12x15 - The Life and Times of Stan Smith

[bunniefuu]

Can you believe Dad makes us listen to his physical results every year? Can you believe I've never had a physical? Okay, I have a critically ill child to check on, so, Mr.

Smith, let's get this over with - Stan: Play the intro music! - I don't think that's necessary.

- Play the music, nerd! - [Sighs]

[Up-tempo music playing]

Before we hear what amazing shape I'm in, I wanna thank all you Stanamaniacs for coming out in full force.

Doc, tell 'em what papa's packin'.

Well, you've put on 5 pounds since last year.

Bigger is better! You shrunk a quarter of an inch.

So much man in such a tiny package! And your cholesterol is high.

Are there no heights I can't reach?! Cholesterol is a serious issue.

[Under breath]

Forget cholesterol.

We're losing them.

Bring out the big g*ns.

Um, it's looking like, down the line, your left knee is gonna need to be replaced.

Right knee carrying the team to the finish line! Oh, I know.

Tell 'em if I have AIDS or not.

You, uh, still don't have AIDS.

Hear that, Francine? Doc's giving me a prescription for raw doggin'! Yeah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

- [Indistinct conversations]

- I don't think this is the best place to eat for someone with your cholesterol.

Mmm.

Dad, milk? Isn't that Way ahead of you, Hayley.

It's not milk.

It's ranch dressing from the Lazy Ranch River! Stan, the doctor gave you this health journal to monitor your fitness and eating habits.

Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

And you heard my stool sample results Too hard to test.

But you're getting older.

You need to take care of yourself.

We still have a lot of memories to make.

Of course we do, honey.

Now I'm gonna see how close the ranch river gets me to the cheese cauldron.

[Splash, whistle blows]

Sir, you need to wear goggles! That ranch is highly chlorinated! If he doesn't change his lifestyle, something terrible could happen.

Sadly, people are often set in their ways until something really rattles them, like a like a near-death experience.

So we just hope he has a near-death experience? Hope? A near-death experience is something I can guarantee.

You know how E.

T.

could make a cute little nightlight with his finger? Well, I slept with his puppeteer.

However, that's unrelated to the fact that my species is 60% electricity.

Why do you think my Umbros are always so static-y? - Anyway, I can use this - [Crackling]

to stop and restart Stan's heart.

He'll think he had a heart att*ck.

Just give him the little scare he needs.

Watch.

- [Electricity zaps]

- Dead.

- [Electricity zaps]

- Alive.

Now go get me the recipe for this tangy Thai sauce.

[Indistinct conversations]

I can't believe I missed the college fair at school today.

Isn't it a little early for you guys to be worrying about all that? No way! I'm already behind! Look, Barry already signed his letter of intent to Gonzaga.

Klaus: You know Coach Few's gonna get the most out of him.

Oh, man, if you knew what I have in store for you, all your worries would melt away.

You'd be swaddled tight, wrapped safely in my freshly laundered plans Klaus, what the [bleep]

are you talking about? During my college years in Germany, I did a semester abroad at Arizona State.

I'll take you to see the campus, introduce you to some choice people.

You'll be golden! I don't know.

Isn't Arizona State a party school? How dare you?! ASU's got everything! It was ranked number one in "Innovation.

" - By who? - By the rankers! It's also got a sick baseball team and the only Chili's Too that's not in an airport.

Great.

Now go get me the recipe for the zesty ranch.

I didn't know I'd want the zesty ranch when I sent you for the tangy Thai.

I tried to text you.

What's with all the coffee? After the amount of cheese I consumed at Fuddruckers, it takes three pots' worth - just to get my system running again.

- Wow.

Roger, this finger zapping thing isn't gonna hurt, right? - Not a bit.

- [Crackling]

- [Electricity zaps]

- [Groaning]

You said it wasn't gonna hurt! No, I said it wouldn't hurt me.

You! Need! To listen! Girl! Well, you are a lucky man.

You had a heart att*ck, but you made a full recovery.

[Strained voice]

Turn the music on for me.

You are capable of turning on a boombox one foot away all by yourself.

Do it nerd.

[Sighs deeply]

[Soft music playing]

I owe you all an apology.

Except you, nerd, But I should've listened to you guys.

From here on out, it's more exercise, healthier eating, and better choices.

And I choose Doc, next track.

- [Rock music playing]

- to be a lean, mean, muscle flexin' machine.

Like a phoenix, I shall rise! Because to be the man, you have to b*at the man! All: Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan! - [Crunch]

- [Cheering]

Yeah! You did it! That chemistry lab was tight, huh? So much innovating going on there.

Yeah, maybe.

It was just kinda weird that no one knew how to work any of the stuff.

That's 'cause it's the latest stuff! I don't know about this place, Klaus.

It says the library opens "when Todd wakes up.

" [Heavy metal music playing]

Hey, I think that's, like, a frat or something.

Should we go I don't know, check it out? Both: Klaus! - You know these guys? - Everyone knows Klaus! One time, we didn't have a band for Spring Fling, and at the total last second, Klaus got the Foo Fighters to play! And one time, we were stuck in a Mexican prison, and Klaus got the Foo Fighters to break us out! And one time, my parents d*ed in a tragic car accident, and Klaus missed the funeral because he was at a Foo Fighters concert! Ahh, I had some good times here at BGZ, or as we're known around campus, Beta Gizz! All: Beta Gizz! Steve, this is Nutbutter, Nic, and Pube Face.

All solid, solid bros.

Hey, I'm gonna go show my buddy around.

[Heavy metal music playing]

Sit on the ground, Steve.

W-what? Sit your ass on the ground! This little bitch doesn't think ASU's good enough for him.

I-I'm sorry.

I don't even go to school here Shut up, pledge! Now what game do you turds want to play first? Milk Gallon Chug or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole? - Milk Gal - Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is! Wow, look at you, ready for a run.

A regular, um, black guy from Kenya.

Yep, and I can't wait to write all about it - in my health journal.

- Hey, I could join you.

There's actually nothing in this bowl.

You know what? That That looks important.

Okay.

Can you hit the lights? [Switch clicks]

[Eerie voice]

La-la, la-la, la, la Roger, I know you gave me that heart att*ck.

[Gasps]

It wasn't my fault! Francine made me Roger, you almost k*lled me I know, but And I loved it! I wanna do it again! Gotta say, Stan, this is why I love you.

You always surprise me.

Whenever I think you're gonna zig, you do a reverse zig.

Now let's get you dead, baby! and that's the reason why I want you no, need you to k*ll me again.

What? Sorry, I was just thinking about what my top 20 "Mr.

Belvedere" episodes are.

But then I realized I've never seen "Mr.

Belvedere.

" Was there an episode where he gets snowed in? 'Cause I would put that right up there.

And if there was a serious one where he had a drug problem, I would consider that episode very powerful, - but not top 20.

- Roger! When you stopped my heart, everything went white.

I woke up in what looked like a Blockbuster Video.

My first reaction was to k*ll myself because it wasn't a Hollywood Video.

But then I realized I was already dead.

It turns out this video store was my life flashing before my eyes.

- It was stocked with all my memories.

- They had everything, - from my first memory of my parents - to hot new releases like you k*lling me.

Suddenly, I wasn't just watching the memory - [Whoosh]

- I was reliving it, feeling what it was like to be young again.

My bad knee didn't hurt.

Aah! - The extra weight I gained was gone.

- [Cheering]

And though it wasn't relevant to the memory, I had that extra confidence that comes from knowing you can get hard all the way to the tip.

[Whoosh]

I could go back - to any of my favorite memories - [Crying]

and eat all my favorite meals without worrying about any of the consequences.

I got to feel like the guy I used to be.

All the reminders that I'm getting old just disappeared, right up until you revived me.

I have to do it again.

Well, the first taste was free.

Next one's gonna cost you.

I'll give you anything.

Money - [Electricity zaps]

- I just want a laugh.

[Pinchers clicking]

[Laughs]

Good start.

[Pinchers clicking]

[Laughs]

- Aah! Stan, help me! - [Glass shatters]

[Whoosh]

Order of chili fries, horsey-style.

Uh, I believe I ordered all the fixings.

[Whistles]

- Come on, boy! Eat faster! Eat faster! - [Moans]

Someone order a pizza? I got an extra large sausage.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Is anyone cool with that girl Megan from Kappa? - I know her.

- Hook it up, bro.

[Spits]

Pledges completed their butt chug challenge.

Gonna recycle the keg.

[Thudding]

[Panting]

Klaus: Hey, has anyone noticed we're watching gay p*rn? Nutbutter: Maybe it's only gay at the beginning! I say we keep watching! This is a place of learning.

How could every building close at "Beer thirty"?! [Panting]

Oh, thank God! You gotta help me! I was kidnapped and held against my will! Well, you're lucky you ran into me.

I'm not just a security guard.

I'm also the dean of the university.

Plus, I sell loose cigarettes for a dollar a pop.

I've got an emergency down here.

And tell them it was those monsters at BGZ! False alarm.

- Beta Gizz! - Aah! I'm so proud of your progress, honey.

Thought I'd treat you to the healthiest restaurant in town.

Yay.

[Wheels squeak]

You keep taking care of yourself, and we'll be able to have dinners like these for years to come.

I, uh gotta go check on the car.

Got Bazooka Sharks stickers all over that thing, and we're clearly in Cyber Mole country.

Cyber Moles! Come on, Roger.

Pick up.

[Line rings]

- Roger? - Stan! - What are you doing here? - Uh, working.

You? I'm freaking out.

This cannot be what the rest of my life is like.

I just need a quick little trip to the afterlife, maybe visit a memory with a stuffed-crust pizza.

- What do you say? - Fine, I guess I can squeeze you in.

That's some glory hole humor for ya.

My jokes are what people show up for.

The BJs are sh*t.

[Electricity zaps]

Oh, I went ahead and ordered some appetizers.

- [Branch snaps]

- Enjoy.

I, uh I am just now realizing I saw Mark McGwire flossing in the restroom.

I-I gotta thank him for all the homers.

Just one more time! And leave me under a little longer.

Let me really stretch my legs in there.

I can't do that.

After five or six minutes, you'll really die.

Forever.

Fine! Whatever! Just give Daddy a taste! [Sighs]

Okay, but this is it.

You're so addicted to the afterlife that you're missing out on real life.

I-I'm not some battery.

I'm made of flesh and blood and alkaline and manganese oxide.

But I have feelings! I'm just a normal guy with feelings, who can power most non-Samsung mobile devices.

[Electricity zaps, thud]

[Cellphone vibrates]

Holy crap, I just got a retweet from Toshi.

Roger was right.

It was crazy to keep asking him to k*ll me when I can just do it myself.

[Egg timer ticking]

Hmm, a good scientist would test this first.

But if I was a good scientist, then I'd also be a nerd.

And I've made my stance on nerds very clear.

[Click, electricity zaps]

- [Groans]

- [Hissing]

[Continues ticking]

[Whoosh]

I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind if I took a peek at his progress.

[Pages flipping]

[Gasps]

Stan hasn't changed at all! But he did nail my mannerisms.

Stan! Oh, no! Stan, please! - [Click, electricity zaps]

- [Groans]

Whoa! Oh, my god! Guys! Stan and Francine worked out so hard, they fell asleep! Roger: Shut up and get those Fantas! I don't want a history lesson! Okay, but I'm telling you, it's super adorable.

[Laughing]

Man: Ugh, that was terrible.

[Laughs]

If I could play multiple characters like Eddie Murphy, they'd all be watching "Norbit" together.

[Rumbling]

[Whoosh]

Where am I? Is that a Shamrock Shake? Why, yes, it is.

But it's not even close to St.

Paddy's Day.

Oh, my God.

I know where I am.

I'm in Ireland! Um you're in heaven.

Yeah, right, buddy.

If this were really heaven, I'd have a Shamrock - [Bell dings]

- shake! [Slurps]

But that means I actually d*ed.

[Slurps]

Why didn't the revival paddles fall on me? - [Slurps]

- Because they fell on me! I can't believe you k*lled us both! Well, technically, you k*lled us - when you got in the way of my - Stan.

Okay, all right.

We could sit here all day, arguing about whose homemade death machine k*lled who.

Or we could look at the bright side.

- We can do anything we want here! - [Pop]

- Bam! My bum knee is fixed.

- [Pop]

- Bam! Ten-pack! - [Pop]

Bam! I have a tail.

Hell, yeah! [Cries]

Don't you get it? We're never gonna see our kids grow up! We can make our own versions of Hayley and Steve.

But that Hayley doesn't even have a mouth.

And that's not even Steve.

It's Turtle from "Entourage.

" - Yeah! Heaven! - I just don't get it.

What was so horrible about your life that you wanted to k*ll yourself? I wasn't trying to k*ll myself.

I was escaping into my memories.

When I heard about my poor health, I-I know I played it cool, but I wasn't as cool as I was playing it, which was super cool.

But beneath that Joe Camel cool was a Marlboro coward, terrified of the long, slow decline of my body.

Oh, Stan, I hear you.

And I thank you for sharing that with me.

But the thing is you k*lled us, you idiot! We still had a lifetime of memories to make on Earth, and you stole those from me! So as far as I'm concerned, you can spend the rest of eternity by yourself! Francine, wait! Give Turtle-Steve a chance.

He's just like Steve, except he'll drive us anywhere and he's always on ass patrol.

[Slurping]

[Voice breaks]

Just doesn't taste the same without Francine begging me to stop for my own good.

Excuse me, do you know if there's any way to get back to Earth? Um, if you're looking to escape the afterlife, I'd ask in hell.

People are always trying to get out of that craphole.

Great.

Thank you! Sorry, one last question.

If you're in heaven, why do you have to work as a waitress? [Chuckles]

Oh, no.

I'm a sl*ve.

[Loud cheers and applause]

[Cheering continues]

Hey, demon, is this obstacle course the way back to Earth? Nah, that's the way out of hell into heaven.

Announcer: Stepping to the starting line, - Adolf h*tler! - [Cheers and applause]

Adolf is best remembered for his work in World w*r II, and his legacy lives on in Macklemore's haircut.

He'll be making his 453rd attempt at getting through the course tonight.

And he's off! Powering through the quintuple steps with ease! No trouble with the rolling log! Ooh! He tried to rush the salmon ladder, and it looks like - [Screaming]

- [Roars, crunch]

No one ever makes it.

But it's nice just to get out of the house! There's gotta be a way to get me and Francine back to Earth.

Yo, wings! Back to heaven with you, you tourist.

Think, Stan! What do I know about the devil? Devil with a moo mess, moo mess, moo mess Devil-mmm-mmm, moo mess-ma That's it! He's always makin' deals.

Hey, you're a bettin' man, right? How 'bout this for a deal? You send my wife and me back to Earth to live out the rest of our lives.

And yawn.

What's in it for me? Next time I die, I won't go to heaven.

You get my soul.

So you're willing to give up heaven for a few more miserable years on Earth? Yes, because all the heaven I've ever needed was being with Francine and my kids.

Oh, wow, Stan.

I had no idea that you were such a bitch! Fine, you got a deal.

Oh, and when you get back to Earth, tell Rachael Ray to [bleep]

off.

She'll know what she did.

That is not how you treat another person! - [Smacks]

- [Flames whoosh]

I can't believe they're dead! [Gasping]

Now I'm just as broken up about this as you are, but we can't ignore the facts It's pretty chilly out, and neither of us knows how to work the thermostat.

Our only option is to slice open the bodies so we can huddle inside them for warmth.

[Inhales deeply]

Let's do it.

I refuse to sleep in socks.

[Both gasp loudly]

Stan, we're alive! Oh, thank God! What happened? I guess someone realized we needed more time here together.

And this time around, I'm gonna make it last as long as possible.

[Lowered voice]

'Cause then I'm going to hell.

What's with the Kn*fe? You shouldn't have to be a g*dd*mn electrician to live in this house! [Door creaks open]

Oh, is it cookie time already? Circle up, boys.

We have a game to play.

No, Steve, you're late for graduation! From pledging? No, from ASU! Come on, it's about to start! How?! I was only here for a week.

Remember when you asked a question in the science lab? That was the minimum requirement to graduate! Now hurry up! Oh, and get a speech ready.

You're also valedictorian! [Applause]

[Feedback whines]

- [Heavy metal music playing]

- [Water bubbles]

[Birds chirping]

Stan, ready for a jog? Yep! Just one minute.

Stan, I love that you're beasting it on the salmon ladder, but there's no shame in starting basic.

I know.

I just think this will be very beneficial long-term.

[Groans]

I need to live forever.

- That's the spirit! - [Flames whoosh]