01x10 - Teacher's Lounge/Randall's Reform

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Whaa!

Ah!

[burps]

I hope everything's OK.

My hair's done. I got my socks on.

So, a little nervous, eh, Grundler?

Not at all. I'm perfectly calm.

My blood pressure's over .

In the acceptable range.

You don't have to cover with me.

I mean, today's the big day, right?

Big day? What big day?

I wonder if the boys remembered.

You tell me.

[Gretchen] T.J. combed his hair!

[Spinelli] Mikey tucked in his shirt!

[both] Vince is wearing a tie!

Apparently, they did remember.

Remember what?

[Spinelli] Ooh, don't you boys look nice?

What's the occasion,

Dress-up day at Chubby Cheese's?

[all] Give me a break.

Just admit it. You guys got
dressed up for the big day.

What big day?

Today is the day the teachers

turn in their annual budget requests.

So?

So one of the students has
to deliver the request to room .

-You don't mean--
-That's right.

One of us kids gets a chance

to see inside the teachers' lounge.

Wow! I don't think in any
of the schools I ever went to

any kid ever saw
inside the teachers' lounge.

Not here, either,

But this time we're not going to blow it!

Hey! I was in second grade.

What? What happened?

Well, I had a chance

to see inside the teachers' lounge once.

I'll never forget it.

[man] Who's there?

Mr. Yamashiro? I have
a folder for Miss Walton.

[Mr. Yamashiro]
Well, slip it under the door.

It's too big to fit under the door.

[Mr. Yamashiro sighs] Hold on. I'm coming.

[gasps]

It all happened so fast.

Now it just feels like
some sort of crazy dream,

But this time I won't blow it.

Hey, clutch choker, what makes you think
you'll get another chance?

Actually, we all have the same odds
at being selected.

What do they do? Pick a name out of a hat?

Well, that's not exactly how it works.

You know, Miss Grotke,

No one makes nines like you.

Why, thank you, Spinelli.
That's very sweet of you.

By the way, Miss Grotke,
that dress is very becoming.

Bottle green really brings out
the yellow in your complexion.

Thank you, T.J.

Oh, Miss Grotke, you were right.
There are states.

Do you really make
Geography come alive!

You're Miss Grotke?

Why, you look young enough
to be the new student teacher!

Oh, Vince.

Here's your make-up quiz, Mikey.

A D-plus? All right, Miss Grotke.

Now maybe I can flunk fourth grade

and have you as a teacher
for a whole 'nother year.

By the way, Miss Grotke,
aren't you supposed

to turn in the annual
budget requests today?

I believe young Theodore's right.

Perhaps one of us should deliver it
to the teachers' lounge.

Good point. Now, who shall I pick?

I think I should pick--

[knock on door]

One second.

[sighing]

Ah, Miss Lemon, come in.

I'm here to pick up them budget requests.

[gasp]

Usually I just send them
down with a student.

Not no more.

Prickly wants me
to deliver them personal-like.

Very well.

Here you go.

What a fine idea.

I mean, why interrupt our studies
to run a silly errand?

I can't believe you told her
you like her nines.

My dog makes better nines than she does.

"You look young enough to be
the new student teacher."

How do you live with yourself?

Face it. We all debased
ourselves today, and for what?

Nothing, no one's ever going to get to see

inside the teachers' lounge.

Yeah. The bunsen burners,
the petri dishes.

Huh? What are you talking about?

Well, isn't it obvious?
They're teachers, right?

Therefore, they must be utilizing
their free time

to push the boundaries of knowledge.
on every frontier

Ah, to be the proverbial
fly on the wall...

Eureka! Mr. Yamashiro, come quickly!

-Yes, Miss Grotke?
-I have found the genetic key to learning.

Why, with this serum we can create
a generation of Einsteins!

I'll notify the newspapers.
I bet you'll win the Nobel Prize for this!

Gee, I'm running out of room.

Hold on. The Smithsonian
has confirmed my research!

The Donner party did run out
of condiments.

[Miss Finster]
Wait! Come over to the supercomputer!

I've discovered a new trick
for teaching the sevens tables.

But all the experts
said it was impossible.

Yeah, honey? Well, the experts
never met Muriel B. Finster.

What? That's the craziest thing
I've ever heard!

That's not what they do in there.

How do you know?

Come on! Does the guy at Quicko-Mart
spend his free time making slurpos?

-Probably not.
-Right.

So if I'm a teacher,
the last thing I'm going to do

is waste my free time
learning a bunch of dumb facts.

What do you think they're doing
in there, then?

Working out. That's what they're doing.

[pumped up music]

Got my heart rate up to .

I go another minutes, then a cool-down,

quick round on the free weights,

back to class.

[heavy breathing]

Feel the burn.

Come on, crazy legs,
show me what you're made of.

Well, OK,

But remember I've only had two lessons.

Don't worry, Powerhouse Prickly
is gonna go easy on you.

-[yells]
-[grunts]

[Miss Lemon] ... ... ...

Wow, that's quite a lot
for a woman your age.

Hey, buster, no pain, no gain.

... ...

Don't blink, tough guy.
I'm taking it to the hole.

Oh, how you like me now?

No way! That can't be
what they're doing in there.

OK, big guy. You think you're so smart?

What do you think
those teachers are doing in there?

Well, I know what I'd be doing.

I would be perfecting my innermost soul.

[all] Om...

Om...

[coughing]

When you can snatch
these pebbles from my hand,

then you, too, can share the wisdom
of the high administrator.

How about two out of three?

Walk across these hot coals

and perfect the vision of your nirvana.

I'll try.

Oh, mama.

What? And you thought
my version was stupid?

Not necessarily stupid, just incorrect.

[arguing]

-[whistles]
-[arguing stops]

Look, we can sit here and argue
about this till we're in high school

and we'll still never know
what the lounge is like, or...

-You don't mean...
-Yep. We're going in.

Hey, no running, big boy!

How are we going to get past her?

I believe this is a job for The Crier Kid.

So, what are we talking here?

Ten seconds job or are you interested
in our full-service program?

Full service, definitely.

OK, then you'll need to see my price list.

Two bucks? This is playground robbery!

Hey, I had to raise my rates!

What with overhead inflation,
the rising cost of Kleenex.

Well, that very well may be,

but unfortunately the sum total
of our financial assets is cents.

Hey, too bad. That won't even get you
a decent sniffle in today's market.

I'll give you a decent sniffle.

OK, OK.

This and two candy bars,
and you've got yourself a deal.

Give it up, Mike. We know you're packing.

[doing vocal exercises]

OK, OK.

[crying]

What the --

OK, Bradley, calm down.

What's the problem this time?

That big kid-- I was on the--

I didn't mean to-- then he hit me--

Ah!

[gasp]

Wow. The teachers' lounge.

Spinelli?

[man] Who's there?

It's Mr. Yamashiro.

He must just about live
in the teachers' lounge.

Now what do we do?

Is Miss Grotke there?

[Mr. Yamashiro] No, just me.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Yamashiro

but we're supposed to tell Miss Grotke

that her lime green convertible
is on fire in the parking lot.

[Mr. Yamashiro] Well, for your
information, not only is she not here,

but she doesn't drive
a lime green convertible.

[screaming] I do!

Ready?

[gasp]

-This is it?
-No laboratory?

No high-tech gym?

No spiritual awakening?

All these years of wondering,

and it turns out the teachers' lounge
is nothing more

than a Naugahyde couch
and a busted coffeemaker.

[sighs] Come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.

Lousy pranksters.

There's not a thing wrong
with my convertible.

Ahh, thank you, James.

Higher, higher. Oh, yeah, that's it.

So then I said to the superintendent,

"That's no kindergartner. That's my wife."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

My wife.

That you, Yamashiro?

Try this pheasant. It's divine.

[laughing]

It's almost like she left
it there on purpose.

All those balls just sitting there,
ripe for the picking.

What's to stop one of us
from simply walking up there,

reaching in, and getting the good ball
for ourselves, for a change?

Finster?

According to the schedule,
she ought to be biting

into the second half
of her sardine and pickle sandwich

right about... now.

Mm. Nothing like a good sardine
and pickle sandwich, eh, Randall?

You said it, Miss Finster.

I'm going for it.

[clink]

What is it, boy?

I heard something, Miss Finster.
I'll be right back.

Must have been a frequency only
lapdogs can hear. That kid's a natural.

[clink]

Don't do it, Randall.

[inhales]

Miss Finster!

What do you hooligans think
you're doing?

-Nothing.
-Yeah, a whole lot of nothing.

Good boy, Randall.

Now step back from the cart, all of you!
You know the procedure.

The playground equipment
has to be distributed evenly

among all the students,
not just a privileged few.

-[blows whistle]
-OK, kids, line up!

[boy] Aw, come on.

[pfft]

Ahh, the good ball.

Now, who shall get it today?

-[children] Me! Me!
-Let's see... uh...

Randall.

Hey, I'll let you play.
For a small fee, that is.

Forget, it, Randall. We'd rather play
with a flat ball than a slime ball.

Ooh, good one, Spinelli.

Well, I'd rather play with a good ball
than a dumb, uh...

I don't need them. I don't need anyone.

I'm having way more fun by myself.

Ooh!

So Prickly says,

"That's no kindergartner. That's my wife."

[laughing]

They think they're so great,
T.J. and his little friends.

What makes him so special?

Heh heh heh. This will fix his wagon.

Miss Finster! Miss Finster!

Ooh!

Hey, what did I do?

You know perfectly well what you did,
you little hooligan.

Just as I thought,

The criminal always returns
to the scene of the crime.

But Miss Finster, you dragged me here.
I didn't do nothing.

Oh, really? What's this, then?

"I did it!" signed T.J.?

Aha! A full confession.

But, Miss Finster, it wasn't me.
I've been framed!

Ten minutes at the wall!

Enjoying your recess, Detweiler?

It was you, wasn't it, Randall?

Boy, of all the sneaky underhanded
rotten things to do to a guy...

Oh, I'm just getting started.

I'm going to make your life
a living nightmare.

You're not going to be able to run,
you're not going to be able to spit

without me sending you to the wall,

'cause let me tell you something,
T.J. Detweiler.

I wish-- I wish--

I wish I was you!

What are you talking about?

Look at you. You're fat, you're ugly,
you wear that filthy jacket--

OK, OK, that's enough.

And yet guys play with you,
they laugh at your jokes,

they come to you for advice.
Everybody likes you.

Look at me. I got nothing.

Maybe that's because
you're always snitching on everyone.

You think?

Tell you what, Randall.
I'll make you a deal.

You stop ratting on me, and I'll get
the g*ng to let you hang out with us.

You mean like a pal?

Uh, kind of.

T.J., you got yourself a deal.

What? T.J., have you lost your mind?

I have to agree. No good can come of this.

Oh, come on, you guys!
Randall just wants to be one of the g*ng.

And I just want to be a six-foot-tall
bodybuilder named Mo,

But we happen to live
in something called reality.

Once a snitch, always a snitch.

-Oh, come on.
-[Randall] Hi, everyone!

Randall, have a seat.
We were just talking about you.

I know.

So, how's about we let bygones be bygones?

I brought something to trade:
pickles and sardines.

You make me sick.

So, you guys hear? Miss Finster's got
a new rule about the drinking fountain.

You can only drink for three seconds or --

-Hey, Randall, guess what?
-What?

Nobody cares.

Oh.

So this is working out pretty well
for the first day, huh?

Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
eating with Miss Finster

in the manner at which we are accustomed?

No way. I'm staying here.

I'm going to be one of the g*ng
if it kills me.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Uh, nothing.

So, you want to go spy
on the third graders or something?

Uh, no, thanks, Randall.

Hi, guys, whatcha playing?

It's called tether ball.

Can I play?

It's a two-person game, Randall.

Oh... well, how about if I play winner?

Uh, OK.

But we're playing to a million.
- , I'm winning.

Go away, sardine-breath.
You're stinking up my air.

How's it going, Randall?

Terrible. No one will even talk to me.

Well, you've got a lot of history.

Maybe you should do something
to show them that you've really changed.

Like what?

I don't know.
Buy everybody some ice cream.

Get us a good ball for once in our lives.

I'll do better than that.

I know a place where there's--
Oh, come on.

OK, let's go.

-This is it.
-What, this?

I must have passed
this door a million times!

Besides, it's locked.

No problem,

if you've got the right equipment.

Hey, what are you--

Rats! It's jammed.

Is it?

OK, we're here. What's so great about --

-[gasps]
-[gasp]

It's ball heaven.

Kids of the playground,

I give you balls!

[cheering]

[Miss Finster] Well, isn't this nice?

brand-new balls broken out
of their wrappings

and thrown into the dirt
like so much garbage.

What do you people think
these are, playthings?

So, which one of you
little hooligans did it?

Come on, speak up!

Was it...

You, Detweiler?

How about you, Spinelli?

Well, no matter. I've got my sources.

-Randall!
-Yes, Miss Finster?

Which one of these hooligans
broke into the ball room?

Well, uh...

If you had anything to do with it, boy,
you know I'll grant you immunity.

Well... uh... you see...

Come on, spit it out!

-I don't know!
-[gasp]

-What?
-Yeah, I just don't know.

I was tying my shoe at the time, see?

and I, well, I just didn't see anything.

Fine.

Then I'll just have
to find out for myself.

[cheering]

-Good job, Randall.
-Nice one!

-All right!
-Randall, you're one of us.

Hey, this is pretty fun.

You guys aren't still mad about me turning
you in for digging under the cafeteria?

Nah, we believe in burying the hatchet.

Yeah, and everything else
we can get our hands on.

[laughing]

I've got to hand it to you, Teej,

Randall sure has come around.

Yes, it's like he's a whole new kid.

Hey, you guys, Finster's giving out
the balls. Come on!

Man, this is great!

The diggers let me dig with them,
The Cryer showed me all his tricks,

I even got an audience with King Bob!

Hey, Randall. Think you can get us
the good ball again?

No sweat, Vinnie. Leave it to me.

Yeah, yeah, gather around,
you little buzzards.

I shouldn't be giving this to you
after what you did the other day,

but the school board says I have to.

Ah, the good ball.

Now, who shall get it today?

Douglas!

-Douglas?
-Must be Finster's new snitch.

New snitch?

Hey, Forget about it, man. You moved on.

Douglas? What kind of name
is that for a snitch?

Look at him standing there
with Finster all pretty-like.

OK, so she got a new snitch.
What do you care?

You're cool now. You've got friends.

Yeah, come on. Let's go play kickball.

Go ahead. I'll catch up in a minute.

I hope you know what you're doing, kid.

I believe Miss Finster and I are getting
along quite well without you, Randall.

Now, if you'll excuse me.
It's the height of recess

and I've got some snooping to do
in the permanent records room.

But Miss Finster told me
that room was our little secret.

That was then, this is now.

Douglas, back to business!

See you around, ex-weasel.

Randall, you OK?

"Back to business"?
She used to say that to me.

You're miserable, aren't you?

More than you'll ever know.
I miss Finster, T.J.

The way she used to yell my name,

the way she used to order me around,

even the way she used to give me
half her pickle and sardine sandwich.

We had a special friendship, T.J.,

but now I'm just a regular kid

and Finster... she's found another snitch.

Randall, this is kinda weird
coming from me,

but you've got to go back.

Huh?

Look, Randall. You only get
a few really good friends in life,

friends who like you for who you are,
friends who you like for who they are.

And being popular is no reason
to give up a friend like that,

Even if that friend is a -pound
gargoyle in orthopedic shoes.

You know, T.J., this means I'm going
to have to rat on all of you.

-I know.
-Do me a favor, T.J.

Don't tell the other kids
I said any of this stuff.

I wouldn't wanna get a reputation.

Don't worry. As far as they'll know,

you'll always be a two-bit
double-crossing snitch.

Thanks, T.J. That means a lot.

[Miss Finster] It's time to talk about
your benefits package, Douglas.

You'll be getting an extra helping
of pudding every Fri--

All right, Miss Finster,
I'm back and ready to talk.

-Take a hike. You're yesterday's news.
-But, Miss Finster--

I said b*at it before
I suspend your keister!

Gee, Miss Finster, I never knew you cared.

Just cut to the chase, Randall.

I want the names of those ball thieves
and I want them in alphabetical order.

Detweiler, T.J...

I knew he was a rat all along.

I told you he'd fink us out.

He had it all, and he just threw it away.

I can't understand why he did it.

[Randall talking indistinctly]

Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

[bell rings]