02x15 - Hall Monitor/Harold's Bar Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(BELL RINGS)
ARNOLD: Well,
here we go again.

Another day with
Helga the horrible.

Cheer up, Arnold.
It's Helga's last day
as hall monitor.

How bad could it be?

All right, people.
Step it up!

Keep moving,
keep moving.
That's right.

No clogging
the halls.

That's enough, son.
Save some
for the fishes.

(CHUCKLES)

What's this?
Loitering in the halls?

Holding up traffic,
defacing the
school property.

No, I was just
tying my shoe.

Yeah, yeah.
Move it or lose it, bucko.

(SIGHS) I love being
hall monitor.

Man, I do not care
who the next
hall monitor is,

as long as it's not
Helga G. Pataki.

(BELL RINGS)
You said it, Gerald.

Uh, let's all thank
Helga Pataki

for her month
of service to P.S. 118

as hall monitor,

and she certainly
has been dedicated.

We have never before
had a hall monitor

who personally made sure
no one stepped on
the cracks in the tile.

Thank you, Helga.
You're welcome.

This is our tradition
here in P.S. 118,

the retiring hall monitor
gets to select
the next officer.

Helga, have you
chosen your replacement?

Well, actually,
Mr. Principal Wartz,

I was thinking
of volunteering
for a second term.

(ALL GROANING)

Grr!

Now, Helga,
your dedication
is to be commended,

but there does come
a time for every
public servant

to turn in
the revered badge
and move on.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Fine. I pick...

ALL: Me!

HELGA: Phoebe.
Phoebe?

Phoebe?
Me?

(PARADE MUSIC PLAYING)

Congratulations to our
new hall monitor,

Phoebe Heyerdahl.

(ALL CHEERING)

But, Helga...

Uh, Helga,
don't take this
the wrong way,

I mean, I appreciate
your vote of confidence,
it's just that...

I don't think I would
make a very good
hall monitor.

Oh, you're just nervous.

There's nothing to it.
Just do like I do.

But that's just it.

I'm not like you, Helga.

Look, Phoebe,

hall monitor is
the greatest job
there is.

I mean, the perks
are incredible.

Free hall passes,

extra trips
to the water fountain,

and you get to boss
other kids around.

I couldn't let this job
go to just anyone.

I picked you because
you're my best friend.

Really?
Really.

(GIGGLES)
Well, thanks, Helga.

I'll do my best
to uphold the title
of hall monitor.

Never mind that.

Just make sure I still get
my lunch line privilege.

(SHOUTING)

Okay, Phoebe,
you're on.

Get out there
and round 'em up.

Excuse me.

Um, ahem, sir...

(BELL RINGS)
Uh, pardon me, but...

(PHOEBE SCREAMS)
(CRASHES)

Phoebe!
Are you all right?

Phoebe, say something!

I quit.

Phoebe, look. I admit,

when I first asked you
to be hall monitor,

I had my own interests
at heart.

But now, it's different.

Now it's a challenge.

We can make a hall monitor
out of you yet.

Helga, I appreciate
your trying,
I really do.

But let's face it,

the situation
is insurmountable.

It's hopeless.
Wait. Phoebe!

Maybe you're right.

Maybe you are a bit
too soft-spoken.

Or shall we say,
a bit too intellectual
to be a hall monitor.

But that's exactly
why you can't quit.

I don't get it.

Do you want to be
the kinda kid

who lets people
walk all over you
all the time?

Ow! Sorry!
No, but...

The kinda kid
who gets talked over,
(BELL RINGS)

stepped on,
and pushed down?

Ow!

Watch that elbow.
Whoa!

Excuse me, my fault. Ow!

No, Helga, but...

Please move!

This won't go away,
you know.

Sure you can
quit this,

but what happens
on your next job,

and your next?
Are you gonna let
a problem like this

keep you from being,
say, president?
(THUDDING)

Sooner or later,

you have to learn
to stand up
for yourself.

Phoebe, are you
listening to me?

Wow. A first grader
stepped on my glasses,

and I was still
wearing them.

(SIGHS)
You know something,
Helga?

You're absolutely right.

All my life,
I've been a follower.

I've let other people
push me around,
take cuts in line,

borrow my pencils
and never return them.

Well, not anymore.

This is it!
Out with the old Phoebe,

in with the new!

That's the spirit!

I'll have you acting
just like me in no time.

Ow!

Okay, I'm gonna run
down this hall here

and you're gonna
tell me to stop.

Okay.

Whee! Look at me,
I'm running.

I'm breaking the rules!

I'm deliberately
flouting authority!

Whee!
Excuse me...

Can't hear you!

Excuse me!

Yoo-hoo!
Stop running!

Uh-uh, that's not
gonna stop me.

Go ahead, give me
all you got!

Oh, brother.
This isn't gonna be easy.

Now let's say
someone's taking
a drink of water here,

and I take cuts
to the fountain.
What do you do?

Uh, no cuts,
no buts, no coconuts?

No, like this.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Oh!

(BLOWS WHISTLE) You! Halt!

Not bad!

Phoebe, you're gonna
do just fine.

(BELL RINGS)

Ahem!

All right, everyone.

Let's all walk nicely
on our way to class.

Excuse me, Sid,

no shoving, please.

Yeah, right.

Excuse me,
I said, no shoving.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I said...

Uh, you're the boss.

Oh, hi, Phoebe.
How's it going?

Did you see that?

No. What happened?

I just made a kid
listen to me.

Maybe you're right, Helga.
Maybe I can do this.

I'm sure you can, Phoebe.
It's all in the attitude.

That's enough, son.
Save some for the fishes.

(BELL RINGS)

Man, oh, man, Arnold!

I thought you said
hall monitors couldn't
get any worse than Helga.

That's what
I thought before...

Field Marshal Phoebe.

You, halt!
(GASPS)

Do you have any idea
how fast you were
going there, son?

I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.

I have to get
to a pre-algebra test,

and I just thought that...

You just thought, eh?

Did you ever just think
about the safety
of the other students?

What if at that exact moment,

the lunch lady was
walking by with a tray
of meat hash surprise?

Well, I guess
I didn't consider that.

Tell you what, son,
you take all the time
you need to think it over

in detention!

Hmm. Way to go, Phoebes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I love being
hall monitor.

Stay to the right,
young lady!

Man, she used to be
such a nice, quiet girl.

Did you hear about
that monster truck show?

Wish we could go.
Can't.

I've got detention.
I know, me too.

Look at these.
One for walking
too fast,

one for walking
too slow,

one for turning a corner
too sharply,

one for turning too wide,
one for squeaky shoes,

one for suspiciously
quiet shoes,

and these are just from
this morning!

What's this?

One for littering.

Hey, no cutting!

Executive privilege.

I've got my eye
on that last
tapioca pudding.

Pataki, no cutting.

(LAUGHS) Good one, Phoebe.

That rule
is for little people.

Remember,
I'm above the law.

No one's
above the law, Helga.

Phoebe, did you forget
who you're talking to here?

It's me, Helga!

The one who put you
on the map, remember?

Cutting is against
the rules.

I'm gonna have to
write you up for detention.

Phoebe! Get real!

Helga Pataki
doesn't do detention.

Besides, I've got tickets
to the monster truck show.

I was gonna take you.

No, you get real,
Pataki.

You're the one who taught me
not to let anyone
push me around.

Well, I'm not letting
anyone push me around,

and that includes you.

And one more thing,
I despise
monster truck shows!

See you in detention.

When I told you
not to let anyone
push you around,

I didn't mean me.

Phoebe?

Phoebe!
(LAUGHTER)

You know, Phoebe,
I was wrong about you.

You sure were.

Guess I'm not
that little mouse

who lets everyone
push her around
anymore, am I?

You missed a spot.

No, you're something worse.

You're a power-hungry,
hall monitoring bully!

(ALL GASP)

But you say that
like it's a bad thing.

Phoebe,
in the last week,

you've screamed
at kids in the halls,

you've rationed water
at the drinking fountain,

you've given out
more tickets
than a lottery.

I mean, look around!

Half of our class
is sitting here
in detention.

So what?
I'm just acting like you.

You're the one
who taught me
to be this way.

Yeah, well,
you didn't have to be
such a good student.

What happened to
the old Phoebe
I used to know?

(ALL AGREEING)

GERALD: Helga's right.

I heard that
she's pretty rude.

What? The old Phoebe
who let kids
push her around?

Forget it, she's gone.

And no one misses her.

I do.

You do?
Well, sure.

What about the old Phoebe,
who used to be
my best friend?

What about the old Phoebe
who used to help me
with my homework?

What about the old Phoebe
who used to always
let us use her pencil

when we forgot
to bring one?

And what about
the old Phoebe,

who used to eat
all the crust off
my sandwiches

and give me the middle?

We want
the old Phoebe back!

ALL: Yes! Yes!

Gee, have I really gotten
that bad lately?

Phoebe,
take a look here.

Look into
that reflection.
What do you see?

(SCREAMS)

Hey, it's not that scary.

Yes, it is!
I've lost
the old Phoebe.

Deep down,
I don't really want to be

this horrible,
bossy, scary,

selfish,
emotionally-challenged person

who has to order
people around
just to get respect.

Who'd want
to be like that?

You know something?
I'm going back
to the old Phoebe.

ALL: Yay!

I don't need this badge
to get respect.

Or this whistle,
or this book of tickets.

I don't need
any of this stuff.

I can get everyone's
respect and attention
just by being myself.

Right everyone?

Everyone?
(DOOR SLAMS)

Right, Phoebe.
I'm really
proud of you

for being strong enough
to be yourself.

Come on, let's go
get a soda.

Great idea.
I'll be right there.

You, halt!

Phoebe?
Coming, Helga.

Hey, Harold,
you want to play
stick ball with us?

Uh, got to go
do my lessons.

But, well, okay.

Give me that ball.

Hey, I wasn't ready.

Is there a problem
here, Chaim?

Oh, uh, hi,
Rabbi Goldberg.

No, I was just
playing with some
of my friends.

Well, it's time
we went inside.

What in the name
of criminy is this?

What's Harold doing?
Learning Chinese?

That's not Chinese,
Gerald.

It's Hebrew.
What does it
say in Hebrew?

Bar Mitzvah.

It says
Bar Mitzvah, okay?

Bar what-sfah?

Bar Mitzvah.
And mine's this Saturday.
Gotta go.

(HAROLD READING HEBREW)

Blessed are thou,
O Lord...

Helech...
Melech.

Have you been
practicing your
Torah portion?

Non-stop, Rabbi.
Non-stop.

Listen, Chaim...
Do you have to
call me that?

I'm Harold.

Chaim is a wonderful
Hebrew name
that means "life".

Here is the Torah
you'll be reading from.

Can't I just
use my booklet?

Reading a portion
from the Torah
and doing your haftarah

is part of what
becoming a Bar Mitzvah,

a man of duty,
of responsibility, is.

All rightey. I'll read
from the Torah,
say the blessings,

knock back
some grape juice and...

You'll use your own
kiddush cup,

and you'll bless
and cut the challah.

And then I'll get
my presents, right?

By the way, Rabbi,
just between
you and me,

how many presents
am I allowed to get?

(SPEAKS HEBREW)
Harold!

Hold your horses!

People will give you
presents, that's for sure.

But a Bar Mitzvah is
not all about presents.

It's about much more.

A 13-year-old
is seen as a man

in the eyes
of the Jewish people,

and being a man
means many
different things.

In ancient times,
it meant you could be
the head of a household,

work as a man
and make decisions

for the whole community.

(CHOMPING)

Glad I don't live
in ancient times.

You got anything
to wash this
challah down with?

Don't fill up
on the bread!

Now, the larger message
of the Bar Mitzvah
for you, Harold Berman,

is that you are
now responsible
for your actions.

You must try to
do what's right.

And it's not
always so easy.

Be a mensch,
a good person,

and do mitzvah,
good deeds.

That's what
growing up is about.

Do you remember the
three important things
we discussed last time?

Righteousness,
charity, and prayer?

Do the right thing,
help others, and pray.

Got you, Rabbi.

And practice, Harold.

Harold, are you
listening to me?

Look at me.
I must tell you,
I'm worried about you.

Are you going to be
ready for this Saturday?

It may not be
such a breeze.

This Shabbos,
you'll stand up
and be counted as a man.

(GULPS)

Listen, you're all
invited to my Bar Mitzvah,

and you
better be there.

And you better
get me something good.

Nothing cheap,
nothing girly.

Are you nervous about
your Bar Mitzvah, Harold?

Me? Nervous?

What, are you kidding?

RABBI: I'm worried
about you, Harold.

Stand up
and be counted.

In ancient times,
you had to work
like a man.

You're 13 now, Harold.

You must do
the work of a man.

Get water
from this well

and give it to all
these camels.
They're very thirsty.

I don't want
to be a man.

I just want
to have a party,

have fun, and get
lots of presents.

SHEENA:
A Bar Mitzvah's much more
than a party, Harold.

It's a special ceremony
at the synagogue.

And you're called up
to read in ancient Hebrew

from the Torah
of the old testament

for the first time
as a man.

And you wear
a yarmulke and a tallit.

See, that's a prayer shawl.

And you have to sing
in front of all of us.

That'll sure make
me nervous.

It's not just fun
and games anymore,
Harold.

Stand up and be
counted as a man.

And give my camel
some water, pink boy.

Mine, too, Mr. Man.

Come on, Harold.
Be responsible.

ALL: Be a man! Be a man!

Be a man!

(SCREAMS)

MARILYN: Aww, this is
a beautiful suit.

I just can't believe
my Harold is all grown up.

Here, son. I got you
a brand-new yarmulke.

(SNIFFLES)
Maybe you should review
your haftarah, Harold.

I know you'll
make us proud.

And try to keep
your shirt
tucked in, son.

RABBI:
This is your big day.

You'll be looked upon
as a man.

(SHAKILY) I gotta get
out of here.

Hey, you're looking
good, Harold.
It's your big day, huh?

I'm going to the synagogue
right now to get a good seat.

Come on, we can
walk there together.

I'm not going
to any synagogue.

What are you talking about?

I'm running away
to Elk Island
to live on my own.

You're running away?

But, Harold, it's your big
Bar Mitzvah today.

Don't remind me.

Look, Arnold,
I'm running away
and that's it.

I don't want to be a man.
I'm not ready.

But Harold...

I'm going
to the docks.

I'm gonna rent a canoe
and row to Elk Island.

I don't have to be
righteous, or give charity,

or pray,
or nothing like that.

Harold, wait.

I know.
We'll walk around
for a while,

and talk,
and then we'll go
to the synagogue.

No, I'm not
going there, Arnold.

Danny! Danny boy!

Danny!

Young man,
please help me.

I just lost
my little boy, Danny.

He was just here
a moment ago.

Danny!

Look, lady,
I'm sorry about Danny,

but I have to catch
the next bus,

get to the docks,
and rent a canoe.

Oh, Danny! Danny boy!

Weren't you ever separated
from your mother?

(WAILING)

Mommy!

Do you know where
my mommy is, mister?

I don't know anything
about your mommy,

and I'm not a mister.
I'm a kid, too.

What's your mom
look like?

Tall, and has...
(SNIFFLING)

hair!

(WAILING)

Maybe I should just
get him together

with that lady
who was yelling.

They could scream
and cry together.

Hey, lady!

Danny!
DANNY: Mommy!

Danny, you're safe!
You're safe!
Mommy!

Oh, thank you.

(BUS BRAKES HISSING)

I can't believe it!

If it wasn't for
that dumb kid
and that old lady,

I wouldn't have
missed my bus!

That was
a pretty nice thing
you did, Harold.

HAROLD: Yeah, yeah.

And now I have to
wait for the next bus!

(SIGHS) Might as well
get a Mr. Fudgie
in the meantime.

Friends, friends,
have faith.

I'm sure there's
a rational reason

why Harold's
not here yet.

I bet he's...
(PEOPLE MURMURING)

diligently practicing
even as we speak.

Hey, thanks.
Thanks a lot.

It's mine!
It's mine!

It's mine, come on!

I had it first!
Give it back!
It's mine!

Why don't you
just divide it
in half,

so you'll both
have some?

What do you know?
It's my ice cream.

Don't yell
at my friend!

Get... Get off of me!

(ARGUMENT CONTINUES)

Hold it! I know
what I'm gonna do.

I don't think I've ever
seen you give up
a popsicle before, Harold.

Yeah, well, those kids
wouldn't shut up!

Harold, a lot of people
are going to be disappointed
if you don't show up.

I told you,
I'm not ready.

I can't take
the responsibility.

That's a cute
little suit you got on.

And don't forget
your beanie.

It's not a beanie!

It's a yarmulke.

And I'm wearing
this suit and yarmulke

because today
is my Bar Mitzvah!

You may be dressed
in your Bar Mitzvah best,

but you're still a punk!

And I'm gonna
show you who's boss!

Say your prayers, kiddo.

(PRAYS IN HEBREW)
What are you saying?

Hey, you're weirding me out
with that gibberish.

I'm outta here!

(SIGHS)

Last stop. Docks.

Hey, I finally
made it to the docks.

Now I just have
to get my canoe
and row away from here,

and from Bar Mitzvahs
and from being
a grown-up.

Harold, listen.

You proved today
that you did learn
something from the Rabbi.

Remember that kid
and his mother?
Righteousness.

Remember that
popsicle you gave up?
Charity.

And the way you stood up
to that older kid?

You did it
with prayer.

You did
good things, Harold.

Righteousness,
charity, and prayer.

Yeah!

Arnold, you know,
I think you're right.

I did do
good things today.

You absolutely did!

And where are we
gonna go now, Harold?

Elk Island!

Untie the canoe
from the dock, Arnold!

Time's a wastin'!

I'm going to
your Bar Mitzvah.

And I know that
when you think about it,

you'll end up doing
the right thing.

My friends,
the Bar Mitzvah boy
is not here.

This is a tough time

in a young person's life

and we try our best
to help.

And I tried my best
with Harold.

I don't want to say
that I lost faith
in him, but...

Have some faith, Rabbi!

I'm here!

Today, I am a man.

(CHANTING IN HEBREW)

Chaim, you chanted
beautifully today

and made us all proud.

Mazel tov!
ALL: Mazel tov!

Can we eat now?

ARNOLD: Hey, Harold.
You surprised me.

You showed up
and you were great.

There's just one thing
I gotta know.

What happened
to Elk Island?

They wouldn't
rent me a canoe.
I was too young.

It's weird.

I'm old enough to have
all kinds of responsibility,

but I can't rent a canoe.

Look at him. Our little man.
Yeah.

No more acting
like a kid anymore.

Hey! Give me back
my yarmulke!

Mommy!

They took
my yarmulke!

(JEWISH MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hey! Hey!
(JEWISH MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hey! Hey!

♪ Hey! Hey!

♪ Hey! Hey!

♪ Hey! Hey!

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪