03x13 - A Great State Fair/The A.V. Kid

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[cheering]

[yell]

[whimper]

[scream]

[gulp]

[burp]

[muttering]

Isn't this wonderful, Zebulon?

I've never seen the children
quite so excited

to be going on a field trip.

This ain't no tour
of the crayon factory, Grotke!

We're going to the Great State Fair!

Whoo-hoo! Yippee!

Ah, the Great State Fair.
Is there anything fairer?

Anybody needs me,

you can find me at the game booths

kicking some carny keister.

I'm eating all the junk food
I can lay my hands on,

then hitting the thrill rides.

Well, I can't wait to see Lardantuon.

Lardantu-what?

Lardantuon.

The biggest pig in the whole wide world,

and he's right here in our own state fair.

-Get out!
-Here, Gus,

there's got to be more
than a dozen state fairs,

And the world's biggest pig
happened to pick ours?

It's true.

I saw it in the State Fair Newsletter

and on "State Fair TV"

and in the schedule of events

that came
with this ultra-cool State Fair t-shirt.

Man, Gus, I didn't know the State Fair
was such a big deal to you.

Yeah, well, with my family moving around
all the time,

I never had a chance to go
to any state fair.

-Never?
-Nope.

I thought about it plenty of times.

The rides, the exhibits,
the cotton candy...

They all seemed like a dream to me,

a dream that would never come true.

That is so sad.

But today that's all going to change.

I'm finally going to the Great State Fair!

With you guys!

This is going to be the best day ever!

[all] Yeah!

Board the bus in an orderly
and harmonic fashion,

and please have your signed
permission slips ready.

Ah, the good ol'
"get out of class free" card.

This is one note from school

I'm happy to have my parents sign.

Oh, no. Oh no. Oh, no!

Don't tell me you forgot
your permission slip, Gus.

I had it this morning.

My dad signed it at breakfast,

and then he must've put it
in his pocket by mistake.

Maybe your father could bring it
from his office.

He's not at the office.

He's out with the whole division

having w*r games,

and mom's out looking at drapes.

Not to worry, Gus.
Miss Grotke will understand.

Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy.

Miss Grotke, we got a problem.

Gus forgot his permission slip.

Oh my, that is a problem.

Without a permission slip,
Gus, you can't go.

It's school policy.

[whimpers]

Listen, Miss Grotke,

going on this filed trip
really means a lot to Gus.

How's about you reconsider

with a little help from my good friends,

[T.J.] Abraham and George?

T.J. Detweiler!

Yes, ma'am. That was wrong.

What's this I hear?
Griswald's staying behind?

I'm afraid so, Muriel.

No problem.

I've planned some fun-tastic activities

for both of today's stay-behinds.

Both of us?

[Gellman] Hey ya, Griswald.

[stuttering]
[Gus] Gellman?

You're staying behind, too?

T.J., can't you do something?

Gus, I promise somehow, some way,

I will get you to that fair.

[Grotke] Quickly, children,
take your seats,

or we'll miss Rubbery Earl
the rodeo clown.

[cheering]

[motor noise]

All right, you left-behinds,

it's fun time.

[gulps]

[Finster] Activity one:

A rip-roaring game of old nostalgia.

Griswald, you first. Roll the die.

[groan]

Three. Move it, buster.

"This golden-throated crooner
really made the dames swoon

with his big-band ballad,
'man, that dame can swoon.'"

Uh, Nebraska?

Eddie Marengo!

Haven't you heard of Eddie Marengo?

Um, is that my next question?
[nervous chuckle]

Oh, never mind. Your turn, Gellman.
Roll the die.

Thirsty.

[scoffs]
You children...

Always wanting nourishment.

So I guess your dad

forgot your permission slip, too.

My old man don't believe in fairs.

He says they're fixed.

Fixed? There's nothing in the universe

more wholesome than a fair.

They got homemade jelly

and blue ribbons and everything.

Except they don't got you,
do they, short fry?

[Finster] Gellman's right, Griswald.

You're not going anywhere.

None of us is,

So get over it and start having fun.

[shouts]

[cheering]

[giggling]

[bell ding]

-[grunt]
-[bell ring]

[bleat]

-[animal noises]
-[yelling]

A pumpkin in the shape
of a very large carrot.

Shazow!

Hey, Teej, how come you're not amazed

by the amazing carrot-shaped pumpkin?

[sigh]
Reminds me too much of Gus

and how amazed he would have been.

Look, T.J., I know how you feel,

but we're an awful long way from school.

Yeah, it would be rather difficult for us
to help Gus now.

Well, I got to try.

I promised my friend Gus,

and somehow I'm going
to get ahold of his dad

and get that permission slip.

How, are you gonna do that, Teej?

I don't know, but I better work fast.

There's no telling what t*rture

Finster's putting Gus through right now.

[children's music playing]

♪ Ahoy there, sailor
Can you do the otter dance? ♪

♪ First you take your right flipper ♪

♪ And you slap it on your Pants ♪

♪ Next, you take your left flipper ♪

♪ And you catch a little fish ♪

♪ Then you take your little tail ♪

♪ And you swish, swish, swish ♪

[record needle scratches]

Gellman, maybe you didn't hear me,
it's time to do the otter dance.

My old man don't believe in otters.

Actually, Miss Finster,
I wouldn't mind not dancing, either.

Nonsense, Griswald.

Children love the otter dance.

-Now cheer up and dance!
-[record needle scratch]

[music playing]

♪ Ahoy there, sailor
Can you do the otter dance? ♪

♪ First you take your right... ♪

[Lt. Griswald]This is Lieutenant Griswald.

I'm not in my office right now.

but I'll be back as soon
as I've destroyed the enemy.

Well, it was worth a try.

We verified that Gus' father
can't be reached by phone at the office.

Communicating with him directly
while he's on maneuvers

[Gretchen] would seem impossible.

Wait just one minute!

The army uses pigeons
to carry messages into the b*ttlefield.

I read about it in Señor Fusion ,

-"The time warp of Johnny Doughboy."
-But T.J.--

Just a sec, Gretch.

"Lieutenant Griswald.

Gus needs you."

Exclamation point. Exclamation point.

[T.J.] There. That oughta do it.

Yes, but, T.J.--

I know, Gretch. It's a crazy idea,

but it just might work.

[chirping]

Actually, what I've been trying
to tell you

was that it wasn't a pigeon.
It was a dove.

A dove?

But what kind of person would
leave a dove out in cage?

Getting late, ain't it?

Told you them so-called friends
of yours wasn't coming.

Sure they're coming.
At least I think they're coming.

You been thinking too much,
little squiddy.

I could think about going
to the fair, too,

But it ain't going to happen,
so what's the point?

You'd want to go to the fair if you could?

Yeah, sure.

What? Hey!

Griswald, will you stop
yapping about the fair?

It's bad enough I don't get to go

without you reminding me.

Miss Finster?

Are you saying you like the fair, too?

Of course I do. Everybody likes the fair,

but I gave up on going long ago

[Finster] 'cause every year I'm stuck here
looking after you left-behinds.

You don't hear me complaining,

so get over it

and finish your liverwurst sculpture

of Calvin Coolidge. It's fun!

Look. T.J., it's real nice
that you're trying to help Gus.

Your many plans
have been imaginative, indeed.

Yeah. Making a run for the interstate

in that bumper car was bold.

But, T.J., honestly,
these ideas of yours,

while imaginative,

are also completely ridiculous.

Face the facts. There's nothing we can do.

Gee, sorry, guys. I wasn't thinking.

Here we are at the fair,

and because of me,
no one's having any fun.

You guys should go enjoy yourselves.

What about you?

Well, this morning I promised
my friend Gus

that I'd get him to the fair,

and I will not enjoy myself until I do.

And I know just the guy who can help me.

[T.J.] Look at this! An antique telegraph!

Maybe we could use it
to hook up Lieutenant Griswald.

Oh, come on, Teej, I bet that thing
hasn't been used in over years.

Come on, guys,
it's Gus we're talking about.

We got to do something.

T.J., to contact an officer in the field
using a telegraph,

you'd have to construct a radio amplifier,

up-link the signals
to a communications satellite,

and then hope that somehow
the message was received

and relayed to the proper coordinates.

OK, I'll need some wire. Lots of it.

And I'll need some foil
and something with a crank.

Here we go again.

[chatter]

[tapping]

Well, here goes nothing.

[Morse code beeping]

[Morse code beeping]

Americanski boy
being left behind from fair?

Nyet!

[radio static]

[Morse code beeping]

[soldier] Urgent message
from Washington, sir.

[Finster] "Mrs. Habberswam
was truly perplexed.

once again,

the porridge was inexplicably
missing from the cupboard.

[Finster] She suspected the meddlesome
Oliver Coppersmith,

but how could she be sure?

So at bedtime she declared
to the entire orphanage--"

-No!
-Huh?

I don't care what you guys say.

My friends said they'd try to get me
to the fair,

so I'm gonna believe they're trying,

and if you don't like that, well, too bad.

Look, Griswald, I admire your hopefulness,

but the fact is it's over.

No one's coming for you
or me or anybody else.

We're the left-behinds, boy,
and that's all she wrote.

[helicopter noises]

What in the name of Skippy?

Dad! Dad, you're here!

[Lt. Griswald] I'm sorry I took
your permission slip, son,

but thanks to your friends,
you got a state fair to see.

What's the matter, son?

Dad, a Griswald never
leaves a man behind, right?

Come on, Gellman. Let's go see the fair.

But my old man didn't give me
no permission slip.

Gellman, we will locate your father,

we will engage him in conversation,

and he will give you a permission slip.

Yes, sir!

Wait just one minute!

I'm coming, too!

[commotion]

And that button there opens the CD player.

Neat!

I got to hand it to you, shrimpy.

You was right all along.

That is one big old pig.

[oinking]

[Grotke] Good morning,
partners in learning.

Today we begin our unit
on the four food groups,

starting with a -week focus
on whole grains.

[groaning]

And to kick off our cereal studies,

we'll be watching a video.

[cheering]

TV in school. What a way to learn.

You guys know what it means
when Miss Grotke shows a video, don't you?

We get a visit from the A.V. Kid.

[wheels rattling]

[jangling]

Ma'am, I got a req for a -inch

and a -head top-loader.

Please sign here, here, and here.

Why, certainly, Brock.

Thank you.

My pleasure, ma'am.

Whoa. Did you see his keys?

There must've been a gazillion of 'em.

Actually, Gus, I calculate
far fewer than a gazillion,

but more than enough to open
every room in the building twice.

Now then, class,

let me just plug in this VCR and we'll--

[gasps]
Oh, goodness.

Brock forgot to leave an extension cord.

I'd be honored to get one from him,
Ms. Grotke.

And I'd be honored to help.

Two of you for one cord?

Um, I hear they're heavy.

Well, all right, but don't forget your...

Hall passes.

Man, this is great. I'm going to be
the first fourth grader ever

to see the inside of the A.V. Kid room.

Not if I b*at you to it, Teej.

-Oh, yeah? We'll just see about--
-Ow!

Well, well.

If it isn't Detweiler and LaSalle.

Out of class without your hall passes,
I see.

No, Miss Finster, you don't understand.

Cry me a river, you truant hooligans.

To the principal's office. March!

[A.V. Kid] The boys are with me,
Miss Finster.

You are familiar with this?

Well, since you have that laminated
all-access hall pass, Brock,

and since you vouch for them,

All right, I'll let you two go this time,

But don't let it happen again!

Gee, thanks a lot, A.V. Kid.

Yeah. If you hadn't come along--

Shh. Class in session.

Follow me.

-Huh?
-Whoa.

Half a door!

That is so cool!

You boys don't get off
the playground much, do you?

Here's what you came for.

[A.V. Kid] A grounded -prong
-footer in safety orange.

Whoa. First the hall pass,

then the trick with the door,

and now this!

A.V. Kid, your job's amazing.

Yeah... And I'm going to miss it.

[T.J.] So then he says,

"yeah, and I'm going to miss it."

And then he closes the rest of the door.

[Gus] Whoah.

He's a most curious
and enigmatic sixth grader.

Is it true he never goes to class?

Some say yes, some say no.

Nobody's had much contact with him
since the third grade, Gus.

Third grade is when he was chosen
to be A.V. Kid.

Tradition says you can't be
an A.V. Kid until fourth grade,

but for Brock they made an exception.

Yep, he sure is going to be
hard to replace.

What are you talking about, Menlo?

A.V. Kid.
His folks are moving to Portugal,

and he has to turn in his keys,
as it were.

So that's what he meant by "I'll miss it."

By the by, anyone interested
in applying for the job

should report
to the lunchroom immediately.

-See you!
-Later!

Where are those guys going?

I'm guessing to see a kid about some keys.

Man, this is going to be great.
"Vince LaSalle, A.V. Kid."

More like, "Vince LaSalle,

friend of T.J. Detweiler, A.V. Kid."

[noisy conversations]

Gee, how many kids did Menlo tell?

Well, may the best kid win.

Thank you. I appreciate your support.

[A.V. Kid] Candidates, line up!

Candidates, the faculty has left it to me

to choose my successor.

In order to weed out the unworthy,

I'll be conducting a battery of tests.

Before we begin, are there any questions?

[A.V. Kid] Don't be shy.

There's no such thing
as a stupid question.

What, pray tell, does the position...
♪ Pay? ♪

I stand corrected. Stupid question.

Out.

Now, let's see
what you people are made of.

[A.V. Kid] There's only one way

to properly wind an extension cord.

Do it wrong, and you'll get knots...

Like these.

Now, who's been paying attention?

A perfect double-Düsseldorf release.

Merci.

And now for my pièce de résistór.

Hit it, girls!

♪ s-s c-a-n ♪

♪ n-n d-a-l ♪

♪ l-l o-u-s ♪

♪ what's that spell? ♪

Out.

-No, silly, it spells:
-[Ashleys] "Scandalous."

Ladies, those cords

are precision pieces
of electrical equipment,

not toys.

Out.

OK, candidates, let's focus.

[A.V. Kid] Operation of the O.P.
overhead projection system

requires a keen eye,

a steady hand...

And unwavering maturity.

[nervous chuckle]
Out?

It's a rainy day.

The kindergartners are climbing the walls

from being inside.

What do you do?
What do you do?

I-I don't know!

[sobbing]
I just don't know!

[sighs]
Pathetic.

LaSalle, rainy day,
kindergartners going ape.

What do you do?

Roll the video cart down their stall.
They need a diversion.

Nice work, LaSalle.

But only half the answer, sir.

First, I'd lock and load the video player

with a talking dog movie.

Kindergartners love talking dogs, sir.

Even nicer, Detweiler. LaSalle?

Yes, sir?

Pay attention to Detweiler.
You might learn something.

[snicker]

[grunting]

Nice hallway slalom performance,
Detweiler.

What can I say? I'm a natural.

[A.V. Kid] OK, LaSalle. Your turn.

On your mark, get set, go!

[shout]

Whoa!

[whistling]

[grunts]

Great time, LaSalle.
And an excellent innocent-kid whistle.

Yes!

Whoo-hoo! I smoked you.

Almost makes you want
to pack it in, don't it, Detweiler?

Sir, no, sir, sir!

[cheering]

It makes me want to win.

[A.V. Kid] Candidates, parade rest.

You've all done well.
Exceptionally well.

But I've had to make some hard choices.

Everyone is out

except for the following three finalists:

-[A.V. Kid] Detweiler.
-Yes!

-[A.V. Kid] LaSalle...
-Woo-hoo!

[A.V. Kid] And Lance.

[all] Lance the Pants?

That's good, right?

[groaning]
[complaints in unison]

Congratulations, survivors.

Tomorrow will be your final test.

After that, there will be two runners-up

and one new A.V. Kid.

Go home and dream on it.

Looks like my dream

Is about to become your worst nightmare.

Don't bet on it, LaSalle.

This ain't kid stuff
like kickball or foursquare.

This is the real world.

[bins clanging]

You want to keep it down, LaSalle?

I can hear your spoon
all the way over here.

Well, lucky for you, runner-up kid,
I'm done eating.

Wow, done eating so fast?
Guess you smoked me again.

Hey, what's with you dopes?
We thought you'd be all giddy and junk.

Yes, we heard that the A.V. finalists

had been narrowed down to three
and you both made the list.

Well, the list is dropping down to one
this afternoon,

'cause I'm a shoo-in for A.V. Kid.

I've had it with your attitude.
I'd love to hang, guys,

but it would mean
fraternizing with the enemy.

Yeah, well, I got to go work
on my acceptance speech.

Oh, horned monster of competition,

How cruel thy wrath.

[A.V. Kid] Welcome
to my sanctum sanctorum.

[grunting]

[both] Whoa.

[A.V. Kid] Candidates,
no matter who is chosen today,

each of you can look into your own hearts

and know that you've competed
in an honorable manner.

Now, I have one final test,

and then I will make my decision.

Whoa. What are those?

Film projectors, Detweiler,

An ancient technology
still deployed by Mr. Wood

to show dental hygiene films
from the s.

Each of these machines is jammed
in the exact same way.

[A.V. Kid] Your mission
is to fix the problem

before the film runs out or melts.

Remember, in this round, anything goes.

[whistle]

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.

Yes! I got it!

Me, too!

Hey, how come they're still chattering?

There must be another jam

besides the one
behind the white doohickey.

Mine jams up by that silver thingamabob.

Gee, I guess if we were still pals,

We could help each other out.

Yeah, we could just switch machines.

I'd unjam yours and you'd unjam mine.

That is, if we were still pals.

-Yes!
-It worked!

[narrator] It is important
to floss daily with...

The Canadian bull moose,

-[narrator] roaming free...
-I've seen enough, gentlemen.

I'm ready to make my announcement.

[Lance] Be with you fellas in a jiff.

[Vince] Listen, Teej, I said
some pretty rough stuff before and--

No, no, listen. I'm the one who--

It's OK, man, you don't need to say it.

You neither, buddy.

Gentlemen, inside this box
I hold the keys.

And it is my great honor
to award these keys

to the next A.V. Kid
of Third Street School...

-It's you, man.
-Nah, got to be you.

[A.V. Kid] Lance!

Yippee-yippee-yay!

Wait a second. You chose him over us?

You are aware they call him
Lance the Pants?

Well, they won't be calling him
that anymore.

But, but--

I know you're disappointed,
boys, but A.V. Monitor

is a special breed, a kid who doesn't long

for the companionship of his fellow kid.

[A.V. Kid] Today you two displayed
a level of camaraderie,

of true friendship that was inspiring.

Admirable, even.

[A.V. Kid] Unfortunately,
it's that very quality

which makes you unsuitable for the job.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but...

We know. Out.

Come on, buddy.

[Vince] After you, my friend.

[bell rings]

Gee, guys, it's a bummer neither of you
gets to be A.V. Kid.

No biggie, Gus. How great could a job be

if it went to Lance the Pants?

Yeah, Lance the Pants. That's rich.

You know, it is kind of funny
now that I think about it.

Hilarious, really!

[laughter]

Hey, isn't that Lance the Pants?

From now on you can call me
A.V. Kid the Pants.

Kickin' nickname.

[bell rings]