03x02 - The Shiner/Stand Up Randall

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Ah!

Urp!

Your little friends are going
to be so amused when you

tell them what happened
to your face this weekend.

Uh, yeah, they'll be amused, all right.

Have a good day, son,
but leave the porterhouse.

I'm barbecuing tonight.

Uh, hey, guys, how's it going?

Oh, you know, pretty good, T.J.

[all gasp]

What happened, T.J.?

Yeah, man. How'd you get that thing?

What thing? I don't know what
you're talking about.

That shiner. I haven't seen so many colors

on one face since Crackers the clown

chirped his chips in our classroom.

I must confess your black eye
is an impressive example

of ruptured blood vessels
of the ocular region.

If you guys don't mind,
I'd rather not talk about it.

[girl] Ouch.

[boy] Look at that thing.

Hey! Leave it to T.J.
to get into a class "a" scuffle.

Yeah! Makes you wish
you'd been there, don't it?

You don't think T.J. got
in a fight, do you?

Although T.J. didn't
confess to any misdoings,

all evidence clearly suggests
a physical altercation.

Maybe he finally gave that bigmouth lawson

what's been coming to him.

Or perhaps he was defending
one of the little people,

a downtrodden soul who needed his help.

[Vince]: Well, whatever it was he did,

I bet T.J. risked his life doing it.

[Gus] Wow, what a guy.
He's a hero,

and he doesn't even
want anyone to know.

So, Detweiler doesn't
want anyone to know, eh?

Well, I'll just see
what I can do about that.

[crying]

[whispers]

[whispers]

[whispers]

[whispering]

[bell rings]

Abraham Lincoln, the th
President of the United States,

was revered the world over
for his fortitude...

T.J., is it true?

Is what true?

Saving a whole nursery school
from a pack of hungry pit bulls?

You rock.

What are you guys talking about?

T.J., do you have something
you'd like to share with the class?

Um, no, ma'am. Actually I --

[all gasp]

Good goddess, what happened
to your eye, T.J.?

Well, uh...

[whispers]

Right on, T.J.
Fight the power.

Oh, boy.

[bell rings]

Gee, T.J., you're a real hero.

Will you quit it with the hero stuff?

I told you it's not like that.

After you.

Behold our hero!

[cheering]

After you, T.J.

Heroes don't wait in line.

You first. I insist.

A slice of pepperoni, please.

Ethel, it's him, the hero kid.

We made this special pie for you.

But I can't afford a pizza that big.

Forget about it.
It's our way of saying thanks

for busting that bakery holdup ring

and saving them jelly doughnuts.

But -- but --

Thanks.

And my dad said

there was no such thing as a free lunch.

Hey, it's pretty cool
having a hero for a friend.

-I'll say.
-Listen, guys

-there's something I should let you--
-[boy] Detweiler!

Oh, no, it's Gelman.
I knew this day

was too good to be true.
I just knew it.

Don't worry, Gus.

T.J.'s got it under control,
don't you, Teej?

Oh, man.
Here goes the other eye.

I've been looking for you, Detweiler.

OK, OK. Just let me have it.
Let's get this over with.

Oh, who ruined the surprise?

[all] Cookies!

Triple chocolate chip.

My granny stayed up all night
baking them for me,

but better you should have them, hero.

But I'm no --

Heroes don't wait in line,
heroes don't pay,

heroes get cookies.

Okay, I give up.
You want a hero?

I'll be your hero.

[cheering]

Class, I understand
we have a hero in our midst,

a kid who saved an entire platoon

from a secret squadron
of tofu-crazed vegetarians.

You know how we treat heroes
in gym class, Detweiler?

Exceedingly well?

Absolutely. You, Detweiler,
will enjoy a -man

no-k*ll zone while the rest
of the cowards play bombardment.

All right! My favorite.

Tender.

[shouting]

Left!

Right!

Ouch! Oh! Ah!

So then you had to swim
through shark-infested waters?

Not saying I did,
not saying I didn't.

[boy] Wow, awesome.

It's good to be the hero.

[slurps]

Girls, this is one tasty glass
of lemonade.

Thank you.
It's imported.

And we totally have another surprise.

Like, voilà -- our secret candy spa.

Whoo-hoo!

I have seen heaven,
and it has a chocolate center.

Oh, man, this line will take forever.

Leave this to el hero.

Ahem.

All in a hero's day's work.

[drums b*ating]

Halt! You, there,
come forward.

Hey, there, Bob.

Silence!

On your knees!

But, King Bob, this is all a big mistake.

Hand me my Royal staff.

Something tells me

our hero's journey
just came to an end.

But I can explain.

Explain after you quelled
that kindergarten uprising?

What's to explain?

In the name of all royalty everywhere,

I knight you sir T.J. the brave.

[sighs]

And I further decree
that tomorrow shall be known

as Detweiler day!

[cheering]

And what a day it will be.

You sure seem to have had
a change of heart

about that black eye.

Yeah! Today you seem almost proud of it.

Well, I guess it just took a while for me
to accept myself for who I am.

Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

[gasps]

Hmm, not bad, not bad at all.

[cheering]

[playing "Hail to The Chief"]

Thank you, thank you.

Kids of the playground,
we gather today

to celebrate Detweiler day,

a day honoring this hero kid.

Let us begin by showering him
with our thanks

in the form of stuff.

What are you waiting for?
Bring on the gifts.

Announcing Sam and Dave,
the diggers.

We would like to present to you

the coolest thing we ever dug up --

a bicentennial quarter.

Whoa, that's from the ' s.

Announcing the hustler kid.

Check it out --
a genuine swiss-crafted

Beanie McChimp pocket watch,

made in china.

Cool.

Announcing the guru kid.

Oh, mighty hero, it is only befitting

that a man-child as enlightened as you

have the crown of rags,

symbolizing your great
inner strength and courage.

Uh, thanks.
I'll wear it later.

Corn chip girl.

Don't tell me.
You're giving me corn chips.

Not all of them, sir,
just my most cherished chip.

See, it's in the shape of Abraham Lincoln.

Gee, thanks.
I'll make sure to put it

in a special place, like in my mouth.

And now, sir T.J., you shall
regale us with your story.

-My story?
-Yes.

The story of how you became a hero,

tell us all from start to finish.
Don't leave out any details.

Well, OK, sure.

Um, it all started
with a call from the pentagon.

Yeah, that's it, the pentagon, and --

[man] Theodore.

Huh? What?
Who said that?

[man] Right here. In your hand.

Honest Abe?

Don't you think this lie
has gone on long enough?

But, Abe, they're throwing me a day here.

I didn't get my own day by telling lies.

But I didn't lie. Not yet, anyway.

Who's he talking to?

I have no idea.

Look T.J., my boy, sometimes
letting people think something is true

is just as bad as lying
in the first place.

I'm sure you didn't mean to let
this story get out of hand,

but if you don't
put things straight,

you'll live with it
for the rest of your life.

Tell the truth, son.
It's the only way.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Corn chip girl, I cannot
accept this corn chip.

[gasp]

In fact, I can't accept
any of these gifts,

because the thing is, I'm not a hero.

I guess you could even say I'm a coward.

A lot of stories have been going around
about this black eye,

but I haven't had the guts to tell anyone
the truth of how I really got it.

See, there's this youth group
my mom signed me up for,

and last weekend
they had...the big hoedown.

Lucky us, we all got
to learn to square dance.

Yee-ha-ha-ha!

Come on, now,
bow to your partner and begin.

♪ Well, swing your partner
round and round ♪

♪ Do-si-do,
Hey, don't you frown ♪

♪ Allemande left,
Allemande right ♪

♪ Pick up them feet, boy,
you're lookin' all right ♪

♪ Whee-hoo ♪

♪ Now switch your partners
down the line ♪

♪ Who's that cowboy
lookin' so fine? ♪

Hey, hey, that's me!

Yee-ha!

[murmuring]

Are you okay?

Oh, that's going to be a shiner.

And that is how I got the black eye,

not being a hero,
not saving the world,

but square dancing.

[laughing]

T.J. square dancing?

That's a good one.

[all chanting]
T.J., T.J., T.J.!

I tried, Abe, honest, I did.

T.J., T.J., T.J.!

Ah, what a day.

Hey, Gus, what's shaking
on the asphalt?

King Bob is bossing his staff around.

Typical.

Guru kid's legs are falling asleep again,

and he's trying to wake them up.

Standard.

[Gus whistles] Gee,
arty kid's latest drawing

is a masterpiece.

Ah, arty kid,
how thy chalk-smudged fingers

light up our simple lives.

Uh-oh, not for long.
Here comes Randall.

He's messing up arty kid's picture.

Now he's wagging his finger,

and he's giving the old

"No chalk masterpieces allowed
on the pavement" speech,

and there he goes to tell Miss Finster.

Randall is such a classic rat fink.

No wonder he doesn't have any friends.

Perfectly good.

Miss Finster, Miss Finster,
arty kid's drawing

ugly pictures on the blacktop!

Good work boy. Go to the office
and requisition the hose.

And while you're there pick something
from the lost and found box as a reward.

Ah, yes. Perks.

[booing and hissing]

-[boy] Snitch!
-[girl] Tattletale!

-Loser!
-Tattle-loser!

Hey, quit it!
Little jerks.

Oh! Ow! Oh!
Hey, that hurts!

I hate my stinking life.

What do we got here, anyway?

Let's see. Retainer.
Broken shoelace.

Moldy old baloney sandwich.

Why doesn't anybody
ever lose anything good?

Please, try to keep the box neat.

[gasps] Leaping losers.
What do we have here?

Hmm, this might be good.

A kid like me can always use a few laughs.

[laughing]

Man, this book is funny,
milk-out-the-nose funny!

Junior, your mother said
no reading after bedtime.

I'm telling!

[panting] Ha ha.

Knock, uh, um, sh**t!

Knock, knock.

-[girl] Who's there?
-Huh?

I said who's there?

Oh, uh, well, Arfur.

-Arfur who?
-Arfur-got!

Ha ha! You're funny.

Really? You mean, you don't want
to throw stuff at me and call me names?

Nuh-unh.

OK, good.
Did you hear the one

about the guy who said,

"Doctor, I think I need glasses"?

And the other guy says,
"you certainly do, sir.

This is a restaurant."

[laughing]

-Hey, tattle-loser!
-[gasps]

That's a good one.

[laughing]

It was?

Randall, I think you're the funniest man

in the whole world.

Gee, maybe you're right.

[all laughing]

Hello, ladies.
Say, what do you get

when you cross a vampire
with a teacher?

-I'm sure we don't know.
-Lots of blood tests!

[all laughing]

What do you get when you cross
one principal with another principal?

I don't know. What?

I wouldn't do it.
Principals hate to be crossed.

[all laughing]

Ashley P., like, can I have a tissue?

Here, girlfriend.
They're quilted.

Hey, where the hang is my outfield?

They were there a minute ago.

Look.

Ha! They're finally going to
pluck that no-good stool pigeon.

Let's go get a piece of him
before there's nothing left.

I'm not sure that's what's happened.

What do you mean?
Listen to them laughing at him.

They're not laughing at him, Spinelli.

They're laughing with him.

Why was the kid doing the backstroke

after eating lunch?

I don't know. Why was the kid
doing the backstroke after eating lunch?

He didn't want to swim
on a full stomach!

[all laughing]

Hey, what gives?

Sh. We're, like, watching Randall. Duh!

He's really funny now.

You know, like, not just weird-funny

or dorky-funny but funny-funny.

Gretch, theories?

If this is true,
science has no explanation.

-You, there, boy, come here!
-Me?

Yes, you.
You look like a boa constrictor

who swallowed the family poodle.

What underhanded little
prank have you been up to?

Uh. Going to the boys' room?

Oh. Well, have you seen
anybody doing anything evil,

defacing school property,
enjoying themselves?

Tell me, and there's
a saltine in it for you.

Excuse me, Miss Finster,
but these are new pants!

[sighs]

[laughs]

There's nothing worse than when
they discover they're funny.

Hey, King Bob, I heard you're so powerful,

you make the teachers stay after school.

[laughs]

And speaking of powerful,

my dad's the most powerful
person at my house,

unless, of course, you're asking mom.

But, seriously,

the other day, my dad was saying

the cost of everything
keeps going up and up

and he'd like to see
just one thing go down,

so I showed him my report card.

You told that one yesterday!

Uh. Hey! Did you hear the one about
the three dogs walking into a canal...

Like, didn't we hear
that one already, too?

Hearing the same joke over
is totally no fun.

The second dog says,

Hey! "I meant, 'woof,' not 'ruff.' woof!"

Woof!

Donate those tattered, old
jokes to charity, Randall.

We want something new.

Uh, a guy walks in and says,

"Doctor, I think I need glasses."

OK, people.
Show's over.

He's got nothing left.

Oh, hey, stay here, folks.
I'll be right back.

I'm just a little parched.

Whew. Tough crowd.

I still think you're
the funniest man in the world.

How do I stay funny?
Kids like me when I'm funny.

But how? How do I keep up the funny?

You'll think of more yuks,
funny man. I know you will.

The joke well is dry, baby.

It's over, do you hear me? Over!

Unless I find a new angle, but what?

Come back, pretty butterfly!
I want us to be friends!

[laughing]

This gives me an idea.

Uh, let's see, "knock, knock jokes,

riddle me this, hot cross puns." Aha!

Cancel the funeral, baby.
Randall's back in town.

[laughing]

I got another one.

Hypothetical question --
if digger Dave

and Mikey were tossed
off a building -- same time --

Who would hit the ground first?

Digger dave, 'cause Mikey

would have to stop and ask directions!

[laughs]

This new stuff is fresh!

Thank you, thank you,
and speaking of Mikey,

did you hear he broke his leg
raking leaves?

Fell out of a tree! Sah!

[laughing]

That little nimrod is making fun of you.

I'll saw him!

Spinelli, don't. Randall is
just having a little fun.

Fun? Are you nuts?

He's about as fun as a finger in the eye.

Please, Spinelli.
I'm okay with it.

[sighs]

Why did Mikey climb
over the chain-link fence?

Tell us!

To see what was on the other side!

What did Mikey do when he heard

that % of accidents occur in the home?

Preach! For the preach!

Mikey moved!

It's okay.

Everyone knows I'm not stupid,

and just look at the glow
on Randall's cheeks.

Did you hear Mikey's on a seafood diet?

When he sees food, he eats it!

[laughing]

But seriously, folks,
you know, Mikey's so fat...

Fat?

[children] How fat is he?

Mikey's so fat,

he has to iron his pants in the driveway.

When he went to St. Louis,
he got stuck in the arch.

[laughs]

Ow, that one hurt.

Um, Randall, your jokes are funny,

but I think they're hurting
Mikey's feelings.

Huh? Nah, Michael's a sport.

Besides, that Mikey stuff
kills every time.

I'm going places, Missy,
on Mikey's big, fat back!

Ha ha! See what I did?

Hurt someone's feelings?

Oh, you don't get it.

Take a hike, baby.
I don't need you anymore.

There's a hundred girls
like you on the playground.

Groupies. Good riddance!

Listen, weasel boy, it's time
to lay off our pal Mikey!

Not you, too. Why is
everyone bumming my trip?

Because your trip is about as funny

as Horton's theory
of cold fusion. Ha ha ha!

See, Horton's theory was -- oh, forget it.

Well, I'm not dropping my Mikey act

because my public finds it very funny.

Where is the big galoot?
I'll autograph him for you.

He's off licking his wounds.

Licking his wounds?

That kid just won't
stop eating. I k*ll myself.

Allow me to help!

Oh, funny boy?

Love to finish our little chat,
but King Bob needs me.

In need of a chuckle my laughing leech?

I want you to do your stuff next recess --

A command performance by the swings.

Well! I never turn down a gig,
your royal highness.

Be there.

Man, that little creep ticks me off.

Yeah, it's not right to tell mean jokes

just to make kids laugh.

Speaking of laughing. How did Randall get
so funny all of a sudden, anyway?

It sure is a mystery.

[boy] A mystery? Hardly.

Randall's humor derives
from the joke book

he pulled out of the lost and found
the other day.

A joke book?

Indeed.

So that's Randall's scam.

He's stealing old jokes from a book.

True, but seven can play at that game.

Guys, I have a plan,

and you, my friend, are the star.

Quick! To the humor section at Kelso's!

[children laughing]

Did you hear?

Mikey's so dumb, he flunked recess!

Don't feel too sorry for the guy, though.

He's teacher's pet. Miss Grotke
couldn't afford a dog!

Places, people.
It's show time.

How does Mikey spell "refrigerator"?

O-I-c-u-r-m-t!

[whistles]

Mikey's so fat, when he wears
a yellow raincoat,

people run after him, yelling --

[Mikey] Taxi!

Uh, yeah. Hey!

Hey! You know, it's not easy
for Mikey, being so fat.

I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.

[coughs]

That's right. Heh heh.

OK, how does Mikey count money?

One, another one, another one...

[murmuring]

Did I say it good?

You said it great.

Hey, everybody, why are all
the Mikey jokes one-liners?

So Randall can understand them!

Hey, listen up.

Randall says, "Doctor,
can you help me out?"

The doc says, "certainly.
Which way did you come in?"

Now, wait.

This was supposed to be a one-man show.

Um, let's see. There's this guy,
and he's a frayed knot --

No, I mean, he's a piece
of rope, and there's, um...

This no longer amuses me.
Take me to my jungle gym.

But remember?
Me funny! Oh, come back!

Did you hear the one about...Gus?

Yeah, Gus -- he's funny!

Hey, come back!

Well, I hope you people are happy now.

You've ruined my career!

Hey, it was all good

till you started ragging on Mikey.

At that point we had to shut you down.
Nothing personal.

Well, you -- well --

Miss Finster!
Miss Finster!

T.J. and them stole my act!

Now that's funny.