01x13 - Parents' Night/Swing on Thru to the Other Side

[bunniefuu]

[bell ringing]

[children cheering]

Wha!

Oh!

Ah!

[belch]

Parents' night,

the one night of the year
when all parents,

be they mothers,
be they fathers, be they whatever,

come together and share
in our positive learning environment.

So make sure you give
your parental figures

these recyclable handouts,

or they might miss
our classroom festivities.

And we wouldn't want
that to happen, now, would we?

[scoffing]

Yeah, that'd be a real tragedy.

Oh, boy, parents' night.

I can't wait to show my dad
how I organize my desk:

all the pencils on one side
and all the papers on the other.

He'll be so proud.

I'm going to show my parents
the class telescope

and the celestial object I discovered
and named for them:

Comet Doris-Phil.

I'm going to show my folks the dead pig
in Mr. Germaine's science lab.

Man, that thing can really float.

What are you gonna show
your mom and dad, Spinelli?

Me? Oh, my folks aren't coming.

-[all gasping]
-But, Spinelli, it's parents' night.

They've got to come.

Well, they can't, OK?
They're busy Thursday night.

Busy on parents' night?

Yeah. They're, uh...
having dinner at the White House.

The White House?
You mean where the president lives?

That's the one!

But isn't the president
in the Middle East this week?

Uh, yeah, that's right.
And that's why they're going...

to keep an eye on things.
You know, hold down the fort.

What about the secret service?

The secret service? They're, uh, uh...

They're bowling. It's their bowling night.

[bell ringing]

Ups! There's the bell. Got to go.

Wow. Spinelli's parents
at the white house?

That's amazing.

No more amazing than last year,
when they went headhunting in the amazon.

Or the year before that, when they went
hang-gliding off mount Everest.

You know, it's kind of strange
that Spinelli's parents

are always busy on parents' night.

That's 'cause she's
making the whole thing up.

-What?
-Well, think about it.

Every year since kindergarten, Spinelli's
come up with weirder and weirder excuses.

And sometimes she can't even
keep her stories straight.

No, that's ridiculous.

Hey, you guys hear?

Spinelli's mom and dad are going to be
the first parents on the space shuttle!

See what I mean?

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, why would Spinelli lie
about her parents?

Don't ask me. I never met 'em.

-Neither have I.
-Me, neither.

But T.J., you live
right down the street from Spinelli.

How come you've never met her parents?

I don't know. Her dad's car's
gone every morning before we go to school,

and she never even talks about her mom.

There's something weird
going on here, you guys.

Yeah, and we got to get
to the bottom of it.

But how, T.J.?

The best way is the sneaky way:

a stakeout.

Hey, Teej, do you see anything yet?

Negatory, Vince. How about you, Gretchen?

[Gretchen] Nothing back here, Teej.

Wait a minute. I think I see something.

-[Gretchen] A person.
-[T.J.] Who is it, Gretchen?

[Gretchen] I can't tell from here.
How about you, Gus?

It's too dark, but whoever it is,

they're heading for the garage.

[T.J.] Heads up, Mikey.
He's coming your way.

[yell]

Hi, Spinelli.

What are you doing in there?

Uh, sitting?

Well, get out of there.
And you, Gus, get out of that tree.

And, Gretchen, get out of that bush!

And all you guys, just leave me alone, OK?

Leave me alone!

[grunt]

Well, so much for the sneaky approach.

From now on, we gotta be direct.

Tomorrow after school, we're going in.

Somehow, someway, we're going in.

[slurping]

You think this is going to work?

Absolutely. It's foolproof.
Drink it down, big guy. Drink it down.

Please, no more. I'll burst.

Sounds about right.

[door bell ringing]

OK. You know what you're going to say?

I got to go to the bathroom!

What are you guys doing here?

-Tell her, Mikey.
-I got to go to the bathroom!

He's gotta go to the bathroom.

-Yeah. So?
-So you got to let him in.

He's ready to burst!

Sorry. Can't help you.

Come on, Spinelli, open up.

-What?
-Mikey's gotta go!

What are you guys really doing here?

We want some answers, Spinelli.

What are the questions?

Can I go to the bathroom?

-What else?
-Number one,

what's the deal with your folks?

Could you please not say "number one"?

Number two, why don't they
ever come to parents' night?

None of your business.

Come on, Spinelli. We're your friends.

OK, I'll tell you,
but you got to promise not to tell anyone.

My old man is a secret agent.
The old lady, too.

That's it. We're going in.

Wait! Wait!
[sigh]

All right, all right. I give.
I'll let you meet my parents.

-But not now!
-When?

I'll bring 'em to parents' night.

-No deal!
-Hold on, Mikey. That seems fair.

I can't hold on. That's the problem.

OK, Spinelli. See you on parents' night.

Come on, Mikey. There's a gas station
about five blocks from here.

[Mikey] Five blocks!

OK, see you guys later!

Me and my big mouth.

I'm telling you,
this is the deal of a lifetime.

This thing's got genuine Swiss movement.

[giggling]

[all] Scandalous!

[giggling]

[all] Scandalous!

Hi, there. Glad you could make it.

Your son and/or daughter is
a great asset to our school.

Hi, there. Glad you could make it.

Your son and/or daughter
is a great asset to our school.

Mom, dad, this is Miss Grotke.

Wheat grass juice? Carob cookies?
They're homemade!

Wheat grass? Carob?

A grip of Ceratonias siliqua
processed into a snack food.

Ah...

You made this? A whoopie cushion?

It was my science project.

That's my boy.

[laughter]

Not a speck of dust.

Nice job, soldier.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

It's so beautiful.
[sobbing]

Oh, there, there, little fella.

Anybody seen Spinelli?

-No sign of her yet.
-She chickened out.

I was afraid this might happen.

Guys, look!

Hello. You must be the Spinellis.

That's right, sugar.

[chuckle]
I'm your daughter's teacher, Miss Grotke.

Care for a cookie?

[munching]

[spitting]
That's disgusting!

Give me something to k*ll the taste.

Anybody got a brew?

Oh... no, but I'll see what I can do.

Spinelli.

Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet my friends.

-Yo!
-Hey, Dad, show my pals that thing you do.

Oh, yeah, sure. Check it out, dudes.

Wow.

Yeah, and he can pop a wheelie
on his chopper, too.

Mr. and Mrs. Spinelli,
I wasn't able to find any brews,

but I did track down some root beer.

Well, it's better than nothing.

Wow, Spinelli. Your mom and dad are great.

Yeah, why were you hiding them?

You know, I guess I wasn't sure
what you guys would think.

Are you kidding?
They're the coolest parents here.

I'm glad you brought them, Spinelli.

Gee, thanks, guys.

Hey, kid, can we talk to you a minute?

Well, sister, it's been real,
but we got to blow.

What? But the party just started.
We had a deal.

Sorry, squirt. Time's up.

So, if you don't mind,
we'll take our payment and split.

Hey, keep it down, will you?

[clinking]

No offense, Spinelli,

but I've changed my mind
about you having cool parents.

Yeah, now we know
why you didn't want to bring them.

They're real jerks.

You guys don't understand.
Those weren't my parents.

-What?
-I met them in the parking lot

at the Speedy Mart
and paid them to say they were.

But why, Spinelli?

Because my real parents...
they embarrass me, OK?

So?

"So?" What do you mean, "so?"

Everyone's parents embarrass them.

Yeah, it's a scientific fact.

Parents have a unique ability to be

a never-ending source of humiliation
for their offspring.

You guys don't understand.

My parents aren't like yours.
They're worse!

Oh, come on. How bad can they be?

[woman] Sweetheart! There you are!

Oh, no.

Oh, pookie, we were worried about you.

[loud kissing]

Oops, I got lipstick all over your face.

Here, let me clean that off.

No, mom, please!

You know, princess,
there must have been some sort of mistake.

I mean, we wouldn't even have known
about parents' night

if your mom hadn't found this note
in your jeans' pocket.

This can't be happening.

Oh, and these must be your little friends.

Let's see. You must be Mickey, and Vance,

and Gretel, and Russ, and...

you must be B.J.

He's the one
our little honey bunny has the crush on.

-Mom!
-Say, would you kids like to see pictures

of my little princess
when she was just a baby?

Dad!

Just look at her on that rug,
her little fanny in the air.

Why me? Why me?

Hello. May I help you?

Why, you must be Miss Grabkey.
We're the Spinellis.

[both] Bob and Flo!

You're Mr. and Mrs. Spinelli?

-But I thought--
-Oh, I know you thought

we'd be better-looking.
[chuckle]

What with our little beauty queen here.

We're so proud.

You know, she just stopped
wetting the bed this year.

[screaming]

[Flo] Oh, honeybunch!

[Bob] Princess, come back!

Oh, I guess we finally know
why she was embarrassed.

[Bob] Mind if we join you?

Sure. Pull up a roof.

We talked to your friends.
They explained to us

why you didn't tell us
about parents' night.

Yeah, well.

Look, honey. We know we embarrass you,

But there's something
very important we want to say.

What's that?

We forgive you.

You forgive me?

That's right, princess.

You see, someday

you're going to feel bad
about being so embarrassed by us.

And, well, we just want you to know
that we understand how you feel.

How could you possibly understand
how I feel?

Hey, we were kids
once ourselves, you know?

Why, when I was your age,
my dad used to embarrass me so much,

I'd lie about him all the time.

Really?

But grandpa Dave was a Navy SEAL.

[grunt]
Don't remind me.

The thing is, honey,

no matter how much we embarrass you,

no matter how uncool you think we are,

we're always going to love you

because you're our daughter,
and we're your parents.

Well, see you back at home, sweetie.

Wait.

There's still a half-hour left
of parents' night.

Well, come on, then.

Want to hear something funny?

What's that, sweetheart?

A couple of days ago,
I was so embarrassed of you guys,

I told my friends you were secret agents.

[both laughing]

-Secret agents. Oh, you kidder.
-[beep]

[beeping]

Go on down, you two. I'll catch up.
[chuckle]

, this is agent .
Received your signal. Over.

[ ] Roger, .
We have an international emergency.

H.Q. Wants you and
back here immediately.

The fate of the world is
on your shoulders.

Sorry, , but the fate of the world
will have to wait.

It's parents' night.

[ ] But... but, !

Oh, basket, basket, basket.

Oh, basket, basket, basket.

Oh, basket, basket--

Will you stop that?

But I got to do my basket chant
or I won't make the sh*t.

It's his ritual.

Ritual, schmitual. You throw the ball

and it either goes in, or it doesn't.

End of story!

She's doing it! She's doing it!

Who's doing what, Gus?

The swinger girl!

She's gonna go
over the top of the swing set,

and she's doing it right now!

Oh, boy!

[sigh]

[excited murmuring]

[swing squeaks]

Wow! I've never seen her
swing this high before!

Yeah, maybe she's really
gonna do it this time.

She is, you guys. I can feel it.

She's gonna shatter the rules of gravity,

overcome the physical world,

boldly go where no kid has gone before.

Yeah, right. She's tried
going over the top a million times.

This is just gonna be million and one.

[everyone] Swing! Swing! Swing!

This is it!

[all kids gasping]

She...

She...

She didn't make it.

[all sighing and chattering]

Once more, our hopes have been dashed

on the rocky shore of reality.

Can we just go home now?

Poor swinger girl. I feel so bad for her.

Oh, come on, what'd you guys expect?

She didn't do it
'cause she couldn't do it.

Nobody can.

Now, let's just forget about it, and--
Hey, where's my basketball?

Oh, man, I must have left it
back on the playground.

You guys go ahead. I'll catch up.

A kid going over the top?
It just wasn't meant to be.

-[metallic shrieking]
-[gasp]

Guys! Guys!

[stuttering] Guys, I saw her! She did it!

Swinger girl went over the top!

What? But, Spinelli, that's impossible.

Well, she did it, OK? Come on!

[Spinelli] It was amazing,
you guys! Amazing!

I was stooping down to pick up my ball,
when all of a sudden, I saw her.

She was right over--

But she was right here a minute ago.
I saw her.

Well, where is she, then?

-I don't know!
-Unless...

-Unless what?
-Unless she really did break on

through to the other side.

Yeah, that's it!

When she went over the top,
she must have disappeared

into one of those, you know,
other dimension thingies.

-What?
-Spinelli,

I think you're getting
a little carried away, here.

This can all be explained scientifically.

No, you're wrong.
She's gone, you guys, gone.

And she's not coming back.

[kids shouting]

[T.J.] anybody seen swinger girl?

The kids in Furley's class said
she never showed up for roll today.

There's got to be
some logical explanation.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Everyone, please move back
and away from the swing.

I repeat, back and away from the swing.
Thank you.

Spinelli, what are you doing?

Oh, hello, Theodore.

-I'm preserving this special area
-Why?

So it will never again be trampled upon
by the feet of my fellow kids.

After all, this is where it happened.

This is the swing that carried
my swinger girl over the top,

and no one must ever play
on this swing again.

Hey, neat, a free swing!

You little snot!
Didn't you hear what I just said?

Why, I ought to... but I won't.

She wouldn't have wanted me to.

Just don't get on the swing, OK, kid?

Yes, ma'am.

There's a good little fellow.

Ah... Spinelli, are you feeling all right?

Of course I am, Vincent. Why do you ask?

Well, normally you would have
just clobbered that kid.

Clobbered?
[laughing]

Oh, no, my friends,
that was the old Spinelli.

The new Spinelli clobbers no one.

From this day forward,
I shall live my life

as swinger girl lived hers:
never hurting anyone.

Never causing trouble.

Farewell, my friends.

I must tell the entire playground
what I have seen.

This is bad, you guys. Real bad.

She's completely delusional.

Look, I know Spinelli better than anybody.

And trust me: by tomorrow morning,
she'll be back to normal.

[Spinelli] And so, my friends,
always try to remember

the lessons
the great swinger girl taught us:

never swing too hard
until you're ready to jump,

never look down
until you're all the way back,

and always, always keep trying
to go over the top.

Because, friends, if you don't try,
you'll never make it.

Poor Spinelli, making a fool of herself
in front of the entire student body.

Yeah, and she's not even making any sense.

If she's not making any sense,
why are those kids listening?

They're just being polite.

I mean, who'd be nutty enough
to take her seriously?

-Excuse me, you guys.
-Mikey, what are you doing in that hat?

Helping Spinelli.

You know, ever since she saw
swinger girl go over the top,

she's been making a lot of sense.

Ah, hello, brother Michael.

Have you brought the special headgear?

Yes, o great and wonderful Spinelli.
Here they are.

Excellent. Let it be known
from this day forward:

any kid who wants
to follow swinger girl's teachings

gets a free hat!

-I'll take one!
-Me, too!

-[kid] Over here!
-[chattering]

[kid] Yeah! Come on!

I can't believe Spinelli and Mikey
won't eat lunch with us.

I asked them, but Spinelli says
she has special business to attend to.

[T.J.] special business, huh?

Well, I'm going to find out
what's so special about it.

It is said that swinger girl never waited
until dessert to eat a cookie,

and never finished a meal
before drinking all her milk.

-Therefore--
-Spinelli, can I talk to you for a second?

-Not now, Theodore.
-But it's important.

Oh, Theodore. Sweet, gentle Theodore,

You only think it's important,

but what we are doing has
true significance.

We are trying to reconstruct

the way swinger girl ate her lunch.

[moan]

Now for the carrot sticks...

[Gretchen] OK, so Mikey and Spinelli
don't want to associate with us right now.

It's not the end of the world.

Oh, sure. We can always get
a game of kickball going

with a couple of other kids.

Oh, yeah? Well, check this out.

[grunting]

No need to push. Everyone will get a turn.

I heard about a kid who wanted a new bike,

made a wish at the swing,
and got one the next day!

Well, I heard about a kid
who could only get "C"s.

Then, one day he touched the swing,

and he's been getting
straight "A"s ever since.

I'm gonna wish for a new pair of skates.

I'm going to wish for a puppy!

Move along. Move along. Keep it going.

Spinelli, what are you doing?

Isn't it wonderful, Theodore?
Kids from all over the playground

have come to experience the swing.

-But... but...
-Hey, Mikey,

do you think you could get me cuts?

-Gus!
-Well, I've always wanted a pony.

-Sixth graders!
-[kids gasping]

Great, King Bob's coming.

Now listen, Spinelli.
Just don't say anything, OK?

If King Bob hears you talking like this,
who knows what he'll do?

Which of you fourth graders is Spinelli?

I am.

I hear you've been going
around the playground

telling kids that swinger girl
went over the top and disappeared.

That's correct, Robert.

And now a bunch of kids
don't want to play games anymore.

They just stand around
talking and wearing funny hats all day.

Indeed, it is so.

-Then I got just one thing to say!
-What's that?

I take a size .

[kids] Swing, swing, swing...

[T.J.] I don't believe this.

Every kid in the playground is
into this swinger girl stuff except us.

It's as if the entire school
has abandoned reason and rationality.

Well, at least we know
the truth, right, Vince?

-Vince?
-I'm thinking, I'm thinking!

-What?
-Well...

Maybe swinger girl
really did go over the top.

Maybe she did swing on
through to the other side.

It's possible, right?

Not you, too!

Oh, man. It can't get any worse than this.

Hey, guys, she's doing it! She's doing it!

Who's doing what, Gus?

Spinelli's going over the top,

and she's doing it right now!

And so, my friends, as I leave you,

remember to live as swinger girl lived.

When you walk to school,

always take two steps forward
and one step back.

Sure, it'll take you longer,
but you'll see more of the world that way.

-Spinelli, wait!
-What are you doing, man?

Preparing to follow my swinger girl
into the next dimension.

But Spinelli, you're gonna fall off
and get yourself k*lled.

Hey, it's a chance she's got to take.

Go ahead, Spinelli.
Swing on through to the next dimension.

Will you guys quit
with the next dimension stuff?

It didn't happen, OK?

Oh, but it did. I saw it with my own eyes.

There she was, swinging higher, higher.

Then, finally she reached
the very top of the swing set

and disappeared into a blinding light.

Blinding light? But Spinelli,
that could have been the sun in your eyes.

Oh, no, Gretchen,
my poor, simple Gretchen.

It was swinger girl
breaking through the barrier.

But Spinelli, how do you know?

I know because I know.

There's only one way
to know something, Spinelli,

and that's by your senses.

From what you see,
and hear, and smell, and feel.

Not so. There is another way to know,

and that's by what's in here.

And what's in here tells me
that swinger girl did go over the top.

She swung on through to the other side,
disappeared into another dimension,

and she's never coming back, never!

[car door closing]

[Swinger Girl] See you later, mom.

Hi.

Swinger girl, is that you?

Hey there, Spinelli. What's going on?

But I thought you went
over the top and disappeared.

Over the top? Oh, you mean last week.
[chuckle]

No, almost made it,
but then my mom showed up,

-so I jumped off and went home.
-[gasps]

Where have you been all week?

On vacation.

Missed the whole week of swinging,

but it was the only time
my dad could get off work.

Got this real neat plastic
Statue of Liberty, though.

But that means none of it was true.

[kids murmuring]

Here's your dumb hat, Spinelli.

Yeah, thanks for nothing.

But... but... I was sure.

I was so sure!

You OK, Spinelli?

Yeah. It's just... I guess
I wanted to believe so bad,

that I got carried away.

You guys must think I'm a real idiot.

On the contrary.
We're actually kind of impressed.

Impressed? Why?

Well, some of what you said
was kind of out there,

but a lot of it was really cool.

Yeah, like never hurting
the guy next to you.

And always trying to go over the top.

And never giving up no matter what.

Those are good ideas, Spinelli.

Really good ideas.

Well, maybe.

[sigh]
Listen, if you guys don't mind,

I think I'd like
to be alone for a while, OK?

Sure, Spinelli. We'll see you later.

Never give up trying to go over the top?

[scoffing]
Yeah, right.

Hey, swinger girl, mind if I join you?

Sure. Pull up a swing.

[bell ringing]