05x06 - Martha's Puppy/The Cheating Chum Caper

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Martha Speaks". Aired: September 1, 2008 - November 18, 2014.*
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A family dog gains the power of speech after the letters in some alphabet soup wind up misrouted to her brain instead of her stomach in this whimsical animated series adapted from books by Susan Meddaugh.
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05x06 - Martha's Puppy/The Cheating Chum Caper

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Martha was an average dog. ♪

♪ She went... and... and... ♪
(barking, growls)

♪ When she ate
some alphabet soup ♪

♪ Then what happened
was bizarre... ♪

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain,
and now...

♪ She's got a lot to say ♪

♪ Now she speaks... ♪

How now, brown cow?

♪ Martha speaks ♪

♪ Yeah, she speaks
and speaks and speaks ♪

♪ And speaks and speaks... ♪

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♪ Martha speaks... ♪

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♪ She's not always right, but
still that Martha speaks... ♪

Hi, there.

♪ She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ Sometimes wrong,
but seldom in doubt ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ That dog's unique... ♪

Testing, one, two.

♪ Hear her speak ♪

♪ Martha speaks and speaks
and speaks and speaks and... ♪

♪ Communicates, enumerates,
elucidates, exaggerates ♪

♪ Indicates and explicates ♪

♪ Bloviates and overstates
and... ♪

(panting)

♪ Hyperventilates. ♪

♪ Martha-- to reiterate--
Martha speaks. ♪

Hi, welcome to the show!

Where did these puppies
come from?

They're part
of today's show.

Hey, that's my shoe!

The puppies are going
to help us explain words

like "demonstrate"
and "skill."

Come back here,
you!

Isn't that cute?

Later in the show,

we'll hear words like "tutor,"
"drill" and "cheat."

So be sure to listen for all
the words about learning,

and we'll see you
at the end of the show.

(ripping)

Hey, no eating my show!

Let's see if
anything new and exciting

is happening today, Skits.

(sniffing)

Nope, this bush smells
the same as yesterday.

Very... bushy.

(faint barking)

(barks questioningly)

Sounds like Kazuo's
in trouble.

Come on!

Hey Kazuo, what's...

Whoa.

(barking)

(gasping)

Martha, Skits.

Thank goodness.

Can you give me a hand?

Thanks, dude.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I was trying to get
the puppies to go in the kennel.

They weren't getting it,
so I thought I'd demonstrate.

(barks questioningly)

When you demonstrate
something,

it means you show
how to do it.

Right, and while
I was demonstrating,

I guess one of them
hit the door.

I might have spent
the night in there.

And who'd feed me?

Who'd change my water?

Thank goodness
you two showed up.

(giggling)

Hello, puppies.

You are so cute, yes you are.

Hey, could you tell them to go
in the kennel with their mom?

Maybe they'll listen to a dog.

You want me to make five puppies
do what I say?

(laughs)

Well, I'll try.

Okay, pups,
you heard what Kazuo said.

In you go. Kennel time.

Go to Mommy.

(barking playfully)

Aren't they the cutest?

Ooh, fun.

And smelly.

Come on, Skits.

(barking happily)

Uh, Martha?

Not helping.

Oh, sorry.

Got a little carried away.

(groans)

Maybe if you demonstrate
going into the kennel,

the puppies will follow you.

Good idea.

Hey, puppies, who's up for a
game of "Follow the Martha?"

Come on.

(puppies barking happily)

Hi, Mom.

Nice puppies.

Got 'em!

Nice demonstrating, Martha.

I'll open the door a little
so you can get out.

That's all right.

I'm going to stay here awhile.

I haven't had this much fun

since I found a moldy old boot
with a rotten egg inside.

Attention everyone, please.

I have a very important
announcement.

I have decided that we need
to get a puppy.

(spitting)

Maybe I should have waited

until you were finished drinking
to say that.

A puppy?

No, no, no.

Puppies are a lot of work,
Martha.

But they're so cute and fun
and squirmy...

And chewy and messy
and breaky.

Remember how much trouble Skits
caused when he was a puppy?

Skits, no!

Skits, no!

Skits, no!

Oh, yeah...

But that's no problem.

We just need to buy
lots of glue.

No more puppies, Martha.

Sorry.

It's just not fair, Skits.

I just want something small

and squirmy and fun
to play with.

Huh?

(babbling)

Oh, you want to
play ball, eh, Jake?

Back at ya.

Good job, Jake.

Fetch the ball.

Wait a minute.

Fetch.

That's it!

Maybe we don't need a new puppy
after all, Skits.

Maybe we have one right here.

(whimpers questioningly)

MARTHA:
Jake!

He loves to play.

He's small and wiggly.

He's a people-puppy
in a way.

We just have to teach him
a couple of puppy tricks

and he'll be as good as a dog.

Do you want to be a puppy, Jake?

A-dee.

That's a yes.

I think.

You're my new puppy.

Give me the ball, puppy.

(growling)

Did you hear that, Skits?

Jakey growled.

His first growl.

Oh, I am so proud!

Come here, you mutt.

(laughing)

I'll teach you
all the dog skills.

Oh, right.

A skill is something
you learn to do well

through lots of practice.

The first skill I'm going
to help you learn is walking.

You see how hard it is
to walk like this?

Whoa!

(laughing)

See?

Much better.

You have four big parts
sticking out of you,

so why not use them all
to walk?

You try it, Jake.

That's it.

It's easy.

(howling)

(imitating howl)

You're going to be
a great puppy pupil.

(babbling)

You sound confused.

If you're confused,
you should go like this:

(whimpers)

(imitates Martha's whimper)

Perfect!

Come on, I'll teach you

everything you need to know,
puppy Jake.

(whimpering confusedly)

Oh, you're still confused.

Do you want to know
what a pupil is?

A pupil is a student.

And right now,
you are my pupil

because I am going
to teach you

everything there is to know
about being a dog.

Got it?

(panting)

What a great pupil!

Come on, Jake.

There's lots more to learn.

(whimpering sadly)

Yes!

MOM:
No!

Jake!

No drinking out
of the doggy bowl.

Woof!

And no barking at Mommy.

Look, he's crawling again
instead of walking.

Oh, dear.

He's starting to regress.

What's wrong?

I better check the Internet.

He's probably just tired.

I'll put him down
for una siesta, a nap.

So I'm guessing "regress"
doesn't mean something good.

Nope.
It means to go backwards,
to get worse.

Jake was walking on two legs,
but now he's crawling again.

He got worse at walking.

He regressed.

I'm not making
Jake regress, Skits.

He's getting better.

Everyone knows a dog
is the best thing to be.

Puppy, you're up!

(babbling)

What a good boy.

Time for more lessons,
puppy pupil.

But we can't let
Mom and Dad see.

They think humans
are better than dogs.

(blows a raspberry)

(blows a raspberry)

Oh, don't do that.

If you have a scratch,
get it with your foot.

Allow me to demonstrate
that skill.

See, legs are stronger,

and you get much better
scratching action.

See?

(laughs)

There you go.

Nice.

(both barking)

(yawning)

Aw, puppies are so cute
when they yawn.

(babbles)

MOM:
Martha, no!

We finally got Jake to stop
licking everything--

the floor, the bathtub, dirt--

and now you've got him
licking again.

He's regressed even more.

This is a big problem.

Remember, honey, no...

(groans)

(giggling)

Jake is doing great.

Tomorrow I'm going to teach him
even more puppy skills.

Because he's my cute little
puppy wuppy, yes he is.

(snoring)

Morning, puppy!

We're going to start off with
a very important lesson today.

I am going to teach you
where humans keep

all their best
smelly stuff.

Follow me.

They keep it right inside
that thing.

Take a look.

Nice and messy,
and oh, so stinky.

(sniffing)

Smells good, huh?

Can you believe humans
get rid of this stuff?

Stinky old food is awesome.

In fact, it's so awesome,
I have to...

Roll in it!

Try it, Jake.

(both howling happily)

MOM and DAD:
Martha!

Uh-oh...

What's going on here?

Jake's rolling in trash

and walking on all fours
and howling.

Are you turning Jake
into a puppy?

(gulps):
Yes.

Well, what a great idea!

Yeah.
Regressing's not so bad.

It looks like Jake
loves it.

(howling)

That fish on his head
is adorable.

Just stay like that, Jake.

I'm going to get
the camera.

Woof! Woof!

My slippers!

Good boy, Jake.

Here's some fresh water for you
in your sippy bowl.

(howling)

Who's a good Jake?

Yes, you are.

His first day of school.

Aw.

I'm so proud
of our puppy son.

Why isn't he getting
on the bus?

(laughing)

Oh, he wanted to chase it.

Que gracioso!

So cute.

I can't believe Jake
flunked out of grade school.

His teacher wouldn't
believe me

when I told her
he ate his own homework.

It's no big deal.

The only English he needs
to know is

"Sit," "stay," "roll over"
and "treat."

Right, Skits?

(barks in agreement)

But now he'll never find a job.

He will just lounge
around the house all day

and bark at the vacuum cleaner.

And I think
he has fleas.

There must be some place
a dog boy could work.

Look, the circus
is in town!

Problem solved.

(barking "Jingle Bells")

Perfecto.

Jake the Dog Boy is
going to be a big hit.

Say goodbye to your family
forever, Jake.

(whimpering)

I guess raising a baby boy
as a dog was a bad idea.

Who knew?

Write us, Jake.

Wait, you don't know
how to write

because you're a dog boy.

This is all my fault.

Stop!

Stop!

Whoa!

Jake!

(babbling)

Hi, Jake, gotta go,
I need to get you back.

Wait a minute.

Jake, you're here!

You joining the circus as
a dog boy was just a dream.

Well, the dog boy part isn't.

(howling)

Yeah, that might kind of
a little be totally my fault.

But I can demonstrate
to my pupil

the correct way
for a boy to act.

With a little help from you.

Because I don't have hands.

ALL:
Uh-uh.

Whoa!

Uh-uh!

(barks)

Ga, ga, ga.

(barks hesitantly)

Ga, ga, ga.

Ga, ga, ga.

Excellent!

(howling)

We'll get there.

There.

He's walking
on two legs again.

He's not regressing
anymore.

And he's not eating his food
on the floor,

and he's talking
normally again.

(babbling)

Well, as normally
as he ever talks.

I learned an important lesson
today.

People should not be puppies.

Of course not.

I knew that.

(barks in agreement)
You did?

You just figured that out now?

What do you want from me?

I'm a dog.

That was fun while it lasted.

You were a good
puppy pupil, Jake.

But there are lots of reasons
you should stay a boy.

Especially this.

That's the spot!

(giggling)

Example.

An example is something
that shows

what a group of things is like.

For instance, this is
an example of a drawing.

What you're seeing
isn't every drawing;

it's just one drawing.

But it shows you
what drawings look like.

This is an example
of a surburban home.

This is an example
of a girl's bedroom.

Shush!

(quietly):
This is an example
of whispering.

This is an example of someone
doing their homework.

Martha, play outside.

This is an example
of unfair treatment

that dogs have to put up with
all the time.

Oh, brother!

HELEN:
"Curious Crystal and Winky
were hot on the trail

"of the town's newest thief,
Robbing Robby.

"But they lost Robby in the yard
of Crystal's buddy, Bobby.

"'Golly,' said Bobby,

"'I hope that meany
isn't hiding in my treehouse.'

'Arf!' said Winky."

"Arf"?

That's all Winky
has to say?

(sighs)

No wonder he's a sidekick.

HELEN:
"But when Curious Crystal
and Winky

"went into Bobby's treehouse,
bars came down, capturing them.

Crystal's Buddy Bobby
was really Robbing Robby."

No way.

I totally saw that coming.

Everyone Curious Crystal knows
is hiding something.

There was
that Guilty Grocer Caper,

the Evil Ear Doctor Caper,

the Sinister
Second Cousin Caper.

You know,
Crystal needs to move.

Her town is crawling
with crooks.

I wonder if someone in our town
is hiding something.

Whoa!

Hang on.

Big jump.

What makes you think people
in this town

are hiding something?

Well, remember when we found out

the guy who does singing
telegrams

was actually the evil
Crooning Crook?

That wasn't me.

Of course not.

I'm just saying that

there might be someone else
with a big secret--

someone right
under our noses.

(gulps)

Maybe it's time for Heroic Helen
to take another look.

Right, sidekick Sparky?

Uh, right?

HELEN:
What a disappointing town.

So far we've seen kids playing,
old people holding hands...

Why can't Wagstaff City
be crime-ridden

like Curious Crystal's town?

Psst!

Oh, I gotta go, uh...

do some dog stuff.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

TEACHER:
As you know by now,
a quiz is a short test

to find out what you've learned.

I'm afraid,
based on yesterday's math quiz,

you haven't learned much.

Except for one student
who did amazingly well.

An A! Wa-hoo!

(class gasps)

If only everyone could be
more like TD.

CAROLINA:
"If only everyone could be
more like TD?"

She said that?

Yup.

He thinks steak grows on trees.

He thinks dinosaurs
played hockey.

I don't know
how he did it.

I do.

It's obvious.

He cheated.

Cheated?

No.

Cheating means
you find out answers

in a way that's not fair.

Exactamente!

Your friend TD is
a big-time cheat.

No way!

He probably just stayed up late
and crammed.

Yeah, sure.

And while he was studying,
maybe he had a midnight snack.

From his steak tree.

He not only has
Mrs. Clusky fooled,

he has you fooled too.

(bushes rustling)

(coughing)

TD?

This is the big secret
you've been looking for.

We'll call it
"The Cheating Chum Caper,"

because TD's cheating
and "chum" means friend.

Those must be the answers
to the quiz.

Ah!

Whoa!

Oh.

It's just a comic book.

Just a comic book?

This is issue one
of The Love Bugs,

the best comic ever.

It looked like it was
a big secret.

Oh, he doesn't want anyone
to know he reads The Love Bugs

because they're
for little kids.

But I think
they're awesome.

They're each
a different color,

and they sing and they dance
and they slide on rainbows.

How cool is that?

Pretty cool.

I think Helen suspects
something.

Wha... what makes you
say that?

The whole weird
"standing in a bush" thing.

What's weird about that?

You stand in bushes
all the time.

Not me, Helen.

She was standing in a bush,
watching me.

That is weird.

She knows, she knows.

I can't do this anymore,
I can't do it!

Not even for...

Hot dogs!

What was I saying, I forget,
take the papers-- hot dogs!

(chomping loudly)

When do we meet again?

(barks)

"Tomorrow," he says.

But he says the price
just went up.

He wants two hot dogs.

Each.

What?

(barking)

He says if you
don't like it,

get another teacher's dog
to help you.

All right, all right.

Two hot dogs each.

All right, Francois,
massage time is over.

I have to go to school.

Ready to patrol the neighborhood
for secrets,

faithful sidekick Sparky?

Hopefully something really evil
is happening today.

Oh, uh, I can't.

I have to do a thing.

At the place.

What place?

Oh, good question.

Um, at the butcher's.

There's...

a new flavor of meat.

Gotta go, bye.

(spy music playing)

Oof!

Oops, sorry TD.

Hot dogs, huh?

Are you having a barbecue?

Oh, uh, they're not for me.

Who are they for?

They're in case
anyone comes over

who likes hot dogs,
and my dad wanted hot dogs,

and hot dogs are just good
to have around for emergencies,

and why don't you believe me
about the hot dogs?!

Gotta go.

Hmm...

She wasn't here at all?

Okay, thanks.

"A new flavor of meat"?

I can't believe
you fell for that.

Martha's lying to you
because she's in on it.

It's "The Cheating Chum
and the Criminal Canine Caper."

Catchy, huh?

Lots of "C's".

No, it must be
a misunderstanding.

Martha would never lie to me.

We're lying,
and Helen knows it.

We're safe.

I gave her all kinds
of different reasons

why I had the hot dogs,
and then I ran away.

That's exactly what someone does
when they're lying.

(panting nervously)

I should never have agreed
to this.

Martha, listen to me.

You've got to hold it together,
at least until next week.

That's the big quiz.

You can't cr*ck on me.

I can't do it, I tell you!

I can't do it!

I have hot dogs.

I can do it.

Hot dogs!

These will taste way better

after I bury them
for a few days.

I don't have to eat every
hot dog right away, right?

(sniffing)

I have to eat every hot dog
right away!

(chomping loudly)

Martha?

Uh-oh.

Where did you get
that hot dog?

(loud gulp)

What hot dog?

See?

No hot dog.

Because you just ate it.

And I talked to Karl.

You were never
at the butcher shop today.

Oh.

I think I hear someone
calling me...

(throwing voice):
Martha, Martha.

Yeah, gotta go, bye.

Hmm...

Remember, everyone,
the big quiz is next week.

Don't try to cram.

Study hard.

Drill.

Yes, Alice?

Does "cram" mean cheat?

No.

When you cram
for a quiz or test,

that means you try to study
everything the night before.

It's like you're trying to shove
everything in your brain

all at once.

It's better to study every day.

Good advice.

(spy music playing)

Ha! Got you.

You're going to...

your own backyard?

(sighs)

(gasps)

Martha and Francois!

HELEN:
Helping TD cheat.

They're ruining their lives,
and all for hot dogs.

The grocer says I eat
way too many hot dogs.

But I did like you said.

Here you go,
plenty for both of you.

And here's the...

(sniffing)

Wait.

All of a sudden,
it smells very Heleny out here.

Caught you, red-pawed.

Run!

Give me those papers!

Martha, where are you?

You don't have to do this.

Okay, let's go.

(sighs)

Hmm...

I can't believe
she saw us.

I can't go home now.

Now I have to go live somewhere
far away and grow a moustache

and act like a boy dog
and change my name to Marty.

Martha, relax.

Helen can't prove anything.

So this is everything
I need to know?

Uh, yeah.

You're gonna ace the final quiz.

Me?

I'll be in the pound,
for life.

(barking)

He says, "Hot dogs, hot dogs,
hot dogs, hot dogs!"

Okay, they're right...

Here.

How could you do this, Martha?

I can't believe you're stealing
quizzes from Mrs. Clusky.

I know, I'm sorry, Helen.

I never...

Wait, stealing quizzes?

Huh?

We're not stealing quizzes.

You're not?

No.

Francois is borrowing
Mrs. Clusky's study guides

so he can tutor TD in math.

With me translating,
of course.

Now wait.

A tutor is someone who teaches
you and helps you learn.

How can Francois teach math?

Mrs. Clusky practices
all her lessons on Francois,

so he's very intelligent.

Francois, what's
the square root of ?

(barks)

Eight?

And what's the distance
to the moon?

(barks)

Approximately , miles,
on average.

See? Great tutor.

But if you're not doing
anything wrong,

why are you being
so secretive?

I didn't want anyone to know

a dog is smarter than me
at math.

See, I blank out
in math class.

To convert a fraction
into a percentage,

you divide the numerator
by the denominator, then...

Lollipop crocodile
underpants.

Skateboard cotton-candy
ox elevator...

TD:
But that day Martha taught
class, I understood.

So I figured out for me,

maybe the secret of learning
math was to have a dog teach me.

And it's working.

Dog tutors rock!

(barking)

So I was right.

You weren't cheating.

I wouldn't give up
so quickly.

"The Cheating Chum" is
a really catchy title.

Ah!

Rude.

I thought you were
my chum.

I gave Francois a thank-you gift
for tutoring me

and helping me get an "A"
on the quiz,

and I have a gift
for Martha, too.

It's...

Apple-chicken sausages!

One, two, three, four,
five of them.

Yay!

I can eat a sausage a day
for five...

(chomping loudly)

(burping)

Oh, those did not last.

Are you sure you know enough
about math?

Pretty sure.

Rats.

The teaching profession
is definitely underpaid.

Well, I have a history test
next week.

How's Francois
with dates and names?

Delicious.

I mean, fantastic.

Hey, come on, let's go study.

Hi! You know, some words
have two meanings.

Take "cram."

When you cram something
into something else,

that means you put in more
than it's meant to hold.

Got it.

(screaming)

But cram also means
to study in a hurry.

It's like you're stuffing
your brain with knowledge.

Whoa!

Ow.

You can also do drills.

Platypus.

When you drill,
you test yourself over and over

until you're sure
you know something.

Platypus...

Platypus.

Of course, there's
another kind of drill.

When your teacher tells you
to drill for a test,

make sure you know
which kind she means

so you don't make this mistake.

(buzzing)

Done.

Remember: choose your
definitions wisely.

And thank you.

Did you catch all the words?

Here are a few of them again.

Oopsie.

When you demonstrate
something,

it means you show
how to do it.

An example is something
that shows

what a group of things is like.

A quiz is a short test to find
out what you've learned.

Cheating means
you find out answers

in a way that's not fair.

That's our show.

Hey, that's mine!

Give me that.

(laughing)

or check out your local library

for the Martha Speaks books.
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