03x01 - One Stayed Clean/Rumor Mill

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

[screams]

[screams]

[burps]

[patriotic music]

[T.J.'s voice] Dear Sir,
I'm writing you in hopes

that maybe
it'll help you understand.

It was a hard day.
For all of us kids it was,

but especially, I think,
for your son.

Rise and shine, private.

Huh? What?

It's , soldier, and it's picture day.

Yes, Sir.

-hut!

Private Griswald reporting, Sir.
Ready for inspection.

-Very good, private. Shoes?
-Shined, Sir.

-Belt buckle?
-Polished, Sir.

-Shirt?
-On, Sir,

and tucked into my pants.

Private...

you look great.

Thanks, Pop, uh, Sir.

This is a historic day
for the Griswald family, soldier.

Make us proud.

I'll do my best, Sir.
I'll do my best.

Oh, man, picture day whomps.

Yeah, it's bad enough I got
to be seen looking like this,

but there's also going to be
a photograph to prove it.

I'm burning every picture I find.

If I ever grow up and become a parent,
no matter how mad I get,

I'm never going to picture day my kids.

[all argue]

Hey, guys.
Boy, you're all looking good.

So, what time do we get our picture taken?
Hope it's early.

They schedule it according to grade--

Kindergartners go first,
first-graders go second,

and so on. Therefore,
logically, we would go--

Last?

-[Gretchen] What?
-[Spinelli] No way!

[T.J] This has got to be some kind
of a horrible mix-up.

No, there's no mix-up.

What are you talking about,
Miss Grotkey?

I volunteered
the fourth grade to go last.

But why?

Because as courteous world citizens,

I know how meaningful it is
to you to let others go first.

Pass it on!

Last? But that means we have
to stay clean the whole day.

That's impossible! How am I
supposed to get through lunch?

I've got a -pound bow on my head!

Alright, alright, everyone remain calm.
Let me figure this out.

Oh, what's the point?

This is a disaster! A disaster!

Of course it's a disaster!
Just look at this thing!

No. Don't you see?

If you guys get messy,
what's the big deal?

You've already got pictures
from all your other grades.

But with all my family's
moving around,

I've never been in school long enough
to take a class picture.

You've never had
a class picture before?

No. That's why
I was so excited, now this.

I just wanted
to make my parents proud.

Look, I'm just a kid.
This picture day--

It doesn't make any sense to me.

But the fact is we're stuck with it.

Now, I see Gus here. I'm listening
to the junk he says about his family.

And I'm thinking to myself--

Maybe this day doesn't have to be
so meaningless after all.

And I'm starting to think. If I can help
Gus make his parents proud,

well, maybe, just maybe,
that's good enough for me.

Gus, what the heck? I am with you.
I'll keep you clean.

No one's messing you up, Gus,
not while I'm around.

Dirt wants you?
It's got to take me out first.

Just hide behind me, Gus,
and everything will be all right.

[bell rings]

Kindergartners,
I repeat, kindergartners,

report to the photographer at once.

Spinelli, tighten it up on the left.

Vince, bird-dog those third-graders
on the right.

Everybody, if you see
a dirt clod, walk around it.

If we're careful, I think we'll make it.

OK, kiddies, smile at Clowny McClown
and say "happy."

[murmuring]

Eh... Good enough.

Picture finish! We free!

[cheering]

First-graders,
I repeat, first-graders,

report to the photographer at once.

First-graders? That's us!

It's almost over!

Almost over for them, the lucky saps.

Uh-oh, we got trouble.
Kindergartners at : .

[shouting]

Oh, man, there must be to of them,
and they're coming this way!

[children shouting]

[children screaming]

[evil laugh]

[cheering]

Just keep moving. Don't let them out
of your sight.

Everything will be OK.

[screams] Like, I'm hit!

We need help!
Dry cleaner! Dry cleaner!

[cheering]

Second-graders, I repeat,
second-graders, you're up!

OK, all clear.

[cheering]

It's juice time!

Maul Ball!

[all sigh]

Man, all this humping across country

sure does make me thirsty.
When this is all over,

I'm heading straight for Kelso's
and ordering me

an extra-large glass of root beer.

Yeah, me too.

How about you, Spinelli?

What are you going to do
when picture day's over?

I'm dreaming of a messy game
of british bulldog,

but first I'm going
to take some special time

to cream any kid who makes
a wisecrack about this hair.

How about you, Mikey?

Me? I, uh...

I guess I'm going to play some Maul Ball.

Get rid of it, Mikey!
Get rid of it!

[boy] Tackle the big kid!

[all shouting]

Run, Mikey! Run!

Whoa!

Vince!

You guys go on. I'll be OK.

[all scream]

-Tackle him, too!
-[all] Yeah!

He was going to wear that suit to church.

We knew going into this some of us
might get dirty.

Now, come on.
We got to keep moving.

[camera clic]

[cheering]

Third-graders,
I repeat, third-graders.

[cheering]

Fifth-graders, here now!

Oh, man, look at that playground.

There sure are a lot
of messy kids out there.

Don't worry, Gus. It should be
our turn pretty soon.

Yeah, I see first-graders,
second-graders, third-graders,

-everyone except for--
-The kindergartners!

Where are the kindergartners?

[children laughing]

-Hey, look, clean people.
-Get them!

[screaming]

Run!

[heavy breathing]

[screaming]

The running stride
of the fourth-grader is longer

than that of the kindergartner,
therefore-- Ah!

What? My bow!

All right, all right, I surrender.

Not without a fight, you don't.

Save Gus!

Over here.

Down!

We're not going to make it, T.J.!

Vince, Mikey, Spinelli, Gretchen--
They got them all!

There's just too many of them!
I can't take it anymore!

Hey, hey, hey, here.

You'll be OK. We're safe in here.

Thanks, Teej.

[sighs]

[harmonica playing]

Hey, neat.
Where'd you get that?

Took it off a messy kid.

That music,
it makes me think of home.

Makes me think of my folks.

You guys, you got moms
and dads back home too,

but here you are
getting all messy for me.

Won't your folks be disappointed?

Sure, they'll be disappointed,
but the way I see it is this:

if I didn't stand up
for my buddy when he was down,

when he really needed my help...

Well, then I'd be
disappointed in myself.

From where I stand, the choice
isn't that hard to make.

[Finster] Fourth-graders,
I repeat, fourth-graders,

Report to the photographer at once.

That's us.

[both gasp]

[shouting]

Now everybody's getting messy.

We'll never make it
back to the photographer.

We got out here
without getting messed up.

We survived Maul Ball
and the kindergartners.

Gus, I got to think luck's on our side.

You're right, T.J. Let's do it.

[screams]

We're going to make it.
We're almost there.

What have we here?

Lawson!

Smile and say cheese!

Go to the photographer, Gus.

-But--
-Go!

Say your prayers, Detweiler.

Here comes Mr. Big messy can
full of cheese.

[all] Gus!

Yeah, you made it!

He's about to take the picture.

Any last requests, Cheese-Weiler?

I know. How about a cr*cker?

Get it? Crackers and cheese.

[evil laugh]

-You made it!
-Gus, come on!

Hey, you want a blindfold, Detweiler?

I wouldn't want my eyes
getting full of cheese!

Get it? Cheese!

Cheese, cheese, cheese,
cheese, cheese, cheese!

[evil laugh]

[T.J.] And so whatever you think

about all the junk
that happened on picture day,

I just figured
I should let you know

I'm proud of him anyway,
and I'm honored to be his friend.

Respectfully yours,
Theodore J. Detweiler.

-[knock on door]
-Enter.

Classified satellite photos, Sir.

Fresh off the bird this morning.

Photos, huh? Tell me,
what do you think of this photo?

Uh, well...

I don't really have sufficient training
to analyze photographs.

No? Take a closer look.

That's my son right there
near the middle,

in his first class picture ever.

If you ask me, soldier,

well, I'd say
he's never looked better.

Like, there, that's my good side,
as if I had a bad one.

Hello, ladies.
Isn't it a lovely day?

Would you utterly mind?
You're, like, ruining my portrait.

Yeah, why don't you, like, bug?

Sorry.

Do it over. It doesn't accurately reflect
my new nose.

Wait a second.
Wasn't I about to sit there?

Tough toenails, Blumberg cheese.

I snagged it first.

[sighs]

-Mikey!
-Oh, hello...

You don't have
to take that kind of noise.

Yeah. Don't let Chumpy push you around.
This is a free country.

[sighs] It's OK, guys.

Technically, he was
the first boy on the swing.

But you were clearly first
in the swing area.

I'd be glad to testify in your behalf.

Guys, I appreciate what you're saying,
but it's OK.

The fact is I'm pretty used
to stuff like this by now.

Poor guy. He's too darn nice
for his own good.

Hey, Lummox, that was mine!

Sorry.

Mikey, there you are.

Man, I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

I just kept thinking
about viciously pummeling

all the chumps who push you around.

That's sweet, Spinelli,
but I'm over it, really.

In fact, I slept like a baby.

Mikey, I didn't see you coming, pal.

Here, have my swing.

No, that's OK.
I'm not really in the mood.

No, no, I insist.

It's dew free and all nice and warm.

Well, if you insist.

[groan]

How's that, pal?
High enough for you?

Fine, thank you.

That was a nice thing
you just did, Phil.

Though it is a bit strange.

Yesterday you were walking
all over our friend Mikey,

but today you're bending
over backwards to be obsequious.

Yeah, and you're kissing up too.

It's just,
well, I... I heard things.

Things? What things?

Word is last night
at the Marionette Theater

some kid knocked Mikey's
popcorn out of his hands.

Go on.

Well, Mikey blew a fuse and then
hauled the kid across the lobby

where he... pushed him
into the girls' bathroom!

[all gasp]

What did you say?

I'm just telling you what I heard.

They say the kid's going
to miss a month of school.

Preposterous, I've been
in the girls' room untold times

and never once experienced trauma.

That's 'cause you are a girl, Gretch.

For guys, it would be worse
than getting kissed.

Mikey would never do something that bad.
Would you, Mikey?

Gosh, no. That would be dehumanizing,
degrading, and morally wrong.

You see, Phil,
this story's totally bogus.

What you heard was just an ugly rumor.

And whoever started it
should be ashamed of himself.

Amen. Now come on, Phil,
who told you? Spill.

I shouldn't say.

Look, you think you should
be scared of Mikey,

but you know you should
be scared of me, right?

[gulp]

I heard it from Randall.

Randall? Figures.

Can I go now?

Uh, sure.

We've got to nip this thing in the bud

or it's going to spread over
the playground

like gum on a sneaker bottom.

What do you say we pay Randall
a little lip-zipping visit?

Way ahead of you, Vin.
Nobody goes around

telling lies about my friends
and gets away with it.

[Mikey] Wait, guys, it's no big deal.

I mean, sticks and stones
can break my bones,

but mysterious rumors
can't hurt me, right?

Look, Mikey, telling lies about you

is just another way
of pushing you around.

Yeah, it's exactly the kind of thing
you have to stand up against.

That's right, Mikey.

This is where we draw a line
in the blacktop.

Enjoy your little game, suckers.

Playing Keep Away warrants
a level detention.

Ah! Hey, no sneaking around.
That's my job.

Randall, we know
you made up that rumor about--

What? Me?
I can't make stuff up.

When you're the class snitch,

all you've got is your credibility.

[screams]

Hi, Mikey. You're looking... large?

Please don't throw me
in the girls' room.

I swear I'll never snitch on you
as long as I live.

Here, you want some candy I helped
Miss Finster confiscate?

Wow, Randall, thanks.

Alright, weasel, out with it.

If you didn't start
that lousy rumor, who did?

Hey, I can't reveal my source.

It's against
the snitch code of honor.

But isn't tattling on others
precisely what snitches do?

Hmm. Good point.

Digger Dave told me this morning.

I think we ought to bring tunnel five
down here by the big tree

and join it up with tunnel six.

I don't know, Dave, there's a lot
of roots between those two points.

Hey, Digger Dave, we need to talk.

Can't right now, T.J. We've got
a massive project underway here.

Could that project possibly be...
weaving a complex tissue of lies?

Uh, we just dig.

Hey, guys, what did the diggers
have to say?

It's him!

Curse these roots!

Come on, you guys. Drop the act.

Yeah, we all know that crummy rumor's
just a bunch of froop in hooey.

That's not how Cornchip girl tells it.

Aha!

[crying]

Well, well, I figured
I'd be seeing you kids around now.

It's about that rumor, ain't it?

Level with us, Butch. Did you start it?

I hope so. My feet are k*lling me.

Sorry, I'm not your man,

though I've got to admit
it's a heck of a yarn.

Whoever cooked it up is a real master
in the tall tale.

Listen, Butch, we're mainly concerned

with stopping this thing
from spreading any further.

Yeah. We've already
tracked it through kids.

? That ain't no rumor.
That's a bonafide legend.

Say, how are you doing there, Mikey?

You want a stick of gum?
It's minty fresh.

-Heck, just take the whole pack.
-Thanks, Butch.

Hey, it squirts.

Look, Butch, I'm getting tired,

so once and for all,
who started this lousy buzz?

Don't know, Spinelli, but I can tell you

I heard it from a pretty reliable source.

From the big guy,
the mustachioed one himself.

-Principal prickly?
-The very same.

Friends, it appears
we've traced the trail of lies

to the highest office in the land.

Why would principal Prickly
start a rumor about me?

Who knows? We're all just marbles

in his sinister game of Chinese Checkers.

Gus, put on your shoes,
we're going to see the man.

Halt! And just where
do you think you're going?

We need to see Principal Prickly, Menlo.

We just want to ask him
about these Mikey rumors.

It'll only take a sec.

Sorry. He's in conference.

I'll have to ask you, children,
to leave the office immediately.

Don't let him hurt me. I told
Principal Prickly the story.

He read it in my daily inter-office memo.

So, that's it? You made up some
horrible lie just to have something

to run through the photocopier?

No, no, I didn't make it up. I swear.

I'll give you to the count of three.

Who told you this crummy rumor? ...

I got it from Randall yesterday.

He was helping Miss Finster confiscate
candy from some detainees

and we got to talking.

Don't toss me in the girls' room,
I beg of you.

I never want to see in there.

-Pathetic.
-Wait. Did you say yesterday?

Yeah, at lunchtime. Why?

Something stinks. Randall said Digger Dave
told him this morning.

The weasel lied to us.

All roads lead back to the snitch.

Let's go. guys. He's probably
still in the tires.

No, wait!

It's time to end this witch hunt,
to forget about who started the rumor.

You heard Butch. I'm a legend already.

There's nothing more we can do.

Mikey, I understand how you feel,
but this thing's bigger than you now.

If Randall really did start the story,
then he not only lied about you,

but he lied about lying,
and that's just sick.

All this deceit makes me queasy.

And it's time we put a stop to it.
Now come on.

And you won't believe what this kid saw
when he was in the girls' bathroom.

Oh, don't tell me. It's too much.

The poor slob, how horrible.

-See ya, Randall.
-Later!

Where are you going?

I didn't tell you the part about
the toilet paper stuck in the kid's shoe.

Toilet paper? I never heard
that part of the story.

-Me neither.
-Eh... well...

That's our proof. You're the one.
You made up the whole thing

No, I swear. That toilet paper angle
was just an embellishment.

You know, poetic license.

I'm about to take
poetic license with your face, Randall.

Listen, I might have been
the first kid in school to know,

but I did not make it up.
Somebody told me.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Well, you guys are going to laugh,
but see, I don't really know.

He did make it up.

Randall, by the power vested
in me by my fist,

I hereby declare you guilty
of making up junk about Mikey.

Your sentence? A first-class ticket
to the girls' room.

Nonstop!

No, no, I'm innocent,
I tell you, innocent!

You guys wouldn't do that, would you?

You bet we would.

If you push him into the girls' room,

you'll be doing the very thing
you said was so horrible.

Yeah, well, he's pushed us too far.

Now he's going to get a taste
of his own imagination.

I'll tell you what you wanna know,
but you're not going to believe me.

Try us.

Well, it all started yesterday.

I was on my way to homeroom
when I decided to play the slots.

Nuts.

lady luck wasn't with me.
it happens.

Anyway, just as I'm about to leave,
the phone starts ringing.

[telephone rings]

So I figured I'd better answer it.

-Uh, hello?
-[man] Listen carefully.

The story I'm about to tell you is true,

but you can't repeat it
to anyone, understand?

Yeah, yeah, whatever,
let me have it.

-You know Mikey Blumberg?
-Yeah.

Last night at the Marionette Theater,

some kid knocked Mikey's popcorn
out of his hands...

And that's how I heard the rumor.

From some mysterious
gravelly voiced stranger on a payphone?

[nervous laugh] Wacky, ain't it?

More like impossible.

Wait till you see the pink toilet paper

we've got
in the girls' room, Randall.

It's lovely.

No, not that! Anything else--

A pink belly, noogies, a wedgie!
Anything but the girls room!

Sorry, Randall, but it's what you deserve.

No! Don't do it! No, no!

[Mikey] Stop!

What are you doing, Mikey?

Run away, Randall. You're free to go.

Holly Molly, you... You saved me.

You're no monster, you're nice.

I've got to go tell everybody.

Hey, Digger Dave, get a lot of this!

What did you set him loose for, Mikey?

The lousy worm deserved
what was coming to him.

He lied about you.

No, Spinelli, he didn't.
I lied about me.

-What?
-Randall's telling the truth.

Mine was the voice on that pay phone.

-You?
-Yes, it was me.

[deep voice]
I started the rumor.

I used my singing voice.

But why would you start a rumor
about your own self?

I guess I was tired
of being pushed around all the time.

I just wanted people
to think differently of me.

I wanted a little respect.

I never dreamed
my tiny acorn of a lie

would grow into a great
gnarled oak of deceit.

Hey, big guy, being known as a mean kid
may scare people,

but it doesn't earn respect.

All you need for that is to stand up
for yourself.

Yeah, Mikey.
Just say no once in a while.

You'll get all
the respect you deserve.

[all agree]

Hey, guys, it's awful nice of you
not to be mad

after all that hunting witches.

Hey, it gave us a little break
from Kickball.

But I, for one, am ready
to get back to it.

Good point. Come on, Mikey,
let's go play Kickball.

-No.
-What was that, buddy?

I said no, Vince.
I don't want to play Kickball.

I believe he's standing up
for himself.

Well, OK, Mikey.
What do you want to do?

I'd prefer... to dance.

Hey, we've got to respect the guy.