03x14 - The Fuss Over Finster/Soccer Boy

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[cheering]

[yell]

[whimper]

[scream]

[gulp]

[burp]

Oh, chocolatey Lucko bar,

your luscious aroma can only be topped

by your taste.

[Finster] Freeze, mister.

Candy at recess is strictly verboten.

But, but, but...

Uh, Miss Finster, you don't understand

that milk chocolate is the dairy portion

of Mikey's well-balanced lunch.

That's right, ma'am.

Mikey's candy bar contains
trace elements of calcium.

[scoffs]
Your story is pure baloney. Hand it over.

Adieu, Lucko bar.

perhaps we'll meet again.

Perhaps, Blumberg, but not on my watch.

Man, Dave, we sure are
making headway today.

You said it, Sam.

Hey, what's that?

[both] Whoa.

I can't believe it.

The legends about this spot are true.

[Finster] You two,
come out with your shovels up!

This site is officially closed.

Fill it back in, pat in down, and b*at it.

[Skeens] Hey, you're blocking my light,
you big--

Skeens, this is your second
jaychalking violation

in as many days.

Oh, I ought to...

Are you chewing gum?

[swallows]
No.

The pockets. Empty them.

Finster just confiscated more candy...

from Skeens this time.

At least my Lucko bar won't be lonely.

Your candy's got plenty of company,
Mikey.

That sack of hers is filled to bursting,

making this the perfect time

to pull off the ultimate candy caper.

You mean "Operation Contraband Candy".

Our target: Finster's hidden stash

of confiscated candy and gum.

With skill, guts, and a little luck,

all that wrongfully seized candy

[T.J.] will be back in the hands
of kids like us.

Finster will never know what hit her.

[faked laugh]
Some joke, huh, Miss Finster?

A real knee-slapper, sheckey.

Hand it over.

face it, Detweiler.

You'll never pull one over on me.

Foiled by the ubiquitous Finster.

Yeah. It's like she's everywhere.

Like some very strict phantom

from a child's nightmare.

[cackle]

it's like taking candy
from oversized babies.

-[screams]
-[thud]

[gasp]
Miss Finster?

Miss Finster!

Miss Finster! Miss Finster!

Get back, you animals!

[grunt]
Don't just stand there.

Somebody get me a winch!

[groan]
My aching ankle.

Nathan, get off the grass.

Gordy, no standing on the slide.

And, Detweiler,
get those terrible thoughts

out of your head.

Will she be all right, mister?

After a fall like that,
she'll be out at least a week,

maybe two, I reckon.

Please, let me stay by her side.

I'm all she's got.

[sigh]
All right, kid. climb in.

[sirens]

Uh, did he just say Finster would be out

for two weeks?

[cheering]

Anyone for a gumball?

[bell rings]

[cheering]

Boy, I feel great!

I slept like a baby last night.

Me, too, Gus, just knowing today

would bring our first non-Finster recess.

I tell ya, it's like a dream come true.

No one to tell us we can't play
on the new grass.

Or stop us from jumping off
the top of Old Rusty.

Or confiscate our WingaMcDingers...

Wingerdinger's new butterscottish pals.

We're footloose and Finster-free,
my friends.

[T.J.] Enjoy the playground,

'cause starting today
it belongs to us kids.

What's wrong with you kids?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

It's good to see
you're feeling well, Miss Finster.

It'll take a lot more
than a lousy hairline fracture

to keep this soldier off the front.

Huh? What skulllduggery is this?

Hey, where in blue blazes

Do you think you're going with that hose?

Sheesh! Finster's unstoppable.

halt. this spot is perfect.

Your sun king desires
to catch a few premium rays.

Ah, most pleasurable.

[grunts]

You scofflaws get that contraption

off the new grass.

[Finster] You hear me? b*at it!

Oh, confound it.

[sighs] I thought she was gone.

Let us away.

There's a spot I like over by the sandbox.

And another thing, Robert...

Hey, come back here!

-[grunt]
-[popping sound]

Man, did you notice the huff and puff

in Finster's voice?

And her lateral quickness?

Completely sh*t.

Yeah, she does seem
to have a hitch in her giddyup.

Friends, we're back in the days
of the Wild West.

It's a new frontier.

We're just the desperados
to take advantage of it.

Teej, you're not thinking--

That's right, Spinelli.

With Miss Finster's bum leg
keeping her to a crawl,

it's time to re-institute
Operation Contraband Candy.

Now, here's how we do it.

Just try and relax, Miss Finster.

Dig, Dave, dig. Beneath this blacktop

lies a rich, loamy soil
we've only dreamed of.

No time for that now, Randall.

you boys, stop that this instant,

do you hear me?

That play surface is school property.

All right, I warned you.

come, Randall.

Cheese it, Sam.

Our dream soil will have to wait.

Oh, when I catch up with you,

there is going to be...

There's... There's going to be...

[gasping]
Water.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes.

When I catch up with you boys,

there's going to be trouble.

Yeah, right, all sorts of trouble.

Guys, now's our chance.
Let's go.

You know the warning call, Gus?

[hoots]

It's the call of Hootie,
the boating safety owl.

That's right. Listen for it.

Now, everybody else, follow me.

No Finster, no Randall, no problemo.

It's not here. She must have moved it.

Oh, hi, guys. I already found the candy.

Gus, what are you doing in here?

No need to whisper, Teej.
We're totally safe.

Finster's got way more
than she can handle outside.

See for yourself.

[children yelling]

Why you... You little hooligan.

Stop, I say!

[bicycle bells dinging]

Stop it, you gauche little monsters.

Oh, no, not the radials!

[scream]

Gracious! It's mass chaos out there.

Yeah. There's no way Finster

is going to stop us now.

Well, then, friends,
I say we enjoy the spoils

of Operation Confiscated Candy.

[exclamations]

Creamy nougat.

-Delicious.
-[exclamations]

[munching noises]

-[yelling]
-[gulp]

What?

I gulped, Spinelli,

but it wasn't a satisfying gulp.

Yeah, somehow this candy

doesn't taste as good
as I thought it would.

Perhaps Miss Finster
replaced the real candy

with a sugar-free substitute.

Nah. It's something else.

[shouting]

It's like with us in here
and her out there,

it makes the whole thing
feel sort of cheesy.

This Chewy Gooey isn't filled
with almond cream.

It's filled with shame.

I don't know what to do, guys,

but I figure we best do something.

I got candy.

Come back here, you little...

Oh, I give up.

Give up?

But Miss Finster, they're kindergartners.

You're way bigger
than a bunch of kindergartners.

Oh, what's the use?

They never tire out, Randall.

They never tire out.

I had a broken hip
and phlebitis back in ' ,

and I still kept going.

I was something back then.
Just look at me now.

Don't say stuff like that, Miss Finster.
That's crazy talk.

Well, I appreciate the sentiment, Randall,

but I'm afraid my days here are numbered.

Wheel me over to the shade, son.

[yelling]

OK, everybody know what to do?

[yelling]

[yelling stops]

[shouting]

[shouting stops]

-[yelling]
-[bicycle bells ding]

Come on, Dope-weiler!
What's this all about?

Yeah, make it quick.

We want to get back to pillaging.

Guys, me and my friends were talking,

and, well, we think everybody
should stop messing stuff up

and try to make things easier
for Miss Finster.

You know, until her leg gets better.

[laughing]

Dope-weiler's lost his ever-loving mind!

Wait a minute, listen.

When I first saw
Finster wasn't her old self,

believe me, I was
as excited as any of you.

I was ready to take advantage
of her, and I did.

Look at her. Look at her!

Is that the same Finster
that strikes fear into our hearts

with a single glance?

[muttering]

No, my friends. That is a wounded lion.

A proud and mighty critter brought down

by a loose gumball.

And someday she'll prowl again,

but for now, I don't know about you,

[T.J.] but I don't feel good

about kicking a lion when it's down.

[murmurs]

Poor lion got broken paw.

[crying]

-I feel dirty.
-Me, too.

I say this crummy behavior
is beneath us all.

Well, maybe not Lawson,
but at least the rest of us.

Nah, Detweiler, it's even beneath me.

Glad to hear it, Lawson.

Now, I can't speak for you,

but me, for Miss Finster's sake,

I'm going to be the best-behaved kid

this playground has ever seen.

[muttering]

At least until her cast comes off.

[cheering]

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪

-♪ But now am found ♪
-Hiya, Miss Finster,

And how are we feeling today?

Well rested, Detweiler,

thanks to you and your friends.

-Glad to hear it.
-Say, Detweiler,

would you be kind enough
to return that ball?

Sure thing, Lawson.

Oh, and Miss Finster,
don't worry about us going soft.

Once that cast comes off,

we're giving you %...

Ma'am.

I wouldn't have it any other way, boy.

Miss Finster, excellent news!

The office has your doctor on the phone.

He says your leg isn't broken, after all.

-What's that?
-It was just a hair on the x-ray.

The doctor says you have a mild sprain,

[Randall] and you can come in today
to get the cast taken off.

Randall, do me a favor.

Tell the doctor I can't make it in today.

In fact...

[exhales]
I think I'm busy all week.

Behold! The King Bob royal cup!

[muttering]

Look at that thing.

It must have cost a dozen bucks.

Whompin' Bob-utabulous!

[King Bob] This grand chalice
will be awarded

to the winning soccer team

in this year's annual King Bob classic.

Those who aspire to this honor
will register

with my royal referees Jordan and Jerome.

As my royal scorekeepers,

I appoint Smart Girl
and friend of Smart Girl.

-[Gus and Gretchen] Us?
-Yes.

Go and construct for me

the finest of scoreboards.

As for the rest of you,

the tournament starts on Monday,

so practice heartily
and amuse me with your skill.

[muttering]

Gee, sorry you guys got stuck
with scorekeeping duties.

Are you kidding? We're royal scorekeepers.

I feel like a duke.

My heart is positively a-twitter

with pomp and purpose.

Come along, Gus. I've already visualized

a state-of-the-art scoreboard design.

This is going to be fun, fun, fun!

Those guys really know how to live it up.

Yeah, but we're going to have a ball.

Ah, soccer, the passionate pastime

of the romance-languaged nations.

The mere thought of that hallowed sport

moves me to verse.

Playground warriors, athletes we,

frolic, thither merrily--

And crush them! right, guys?

Boy, I can't wait. A real-live tourney!

Yeah, but it won't be much of a contest.

once I put a team together,

that trophy's going to
be ours for the taking.

[Lawson] You think so, do you?

Lawson.

I got you this time.

My buddy Jocko here went to soccer camp.

Why, he can bounce a ball
off his head. b*at that.

OK.

[gasps]

Man, that guy's good.

Good? How many of you guys
get fan mail from Brazil

addressed to "El yanqui fantástico"?

Well, all of us, but so what?

You guys are a bunch of dummies.

Now, come on. We got practicing to do.

Man, those guys are going to be toast.

Yeah, if we all go by the game plan.

Now, here's how I see it.

Teej, you and I will be the forwards.

You feed me the ball, then I score.

Spinelli, you'll be the goalie.

Nothing gets past you.

Pray tell, Vincent,

what would will my position be?

Uh, actually, Mikey, I have a feeling

this tournament is going to be a big deal.

Oh yes, the biggest of deals.

And it would be really cool
to win that primo foxfire trophy.

-Indeed.
-So I think maybe it would be best

if you were, you know,
our man on the sidelines.

-Huh?
-Vince, what are you saying?

Yeah, Mikey's our friend.

Look, guys,
this is a serious sporting event.

you don't want him out there daydreaming
about, you know, frolicking and junk.

He could mess everything up.

I hadn't thought of that.

And if Lawson wins instead of us,

we'll look like dummies.

Oof, don't wanna look
like no dummy.

You're not going to let me
be on the team, are you?

Sure we are, Mikey.

You can serve us
rehydrating sports drinks.

That's a big job.

And, of course,
the trophy will be part yours, too.

No, thank you.
I don't care about trophies.

I just wanted to have fun

playing soccer with my friends.

It's OK. he'll go and write a poem

and feel better before we know it.

Wey, Mikey, want to help us
build our sandcastle?

th century Bavarian architecture.
Your favorite.

Thank you, but today
my heart was set on play

of a more athletic nature.

[sigh]

[thud]

Hey, why are you guys kicking balls at me?

You're the goalie.

Come on. This is soccer.

Soccer? Hey, I thought
we was playing dodgeball.

-I'm out of here.
-Hey!

Gellman!
Oh, this is just great.

Where are we going to get a goalie now?

[grunt]

What the...

[screaming]

hey, please stop doing that.

Sorry, Mikey, my fourth grade buddy.

I had to make sure what I was seeing
with my own two eyes.

Oh, those were monster moves, man.

Say, I just got an idea.

I mean, I noticed you're not practicing

with LaSalle and those guys.

how'd you like to play goalie for my team?

Really? You guys would
want me to play for you?

Mikey, we would be real honored.

Wow!

OK, Viper Sharks, listen up.

If you want to win, you got to have focus,

you got to have guts,

and you got to have the k*ller instinct.

Do you understand?

[all] Go Viper Sharks!

That's what I like to hear,

that and the sound of Lawson crying

when he sees just how good we are.

Speaking of Lawson...

Hey, what's Mikey doing with him?

That, my friends, don't look right.

Then I pass to Jocko,
and blammo... He scores!

Excuse us. We need to talk to Mikey.

-Hey!
-It's OK.

Mikey, what's going on here?

I mean, if I didn't know better,

I'd say you were playing for Lawson.

He may be Lawson to you,

but to me he is a friendly boy
named Erwin,

and unlike certain other people,

he seems to appreciate my ability.

But, Mikey, he calls us names.

He calls me goalie.

Gee, Mikey, I don't know.

No, Spinelli, Mikey's right.

If Lawson says Mikey's his goalie,

what we need to say

is congratulations on your new team
and good luck.

Why, thank you, Vincent.
May the best team win.

Mikey playing goalie?

[laughter]

Oh, man, those guys
will never make it past the first round.

Let the games begin.

[cheering]

[blows whistle]

That is, like, so rude.

Hold it till Thursday, then sell at .

-[blows whistle]
-[scoreboard] Goal!

Mr. Chap, you better, like,
get off the phone and play.

Daddy says, if you don't stop
any goals, you're fired.

Sorry, Johnson. got to go.

-[cheering]
-[whistle blows]

I'm telling!

Referee! Referee!

The other team hit me with the ball!

[thud]

[cheering]

[all] Vince!

[grunt]

[all] Mikey! Mikey! Mikey!
Mikey! Mikey!

Boy, it sure has been one great tourney!

Yes, and who would have imagined

that both the Viper Sharks
and the Winning Guys

would make it to the finals?

And no matter what, one of our friends

is guaranteed to come out a winner.

Oh, Vince, you're the greatest.

You're rad, man, rad.

Well, you know, as they say in Ecuador,

"el Vinso es muy precisoso."

[exclamations of awe]

[boys laughing]

... And then Mikey stops them all,

just like a really big tree,

[Lawson] except it can move!

[laughing]

Hello, friends.

Hiya, Mikey.
I noticed you're not doing too bad

at the old black and white ball there.

Yeah, Mikey. you're OK.

Why, thank you.

But as a sports veteran,

let me offer you a little advice.

I hear you guys laughing it up over there.

And I think I should warn you...

Don't get too cocky.

Yeah, you're doing all right so far,

but you haven't gone up
against a team like ours.

We'll try to go easy on you,

but you'd better prepare
yourself for the worst.

We tell you this, Mikey,
because, as your friends,

we only have your best interests in mind.

Oh, I thank you. Thank you so very much.

Now I'd like to give you some advice.

Um...OK.

Enjoy your lunches while you may.

Juices all around.

Feel good about yourselves today,
for tomorrow...

You're going down.

[exclamations]

[laughing]

Someone is going to win a trophy tomorrow.

I just hope they don't lose a friendship
in the process.

[cheering]

[kids] Mikey! Mikey! Mikey!

They should be chanting "lucky, lucky."

Let's go get him, guys.

[cheering]

Zero to zero with only two minutes left.

Oh, man, this is too much.

Hang in there, Mikey. You're doing great.

There's no way they can get by you now.

[panting]
OK.

who knew Mikey would be so good?

It's like he's unbeatable.

Come on. He's just Mikey.

Listen, I've got a plan.

Spinelli, you come out of the goal.

The whole team will charge him

in a full-on blitz down the field.

You know he couldn't take
on all three of us.

[exclamation]

[shriek]

Nothing personal, big guy.

-[whistle]
-[cheering]

[scoreboard] Goal!

I declare the Winning Guys
the winning guys.

If it's any consolation,

you guys played a fine game.

Winning Guys! Winning Guys!
Winning Guys!

Hey, sorry, losing guys.

Looks like you got to stay here
and feel crummy.

Us Winning Guys,

we're going to go get some sodas

and drink them from our brand-new trophy!

[laughing]

Enjoy yourselves, teammates.

Mikey, you won.

Aren't you going to go
celebrate with your team?

No. You guys weren't invited.

The last thing I would want to do

is make my friends feel left out.

Yeah, like we left you out.

Guess we made you feel,

well, kind of like we feel right now.

I'm sorry, big guy.

Apology accepted.

Now, I realize none of you

is as good as me at eating ice cream,

but if you care to join me for some,

I'd be happy to go slow
so you can keep up.

Mikester, champ, we'd be honored to try.