05x10 - Alice Tells a Story/Pirates and Princesses

[bunniefuu]

♪ She went... and... and... ♪
(barking, growls)

♪ When she ate
some alphabet soup ♪

♪ Then what happened
was bizarre... ♪

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain,
and now...

♪ She's got a lot to say ♪

♪ Now she speaks... ♪

How now, brown cow?

♪ Martha speaks ♪

♪ Yeah, she speaks
and speaks and speaks ♪

♪ And speaks and speaks... ♪

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

♪ Martha speaks... ♪

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

♪ She's not always right, but
still that Martha speaks... ♪

Hi, there.

♪ She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ Sometimes wrong,
but seldom in doubt ♪

♪ Martha will tell you
what it's all about ♪

♪ That dog's unique... ♪

Testing, one, two.

♪ Hear her speak ♪

♪ Martha speaks and speaks
and speaks and speaks and... ♪

♪ Communicates, enumerates,
elucidates, exaggerates ♪

♪ Indicates and explicates ♪

♪ Bloviates and overstates
and... ♪

(panting)

♪ Hyperventilates. ♪

♪ Martha-- to reiterate--
Martha speaks. ♪

HELEN:
And finally, Mr. Blaine,
the the school counselor,ts.

found the pizza man
stuck in the dog door.

Mr. Blaine thought
the pizza man

thought he was a dog.

(laughing)

So, anyway,
that's why my dog

doesn't get
to babysit anymore.

The end.

Terrific job, Helen!

Okay, who wants to tell us
a story next?

TD.

Okay.

You guys know
that each year

I wear a costume
to the Hokey Hoedown, right?

ALL:
Mm-hmm.

Well, one year,
I went in a suit

made entirely
out of cotton candy.

(class laughing)

And then I'm like,
"Oh, no!

Birds!"

(screaming)

Help me!

Suddenly I see this canvas flap.

I duck behind it.

Little did I know that I was
right behind the dunk t*nk.

That's the game at the fair
where people throw balls.

If they hit the target,

the mayor falls
in the water.

At that very moment,
someone hits the target

and sploosh!

All this water comes splashing
out in this gigantic tidal wave!

And suddenly my suit turns

into super-industrial-strength
goo glue.

(muffled):
I was frozen like
a giant candy apple.

My parents had to carry me out
like a statue.

Like this.
(laughing)

(laughing)

The end.

(cheers and applause)

Terrific.

Okay, we have time
for one last story.

Oh! Me!

Let me go!

I have a great one.

Alice, let's hear it.

Okay.

This is a great story.

See, I was playing a hockey game

and this envelope full of money
just disappeared

after I ate pizza.

Huh?

And the shelter
was about to close!

I really didn't want a kitten.

I wanted him
even though he was mean.

(meowing)

I don't get a word of this,
but I love it.

I mean, the kitten wasn't mean,
Nelson was mean.

ALL:
Oh!

And it's all because
I got a B-plus in math.

The end.

Um, thank you, Alice.

Oh!

I forgot to say
I got the money

from my grandmother
because I had bad grades.

Um...

But they got better.

And Martha helped me out.

And we won the hockey game, too.

And...

Alice?

I think maybe the class
is having a hard time

comprehending your story.

Not only that, but
I don't understand it.

That's what
"comprehend" means.

When you comprehend
something,

that means you
understand it.

Look, don't worry
about it.

Just think it over and
tell it again tomorrow.

We'd all love to hear it.

Maybe Helen
can work with you

to help you edit
the story a little.

I don't want to tell
my story again tomorrow.

Oh, come on.
Why not?

It's going to be
so embarrassing.

I don't have stories
about a cotton candy suit

or my funny talking dog.

You've been telling
stories about me?

All I have is
my boring story

about how we got Nelson.

Ooh!

A horror story!

That's what your
story was about?

Getting Nelson?

I thought it was
about hockey.

I thought it was
about pizza money.

(sighs)

I love that story.

What part was hard
to comprehend?

The whole thing, Grandma.

I didn't tell it
right or something.

Well, it's very simple.

Your math grades were lousy.

We didn't think they'd
get better...

Mm-hmm.

And then you
saw that cat,

but I didn't give you
the money yet.

And then I did and
some dog took it.

Well, I suppose we should
have stopped for pizza,

but the game
was so exciting!

And then we were late,
which was really just as well

because he's more like
Ronald, don't you think?

I guess it runs
in the family.

(horn honks)

Maybe I'll pretend
to be sick tomorrow.

Maybe I'll pretend
to be sick

for the rest of my life.

Come on.

Your story will be great.

You just need
to figure out the order.

You can order homework?

Why didn't anyone
tell me about this?

(imitating button sounds)

Hello?

I'd like to order
some geometry,

an English paper
and some grammar on the side.

No, not order
like when you order pizza.

I meant order
like when you put things

first, next and last.

Like instead of going
three, one, two,

you put the numbers
in order:

one, two, three.

But I did that, right?

No!
No!

You just have
to keep it simple.

Tell the story
in the order it happened.

Like, what did you do
when you got up this morning?

The usual.

Went to school,
had breakfast,

put on my shoes,
took a shower.

We have our work
cut out for us.

Oh, wait--
I forgot a part.

That's okay,
that's okay.

I think I can help you.

First, write one detail
that you remember

on each note card.

Try to remember
everything that happened.

Uh...

Done!

Okay, next take the cards
and put them in the order

they happened in.

Done.

Now what?

The next step is to tell
the story in order.

Okay.

This is a story about
how I got my cat Nelson.

(yawning)

It all started because
of my bad grades

in math class.

Then my grandma offered
to give me money

if my grades got better.

Really?

I could buy
anything I want?

Mm-hmm.

ALICE:
I knew exactly what I wanted.

A kitten!

Oh, you are so cute!

The shelter had
so many of them!

The first one was all white
with blue eyes.

And they had
a little black one.

And one was really,
really fluffy.

Who is a good kitty?
Who's a good kitty?

And another one had these
little freckles on his belly.

And one had these
little crossed eyes.

Oh, and one...

Um, excuse me, Alice.

How many of those cards
are about kittens?

That might be
too many kittens.

You think?

I think you need to edit
that part of the story.

Does edit mean
to cut things out?

When you edit
what you're writing,

you try to make
it better.

And sometimes editing
does mean cutting things out

to make the story better.

Well, I think
it would be better

without so many cats.

But I can't cut them out.

They're all so cute.

True, but they're
also sort of a tangent

from your story.

They don't really have
anything to do with it either.

I thought this was supposed
to be about Nelson, right?

(grumbles)

Oops, my bad.

That's what
I'm saying.

No.

You started talking about
a tangerine or something.

A tangent.

A tangent is something
that's sort of connected

to what you were saying, but
it's really a different subject.

Huh?
Huh?

It's like your story is...

biking down this main road,
and suddenly,

it turns onto this
itty-bitty side road

and gets lost over there.

There's a word for that?

Wow!

My brain goes off on
tangents all the time.

It goes over there,
and it goes over there.

I'm talking about dinosaurs,
and then I'm on cranes,

and woo, woo, woo,
and I think,

"How did I get on that?"

Sorry.

Went off on a tangent.

Let's get back
to the main theme

of your story:
Nelson.

Oh, okay.

Well, I was playing
with all these kittens...

And then I saw Nelson.

His fur was a little dirty,

and his ears
were a little matted.

And you know, he was older,

so no one was paying
any attention to him.

You could tell
he was giving up.

He thought no one
would ever adopt him.

Hey, there, big guy.

(chomp)
Yeow!

And they probably wouldn't have
because he was so mean.

It made me feel
so sorry for him.

I want that one.

I don't think Kazuo could quite
comprehend my decision.

After that, I went home
and studied really hard.

"How many people were left
on the bus?"

Three people got on...

two got off
at the first stop,

and one got off
at the next three stops...

equals... ?

Yes!

(gasps)

After I got my test back,
my grandma gave me the money.

But I couldn't go
to the shelter right away

because first I had
this hockey game.

Bring it on!

I was planning to go
straight to the shelter

after the game...

but then we won!

Everyone was so excited.

We all went out for pizza
afterwards to celebrate.

The pizza was dripping
everywhere.

I need a napkin.

So I put my pizza on my money
envelope and went inside.

(sniffling)

(growls)

(barking)

All of a sudden,
I heard Martha barking.

(barking)

MARTHA:
Yeah, I wasn't talking yet.

(sighs)

I remember those days.

So many things to say;
no one to say them to.

It was really...

Martha.

Sorry,
went on a tangent.

Back to the story.

I was barking.

Mm-hmm.

(barking)

Martha!
Quiet!

(barking)

My money!

(barking)

I think Martha knows
where it went.

(barking)

ALICE:
Just then...

(grunts)

I'm so sorry!

Are you okay?

Fine.

Huh?

(Martha barking)

ALICE:
Stop!

Stop that money!

For some reason,
I was suddenly very popular

with the neighborhood dogs.

(barking)

Meanwhile, at the shelter...

(whistling)

Whoa!

Pops?

(barking)

Martha?!

Stop that dog!

What's going on?

(cries out)

(barking)

(groans)

Got it!

Cut it out!

(laughing):
Stop!

That tickles.

Do I smell... pizza?

Am I too late?

That's how I got Nelson.

(cheers and applause)

Wonderful!

(applause)

Great story.

Really?

(blows nose)

Loved it.

(grumbles)

I didn't know
what she was going

to do with the money! Honest!

I'm the one
who Lady Alice!

Lady Helen!

I have-eth the royal
hairbrush and comb.

I have-eth the royal teacups.

I've got the teapot.

(clears throat)

Have-eth.

I have-eth it.

Let us not forget-eth
the cookies!

Ooh!

Time-eth for another game-eth
of Princess-eth?

Verily.

The tree house make-eth
the perfect castle.

(gasps)

(chews loudly)

Yummy-eth.

TRUMAN (in pirate voice):
Thar she blows!

Uh-oh.

Looks like the
castle is occupied.

Argh!

Oops.

Argh.

It's the great white whale!

Where?

Hey!

Hoist the sail!

Swab the deck!

Hey!

Get out of our castle!

It's our castillo.

Argh!

Sea witch at starboard.

Rest easy, matey.

Our pirate ship
is protected

by yon dog-shark.

Scram!

(barks)

Vamoose!

Out!

Argh!

Our dog-shark was no match
for her evil powers.

Shiver me timbers!

Oh, I'll shiver them,
all right.

Sorry, TD.

Can you guys play pirates
somewhere else?

We were just about to play
princesses.

Hey! No fair!

Yeah.

We were here first.

But it's my tree house.

Yeah.

But you told me I could
use it to play pirates.

I did?

When?

Uh... remember when
you got laryngitis?

And I brought you soup?

And you said you
were so grateful,

and I could use
the tree house

to play pirates
whenever I wanted

for as long as I wanted,
forever until the end of time.

I don't remember
saying that.

Don't try to get
out of it.

You signed this contract.

Fascinating as it is,

we are not buying
your narrative.

Narrative?

Is that a word
that means a story?

Correcto.

A narrative
is a story.

Or an account.

A sequence of events.

A farfetched yarn,

and we're not buying
any of them, buster.

Why not?

Because that paper
is blank.

Uh...

It just looks
like it's blank

because it's written
in invisible ink!

No, it isn't.

No, it isn't.

But come on!

Let us use your tree house.

Please, please,
please, please, please.

Yeah.

We don't have anywhere else
that works nearly as well.

I know!

You guys play
pirates with us.

It's super fun.

I doubt it.

Shh!
How does it work?

Yeah, tell us
the scenario.

All right-io.

I will-io.

Excuse-mio.

What's a scenario?

A scenario is something
that tells you the way

a story might happen.

Got it.

Allow me.

In pirates,
the scenario is this:

the tree is the ship

and the tree house
is the crow's nest.

The ground is the ocean.

And it's guarded
by a fierce dog-shark.

(barks)

Is that a steak?

(barks)

TRUMAN:
In order to win at Pirates,

you have to run from the tree
to the back steps

without the shark touching you.

(barking)

(laughs)

(barks)

(panting)

Aw, rats!

TRUMAN:
If the shark touches you,
you're dead.

(groans)

(barks)

TRUMAN:
And then the dead person
becomes a shark, too.

(barking)

TD:
Whoever is the last pirate
living, wins!

TRUMAN:
Which doesn't really make sense
when only two guys are playing.

But if you guys played too,
it'd be super fun.

And super sharky!

Aye, no!

Princesses is a much
better game.

Maybe you guys would want
to play that with us?

Are you kidding?
How does it work?

It's like this.

We're all princesses.

(groans)

But you guys
could be knights.

We have long,
long, beautiful hair.

We brush our hair times.

, , .

ALICE:
And then we have tea.

MARTHA:
And cookies.

Don't forget the cookies!

And then what?

What more do you need?

Doesn't anybody
ever do anything?

We're princesas.

We don't have
to "do" anything.

Whoa!

Yeah.

Other people
do things for us.

We say "-eth" a lot.

It makes you sound
all medieval and stuff.

Uh-huh.

What if we came up
with a new game

that everyone
wanted to play?

Why?

We've already got
the perfect game.

Oh, I don't know.

Princesses aren't
really my thing.

I've got an exciting
game narrative!

I've been working on it
for several weeks now.

You have?!

Pirates aren't
really my thing.

It's a bit complicated,
so I'll just give you

a quick summary
of the narrative.

Summery?

I love things
that are summery!

Yeah!

Summer's my
favorite season.

Not summ-ER-y,
like the season.

Summ-AR-y, like a short review
of what happened.

If you give a summary,
it means you just tell

the most important parts
of the story.

ALL:
Oh.

So, to summarize,
this tree house is the Sun,

the ground below represents
our solar system.

Each kid is a planet.

We'll position ourselves
around the Sun,

which is the tree house.

Substituting inches for miles,

you should be four feet
from the Sun, Mercury.

Gentlemen!

Start your orbits!

Everyone will walk in circles
around the tree

while also revolving.

Don't forget your moons, people!

Whoa!

(grunts)

Boring!

Not once you
add asteroids.

They knock into planets
and blow them up.

ALICE:
Yeah!

Only if the planet
touches the back step

before the asteroid gets them,
then they're safe.

There are no back steps
in space!

That's not how
the universe works!

No.

But it should be.

(imitating explosions)

I have a game.

There's no spinning involved
in the narrative.

(groans)

And it's got a great theme!

Who cares about
the theme?

What's it about?

That's what "theme" means:

a theme is an important
idea in a story.

It's sort of like
the main thing

the story is about.

Oh.

Shh!

My game is called
Beauty Shop.

The tree is
the beauty parlor.

Someone pretends
to wash your hair.

(imitates running water)

Imagine that's the water sound.

And then someone pretends
to cut your hair.

And pretends to dry it.

Imagine that's the blow drier.

(imitates nail filing)

You even get
a pretend manicure.

(snoring)

Huh?

What are you doing?

Pretending we have d*ed
of boredom.

Let's see you come up
with a better game.

Gladly.

It's called Alien Invasion.

Imagine the tree house
is our space station.

(imitating
beeping control buttons)

One of us has secretly been
infected with an alien.

(sneezes)

The alien bursts out
and infects other people.

You try to get to the back
step, which is Earth,

before the alien tags you.

If he tags you,
then you become

an infected alien, too.

That sounds
exactly like Pirates.

That's what makes
it so good!

Oh, hey, hey, hey,
hey, I have a game.

You want me to give you
a summary?

No.
Shh!

Sure.

It's called "Bone, Bone,
Who Has the Bone?"

Each of you has a dog treat
in your hand.

And I sniff them out,
and you feed them to me.

The scenario sounds
suspiciously

like "Give the dog a biscuit."

(all agreeing)

If it ain't broke...

My game is better.
That's so lame!

Wait!

I think I have a solution
that will make everyone happy.

(groaning)

Here we go...

She's going to suggest
some touchy-feely thing

like we share.

Or take turns playing
each other's games.

Mmm... Not quite.

It'll go like this...

Hoist the mainsail!

Batten the hatches!

The Royal Highnesses
Helen, Alice and Carolina

request-eth permission
to come aboard-eth.

Aye, aye!

Our trained dog-shark
will swim you over

in our rowboat.

(grunting)

It was nice of you pirates
to invite us for tea.

Yes.

But their hair is a mess.

It should be styled.

(imitating running water)

(sneezes)

(all scream)

(yelling)

(gasps):
Oh, no!

Alice has been
infected with an alien.

Quick!

To the space pods!

We've got to get
back to Earth.

Space pods?

Earth?
You mean...

That's right.

This isn't just
any old pirate boat.

It's a pirate boat
space ship.

Our only hope is to make it
through the solar system

and back to Earth
before the alien.

There's Saturn.

Only more miles to go.

The alien is chasing us!

Activate warp speed.

(spokes flapping)

We made it!

Oh, no!

It's still coming!

(gasps):
Look!

An asteroid!

(yells)

(barks)

I've been hit!

(yells)

(imitates expl*si*n)

Well, the alien
may have been evil,

but her dog treats
were very tasty.

That was fun!
Let's do it again.

That was
a great idea.

Because we're all playing well
together and sharing?

Y... No.

Because I get to eat a lot
of dog treats.

Good evening, I'm Carolina.

or check out your local library

for the Martha Speaks books.