01x05 - King Gus/Big Brother Chad

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Whoa!

Ah!

Urp!

The portents are grave, your majesty.

[strained voice] It must be some mistake.

-The soup never lies.
-Why do these things happen to me? Why?

Your majesty, it's only a tonsillectomy.

There's no reason to be scared.

Scared? I'm not scared! Ow!

I mean, for myself.

But look at them.

What will they do when I'm gone?

What we need is someone
to take your place.

Take my place?

Just temporarily, oh great king Bob.

Only till your recovery,
you know like a substitute king.

A substitute king? Yes.

Yes, it's perfect! But who?

How about Eric? He's strong.

Maybe too strong.

Or Susan. She's smart.

Maybe too smart.

I need someone who will do what he's told,

someone who won't think for himself.

Someone like...

Him.

[both] Him?

Him.

Dang gum!
Why do they have to make it so sticky?

Whaa!

But I didn't do anything!
Please let me go!

Here's my milk money,
I know it's not a lot, but it's all I got.

Silence! It is my decree
that from now until Thursday,

You are to be...

-King.
-No, please, you can't! I beg of -- king?

Wow! This is great!

We'll finally have some say
in what goes on around here!

Yeah, the sixth graders won't be able
to push us around, anymore.

We'll be calling the sh*ts for a change.

But, you guys, I'm not cut out to be king.

Something's bound to go wrong.

Oh, it's going to be the Christmas
pageant all over again.

Don't worry, Gus, the odds
of another exploding eggnog incident,

are practically... actually, never mind.

Oh, how many times must I be humiliated?

Gus, Gus, Gus,
you're looking at this all wrong.

-I am?
-Sure.

Being king is the easiest thing
in the world.

All you gotta do is sit on top
of the monkey bars,

and, well, be king.

-There's nothing to it.
-Really?

Of course, and if there's anything
you don't know, you can just ask us.

So we'll be with you,
every step of the way, man.

Wow, thanks, guys.

Oh, boy, this is going to be great.

Do you, um...

-Gus.
-Right, right, Gus.

Do you, Gus, swear to be a good temporary,
for a few days only king,

until the joyful day of my return?

I do.

Then I hereby confer upon you,

the holy scepter of power.

The most high imperial crown,

and the royal plastic ring.

With these symbols of authority,
I vest in you--

What about the cape?

Ah, fine. Here's the cape.

Anyway, with these symbols of authority,

and grandeur of kingship,

I invest in you--

[car horn honks]

[woman] Bobby, time to go, honey!

You're king, so don't screw it up.

Your majesty.

Your throne awaits.

[gulp]

[children cheer]

That was beautiful.

Come on, let's go congratulate him.

Yeah, and get in on all that royal booty.

And just where do you fourth graders
think you're going?

We're just going to say hi to Gus.

That's King Gus to you.

We knew him before he was royalty.

So now you think,
you can just waltz on up there,

and have a chat with your majesty,
any time you please?

-Ah...
-Sorry, kid. It might set a precedent.

Exactly, if you want to see the king,
you got to go through proper channels.

I don't remember there being anything
about proper channels with King Bob.

Well there's a new king, now.

And we're going to start doing
things right around here.

So, uh, what am I supposed to do now?

Do, your majesty? Why, nothing.

Your slightest whim is our duty
and indeed, our pleasure to fulfill.

Wow! You mean if I wanted some crackers,
I could--

Or a little apple juice?

Just name the brand and vintage.

Hey, maybe this isn't going to be so bad,
after all.

[chattering]

I'm telling you,
this is going to be great.

Now that Gus is king,
we can get anything we want.

I'm going to get my own science lab.

I'm going to get my own private swing!

I'm going to get made lord
emperor of the west playground.

Next!

What do I do with these?

Ah!

You take form - k to the office
of royal boons.

They'll ask you for form RL WX,

which you can only obtain
by submitting a written request.

And then do we get to see King Gus?

[laughing]

[panting]

Frozen novelty items, your majesty.

Thank you.

Don't forget that gum
that blacks out your teeth.

[panting]

The yo-yo you requested, sire.

Er, I meant to say
a glow-in-the-dark yo-yo.

Hey, did you get my gum?

I'm sorry, majesty,
but pressing royal business,

commands your immediate attention.

Business? But you said--

-It's mine!
-No, it's mine!

Each of these first graders
says that the doll is hers.

You must decide to which of these girls,
the doll rightfully belongs.

[children] Royal judgment! Royal judgment!

[gulp]

Well, then, uh, I, uh...

judge that the doll will, uh...

will be cut in two,
and each of you will get half!

[children gasp]

-Ok.
-Cut her in half?

No, not Mrs. Blithers, please!

Oh, just let her have it all!

There we have it. The doll is yours.

Yes!

[children] Hurrah! Hurrah for King Gus!

Your majesty, how did you ever decide?

The doll obviously belonged,

to the girl who cared about it the most.

But my leech,
you gave it to the other girl.

Oops.

It was still a good decision, though.

Yeah, it was the second-best decision,
there could be.

Maybe I'm not such a bad king after all.

On the contrary, your majesty,
you're a great king.

Perhaps the greatest.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Everything seems to be in order.

So we can go see King Gus?

Absolutely, his next opening is...
February th at : P.M.

You'll have five minutes.

Five minutes? Ok, that's it.
I'm going up there.

Me, too.

Hey, wait a minute! Come back!

These cookies have nuts in them!

I'm surrounded by incompetents!

Your majesty, I'm so sorry.

Silence! I must think.

Cookies, cookies. I need cookies.

I have it!

Henceforward, all kids on the playground,

shall every day be required,

to render unto me two cookies.

A cookie tax?

-It's brilliant!
-We'll get on it right away.

Guys, how is it going? You were right,
T.J., this king stuff is terrific.

People do everything you tell them to,

and there's all the cookies you could eat.

That's great, Gus, but--

King Gus.

Yeah, right, King Gus. So anyway,
we got some cool plans,

to change things around here.

That's great, Teej,
I want to hear all about it.

In fact, I'm making a few changes myself.

Your majesty, this kid refuses
to pay the cookie tax.

-What?
-I don't have any cookies!

My mommy doesn't allow me
to have sugary snacks!

I don't care about your mommy
or anyone else!

The law is two cookies from every kid,

and you've broken the law!

Take him away! Hard labor!

No! Please, help! Mommy! Mommy!

Jeez, Gus, that was pretty cold,
wasn't it?

You think?

Take him away!

But, Gus! Gus!

Guys, this is terrible.
Gus has turned into a monster.

And that's the nice way of putting it.

Don't worry, Teej, we'll get you
out of there.

Vince is right.
I suggest we go see Gus again.

I'm sure he'll listen to reason.

-[all] Ah!
-[T.J.] What happened?

He didn't listen to reason.

Henceforward, the game of kickball,

will no longer be called kickball.

It will be called Gus-ball!

And at the beginning of each recess,

all subjects shall sing
the great Gus song,

which goes like this.

♪ Gus, Gus, o mighty Gus,
King of all the playground ♪

♪ Gus, Gus, o shiny Gus ♪

♪ We're glad such a great king we found ♪

Oh, brother.

Finally! All third, fourth,
and fifth graders,

shall spend a portion
of each recess helping to dig,

a cookie mine at the far end
of the playground.

Why would there be cookies in the ground,
your majesty?

Are you contradicting me?

Of course not, your majesty, no!

No one questions my authority! No one!

My will be done! Now go! Go!

♪ Gus, Gus, o mighty Gus ♪

♪ King of all the playground ♪

Ah!

No!

This is ridiculous.

You can't put everyone in jail.

You can if you're Gus.

Well, I've had enough.

Are we going to be denied our freedom,

during the one time of the day
that's supposed to be ours to enjoy?

Are we going to let kid after kid
be thrown in jail,

just because they don't have cookies?

Are we going to turn
into sniveling cowards,

afraid to blow our own noses,
because he might call it treason?

T.J.'s right! I say we rise up
and cream the little weasel!

Uh, actually I thought we could just
give him a good talking-to.

No! We'll smash him, we'll trash him.

We'll grind him into the dust
like the worm he's become!

Yeah right, but in case
you haven't noticed,

we're locked in here
and there's no way out.

Hey, a cookie.

What?

So that's their little game. Is it?

We'll show them who's in charge.

Jordan, Jerome!

Miserable cowards.
Do you think I need you?

I don't need anyone.

I'm king, I tell you! King!

Gus, come down off of that throne!

You're finished! Do you hear me? Finished!

I am, am I? [whistles]

Take them! No prisoners.

[all] Ah!

[children] Ah!

[screaming]

Madness! Madness!

Dolly!

[boy] Stop!

[whispering]

King Bob says for youse guys
to cut that out right now.

You first graders,
go back to your teeter-totters.

You swingers, back to the swings.

You diggers, back to your, uh, diggings.

The rightful king has returned.

[snarls]

Phew.

Well, well, well, look who's back.

Wait! I can explain!

Speech time is over, your majesty!

Wait a second, you guys.
Let's not be so quick.

After all, uneasy the head
that wears the crown.

-Ugh?
-I think Mikey's trying to say

It's maybe it's not so easy being king.

Perhaps it's true what they say.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Oh, come on! You guys
are a bunch of wimps!

"Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

-Hey, which one of you guys is Spinelli?
-I am.

King Bob wants to see you
about an application,

to be lord emperor of the west playground.

Yes! At last! And this is only
the beginning.

I'll rule the world, I tell you!
The world!

Good sh*t.

[both gasp]

Well, if it ain't a bunch of little kids.

What are you doing, little kids,
playing with marbles?

Ha ha.

Hey, Chucko, this one's a steely.

A steely, huh? That's a different story.

Take them, boys.

-Oh, no! Oh, no!
-Oh, no! Oh, no!

Hey! Leave those kids alone.

Oh, yeah? And what if I don't?

If you don't, it will be just like
last time, and the time before that.

And you remember what happened then,
don't you, Chucko?

This isn't over, Vince.

My big brother Cy is in eighth grade.

When I tell him what you did,
he's going to get you good!

Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops.

Yay! Yay!

Ok, ok, that's enough. You're welcome.
Yeah, yeah, you're welcome.

Did you see that? Did you?

Wow, Vince, that was the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

Oh, that was nothing.

Nothing? Vince, you just
faced down Chucko,

the meanest fifth-grader
on the playground.

If that's not cool, I don't know what is.

Yeah, Vince is so cool,
every kid on the playground,

wants to hang with him.

-What?
-That's ridiculous.

Hey, Vince, want to hang with us?

[Mikey] Vince is so cool,

kids of every grade worship him
like a god.

What? Oh man, where do you guys
get this stuff?

Almighty Vince, we offer to you

our two front teeth,
worth cents street value.

Face it, Vince, there's nobody
cooler than you.

Oh yeah? What about Chad?

Oh, yeah. Chad.

-Good point.
-Who's Chad?

My big brother, Chad's the coolest guy
this school has known.

I remember once,
when I was in kindergarten,

I was alone in the sandbox,

and Chad came over and played with me.

Yeah, and back in first grade,

when I got that bean stuck up my nose,

Chad showed me how to blow it out.

Chad was cool, all right.

Man, I haven't seen him for years.

Well, it just so happens,

my big brother Chad's going to pick me up
after school today.

Wow, really?

Yeah, I mean If you guys
play your cards right,

you just might get a chance
to see him again.

You hear that? Vince's big brother Chad
is coming by after school.

He gave me my first shovel.

Come on! Let's dig him a really big hole!

[digging]

Guess what I just heard. Chad is coming,
he'll be here after school.

Chad? I remember him from when
I was in first grade.

Uff! What a hunk.

Yeah, he had those dreamy permanent teeth.

[girls sigh]

I remember once when I was
a mere fourth grader,

Chad actually spoke to me.

And it was at that moment
I knew that one day,

that, I, Bob, would be king.

[bell rings]

[children murmuring]

[Vince] I wonder why
all these kids are here.

Who knows? Must be some sort of celebrity.

So, Vince, what's Chad up to now?

Ah? You're all here to see Chad?

Yeah, you think he'd sign my shovel?

Tell us, Vince, is he still cute?

We haven't seen him, like, forever.

Uh, he's pretty much the same as always.

He just got a really cool bike.

Hear that? Chad got a new bike!

-Probably a mountain bike!
-Or a motorcycle.

Yeah, hey, everybody,
Chad's riding a chopper!

[crowd] Wow!

There he is now. Hey, Chad!

[children gasp]

Chad!

Chad!

Nice hog.

Hog? No, not him.

Him.

Hey, Vinny, come on I'm going to be late
for chess club.

Coming, Chad. See you later, guys.

I got to go hang
with my cool big brother, Chad.

[honks horn]

That's Chad?

He seemed so much bigger before.

And so much cooler, too.

Why, he's nothing but a nerd.

Oh, I'm so depressed.

[Gretchen] Actually, when you think
about it, it all makes sense.

I mean, what self-respecting fifth grader,

would want to hang out with us,
when we were in kindergarten?

Sure, he seemed like the uber-Chad
back then, but now...

He's a total dork!

Poor Vince. He doesn't even know.

Yeah, think how he's going to take it
when he finds out.

Ha ha ha!

Chad a geek?

That's rich. That's really rich.

Vince, take it from someone who knows,

your brother is definitely a geek.

Come on! Chad's way cool.
He can burp the whole alphabet.

Look, Vince. What's the thing
your brother wears in his pocket?

Pocket protector.

He doesn't want to get ink on his shirt.

Ok, then. What's that stuff
he wraps around his glasses?

Tape. They break all the time.

That's kind of a classic sign.

Well, you'd break your glasses too,

if you had baseballs flying at you,
at top speed.

You mean Chad's on the baseball team?

Sure! He's the greatest scorekeeper
they ever had.

I rest my case.

Oh, come on you guys,
my big brother Chad is not a geek.

I'll see you later.

I got to pick up Chad's turtle
from the vet.

Stage one, denial.

[Spinelli] What's that stuff he wraps
around his glasses?

[Vince] Tape.

[Gretchen] That's kind of a classic sign.

[Gretchen] Take it from someone who knows,
your brother is definitely a geek.

Mhm...

Man, biology class was really neat.

We're studying the life cycle
of the Colombian tree toad.

Someday I'd like to live among them,
and learn their peaceful ways.

Geek, geek, geek.

And after chess club,
the guys and I went to compu-hut,

and watched them unpack
the mouse pads. They're really neato!

Geek.

Geek.

Geek.

Whoopsie-daisy.

Geek. Geek.

Geek. Geek.

It's true! It's true!

Is it something I said?

Oh, brother.

[Chad] Enter, if you dare.

Hey, Vince, check it out.

I just b*at myself at -dimensional chess.

Chad, can we talk?

Sure. What's on your mind?

I don't know how to say this,

but I've just been noticing that...
well you're a geek.

Yeah, so? You mean you know you're a geek?

Oh sure! Ever since first grade.
I brought my pet earthworm,

to show-and-tell and everybody laughed.

But I always thought you were so cool.
You have all these CDs, and--

Geek music, Angela Weber, Sondheim,
Gilbert and Sullivan.

You always did cool stuff.
You always knew everything.

-And I always--
-Sorry, Vince, but I am what I am,

and the fact is I'm a geek.

[beeping]

Oh, here comes Ferdie's message.

Can we talk later, Vince?

We started our own chat room. Neato, huh?

Oh...

Hey, come on, Vince, it's not the end
of the world.

So, Chad's a geek. Big deal.

He's still your brother.

I know, I know. It's just...

All these years,
I thought Chad was so cool.

Now that I know he's not,
it makes me question everything.

I mean, heck, if he's a geek,
maybe I'm a geek.

Maybe my whole life's a sham.

Oh, come on, Vince, you're talking crazy.

Am I? I can see it all now.

It will start small.

one of these days I'll be walking along,
minding my own business,

and something will catch my eye.

Ooh!

Soon I'll be having strange cravings,

for polyester pants and orthopedic shoes,

saying words like
whoopsie-daisy and neato.

Before you know it, I'll be
playing cauldrons & caverns,

learning stupid yo-yo tricks,

and sneaking into sci-fi conventions,
in my spare time.

And then one night,
when the moon is full...

[gasps]

[beeping]

Neato!

Ah, come on, man,
that's not the way things are going to be.

Maybe, and maybe not,

But if this geek thing's hereditary,

then I'm a walking time b*mb.

[sighs]

Man, things can't get any worse than this.

That's the kid, Cy,

The guy who thinks he's so cool.

So, you've been giving my little brother

a hard time, eh?

Hey, look, I think this is just
a big misunderstanding.

Yeah, you misunderstanding
that you do not mess,

with the Kowalski family, ever!

Oh!

Hey!

Leave those kids alone.

Save yourself, Chad.
I can only hold him back so long.

It's ok, Vince. I can handle this.

Stay out of this, geekoid, or you're next.

You heard me, Cy.

Leave those kids alone.

And if I don't?

If you don't,

you can just forget about me helping you,

with your math homework anymore.

B-but we're starting algebra soon.

Don't take that from him, Cy.
He's just a big geek.

Shut up, Chucko!
This guy's not kidding around.

Look, Chad, we're sorry.

It was just a big misunderstanding.

We didn't mean nothing bad. Honest.

Yay! Yay!

Chad, that was so cool.

Hey, just 'cause I'm a geek,

doesn't mean I'm not a cool geek.

Come on, I'll give you a ride home
in the old Chad mobile

See you later, guys.

I'm going home with my big brother Chad.

[honks horn]

[Vince] Hey, Chad, do that thing you do.

[Chad] Oh, ok.

[Burping] A, B, C, D,

E, F, G...

[school bell rings]