05x05 - My Mother the Dog/Martha's Must-Have

[bunniefuu]

♪ Martha was an average dog. ♪

♪ She went... and... and... ♪
(barking, growls)

♪ When she ate
some alphabet soup ♪

♪ Then what happened
was bizarre... ♪

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain,
and now...

♪ She's got a lot to say ♪

♪ Now she speaks... ♪

How now, brown cow?

♪ Martha speaks ♪

♪ Yeah, she speaks
and speaks and speaks ♪

♪ And speaks and speaks... ♪

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♪ Martha speaks... ♪

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♪ She's not always right, but
still that Martha speaks... ♪

Hi, there.

♪ She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ Sometimes wrong,
but seldom in doubt ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ That dog's unique... ♪

Testing, one, two.

♪ Hear her speak ♪

♪ Martha speaks and speaks
and speaks and speaks and... ♪

♪ Communicates, enumerates,
elucidates, exaggerates ♪

♪ Indicates and explicates ♪

♪ Bloviates and overstates
and... ♪

(panting)

♪ Hyperventilates. ♪

♪ Martha-- to reiterate--
Martha speaks. ♪

Hi! Today's words...

All set.

That was fast.

You cleaned
your whole room?

My mom said I could go
when it was clean.

Wait a minute.

(sighs)

Today's words are about things
that are genuine and real.

And also things
that are fake.

Authentic?

Phony.

Ow!

Hey, what's this?

(laughs nervously)

Pretty accurate painting,
don't you think?

Uh-uh.

Listen to words about
genuine and artificial,

and we'll see you
at the end of the show.

(growling)

(squawking)

MARTHA:
I think it's a perfect
resemblance.

You do know what
resemblance means, right?

Sure.

When one thing resembles
another thing,

that means they look alike.

And you're saying
I resemble this?

This is a good
resemblance of me?

When you're sneezing, sure.

You look like this.

Why would I want a picture
like that?

To know what you look like
when you're sneezing.

(calling):
Mom, did you sign the slip
for school picture retakes?

On the table!

(phone ringing)

Got it.

(dial tone)

Strange.

(doorbell rings)

(laughs)

Is something
in the microwave?

Ronald's parrot
is loose again.

Oh no.

Here, birdy, birdy, birdy!

I left the door open.

Maybe it will fly out
on its own.

I can't believe
it fooled me again.

It's pretty good.

I've heard it do
impersonations, too.

Impersonations?

An impersonation is when you
pretend to be someone else.

Like you can make your voice
sound like theirs.

I can do impersonations.

Listen: "Hi, I'm Helen."

I don't sound like that.

(parrot squawks)

I think it went upstairs!

I can impersonate your mom.

Listen: "Helen, did you do
your homework?"

Hey, that sounds
pretty accurate.

It sounds just like her.

(laughs)

You should come to work
at the store.

I could use someone
to impersonate me when I'm busy.

(doorbell rings)

Doorbell!

It got you again.

Hello?

¿Dónde estás?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Don't you try and fool us,
you crazy bird.

(gasps)

Crazy bird?!

It's downstairs.

MRS. DEMSON:
Hello?

MOM:
Who let you
out of your cage?

I beg your pardon?!

MARTHA:
Go back where you belong,
you noisy pest!

Uh, Martha...

When I get my paws
on you, you'll...

Mrs. Demson!

I came to tell you
your door was open.

(angrily):
You're welcome!

(squawking)

Mission accomplished.

(laughs nervously)
Oh no, estoy tarde.

I'm late.

Here's my impersonation
of Helen's dad:

"Who ate the cake?"

What do you think?

(barks)

(phone rings)

Martha!

Thank goodness.

I forgot to bring the slip
Mom signed

so I can get my picture
taken again.

Can you bring it to school?

As long as no one objects
to a little dog slobber.

Where is it?

Kitchen table! Hurry!

Hey, Skits, I need to get...

Skits!

Oh, no!

Without that slip,
Helen will have to live

with that horrible resemblance!

(gasps)

(barks reassuringly)

I agree, she looks like
she's sneezing, right?

But I guess she doesn't like it.

Hey, I know!

I'll have Mom call school.

Come on, pick up...

(cell phone ringing)

Oh, no!

She must have forgotten it
in all the confusion.

What can we do, Skits?

We've tried every option.

This is a genuine emergency.

Hang on, I think
I have an idea!

It's not a problem,
Mrs. Lorraine.

The photographer
hasn't left yet

and Helen can get
a new photo taken.

(as Mom):
Wonderful.

Thank you so much!

(whispers):
It worked!

Meanwhile, could you do me
a favor?

Remember that terrific lemonade
you made

for the last PTA meeting?

Could you bring some tonight?

Not a problem.

I mean, no problemo.

It's funny...

Just now,
you sounded like Martha.

Oh, that's because I'm working
on my Martha impersonation.

Really?

Let's hear it!

Oh, uh...

Hi, I sound just like Martha,
but really I'm just Mariella

imitating me...

I mean Martha. The dog.

Not me.

Keep working on it.

Anyway, there shouldn't be
more than people.

Fifty?

That cooler that you brought
last time should be plenty.

Bye!

Lemonade for people?

By tonight?

Helen's mom's at work.

I can't ask her to come home
and make it, can I?

(barks)

Now, how do you
make lemonade, Skits?

(confused bark)

Oh, wait!

Hold the phone, Joan.

I know.

I remember who gave her
the recipe.

(confused bark)

Mrs. Demson.

(both groan)

So you see, it was
an honest mistake.

We thought you were
Ronald's parrot.

Who is this?

Martha.

Martha the dog?

Yes.

Does your owner know
you're using the phone?

(sighs)

Let me speak to Mariella.

Yeesh.

(clears throat)

(as Mom):
Hello?

Listen, your dog
just called me.

The one who
insulted me today.

I have only one thing
to say to you.

Yes?

You poor thing.

Listen, I don't want to be
a buttinsky,

but this business of letting
animals talk all over the place

is getting out of hand.

First it's a dog,
then it's a bird.

What you need is a fish.

A fish?

They don't talk.

Just go blub-blub-blub.

Get a nice fish,
that's my advice.

Mrs. Demson,
the reason I called

was about your wonderful
lemonade recipe.

I need it again.

You lost it?!

No, no, no...

I have it,
but I can't see it.

Why not?

Because... I'm stuck.

Stuck.

Yes, my head is stuck
between the stair rails.

That's ridiculous.

How did you do that?

I was trying to get
a piece of food.

So if you could just give me
that recipe again,

I would be very grateful.

(sighs)

Well, I only make
the authentic, homemade kind.

Do you know what
authentic means?

Oh, yes.

Authentic means real, not fake.

Authentic means real,
not fake.

Now, are you ready?

MARTHA:
lemons,

cups of white sugar,

and please deliver it
as soon as you can.

Gracias!

Now let's go find
that cooler.

Unfortunately,
it's up there.

In the attic.

Close!

Almost!

Nearly!

Maybe we better try
something else.

(grunting)

Ow!

I'm okay.

Almost...

Success?

(happy whimper)

There you go, Skits.

Just don't look down.

Atta boy!

Do you see it?

It's the one Mom uses
for picnics.

(barks)

Nice and easy, now.

Nice and...

Ah!

Help!

(sniffing)

That's it!

(whimpering)

(banging and clattering)

(whimpering)

Hello?

Mrs. Demson?

I figured your owner
couldn't make lemonade

with her head stuck
in the rails,

so I brought some butter.

It's what I use.

I just smear it
all over my head.

Slips right out.

Want me to do it?

No, that's okay,
she got out.

Why don't I believe you?

Well, it's true.

Right?

(as Mom):
Right!

See?

No, I don't.

Mariella, are you okay?

(as Mom):
I'm fine.

Really?

Really.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Absolutely?

Absolutely.

Why doesn't she come out?

Oh, uh...

I think she's just lost
the use of her legs.

Delivery!

Wonderful!

Drop that inside.

There's something very strange
going on here.

Okay, according
to Mrs. Demson,

we start by cutting
these lemons in half.

How do we do that?

(barks)

You're kidding.

(barks)

I guess you're right.

What else are we going to do?

Ready...

And...

Bite!

(gagging)

(gagging and spitting)

Well, only to go.

Whoo!

MRS. DEMSON:
Hmm...

I don't see Mariella at all.

Just those dogs.

Up to some dirty dog tricks,
no doubt.

Only left to go.

(disgusted bark)

Guess we better start
thinking about water.

(barks)

Good thinking,
but our bowls won't be enough.

We need lots of water.

(barking)

Great idea, Skits!

There's that parrot again.

You need help!

(squawking)

Help, help!

What's that?

PARROT:
Help!

I knew it!

Those dogs have got
that poor woman in trouble.

(phone dialing)

Hello, police?

Demson here.

Yes, it's a genuine emergency.

Yes, I know what genuine means.

Genuine means not false.

If something is genuine, it is
really what it seems to be.

It is real and not fake.

And this is a genuine emergency!

Okay, Skits, turn it on.

Lookin' good.

Whoa!

Holy hoses!

Skits, turn it off!

Turn it off!

Don't just knock.

Someone called for help.

Break it down!

Stand back.

Hi-ya!

Freeze!

Whoa!

(coughing)

MARTHA:
So you see, we just didn't want
to give Helen's mom

a lot of extra work.

I've heard and seen enough.

Officers,

do your duty.

Pour the sugar slowly.

This is my authentic
homemade lemonade.

As you all may
or may not know,

something is authentic
when it is real.

If it is a fake or a copy,
it's not authentic.

This is authentic
homemade lemonade.

You cannot rush it.

Gee, Mrs. Demson,
how can we thank you?

Easy. Get out!

No dogs inside.

(parrot squawks)

You too.

b*at it.

What's everyone looking at?

The PTA meets in an hour.

Keep moving!

Chop-chop!

Well, that didn't turn out
too badly.

Maybe I should work on my
impersonation of Mrs. Clusky.

(whimpering)

(as Clusky):
Helen doesn't have to come
to school anymore, Mariella.

She can stay home all day
and play with the dogs.

(as herself):
What do you think?

Good, huh?

MOM:
Martha!

Oh, Mom's home!

Let me get this straight.

You did all this?

¿Correcto?

Is that accurate?

Um, hold that thought.

Accurate.

When something is accurate,
it is true or correct or right.

For instance, if someone said
I was a yellow dog,

that would be accurate.

Now, that's an accurate
resemblance,

by which I mean it's correct
down to the last detail.

Thank goodness.

MOM:
Martha!

Oh...

So, once again,
all of this happened

because you were making
lemonade for the PTA?

Is that accurate?

Yes, it's accurate.

We did all that.

Well, thank you.

Everybody should have
helpful dogs like you.

(as Mom):
Aw, Gracias!

(laughing)

Pretty accurate!

(thunder rumbling)

(dramatic music on TV)

(loud thunder clap)

(dogs whimpering)

Help, Carlo, I'm down here!

(barking)

Sorry we couldn't make it
to the park before the rain.

Watching Courageous
Collie Carlo

is almost like being
with other dogs, isn't it?

It would be, if TV had smells.

Another satisfying dénouement!

ANNOUNCER:
Hey, kids!

Do you wish you had a dog
like Courageous Collie Carlo?

Not really.

Well, now you can!

With the new, authentic,
Courageous Collie Carlo Collar.

Try saying that
five times fast.

Courageous Collie Carlo Collar,

Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar,

Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar...

HELEN:
It was a figure of speech.

You made me lose count!

Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar,

Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar,

Courageous
Collie Carlo Collar,

Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar,

Courageous
Collie Carlo Collar!

I did it!

ANNOUNCER:
Made of genuine, luxurious

naugha-pleather hide

with an authentic
platinum-painted-plastic clasp.

What's a naugha-pleather?

Never met one.

ANNOUNCER:
And it can be yours for just...

HELEN:
Who's going to spend
that much on a collar?

It's not worth it.

I wonder why
it costs so much?

Aw...

(whimpers)

Maybe because of the genuine
naugha-pleather hide?

I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure naugha-pleather
is artificial.

Artificial?

Does that mean expensive?

No.

When something is artificial,
it means it isn't real.

It's man-made to look like
something real, but it isn't.

(laughing)

(giggling)

Like your squirrel toy
looks like a squirrel,

but it isn't really
a squirrel.

It's an artificial squirrel.

A fake.

An imitation.

Ow!

Pretty good imitation!

I just don't see
how a dog collar

can be worth all that money.

Yeah.

The only thing collars are good
for is holding your tags.

(grunting)

And getting in the way
of scratching.

Who would ever buy one?

Francois, that's who.

MARTHA:
I can't believe he fell
for that marketing gimmick.

What a...

(gasps)

Lucky dog!

And Francois says
it happens all the time.

People giving him food.

All because of the Courageous
Collie Carlo Collar!

They can't resist it.

Oh, can you imagine?

Here comes that dog
with the cute collar!

(chewing loudly)

KID:
The dog with the
cool collar lives here!

MAN:
There she is!

(whimpering)

This collar is magic!

(sighs)

I've got to have one.

Oh, Helen!

Uh-uh.

But why can't I have it?

It's cheap.

Cheap?

I thought you said it cost
a lot of money.

It does, but cheap
is one of those words

that has more than one meaning.

People also say
something is cheap

when it's made badly
or made out of poor materials.

Like those flip-flops
you used to have?

Talk about cheap.

They fell apart the second
I put them in my mouth.

Those weren't cheap.

They just weren't made
for chewing.

Oh, right, sorry.

The kind of cheap I mean
is when something

just isn't worth what they
want you to pay for it.

Can you put a price
on happiness?

It's too expensive.

I'm not going to spend
that much on some bogus collar.

But I don't want a collar
for a bogus.

I want a collar for a dog.

Martha!

Bogus isn't
a kind of animal.

Bogus is a word that means
something is fake.

It's an imitation.

There's no such thing as
"naugha-pleather."

It's a totally made-up,
fake material.

It's bogus.

But it makes people
give you food!

I don't know about that.

Please, please, please...

Please, please, please...

Please, please, please...

Please, please, please...

Please, please, please...

(groans)

Please, please, please...

Martha, please!

I am trying to sleep.

Oh, sorry.

(whispering):
Please, please, please...

(sighs)

(yawns)

(panting)

Why are you so tired?

Not fair...

And why is Martha
so sulky?

(yawns)

My dog won't let me sleep.

She keeps begging me for the
Courageous Collie Carlo Collar.

Why don't you just buy one
for her?

Yeah, why don't you?

Because they want a crazy amount
of money for it.

(loud kiss)

But it's super cheap-looking.

It isn't worth it.

I know!

Make a phony collar
that looks just like it.

Oh, TD!

A phone doesn't
look like a collar.

It doesn't even have a place
to hang your tags.

Not a phone.

Phony.

When something is phony,
it means it's fake.

It's just to fool people.

Would a phony collar
fool people into feeding me?

It's worth a try.

Hello, I have a Courageous
Collie Carlo Collar.

(gasps)

Don't you want to feed me?

Phony old collar!

Only the real, genuine

Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar works!

Well, the real, genuine collar
is too expensive.

If you loved me,
you'd buy me that collar.

(sighs)

Will it never end?

I know how you feel.

There's all kinds
of cool stuff I want

that my parents won't buy
for me, either.

Really?

Sure.

They always say,

"If you want it,
you'll have to buy it yourself."

But dogs don't have money.

Neither do kids.

Unless we do chores.

Really?

I'm game.

Here's your paper.

Can I have money?

Hello!

Paper delivery!

I've always wanted a dog
to bring me my slippers.

You'll have to pay her.

She's doing chores
to earn money for a dog collar.

(sniffing)

That's one chore I really enjoy!

(toy squeaking)

Boy, Skits!

I am really going to earn
a lot of money in here.

Okay, Jakey.

Time to pay up!

Jakey!

Jakey?

(sighs)

(disgusted):
Babies.

They're cute,
but they don't have wallets.

Stop!

Put your feet up!

I'll take care of the floor.

(licking and humming loudly)

It's a little slimy.

(growls)

But it sure is shiny!

(sighs happily)

Don't worry, Dad.

I've got it!

Rats.

(blowing loudly)

Another job well done.

(wind blowing)

No!

What are you doing?

Doggie massage.

TD:
It's oddly refreshing.

Next!

(groans)

This is it, Skits!

My life is about to change
forever.

(clears throat)

Isn't he the cutest thing?

Hey, look!

I have a Courageous Collie
Carlo Collar too!

(grunting)

I think she has fleas.

No, it's this collar.

It's super itchy.

Wait, I didn't get
my treat yet!

Oh...

Itchy collar.

Cheap, bogus,
good-for-nothing,

over-priced, fakey-fake hunk
of naugha-pleather!

Hey!

How's the new collar?

Awful!

The artificial leather
was too itchy.

And it stained Martha's fur,
so I had to give her a bath.

Plus it didn't work!

People weren't feeding Francois
because of the collar.

They were just feeding him
because he was...

(gagging)

...cute.

(gagging)

I'm going to take it back
to the store

and see if we can get
Martha's money back.

Whoa!

You made that much
delivering papers

and carrying house slippers?

Mm-hmm.

Can I have your old route?

Why not?

You may not be a real dog,

but you've always been
an excellent imitation dog.

Great!

(bicycle bell dings)

Hello there!

Is there something expensive
you'd like to buy?

When something is
expensive,

it means it costs
a lot of money.

That's right, TD.

People want lots
of expensive things--

video games, sneakers, shirts--

but they don't always have
money.

That's okay!

Martha's "Learn to Do Chores
Like a Dog" program can help.

You'll learn to carry slippers,

rake leaves
and pick up toys.

But never do chores for a baby,
because babies never pay.

(mumbling):
Here's your paper.

Wow!

MARTHA:
Martha's "Learn
to do Chores Like A Dog,"

for that special, expensive
thing you've been wanting.

It's worth it!

Did you catch all the words
about things

that are authentic
or artificial?

Here's a few of them again.

When one thing resembles
another thing,

that means they look alike.

Authentic means real,
not fake.

When something is artificial,
it means it isn't real.

When something is phony,
it means it's fake.

Done! What do you think?

Looks great!

Just in time
to say goodbye.

What? Already?

See you next time!

or check out your local library

for the Martha Speaks books.