03x08 - Lint Catcher/Trial by Squire

[bunniefuu]

[" I'm from Another Dimension" by Brad Breeck plays]

It's gonna get a little weird Gonna get a little wild I ain't from 'round here I'm from another dimension Gonna get a little weird Gonna have a good time I ain't from 'round here I'm from another woo-hoo Yeh-heah I'm talking rainbows I'm talking puppies Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa Paaa It's gonna get a little weird Gonna get a little wild I ain't from 'round here I'm from another dimension [Song ends]

Oh, burrito Burrito I'll never let you go My little burrito Burrito, burrito, burrito We've got such a long way to go - # For me to eat you # - MARCO: Hey Star! [Screams]

Ow! Marco! What did I tell you about - Wait Marco! - Hi.

Oh, my goodness! I-It's so good to see you.

Um, what are you doing here? I missed it here, so, I decided to come back permanently.

[Toilet flushes]

TOM: # Burrito, burrito # - # I'll never let # - Tom? - Marco! - Tom! GUARD: Intruder! [Marco groans]

KNIGHTS: Hup, hup, hup.

Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Guys, guys, hey guys, it's all right.

It's just Marco.

I'm not an intruder.

King River said I could be a knight.

See? I got the cape and everything.

[laughs]

Look, he's got a cape.

[all laughing]

Ugh, River.

I'm so confused here.

You told Marco he could be a knight? Well, uh, yeah.

I never actually thought we'd see him again.

Ha ha! I'm sorry, Marco, but I'm afraid that's not how it works.

But King River gave me a knight's cape.

M for Mewni.

No, my boy, that's my meat blanket.

- Meat blanket?! - Yes.

I also have a cheese doily.

[sighs]

But I wore this thing every day.

- For weeks.

Weeks - I'm sorry, Marco, but becoming a knight is no easy task.

Yes.

It takes years of intense training, dear.

Yeah.

Years of intense training.

- He hasn't even been a squire.

- A squire? Hey, I can do that! River, are any of our knights in need of a squire? Wait, I've got it.

How about we set him up with Sir Pop Lock and Dropeth? Hmm? That old scamp! [Whispering]

Um, actually, he "pop, locked, and dropped".

You mean? Oh, my.

Star, why don't you have Marco stay with you? It will give you two a chance to catch up while we figure this out.

Wait, wait, wait.

I know a knight he can squire for.

Man, Star.

I'm sorry.

I feel like I just crash landed into your life.

Well, we figured it out.

Yeah um, cool.

Wow, heh.

Check out all these stairs.

Sure are a lot.

So, what does Jackie think about all this? Oh, well, she wasn't really into it, but you know me.

Ain't nobody telling me what to do.

[Chuckles]

That-that was a joke.

Actually, yeah, she-she broke up with me.

Well, I'm very sorry about that.

- So, are you and Tom - Yep! Oh, look, here's that door we were walking to.

[Lavabo laughing]

Found you! Ah, here's our guy, Sir Lavabo.

Hi! Ah, princess.

I will be with you shortly.

I have a job to finish.

There.

Every sock in the kingdom now has its mate.

How may I be of service? Well, I I got you a squire.

[Gasps]

My own squire? What do you call him? - Marco Diaz.

- What? I'm squiring for the laundry guy? Yeah.

This is Sir Lavabo.

He's super cool.

But I'd be way down here in the basement.

Actually, sub-basement.

So moody.

You're gonna love it.

Yeah, but, just the same, how about you princess me up something a little closer, like, say, something in the castle? Marco, just 'cause I'm a princess doesn't mean I can do anything I want.

Yeah, but if I'm all the way down here, we're never even gonna see each other.

[Growls]

You don't appreciate anything I do! Star, wait.

I didn't mean Marco Diaz, are you ready for your first quest? Yeah sure.

- What are we doing? - You must empty the lint catcher.

[Mocking Marco]

"Oh, hey Star!" "I just showed up out of nowhere.

" "Why don't you give me a job to do?" Okay, Marco, here's a job.

"No, not that job! Another job" [groans]

- Hello.

- Eclypsa.

They're giving you some outdoor time.

That's great.

I know.

And real dragon chains, too.

[Sighs]

They make a lady feel so free.

Oh, yeah, that's, uh, that's really awesome.

Can I sit? Sit, like, right there? [Grunts]

[exhales]

Thanks.

Here, take a load off.

Feed the birds.

Always makes me feel better.

I don't get how some people think it's okay to just drop into your life [with mouth full]

without so much as a head's up.

You know what I'm saying? And then you try to help him out, no appreciation.

- So, what's his name? - Huh? What? No, no, no, no, no, it's not like that.

Well, well, not anymore.

- It's just Marco.

- Well, Marco.

So, that's it.

Marco thinks that just because I'm a princess, I can get him whatever job he wants.

Well, can't you? No yes.

But that's not the point.

Well, now that he's here, do you want him to stay? Uh, yeah no? Ugh, I don't know.

Doesn't matter anyway.

I already made him a laundry squire.

He's squiring for the knight of the wash? Well, then your problem will take care of itself, dear.

- What's that supposed to mean? - No squire has ever survived more than a day in the laundry room.

It's the most dangerous place in the castle.

[Gasps]

Marco! I got to go.

Thanks for the popcorn.

That wasn't popcorn.

- Lavabo, where's Marco? - On his first quest, cleaning out the lint catcher, mi' lady.

Oh, no.

Sparkle slushie juice blast! Wait, princess! [Echoing]

Marco? Whoa! [Blows raspberry]

That was weird.

Marco! There you are.

[Whispers]

No, don't.

You're gonna wake it up.

- What? - No, I said.

- Don't.

You're gonna wake it up.

- What? [Sighs]

I said, you're going to wake it up.

[Slithering]

[screeching]

- Whoa! - Ugh! Whoa! Aah! [Music]

Aah! - Rolling thunder lightning blast! - Aah! [Grunts]

[shrieks]

No! [Star screaming]

[grunts]

Marco! [Belches]

Huh? [Loud belch]

[both grunt]

- Marco, are you okay? - We gotta get that fan moving.

[Monster rumbling]

[Marco grunting]

Hiya! [Grunts]

- It won't budge! - Wiggle harder! [Rumbling]

I'm coming, Marco.

- Ha, gotcha! - Whoa! [Monster screaming]

Fantastic exit beam! - Aah! - Aah! [Both grunt]

LAVABO: Bravo! Fantastique! Only one other squire has survived the lint catcher.

Me! Marco Diaz, you will make a fine squire - for the knights of the wash.

- [Chuckles]

Great.

- Thanks, I guess.

- Uh, Lavabo, can you give us a sec? I need to talk to Marco alone.

As you wish, Princess.

Long live the wash.

[Sighs]

Okay, listen, Marco.

Here's the thing.

A lot has changed in my life since you left.

It's complicated, but I finally figured out that I just need to be the best princess I can now.

And with you here it's really hard to Yeah, yeah.

I totally get it.

It was a crazy bad idea for me to do this without giving you a heads up.

I'll go back to Earth.

That's not what I meant.

Okay, can I, uh, take my hands off my face, please? I feel like I'm gonna run into something.

Okay, stop.

This is the place.

Sparkle glitter b*mb expand.

Okay, you can look now.

Wow.

Is that [gasps]

Whaaat? No way! I can't believe it! [Puppies whimpering]

My room! [Gasps]

All my stuff! My galactic kung fu doll.

[Gasps]

This is so great! - Marco, kneel.

- [Chuckles]

Uh, what? Marco, sit.

What are-are you doing? [Clears throat]

Head down, please.

I hereby declare that you, Marco Ubaldo Diaz, shall henceforth be my royal squire, to stay by my side in times of peace or danger, as my most trusted confidant and advisor.

To go clubbing with me even when he's too tired, to share his late night nachos, but most importantly to be my very best friend so long as we both shall live.

Amen.

- Do you accept? - I do.

Wait, do princesses even have squires? I'm a princess.

I can do what I want.

[PA beeps]

Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, Quest Buy is proud to host Quest Buy's 10,000th annual Squire Blowout, or whatever.

Marco, this is gonna be so much fun! Just a squire and his knight shopping, pop-locking, shop-locking.

- You know, you feel me, bro.

- I know that looked like it hurt.

Oh, it did, but I'll feel better as soon as we find this little beauty from the Quest Buy catalog.

[Gasps]

I've always wanted one! Sorry, Star, but that's not on the list.

Bo-o-o-o-om! BABY-MAN: Wow, that's so organized.

Look, it's got coupons attached to it.

- I like a coupon.

- [Chuckles]

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, man.

I dig your list.

Thanks.

It's every sale item of the Squire Blowout grouped together by aisle and availability.

I called ahead to check the inventory on each item.

That's cool.

A great squire is an organized squire.

- That's what I always say.

- Uh, great.

- Squire! - I'm Higgs.

That's Baby-Man.

- Hey! - And the old guy - is Old Guy.

- I'm old! - I'm M - He's Marco.

- This is his first blowout.

- Really? Huh.

I would've thought you a veteran with that fancy list of yours.

- Nope.

I don't know anything at all.

- Heh, nice.

Well, welcome to the community, Marco.

- I'm honored.

- I'm honored.

Oh, uh, just a little squire to squire advice, equipping your knight and making them look good is gonna be your most important task.

So you wanna get to the good stuff fast.

- The shelves clear out quickly.

- I plan on it.

- So, where are y'alls knights at? - Oh, they're over there.

That's Lady Whosits.

Baby-Man's knight.

[Growls, laughs]

And Old Man's knight, Sir Dashing of Muzzleton.

[Gasps]

Call me.

And this is my knight, Sir Stabby.

[Growls]

Higgs, I am in need of a wet wipe.

Oh, cool.

Duty calls.

See you at the starting line.

- Nerd.

- Okay.

- Did she just call me a nerd? - [Chuckles]

No.

Endearing nerd or something.

You know.

I don't know.

Come on, let's get a cart.

My lady, choose your steed.

[Neighs]

No.

No.

Oh, in your dreams.

[Gasps]

Giddy up, horsey! Whee! All right, here we go, boy! Hi-ho, rainbow! [PA beeps]

[clears throat]

Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, the 10,000th annual Squire Blowout is starting in now minutes.

- Wait, what? - Go! Go, go, go! Marco, giddy up! - Whee! - Aah! Marco, I think something's wrong with the wheels! Whoa! Ah.

[Knight laughing]

Here's my bolt, losers! - [laughs]

Thanks for the head start! - What? That old guy sabotaged our cart! [Gasps]

They're gonna get all the good items before us! Marco, it's all good.

We'll get the good stuff.

Let's just try to have fun.

See, fun! Now, let's go! I am buying everything! Whoo-hoo! Okay, what is item number one? Item number one is, uh, a chest plate.

We need a chest plate.

It's on aisle eight point nine.

Eight point nine, got it.

Yee-haw! Got mine! [Grunts]

I got mine.

- I goo-goo got mine.

- Hey, there's one left! Almost forgot.

Have fun wearing my face.

[Laughs]

That Baby-Man ruined the last chest plate.

I knew those squires were up to something.

They don't want me to have the good stuff.

[Tense music]

- Marco, I don't - Yes, I see it now.

I think you're making them out I've got it! We'll outsmart them.

We'll just go out of order.

- That way we can get ahead.

- Marco, chill.

I don't even wear chest plates.

I just wanna salvage my plan, that's all.

"A great squire is an organized squire.

" Yes! We've b*at the other squires to it.

[Gasps]

I want that one! Uh, oh, uh.

Actually, Star, I did the research on these guys, and it came down to these two.

They each ranked highest in their class on safety, growth rate, a knight horse power.

This one comes with an airbag.

So either of these should be good.

Oh, okay.

Well, I guess the airbag one.

Good choice.

[horse squeaks]

Okay, since we're right near the dragon repellant, I think we should Hey, that's our starter horse! What? I didn't take your horse.

I just saw you take it.

Now give it back.

Higgs, did you take their starter horse? No, siree.

Unh-unh.

- Are you calling my squire a liar? - Uh yes? - If you're calling my squire a liar - Oh, whoa! Then you're calling me a liar! Ugh, whatever, stabby dude.

- Take the horse.

We don't need it.

- Very well.

[Blows raspberry]

- Can you believe her? - It's all right, Marco.

I'll just pick out another one.

[Laughs]

Peace! - Are you serious?! - It's okay, Marco.

Listen, let's just get back to your list.

Look, look, look, look, look.

There's the dragon repellant.

- We need that, right? - [Sighs]

Yeah.

- Ugh, yep, that's the stuff.

- HIGGS: Yoo-hoo! [Dragons growling]

Oh, no.

[Dragons growling, Marco screaming]

Apparently, we've got dragons on aisle 14.

2 again.

Shoo.

Shoo.

[Sighs]

This is not my department.

[Coughs]

Uh, please get off.

[Coughing]

Uh, whoopsie.

Did you mean to get this one? Easy mistake.

They look so similar.

[Growling]

You wanna tell me why you're being such a jerk? Listen, wannabe, you think it's easy being a squire? All of my waking hours I'm weaving chain mail, sharpening swords.

I'm always at my knight's beck and call.

I've even learned how to polish armor in my sleep.

But what did you do to earn this job? Oh, nothing.

It was handed to you because you're the princess' boyfriend.

What? I'm not her boyfriend.

Interesting.

Guess it was handed to you out of pity, then, huh? [Growls]

Star! - Marco! - I'm here, Star.

- Under the dragon butt.

- Oh.

Scram, lizard.

[Growls]

Sk-Sk-Skidaddle! Well, I think that's enough fun for one squire.

What say we call it a day, Marco? The sale's almost over, anyway.

No! There's still one thing left on my list, Star.

Armor wax.

There's just one bottle left.

I called ahead to check.

We have to get it before those other squires! Uh, Marco, no offense, but you're looking kinda sweaty.

Like sweatier than usual.

Hey, maybe let's just, you know - Mount the cart! - Okay! [Music]

[Gasps]

Don't let them get that! [Both laughing]

[shrieks]

Marco! Aah! Oh, that's it! Aah! Aah! [laughs]

Yes! [Groaning]

- Marco! - What? [Groaning]

Oh, I didn't trip her that hard.

- What? She's faking it.

- [Sighs]

Here.

Ha! [Laughs]

Thanks for the wax, losers! Let's check out.

- Dude, you have got to chill.

- What? Why?! I'm just trying to get you the best stuff! I'm sorry.

I just really wanted to show everyone that I was truly worthy of being your squire.

But maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Why did you appoint me as your squire in the first place? I'm terrible at it.

I didn't get you any gear, and you're gonna look like a joke in front of all the other knights.

Okay, first of all, I am a princess.

So I'm gonna look great no matter what.

Second, I knew how excited you were about coming back to Mewni so I bent the rules a little.

I'm a princess, not a knight.

I don't need the stuff actual knights need.

I've got, like, a magic wand? The whole point of making you my squire was so we could hang out again and just do silly stuff.

[PA beeps]

Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, only one minute remains in this year's Squire Blowout sale.

- All right, come on.

- Huh? But wait, wait, wait.

- Marco, I just told you I don't need the - I know, I know.

Come on.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Got you this really shiny shield.

- Not shiny enough.

[Gasps]

It's beautiful! Hey, Marco, I challenge you to a duel - A duel of silliness! - I accept your challenge! [Both exclaiming]

Hey, what do they think they're doing? That's not knight gear.

That's just silly, random, fun stuff.

- Ugh.

- Clever squire.

Salami.

I'd never see that coming.

[Groans]

Uh, did you really mean to grab two of these defective happy gnomes? [Pops]

BOTH: Yes, yes, we did.

[Both laughing]

[Music]

# She's a princess winning battles # Through the break of dawn Don't worry when it's night 'cause She will keep the lights on Oh, there goes a shining star - # Evil won't deter her # - # No, sir! # - # 'Cause magic flows through her # - # Star Butterfly! # She is a shining star