03x29 - Don't Ask Me/The Secret Life of Grotke

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[cheering]

[yell]

[whimper]

[scream]

[gulp]

[burp]

Consider the elk in late winter,

leaving footprints in the melting snow.

And...

That is all. Thank you for entrusting me
with your deepest concerns.

How is that going to help us

dig around that water main?

Oh, as the river flows to the sea,

so, too, must one's morning juice.

[Randall] Stay away! Don't touch me!

I bruise easy!

Go ahead and run, weasel!
And stop snooping on my friends!

Pardon me, menacing traveler.

Might I trouble you to rest on my blanket

whilst I make my morning pilgrimage

to the room reserved for boys?

What's in it for me?

[Guru Kid] An earthly delight.

Winger dingers, huh?
You got yourself a deal.

But make it snappy.

A thousand thank-yous.

Man, chasing after fraidy-cats
sure builds up an appetite.

Hey, you aren't Guru Kid.

I'm just holding down the blankie
till he gets back.

I was sorta hoping for some advice.

Oh, well.

I guess I'll just go away.

[grunts]

Get back here.
You're k*lling me with that look.

[Spinelli] What's the prob?

Well, I was supposed to get my sister
a birthday present,

but I kind of spent all my money on candy.

Is that it? Sheesh.
Just make her something.

Do you think that'll work?

I know it'll work.

What are you, in first, second grade?

It works till fifth grade,

then you start coming across
with the loot.

Now go glue some macaroni
to a piece of construction paper

and leave me alone.

Gosh! Thanks for the advice, Guru Lady.

Guru Lady? If he were bigger than me,

I'd have to thwack him one for that.

Hey, Spinelly, got some answers for a guy
who's a little down on his luck?

What? No, sorry. You're mistaking me
for the kid with the turban.

What is he up to, anyway,
retiling the place?

But you gave that other kid advice.
I saw ya.

Yeah, but... Oh, brother.

OK, in words or less,
what's the problem?

Then me next, huh, Spinelli?

Oh, sure. What's more fun
than spending your recess

telling kids what to do?

[toilet flushes]

Ahh, consciousness renewed.

What's this?

You call that a problem?
I've had problems.

And that ain't no problem.

How amusing. It appears the pugnacious one

has taken to the blanket.

There you are. It's about time.

You seem to be right at home.

Whatever, I'm out of here.

What is it you need, fellow child?

From you? Nothing. Spinelli, wait up!

[kid] I need some advice!

Yo, Gus, you going to eat your cornbread?

Nah, cafeteria cornbread is so dry,

it gives me the hiccups.

That's 'couse you don't know the secret
of gelatin jam.

Watch and learn, my friend.

See, the standard issue
lime gelatin dessert

lubes up the cornbread.

[munch]
Now you try.

I don't want to.

Oh, come on. It's good. Trust me.

[Gordy] There you are, Spinelli.

Thanks again for the ultra-swell advice.

Forget about it.

Ha, fat chance.
You're better than Guru Kid.

Better than Guru Kid?
What's he talking about?

Spinelli filled in for Guru Kid
and rocked the proverbial house.

I watched his blankie. No biggie.

Well, how about that?

Our very own Spinelli
giving people helpful advice.

-Come on, Teej.
-[kid] Howdy.

Hey, kid. I barely recognized you
with a smile on your mouth.

My sister loved her birthday collage.

She said it was her bestest gift.

Aw, jeez, cut it out, will you?

Have a nice, happy day, Advice Girl.

What do you know? Maybe I am that good.

[much]
Spinelli. You were right.

This cornbread is great, and no hiccups.

You expected less from Advice Girl?

Here's what you do.

Write your book report tonight

and tape the "Beanie McChimp"
season finale.

[Spinelli] Then watch it on the weekend
at your leisure.

Paint it brown. Next!
[finger snap]

And a one and a two and a...
[scream]

Switch to piano lessons.
Let's keep it moving, people!

[children chattering]

[Gretchen] Fascinating.
Spinelli really seems

to have taken to her Advice Girl role.

But I wonder how Guru Kid
feels about all this.

Gee, you think he's mad?

Does that look like a mad kid to you?

-[Gus] Guru Kid's got a shirt on!
-[Mikey] And shoes too!

This can't be good. Come on.

[T.J.] Guru Kid, what are you doing
wearing a--

Please, I am not Guru Kid.
Today I am Jimmy.

[all] Jimmy?
There has been a change

in the flow of energy.

There is a new "One" on the playground.

And you're OK with that?

Sure. Why not? It is recess, after all.

Time to try my luck on the slide.

He seems OK with it.

Yeah, I'm just wondering
if I'm going to be OK with it.

[muttering]

[boy] What should I do?

[girl] What about homework?

[boy #] I need answers now.

Please, of course you can wear it
two days in a row.

Just don't get hit by a car, OK?

[sobbing]

-Yo, Cornchip Girl.
-Uh-huh?

What gives?

Nothing. Just Sue Bob Murphy
stole my sack lunch

and ate it in front of me.

That ain't right.

Chippy, the Gutenberg headlock

ought to teach Sue Bob some manners.

It goes something like this.

Come at me like you mean to take my lunch.

Um, OK.

[thud]

[exclamations]

And then Cornchip Girl put me
in a Gutenberg headlock.

It was horrible!

[scoffs]
If Chippy tries the Gutenberg again,

you give her the simple counterthrow.

OK, now come at me
like you're Cornchip Girl with a grudge.

[sniffle]

-[thud]
-[exclamations]

I got to get Spinelli to teach me that.

Which of you scaredy mama's kids

wants to take on the one and only Lawson

and get...
[scream]

That's for making fun

of my birthday collage, big bully!

If you do what Spinelli
told you to do to me,

I'm going to do what Spinelli
told me to do to you.

[kid] Get back here,

or I'll really give you
something to limp about!

-[scream]
-[gasps]

What's happening

to our peaceful little playground?

I got a hunch Spinelli's advising kids

to start acting all Spinelli-like
about stuff.

A whole playground of Spinellis?

The mind reels.

Guys, I think it's time
to have a word with Advice Girl.

It's not karate, Randall. It's savate.

It was started by the French,

if you can believe that.

Just remember the kicks
and you should be fine

Gee, thanks, Spinelli.
[grunts]

Hey, Spinelli, got a minute?

Sure, Teej. My clients don't mind waiting.

In fact, some of them
won't make a move without me.

Now, who's bugging you?

No one, Spinelli. But haven't you noticed
what's going on around here?

There has been a % increase
in mix-em-ups

since you've been, ahem, advising kids.

Hey, kids are learning
to look out for themselves.

And I get satisfaction
out of helping people.

But I don't remember
this many kids fighting

when Guru Kid was giving out the advice.

That's because Guru Kid
didn't give kids advice they could use.

No, Guru Kid didn't give kids advice

They could use on each other.

If Guru Kid's advice
was so great,

why is everyone lined up
in front of me and not him?

Now if you'll excuse me.

All right, which one
of you monkeys is next?

[kids] Me! Me! Me!

Spinelli's gone over the edge.
We got to do something.

There's only one thing we can do.

We have to tell Jimmy
that playtime is over.

Say hey, Jimmy, what's the word?

The word today is "fun."

Well, yeah. Listen, I was hoping
you could give us some advice.

We need to know what we should do
to stop Spinelli.

Could you tell us, please?

No.

What do you mean, no?

Does a wave hit the sand castle

before the tide listens to the wind?

It is not time.

Perhaps it is time now?

No.

Stay away!

Apologize, Gelman,

or I'll savate you into submission!

O artist formerly known as Guru Kid,

surely it's time now.

-♪ La la la la la ♪
-Oh, boy...

[kid] Try cutting in line
in the cafeteria again,

and I'll whack your butt good, bully!

This place is worse than a hockey rink

Guys, if Spinelli won't stop advising,

and Guru Kid won't start,

it's up to us
to help smooth things over around here.

[children yelling]

-That sandwich is mine!
-It's mine!

Children, please,

shouting and yelling
never solved anything.

You should try singing.

[Brandon] ♪ Stop ♪

[chanting] Body slam!

Well, it usually helps things.

-That's mine!
-It's mine!

[girl] Give it to me right now!

Here, Mikey, hold this a moment.

Now, surely there's a compromise
that can be made.

Perhaps if we split the sandwich
in equal parts...

That's the kid who charged us too much

for that lousy sandwich
in the first place!

Huh? Uh, we're closed.

-[yelling]
-[boy] Let me at him!

[both sigh]

[shouting]

♪ Thank you, Gus, good day ♪

OK, you tykes. Move along.

There's nothing to see here.

Get kid with glasses!

No, no!
[scream]

Body slam! Body slam! Body slam!

-Let me at him! Let me at him!
-Hey! Let go!

-This is exhausting.
-[grunts]

It's like there's new Spinellis
running around.

You don't suppose it's time, do you?

Good sweet Mike, I hope so.

Jimmy, is it time yet?

It's total chaos out there.

It is not yet time.

But when, oh, when will it be time?

[yelling]

That doesn't sound too good.

Then we had a major lip gloss fight,
just as you advised,

and I used up
my whole tube of precious peach.

You told Upside-Down Girl
to take my dodgeball,

and now she keeps hitting me with it.
And that hurts

You taught Sue Bob Murphy
how to pick on me again.

-Now I want a piece of you!
-[angry shouting]

Stay back, back, I tell you!
You can't do this to me!

I-I created you.

[Spinelli] Stop!

Ah.

Now is the time.

[yelling]

No!
[scream]

Wait. This is not the way.

Step aside, skinny.
Spinelli's got it coming.

Does she? And why's that?

Did you not all receive
the help you sought?

[kids] Uh, yeah...

Blame not the adviser
if one chooses to take her advice.

Do we not all have the free will
to do as we choose?

[muttering]

Why, then, hold her responsible
for your actions

[Guru Kid] Or yours or yours?

You know, turban boy makes sense.

I mean, nobody told us
we had to listen to Spinelli.

Thank you, Spinelli, for holding my place.

Hey, no sweat. Never ask again.

Now let us all consider the aardvark.

Note the spelling. Why two A's?

[murmuring]

Spinelli, you survived.

Thanks to you guys.

You sent Guru Boy to save
my hide just in time.

Hey, it was time.

Actually, Spinelli, it was like Guru Kid
knew all along what was going to happen.

And he knew just when to step in.

I guess he really does have
some genuine wisdom after all.

Oh, he's wise, all right.

Never give the masses anything

they can hold against you later.

Well, I've had it with advising junk.

I say we play a game.

Yeah, unwind a little, but what to play?

Spinelli, what would you recommend
we play?

Do me a favor, Gretch. Don't ask me.

[laughing]

As a wise person once said,

"you can't judge a book by its cover,"

and never has nature proved
this more pointedly

than in the case of the adorable
North American horned toad.

[Grotke] Because the horned toad
has a round body

that looks like a frog or toad,
it was given the name toad.

-[cell phone ringing]
-[murmurs]

Um, unlike frogs and toads,
which are amphibians,

-the horned toad is actually a lizard
-[cell phone ringing]

-and is found only in dry areas.
-[cell phone ringing]

-[murmurs]
-Excuse me, class.

[whispering]
Hello? Yes, of course.

[Grotke] Yes, I know. The black hat.
Yes, of course.

[Grotke] OK, bye, then.

I'm sorry, class. Now,
about this toad that isn't a toad...

[bell rings]

: already?

Everyone, please enjoy
pages to for tomorrow,

and I'll see you in the morning.

That was really strange.

Yeah, Miss Grotke never got
a phone call in class before.

Or run out of class like a spider
without asking us if we had any questions.

Yeah, and she didn't flash us
her usual "" sign.

That's a peace sign, Gus.

Clearly, Miss Grotke's mind
is on something else...

Something besides our little school.

No way. The only important place
to teachers is their classrooms.

Is it, Spinelli?

I mean, have you ever asked yourself
what teachers actually do

when school's over?

I thought they sat at their desk
real still until we come back.

Nah, I always figured they worked out
at a faculty gym somewhere.

-You think?
-Come on.

Curious postulation.

Oh, my, oh, my. Oh, bummer.
I'm going to be late.

Oh, children. I didn't see you there.

Well, I really must run. Peace.

Uh, did Miss Grotke have handcuffs?

Yeah, and a handkerchief, too.

Talk about your weird.

What could she need those for?

Don't know, Gretch,
but I'm up to here with questions.

I say we get some answers.

-Hold up. There she is.
-[thud]

Boy, Miss Grotke's always telling us

to keep our desks neat,

but look how messy her trunk is.

Yes, quite peculiar.

-[door slam]
-[motor sounds]

Peculiar ain't the half of it.

Let's look at the facts:

Miss Grotke gets a call in class,

and rushes out of school
with a pair of handcuffs,

and now we find her car's a big mess.

It all adds up to one thing:

Grotke's an offbeat
undercover cop like on TV.

Or maybe she's with the bureau,

and that black bag's loaded
with high-tech contraptions

to help her catch aliens.

I'm down with Teej on this one,

I bet she got the call
to go bust some perps.

Two blocks from school she'll probably
slap around a red light on top of her car.

But Miss Grotke is such
a sweet, kind, and gentle soul.

Mikey's right. But let's all remember
it was Miss Grotke who taught us

not to rush to conclusions about people.

Good point, Gretch.
What we need is more proof.

Let's all meet back here
tomorrow morning early.

Then we can really start investigating.

One way or another,

we're going to uncover
the secret life of Grotke.

Hey, guys, see anything good
and suspicious yet?

Nope. Me and Gus have been
staked out since :.

And all Miss Grotke's done
is clean up the classroom

and check papers.

Correction, Teej. At :,
she did leave the room briefly

For a drink of water.

Nothing weird about that.

Guys, look!

OK, now this is weird.

Yeah, who is that schmendrik?

Maybe he's her husband.

I don't believe Miss Grotke is married.

Shh. Something's going down.

Here we are, G.
I believe this is the item.

Thank you, V.

This is exactly
what the program calls for.

Right, then. Everything is go.

What is that thing?

My guess... It's some sort of police box.

Whatever it is, it's evidence.

Perhaps it contains a disguise.

One of you is right.
I'm almost certain of it.

Cheerio.

[Gretchen] Look,
that MO sticker on the bumper...

That's the international abbreviation
for Moldavakia.

-Moldovakia?
-Where the heck is that?

Moldavakia is a former
Eastern Bloc country

famous for its luge team,
tiny ceramic gnomes,

and espionage.

Of course. The mysterious phone call,

The weird guy from Moldy-vakia,

this creepy fog
hanging around the school...

There's no other explanation.
Miss Grotke's a spy.

-A spy?
-My word.

A fourth grade teacher...
What a great cover.

I can't believe it. I won't believe it.

Believe it, Mikey.

The box with a star
for Miss Grotke's "program"...

I'm telling you guys, all the evidence
points in one direction...

S-P-I.

Actually, it's S-P-Y,

but T.J. Makes
a rather compelling argument.

But wait a second.

Is she one of ours or one of theirs?

In , a consortium
of multinational conglomerates

[Grotke] founded the Free Will Games,

a series of sporting events
held every / years

to encourage international
cooperation and goodwill.

Uh, yes, Vince?

Miss Grotke, in these so-called games,

you root for the team representing

Our United States of America, do you not?

Of course I do, Vince.

[sighs of relief]

So, in that spirit
of international cooperation,

many nations... Yes, Gus?

You root that way

because the U.S. Is the best country

in the whole wide world,
right, Miss Grotke?

That's not necessarily true, Gus.

[murmurs]

In fact, many countries do far better
than the United States.

Oh, yeah? Name some.

Well, historically,

Scandinavian countries
have done quite well.

and of course, there's no b*ating
the Moldavakian luge team.

[murmuring]

I see.

Well, guys, it's a tie.

for our side, for them.

Which means we know as much
about Miss Grotke's loyalties

as we did before.

There's one thing
we haven't checked out...

That box. I say we look inside.

If it contains
U.S. Nuclear airplane secrets,

We know she's one of them.

If it contains plans
for tiny ceramic gnomes,

she's one of ours.

Well, what are we waiting for?

There it is... the answer box.

What if it's radioactive?

Then I'd better open it.
I'm wearing a jacket.

Wait, friend. Consider for a moment
if that box was yours.

Would you want someone else to open it?

Come on, Mikey,

the security of the free world
could be at stake.

That doesn't change the fact
that the box is property of Miss Grotke.

-Who cares? Open it up.
-[door closing sound]

Wait, guys. Somebody's coming.

Children, why are you in here

[Grotke] and not outside enjoying recess?

Uh, we, uh, felt like reading?

Oh, how refreshing, Vincent.

Then let's all open
our social science textbooks

to chapter seven, "Democracy and you."

[Menlo] Excuse me, Miss Grotke?

Someone named V just called for you
at the office.

He asked that you meet him
at Gluklik Platz

At : today.

Oh, dear, uh...
Thank you for the message, Menlo.

Certainly. All part of a boy's life.

Um, excuse me, children.

I, uh, I have some things I need to do.

She took the box.

Looks like there's only one way
to solve this mystery now.

And that means come :,

all of us are going to be
at Good Luck Plates.

Actually, T.J., it's pronounced...

Gluklik Platz!

[bells ringing]

OK, guys, we got five minutes

before Miss Grotke's supposed to arrive.

Then we'll see what kind
of after-hours espionage

Miss Grotke is involved in.

Whoa! A spy ring in Little Bavaria?

Such deceit
in the happiest neighborhood in town.

It can't be.

Hey, guys, this is number .

[Gretchen] A used bookstore?

It's got to be a front.

Yeah. Who in their right mind
would go into a used bookstore?

Well, actually, I occasionally--

Quick, guys. Secret agent Grotke at :.

[snoring]

-[door slam]
-Now's our chance. Come on!

[doorkeeper] Password?

Um, it's the plumber.
I've come to fix the sink.

It's been fixed. Sorry.

Oh, man. Now how are we
going to get in there?

Guys, if you're going to catch a spy,

you got to think like a spy.

OK, our cup phone is in position.

Now we just wait for another spy
to come along,

and chaka khan!
We got ourselves a password.

Here comes someone now.

T.J., I'm afraid
the transduction capabilities

of paper cups and strings
simply isn't good enough to--

[doorkeeper] Password?

[man] Swordfish.

-[all] Whoa...
-Amazing.

And now the truth of Grotke's double life

will be revealed.

[doorkeeper] Password?

Swordfish.

I'm not so sure this was a good idea.

Come now, Gus.
If Miss Grotke is welcome here,

I imagine we'll be just fine.

[screams]

Children, excellent. Follow me.

We'll begin at once.

He seems quite nice.

Are you crazy? He was expecting us!

Something's definitely up.

Everybody, follow my lead.

Please, sit down, children.

Now what?

[Mikey] Uh-oh. We're doomed!

-[metallic clang]
-[gasps]

You can't make us talk!
We don't know nothing!

[MC] Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting the one, the only,
Mysterious Grotke.

-[clapping]
-Thank you, and now for my first trick.

[gasps]

[cheering]

Glad we didn't open
that box in the classroom.

[gasp]

[cheering]

Let's hear it once more
for the Mysterious Grotke!

[crowd] Grotke! Grotke!
Grotke! Grotke! Grotke!

My goodness, what are you kids doing here?

We were going to ask you the same thing,

until we figured it out.

You really had us going there,
Miss Grotke

What with the leaving early,
and the phone calls, and the magic box.

And those cool trick handcuffs.

That was truly a great escape.
I almost leapt up to save you.

Thank you all. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

It goes to show you can't judge a book
by its cover.

Or a horny toad, neither.

One question, Miss Grotke:

Why be so secretive about your mastery
of legerdemain and sleight of hand?

Well, Gretchen, I've always
had a passion for magic,

but I never thought I was good enough.

So I thought I'd try out my act here

Before showing you kids at school.

You've got nothing
to worry about, Miss Grotke.

You're the best magician ever.

Well, then. Perhaps I can start
using my magic in class,

or even teaching you kids a trick or two,

-Like how to do this.
-[exclamations]

I'd like to propose a toast
to the not-so-mysterious Grotke,

a neat lady, a loyal American,
and a magician part excellence.

Actually, T.J.,
the term is "par excellence."

Check, and a heck of a teacher, too.