11x02 - The Life Aquatic with Steve Smith

[bunniefuu]

[ Sighs ]

I love springtime, when the bulky sweatshirts come off, and you can see which guys were in the gym all winter.

What's that, snot? Why am I so distracted today? 'Cause I'm craving something, something I've never had.

Potato boobs! [ Chomping ]

You can have the starchy simulacra.

I need to -- nay, I will touch the real thing.

_ Exactly! What kind of guys get boob at this school? I could be Tanya Johnson's baby.

[ Speaks inaudibly ]

[ Coos ]

But he's doing that.

Or [ Indistinct conversations ]

Hello.

Varsity athletes touch boob! 'Cause they got those cool letter jackets! [ Scoffs ]

And how are you gonna become a varsity athlete? _ Hardly anyone's going out for water polo.

I-it's like they're giving letter jackets away! Or you could buy a foreign knockoff jacket and say you transferred in.

I really think people don't remember us.

Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- good morning, U.

S.

A.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Man, these C.

I.

A.

auctions are amazing.

There's so much cool stuff.

Hey, can we get a Farsi translator? Please, please, please? Will you feed her and take her for walks? No.

And sold! This working hellfire m*ssile goes to the man stroking a cat menacingly in the front row.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, it's not for me.

It's for downtown Pittsburgh.

[ Cat purrs ]

Our next item is a 26-foot sailboat seized off the coast of Colombia.

Wow.

Wow.

I've always wanted to be a boat guy.

I know, right? Hanging out on the deck, washing down fries from the marina café with some cheap canned beer, making constant small repairs, getting sunburned and complaining the whole time Sounds like heaven.

Why don't we start the bidding at $5,000? Right here! I see $5,000.

Do I have -- $10,000! $20,000! $50,000! What the hell is going on?! 'Scusies? Has the Colombian boat been searched for cocaine? Uh, yes.

There is no cocaine on the boat.

Take backs.

Me, too.

I'm out.

Sold to the tr*nsv*stite in the red dress.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! He is good.

He's got a better eye than Garry Marshall.

Good afternoon, men, and welcome to water polo tryouts.

I'm the new coach, James Hetfield.

I know what you're thinking.

"Whoa, the James Hetfield from Metallica?" The answer is no way even though I look and sound like him and have all his guitars.

The point is, if I had to deal with the kind of pressure that guy's under, I'd probably cr*ck and end up as a high school water polo coach.

So, it's a good thing that I'm just this very different James Hetfield.

Okay, I appreciate everyone's interest in the team, but I can only keep 13 boys.

Andthere are 13 of you trying out.

Okay, we're good.

Sweet! [ Door bangs open ]

Not so Uhh! [ Groans ]

Not not so fast! I'll take my jacket in a women's medium.

[ Water splashing ]

I got cut from water polo tryouts! So you're not on a team, and I don't get to hang with the cool parents for yet another year.

Gotcha.

[ Spoon clatters ]

Great.

No one cares.

I care.

Klaus? Wh-where are you? On the table, under a pair of Stan's workout shorts.

He missed the dirty clothes hamper by, like, 80 feet.

So tell me about this water polo tryout.

How was your eggbeater? Were your dry passes not to the strong side hand? UhI don't know.

Wha-- how do you know so much about water polo? Eh, growing up, it was a terrific way to avoid Turkish people.

Now I can give you some pointers, and we will force the coach to reconsider you.

Awesome! I am going to make you the greatest water polo player in the world! Yeah! Step aside, Peter Nordquis! Wow.

You really know your water polo.

I was just making a name up.

Welp, you got it right.

Ready? Ready! There seems to have been a misunderstanding about what kind of boat guys we're gonna be.

Whoa! Is it true you guys bought a sailboat?! What do you care? I love sailing.

I practically grew up on boats.

I taught at sailing camp.

It's the one thing I'm really good at.

I guess, statistically, there had to be one.

If you ever need any help with the boat -- No.

I'd be happy to -- [ cocks g*n ]

g*ns are a great tool for keeping things from escalating out of control.

Now then, about this outfit disagreement [ Cocks g*n ]

You're gonna dress my way.

Nice and easy.

See? This works! No talking! Let's hit the marina.

[ Panting ]

I just got mugged! [ Both whistling ]

Ugh.

Look at your upper body bobbing and swaying.

You look like a broken Barbie doll surfacing after a ferry sinking.

Well, h-how do I stay still? Tuck your hips in.

[ Grunts ]

Like this? Ugh.

Here, watch me.

Like this.

Dude, what is wrong with you? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do! You're supposed to do this.

Aah! Tuckyourhips! Ooh! Then you pick up a ball, eggbeater for elevation, and fire it into the back of the net.

[ Grunts ]

Whoa.

Holy crap.

You "ratatouille"'d me! But it's not like I can go to tryouts with a -- with a -- with a fish hanging on my shorts.

I'm just gonna have to keep practicing till I can do it myself.

[ Scoffs ]

A fish hanging on my shorts.

You know, in Japan, a fish on your shorts is eight years of neither good nor bad luck.

The Japanese are very superstitious.

[ Metallica's "Master of Puppets" playing ]

[ Chuckles ]

Wow.

Smith, you just made the team.

Master! Master! [ Crank clicking ]

Master! I don't know what got into you, but I love it.

You're stronger, more confident.

Even your package looks bigger.

Well done.

Nothing wrong with a fish hanging in your shorts.

[ Both laughing maniacally ]

There's probably a few things wrong with it.

Look at those guys with their tit-eating grins.

Time to join 'em.

All right, Klaus.

Take the curly reins.

[ High-pitched voice ]

Aah! Let's go, Scottie! Focus, Matt! Please note that I'm here, Nick! I have to go back to work soon! [ Whistle blows ]

[ "Master of Puppets" playing ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

[ Spectators cheer ]

Wow! Uhgo, Steve! Woman: You're Steve's mom? [ Hesitantly ]

Yes? Your son's a superstar! What are you doing way over there? You have to sit with us! Really? With the cool parents? Let me just check for something in my purse.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! [Bleep]

Yes! Master! Master! [ Spectators cheering ]

Great first game, men.

That was as exciting as singing in front of 70,000 people at Giants Stadium I would imagine.

Tell you what.

You keep the wins going, I'm taking you all to raging waters, and everyone can bring a friend.

[ All cheer ]

I'm bringing David! You hear that, buddy? Raging waters.

So much water, so much rage.

It sounds lovely.

Well, you're gonna be my plus-one.

Really? Of course.

You're my partner.

Hell, right now you're my best friend in the whole world.

[ Breathing unevenly ]

[ Sobbing quietly ]

[ Fizzles ]

[ Water lapping, seabird calling ]

[ Slurping, gulping ]

Slow down! No wake! Assholes.

[ Both gulping ]

Thanks, buddy.

[ Slurps ]

Hey, you think we should, uh, sand something? Something always needs sanding.

[ Scratching ]

[ Slurps ]

Whew! Hot work.

I could use another cold one, Stan.

Oh, I think we're out.

Who theWhat the [ Angelic music plays ]

You boys looked dry.

[ Fizzes ]

Welcome to the marina.

Or as they say in Spanish, bienvenidos to the marina.

I'm Van Dusen.

I'm Roger, and this is Stan.

We're just up from the B.

V.

I.

Ahh.

Good sail.

[ Slurps ]

Good sail.

[ Slurps ]

Good sail.

Good sail.

You, uhpainting after you sand? You know it.

Ain't that just how it goes? It surely is.

You know what I tell my friends when they ask what it's like to own a boat? I say, "Stand under a cold shower and tear up $100 bills.

" [ Laughing ]

Oh, my God, you're perfect! That's such a perfect thing to say! [ Chuckles ]

It surely is.

Well, I'll see ya, boys.

I got a fuel line to patch.

Did you see all the melanomas on his arms? That's a boat guy.

And now we are, too.

[ Clink ]

How's the sanding going? I think I've been sanding a window.

Cool.

Morning, mom.

Sit, Steve.

I made you breakfast.

I-I'm kind of running late for school.

This is just a little thank-you for turning me into one of the cool jock parents.

Well, I'm glad to help.

I never thought I'd be part of their world because you and Hayley have always sucked at everything.

Hey.

What's for breakfast? Nothin'.

b*at it.

[ Metallica's "All Nightmare Long" playing ]

'Cause we hunt you down without mercy hunt you down all nightmare long feel us breathe upon your face feel us shift, every move we trace hunt you down without mercy hunt you down all night-- [ camera shutter clicks ]

Hey! No cameras! Are you reaching for something? Only greatness.

I'm Amy Reed, sports editor of the Pearl Bailey Gazette.

A girl trying to make it in a boys' world.

I respect the hell out of that.

You're taking the school by storm, and I want to know what makes you so good.

My laser-like focus.

[ Breathily ]

Oh, my.

To be continued.

Okay, the new name for your shorts is "The Bone Yard," 'cause there were so many bones in there.

Wait, did -- did you also have a -- Oh, don't tell me you didn't feel mine, bro.

That's bullshit, man.

Ugh.

Soggy.

I can't get a single fry in my mouth! [ Thud ]

Aah! I didn't ask for a beer! Throwing beers is the only thing that breaks up the monotony.

Owning a boat sucks.

It does.

It's just constant maintenance.

Should weI don't know, try sailing it? Where? Where in the ocean do you need to go? Uh, here's the bill for this month's slip fee.

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God! $14?! That's an hour of kiln time! That's it.

We're sellin' the boat.

Heh, good luck.

I've been trying to sell mine for 15 years.

Trouble is, most people know how stupid it is to own a boat.

Sometimes I just wish this thing would sink so I could get the insurance money.

That gives me an idea.

Me, too.

Oh, I love it when we have ideas at the same time! So do I! Bring it in.

[ Lowered voice ]

I think we should get pinkberry.

[ Lowered voice ]

Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

And after that, let's commit [ Whispers ]

insurance fraud.

[ Whispers ]

It's so easy to make plans with you.

Hey, Klaus.

I see Amy's water polo story came out in the school paper.

Yeah, pretty cool.

She calls me the "Pool Shark.

" "When asked how he got so good at water polo, Smith replied, "'by being totally awesome all by myself with no help.

#blessed'" what is this crap?! Come on! I couldn't say I had a fish in my shorts.

I-I'd get kicked off the team! You wouldn't even be on the team if I wasn't steering you by the pubes.

Ugh, Klaus, stop being such a baby.

It's one stupid article.

Yeah, but -- But nothing! I'm not forgetting about you, I swear to God! [ Horn honks ]

Oh, that's the bus to raging waters.

Great, I'll get my stuff.

I'm ready.

Oh.

Yeah Ugh.

Um, about that Come on, Steve! Thanks for inviting me! Dude.

I know I invited you first, but you can't compete with that.

If it's competition you want, then prepare to lose.

Uh, but not right now, of course, because you're k*lling it.

You're taking a hot girl to a water park, and I'm stuck home in a bowl.

But things can change.

Oh, yes, change is in the air.

Change is a-comin'.

Chan-- It's been a hell of a season, men.

You've played for me, for each other, and for this letter jacket.

Now let's go send Fairfax Country Day School Off to never-never land, ah! 'Sup? Ready to do this? I'm thinking today the pool shark will be doing it by himself.

I'm too engrossed in this week's cafeteria menu.

[ Sighs ]

Is this about raging waters? Sloppy Joe Friday.

Start your weekend on the toilet.

Fine.

I don't need you.

Yeah, yeah.

This is gonna be like the part of "Ratatouille" when the human realizes he doesn't need the rat any more, and then he's really successful on his own, and then the movie ends.

The movie doesn't end when you fall asleep with your blankie, Steve.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Smack ]

The hell's wrong with you, Smith?! Is Steve all right? I don't think so.

He's losing his mother's love.

[ Grunting ]

Look at you, quivering like the Italian army.

That's because your legs are as weak as the Italian air force, which is why you've taken fewer sh*ts than the Italian Navy.

I'm not just gonna float here and let you compare me to the entire Italian armed forces.

Well, what are you gonna do about it, paisan? I'm gonna use all my strength to be the pool shark I know I can be! [ Triumphant music playing ]

[ Glass shatters ]

Oh! Just missed.

[ Weakly ]

And I used all my strength.

[ Thinking ]

Oh, God.

Am I drowning? I am drowning.

My life is flashing before my eyes.

[ Claps hands ]

[ Singsongy ]

Come to mama! [ Thud ]

What?! No! Have fun tonight, honey.

Give him everything he wants.

You bet.

[ Both moaning ]

No! Those are my boobs! Stopignoring me.

[ Bubbling ]

[ Coughing, sputtering ]

You okay? [ Coughs ]

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm better than okay.

It took me being underwater to finally see things clearly.

That's a great lyric.

I got my confidence back.

I quit.

I have a confession to make.

I didn't become a great water polo player all by myself.

In fact, the guy that made me great is here today.

[ Lowered voice ]

Dude, what are you doing? You see, sometimes one member of the team gets the spotlight, even though he couldn't have done it without another member -- an important member.

I'm talking about the little guy in my swimsuit.

And I think it's time for everybody to meet him.

[ All gasp ]

Welp, it was a good run.

Stop! You'll lose everything.

This guy doesn't get the attention he deserves.

Maybe 'cause he's so small.

Prove it! 'Scuse me.

Sorry.

Just making my way out.

I know how this ends.

He gets a little shy.

M-maybe if I stroke him a bit, he'll pop his head out.

That's so gross.

I'm so cold.

Are you a varsity athlete? No.

My dad owns a jacket company.

Oh, my God.

[ Giggles ]

Okay, everybody, I see how this looks.

I'm not a weirdo.

I just have a fish in my shorts.

He's been helping me get a jacket.

Seemed like a good way to get to second base.

Thinking about switching schools.

I think she's ready.

Shipshape.

Hey, guys! I'm so psyched you invited me to take the boat out! Well, Jeff, we realized how selfish we'd been, and we wanted to share the boat-guy lifestyle with someone who'd appreciate it.

Awesome.

So, can I cast off? You mean drive it? Yeah, sure, knock yourself out.

Hey, dad.

Whoa! Hayley, Hayley, we just invited Jeff to go sailing.

But it's our anniversary.

Of what? Being married.

And what better way to celebrate than a sunset sail? Eh, mind the lines.

[ Adventurous music playing ]

[ Seabirds calling ]

So that's what sailing's supposed to look like.

Would've been cool if we'd done that.

Yeah.

So, how long till the boat sinks? Mm, as soon as the painter's tape that's covering the big hole in the bottom disintegrates.

Well, let's go get 'em and collect that sweet boat insurance.

Boat insurance? Who insures a boat? I thought the play was life insurance.

What? I took out a very aggressive policy on Jeff.

Damn it, Roger, we can't let them drown! It's, uh, it's actually a pretty important part of the plan.

The -- the, uh, crux, if you will.

Ugh, forget it.

They lived.

[ Panting ]

That was horrible! The boat just sank! And the life jackets didn't help at all! It's like they're filled with sand.

Roger! It wasn't me! Wait a minute.

[ Click ]

Cocaine! Stan, do you know what this means?! I sure do.

It means all three of you are going to prison.

Wait, what?