05x19 - Much Ado About Noshing/Broadcast Blues

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x19 - Much Ado About Noshing/Broadcast Blues

Post by bunniefuu »

This program is rated G

♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do
what he can to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ Duck, dodge,
push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ One boy, girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

♪ Loud House ♪

♪ Loud, Loud House ♪

Poo-poo!





[Leni] We should totes go
to the mall together tomorrow.

I saw these shoes
that are incredible.

-[Leni] They are totes amazing.
-[cellphone rings]

Hello?

[man sobbing]

That alpaca sounds
like he's hurt.

Where are you, boy?
I'm on my way!

Uh, that's not an alpaca.
It's Dad.

He must have accidentally
butt dialled again.

Can you hear me?

[sobbing continues]

Dad, we talked about this.

You can't always
win video solitaire.

This is so much worse!

"Nosh." What's Nosh?

Nosh is a review site
[sniffles]

where people rate
their restaurant experiences

with a thumbs up
or a thumbs down.

What do you have
to worry about, Dad?

Your restaurant is amazing,
and everyone loves it.

Apparently, not everyone.

Check out this clown
named New Nosher .

Whoa! thumbs down?

I heard thumbs down

was enough to sink
Unsinkable Sub Sandwich Shop.

[gasps, sobs]
What am I gonna do?!

Don't worry, Dad.
I have an idea.

We'll find this Nosher
and get him to come back

to the restaurant
so you can dazzle him.

And then the thumbs down
will stop forever.

-[Lynn] We'll help.
-[Luan] You bet.

Thanks, kiddos.

Step one -- discover
the identity of New Nosher .

Aaaah! Yes.

Do come in.
There's plenty of room.

Apologies for my tardiness.

I'm joining you remotely

because I'm working with
a volatile batch of isotopes.

Based on thumbs-down reviews
of Jean Juan's,

Burpin' Burger,
and Aloha Comrade,

it's highly likely
that the reviewer

lives in Royal Woods.

Want me to start
pulling samples

from my Royal Woods
faecal census?

Uh, that won't be necessary.

I know how we can track down
the unhappy Nosher,

but we'll need to split up
to cover more ground.

Lola and Lana, you follow
Grant as he makes deliveries

and see if he has any
unhappy customers.

-[rumbling]
-[Huggins] Aaaah!

I told them they needed to get
bigger takeout containers!

[together] We found our Nosher!

[Lincoln]
Lynn and Lucy, you visit

the other restaurants
that got bad reviews.

See if you can get any intel.

-[ding, ding]
-[waitress] Aaaah!

You scared me half to death.

I can help with the other half.

-[waitress] Aaaah! Ugh.
-[Lynn] We need your help.

Do you remember any
difficult customers recently?

Other than you two?

It's always too cold in here!

Has the menu gotten longer?

Why haven't I gotten water?

I don't know why I keep
coming to this place.

This service is
double thumbs down!

Pbhtttt!

Ding, ding.

We found our Nosher.

-[Lynn chuckles]
-[thud]

[Lincoln] Lisa and Lily,
do a technical deep dove

and see what you can find.

I've entered the coordinates

of all the restaurants
on our Nosher's warpath,

and then cross-referenced those
with transportation routes.

[computer chimes, whirring]

Hmm, fascinating.

The Gigglin' Geezer
is the only bus

that stops at all
of those locations.

[gasps] Our culprit
must have been on it.

The logical thing to do is hack

into the Geezer's
camera footage

and scan
for an unhappy customer.

[computer beeps]

Hmm, they forgot to add cheese!

Ugh!

We have found our Nosher.

[Lincoln] Our Nosher could
be a rejected job applicant.

So Leni and I will look through
the file of old resumes.

[gasps] Mrs. Bernardo!

She applied
for a waitressing job,

but Dad hired Grant instead.

[gasps] That's right!

And then later,
she did that one-woman show

called "Table for None."

May I take your order?

Our special tonight
is baked salmon

with a side of revenge!

And scene!

Mrs. Bernardo must have
given the bad reviews

to get back at Dad.

[Lincoln] Luna and Luan,
you talk to Kotaro

about any run-ins
with customers.

It's okay, Kotaro.

Just tell us what you remember
about the incident.

The day started out
like any other.

Flip was enjoying
his usual corned beef hash.

And then...

Can I get you a free refill?

[gulp]
Did you say free?

[gasps]

Aaaah!

[laughs]

We made him pay back
every drop.

Never seen a man so angry.

Even his moustache turned red!

[all shouting]

Santa Claus!

We were just saying names,
right?

Ahh, guys, it's okay.

We're positive it's one
of these five people, right?

So, we just bring them
all to Lynn's Table.

That way we're sure
to dazzle New Nosher ,

and he or she will stop
giving bad reviews.

[all agreeing]

-[cellphone rings]
-[Lola] It's Dad.

-[Lola] You have Lola!
-[Lynn Sr. sobbing]

[scoffs]
Another butt dial.

Stop looking at reviews, Daddy!

-[Lola] Fix that butt of yours!
-[cellphone beeps]

Huh?

[ding!]

Aaaah!

[grunting]

Huh?



"In appreciation
for your patronage..."

-"...at Lynn's Table..."
-"...please enjoy

-a dining experience..."
-"...you'll never forget."

"Completely free of charge."

Okay. Is everyone sweaty?

-[Lynn Sr.] I mean, ready?
-[Lincoln] Yep!

You take care of the cooking.
We'll take care of the rest.

Lisa, status report.

All systems go.

Todd has a visual of the table

where our guests
will be sitting.

[Todd] If anybody goes on Nosh,
I will destroy them.

No, Todd.

You will report them to me.

[Todd] Dang it. Fine.

Good luck, everybody.
I'm going audio only.

Guys, remember,
we're dealing

with Royal Woods' five
most particular customers.

No matter what happens tonight,

we have to exercise
extreme patience.

Uh, I can feel you all
looking at me,

and it feels very judgy.

[car doors close]
[all gasp]

[Todd] Good evening,
suspect number five.

I mean, Principal Huggins.
May I take your jacket?

Why, thank you.

You clean up well, Muddy Loud.
Hey, listen.

I parked down the street.

Meter needs a quarter
every minutes.

You should probably get going.

And don't forget
to bring quarters.

Hey, Mr. Grouse.

Better make this snappy!

I had to move around

a post-game-show nap
for this one.

Luan,
thank goodness you're here.

Someone has to stay
with Mommy's little Hamlet.

He cannot be left alone!

He'll die...of boredom.

Also, he hasn't made
number two today.

Say, why the long face?

[neighs]

I guess you heard
that one before, huh?

Tyler, do you have
my heartburn medicine ready?

Your girl's gonna do
some damage tonight.

Waiter, don't just stand there!

Bring over a chair from my boo.

Ow! Right away, ma'am.

[indistinct conversations]

What can I get you, G-man?

Well, you can start
with some light.

Can't even read the dang menu,
it's so dark in here.

I'll have --
Just a, um,...

Use your big boy voice, Tyler.

Tell Spooky you want
chicken nuggets.

Chicken nuggets, please!

And I'll have a burger.
And don't skimp on the cheese!

Huh?!

[grumbles]

Waiter!
Waiter, my seat has a wobble.

I cannot stand
being off balance.

Ugh!

[indistinct shouting]

[bell dings]

[all panting]

-[Luan grunts]
-[Lynn Sr.] Phew!

Well, utensils would be nice!

-[Lana] Coming right up!
-[watch beeps]

Oop, be right back.
Gotta feed the meter.

Waiter, it's still off balance!

[sighs]

-[Luna groans]
-[Huggins] Much better.



Huh? I just had that fork.

I'm not hungry yet!
Take it back!

Alright. I'm hungry now!

Oh, you there, stagehand!

Again, it's Lola.

Look at this drab presentation.

It needs to be bigger.
It needs to be bolder.

It needs to make a statement.

This just says
noodles and butter.

But it needs to say
♪ noodles and butter ♪

[groans]

Louds, where do you keep
moving my dang spoon?!

[bell dings]

The lettuce in Mr. Grouse's

Caesar salad is "too spicy."

Principal Huggins'
tomato juice is flat.

Scoots says
her cheeseburger's too cheesy.

Mrs. Bernardo asked
for the star of the show,

not the understudy.

Flip said there's too much Lynn

and not enough 'sagna.

What does that even mean?!

-[Lynn Sr.] This is a disaster!
-[Lincoln] No, it's not.

We're doing great.
Stay focused, everyone.

-[all munching]
-[Scoots] Delicious.

-[all sigh]
-[Lincoln] We did it, guys.

It was rough,
but tonight was a success.

There's no way that hater

will give any more thumbs down
after tonight.

[cellphones chime]

Another thumbs down
from New Nosher !

What?!
How is that even possible?!

Lisa, did you see anything?

[Lisa] Mm, I lost visual

after Grouse's New Eng-Lynn
clam chowder fiasco.

[Todd] Bathrooms
are down the hall.

Bathrooms are down the hall.

I'm sorry, Dad.
We let you down.

No, it wasn't you guys.

You monsters!

How could you give us
another thumbs down on Nosh

after what my kids
just did for you?!

You think your easy guests,

with your nit-picking orders
and over-the-top demands?!

You know what I say?
Thumbs down on all of you!

Pbhhht!

Oh, what are you
popping off about?

[Grouse] What the heck is Nosh?

-[all clamouring]
-[Lynn Sr.] Wait, what?

So, you have no idea
what I'm talking about?

Uh-ha. Excuse me one moment.

If it's not them,
then who is it?

[cellphones chime]

Come on!

Now they're just
rubbing it in.

[cellphones chime]

Wait a minute!
Dad, let me see your phone.

[gasps] You're New Nosher !

Well, your phone is

when it's not busy
butt dialling us.

It must have accidentally
created an account

and started hitting
thumbs down.

-[all gasp]
-[Lynn Sr.] O-M-Nosh!

[chuckles nervously]
It's a...funny story.

And you are going
to love this.

[chuckles nervously]



Thanks for doing this again,
kiddos.

You're really helping me
win back the guests I insulted.

[Grouse] Loud,
less chit-chat, more chowder.

-[Huggins] My ice is cold!
-[indistinct shouting]

Don't worry, kids.

It's only once a week
for the next year.

[chuckles] We can do this!

[Todd] Speak for yourself.

Todd out!



Thank...for...that report...

and, uh...look to the
knitting team at, uh...

Come on! Be nice to me
while I'm live on the air.

Oh, sure it picked up all that.

And now here's reporter
Stella Zhau

with a new segment called
"What's in Your Locker?"

Hey, Amelia.

Our Action News viewers
want to know,

what's in your locker?

I've got a basketball hoop.

-[Amelia] A disco ball.
-[Stella gasps]

And...a snow cone machine!

[chuckles]



Man, my locker feels so basic.

I didn't think
anything could top

what's in Bolhofner's
briefcase.

Hey, guys, check this out.
Hugh!

Chandler, we're trying to
watch the Action News Team.

"The Action News Team.
I'm Lincoln Lame.

Everyone pay attention to me
while I read the dumb news."

Aaah!

[together] Shh!

And I saved the best for last.

[static]

[Zach] You guys are live!

Sorry, viewers.
It looks like we lost Stella.

Well, Kangaroos, this is
Clincoln McCloud, signing off.

Have a hoppy day!

Oh! My neck.

[sighs] Those cameras
are a real problem.

I don't know how much more
of this my neck can take.

Hey, guys, it's your lucky day.

I'm joining your news team.

[laughter]

Oh, you're serious.
Sorry, but the team's full.

Plus, homeroom is more than
enough time with you in a day.

We gotta figure out what we're
gonna do about that equipment.

Hmm.

-[ding!]
-[Chandler laughs]

[bell rings]

Hey, guys, even though
you snubbed me before,

I got a little
somethin'-somethin'

for your show.

What can I say?
The Chand-man is a giver.

[sniffs]

Uh [sniffs]

Uh, yep. All clear.

Ain't full of poop
this time.

-[all gasp]
-[Lincoln] Wow!

These cameras are high tech.

Our show would look so good
if we used these.

Yeah, and so would I!

This mug was made for HD.

How did you afford these?

Don't worry about it.
Anyway, they're all yours...

if you let me join
your news team.

Uh, Chandler,
can you excuse us?

Guys, what are we gonna do?

Those video cameras are neater
than a self-driving tractor

during a corn harvest.

But is letting Chandler join us
worth some new equipment?



[all scream]

Welcome to the news team,
Chandler.

Whoo-hoo! Yes.

You guys made a smart choice.
Check you later.

[Stella] Oh, wow, nice!

Now to get rid of you
once and for all.



Good riddance!

Thanks for never
making me look good.

Aaaaaah! Ugh.





[Lincoln] This is
your Action News Team

with today's school news.

Good morning, Kangaroos!

This is Lincoln Loud
reporting for Action News.

Don't adjust your screens.

We're coming to you
in glorious high definition,

thanks to our new cameras.

Up first,
we have a new reporter,

Chandler McCann.

What's on the menu, Chandler?

Today's lunch is
my personal favourite.

Chicken In Your Face.

Ooh, sounds fancy!

Uh, what's
Chicken In Your Face?

It's chicken in yo face!

[laughs]

He was bad.

-[Zach] Oh, that was awful.
-[Liam] Yeah.

What'd that chicken
ever do to him?

Guys, we have to fire him.

[Chandler] Hey, there,
Action News Team.

Now, that was some solid
reporting, am I right?

Hey, Chandler,
we were all just talking,

and we don't think this is --

Whatever you got to say,

say it
into these new microphones.

[all exclaiming]

Eh, not so fast.

I want a bigger role
on the show.

Something with more air time.

[gasps] How about
I do the weather?

Uh, can you give us a minute?

Sure.

Guys, look, we all know
that Chandler's the worst,

but those mics will
make us sound great.

Yeah, no more sound glitches
during our snappy banter.

Besides, there's no way
he can mess up the weather.

Okay, Chandler.
You got it.

[laughs] Yes!

[Chandler] And now
Chandler with the weather.

Yo, chumps!
Chand-man here.

Get your galoshes ready,

'cause there's
a huge storm coming

and you're gonna get drenched!

[both scream]

Laters! [laughs]

Yeah, I was wrong.
He messed up the weather.

The Chand-man has to go!

-[door opens]
-[Chandler] Hey, there, guys.

Hey, Chandler.
We were all just talking and --

Look what I got for
my favourite news team.



Satellite dish?
Wait a goat-milkin' minute.

What's the catch?

Simple, I give you the dish,

and I get my own segment.

With that satellite,
we can broadcast all over town.

The whole henhouse
loves local news.

[gasps] My grandma will see me.

Everyone will see me!

Lincoln, we'll be famous!

Aliens could pick up
the signal.

Well, Chandler, we decided...

[together]
You got your segment.

Yes!
I am so going to nail it.

[cellphone rings]

Ooh, I gotta take this.

Chand-man out.

I'll get this bad boy
up to the roof.

[groans]



[Lincoln] And now,
via satellite,

your Action News Team,

what today's
middle school news.

Good morning, Kangaroos.

To start things off today,

we have a new segment
from Chandler called...

"Bro in the Know."

Hey, guys. Chandler McCann here
from "Bro in the Know."

Did you know that

I'm the Royal Woods'
Book Slam champ.

-[Chandler] Check it out.
-[girl] Aaah!

-[boy] Hey!
-[girl # ] Gah!

-[boy # ] Aww!
-[girl # ] Watch it!

-[student] Whaa!
-[student # ] Aaah!

-[student # ] Hey!

, !

Ooh! A new record.

And this is your boy Chandler
signing off

for "Bro in the Know."

This is not good.

[bell rings]

[Stella] And temperature wise,

we should stay
within the mid ' s.

And down south,
it's gonna be hot, hot, hot.

I sure hope Chandler
doesn't do anything

too Chandler-y today.

[Stella] Now over to you,
Lincoln and Clyde.

Thanks, Stella.

Now, uh [sighs]

let's see what our
Bro in the Know is up to.

Yo, it's your Bro in the Know.

And here's something
you may not know.

Dirk just got dumped.

Come on.
Let's go get the deets.

[groans]

Hey, Dirk.
Why'd you get dumped?

-Uh, um, what?
-Was it 'cause you walk

like a penguin
in those skinny jeans?

[groans]

[jeans squeak]

Yeah, like that.
[laughs]

This is your Bro in the Know,
signing off.

Okay.
That's too far.

[whistling]

Nailed it again!

That was terrible.

In fact, all of your reports
have been terrible

since you joined the team.

But that's going to end now,
Chandler,

because you're fired!

Me? Fired? Oh, no.
I'm crushed.

Psych!

[laughs] Nice try.

But I'm not going anywhere.
I'm having way too much fun.

And by the way,
guess what's in your lockers.

Spoiler alert -- it's skunks.

-[cellphone rings]
-[Chandler] Oh, one minute.

Gotta take this.
Go for Chand-man.

This is our fault.

We ruined our show just
for a bunch of cool stuff.

[Chandler] Oh, yeah. What kinda
jewellery are you looking for?

Is that Chandler?

I think he accidentally
left his mic on.

I just found some cufflinks
at my dad's sewage plant.

They'd be perfect
for your grandpa.

-[all gasp]
-[Chandler] Oh, and remember,

my dad can never find out
that you bought these from me.

If he does, you're toast.

You guys,
that must be how Chandler

got the money
for all our equipment --

by selling stuff
from his dad's sewage plant.

I know how we can get Chandler
out of the news club for good.

It's time
for an Action News Team

sting operation.



[imitates expl*si*n]

[cellphone rings]

Talk to the Chand-man.

Yes, my girlfriend and I
are looking for a necklace,

and I heard that
you're the guy.

Yeah.
I've got tons of necklaces.

Meet me in the alley
by the sewage plant in an hour.

I'll bring what I got.

Okay. Well, that
sounds just great.

We'll see you in the --
Oh, he hung up.



[Rusty groans]

Will you stand still?

I can't clip this
to your dress.

It's a pantsuit.

Guys, focus!

So, explain to me again

why I'm not playing
the girlfriend.

Sorry, but Rusty really
nailed the audition.

Oh, Rusty, Zach,
here comes Chandler.



Hey, I brought the stuff.

Nice pantsuit, by the way.

Thanks for noticing.

[sniffs] Ew!

This will get rid
of the sewer smell.

You're busted, Chandler!

We've recorded
your secret necklace sale!

And we are gonna tell your dad
all about your shady business.

Unless you quit the news club.

You can't tell my dad!
I'll be grounded for months!

And I have so many
awesome parties coming up

that you guys
aren't invited to.

Gah! Fine, I'll quit.

But I'm taking
my equipment with me.

If I'm not part
of the news team,

then neither is my equipment.

Great. Now we definitely
can't do the news.

Yeah, we trashed all
our old equipment.

Liam, you can stop recording.

You don't need
to document our misery.

Guys, I know how we can
still do our show.



Thanks for that sunny
weather report, Stella.

I told my dad
I didn't need this poncho.

Thanks, Clyde.
It'll be so nice to have all

-that sun this week.
-[Liam] Aaah!

And it'll be
great for Mrs. Salter's

beach field trip next Tuesday.

Phew!



I'm here with team
captain Lynn Loud who --

[Zach panting]

Zachary, there's alien
activity at the bowling alley,

and your father
bowled a turkey.

Get down here!

Whoa.
I really love this new format.

"Whoa. I really love
this new format."

Hey, Chandler.
What's in your locker?

-[fart!]
-[Chandler] Aaaaaah!

Not cool, man.

[laughs]

Stop looking at me, skunk.

[skunk chitters]

♪ Cramped inside this space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

♪ Loud House ♪

♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

♪ Loud House ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee
Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪
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