01x03 - Jinxed/Officer Mikey

[bunniefuu]

[school bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oof!

Ah!

[fizzing]

[burps]

Look, it's very simple.

Kids rules is kids rules,

and they can't be broken ever.

But it was a bad trade,
a moment of weakness.

I don't even play the harmonica,

and I gave Barry my favorite lizard.

Hey, little fella, wanna play?

-[chomp]
-Ah! My nose! My nose! My nose!

Forget it, man.
You can't get back your lizard.

It'd make you a taker-backer
and that's against the code.

The what?

The kids' unwritten code of honor.
Where ya been, man?

Uh...

Look, Gus, what would you do
if you knew some kid

who went around stepping
on cracks all the time?

Well, I'd-I'd tell him to stop.

Right. How about a kid
who never held his breath

when he went past a cemetery?

I'd say he was crazy.

Exactly, and this is the same thing,
like never taking cuts in line

and only double-daring a kid
after he's dared you first.

They're all part of the code.

It's what separates us from the animals.

And from the adults.
If we kids didn't have the code,

what would we be?

Uh, adult animals?

Nothing, that's what.

Wow. I had no idea it was so important.

Well, it is, so learn
how to play the harmonica, Gus.

[plays two quick notes]

And promise us one thing.

You never even think
of doing something like that again.

Oh, I won't, believe me.

I'll stick to the kids' unwritten code
of honor no matter what.

Oh. This gives me a brilliant
and, like, diabolical idea.

So what do you wanna do, Ashley T.?

I don't know, Ashley B.
What do you wanna do?

I know. Let's spread a rumor
about the Swinger Girl.

Oh! Really, Ashley Q.,
that is, like, so last week.

[sighs] What a boring recess.

Hey, Ashleys, listen up.

[whispers]

[all] Oh, scandalous.

[laughter]

-[slurping]
-Come on, Gus, we can't wait all day.

Ahh. Man, that's good water.

[burps]

We'll meet you over
by the jungle gym, OK, Gus?

-OK.
-[slurping]

Ahh. I don't think
I could take one more drop.

[burps]

Your turn, kid.

-[stammers]
-Hey!

Hi, Gus. What'cha doin'?

Oh, nothing. Just, you know,
trying to get a drink.

Oh, what's this?

Hey, give that back!

[plays a couple notes] What do you, like,
call this thing, Gus?

I said give it! It's mine!

Whatever, Gus,
but first, you got to tell us what it is.

It's my harmonica.

[all] Your what?

It's my...

[all] Harmonica!

Jinx!

[laughter]

♪ you can't talk, you can't talk ♪

Uh-uh-uh.

It's part of the kids' unwritten code
of honor.

You said something the same time we did,
and we called jinx.

Now you can't talk
till someone says your name.

Hey, if we didn't have the code,
what would we be?

[laughter]

[laughter]

That was so...

[all] Scandalous!

And the fun's just beginning.

What do you mean, Ashley A.?

Well, think about it, Ashley B.,

if we can keep his little friends
from saying his name

and stop everyone else
from saying it, too,

little Gussey will never talk again.

You are so bad, Ashley A.

Like, thank you, Ashley B.

[laughter]

-What's he doing?
-I have no idea.

I believe he's trying to communicate.

I... no... eat?

Come on, man, spit it out.

What are you trying to say, G-- Ow!

Like, watch where you're going, Spinelli.

What are you talking about?
You slammed into me.

-As if.
-You did, too!

-Did not!
-Did too!

-[Ashley Q.] Did not!
-[Spinelli] Did too!

-Did too! Did too! Did too!
-Did not! Did not! Did not!

-Did too! Did too!
-Did not! Did not!

-Did too! Did too!
-Did not! Did not!

-Did too! Did too!
-Did not! Did not!

-[yelling]
-Hey, kindergartners!

Want some candy?

[all] Candy! Candy! Candy!

Candy! Candy! Candy!

-[Spinelli] Did too! Did too!
-[Ashley Q.] Did not! Did not!

[rumbling]

-Did t--!
-[kindergartners] Candy! Candy! Candy!

Stampede!

[yelling]

What's with that guy today?

What do you mean today?
He's always whacked out.

Is not!

-Is too!
-Is not!

-Is too!
-Is not!

Oof!

And just where do you think
you're going with my notebook?

Hey, I'm talking to you, fourth grader.

Oh, a smart guy, huh?
Well, let's just go see

what the king has to say about it.

-Is not! Is not!
-Is too! Is too!

[kid] Did you guys see what happened?
That Gus kid stood up to a sixth grader,

and now they're taking him to King Bob.

That doesn't sound like Gus.

Come on!

[laughter]

And then after I caught
the little weasel red-handed,

he wouldn't even apologize.

What do you have to say
for yourself, fourth grader?

What's all this jumping around
and pointing stuff?

That's all he does, Your Highness.

Talk, fourth grader! Talk!

I order you to talk.

Ugh! There's only one punishment
for this kind of insolence.

Guards, take him... to the wheel.

[children] Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster!

[laughter]

It's so brave the way
he takes it all in silence.

[children] Faster! Faster!

We gotta stop this!

Leave our friend alone!

-Get out of here!
-[Spinelli] Ow!

[Finster] Hey!
What are you kids doing over there?

It's the Finster! Run!

-[clinking]
-What's your story, boy?

Oh, a troublemaker, huh?
Fine. You're coming with me.

But, Miss Finster, it's not his fault.

Let him tell it to the principal!

[Ashleys laugh]

[all] Scandalous!

[laughter]

[crowd whispers]

Talk, you little munchkin! Talk!

I told you, sir. He's a troublemaker.
A real troublemaker.

I say we throw him
in detention till he's !

Now, now, Miss Finster,

there's more than one way
to skin a kid. Watch and learn.

Candy, son?

You children, you like candy, don't you?

So, what's your name?

[gulps]

Whose class are you in?

Seen any good movies lately?

Speak, you little...

I've heard of children like him...

rebellious youth who want nothing more
than to foment unrest.

If this gets out of hand,
and the superintendent hears about it,

who knows how it could affect
my promotion possibilities?

There's only one thing to do.

Miss Lemon, get me district headquarters.

[gasping]

[laughter]

[crowd whispers]

Come on, Ashleys. Let's, like,
find another window.

[martial music playing]

[German accent] Come.
Let's go see the no-talker.

Why don't you speak, little boy?

Are you unhappy? Do you have a tummyache?

[sighs]

Can't you see he's mocking you?

He won't tell us his name.
He won't tell us who his parents are.

He's a bad egg-- A bad egg, I say.

Don't worry, Prickly.
Once we take him downtown,

he'll talk one way or another.

[gulps]

[laughter]

Scandalous!

Who would have thought
that one little jinx

could be so much fun?

Come on, let's see how long
we can keep it going.

[laughter]

So that's it! The Ashleys jinxed him.

Cruel fiends!

Come on!
We've got to get to Gus and say his name

before it's too late!

[lock opening]

[crowd whispering]

[outlaw music playing]

-He's a kook.
-He's a rebel!

He's a man-- All man.

[the g*ng] Gus! Gus!

Gus!

Let's try the other door.

OK, move aside. Move aside.

[kid] We'll never forget you, quiet boy.

[all] Quiet Boy! Quiet Boy! Quiet Boy!

Sorry I hogged all the water, quiet boy.

Hold me, Eddie.

-Get in, kid.
-[children] Quiet boy!

[Gretchen] Guys, look!

They're taking him away!

Not if I can help it.

-[blows]
-[PA system reverberates]

[T.J.] Now, hear this!

Now, hear this!

Gus Griswald has been jinxed!

I repeat--

[slowly] Gus Griswald has been jinxed!

Thank you.

I didn't think anyone
would ever say my name.

Well, what do you know?
Another jinxed kid.

That's the third one this week.

Let him go, Fred.

What? That's it? He's completely disrupted
my entire school,

and you people
are just gonna let him go?

Hey, lighten up, Prickly.

Yeah, it's part
of the kids' unwritten code of honor.

Come on, Fred, I'll buy you a...

[both] Doughnut.

-Jinx!
-[laughter]

This is ridiculous.

[mutters]

You mean, you did this all
because you were jinxed?

Yeah, kind of dumb, wasn't it?

Dumb? No, it was cool.

You're an even bigger hero
than we thought!

[children] Jinx boy! Jinx boy!

Jinx boy! Jinx boy!

You know, for a timid guy,

that Gus sure knows
what being a kid's all about.

-[the Ashleys laugh]
-[Ashley A.] Well, someone was, like,

bound to say his name sooner or later,

but it was fun while it lasted.

Yeah, let see if we can do
something like that every recess.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Definitely.

Hey, you, Ashleys!

One of you dropped five bucks?

[Ashleys] Oh...

[all] Scandalous! Jinx!

[laughing]

[Brad] The few, the proud, the chosen.

We are the safety rangers
of the Third Street School,

and we're looking for a few good kids.

I'm looking for a few good spitballs
to sh**t at this dweeb.

The question is, are any of you prepared
to accept the challenge?

[yawns]

To wear the orange belt of honor?

To hold high the sacred sign of safety?

And, finally, to live
by the ancient bylaws

of the safety rangers?

[snaps] I'd like to conclude
with a moving slide presentation

of last year's safety ranger
graduation ceremony.

Could someone get the lights?

I will!

Oof.

[crash]

[laughing]

Oops. Sorry.

Imbecile.

[Spinelli] One BLT on pita going once,
going twice,

and sold to the gawky kid with braces

for a partially squished grilled cheese
and potato chips.

[martial music playing]

[T.J.] Mikey? Mikey?

-Uh? Wha-- Wha?
-You OK, man?

There was a double chocolate brownie
up for trade

and you didn't even put in a bid.

Oh, well, it's just a brownie.

[all] Just a brownie?

. , seems normal. Pulse is good.

I'm OK.
It's just that ever since captain Brad

came to our class this morning,

all I can think about is them.

You mean how dumb they look
in their goofy uniforms?

No, I mean how much I wanna wear
one of those goofy uniforms.

You mean,
you wanna be a safety ranger? Why?

Because if I was a safety ranger,

everything would be different.

I wouldn't be just Mikey.

I would be Mikey the safety ranger.

I'd wear the uniform
of all the great safety rangers

who came before me.

-[whistles]
-I'd learn the secret hand signs.

I'd be the last line
of defense between humanity

and the evils of technology.

[children] Mikey, you're our hero!
You're the best!

Children everywhere
would love and adore me.

[sound of incoming vehicle]

Oh!

[screeching]

-And animals, too.
-[quacking]

It's my dream, guys, to protect and serve,

to be respected by all mankind.

But who am I kidding?

It's just a fantasy. They'd never take me.

What are you talking about, Mikey?

You heard Captain Brad,
they're looking for a few good kids.

Nah. To be a safety ranger,
you gotta be cut from a special cloth.

Hey, you're cut from a special cloth.

-I am?
-Sure. Honest, loyal, hard-working,

-you're the perfect candidate.
-Really?

Of course. Captain Brad will be thrilled
you wanna join up.

Why, I can hear him now.

[laughter]

You, a safety ranger?

You couldn't even cross
your own legs without tripping!

-[laughter]
-So is that a maybe?

That's a never.

Just look at what you've done
to Safety Stan.

He'll never be the same.

Hey, pal, it's his dream.

Hey, I know you.
You're that jaywalking punk anarchist.

Why, I ought to--

Don't worry, Spinelli.
He doesn't have the right

to say who's in and who's not.

Oh, I don't, do I?

Well, let me just show you something,
baby boy.

You see this?
It's the Official Safety Rangers Handbook,

and according to this, I'm the guy

who hands out the orange belts,
and I'm the guy who decides

which kid stands on which corner.

And I'm the guy who gets to approve
of who's in and who's out.

And since this isn't the Future Dorks
of America Club,

fat boy here is definitely out.

Now if you'll excuse us,

we got our morning drills to finish up.

Let's go, grunts! Come on!

Hup two, three, four!
Hup two, three, four!

Hey, forget about that jerk, Mikey.

Yeah, it's his loss.

Thanks, guys. I know you're trying
to make me feel better,

but it's no use.

Being a safety ranger
is the only thing I ever wanted,

and now it looks like my dream
will never come true.

[sad music playing]

[kid] Hey, Mikey! I'll trade you
my Nutty-O's for your Winger-dinger.

[Mikey] Here, just take them.
Take the whole thing.

Man, I've never seen him like this before.

Yeah, I wish there was something
we could do to help him.

Like what? If that jerk Brad
says that Mikey can't be a safety ranger,

then Mikey can't be a safety ranger.

[Gretchen] Not necessarily.

[T.J.] Hey,
where did you get that handbook?

Boosted it off Captain Kook.

No one calls Spinelli
a jaywalking punk anarchist.

Gee, you ought to give that back.

OK, but I'm keeping the watch.
It's quartz.

[Gretchen] The point is,
according to rule number -J,

the captain gets to pick
who's in and who's out,

but, according to amendment -K,
and I quote,

"The captain may be overruled
if a potential recruit

Is personally sponsored
by two other guards."

Great! But out of that g*ng
of safety ranger robots,

where are we gonna find
two guards who stand up to Brad?

I think I might know just the guys.

[martial music playing]

[Brad] Move it, you babies!

My grandmother can march better than that.

You make me sick. Move it! Move it!

-More nuts?
-Whipped cream?

And tell us if that hot fudge
starts to cool off.

Nothing worse than cool hot fudge.

No, no, everything's great.

Yeah, it's real nice of you guys
to treat us to all this stuff.

Hey, you guys deserve it,
standing out on those corners all day,

crossing kids back, forth,
and back and forth.

And speaking of corners,

we know a guy who'd love
to be a crossing guard.

[Cal] Oh, yeah? Who's that?

[Gus] Our pal Mikey.

You guys are kidding, right?

Do you have any idea

how mad Captain Brad
would be if we went around him?

Come on, you guys, this is Mikey's dream.

Hey, we got a dream, too, you know?

But you don't see anybody
going out on a limb for us.

Well... suppose
we could make your dream come true,

then would you help us?

Well...

OK, you got yourself a deal.

Great. By the way, what is your dream?

To sing the national anthem...

Over the school PA...

At the weekly flag-raising ceremony.

-We're doomed.
-Not necessarily.

So, Menlo, you help Miss Lemon
with the flag ceremony every week, right?

Yes, that's correct.

And as her helper--

I'm not her helper, I'm her aide.

Right, right. and as her aide,
you get to see the list

of who gets to sing
the national anthem, right?

Naturally. Behind the yellow line, please.

The counter area
is for office personnel only.

Well, what if next week
Cal and Ronnie's name

just happen to appear on the list?

Have you lost your mind?
It's alphabetical order only.

If Miss Lemon ever found out I did that,

she'd take away
my filing privileges for life.

Look, Menlo,
this is really important to us.

You do this for us,

and we'll do something for you.

Depends on what.

Anything. Just tell us what you want
and we'll take care of it.

I want to carry Ashley A.'s books home
for her after school.

She's different from the other Ashleys.

That hair, the way her name sounds,
"Ashley A."

First in filing, first in my heart.

Well, goodbye and good luck.

[T.J.] Just a second.

This may be doable.

All I have to do is let him carry my books

from the playground
to the corner of my street?

-That's all.
-And I could cover them with plastic

so he didn't actually touch them?

We'd be happy to wrap them ourselves.

Well, then, the answer is... no.

[laughter]

Come on, Ashley A.,
haven't you ever had something

that you really wanted
but you couldn't have?

[Ashleys] As if!

Look, there is nothing we want
that we don't have.

Oh, my gosh, a snail!

[Ashleys] Ew!

OK, here's the deal.
There's nothing I want,

but there is something I need.

My little sister Brittany stole my diary.

She could blackmail me forever
with just pages five through eight.

You guys get it back,

and I'll let that disgusting Menlo
carry my books.

One little diary? Piece of cake.

Where is your sister anyway?

[yelling]

[Vince] I can't believe
Ashley A.'s sister's a kindergartner.

Well, she is. And we gotta do it.

[sighs] Mikey better appreciate this.

[laughter and yelling]

[Spinelli] I come from the land
of the big kids who ride -wheelers.

I seek a formal sit-down

with she who goes by the name Brittany.

Uh, Brittany A.

Brittany A., you have taken
your big sister's writing book

and we say you have to give it back.

We'll give you candy.

We'll give you money.

Aw, we'll give you anything you want.

Diary very valuable. Has big price tag.

Brittany A. has big dream.

She wants what?

For just once, Your Highness.

Yeah! Every little kid wants to sit

in a big kid's chair
at some time or another.

Yeah, but on my throne?

Please, oh, great King Bob, sir,

grant us this one request,
and we'll never bother you again.

Take them to the dodgeball wall!

But, Your Highness, it's Mikey's dream
to be a safety ranger.

[Spinelli] Come one, Bob,

even you must have had a dream
at some time in your life.

What? King bob have a dream?

That's ridiculous. That's crazy. That's--

[King Bob] Henchmen, leave us.

-But, Your Highness--
-Amscray!

You're right, fourth grader.

Even I, the great King Bob, have a dream.

Once, just once,
I wish there was somebody

who liked me for what I am on the inside,

not for my royal title,

someone who'll look past the crown
and the jersey

and see just plain Bob,
the regular kid I am underneath.

I'd give you guys anything, anything,

If you could just give me a real friend.

Well, might as well

get this dodgeball
punishment thing over with.

Actually, there might be a way.

-[dog yipping]
-[laughter]

[barking]

[Cal and Ronnie, off-key]
♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light? ♪

-[groans]
-♪ What so proud... ♪

[cheering]

[honking horn]

-Good work, Mikey.
-Good job.

-Congratulations.
-Way to go.

[T.J.] you know,
that was a good thing we did,

making Mikey's dream come true.

Actually, when you think about it,
we made a lot of kids' dreams come true.

[Gus] But best of all, we helped a pal.

What the...

[chomps]

Mikey, what are you doing here?

Eating. Want a winger-dinger?

But you're supposed to be outside
helping little kids cross the street.

-Oh, yeah, that. I quit.
-[all] What?

I guess I just wasn't cut
from the cloth after all.

Not cut from the cloth?

But, Mikey, you didn't even do it
one whole day.

And what a rotten day it was.

First, I had to get up early
and miss breakfast,

then it started to rain,
and when I tried to stop some kids

from skateboarding in the streets,

they spat at me.

But it was your dream!

Not anymore.

Now I got a new dream,
to be a jet pilot.

See how these guys
fly around in the clouds,

soaring and diving and...

Hey, where did everybody go?