05x22 - Fright Bite

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like ping pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach
the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge,
push and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show
our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ One boy, ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud,
Loud House ♪

- Poo-poo.

♪ ♪

- Fangs,
pass the blood sausage.

Thank you, Fangs.

all: Shh!

- Our breed is dying, Tristan.

We must continue
to transform mortals

or face our greatest fear.

- Fewer dungeon parties?

- No, dense nephew...
extinction!

- That was deeply,
deeply disturbing.

I give it two
severed thumbs up.

- Sigh. Now we must wait eons

for the next season.

- Oh, such agony.

Which normally I love,
but not right now.

- Look, a light's on
in our favorite creepy house.

[spooky music]

- Hm, looks like
someone moved in.

- They never stay long.

The last renters ran screaming
after five minutes.

Probably because of the--
- Demon infestation.

- Property taxes.

- Clearly, they didn't
appreciate its charm.

- [chuckles]

Let's go examine
the fresh meat.

I'm a bat.

Ah!

[coughing]

- You'll get there
someday, Boris.

Look, over there.

[all gasp]

- Oh, my, he must hate mirrors.

- Or he doesn't conform to
societal standards of beauty.

[truck beeping]
all: Huh?

[tires squeal]

- [gasps] Whoa.

That's a lot
of extra bloody steaks.

- Look, empty bottles
of coffin polish.

[sniffs]
And this is the good stuff.

- "For that eternal shine."

You guys, he's moving at night,
he threw out his mirrors,

he ordered bloody steaks,
he has coffin polish.

This guy is a vampire.

All: Gasp.
[eerie organ music]

Do you know what this means?

He could turn us
into the undead.

all: Gasp!
- Our lifelong dream!

- Just think, one bite from him

and we'll never have to wait
for another season

of "Vampires of Melancholia,"
'cause we'll be living it.

We can be
just like Edwin forever.

[thunder crashes]

- Some for you, and for you,
a lot for you,

and some fresh O-neg
for Count Lucilla.

- Garlic bread, Lucy?
- Hisss.

- Oh, yeah,
forgot the no garlic thing.

- Family picture time.

Oops, forgot.
Lucy doesn't show up.

[all laugh]

- Let's do this.

Boris wants eternal life
and unbridled power.

- Me too, Boris.

But we can't just go up
and ask him.

- Lucy's right.
That never works

on "Vampires of Melancholia."

It's way too desperate.

- We just have to play it cool
and get him to notice us.

Let's come back tomorrow.

That'll give him time
to settle in.

- And that'll give us time to
come up with our vampire names.

I'm gonna be Count Vein-Sucker.

- Ugh, not cool, Dante.

You know I called dibs
on that in second grade.

- No signs of life.

- Can we go over
the plan again?

Boris is a big bundle
of nerves.

- We're just going to
"casually run into him"

and once he sees us
in full goth mode,

I'm sure he'll give us
eternal life in no time.

- 'Twill be sinfully glorious.

- [screeches]

- Where's he going?

It's not night yet.
He'll burn in the sunlight.

- He must be a Daywalker.
So rare.

- Come on, let's follow him.

- Ha!
- [screeches]

- He's headed inside the mall.

There he is.
Time to get his attention.

- Huh?
- Oh, dear.

My neck is so sore, and this
vein is really throbbing.

- Uh-huh.

- Why is he talking to her?

- And what did she just sign?

She didn't even
sign it in blood.

- Speaking of blood, maybe this
will get his attention.

- Ah!

You got ketchup
under my contact lens.

It's burning my ocular nerve.

- Do you want
eternal life or not?

- That's cool.

I always thought
I'd make a great vampire.

- Gasp. Did you guys hear that?

He's signing those people up
to become vampires.

- [grunting]

- Look, he's going
into the arcade.

At least, I think so.
My eye is still on fire.

- Perfect. I have an idea

that'll definitely get us
on his clipboard.

- [grunting]

Wow, Boris's veins
can barely contain

all this pumping blood.

- Those polo-wearing
pizza munchers?

Why, they're
positively preppy.

- Yeah, I don't get it.

Their blood wasn't pumping
and they're total normies.

- He signed up half the mall
to be vampires

but gave us the cold shoulder?

[alarm beeping]
[all gasp]

- Huh?

Ah, Curfew for Boris.

If I miss it, Mother will
never let me become a vampire.

- Let's meet at
the house tomorrow

and try to get
his attention again.

- What's with all the cars?

Whoa!

- We were right.

They were all turned
into vampires last night.

Gasp, Mrs. Bernardo?

Mrs. Bernardo,

you've been gifted eternal life
and power, haven't you?

- [hisses]

[tires squeal]

- One thing's for sure,
he has terrible taste.

He's building an army
of the really basic undead.

- Wait. Morpheus, that's it.

This guy must think
we're already vamps,

'cause we're so goth.

I know what we need to do.

We need to go normie.

[eerie organ music]

[all gasp and grumble]

Okay, everyone.

It's time to walk the normie
walk and talk the normie talk.

- Lemonade.

Get your lemonade.
- Huh?

- Ah, just two children
full of blood

selling lemonade
for a marginal profit.

- [groans]

- Ah! My other eye.

- Drat, he didn't go for it.

- Here, friends, enjoy
this carnivore's delight.

- [groans]

- I also have potato salad

and coleslaw.

- Mm, Boris loves
a good BBQ, y'all.

- [groans]

- Let's crank this up a notch.

Here he comes.
Water vessel fight!

Water selfie.
- Whee.

- Laugh, laugh.

Us normal kids love
water-based frolicking.

- [groans]

- Oh, come on.
We pulled out all the stops.

I even drank a pumpkin spice
flavored beverage

and he still doesn't want us.

What in the underworld
can we do to become vampires?

- Maybe we should just give up.

- Our dream is dead.
- No.

If anyone deserves
to be vampires, it's us.

I know they don't do this on
"Vampires of Melancholia,"

but I say we just
make him turn us.

- So wait, we can ditch these
absurd breathable garments?

Oh, thank goth.

- Listen to all those people.

He must be inside
turning more vampires.

- Well, we're next.

Future vampires, descend.

- There he is.
[grunting]

- Bite us!
Turn us into vampires!

- We beg thee.
- Cut!

Can you get off
my casting director, please?

- But he's a vampire.

- Ugh, okay, I know I'm pale

and I work for
"Vampires of Melancholia"

but can you spare me
the wisecracks?

- Wait a minute.
You guys are filming

"Vampires of Melancholia"?

- Yes, and you kids
are ruining my big break.

Confused Vampire Number Seven
is the role of a lifetime.

- Mrs. Bernardo?

Why didn't you just tell us
what you were doing yesterday?

- A good actor never
breaks character.

Uh, I mean...[hisses]

- Okay, that's enough.

It's time for you
meddling brats to go.

You're in the sh*t--
- Sigh.

- Wait.
- Huh?

- These kids are
the gloomiest, creepiest,

weirdest creatures
I've ever seen.

- Thank you.
- So kind.

- Even their grandpa is creepy.
- [chuckles]

Boris is only nine,
but still very flattered.

- They'd be great
for the season premiere.

They're obviously real goths

and not just a bunch
of randos from the mall.

- Wow, could this
possibly get any better?

- This black cherry juice
is simply smashing.

Top-notch.

all: Edwin?

- Oh, cheerio, spooky children.

- He called us spooky.

- Watch the shoes, please.

all: [nervous chuckle]

- Scene , take .

- Rescued from
your mortal state,

my creatures of the night,

rise and embrace
your newfound vampire power.

[all grunt]

- Oh, huh? Hiss!

- My minions, have you shed
your earthly attachments?

all: Our human life is no more.

- Yo, and you dudes
are gonna love

the no bedtime thing.
- [groans]

- Thanks for helping us,
like, not go extinct.

- It was our displeasure.

[all hiss]
- [screeches]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome back to our
"Dream Boat Reunion Show:

When the dream
becomes a nightmare."

- Siblings, I have
colossal news.

I may have unearthed a dinosaur
bone in our front yard.

- Next, we'll reveal
which Colton

was accidentally
kidnapped by pirates.

all: Ooh.

- Yeah, I love
mind-numbing reality TV

just as much as the next
cranially endowed first grader.

But this is a dinosaur bone

in our yard.

[sighs]
- [barking]

- Gosh! Charles, no!
Get back here.

Todd, initiate
cleaning protocol.

[water gushing]

Not me, the bone.

- In my defense,
you could have been more clear.

- Anyway, there's only
one way to find out

how old this bone is.

And that is to
radiometrically date it.

- What, huh?

[blows]

[zapping]

Todd, not only is this
a real prehistoric bone,

it's from an unknown species.

Could I, Lisa Loud,
PHD, MD, DDS, CPA, Esquire,

have discovered
a new type of dinosaur?

My siblings may not appreciate
this discovery,

but the subscribers
of my monthly newsletter

certainly will.

"Yo, fellow brainiacs.

"Just found this new bone.

You jelly?" And send.

Hm? Oh, wow.

Now, this is the appreciation
I've been looking for.

Todd, initiate
celebration protocol.

Whoa! [coughs]

[snoring]

[gasps]

- [growling]

- Ah! Charles.

Todd, wake up.

- [barking]
- [shouting]

Ah! [crashing]

- What in Darwin's beard?

Dinosaur bones don't
just cr*ck like that.

A turkey bone, a goose bone,
and a chicken bone?

These aren't
from the Mesozoic era.

They're from Dad's
Thanksgiving tur-goose-en.

Charles must have buried them
in the yard

and they fused together.

Uh-oh, that would mean
my dating machine was wrong.

What could've caused that?

- Hey there, Lisa, btdubs,

I may have used
your machine yesterday to test

some old cream puffs I found
near the basement heater.

They were years old.
And delicious.

[stomach rumbling]

Sorry about the crumbs.
Gotta go!

- [gasps] My machine!

Huh? Whoa!

Todd, I need to
dictate an email

for immediate release.

[clears throat]
Dear fellow scientists,

due to an unfortunate
cream puff incident,

I regret to inform you
that my latest discovery--

- Lis, look out your window!

Something's going on outside.

- [gasps] Great raptor!

They must be here
about the dinosaur bone.

- [gasps] What?

When did you find
a dinosaur bone?

- I'm Katherine Mulligan,
here with Lisa Loud,

the pint-sized genius who
discovered

a dinosaur bone
in her front yard.

Tell us, Lisa, what are your
thoughts on this new species

that I've already dubbed
Loudasaurus?

- The thing is, is, uh...

- Dr. Loud doesn't have any
further comment at this time.

- Thanks for the assist there--
- Dr. Alvarez.

- As in, the paleontologist
from the Royal Woods Museum?

I loved your paper
on dinosaur dung,

"Fun with Fecal Fossils."

- [chuckles] You're too kind.

You know, Lisa,

the museum also operates

its own television network.

How would you like
to have your very own show?

- [gasps] My own show?

- Your story
is very compelling.

A five-year-old who found
a dinosaur bone in her yard?

Exciting stuff.

- Okay, um, I should
clear something up--

- The show would be broadcast
everywhere.

- Yeah, I understand,
but I really must--

- You'd have the opportunity
to get children

from all over the world
interested in science.

- Interested in science,
you say?

Uh, could you give me a moment
to consult with my associate?

Todd, it seems
my erroneous discovery

has led to some
unforeseen benefits.

- But are you okay with being

a liar, liar,
pants are on fire?

- Look, I see the irony
of lying about science

to get other kids into science.

But in this case,
the ends justify the means.

- [clears throat] Dr. Loud,
have you made a decision?

- Let's do this, Doc.

[hip hop music]

♪ ♪

both: Oh, cool.

- [giggles]

[zapping]

- Whoa!

- Science!

- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

- Dr. Loud, I used to think
science was for nerds

before I found your show.

Now, it's my favorite thing
on earth--

which I know is round
'cause of you.

- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
- Lisa, over here.

- Oof!

- Hello, Lisa.
Sorry to drop by unannounced.

Your sister let me in and has
been staring at me ever since.

- [growling]
- At ease, Lynn.

She's a friend.
- Uh-huh.

- [chuckles nervously]
Uh, Lisa.

I wanted to run an idea by you.

What if we did a paleontology
themed episode

of your show live
from the Royal Woods Museum?

- Like it. Love it.

Want to study it
under a microscope.

Have your peeps call my peeps
and we'll do it tomorrow.

- Great.

I was thinking
we could show kids

how radiometric dating works

by testing your dinosaur bone.

- That sounds--

say what now?

Uh, actually, Doc,

I'm not so sure
that's the best idea.

- Oh, don't be nervous.

Just think of the museum as
your bedroom

but with a gift shop.
You'll be fine.

- My only hope is to find
an actual dinosaur bone

by tomorrow. But where?

- According to my search,

there are dinosaur bones
at the Royal Woods Museum.

- Of course!

Todd, you beautiful
mass of metal.

Muah!

Hm, should be
around here somewhere.

- It was fortuitous that
the back door was unlocked.

- There.
The Coelurosaurian theropod.

Street name, T-Rex.

How's the glue job look?

I used Father's failed attempt
at béchamel sauce

as an adhesive.

This T-Rex has over bones.

No one will notice if I replace
one of them with my fake bone.

Now, beam me up, Toddy.

- [faint whistling]

- Abort, abort!

[shouts]

- [whistling]

- Uh...[winces]

[sighs] Phew.

Ah, dang it.
This will have to do.

- Going live in
three, two, one.

- Welcome to "Facts Matter,"

with your science hostess
with the mostest, Lisa Loud.

Today we are at
the Royal Woods Museum

and our special guest
is Dr. Alvarez.

- Thanks for stopping by, Lisa.

I believe you have something
special to show our audience?

- Indeed I do.

This is the dinosaur bone
I discovered in my backyard.

And today, we are going to use

the museum's
carbon dating machine

to determine
what era it's from.

- Texture looks good.

Shape looks good.

Oh, color looks good.

Lisa, this bone
is museum quality.

Go ahead and use my machine.

[zapping]

Ah! And it's %
from the Mesozoic era.

[faint cracking]

- Ah!
[cracking]

We should wrap this up.

Todd, play the wrap-up music!

- What's the rush, Dr. Loud?

We still have minutes
left in the episode.

[cracking]

- Dr. Alvarez, look out!

Dr. Alvarez? Dr. Alvarez?

Todd, initiate search protocol.

- On it.

- Oh, what have I done, Todd?

Dr. Alvarez got crushed

by two tons of osseous matter
because of my lies.

- Lies?
- [gasps]

Dr. Alvarez, you're alive!

- Lisa, what lies?

- [sighs]
Well, the dinosaur bone

I found wasn't real.

It was an amalgam
of loose bird bones

bound together
with a low-grade cheese sauce.

So I swapped it with one
of the bones from the T-Rex.

That's why it collapsed.

- [gasps]
Lisa, how could you?

- I justified it
by telling myself

that kids around the world

were getting into science
because of me.

But science is honest
and I certainly haven't been.

I'm so sorry.

- Lisa, wait.

It would be a shame to let
all your knowledge go to waste.

You're clearly good
at inspiring kids

and getting them
interested in science.

- You mean,
I can have my show back?

- [laughs] Absolutely not.

You have to earn
my trust back first.

- Hm.

- How would you like to start

by giving tours in the museum?

- Really? I'd be honored.

- This thing is gonna take
forever to put back together.

- Actually, I may be able
to help with that.

Todd,
initiate cleaning protocol.

[water gushing]

[crashing]
Todd!

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

- ♪ Loud House ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way
we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

- ♪ Loud House ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪