21x04 - The Munchurian Candidate

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those ♪
♪ Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who ♪
♪ Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, look at this, Peter,
a new restaurant in town.

What a lightning bolt to the balls

for a couple of schmoes like us, huh?

I know, I can't believe Quahog
finally got a His and Hers.

Check it out: I can drink beer,

watch sports, and play Pop-A-sh*t
right here at the table.

And I can drink wine and scroll
through Bonnie's Facebook,

secretly enjoying
that she has an ugly baby.

(SIGHS) Look at that thing's eyes.

You know, maybe one glass
a night wasn't fine.

Hey, folks. We ready to order?

I think so.

Shall I cover your ears
for your wife's menu questions?

That'd be great.

Yeah, are you able to do the salmon

but without the dill cream?

Sorry, no substitutions.
We're a d*ck restaurant.

Hmm. Then I'll have
the fettuccine Alfredo.

And my Instagram will have
the watercress salad.

And for you, sir?

How much is that tomahawk rib eye?

- $ ...
- Kid's personal pan pizza.

Great, and if you folks need
anything else,

I'll be invisible.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)

Remember this, Peter? Remember us?

I do remember us. I miss us.

When we get home, let's do it
so loud, the kids wake up.

Yeah, let's do it on the couch
where we all gather as a family

and watch television.

ANNOUNCER: Family Guy is
brought to you by Parent Sex.

Parent Sex: It happens in rooms

that you hang out in and watch TV.

Maybe even right there
where you're sitting now.

Pretty gross, right?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen, we have work to do.

- (SAW WHIRRING LOUDLY)
- Son of a bitch.

Just when I'm onto
something good, really good.

Hey, what the hell's going on out here?

You got a permit, pal? Huh?

Hey, guys, I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna toss this dog
a b*ating real quick.

Wait, what?

Easy there, Gussy, I know this guy.

Why don't you go get
yourself a sandwich?

Can-can I leave the wrappers
in the bushes?

All right, you can leave
the wrappers in the bushes.

Guys, he said we can.

Stewie, what's happening?

I'm trying to write,
and all I hear is banging.

Oh, yeah, check it out.

I'm having these guys
put up a tree house.

Sort of like a man cave/dance
studio kind of deal.

Why don't you stop by later
and I'll give you the tour?

- Tell Chris, too.
- Sure, I'm free.

- Is that Lois's sweater?
- Cardigans are unisex.

♪ ♪

So, Loey, how was the big date night?

Wonderful date night.
Great, great, great.

Yeah, I'm still not...
not completely sold on "Loey."

(CHUCKLING): So, tell us, tell us...

after you had dinner, how was the pork?

(LAUGHING)

Who is this bitch?

Uh, it was good.
Yeah, it was really nice.

Oh, no, you're not
getting off that easy.

Oh, classic Loey trying
to dodge the question.

Seriously, who is this
froggy little bitch?

How come she's sitting with us?

Now, about the sex, though,
I just... how do I put this?

Let's just say Peter doesn't always...

Munchausen my proxy.

What do you mean?

Well, he doesn't always go to Australia.

You know, the land down under.

ALL: Oh...

He's just never liked it. I don't know.

I-I guess it's not a requirement,

but, yeah, I do like having the option.

You know, Joe and I went to a
sex therapist after his accident.

She really helped us,
turned him into a real spelunker.

I'm sorry.

The six-year-old birthday party
has asked if you could...

(QUIETLY): keep your voices down.

♪ ♪

Oh, there they are. The boys.

- Come on in, fellas.
- Dang, Stewie.

This is a legit little pad you got here.

(FLOOR CREAKS)

Yeah, that one spot creaks a little.

- I might have them look at it.
- Oh, I-I didn't even notice.

So, yeah, you know,
pretty self-explanatory.

Couch, plasma, kind of a little
office nook over there.

And...

- Hey-yo!
- Boom.

Photo booth with props,
if anyone's feeling sassy.

Eh? Eh?

Um, yes. Yes.

But, uh, do you mind
if we take a rain check?

I got to take Chris to baseball
in like five minutes.

Well, come by later.
Maybe we can watch a movie or something.

Wow, that's super generous
of you, Stewie.

This place is dope.

♪ ♪

You see that, Rupert, they like it.

This place might just be my masterpiece.

♪ ♪

BRIAN: Okay, wow.

What... the hell... was that?

CHRIS: So we're on the same page?

I thought I was nuts.

- BRIAN: Brutal, right?
- CHRIS: Oh, brutal.

BRIAN: I have no idea
what he's going for up there.

CHRIS: That's the thing. I
don't think he does either.

(BRIAN AND CHRIS LAUGHING)

CHRIS: I'm sorry, he wants us
to come watch a movie up there?

(CHUCKLING): On a Vizio?

Oh, is that what he was saying?

I couldn't hear a word
over those floorboards creaking.

Oh, my God. Creak City.

BRIAN: Poor guy. Just has no
idea. And, like, nothing to eat?

CHRIS: Like, dude, go to Costco,

grab some of those frozen quiches.

BRIAN: It's not like he
didn't know we were coming.

CHRIS: Oh, poor Stewie.
What are you gonna do?

BRIAN: I'll tell you
what I'm not gonna do.

A photo sh**t with a top hat and a boa.

(BRIAN AND CHRIS LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

So, Peter...

Oh, big surprise.
Take her side, why don't you?

Peter, let's take a breath.
We're just here to talk.

So, Lois tells me you don't like
doing everything in the bedroom.

(SIGHS)

Listen, if he's too shy
to talk about this,

we could always try hypnosis.

Oh, how would that work?

Well, we get him
in a very relaxed state,

and I give him what's called
a "trigger phrase."

It's essentially training the brain

to behave a certain way
every time he hears it.

You can do that?

Just kind of make me zone out during?

That's the idea, yeah.

Whenever you hear the trigger phrase,

you just imagine yourself
sitting on a beach,

eating an ice cream cone.

I don't hate that.

Go ahead and close your eyes for me.

Try to relax.
We are now in a tranquil place.

Leaving the cares and concerns
of the physical world behind.

Peter,

we are now in our suspended state.

And from now on,
whenever you hear the words...

♪ Extra, extra ♪

Sorry, I get push notifications

whenever Chrissy Teigen
cyberbullies a nobody.

What was that phrase again?

Vanilla ice cream.

Huh, anything?

Um...

My elbows are itchy?

(SIGHING): Oh, well, we tried.

Sorry, Lois.

I guess I'll just go make
some sad spaghetti.

(SIGHS)

♪ Extra, extra ♪

(LATIN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Corazón.

♪ ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

♪ ♪

Peter, last night was amazing.

Oh, when I farted
the Pledge of Allegiance?

Yeah, I tell you,

things got a little dicey there
on "indivisible."

You really don't remember?

Wow, that hypnosis works.

Well, I got to get in the shower.

You know, 'cause of
that "indivisible" part.

♪ Extra, extra ♪

I'm just gonna go ahead
and save this song on my phone.

CHRIS: Mom, what's for breakfast?

Shut up, you little turd!

ANNOUNCER: Parent Sex.
When your mom yells at you

through a closed door, that's why.

♪ ♪

♪ Extra, extra ♪

Wow, Mom and Dad have sure been watching

a lot of entertainment television.

LOIS: Yahtzee!

And apparently found their way
to the game closet.

Good morning, everyone. Who's hungry?

Hey, Dad, are you still okay
to bring me to Boy Scouts?

Oh, no, is that today? (GROANS)

I was hoping to get a little golf in.

I'll tell you what, I'll take Chris.

- You go have fun.
- What, really?

Yeah, no biggie.

Just don't forget we have dinner
at my parents' house later.

Aw, sweet. I can't wait to
spread ten minutes of fun

over five hours.

Boy, you two seem like
you're getting along well

- these days.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing, just...

You don't often give him a whole
Saturday to go play golf.

Oh, yeah, is that
my idiot dog's opinion?

I-I'm not... I'm not an idiot.

Well, you might not know this
because of the idiot thing, Brian,

but marriage is about give and take.

If my husband wants to go
play golf, he plays golf.

I keep him happy, he keeps me happy.

I'm not an idiot.

In fact, I would say...
I would say I'm very smart for a dog.

All right, I'm off.

Thanks again for letting
me do this, Lois.

Oh, before you go, can I...

Can I just talk to you
upstairs for one minute?

Just... I-I want to ask you something.

♪ Extra, extra ♪

LOIS (LAUGHS): Go fish.

♪ ♪

Hey, Stewie, you said
you wanted us to see...

Whoa, what happened in here?

♪ ♪

Okay. (LAUGHS) Okay, now we're talking.

- Stewie, this is incredible.
- Oh, yeah, you like?

The old place just didn't really...

didn't have much of a vibe, you know?

Well, it sure as hell has a vibe now.

Yup, there he is. Nolan Ryan.

Von Ryan's Express. Eh?

Oh, I happened to be over
at Costco today

and I grabbed some of these quiches.

You guys ever try these?

Ooh, very cool. Love these things.

Gracias, Stewie.

Yeah, so, you know,
added a little workout area.

Oh, I got that creak taken care of, too.

See? Nothing.

Wait, that's not the same TV, right?

Good eye. Yeah, I looked up Vizios

and realized they're kind of crap.

(INHALES) Ended up going with the Sony.

Excellent choice going with the Sony.

Can't go wrong there.

Well, congratulations, Stewie.

You officially have a kick-ass man cave.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
it was great before.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is, I mean, this is a man cave.

Agree. You know who would love this?

Eric.

Oh, yeah, this is right up Eric's alley.

I mean, would-would you mind
if we brought a buddy?

Yeah. Bring Eric, bring whoever.

Eric'll love Stewie, don't you think?

Totally. How have they never met?

A wrong that will soon
be righted, my friend.

All right, Stewie, we'll see you later.

Yeah, yeah. See you guys in a bit.

Peace, brah.

BRIAN (LAUGHS): Wow, it's all so cliché.

CHRIS: Cliché and just desperate.

Literally not one thing
about that place says "Stewie."

BRIAN: It's like he googled
"man cave" and said, "That."

I mean, Nolan Ryan?

CHRIS: Oh, I know, I know.

BRIAN: He really solved
the TV problem, huh?

CHRIS: Everybody
knows LG is the way to go.

But what does Consumer Reports
know, right?

(BRIAN LAUGHING)

CHRIS: I wouldn't bring Eric
within a hundred yards of that place.

BRIAN: Eric would be miserable up there.

CHRIS: I could see him punching Stewie.

That's it. Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice... you have to die.

CHRIS: Not to nitpick,

but those weren't even
the right frozen quiches.

BRIAN: Yeah, not great.

CHRIS: I spit mine out in a napkin

and put it in his "workout area."

BRIAN: Well, I think we
know he won't find it in there.

(BRIAN AND CHRIS LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

I'm sorry your mother won't be
coming downstairs for dinner.

I know, that damn sciatica.

You know, she's got to go see a doctor.

The kids really wanted to be here,

but they're watching strangers
play video games on Twitch.

BABS: Lois, would you be a
dear and make a plate for me?

Peter, I'm gonna open a bottle of wine.

Do you mind making a plate
and bringing it up for Mommy?

Yeah, I can do that.
Maybe open a couple bottles.

Oh, oh, why? Did you, did you bring one?

I didn't. But you always say...

Well, you typically say,
"Help yourself."

One bottle ought to be plenty.

Hey, Babs,

I got something I think'll
make you feel better.

Sounds like a hippo
clomping around up there.

Ugh, I feel so sorry for Mommy.

Don't worry about your mother.

She's got her celebrity news
programs up there

- keeping her company.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah, right.

♪ ♪

Wait, celebrity news?
(GASPS) What time is it?

Just about : . Why?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

♪ Extra, extra ♪

(GROANS)

Peter, no! Peter!

(HAWAIIAN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING)

LOIS: Peter!

Peter!

♪ ♪

Peter!

Peter...!

(SCREAMING)

Ah...

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

- (TURNS RADIO ON)
- ♪ Just eat it ♪

- ♪ Just eat it ♪
- ♪ Eat... ♪

(TURNS RADIO OFF)

♪ ♪

Stewie, you here?

Got your text, so let's see
that "best tennis ball ever."

STEWIE: Hey.

Didn't hear you guys come in.

Stewie.

Hey, we were just saying
how cozy it feels in here.

Yeah, Brian used the term
"lived-in," and I totally agree.

There's just this real welcoming vibe...

Right. Oh, good.

Welcoming is exactly
what I was going for.

(SCREAMING)

Wh-What the hell, Stewie?

What the hell was that ab...?

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

You two think I don't know
what's going on?

I've heard every word you two said
about me and about my man cave.

So... you know how much we love it.

Ow! And for no reason!

I bought a thousand
of these frozen quiches.

And you two are gonna eat
every... last... one of them.

(GULPING)

There you go. Good boy.

Those aren't the...

They're not the chicken sausage
ones again, are they?

They are the chicken sausage.

Do, um, do you mind if I get
a glass of water, then?

I just, um...

I just found them a little dry, is all.

Oh, were they dry?

You know, for my taste
they were a little...

(GULPING)

(MUFFLED GROANING)

(BRAKES SCREECH SOFTLY)

(TURN SIGNAL CLICKING)

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪

Hey, Stewie, come on.
Let us out of here.

Stewie?

Chris, now's our chance.
We got to get out of here.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

Heading somewhere?

Stewie.

No. No.

My own brother.

My so-called best friend.

I trusted you.

I invited you into my man cave,
and all you did was humiliate me.

Stewie, no. Please don't k*ll me.

Wait. Did, did, did you make that?

What? Of course I did. Why?

Wow. No, it's just...

I-I just don't know
how you're able to make

such cool weapons at your age.

Wow, that is really well-made.
Holy crap.

Do you have any others?

- Yeah, of course I have more.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, I have like a hundred...
Wait a minute.

You're not gonna win me over
with flattery.

♪ ♪

Is there... is there
anything else you like about it?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I mean,

ch-check out how sturdy
the sight bridge is.

First thing I noticed, too, Chris.
And, of course, the cocking stirrup.

Yeah, very pretty.

Barnett makes a hell of a bow,
but this is probably

one of the nicest ones I've ever seen.

Anyway, Stewie, you can go ahead
and k*ll us now.

Listen, if you guys want,

I suppose I could show you
how to make one.

You'd do that?
Even after everything we...

Even after everything Chris said?

Of course I will. I love you guys.

We love you, too, Stewie.

Listen, go clean yourselves up.
I'm around.

Just come by whenever,
and I'll show you.

Thank you, Stewie.

Do you do parties here?

Because this is, like,
a good event space.

Eric is turning next month,
and we still don't have the venue.

I think we do now.

I'll put together a menu.

Any dietary restrictions I should know?

He says he's on a seafood diet.

He sees food, then he eats it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I got to meet this guy.
He sounds like a nut.

♪ ♪

Well, you know, Rupert,
I think the lesson here

is that maybe
I shouldn't be so concerned

with what other people think.

I should trust my instincts
and be myself...

(BRIAN AND CHRIS LAUGHING)

BRIAN: Oh, I can't believe he bought it.

CHRIS: Like we would ever
do Eric's nifty fifty up there.

BRIAN: And the table assignment
card station would be where exactly?

CHRIS: And that crossbow?

I mean, a Barnett is like, I don't know,

Thor's hammer compared to that thing.

BRIAN: When you pointed
out the cocking stirrup...

I mean, if you can call that one...

I thought I was gonna lose it.

CHRIS: Oh, I know. If you're gonna...

BRIAN: Oh, oh.
Hey, there he is, David Cross.

CHRIS: Riddick Bowe. The Crossbow Kid.

- (BOW SNAPS)
- CHRIS: Ow!

BRIAN: Stewie... Come on, Stewie.

- (BOW SNAPS)
- BRIAN: Aah!

MEG: Hey, Stewie.

Sorry, I couldn't find a shirt or a bra,

so I figured I'd just let 'em
flop around the hallway...

- (BOW SNAPS)
- (THUD)

Mom! Stewie sh*t himself.

There you go.

Get it all out.

Hey, guys.

- ♪ Extra, extra ♪
- Peter, no.

No, no, no, no!