01x07 - I Will Kick No More Forever/The Kid Came Back

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Whaa!

Aah!

Gulp! [burps]

I've been watching this game
for a lot of grades now,

And it doesn't get much better than this.
Eh, Gus?

Gotta agree with you there, Gretchen.

The game's been played

by a lot of players on a lot of surfaces,

but rarely with the spirit

these two teams bring to the asphalt.

Speaking of spirit, our next kicker

is non other than

the k*ller of kick, the legend of leg...

our very own Vince "the foot" la salle.

-[children cheering]
-[kid] Oh, man. Vince.

He's a kid who came up through the ranks

kicks lefty throws righty,

and he can always be counted on to score
when the heat is on.

Let's join the action. Shall we?

-All right, Vince!
-Yeah, Vince!

Bring it on!

[indistinct shouting]

I don't think I'd be exaggerating

to say that Vince is undisputed
single greatest kicker

the Third Street School has ever seen.

[everyone gasps]

[meow]

[kids cheering and shouting]

No question about it.

Nobody can outkick Vince,
and I mean nobody.

It's the bottom of the ninth,

two outs, one minute remaining
on the recess clock.

And it's not looking pretty
for T.J.'s team

I mean, when the other team's got Vince,

there's no way you can win.

Especially when your
last kid up is... Ashely Q.

I'm telling you Alison

You will just die when you find out

who I sat next to in carpool.

Ashely Q., hurry up.

Excuse me, I'm, like, on the phone.

Well, use the "hold" button. You're up.

[Ashely Q.] OK, OK.

Tss, guy. Hold on, Alison.
This will just take a sec.

Like I have nothing better to do.

All right, everybody.
Move in!

Boy, I haven't seen an outfield play

so shallow since preseason first grade.

I'll second that one, Gretchen.

This is the biggest display
of no confidence I have ever seen.

[gasp]

[everyone] Whoa!

So, like, anyway, where was I?

No gathering, no gathering.

This ball is the property of the state.

Well, you can just tell her that--

[children] Ashely Q.! Ashely Q.!
Ashely Q.! Ashely Q.!

Alison, I think
I'll have to call you back.

By all calculations

that's the longest kick
this school's ever seen.

Man, Ashely Q. is even better than Vince.

[children] Ashely Q.!
Ashely Q.! Ashely Q.!

[bell rings]

[cheering]

Come on, Vince.

Mr. Tiller's class challenged us
to a kickball game.

Nah, you guys go without me.

I think I'm going to sit this one out.

You're gonna what?

Well, after yesterday,
I don't feel much like playing.

you mean because Ashely Q. outkicked you?

Ha! You gotta be kidding.

It just was a fluke, a twist of fate

an accidental offramp
on the highway of life.

Cheer man!
You're still the best kicker in school.

Everybody knows that.

-You think?
-Absolutely.

I mean, you've been picked first
for every game since preschool.

Hey, T.J.! You guys playing or what?

We're playing.

Great. Then, I pick Ashely Q.

Ah, come on, Vince!

So you didn't get picked first. Big deal.

You just gotta goo out there
and show'em what you're made of.

I don't know, Teej.

Something doesn't feel right.

Come on, Vince. You're up!

He's out!

Hey, comm'on.
Everyone's entitled to a bad turn.

Just wait till you're up again.

Foul ball!

I'm telling you, man.

My game's going south.

Hey, relax.
You're just warming up.

[children laughing]

You think he's warmed up yet?

I'll take... Billy.

Well, I guess it's down to you and me.
Huh, buddy?

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, c'mon man!

This doesn't mean a thing.
Take my word for it.

Being picked last is no big deal.

I'll take... Gus.

Next to last! Yes!
You hear that, everyone?

I'm not a loser.
I'm not a loser!

You take him.

No, you take him.

-No, you take him.
-No, you take him.

-No, you take him.
-No, you take him.

[Vince] Forget it!

Nobody needs to take me.

As of right now,
I'm officially retiring from kickball.

What do you mean, Vince?

You heard me.
I will kick no more, forever.

[melancholic music]

All right, Vince!

[children cheering]

[tape squeaks]

[children cheering]

[knock on door]

Nobody's home.

Vince, what are you doing here?

You missed school.

I've been busy. Remember last June?

Boy, those were the good old days, huh?

Sure, Vince.

But there's plenty
of good times ahead.

Nah... not like the old days.

Root beer?

Hey, did you see that kick?

Boy, back then, I was in my prime.

Vince, that was two weeks ago.

Yep, time sure flies, don't it?

C'ome on, man! Is this all you're gonna do
the rest of your life?

Watch stupid videos of old games?
Snap out of it!

What's there to snap out of, Spinelli?

I've been outkicked by an Ashley,

Humiliated in front
of the whole playground.

I'm a loser, guys,
I has-been before I was ever a been.

Don't you think you've had enough?

[crunching]

What difference does it make?

Once, it would have mattered
back in the days

when I thought I was something great,

But now, who cares?
[burp]

I wish there was some way

we could help Vince
get his confidence back.

Yeah, but how?

The guy kicks like a kindergartner.

He's got the classic symptoms

of an athlete in a slump.

The only remedy for something like this

is for the subject
to experience success again.

What do you want to do, kick for him?

Ey...

maybe that's not such a bad idea.

What do you mean T.J.?

Hey, Gretchen, you still got that stuff
you made for last year's science project?

Sure.
But, what does that have to do with--

Hey, that might work.

I don't get it. Are you guys
talking in code or something?

No time to explain.
Let's go.

If it helps, Spinelli,
I don't get it, either.

It doesn't help, Mikey.

Now, remember, whatever you guys do,

don't touch anything.

Hey, cool yo-yo.

[gasps] Don't touch that!

-Oops.
-Haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

Good thing you didn't try to walk the dog.

What's your brilliant idea?

Show 'em, Gretchen.

You see, over the las couple of sumers

I've been trying to develop a substance

to replace liquid soap.

-Why?
- Oh, you know.

Something to do in my spare time.

Anyway, quite by accident,

I came up with this.

-Ew.
-What is it?

I call it "glorp."

Glarp?

Glorp.

So... what's so great about it?

Allow me to demonstrate.

Wow!

See this is where my idea comes in.

If we make a ball out of this
and get Vince to kick it,

His troubles would be over.

Only one problem.

Vince said
he was never going to kick again.

Yeah. How are we going to change his mind?

Leave everything to me.

OK, everybody know their lines?

Now, remember.
When Mikey pulls his fakeout

and we all rush to help him,

Gus is gonna sneak out to the mount

to switch the regular ball
with Gretchen's glorp ball.

You got that guys?

-Got it.
-Great!

Let's do it!

[children] Hey, kicker, kicker.

Ah, the pain, the pain.

What's the matter, Mikey?

I can't kick. I can't kick.

I got a splinter...

Uh, in my toe.

I got a splinter in my toe.

[mechanically] Oh, well, too bad for you.

Now that Mikey is out of the game,

You will lose auto... matically.

Don't worry.
We'll find somebody.

But who?
All the good kids are taken.

Hey, Vince, little help?

Sorry, Teej, you're asking the wrong guy.

But you've got to,man.

If you don't kick, we'll lose the game.

Yeah, well get used to it.

I can't help you anymore. I'm a loser.

You're not a looser, Vince.

You're just as good as you always were.

You just don't know it. That's all.

Look, for years, you were a natural...

the best kicker,
best runner, best thrower.

Everything came easy to you.

Now you've got a bigger challenge.

Now you've got to work for it.

You can do it!

The only thing that makes
you a loser is not trying,

so get out there and kick that ball, man.

Not just for them, not just for me,

but for yourself.

[astronaut] Houston, we have a problem.

[children] Vince! Vince! Vince! Vince!

I did it, you guys. I did it!

You were right. I'm not a loser after all.

Well, there he goes.

Yeah, it worked.

So, why don't I feel better
about all this?

Maybe because it's a lie.

The point is
we gave Vince his confidence back.

Did we? Or did we just set him up
for an even bigger fall next time?

Gee,
I guess I never thought about it that way.

Sorry, guys.
I got here as fast as I could.

Well, you didn't miss much...

Just Vince kicking the ball
into the stratosphere.

He did? But... that's impossible!

Huh? What are you talking about, Guss?

Well, I was standing over by the sidelines

just like you said, right?

But then I had to go
to the bathroom really bad.

And I didn't want to take
the ball inside with me.

So I put it down right by the door.

And when I came out, it was gone.

You mean you never switched the balls?

-Sorry.
-But that means...

The ball Vince kicked
was a regular kickball!

He really did kick it
into the stratosphere.

Hey, wait a minute.

If the ball Vince kicked
was the regular rubber kickball,

Where's my glorp ball?

Rotten little brats,
leaving a perfectly good ball

outside on the playground
where anyone can get to it.

I'll just put this up here,
where it's safe from idle hands.

[screaming]

[smack]

Ow!

My nose! My nose!

Get out of here, you creepy little dweeb!

Wow, Ashley, that's like, really good.

Thanks, Ashley Q.
I've been working on it all week.

Aah! My masterpiece!

Get lost, you fashion reject!

You're out, Mikey.

Ah, geez.

A little help.

Oh, brother.

Hey, who is that kid, anyway?

I don't know, I've never seen him before.

Me, neither.

Hey, kid, what's your name?

Who's your teacher?

Are you lost?

Maybe he's deaf.

No problem.
My grandpa's deaf

and we communicate just fine.

Let me show you my technique.

Can you hear me?

Perhaps he's a foreign exchange student.

Sprechen Sie englisch?

Maybe he's a deaf
foreign exchange student.

Well, whoever he is, he's not bugging us,
so let's finish the game.

Yeah, come on.

What the--

It seems to have hit a nail.

I didn't see any nail there before.

Oh, well, so much for foursquare.

Let's go play something else.

[all] Yeah, why not?

Hey, Teej, we got company.

What's with this kid?

He's following us like some sort of puppy.

I like puppies.

Hey, maybe he could be our mascot.

Where do you come up with this stuff?

Actually, the idea of a human mascot
has a certain twisted appeal.

Yeah, he could be like one of those guys

at the baseball game
in a giant chicken suit.

Only he'll be ours.

But what are we gonna call him?

Well, he sits there eating peanut butter
all the time.

Let's just call him the peanut butter kid.

OK, peanut butter kid,
you can be our mascot.

Come on.

Come on, baby, mama needs
a new pair of high-tops.

My pearly!

It's... gone!

Aah! My new bat!

Aah! My new ball!

Mmm! Sloppy joes! My favorite!

And it's the last one, too.

My glasses! My glasses!

I can't see if I don't find my...

[shattering]

...glasses.

[eerie music]

[bell rings]

[cheering]

Man, what a weird day.

Yeah, I wonder why we've been having
all this bad luck.

Maybe it's a full moon.

Maybe it's voodoo.

I broke a mirror once.

I think that's already been paid for.

Oh, c'mon,
you guys are being superstitious.

Not everyone's had such bad luck.

Look, my sugar cube model
of the DNA double helix

won first place at the science fair.

I'm gonna have it permanently preserved

so that one day I'll be
able to look back and say...

Aah! My project is ruined!

OK, who put the hex on me?

Now, wait a minute,
let's be logical about this.

What's different about today
from every other day?

Him!

[all] He's a jinx!

[eerie music]

Is it safe?

Nope. He's out there, all right,

and he's waiting for us.

What are we gonna do?

Well, the way I see it

we have two options:

Number one, we let him hang around with us

and have bad luck
for the rest of our lives,

Or number two,
we live underground like mole people,

coming up only for supplies.

There's always a third option.

Ditch the little munchkin,
sandwich and all!

That one get's my vote.

But what if the little guy
doesn't want to get ditched?

Yeah, what makes you think
it's going to be so easy?

Ah, come on!

He's just a little kid.

How hard could it be?

[toilet flushes]

Problem solved.

[gasps]

[eerie music]

[whistling]

OK, so maybe I underestimated
the peanut butter kid.

He's a little,
well, stickier than I thought.

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

Clearly more drastic measures
are in order.

OK, look, kid, what we got here

is a genuine antique treasure map.

[T.J.] see? You are here,

and the treasure is way over there.

Yeah, all the way
on the other side of town.

So go, kid, follow your dreams.

[coins jingling]

Ow!

[cheering]

[stammering] But, the bus...
I saw him. He was on.

OK, kid, you ready?

[Spinelli screams]

But... but that's impossible.

We're never gonna get rid of him!

Never!

I can't take it anymore!

Calm down, T.J.

Calm? I can't keep calm.

This kid is driving me nuts.

If we don't get rid of him soon,

we're going to have bad luck
for the rest of our lives.

Oh, sure. At first it wont be so bad.

A little hit on the head here,
a broken bat there.

But that's just the beginning!

Pretty soon
we'll be getting F's in spelling

and losing our favorite comic books!

No!

Before you know it,
we'll be slackers in our 's

clerking in a video store,

Spending Saturday nights

ordering pizza over the internet.

And why?

Because we can't get one
little kid to leave us alone!

But what can we do T.J.?
We tried everything.

Well, there is one thing we haven't tried.

We've never just asked him
to leave us alone.

Well, what are we waiting for?

[T.J. clears his throat]

Ah... look, kid,
I don't know how to say this,

ah, but we've been wondering,
if it's not too much trouble...

if you wouldn't mind...

Just leave us alone, will ya?

You know, I don't feel very
good about myself right now.

[Gus] Man, what a rotten day.

Yeah, after what we said to that kid,
I feel like such a jerk.

Hey, 'common. It had to be done.

That's right.
Otherwise, we'd still be having bad luck.

Yeah, at least that's one thing

we don't have to worry about anymore.

[boy] Loose ball!

-Ah!
-Ow!

-Oh!
-Ah!

My glasses!
My glasses! My--

[shattering]

I'm blind!

Hey, sorry about that, you guys.

It was, like, a freak kick.

Bad luck, huh?

Man, this bad luck stuff just won't quit.

-Yeah.
-But if we're still having bad luck...

Then it wasn't peanut butter kid's fault.

We were mean to him for nothing.

I feel so cheap.

Come on! We got to find him!

I looked everywhere I could think of.

Same here.

Hey, look!

Hey, kid, where've you been?

We've been looking everywhere for ya.

Listen, kid,

we've been thinking
about what we said to you,

and, well... we were wrong.

We really did want you
to hang around with us.

We just didn't know it at the time,
that's all.

Look, we understand if you're still mad
about what we said before.

But we've realized
a few things since then.

Yeah, we... uh, we've realized that, uh...

That every kid has a right to hang around

with other kids if he wants to,
and that,

uh... tha--

That you shouldn't treat a kid bad

just 'cause they're strange,
different or quiet.

'Cause everybody's quiet sometimes,

and that doesn't mean they're bad luck.

So, what we're trying to say kid is--

[boy] Hey, sandwich boy!

Come on, it's your turn!

This is all we have to remember him by.

There, there, big guy.

Well, I guess we learned our lesson.

Yeah, I'll never treat another kid
like that again.

-Same here.
-You bet.

[T.J.] Come.
Let's go play some foursquare.

Hey, look, it's a new little kid.

Kind of reminds me of you-know-who.

Yeah.

We're not gonna make the same mistake
we made last time, right, guys?

[all] Right!

You know what we gotta do, don't ya?

[All] Run!