16x01 - Who Smarted?

[bunniefuu]

So, Danuta, you still haven't said how you and Marco met.

Oh, no.

[chuckles]

Here we go.

Well, Marco here is the reigning champion on a certain quiz show on Langley Public Radio.

Oh, you mean Oo Oo, I Know That? A-ding ding dong.

When they asked him who his favorite philosopher was, he said, "I Kant remember.

" His wit was bone-dry, but I was quite the opposite.

[laughter]

Okay, soup.

This time you're mine.

Ow! That sneaky stuff just falls off the spoon so fast! Babe, remember, flip your spoon over so it's like a little bowl.

Ohhhhh! Like a little soup bowl - on a stick! - On a stick.

Yes, Jeff.

Very good, Jeff.

And how did you two meet? Oh, it's so hard to recall.

I fell into the touch t*nk at the aquarium! Hayley pulled me out.

Oh, that's right.

We're actually going to a benefit at the aquarium with Johanna this Johanna Gurney-Schaffner?! The host of This Way or That on Langley Public Radio?! Wha?! You hang out with her?! Oh, she's a dear friend.

We actually went to the new Almódovar film with her just last night.

Unngh! Have you seen it? Oh, I really wanted to, but Jeff kinda likes to watch the same movie over and over, so right now most nights we're watching The Land Before Time: The Secret of Saurus Rock.

Hayley has to explain a lot of it to me, but I'm this close to understanding that dragons couldn't actually talk.

Dinosaurs.

"Dino-snaurs.

" [patriotic music plays]

Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

[crickets chirping]

[Hayley and Jeff moaning and giggling]

HAYLEY: Ohh! Ooohhh! Mmmmmm Marco! JEFF: Polo! - HAYLEY: What? - JEFF: What? Wait just one minute.

[gasps]

You were thinking about Danuta's smarty-pants boyfriend! Jeff, I love you.

I just I can't even remember the last time we had an intelligent conversation about anything! We talked for hours about Mad Men! Because I had to keep explaining that you didn't have to be scared, because the men weren't mad at you! Well, maybe you should watch it with Narco.

- Marco.

- Polo! Oh, my God! Why are you so dumb?! [yelps]

Jeff, I'm sorry.

I-I just got frustrated.

- Where are you going? - Out! Jeff, those are my pants.

I know! I happen to, um like the way they make my butt look! [squishing]

KLAUS: Jeff! Lookin' good! [melancholy music plays]

Oh, man, what if Hayley leaves me because I'm too dumb for her? Who's gonna tie my shoes?! [whistles]

Hey.

Jeffy-boy! What up, man? Little moonlight stroll? Mr.

S? Why are you out so late? Collectin' critters.

Dr.

Weitzman needs animals for a new experiment he's doing at the CIA.

The agent that brings in the most gets to go to McDonald's in a limo! Whoa! Say, Roger was helping me, but he quit on me.

Got bit trying to nab a copperhead snake and just went straight to the emergency room, like a quitter.

You wanna help me out? [possum squeaks]

Mr.

S, can I talk to you about something? - Not if I turn on the radio! - [switch clicks]

- [gasps]

Critter! - [tires screech]

JOHANNA GURNEY-SCHAFFNER: This Way or That is made possible by the Arthur and Elaine T.

McKennon Foundation STAN [grunting]

: Get back here, you little creating a brighter generation through the power of public radio STAN: You're coming with me.

and SmutPile.

com.

Check it out.

Stray dog.

[man shouting indistinctly]

Can you change the station? This is that Jo-hannis Grundy ShniffShnaff lady Hayley loves so much.

Ugh! Yeah, I hate this nerd sh*t, too.

That nerd Francine must've been driving my car.

- Let's listen to some Stern! - [beep]

DANIEL STERN: A lotta people don't know this, but I was high every day of sh**t Slickers.

I'm of course talking about Daniel Stern's autobiography on Audible.

Also, Jack Palance was soooo strong.

Well, Misterrrr Pastafocaccia.

You seem to have fully recovered from your snakebite.

So that just leaves the small matter of uh, the bill! Sweet child o' mine! Why is it so darn much, Doc?! Because antivenom is scarce.

Yep, if someone went out right now and harvested venom from poisonous snakes, which is what antivenom is made from, they could make quite the pretty penny.

- Why are you telling me this? - I'm a doctor! I'm all about that sweet mmmmoney-money-money-money money-money-money-money money-money-mmmoney! Hmmm.

"Money, money, money, money," you say? No, like this Mmmmoney-money-money-money money-money-mmmoney! Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah.

Money-money-money-money! BOTH: Money-money-money-money money-money-money! Money-money-money-money money-money-money-money! Now Eskimo kisses! Money-money-money-money money-money-money! [flashers clicking]

Wait here while I run these bad boys on down to Dr.

Dubs.

What kind of experiment is the doctor working on, anyway? Eh, some kind of experimental surgery to increase intelligence or some crap.

[gasps]

Do you think he could do it to me? Dumb guy like you? I can see why you'd be interested.

But he still hasn't perfected the operation.

Most of these animals'll end up dimmer than an Amish Christmas tree.

[owl screeches]

I like that you screeched at my joke, wise old owl.

You I might just keep for myself.

Sure is spooky here after dark.

[ominous music, wind whooshes]

Aah! Babadook! I wish! It's just stupid old me.

I was making ramen on my hotplate, and the dang pot fell on my head.

Oh.

Phew! What are you doing here? My girlfriend kicked me out! Aw, that's awful, Mr.

Whoever-You-Are.

Take it from me, kid don't ever be in a relationship with someone smarter than you.

It won't last.

[door whooshes open]

Dr.

Wishbone I'd like to volunteer for your a-speriment.

Oh, I would love to have a human test subject, but you should know there's a 99% chance you'll end up brain-dead.

Uhhh, 99 out of a million? I think I'll take my chances.

[thud]

STAN: Tell you what, Screechy maybe the move is to track down this beautiful sicko.

Score ten dogs at once.

[owl screeches]

Dad, have you seen Jeff? He never came home last night.

Oh, yeah, he volunteered himself for a deadly experimental surgery at the CIA.

What?! Why didn't you stop him?! I guess I don't care whether he lives or dies.

Ughhh! - Hoo! - Jeff.

[tires screech, glass shatters]

Stop this atrocity at once! Oh, Hayley! I'm glad you're here.

As Jeff's legal guardian, you need to sign this release before I can do the operation.

You must be suckin' the glass [bleep]

if you think I am gonna give Jeff permission to go through with this "Intelligence Enhancement"? Out of curiosity, has this worked on any of your test animals? There's one goose that's now in Mensa.

[goose honks]

Did I get it right this time, Doc? Oh, if it isn't Babe.

Hopefully here to stop me from doing this super-dangerous thing.

- He's all yours, Doc! - Oh.

[saw whirring]

[pop!]

[beeping]

JEFF [weakly]

: H-Hayley? Dr.

Weitzman? Smart Goose? - Did it work? - Let's find out.

Which of the little people is wearing his hospital gown correctly? - This one.

- [Hayley and Dr.

Weitzman sigh]

seems to have had a bit of a sartorial snafu.

- Hm?! - He's taken his "privates" public, so to speak.

One might even call it an IPO an Ignominious Penile Ostentation.

[goose honks]

You can honk that again, Squawky.

Now, he will need to avoid marijuana, which could dull the effects of the procedure.

I can also tell you that is a fake diploma.

He's not wrong! [French accent]

Ah, Mr.

Fischer, welcome back! Shall I bring for you extra children's menus so you may attempt the maze as many times as you like? Merci, non.

Une bouteille de Châteauneuf-du-Pape et du pain pour la table, s'il vous plaît.

[American accent]

You have exposed my secret shame.

I am not French, nor do I speak the language.

Did Jeff take a ten-gallon Gingko enema this morning or what? 'Cause he seems, like, a billion times smarter than he used to be.

I know! Isn't it great? Per te, amore mio.

Say what you will about Seurat.

No one can accuse his art of being pointless.

That is so witty, it's almost funny.

You know, Johanna is hosting a small fundraiser for the McKennon Foundation at her lake house this weekend.

You guys should come.

[shrieks]

As they say in Reykjavík [speaking Icelandic]

What he said.

[bird screeching]

So, by now, Barry's going back to the Steve Madden a third time - [rattling]

- Shh, shh, shut up! Your story sucks, and I hear a rattler.

[rattling]

Oingo boingo! We got cornbread! Here.

Take some clackers and work that string bean - on outta there.

- [tongs clack]

What?! Why would I do that?! Because I'm Chazz Babylon, Speculative Venom Harvester.

And you're my bag man.

You told me you were Chico Dungaree, Former Twisted Sister Roadie, and that we were just going on a nature walk! Chazz Babylon is a pathological liar.

Now get clackin'! I will not! The world needs antivenom, Steve.

Think of how many lives we'll save.

[sighing]

All right.

We can try.

Okay, now first we gotta clack him outta that bush.

[tongs clacking]

- [snake hissing]

- Now hold up a second.

I wanna make sure we got a good one.

Ow! It's him! And he nipped me! - Oh, my God! - I got nipped! Quick, grab his tail! [screaming]

Ohh, he's mad now! Oh, he nipped me again! - I got nipped! You get nipped? - Ohh! Yow! I got nipped! - I got nipped! - I'm gettin' nipped! - Ohh! Ow! Oww! - Ohh! I'm gettin' nipped a whole bunch right now! Ow! Let's bag this sucker! - [screaming]

- Get him in there! Aah! - I'm trying! - [both screaming]

[both screaming]

Ah! We did it, Steve.

[Steve screaming, snake biting]

Oh, my God.

He doesn't have his clackers.

He's doomed! [Steve screaming]

[Vivaldi's Spring plays]

Wife.

Noun.

A woman who regrets a decision.

[laughter, fingers snapping]

What then of "husband"? The man who begets her derision.

[laughter]

More snaps! More snaps for you! Jeff, we simply have to have you as a contestant on Oo Oo, I Know That.

Johanna's going to be a guest panelist.

What do you say, Johanna? Certainly.

So long as he helps me with this devil of a New Yorker caption contest.

Any suggestions? JEFF: Hmm.

How about, "I've heard of a bull market, but this is ridiculous"? [laughter]

Or, "Of course on the day I wear my red tie.

" Or, "Everybody has been saying the new guy is horny.

" "Think that belt is real leather?" "I heard this place had fresh beef, but this is ridiculous!" [laughter continues]

Now you do one, babe.

Uhhhhhhh Business bull? - Ugh.

That's just - That doesn't quite connect.

- Nice try, but - Very, very bad.

[crickets chirping]

[snoring]

[ominous music plays]

[choking]

What th A weed gummy?! You know that could affect my treatment! Oh, my God! A-Are you trying to sabotage me?! ALEXA: Playing "Rabbitage" by Weird Al.

I'll nab cabbage - Alexa, off! - And do my da You know, Johanna was right about you.

You are pathologically insecure! Wh You've been talking to Johanna about us? First you risk my life to make me smarter, now you nearly k*ll me trying to dumb me back down?! I'm sorry, Jeff! I-I was scared you were getting too smart for me and But I should thank you.

Because now that I am smart, I finally see what a selfish person you are.

No, Jeff, please don't see that! I never cared you weren't the most erudite person in the world.

But I can't be with someone who's downright flagitious! [gasps]

[door slams]

- F-L - It means "villainous"! - I know what it means! - [door slams]

Well, Screechy, he did it.

He won the Tournament of Champions.

Hoo.

Don't make me say his name, Screech.

Hayley, honey? The ice-cream truck just came by.

I got you one of those [bleep]

-up Sonic the Hedgehogs.

[sighs]

Thanks, Mom.

You've just seemed so sad these last few months since Jeff left.

No, we've both moved on.

He's with Johanna now, and I'm happy with my new boyfriend ron.

Dahhh! Hey, Hayley! Lookit! I knocked it right outta its nest with a rock from all the way a long ways! Like, ungh! Myron! You're gonna get West Nile again! Aww! You got a Sonic bar?! Gimme! [munching]

Let's go to the old tire factory and whip this bird against the big rock! [chuckles and grunts]

[chuckling]

[sighs]

I wish Stan would take me places.

- Waaaaah! Rock-throw! - [glass shatters]

Million points! Hey, Hayley! You see that? [laughs]

Yes, Myron.

Very good, Myron.

I'll nab cabbage and Gouda Tenuta, what's nuts? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Marco's been missing for how long? Listen, I've been doing a lot of research.

Every male winner of the Tournament of Champions has gone missing a few weeks later.

And it has something to do with the McKennon Foundation.

Oh, Hayley, conspiracy theories are the refuge of the dispossessed.

Kava root ristretto? [slurps]

Jeff, please.

I think you may be in some kind of danger.

Only of losing my patience! Clearly, you've transmuted your guilt over destroying our relationship into this absurd fairy tale.

Well, enough.

It is over between us.

[Myron panting]

Forget about her, lover.

A brighter future awaits us.

Let's play at puns.

"Air Hare.

" Ten letters.

Hmm.

Kite Rabbit? Close.

But the answer is actually - Ether bunny! - [muffled scream]

Come now, Jeff.

Destiny calls.

[door bangs]

Wakey, wakey! Milk some snakeys! Time to get out there again, right back on the horse.

Clack clack clack! You must be suckin' the glass [bleep]

if you think I'm going back out with you.

You were never out to save lives.

You just wanted to make money.

It may have started out being about the money, but not anymore.

Well, maybe a little.

I did sink quite a bit into having all these T-shirts made.

But otherwise, now it's all about saving lives.

I won't rest until every snakebite victim has the antivenom they need! - [snake hisses]

- Aah! [ploink!]

- Aah! - [ploink!]

- Aah! - [ploink!]

- Aah! Aah! - [ploink! ploink!]

[ploink! ploink! ploink! ploink! ploink!]

- [snake hisses]

- Aah! I'm afraid you've single-handedly depleted the world's entire supply of antivenom.

Many have d*ed, and now you will, too.

Clack's all folks.

[monitor flatlines]

[gasps]

My Chazz! Noooooooo! [Jeff groans]

[gasps]

The Meisterzucht awakes! Wh-Where am I? At the threshold of a new age.

Welcome to the McKennon Foundation! Why are you doing this?! Why, to create a brighter generation, free of dumdums, dingdongs, and dingalings.

We use Oo Oo, I Know That to identify intellects of the highest genetic caliber, then harvest their seed to be disseminated [laughter]

Pun uh-very much intended.

[chuckles]

to fertility clinics the world over! And you, Jeff, you are the most smartest one of all! Der Meisterzucht! The Master Stud! Commence milking! [clang, machinery whirring]

[men screaming]

Yaaaaaaawwww! You might think this would feel good, but it's agonyyyyyy! [screaming]

[scream fades]

[whirring stops]

Ready the Meisterzucht for harvest! Wait! No! No! Listen! My genes are useless to you.

My intelligence stems from biomedical intervention! Uh, you don't think we already tried that old chestnut - [machinery clangs]

- My balls! Milk the Meisterzucht! Yah, Myron! Yah! Myron! att*ck! Rock! Bird! Bird! - Rock! Rat! - [grunting]

[all shouting]

Let's get outta here.

[banging]

You came for me.

Even though it means now you'll die, too.

What can I say? I think my problem all along has been, when it comes to you, I'm just a great big dummy.

[banging continues, man shouting]

We gotta think of a way out of here.

But those are some of the most intelligent people in the world out there.

We'll never outsmart them! No.

But we may be able to outstupid them.

I need to be dumb again, so I can think up a plan so stupid they could never expect it.

How?! We don't have any weed! The answer's as easy as autolobotomy.

[squishing]

[pop]

Have you ever wondered what the colors on maps mean? They gotta mean something.

Quick, what's your stupid plan? Since Vaseline is clear, once we cover ourselves in it we become absolutely, one-million-percent invisible.

Oh, wow.

This is stupid.

Seize them! - [squishing]

- Ugh! [squishing]

Uch! They're too damn slippery! - [squish]

- Whoo! [alarm blaring, machinery clanking]

[gasps]

The Spank t*nk! All our precious seed! CARTOON DINOSAUR: C'mon, Snugglesaurus.

We can still make it to the Great Valley.

You know what I'm wondering? If we maybe should've tried to save those other men in that basement? No.

Do you think all the dino-snaurs stayed friends when they were done sh**ting the movie? Babe, don't ever change.

Have a great night!