03x15 - Old Folks Home/Some Friend

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Recess". Aired: September 13, 1997 - January 16, 2006.*
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Six brave fourth-graders at Third Street School make it their mission to protect the other kids on the playground.
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03x15 - Old Folks Home/Some Friend

Post by bunniefuu »

[bell rings]

[children cheering]

Ah!

Oh!

Ah!

[belches]

[incoming projectile whistling]

[door slams]

-Talk, Mikey, talk!
-Please!

I'm sorry, but I just can't tell you
about our wonderful Saturday surprise

until everyone is here,
and that includes T. J.

I wish Teej would just show already.
This is driving me nuts.

Here he comes!

Guys! Guys! Guess what we're doing
Saturday!

Going to visit senior citizens.

Good one, Mikey, but no.

We're going to the
Señor Fusion fest at the mall.

Oh, man, T. J., you serious?

S. F. Himself is gonna be there,

signing trading cards
and any flat surface you bring.

-[everyone] Oh, yeah!
-But I made an appointment this Saturday

for us to share our youth
with those less youthful

at the Red "Biff" Danderson Center
for the extremely mature.

Sorry, Mikey, but if the choice is
Señor Fusion or an old-folks home,

the guy in the matador get-up
wins every time.

Perhaps, we could visit
the old-folks home some other Saturday.

But I promised I'd arrive
with five friends this Saturday.

Um, maybe you can find five other friends.

Or maybe I can find a way to convince
the five friends I already have.

"Give me liberty or give me death!"

Powerful, powerful words!

And now, let's take minutes to discuss
your history project with your partners.

I suspect a little trip to the library

will provide the required historical data,
eh, Mickey?

Maybe, but a little visit to
the Danderson Center this Saturday

would provide real, live historical data.

While that's true, I believe
we could easily extrapolate

most of that data from books
and other secondary sources

without having to miss
the Señor Fusion fest on Saturday.

Oh.

[indistinct conversations]

Mikey, no! How many times
do I have to say it?

Oh, T. J., please, think it over.
These old people have experienced

the most amazing things
in their lifetimes.

Mikey, the Fusion fest is gonna be

one of the most amazing experiences
in my lifetime.

All right, that does it.
No more Mr. Mike guy.

[reciting] Sitting in my rocking chair,
looking to the door,

I dream of someone standing there,
I couldn't ask for more.

Though now I'm old and getting round,
can sometimes cause a fuss,

I know I'd like to have a friend,
maybe one named Gus?

Gee, I sort of know how they feel.

OK, when do we leave?

Can you two imagine your grandparents,

all alone, waiting for some
youthful cheer?

Don't go there, Mickey.

Now imagine their sad faces

when they hear you're not coming.

-[sniffles] Granny and Papa sad?
-Oh, man!

OK, Mikey, count me in.

Thanks, Spinelli, not just from me,

but from all those dear,
sweet, older people

who'll be overjoyed
to see the three of us.

Make it four.

[in Spanish] Hello, my friends.

[in English] I come to you
now with a majority.

What? You guys gave in?

Come on, guys, the Señor Fusion fest
is a once in a lifetime happening.

Is this fictional favorite of yours

really more important
than living, breathing people?

Quit asking me hard questions, Mikey!

Sorry to interrupt,
but according to my calculations,

we could fit in time for both
on the same day.

Oh, joy!

I'll give it half an hour.
We get in, we get out.

Nobody gets bored.

[Mikey] Here we are,
about to begin the greatest Saturday ever.

I can't wait to see the smiles
on their faces when they see us.

[bell ringing]

Go away! We don't want any!

Well, we tried. Let's hit the Fusion Fest.

Wait, friends, I'm sure it was
just some misunderstanding.

-What do you want?
-Please, ma'am, I'm Mikey Blumberg.

My friends and I are here for a visit.

Oh! Oh, young'uns!
Well, why didn't you say so before?

I thought you were another salesman.

Come in, come in.

See, guys? We're gonna have
a wonderful time.

Speaking of time, Gus, initiate stopwatch.

Stopwatch initiated,
minutes and counting, Teej.

Let's do it.

Look who's here, everybody,

the kid who's supposed to sing
for us and his little friends.

[cooing and giggles]

Look at those cheeks.
Come here, young fella.

-Hey! I saw him first.
-See how happy they are to have us here?

Come on, boyo, we got
a karaoke machine and everything.

Have fun, guys. I'm sure I will.

Come on, girlie, you're with me.

-So, what do we do now?
-I don't know. Mingle?

-Morning.
-Hi, there. I'm T. J.

I bet you are. I heard a bunch of you,
youngsters were coming.

Kid, you know what's wrong
with your generation?

-Uh...
-No direction.

That's right! Kids today
are plain unfocused.

All of you could really use
a uniting cause,

like our generation had in World w*r II.

I'm George and you look familiar.

Uh, no, I don't!

There's something about your face.

[gulp] My--My face?

Hello, sir, I'm Gretchen Grundler.

Oh, honey, there's no use
chatting it up with Norris.

See, he hasn't said a peep in years.

Perhaps he's shy. Uh,
how about this weather we've been having?

Perhaps you'd like to point out how
tough things were when you were my age.

Uh, Streak, it's your move.

Yammer all you want, kid.

Nobody ruins the Streak's rhythm.

In through the front door,
once around the back,

peek through the window,
and out jumps Jack.

Keep it up, and off jumps Spinelli.

[music plays]

♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪

♪ Du dah, du dah ♪

Squaresville, kid, give us a break.

Where did we put that hook
we used during the talent show?

♪ Gwine to run all night... ♪

Boo! Boo!

-[booing and singing overlap]
-♪ Somebody bet on the-- ♪

Testing. One, two. Testing.

Microphone ain't the problem, sonny,
it's you! You stink!

That certainly is
a nice sweater you have on.

I'm running out of topics.
Perhaps you'd care to discuss

the physics of subatomic particles.

Now that I'm declassified,
I'd be delighted.

I happen to have been
a prime mover on the Manhattan Project.

You helped develop the w*apon
that ended World w*r II?

But surely everyone here
would love to hear your stories.

Most people here aren't stimulating enough
to waste the diffusion of carbon dioxide,

but, you, you seem possessed of a mind.

Oh, my! Well, thank you.

OK, OK, you've seen me before!
Just don't hurt me!

Relax, little buddy, I wouldn't hurt you.

You see, I know what it's like
to be a little guy.

-Lookit.
-Hey, that looks like me!

So that's where I saw you.

-It was my mirror, years ago.
-But you're so big now.

-Is your daddy big and strong?
-Yeah, he's ginormous.

Chances are, you'll grow up
to be just like him.

You think so?

Hey, Streak, is there a basketball hoop
around this joint somewhere?

This domino game moves too slow.

It's all about concentration,
which is what you gotta have

when you're at bat,
facing Satchel Paige in the show.

What? You sayin'
you used to play pro baseball?

Used to bat cleanup,
back when Birmingham had a team.

You played for Birmingham?

They had some
of the greatest players of all time!

Who you tellin'?
I played with all of them.

Now, take that, Willie Mays kid, now.

This knitting stuff is for sissies.

Mind if I flip on the tube
so I can catch the wrestling?

Go ahead, if you like watching
weaklings in tights,

but them wimps don't know
nothin' about real fightin'.

-A boxing glove?
-Just the lining.

Ha! Only reason I knit is to keep
my wrists and forearms strong.

Never know when some vacuum salesman
won't take no for an answer.

You got to be kiddin' me.

Merchant marines never kid.

You were a merchant marine?

For years. Boy, those were the days,

back when you could give
a dirty double-crosser the old one-two.

And that's why there's nothin' worth
listening to on the radio these days.

Detention with Finster might be
more fun than this.

Hmm! I remember
when I was detained back in the w*r.

There were these two crazy old officers
that were always cracking down on us.

[German accent] Rogan!
You wouldn't have any idea what happened

to the secret communique
I received today, would you?

Why, no, commandant Pricklydon,
not at all.

Have you asked the sergeant?

Von Finstrom?

[German accent] Sir, I haven't seen it.
In fact, I haven't seen a thing.

[muffled laughter]

Rogan!

Wow, Mr. Rogan!

That's way cooler than anything
I would've heard at the Señor Fusion fest.

Señor Fusion fest?

Oh, well, you see, he's a superhero
you probably never heard of.

The name sort of rings a bell.

-This him?
-Wait a minute!

You--You're leapin' Larry Rogan,
the creator of Señor Fusion?

[laughing] Well, back in the day

we called him Señor Electricity.

Come on, T. J., hurry up!

-It's time to catch the bus! Let's go!
-Bu--Bu--

Thank goodness that's over.
Let's get out of here.

But, Mikey, this Rogan guy
invented Señor Fusion.

That's nothing, T. J.,
my guy worked at Los Alamos.

He actually had access to test sites!

Well, my lady's teaching me a thing or two
about dealing with southpaws.

Come on, guys, the bus is here!
We don't want to miss the fest!

But the Streak was just
about to give me base-running tips.

I'm not goin' nowhere.

Yeah, come on, Mikey, we're going back in.

No! I won't go back in there!

I can't deal with those
crazy old folks anymore!

Sure you can, Mikey.

They're not crazy. They're great!

-They're booing me!
-Huh?

I expected everyone to be happy
just listening to me sing.

Instead, all they do is complain
about the songs I'm singing.

Well, did you ask them
what songs they'd like to hear?

Uh, no.

Maybe if you listen
to what they're saying,

you'll learn some neat stuff
and make a few new friends.

Sure worked that way for all of us.

Gee, I guess I wasn't thinking
about it like that, T. J.

-Up for giving it another sh*t?
-Why, yes, I think I am.

Hello again, ladies.

Well, looky here. Big boy's back.

I'll now be taking requests.

Oh, ho! Now, that's more like it.

You were singing stuff
my mother listened to.

How about Raul and the g*ng,
or maybe Johnny Velvet?

Oh, yeah, that cat really swings.
Here, boyo, try this one.

[lively music plays]

♪ Que simpatico ♪

♪ Means I think you're fine ♪

[cheering]

♪ Que simpatico ♪

♪ Because you're divine ♪

♪ Let me tell you, now ♪

♪ Sometimes
I just have to shout "que simpatico" ♪

♪ Let my feelings ride out
Que simpatico ♪

♪ You are, without a doubt
Que simpatico ♪

♪ I'm so glad you're mine ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

[cheers and applause]

Happy Saturday, everybody!

Hit me, T J.! I'm open! I'm open!

I'm free, T.J.! Hit me!

-Ah! Don't hit me!
-I'll take that.

And I'll take it back.

I don't think so.

-Two more points! Woo-hoo!
-Out of time!

Phew! And so ends / minutes
of " on Vince" basketball.

Good game, guys. I'm practically sweating.

You're just saying that.

Au contraire, he's glistening.

This was a great idea, Teej.

What could be more fun than playing
a little roundball with your best friends?

Especially when we're ditching
a state mandated scalp-care lecture.

Which, by the way,
we should really be getting back to.

Adult head lice, pediculus humanae,

are small, flat-bodied, wingless insects.

These nasty little buggers
are known as parasites,

which means they grow and feed off
of another animal.

[principal]
Don't let that animal be you.

In summary,

head lice infect over
million Americans every year.

Guys, looks like we made it. Ah!

Hey! What's the big idea, Menlo?

Ah, T. J. Detweiler and his pals.

It appears as though you slipped out

on Principal Prickly's lecture.

Apparently, I'll need to arrange
a make-up lecture for you after school.

-What!
-No way!

Are you psychologically imbalanced?

You've got no right
to keep us after school.

He doesn't, but I do. You, rapscallions,
will report for the make-up lecture

just as he says,

and I appoint young Menlo here

to personally proctor your lesson.

Always happy to serve.

[principal] To prevent lice from spreading
and laying their eggs, called nits,

avoid sharing personal items
such as hats, coats, brushes, combs.

Remember, the scalp you save
may be your own.

All right, lecture's over.

Blasted health department, do-gooders,
eating into my golf time.

And that concludes our lesson.

Sheesh! About time! Maybe if we hurry

we could still make Kelso's
for an ice crackling, cold soda.

[everyone] Sounds good! I'm there!

Ah, ah, ah, gentlepeople, not so fast.

I've been asked to administer
a scalp-care quiz.

Unbelievable!

A quiz? Man, this all whomps!

[clears throat] question one:

"nit". Spell and define.

M-e-n-l--

Ah, ah, ah.

I can't believe it!
Menlo dweebed us again!

Come on, Spinelli, he's just
a kid doing his job. Forget about it.

I'm afraid I have to agree
with Spinelli, T. J.,

dealing with Menlo can be
a very dispiriting experience.

No kidding.

Hey! I just remembered something!

My mom said she could drive us

to Commander Blaine's
cartoon call-out on Saturday.

Yes! Nothing shakes off
the fourth-grade blues

better than screaming
for your favorite cartoon!

Yeah! And with all of us
working as a team,

we'll be controlling the cartoons all day.

Blaine will be at our mercy.

Let's practice. Give me a "fusion"!

[everyone] Señor Fusion!

Give me a "Beanie"!

[everyone] Beanie McChimp!

I can't hear you!

[everyone] Señor Fusion! Beanie McChimp!

[laughter]

[sigh]

Hey, Teej, you weren't shouting.

-Yeah, what's with the mime act?
-Without you,

we can hardly expect to reach
the decibel level

appropriate for taking command
of Saturday morning programming.

Well, uh, heck, guys, you don't need me.

You're doing great. Tender, even.

Besides, I can't go.

-What do you mean?
-Surely, you jest.

Yeah, what's up with that?

Uh, nothing,
just something else I got to do.

Well, got to go.

T. J. missing
a Commander Blaine cartoon call-out?

That is bizarre.

Particularly, considering these
call outs represent

a perfect marriage of T. J.'s dual loves,

shouting and cartoons.

Guys, something here ain't tender,

and I say we find out what's what.

I just don't want to talk about it, OK?

But, T.J., surely you have
a sensible explanation

for why you can't attend the call out.

Yeah, Teej, no more bull yank!
We want the truth.

The truth, eh? The truth is

I got something important
I gotta do on Saturday.

More important
than a call out with your pals?

[Menlo] Well, well, well,

if it isn't the scalp squad.

I just got the results of your quizzes.

Guess which one of you spelled
"nit" with a "k."

That is correct,
and your scores reflect it.

Look here, Menlo,
I may not be able to spell "nit,"

but I can spell "black eye"
with either fist.

I can see I've dallied here long enough.
Good day.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah,
demanding an explanation.

Um, say, anybody catch "Wild World
of Dangerous Mishaps" on cable?

Yeah. Tractors and tap-dancing
definitely do not mix.

Hey, no changing the subject.

-Yeah, T. J.
-Who is it?

Tell us, Teej.

Just some boring junk.
Now, leave me alone.

I got to go do some homework.

Skipping call outs? Doing homework?

Who is that boy?

[sighs] Freedom. Another school day down.

So, what's the haps for this afternoon?

I'm up for heading to Kelso's
for something frosty. What do you say?

Wild Finsters couldn't keep me away.

It would butter my fancy.

Gretchen Grundler present
and accounted for.

Too bad T. J. isn't present
and accounted for.

Where is that bad boy anyway?

He told me he had an errand
to run after school.

First, he bags on us for Saturday,

then he's doing homework. Now this?

A kid could get the feeling
he doesn't like hanging with us anymore.

I'm sure whatever reason T. J. has
for being unavailable to us is a good one.

Hey, there's T. J., now!

Here you go, T. J., all wrapped up
nice and special.

-Hope your friend likes it.
-Thank you, Mr. K. Uh, hey, guys.

This is the errand you had to run?
Buying a present?

[laughs nervously] Yeah.

We heard it's for a friend.

Yeah, it's for a friend.

Oh, T. J., how thoughtful!

-Different friend, Mikey.
-Oh.

Well, T. J., if you've made
a new acquaintance,

I'm sure we'd all be delighted
to meet him.

Thanks for the offer, Gretch,
but no. Got to go.

Oh, great. T. J.'s got
a secret new friend,

-and he's buying him stuff.
-[Randall] That's nothing.

minutes ago, I saw him trying suits on
at the town's edge mall.

A suit? Oh, my!
Our little T. J.'s getting married!

I think he's running for mayor.

Could we be losing T. J.?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Whatever's going on,

T.J.'s new pal must really be
something special

If he wants to hang out
with him more than us.

-I just wish I knew who he was.
-Or she.

Well, whoever it is, they're taking
our freckleberry friend away from us.

And I say, call out or no call out,

we gotta find out what's what
and who's who.

-But how?
-We do it like any gumshoe would, Gus,

first thing Saturday morning,
we put a tail on that boy.

You're gonna follow him? Oh, boy! Moist!

-You stay away.
-[groans]

There he goes!

Let's follow him.
Remember, maintain shadow distance.

[sniffles] T J. taught us that.

Where are we?

All the houses. They're the same.

Not a single blade of grass
or leaf out of place.

What manner of child
would live in a place like this?

That's what we're here to find out.

[whistling]

-He's whistling!
-Such a joyful boyhood tune!

Intriguing.

Shh! Here comes the moment of truth.

-Mikey, you're crushing my hand!
-Sorry.

[doorbell rings]

[everyone gasps]

Hello, Menlo, Happy birthday.

Howdy, T. J.
You're just in time for punch.

But don't overdo it.
My uncle added fluoride.

-Swell.
-Some friend!

He dumped us for Menlo?

Who knew Menlo had birthdays?

Or that he was a sheriff.

T. J. throwing us over for Menlo?

Children, we are through
the looking glass.

[indistinct conversations]

[crackling]

[cheers and applauses]

[all gasp]

[ponies whinnying]

[cheering]

-Why would T. J. do that to himself?
-Why would he do that to us?

Menlo's caused us nothing
but trouble from day one,

and now Teej is giving him a present?

Some friend, indeed.

Guys, here he comes.

Oh! [laughs nervously]
What are you guys doing here?

Better question, what are you doing here?

Aren't you missing the cartoon call out?

We came to call you out instead.
Go, Vince.

So Menlo is your new friend, huh?

-We thought we were your friends.
-[Gus] Yeah!

Guys, guys, wait a second! I can explain!

Oh, T. J.! T.j.! I'm glad I caught you.

You left without your party favor.

I think you'll really enjoy it.

[Menlo] Remember this?

Hey! That's you and T. J.!

Yes, that was back
at my fourth birthday party.

You two look like you're... pals.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

But, yes, as tykes, T. J. and I
were quite inseparable.

You might say we were the best of friends.

If I wasn't looking
at a picture, I would not believe it.

Yes, what happened?

We got older. Our interests diverged.
One accepts these things.

But T. J. was such a large part
of my life, it seemed a shame

that nothing would remain
to remind me of our friendship.

T. J. Sensed how I felt, so he made
a promise that no matter what happened,

every year he would come
to my birthday party.

Even if you're constantly dweebing him?

Your words, not mine.

And despite how we've changed,
I must say, he's been true to his word.

-A promise is a promise.
-But you guys don't even hang out anymore.

And that's OK, Gus,

'cause we'll always have the memories
of that special time.

Because of T. J.

Well, forgive me, but I still have guests.

Catch you later. Not if I catch you first.

Wow, keeping a crummy promise
after all these years.

Teej, you really are some friend.

I can't believe we doubted you.

-I didn't.
-Me neither.

What you talkin' about, Gretch?

Hey, guys! The cartoon call out
isn't over, yet.

If we hurry, we can still get to see
our favorites.

-Give me a "Fusion"!
-[everyone] Señor Fusion!

-Give me a "Beanie"!
-[everyone] Beanie McChimp!

Tie 'em together, better than ever!

[everyone] Señor Fusion, Beanie McChimp!

[laughter]
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