03x04 - Arnold's Room/Helga vs. Big Patty

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

MR. SIMMONS: Okay, class,

time to pick your partner

for the
history project.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Lorenzo, want to be my partner
on the history project?

Sure!

I was thinking of doing
the report on
the Apollo space program.

That sounds great

since I don't have
any ideas at all.

Why don't you come over
to my house after school,
and we'll get started.

Okay.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

Hey, Sid,
fetch your mitt.

We're all of us
going to play some ball.

I can't, you guys.
I'm going over
to Lorenzo's giant mansion

to work
on our project together.

Willikers!

You're lucky
you're Lorenzo's partner.

I reckon you're
the first kid
he's ever invited over.

Yeah, I think I am.

I guess that makes us

friends.

(BOUNCING ON TRAMPOLINE)

SID: Man,

I really like
your room, Lorenzo.
Thanks.

So, I'll work on the part
of the mission when
they were in the rocket ship,

and you research the part
when they walked
on the moon, okay?

You've got it, pal.

Can I play
with your trains again?

Sure. Let's get together again
tomorrow right after dinner
and keep working.

Fine with me.
Good.

What do you say we meet
at your room next time?

My room?
What's wrong with your room?

You have a great room.

I thought we'd switch
every other time.

Is there a problem
with your room?

No problem!
My room's great.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

It's a great room.

(SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

LORENZO: What do you say
we meet in your room
next time?

(ECHOING)
Next time? Next time?

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Is there a problem
with your room?

Oh, I can't let
Lorenzo see this room.

I've got it!

Hey, Arnold.
You just get your lunch?

What's going on, Sid?

Arnold, I have sort of
an interesting question
to ask you.

Can I borrow your room?

Borrow my room?

Just for, like,
two hours.

Or an hour
and a half.

Actually, you know what,
an hour.

Sid, what's wrong
with you?

Nothing.
I just need
your room.

And it's just
for an hour.

Me and Lorenzo.
Right after dinner.

Actually, that
could work out.

I'm meeting Gerald
at the library after dinner.

Arnold, you're
the greatest.

And I'll never ask you
for another favor.

Ever.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

So it's all set
for tonight, right?

Yes, I'll come
to your place
right after dinner.

SID: Good, here's
the address.

You'll like the way
I fixed it up.

It's very me.

Kind of an urban,

post-industrial Reebok
kind of place.

A Batcave, if you will.

A space age bachelor pad.

Really, uh,
sounds great.

I think.

Hey, Sid.
Hi, Arnold.

Thanks again for letting me
borrow your room.

So, there's just enough time
for you to get to the library
before it closes.

(INAUDIBLE)
See you in a while.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Lorenzo,
what a surprise!

Welcome to my room.

Thanks. Is...
Is that your grandfather
downstairs?

Uh, yes,
my grandfather.

It must be fun to live
with your grandparents

in an urban,
post-industrial
Reebok Batcave.

Oh, it is.

What's that?

Oh, my remote.
Watch this.

(STEREO BLARING MUSIC)
(GROANS)

(MUSIC SHUFFLING RAPIDLY)

ALARM: Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold.

Hey, Arnold.
Whoa! Ow!

I meant to do that.

Want to ride the couch?

No, thank you.
We should get started.

Oh, there's
your computer.

Let's power it up
and load in
the CD-ROM.

Well, you've entered
about 50 different passwords.

Oh, I've got a ton of them.
Can't be too secure, you know.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

LORENZO: Hmm.
"Access denied... Sucker!"

Well, what do you know.

We're out of time
anyway.

We can try the CD-ROM
tomorrow at my place.

Tomorrow
at your place.

Much better.
Your place.

See you tomorrow.

What are you doing, Sid?
Ahh!

Uh, just straightening up.

Well, got to go.
Bye.

You're the greatest, Arnold.

Thanks for the room.
Anytime, Sid.

So every other night,
I get to study
at Lorenzo's place.

He's got this huge train track
around his room.

You can crash the trains
and everything!

I'm going
over there tonight.

Looks like you two turned out
to be friends, huh, Sid?

Yeah, best friends!

Yup, everything's going
to be A-okay.

(DOG BARKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hey, Lorenzo.
Calling on your car phone?
That is so boss.

(INDISTINCT TALKING ON PHONE)
What?

Come over?
To my place? Now?

But I don't know, this
probably isn't the best time.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Hello? Lorenzo?

Hello? Oh, no.

Hello, Arnold? Sid.

Is your computer on?
Good, leave it on.
I'll be right over.

Hey, Sid,
what's up?

Lorenzo and I need
to borrow your room
and your computer again.

Just for an hour.
And I swear
this is the last time

and then I'll never ask you
for another favor
as long as I live.

Never ever?

(SIGHS)

Bring him up.
I'm just doing my homework.
I won't bother you guys.

No! You're out of the room.
That's the plan.

I mean, you should go out,
take an hour
to clear your head.

You've been
working too hard.

I know, take in a movie!

My treat. Go on,
have popcorn. Shoo!

(DOOR SLAMS)

I guess I'm going
to the movies, Grandpa.

Alrighty then, I guess
I'll save you some supper.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Your friend
Loredo's here.

Oh, thanks.

How'd you get rid
of Arnold, bribe him?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Grandpa.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Grandpa?

Now, wait a minute,
what's your name again?

He likes to joke.

Ah, well, don't mess
anything up in this room

or the short man
will have your head.

Who's the short man?

Oh, um, he's referring
to an imaginary leprechaun.

So, let's look
at that CD-ROM
on my computer.

(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER
PLAYING FROM COMPUTER)

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Well, that about wraps it up,
huh, Lorenzo?

Hey, what's your hurry?

Well, don't you have
viola lessons or some junior
investment club meeting?

No, I cleared
my entire schedule
to do this report with you.

I've got all night.

"Arnold's Journal.
Top Secret."

Arnold left
his notebook here.

What? That Arnold.
Constantly trying to leave
his secret stuff in my room.

(ALARM RINGING)

ALARM: Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.

I forgot something.
Give me one minute.

ALARM: Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.

Ow, my head!

I'm getting one of those
surprise horrible headaches
that I often get.

Are you okay, Sid?

Sure, sure,
I'll be fine.

Good night.
Take the roof.

LORENZO: The roof?
(ROOF WINDOW OPENING)

I go this way
all the time.
It's fun.

This is
a pretty weird place.

(DOG BARKING)

(CAT SCREECHING)

Sid, is what I think's
going on here

really going on here?

What do you mean?

This yours?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
It's a joke, get it?

It's, uh,
part of our project.

Sid, does Lorenzo
really think
this is your room?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
"Does Lorenzo really..."

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Does he... That's crazy.

That's the funniest...
Are you going to tell him?

Why'd you do it, Sid?

I just wanted
to impress him.

This house is so cool.

But, Sid, sooner or later
he's going to find out
you're lying.

You should just
tell him the truth
and get it over with.

No, it's too late for that!

Look, I'll take care of it
in my own way, okay?

(LAPTOP BEEPS)

Uh, Lorenzo,

I have to tell you something.

What, Sid?
I'm almost finished here.

Lorenzo, my room is...

(INAUDIBLE)

My room is...

Wait, your room!
I... I just realized

the CD-ROM is
in your room,

and we need to get it
so we can finish our report.

SID: But...
Come on, I'll get Peter
to drive us.

We'll go to your room,
get the CD-ROM,

and come
right back here.
But wait...

(TIRES SCREECH)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Lorenzo!

Oh, it's the
"I promise, I swear,
never again" kid.

Well, go on up,
Arnold's in his room.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, Grandpa.

Kid thinks
I'm his grandpa.

Why are you knocking?
It's your room.

Hi, you guys
are here already?

What do you guys do,
share this room?

Sometimes.

Twice.

I'm confused.

I could have swore
on a stack of phone books
this was Arnold's room.

Hello, boys, I brought you
some prune juice
and herring sandwiches.

(CHORTLES)
Just kidding.

It's milk and cookies.
(CHUCKLES)

Thanks, Grandpa.

Stop calling me Grandpa.
I'm not your grandpa

and this is
not your room!

It's another little game
we play, Lorenzo.

See, we pretend that...

And that this is...

That...
We pretend that...

What are you pretending, Sid?

Sid, this is
Arnold's room,
isn't it?

I...

I...

I...

I just wanted you
to like me!

I wanted you
to be my friend.

And I thought if
you saw my real room,

I thought you'd think
I was plain and boring,

and then you wouldn't
want to be my friend.
(SOBBING)

Sid, friendship is not about
what kind of room you have.

I didn't like you,
because I thought
you had a cool room.

I liked you
because of you.

Even though you were
acting pretty weird.

You mean, you'd still
want to be my friend

even if I had
a boring, plain room?

Well, I don't know.
I mean, you lied to me,

and I'm going to
have to think about it.

Okay, I'll never
lie again.

I promise!

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
Right, Sid. Yeah.

Well, quit standing around
in the doorway

and sit down already.

I came here
to play some gin rummy,

and I want to play it.

Come on, you guys.
Play cards with us.

Okey-dokey,
gentlemen.

The name of the game
is rummy.

HAROLD: I thought we
were going to play Old Maid!

Come on!

(CAR HORN BLARING)

Hey, girls,

isn't that Big Patty
over there talking to Arnold?

(GASPS)

RHONDA: She sure is big,
isn't she?

I can't help feeling
a little sorry for her.

It must be difficult
to be so large,
and, uh, plain-looking.

I wonder what she's talking
to Arnold about.

I don't want it.
Go ahead and take it.

But it's the last
tapioca pudding.

I told you, I don't want it.

It's yours.
Thanks, Patty.

Sure.

Oh, she's probably just trying

to get his tapioca pudding
off his tray.

Why would Arnold
want to talk
to her anyway?

I mean, she's not
exactly a rocket scientist.

On top of that,
she's a bully.

Plus, she's big and ugly.
Helga...

Hey, I'm just making
an observation.

I mean, what is she, 14?

And she's still in
the 6th grade!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

If she gets any bigger,
she could apply
for statehood.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And talk about ugly.

Patty's so ugly,
when she was born,

the doctor took
one look at her
and slapped her mother.

(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, and she's big, too.
Oh, is she big.

Patty's so big,
that when she plays
king of the hill,

she's the hill.

Oh, Helga,
you're terrible.

Oh, that's nothing,
I've got a million of them.

She's so dumb
she failed a blood test.

I mean, last week,
she took an intelligence test,
it came back negative.

The other day,
her teacher asked her,
"Patty, what's two plus two?"

You know what she said?
Tallahassee.

Uh, Helga...
Don't interrupt me.

And then he says,
"Patty, what's the capital
of Florida?"

And she says,
"Uh, four?"

Then he says,
"Patty, are you having
fun with me?"

"Well," she says,
"I'd be having a lot more fun

"if you'd stop asking me
such hard questions."

(CHUCKLES) I mean,
she is dumb! (LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, uh,
hi there, Patty.

Uh, we were just, uh,
talking about someone else,
um, named Patty.

Someone you don't know.

Look, you little skeeze,

I know you've been
making jokes about me all day.

Me? Making jokes?

Oh, no,
you must be mistaken.

Why would
I make jokes about you?

I mean, you're so big
and s... strong.

And when I say "big",
I mean that
in the best possible way.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Listen, I don't like what
you've been saying about me.

And now I'm going to
have to make you pay.

Oh. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Okay. Well,
I'll go get my wallet.

How about 50 cents?
Or we can make it
an even dollar.

Not that kind of pay,
joke-lady.

Tomorrow, after school.

3:15. Right here.

You and me are going to dance.

Dance? Oh, well,
I'm not really a good dancer.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I believe she's using
a euphemism

for a more brutal form
of physical activity.

(WHISPERS) I know
what she means, Phoebe!

3:15. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?

I'd make it today,
but I've got
an orthodontist appointment.

And you'd better not
chicken out.

If you run,
I will find you.

(GASPING)
Are you okay, Helga?

She's going
to m*ssacre you!

Remember what she did
to Mary?

Who's Mary?

(MARY GROANING)

(GROANS)

Hi, Mary.
(GROANING)

Why did I have to
open my big mouth?

Why? I could have
just shut up.

But, no, I had to
go on blabbing.

"Fatty Patty."
"Patty's so dumb."

"Patty's so big, and ugly,
and slow and clumsy and..."

Ahh!

Hi, Fatty...
I mean Patty!
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

3:15. Tomorrow.

(CROWD CHEERS ON TV)

(PUNCHES LANDING)
Dad?

Yeah, what is it?

Oh, that's it!
Jab with the left!

I was just wondering
if you could give me
some advice.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!
That is going
to hurt tomorrow.

If I just happened to get
challenged to a fight
by another kid,

say at 3:15
tomorrow afternoon,

well, what do you think
I should do about it?

Fight, huh?
Ooh, ooh! Clinch, clinch!

(RING BELL DINGS ON TV)
Oh, gee!
All right, hang on a second.

Where's that book
your mother keeps trying
to get me to read?

Fighting. Fighting. Huh.

Oh, all right, all right.
Let's see.

"Fighting never
solves anything.

"It's much better
to work out conflicts

"by communicating
your feelings

"in a proactive manner.

"And, as always,
be a good

"listener."
(RING BELL DINGS)

Okay?
But, Dad!

Ooh, hit him with the left!
The left! Oh!

(RING BELL DINGING)
There goes
another 50 bucks

right down
the freakin' toilet.

And my friend is supposed
to fight this huge girl
tomorrow after school.

A huge girl?
Yeah, I see.
Mmm-hmm.

What do you think I...

I... I mean, what do you think
my friend should do?

Well, she just can't walk away
from her problems, Helga.

You know, she's, she's got
to stand up for herself.

She needs to face her fears

and stand up
to this bully and say,

"I am woman,
hear me roar!"

Is that what you'd do, Mom?

(STAMMERS) Helga, I...

I'm a grown woman,
it's completely different.

The point is
that your friend

just shouldn't let
anyone push her around.

(SIGHS) What?
Does that help,
sweetheart?

(SOFTLY) Sure, Mom.

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

(RING BELL DINGS)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, man!

(CAR HORN BLARING)

I heard you're going
to fight Patty after school.
So what?

So, what did you do
to make her so mad?

It's no big deal, I just made
a few jokes about her
being big and dumb and ugly.

But, even if
that's true,

it probably didn't make her
feel very good to hear someone
say those things about her.

What's your point?

My point is,
she's still a human being,

and she still
has feelings.

When she heard you
say all those things,

well, she probably
felt pretty bad.

Yeah, I guess,
but how does that help me?

Maybe all you need to do

is explain to Patty
that you thought about
what you said

and you realized
you weren't being fair.

Maybe all she needs
is a friend.

Yeah, great, but where
am I going to find a friend
for Patty?

Well, maybe you could
be her friend.

Arnold, are you
forgetting something?

She hates me!

She wants to b*at
the stuffing out of me.

Tear me limb from limb!

That's because
she doesn't know you.

Look, if you apologize,
I bet she'll come around.

Who knows?
You two could wind up friends.

That's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.

What have
you got to lose?

So the thing is, Patty,
I realized that...

"That you're a human being too
and you have felines?"

Oh, oh, feeling,
feelings, and, well,

I shouldn't have said
all those things about you
being big and dumb and ugly.

Well, I guess it took
a lot of guts to come here
and say that to my face.

Yeah, a lot of guts.

And I mean it, sincerely!

You know, it doesn't matter
how big or tough somebody is,

when you say nasty things
about them behind their back,

it hurts.
HELGA: Oh, I know!

Believe me,
I've learned my lesson.

Good.

So, I guess
we're friends now.

That whole 3:15 thing
is off

and you don't have
to b*at me up.

Oh, I still have
to b*at you up.
(EXCLAIMS) Huh?

I called you out in front
of the whole school.

If I go back on my word,
they'd all call me a wimp.

But...
Nothing personal.

(CLOCK TICKING)

So, what happened
with Patty?

Did you apologize?

Yeah, I poured
my guts out.

I groveled, and begged,
and pleaded for mercy.

So she let you
off the hook?

Are you kidding?
She's going to pound me
into mush.

What?

You mean you apologized,
and she's still going
to b*at you up?

It's all over, Arnold.

At 3:15, I'm going to walk
those final, fateful steps
to the playground

and then... (SIGHS)

Well, it's been nice
knowing you, bucko.

Dead girl walking.

Patty?
I'm eating.

I have to talk to you.
It's about Helga.

I can't believe you're still
going to b*at her up
after she apologized to you.

I'm eating.

Look, (SIGHS) Patty,

I know Helga said some
really mean things about you.

She's always saying
mean things about me, too.

But I don't think she
really meant to hurt you.

I think Helga just does things
like that sometimes,

because she's just
sort of covering up
for her own insecurities.

She's not really that bad,
deep down.

And I can't believe
you'd still b*at her up

after she told you
she was sorry.

I know if you think about it,

you'll do the right thing.

(ALARM BEEPING)
STINKY: Well,
it's almost time, fellers.

Who's got
the popcorn?

PHOEBE: Maybe
she won't show up.

Yeah, you know,
maybe she'll forget.

I mean, you said
it yourself, Helga,

she's not exactly
a rocket scientist.

You're right.
Maybe she forgot
all about it.

I mean, she's as dumb
as a post.

(GASPS)

Let's go.

ALL: (CHANTING)
Fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight!

(ALL GASP)

(CLANGS)

(LOUD THUDDING)

(CLANGS)

What are you doing?

I got to make it look good.

Make it look good?

What are you talking about?

Aren't you going
to pound me?

I'm cutting you a break.

You're...

I mean, that's great!

So... So I guess
my heartfelt apology
got to you after all, huh?

Not really.

To tell you the truth,
it was your friend Arnold
who changed my mind.

Arnold, what's he
got to do with this?

He told me about you.

He said you acted
mean and nasty,

but deep down,
you were okay.

Arnold said I was okay?

He said you don't mean
to be a pain in the butt.

He said he thought you did it
because of,

um, unresolved conflicts
or something.

He said that?

He's a pretty smart kid.

Yeah, pretty smart.

Anyway, when we
go back out there,

you better make it look like
I messed you up good.

I've still got
a reputation.

Oh! Oh, sure, no problem.

You're okay.

Yeah, you're okay,
too, Patty.

I... I guess you're not
really so dumb after all.

Uh, uh, I mean that
in a good way.

Hey, don't mind my asking,

but you and Arnold,

you've got some kind
of thing for each other?

Huh? (STAMMERS) No!
What, are you kidding?
Give me a break!

I was just asking.

He's kind of cute.

If you like
football heads.

Sell it.

(GROANING)

Well, at least it's over.

Yeah, but it's too bad
we didn't get to see it.

I reckon Big Patty
figured it was
too dang violent

for us kids
to watch.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)