03x24 - Here's Martha!/Dog Fight

[bunniefuu]

♪ Martha was an average dog

♪ She went... and... and...
(barking, growls)

♪ When she ate
some alphabet soup ♪

♪ Then what happened
was bizarre... ♪

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain
and now...

♪ She's got a lot to say

♪ Now she speaks...

How now, brown cow?

♪ Martha speaks, yeah,
she speaks and speaks ♪

♪ And speaks and speaks
and speaks... ♪

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♪ Martha speaks...

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♪ She's not always right,
but still that Martha speaks. ♪

Hi, there!

♪ She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ Sometimes wrong
but seldom in doubt ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ That dog's unique...

Testing, one, two!

♪ Hear her speak

♪ Martha speaks and speaks

♪ And speaks and speaks
and... ♪

♪ Communicates, enumerates

♪ Elucidates, exaggerates

♪ Indicates and explicates

♪ Bloviates and overstates
and... ♪

(panting)

♪ ...hyperventilates!

♪ Martha, to reiterate

Martha speaks!
♪ Martha speaks.

(mimics electric guitar)

Welcome to our talk show, where
we interview different guests.

Our first guest today is Martha.

So, Martha, I understand
you have a new show.

I thought I was going
to do the interviewing.

That was not my
understanding at all.

In today's show, you'll hear
all kinds of talking words:

words like "conversation"
and "comprehend,"

"quarrel" and "negotiate."

Ah! Enjoy the show!

(barks)

Daniel, Skits is
doing it again!

Did he start
when you entered the room?

Sí. Why is he doing that?

Itchy back.

Only when we
enter the room?

Showing off his new
worm imitation.

Hi.

(barks)

Helen, can you
interpret this?

Interpret?
You mean you want me to try

to explain what he's doing?

Yes.

I can't tell
what he wants,
but whatever it is,

it's pretty cute
in a Skitsy way.

I'll call the vet.

Maybe she can
understand Skits.

You know,
Martha could just ask him.

Of course!

That's even better,
and it's free.

Martha?
No problem.

Interpreter dog
on the case.

Skits?

The people can't comprehend
why you're doing the,

you know,
the doofy rolling.

(barks)
Comprehend?

Oh, comprehend is when
you understand something.

It makes sense to you.

They don't understand
what you're doing.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I see.
Okay, I understand.

Is it worms?

Do we have
to deworm him? Ay!

No. He says he used to have
a rubber plum

that he played with
upside down.

Oh, yeah, Plummy!

He thought if you
saw him doing this,

you would interpret it
to mean he wants a new one.

You want a new Plummy,
Skits?

(barks "Yes!")

Wow. Once it's translated from
dog language to human language,

it seems so obvious.

(barks)

Want to carry it home, Skits?

(barks excitedly)

You're welcome, Skits.

Helen, your dog's tongue
is all swollen,

and it's squeaking.

That's a rubber plum,
Alice.

Dog toys are weird.

(squawks):
Weird!

Well, I'm here
to buy something non-weird.

Polly wants a seed stick.

Seed stick!

Uh-uh, no, he doesn't.

Allow me to translate from
parrot into English:

(squawking, whistling)

"Me want a mirror."

Eesh. Awful grammar.

ALICE:
He said "seed stick."

He was parroting you,
and then he squawked,

"Me wants a mirror."

You know, Martha can translate
animal talk, Alice.

She told us what Skits wanted,
and look how happy he is.

(barks)

There is such a thing
as too happy.

Uh, young lady

and Talking Dog?

Oh, he probably
means us.

Hello. I'm Laslo Huckey
and this is my dog Slappy.

Is it true
your dog translates
what animals say?

Martha understands
most animals.

Could she tell me
what's bothering Slappy?

She seems even less happy
than usual.

Slappy, let's have
a conversation.

(weary growl)

A conversation is a talk
between you and me.

What's the matter?

(low growl)

Slappy's unhappy
because her ears dip

in the water
when she drinks.

She needs water at tongue level

so she won't have
to hang her head.

(barks)

Ah, I get it!
That makes sense!

I'm a producer
at All Fours TV Network.

You should be on TV
helping people

to understand
their animals better.

TV? Me?

If Martha's interested,

come to this address
with her parents

or legal guardian.

What do you think?

Interested?

People have trouble
understanding animals.

I could really help.

Are you sure this is it?

"Alby's Shoe Repair,
Alden's Barbershop,

All Fours TV Network."

There it is: Suite B- .

So glad you came.

Martha's obviously
a very special dog.

The All Fours Network shows
only animal programs, right?

Down here on All Fours,
we focus on four-legged animals.

Therefore, we enforce
a strict no-monkey policy.

I like it so far.

What's my show?

You chat with people's
problem pets,

then tell people
their pets' thoughts.

I chat with pets, and then
help people understand

what's on their pets' minds.

(barks)

Huh? No, "understand."

If you understand someone,
you know what he or she means.

She thought I was going
to stand on her.

Well, you certainly
helped me understand

Slappy's drinking problem.

I'd like to help people
understand animals' thoughts.

So, does that mean
you'll do it?

You bet.

Good dog!

Having trouble comprehending
your pet?

I'm Martha and I can help.

♪ Conversing with a camel
or comprehending cats ♪

♪ Translating things for turtles
or having chats with rats ♪

♪ Conversation Dog!
Conversation Dog! ♪

♪ Con-ver-sa-tion Dog...!

That's Me!

(barks)

Hmm, here's how I'd translate
Caesar's thoughts:

You snore like a foghorn
factory, and he can't sleep.

(barks)

Let's chat, Cleo.

What's on your mind?

(meows)

Hmm, try to
comprehend this:

Cleo doesn't want
to be an indoor cat.

She'd like
to run free,

get fleas, eat
from trash cans.

Cleo!

Catand trash belong together,
am I right?

(audience laughs)

(whinnies)

Okay, relax.
I'll translate.

Tom, here are
Tony's thoughts:

He doesn't like you
making him work.

He's only two years old.

But everyone races
two-year-old horses.

(chattering)

I'm very sorry.

Four-legged
animals only.

(sighs)

(bleating)

Murray, I don't think

camels are more
popular than llamas.

Do we love llamas,
people?

(cheering)

That's all the time
we have for today.

I'm Martha the Conversation Dog

saying good-bye
and keep wagging your tail!

What did you think, Mom?

I can't say
I've ever seen

a llama interviewed
before.

He had a lot
on his mind.

Can I be on your show?

You don't have a pet.

Can I bring
a parent?

Sorry about that, TD.

Aw, what is the use
of knowing somebody famous

if you don't get
anything out of it?

Truman,
why are you staring?

You know Martha.

But now she's
Famous Martha!

On-TV famous!

Can I have
your "pawtograph,"
Martha TV dog?

Now I know how Santa Claus
at the mall must feel.

Helen, is everything
going to change now?

What do you mean?

I mean, with me
becoming famous

and the rest of you,
you know, not.

I don't know.

People may treat you
differently.

It's hard to know
what people think.

But nothing will change with you
and me, right?

No, Martha.

We'll always be us,
no matter what.

I only want good things
to come out of this.

Good night, Helen.

Good night, Martha.

I'm going to ask Mr. Huckey
if I can bend the rules

and chat with that ostrich.

Hey, where is everybody?

Good morning.

I have news about the
first week's shows.

Mr. Huckey, where are
the cameras, the problem pets,

and that woman who combs me
so well?

I didn't say
I had good news.

I just got our first
week's ratings.

You know what
ratings are?

Isn't that how
they count the number

of people watching
a show?

Yes. Here on All Fours TV,

we even know how
many animals watch,

broken down by
breed and weight.

Wonderful!

So we know exactly how many
animals I'm helping.

Yes, we know
exactly how many.
Overall...

How many collies
watched?

I like collies.

Collies? Uh, zero.

Look, overall...

What about Labs?
They're smart!

You had zero Labs.

You didn't look
at the ratings.

I, uh, don't have to.
According to the ratings,

only you and your friends
watch your show.

Huh?

No animals?

Well, a gerbil in
our control room

would've been
the only animal,

but he turned his
back and ate paper.

So that's it?

It's over?

No!

I have changes here that
will save your show.

We're ready to go!

It's time
for Martha's show.

Change the channel.

HELEN:
This is Martha's show, Mom.

They made some changes.

(rock music playing)

I don't know how to
interpret these clues.

Mind if I chat with the witness?

Ma'am.

Can we have a little chat
about what happened here?

(teeth chattering)

(baaing)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(baaing)

I understand.

She says someone sly
sheared the sleeping sheep.

If we don't catch them,
sheep everywhere will feel...

shear terror.

(Martha howling over TV)

MOM:
Crime Scene Doggie?

¿Qué es esto?

Turn it off.

Someone shy sleared
the sheeping shleepsh.

Hmm. Not
easy to say.

(toy squeaking)

(panting)

(Martha groans)

Why can't I be
happy like that?

He's happy because of you.

That's why you're
doing the show,

so more people
will understand animals.

But now it's just a show
about driving fast,

and they wouldn't even let me
stick my head out the window.

Maybe you should chat
with Mr. Huckey about it.

Hmm.

Tomorrow, I'll tell him
I either interpret

what people's pets are saying,
or I quit!

MARTHA:
We need to talk, Mr. Huckey.

(cell phone ringing)

Oh, just a sec.

The Crime Scene Doggie
ratings are in.

Oh, my.

What are they?

The same: zero.

Research shows people
don't want to watch

any show with
a talking dog.

I find that
impossible to believe.

CSD is canceled.

They canceled my
other shows, too:

CSC, CSO and CSSW.

What are those?

Crime Scene Clam,
Crime Scene Ostrich,

Crime Scene Sperm Whale.

So is my TV career over?

That's how I'd
interpret this.

All right!

Let's go
home, Helen!

(Skits barking)

(toy squeaking)

So Martha's not special anymore?

Nope.

I'm back to being
just your friendly,

neighborhood
talking dog.

Crime Scene Clam?!

Who wouldn't want to see
a clam solve crimes?!

Uh, people who own
televisions, apparently.

If the network got
million e-mails,

they'd bring it back?

I guess they'd have to.

I'll see you two weeks
from Wednesday.

Hey, where are you going?

Home.

I've got million e-mails
to write.

Let's see what show
they put on instead of you.

ANNOUNCER:
And now, three more
hours of Twine Kitten.

(gasps)

Twine Kitten?

Who would watch that?

Let's go out and play catch.

(soft whining)

(kitten meowing on TV)

Ahh...

(purring)

Wow! So this is where

television comes from.

So do you want
to interview me?

Sure. You start.

interview means?
No.

An interview is when one person
asks a lot of questions

and the other person
answers them.

Understand?

Uh-huh.

Like on Martha's
talk show.

Or how I'm asking questions
and you're answering.

Hey, doesn't that make
me TV interviewer guy?

No.

You just answered
another question.

This interview is over!

I'm a good interviewer.

Except who do I interview now?

Me!

Who's more interesting than me?

Good question.

I can't think of anyone.

Can you tell me your thoughts
about how ants communicate?

HELEN & ALICE:
Strawberry shortcake,
huckleberry pie,

How many letters till
your luck runs dry?

A-B-C-D-E...

F-G...
How does she do it?

H-I-J...
What, jump rope so long
without tripping?

K-L-M-N...
No. Jump rope so long
without getting hungry.

O-P...
Shortcake? Pie?

Q-R...
Let's eat!

Whoa!

That was great.
Who wants a snack?

TD:
Hey, guys!

Look what I got
Martha and Skits.

Isn't it cool?

Oh... yeah... cool.

Food?

Trust me. Wait till
you see this in action.

It's a flying squirrel toy.

I got it at the air show.

(sniffing)

I can't stand
squirrels.

You're going to love this one.

Look.

You put your fingers in here,

pull, and...

off he goes!
(chittering)

(gasps)

Holy hot dogs!

Wow!

(excited barking)

I think it's a hit.

(chittering)

(laughing and barking)

Skits, give it!

My turn! My turn!

Helen! Skits is hogging the toy!

(growling)
My turn!

You guys, you have to share.

Hear that?

You're supposed
to share.

(grunting)

Ouch!

TD bought that toy
for both of us, Skits.

When he saw this toy,
do you think he said,

"Ooh, I hope this toy makes
Skits and Martha fight"?

No.

I think, if I may
speak for him,

that he really wanted
us both to have fun.

He wanted us to
share this toy.

Because in the end,
that is much more fun

than being a big, stinky hog,
isn't it, Skits?

(low whining)

Gotcha!

(angry barking)

(barking in distance)

(groans)

I wish they'd call a truce.

It's so hard to concentrate
with all that noise.

So, turn off the TV.

Turn off the TV?

How am I supposed to do
my homework without TV?

(sighs)

It's still my turn.

(barks)
Is, too.

(barks)
Is, too.

(barks)
Is, too!

Helen, tell Skits
it's my turn.

Hey!

Why did you take it away?

We were having so much fun.

Skits wasn't.

That was the fun part.

Martha, I can't believe
you're being so selfish.

The toy is going up here.

(whines)
Till when?

Till you learn to play nice.

What?! That could
take forever!

I'm sorry, but your bickering
is really annoying.

Bickering?
We weren't bickering.

Bickering means you fight
about silly things.

That's what you were doing.

Was not.
Were, too.

Was not.
Were... (sighs)

Now you've got me bickering.

Do not.
Do, too. (groans)

We have homework.

You guys go play outside.

TD's just
watching TV.

Outside.

(barking)

No, it's your fault.
Hey guys, check this out.

(angry barking)

Because you wouldn't share.

(sighs)

Excuse me.

I have to break
up a quarrel.

If you're going
to act like babies,

I'm going to treat
you like babies.

Hi, Truman.
Hello.

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Hey, you guys,
let's call a truce.

You know what a truce
is, don't you?

A truce is when people who are
fighting agree to stop fighting.

Why are we watching
this baby show?

Shh! Watch.

Thank your mom for
letting us watch this DVD.

(music plays)

♪ When there's more than one

♪ Playing's more fun

♪ When you share

♪ When you share.

I'm glad Helen took her
quarreling dogs somewhere else.

Now maybe I can concentrate
on my homework.

It must be hard to be a dog,

especially if the other dog
is selfish

and doesn't take turns.

I know. I can't stand
when someone thinks

they're the boss of you
just 'cause they're bigger.

Yeah.

Wait.

Martha is smaller than Skits.

Exactly.

Skits is probably
three times her size.

Wait.

You think Skits was
the selfish one?

Yeah. Who else?

Well, you guys?
Truce?

(groans)

I won't fight
if he won't fight.

(groans, barks agreeably)

What did he say?

He said, he's...

ALICE:
Skits is a big bully!

Yeah, well, just
because Martha's older

doesn't make her boss.

You're only sticking up
for Skits, 'cause he's a boy.

(gasps)

What's going on?

TD says Martha's the one
who won't share.

You're quarrelling
because of a dog toy?

We're not quarrelling,
we're fighting.

That's what
quarrel means.

It's when you fight.

It's not about a dog toy.

It's a matter of principle.

Oh, yeah?

Well, might does not make right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, age does not make...

Well, I can't think of a word

that rhymes with age,
but you're wrong.

MARTHA:
Stop it! Stop it!

What is it, Martha?

Oh, uh, not you guys.

I'm having a quarrel
with a flea.

And I'm losing.

Who do you think
is right, Helen?

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can't ask her.
Why not?

'Cause she'll take your side.

Why? Because I'm right?

No, because she's short,
like you.

You all stick together.

You guys are being
ridic... short?

Since when am I short?

I'm just saying.

Plus, Martha's a girl.

Of course you're all going
to side with her.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

Helen, what do you think?

♪ When there's more than one,
playing's more fun ♪

♪ When you share
(cooing, giggling)

♪ When you share.

Now, what did you learn?

I learned that girl puppets
are selfish, too.

I learned that boys need someone
to make them take turns.

(Helen sighs)

HELEN:
And now, TD and Alice

won't even speak
to each other.

I can't believe my friends are
quarreling about a dog toy.

That's too bad.

I remember when I was
in fifth grade, I built

this model airplane
with Dave Delashaw.

When it was finished,
we couldn't decide

who got to keep it.

Boy, did we bicker about that.

How'd you make up?

Hmm, we didn't.

Where are
you going?

To call
Dave Delashaw.

He's had that plane
for years.

learned to share.y
(Skits barks)

Back off!

Hey! What happened
to your truce?

It broke.

(whimpering)
Stop breathing on it.

Aw, you're
still doing it.

Helen, Skits is
breathing on the squirrel.

(barking)

Were, too!

You guys, please!

Sorry. We're all ears.

Good. Let's talk turkey.

Turkey?!
I love turkey.

It's an expression.

It means to get down
to business

and talk about
what's really going on.

(groans):
Oh. Okay.

So what's your beef
with this toy?

(groans):
It's an expression.

It means what's your problem.

Sorry. One-track mind.

The problem is, we both want it,
and we don't want to share.

Well, you have
to negotiate something

back to TD. giving this
(barking)

No! Don't!
We'll, we'll negotiate!

I swear, we'll negotiate.

What's negotiate?

"Negotiate" means
you talk about a problem

and agree on what to do.

Okay. We will.
We promise.

(giggling)

Okay, Skits,

I'll trade you my favorite
squeaky baby for that squirrel.

(toy squeaks)

Skits! We can't negotiate
if you leave the room.

Alrighty-roo.

How about

two squeaky babies
(squeaking)

and a rope toy?

Martha, are you
bartering with Skits?

No, I'm not bartering.

I'm trying to trade toys
for the squirrel.

That's what bartering means.

When you barter, you offer
to give someone something

if they'll give you
another thing.

Oh. Well, then yeah,
I'm bartering.

But so far,
Skits doesn't want to trade.

This is my last offer,

and then I'm not going
to barter anymore.

I'll trade you
two squeaky babies,

a rope toy and...

...a rawhide chewy.

(barks "Uh-uh")

(sighs)

Okay. Okay, I get it.

You're not interested.

But how about
if I throw in that!

(Martha laughs, Skits barks)

Hey! Wait! Wait!

(gasps):
Whoa!

Martha!

You guys!

You're supposed to negotiate
a way to share that toy.

We did.

I mean, we have.

How?

By not sharing it.

What? Hey!
(Skits barks)

(Skits barking)

Martha?

(both growling)

(toy chitters)

(TD and Alice gasp)

Did you see that?

I told you he was
a selfish bully.

Skits isn't selfish.

He's just trying
to get his turn.

(both growling)

HELEN:
No, you guys,

they're playing.

At least, I think
they're playing.

(toy chitters)

You are playing, aren't you?

Yeah!

It's a little game
I invented.

I call it
Steal the Squirrel.

But you're tugging.

That's not sharing.
(toy chitters)

We're dogs.

This is about as "sharey"
as we get.

You should try it.

Give it to Alice, Skits.

(barks)

You grab the other end.

Now pull.

And remember,
no biting.

(toy chitters)

Well, don't just
stand there.

Run!

Go get it!

(TD and Alice laughing)

(toy chittering,
Martha giggling)

Fun, isn't it?

(both laughing)

Of course, you shouldn't play
Steal the Squirrel

with a dog you don't know.

They might try
and steal your hand.

I'm glad everyone's
called a truce.

There's just
one problem.

What?

I want to play, too.

(laughter, Skits barks)

(toy chitters)

Can I have a bite?

Nope.
Now, wait.

Don't be hasty.

Let's negotiate.

I'll do whatever
you want. I'll sit.

Please?

(gasps)

I'll lie down.

I'll roll over.

I'll list off all the meats
in reverse alphabetical order.

I'll beg.

(whimpers)

Come on, Helen.
What do you think?

It's not negotiating
if you don't say anything.

(sighs):
Okay.

Here's what I think.

You eat your food,
and I'll eat mine.

Mmm.

(Martha whimpers)

Here you go.

I'd have eaten it all myself,

but you're a very good
negotiator.

(Truman and TD chattering)

Oh, hi.

I brought some clips
from my show.

Oh, well, roll 'em.

Comprehend?
Oh, "comprehend" is

when you understand
something.

It makes sense to you.

"Interpret"?
You mean you want me

to try to explain
what he's doing?

"Negotiate" means
you talk about a problem

and agree on what to do.

"Bickering" means you fight
about silly things.

Sorry.
Big negotiation.

We decided I get
to ask the questions,

and he gets
to say good-bye.

Too late, the show's over.

Oh. Good-b...