03x30 - Beyond a Reasonable Scout/The Army Navy Game

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Ah!

[burp]

Ha ha ha ha.

[grunts]

Well, Mikey, it looks
like we're stuck again.

I'm sorry, Gus.
Maybe I should just get off.

No, I'll fall!

From three feet up,
that sand is like cement.

Excuse me. Are you boys
having some trouble?

Yeah, Phil, I can't get down
unless Mikey gets off.

And if I climb off, Gus will be harmed.

Fear no more, civilians,

even if a giant boulder has fallen down

and broke your shoulder,
be he friend or be he stranger,

always help a kid in danger.

That's the official slogan of the Wild
Screaming Woodchuck Scouts.

It's not just a slogan, Mikey,
it's a way of life.

Hang on. I'll have you down in a jiffy.

This is what we in the wilderness trade
refer to as your basic

tree limb block and tackle.

Look at me.
I'm rising up like a yeasty loaf of bread.

Hey, I'm saved!

[all] Yay!

Thank you, folks.

Now a little privacy, please.

These boys have been through an ordeal.
You kids all right?

All right? Are you kidding?
I've never been rescued like that before.

Oh, it was nothing.
Riding up on Rattlesnake Mountain,

I used my trusty rope
to save a whole troop of toddler scouts

who had wandered into sulfuric acid gorge.

What a tremendous feat of heroism.

Yes, it was.

Yep, the scouting life
is pretty extraordinary.

Hiking through the woods,
sleeping under the stars,

sh**ting the breeze with Mr. Coyote.
Yip, yip, yeehaw.

If I could talk to Mr. Coyote, I would ask
for his thoughts on the balance of nature.

I'd ask him if he ever ate a guy.

That's amusing, boys.
But you'd best leave the wild animals

to a seasoned woodsman like me.

Well, gotta go. I've got a troop meeting
at my house tonight.

I better stalk that field over there
for some appetizers.

Wow. Look at him go.

He's the most resourceful boy I've met.

And just look at that uniform!

I sure wish I had a cool uniform
like that.

I would fancy a dashing neckerchief.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I believe I am.

[knock, knock]

Oh, it's you two.
More teeter-totter trouble?

Nothing like that, Phil.

We've come to join the Woodchuck Scouts.

Excuse me?

Your description of the outdoor life

has ignited a campfire
of ambition in our souls.

We've bought Woodchuck Scout handbooks
and everything.

I'm sorry, boys,
but becoming a Wild Screaming

Woodchuck Scout is a very complex process.

You can't just show up on a guy's doorstep
and expect to be let in.

Ah, but according to the handbook,

fourth grade boys are welcome to join.

Well, I guess the handbook does say that,

but the fact is you also have to prove
you're scouting material,

And frankly, I doubt that the two
of you have what it takes.

So how about if the two of you save
yourselves some embarrassment

and just go on home, huh?

Hey, I just noticed.
You're in your pajamas!

Aren't you having
a big troop meeting tonight?

Where are all the other scouts?

Uh, nevermind.
I'm not at liberty to discuss the issue

with plainclothes boys like you.

[woman] Phil, sweetie, it's time to brush
your teeth and go to bed.

Coming, mom!

I'm not gonna get rid of you guys just
by saying no, am I?

I pretty much don't think so, Phil.

Alright, then I'll put you to the test.

Tomorrow at recess, meet me up
behind the playground.

We'll quash your silly scouting dreams
once and for all.

[both] Yes, sir!

You know, Gus, if Phil hadn't been
so nice and helped us today,

I would say he was a rude boy.

He's a mysterious boy,
Mikey, and who knows?

Once we're scouts,

maybe we'll be mysterious boys, too.

[Vince] Well, guys,
this is it - recess time.

What exactly did Phil say
he's gonna do to you?

He said to meet him in the back
of the playground

so he could squash our dreams.

That doesn't sound very supportive.

The Wild Screaming Woodchuck Scouts

is a very exclusive organization.

Yeah, they need to weed out undesirables.

Listen, guys. I know you're excited,
but I got to warn you.

From where I stand, the scouting life
really isn't all it's chalked up to be.

You see, when we were littler,

Vince and me were
in the junior adventure scouts.

[both] Ah!

Ha ha ha.

Troop master kicked us out for that.

Crazy scouting code.

Let it go, Teej.

I'm sorry you got kicked out, T.J.,

But Mikey and I decided
this is something we really wanna do.

Well, if you really want to do it,
then all I can say is good luck.

[all] Yeah, man. Go for it.

[Phil] Yes, by all means, good luck, boys.

Because you're going to need it.

Come, meet your undoing.

[all] Whoa!

[Spinelli] What is that?!

[Phil] It's troop 's new applicant
wilderness survival proving ground.

Where did all that neat stuff come from?

I packed it in before sunrise.

Now, you two, follow me. Not you, people.

But we want to watch our friends.

Yeah, you know, we want to lend
them our support.

In the wilderness, there are
no friends to lend you their support,

only the unfeeling gaze of trout, lizards,
and the occasional skunk.

I'll skunk you if you
don't let us through.

I think it's only fair to warn you,
Spinelli, I'm highly trained

in the art of first aid.

Even if you injure me, I could
easily repair the damage.

It's okay, guys. We'll be all right.

In the immortal words
of Edmund P. Edmonton,

founder and national troop master
of the Wild Screaming Woodchuck Scouts:

"A scout is brave..."

A scout is fearless..."

And a scout is getting annoyed
waiting around for you two guys.

Bye now.

Alright, you two, let me warn you: a hike
in the woods is no walk in the park.

And when it comes
to mother nature, whoa, baby.

That old girl can be tougher
than Miss Finster.

[gulp]

Aha. How about now, tough boys?

Still sure you want
to be Woodchuck Scouts?

[Gus and Mikey] Yes, sir!

Oh, all right.

Let's begin.

You're lost in the woods.

I'm camped out west/northwest
of your current position.

Here's a compass. Now find me.

[metal crash]

[metal crash]

[bump]

[crash]

You found me.

[playing reveille]

Gentlemen, I give you the a*.

Sharp, heavy, and very, very dangerous.

Oh, boy. What do you want us to chop?

On second thought,
we'll just skip the axes.

Instead, let's see how you boys hike.

Keep up if you can.

[marching band music]

[panting]

Let them... follow... that. Ah!

Hi, Phil. We got separated from you,
so we took the canoe across the lake.

It was quite the delightful shortcut.

Oh! All right, so you
completed all the tasks

that I've given you except for one.

Gus, take three steps forward.

Ow!

For the love of pie, what are you doing?

You're hiking in the wilderness.

Your fellow scout has fractured his leg.

Save him, Mikey! Save him!

Hey, you can't just go around
knocking guys down like that.

I really could have broken my leg.

Your behavior seems very unscoutsmanlike.

Are you saying you refuse

to demonstrate
your first-aid skills to me?

Well, I mean...

Aha! A scout never gives up.

I'm sorry, boys. You were doing so well.

But now, if you're going to quit on me
like this,

to be honest, I question your character.

[Gus and Mikey] But... but...

Please leave the backpacks.
You won't be needing them.

[T.J.] He won't let you join?

[Vince] You've got to be kidding!

If that doofus feels qualified
to be a Woodchuck Scout,

anyone qualifies to be a Woodchuck Scout.

He said he questioned our character.

What? Why, that's preposterous.

Maybe, but he's in charge of the troop,
so he's in charge of who gets to join.

He may be in charge of the troop,

but he's not in charge
of the national organization.

Hello, Gretchen. May I help you?

You certainly may, Galileo.

Boot up your wireless web connection.

I'm sending an angry e-mail.

Oh.

[woman's voice] You have
an e-mail message.

[telephone rings]

[wood drumming]

[sniffs]

Sasquatch, my old elusive quarry.

I've got you this time.

[drumming]

What's this? Bah!

I'll be back for you,
you clever giant missing link.

[sigh] It's been a week now,
and still no response to my angry e-mail.

Well, guys, looks like we're out of luck.

Good morning, children.

I'm looking for a boy named Phil.

Uh, yes, sir. He's over there.

Edmund P. Edmonton. Sir, what an honor
it is to meet you.

Is there something I can do for you?

Yes, there is, scout. I received a message

that you wouldn't allow two young boys
to join your troop.

[Gus and Mikey] That's us!

I suppose you have a valid reason.

I explained it to them, sir,
their character

just isn't up to
Woodchuck Scout standards.

That's not true! They're the most
characterized people I know.

[all] He's right!

Young man...

[gulp] Well, even if they had good
character,

I can't let them in my troop
because it's full.

Tell me, son, how many members
are in your troop?

Oh, troop master Edmonton,
I cannot lie to you.

There are no other boys in my troop.

I don't want any other boys
in my troop.

[all] Ah!
[Mikey] I don't understand!

You see, being a Woodchuck Scout
is my life.

I'm the only guy in school with a uniform.
It makes me feel, well, special.

If other Woodchuck Scouts started
showing up around the playground, then...

Heck, I'd just be another kid.

Son, does the Mighty Redwood stand alone?

[sniff] I don't know.

No, it doesn't. It stands in a forest
full of other redwoods.

But that doesn't make it any less
magnificent.

I guess.

Even the famed lone wolf
travels in a pack,

making beautifully short work

of the caribou that has
straggled from the herd.

I never thought of that.

These friends here, they stick together.
They help each other.

Learn from them.

Adopt their habits of survival.

You'll find yourself
a better scout because of it.

I'd like to try, sir, but after all I did,

aren't you going to kick me out?

Son, it wasn't easy for you,
but you demonstrated

the first founding principle
of the Woodchuck Scouts: Honesty.

I'd be honored to share a bag of
trail mix with you any time.

[Gus and Mikey] I will be trusty,

I will be nice,
I will be faithful and good.

I will not litter and,

I will not throw rocks at nature.

[coyote howls]

Why, it's Mr. Coyote.

What's he saying, Phil?

Well, boys, of course
you can't understand,

but to the experienced ear like mine...

He's saying, "Congratulations

and welcome to the Woodchuck Scouts."

[imitating coyote]

And so, last night it occurred to me
in a fanciful dream

that our cafeteria's monthly German
seafood festival

could, in fact, be a thing of beauty.

What are you talking about?

They just call it
a German seafood festival

so they can get rid
of leftover fish sticks

and sauerkraut.

While it does seem that old fish sticks

and sauerkraut would never go together,

if you just use your imagination,

they become the mountain top birthplace
of Davy Crockett,

a true American hero.

Hey, that's pretty cool. I'm going
to make mine a stadium.

I'll recombine mine into a giant
strand of DNA!

Hey, guys, now my lunch whomps!

[laughter]

Sorry, Gus. What a day to bring lunch
from home. You're missing all the fun.

That's OK, T.J.

I brought one of my dad's
m*llitary field rations:

Chipped beef on crackers, my favorite.

Needs salt.

Out of my way, flat-top!

Y-yes, sir.

I ain't chewing no sauerkraut.
Who's got something better?

Hi.

All right, girlie, give me your lunch box.

Hey, that's mine.

Aha! Just how I suspected, Cornchip Girl.

You're always good
for a bag of the salty stuff.

Ha ha ha!

What are you looking at?

[Cornchip Girl screams]
[gasps]

Ha ha ha!

You can't do that to a girl!

Ha ha ha! Huh?

[gasps]

[crying]

Well, what did I do?

Why, Gus, you--

[Miss Finster] Assaulted another student
on school grounds, that's what!

Griswald, Filmore, LaMaise,
to the principal's office,

on the double!

I'm sorry, Cornchip Girl.
I didn't mean to get you into trouble.

It's not your fault. It was very
brave of you to stand up for me.

I just wish I hadn't spilled my lunch.
It was chipped beef on crackers.

Chipped beef on crackers?

That's my favorite!

Gus, I received a phone call
from Principal Prickly.

He explained to me that you
skirmished with another boy.

You know that disorderly conduct
is strictly against Griswald policy.

Um, excuse me, sir.

It's true. Gus did knock Filmore down,

but he only did it because Filmore
knocked me down first.

[crying]

Is that really what happened, Private?

-Yes, sir.
-I see.

Now, Gus, v*olence should never be
one's first choice in solving conflicts.

That said, I'll concede that defending
the girl is a noble thing to do.

Especially if the girl is as cute as --

Griswald! You of all people!
Unhand my daughter!

Well, well, if it isn't Luke LaMaise.

That's Lieutenant LaMaise to you, Mister.

I should've known
your boy was behind this.

But, dad...

I'm sure my little sailor
could have handled herself just fine

without your son stepping up hostilities.

Hey, my son was just coming
to your daughter's rescue!

Soldier, this girl's trouble.
From here on out,

you are not to fraternize
with her at school. Understand?

Um... Well...
-You're saying my girl's trouble?

Theresa, that tears it. As long
as you're a student at this school,

you'll have nothing to do
with this Griswald boy.

But, daddy, I --

That's an order! Now, march!

You too, private. Hop to!

[door closes]

[crying]

[Gus] So it turns out that my dad
and Cornchip Girl's dad

both went to the same m*llitary
high school.

And they competed against
each other in everything.

When my dad went to the Army Academy

and Lieutenant LaMaise
went to the Naval Academy,

-they played football against each other.
-They had w*r against each other.

They even argued over invasion plans

during operation Steely Resolve
in the Azores islands.

So, two guys who can't stand each other,

and yet they are with kids
at the same school!

An unfortunate coincidence.

Maybe it is best that you stay away
from Cornchip Girl, Gus.

I'd hate to see someone get grounded.

I guess you're right, Teej.

OK, that's settled. No more
talking of Cornchip.

Now, how's about we all go ride our bikes
off dead man's turnpike?

-Oh, yeah!
-The dirt pile of doom!

[all] Yay!

Gus, you coming?

I think I'll pass, guys.

I need another shake to clear my head.

Got you, buddy. Join us when you're ready.

[door closes]

Huh? What's that, Mr. Kelso?

It's from the lady.

I just wanted to thank you, you know,
for standing up for me.

Cornchip Girl!

I-I can't be here, not with you!

I mean, my dad said --

Our dads said we couldn't
hang out together at school,

but we're not at school now, so that makes
it OK, right?

I guess that's true.

Thanks for the frappé.
Hey, what you got there?

-Land & Sea.
-Land & Sea?

That's my favorite game
of quick thinking strategy and courage!

You've got one too?
Hey, you want to play one-on-one?

Would I ever!

Cornchip Girl, let's go to w*r!

'kay.

Blue-.

Miss.

Green-.

Hit! My m*ssile launcher's ka-blammed!

You win. You sure know your way
around a flanking maneuver.

You should talk. One more
hit on my bomber squadron,

and you would have blown it up but good!

Oh, it was nothing.

Gee, we both like Land & Sea,
we both love chipped beef and crackers...

It seems like we were made to be friends.

Yeah, except for our dads.

You know, I got a feeling they'd be mad
if they found us together,

even if it was here at Kelso's.

Well, then how about if we just make sure
they don't find us?

You mean, like, be friends in secret?

We'll even pretend
we're not friends at school.

Then we can meet here and play.

You know what?
I think that's the best plan ever.

Rendezvous back here tomorrow
at hours?

Synchronizing now.

Hello, person.

Why, you're practically a stranger to me.

♪ La-la-la ♪

[whistling]

Quick, Gus, what time is it
in Sydney, Australia?

It's :... Tomorrow morning!

[together] Ha ha ha!

♪ La-la-la ♪

[whistling]

Hey, Gus, what's up?
We haven't seen you after school lately.

Are you secretly taking violin lessons?

You're practicing to b*at me
at something, aren't ya?

No, it's nothing like that.
In fact, it's nothing at all.

Uh, I've got to go and do something. Ah!

Excuse me. I didn't see...

Wha! You!

I mean, I did not see you,
because you were not there to me.

I am ignoring you. I do not
recognize your presence here.

Yeah, me too. In fact, I can't
ever hear what you just said.

Goodbye, um, nobody.

[whistling]

That was odd.

Yep. You don't see too much of that.

[door opens]

Hey there, Chippy.

How about that run-in at the cafeteria?

Boy, that was a close one.
We both ignored each other really good.

That's for sure.
They don't suspect a thing.

[door opens]
[gasps]

-It's your friends!
-Quick! Hide!

Zats! I knew this setup wouldn't last.

The ice cream is too good
and the service is too friendly.

What are we going to do?

We need a new secret place to meet.

I've got it! OK...

[Whispers]

Now, run. I'll meet you there later.

[door closes]

Gus, what are you doing down there?

Nothing unusual. Bye!

What the Samuel P. Froop was that?

One would surmise from Gus' strange
behavior around Cornchip Girl,

coupled with our actually having
witnessed him talking

to Cornchip Girl
and running out after her,

he and Cornchip Girl are hanging out.

If their dads catch them,
they'll get into more trouble than ever!

Hence the secrecy!

Oh, what a star-crossed
friendship, theirs!

I see it's time we get those two dads
together for a little talk.

We're not dealing with kids here, Teej.

There's no way we're going to get
two big, mad, suspicious m*llitary guys

to come to the same place
at the same time.

Suspicious m*llitary guys, eh?

Vince, buddy, that gives me an idea.

[Gretchen] Everything
seems operational, T.J.

But to be honest,
I haven't even switched on

my sinisterizer voice modulation device

since the state science expo.

Crank her up, Gretch. We've got to try.

Spinelli, get Lieutenant Griswald
on the blower.

[telephone rings]

Lieutenant Griswald here. This is who?

This is Boris Sputnik.
Now listen very carefully.

[deep voice] I spy for the enemy.

I have something of utmost national
importantness to discuss with you.

You want me to meet you?

Right away, in park
near Third Street School.

Do not be fooled by my shortness.

I really am spy.

I'll be there, Boris.

I'll be there, Sputnik.

Tender.

Griswald! Surrender your position!
I'm here on a matter of national security.

You surrender your position!
I was here first!

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!

How about we forget our differences
for a sec and have a guy-to-guy talk?

Great-great Neptune! Who are they
sending to spy on us?

I'm not a spy, sir. I'm Gus' pal,
T.J. Detweiler.

Your boy's friend, eh? No doubt your son
had a part in this little prank!

No doubt your daughter talked him into it!

[both shouting]

Guys, guys, please listen.

The reason I brought you here--

[Gus and Cornchip Girl giggling]

That's my daughter's chortle.

That's my son's guffaw.

Over there!

Teej, what's going on?

I don't know for sure, but I've got
a pretty good feeling it's trouble.

[Gus] Why is everyone afraid of me?

[Cornchip Girl] I don't know.
You look nice to me.

[together] Ha ha ha!

Theresa Laverne LaMaise!

Gustav Patton Griswald!

Uh, good afternoon, sir.

Ahoy, dad.

Guys, what are you doing here?

First-rate idea bringing us here, son.
Good snoop work, but we'll take over now.

Uh, oops.

Theresa, shove off from that boy.

Permission to speak, sir.

Eh, permission granted.

Sir, my answer to your request is no.

I'm staying with my friend Gus.

-What?!
-Well, LaMaise, looks like all that time

at sea has left you
with a soft little sailor

who can't follow orders, unlike my boy,
who knows his place.

Son, roll out from the girl,
front and center.

No, sir!

I'm afraid that's an order I cannot,
in good conscience, execute.

You -- you're disobeying me?

Yes, dad, sir.

You always taught me
to fight for what was right,

and being friends is a lot
more right than being enemies.

Whatever you dads have
going on between you,

is your guys' problem,

and it's not right to make it
us guys' problem, too.

[dads] But-- but--

Sirs, I respectfully request

that you work stuff out
or sign a treaty or something,

'cause with Cornchip Girl and me
being friends,

you'll be seeing a whole lot
more of each other.

Well, I suppose your daughter did show
a good deal of courage

by standing up for her new, uh, friend.

And your youngster's got a lot of spunk.
We should draw up plans

for a cross-forces play date.
-Affirmative.

Wow, Gus, that was quite a speech.

Yeah, it looks like they're going to

let you hang out with Cornchip Girl
whenever you want.

Well, maybe not exactly.

I insist we have the first play date
at my territory.

Negative. I insist
that the initial play date

occur on my coordinates.

[Gus] At least it's a start!

-Listen to me!
-No, you listen to me!

You gonna back that up, huh?
You and what army?

You and what navy?