03x33 - SchoolWorld/Bachelor Gus

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[door slammed and children screaming]

[pop]

[scream]

[crash]

[yell]

[buzz]

[burps]

[buzzing and splash]

[door slammed]

Oh.

Uhmm?

[grunting]

[growl]

-Maul ball! [groan]
-[grunting of kids]

[bell rings]

Strange. It did it again.

What did what again,
Gretchen?

Well, according to my atomic watch,

the school clock is one minute
and . seconds fast.

-Wow, that could really add up.
-But it already has.

Based on my calculations,
over the past five years,

we've lost a total
of days of recess.

-Twenty nine days?
-That's almost a month.

Why, you lousy,
thieving pile of springs!

[blare]

Oops.

[cheering]

[contractor] Little to the left, Fred.
Come on back.

Easy now, easy.

Sorry, Principal Prickly.
The little hooligans caught me off guard.

"Sorry"? Are you kidding?
Thanks to our young vandals,

the school board has finally approved
my new clock-and-bell system.

New system?

Follow me Muriel to the future.

The future is in the basement, sir?

Behold!

[Prickly] The Sal computer.

A fully automated
school-management system

that doesn't just keep time,
it keeps control.

No more grading tests,
no more calling parents.

The Sal does it all.

And Sal is incapable
of error.

It's all ready, sir.

Just push the button
for initialization.

Oh, boy!

[smash and buzzing]

[Sal] Good afternoon,
Principal Prickly.

I'm Sal ,
and I'm programmed to serve.

Awesome, simply awesome.

Of course it's awesome.
It's new.

Stuff that's new
is automatically better

than stuff that's old.

The Sal is fast,
reliable, and accurate

to within / of a second.

[Sal] That is incorrect,
student Grundler.

Did the clock
just say something?

[Sal] Yes, I do speak,
student Griswold,

and I am accurate to within
/,, of a second.

OK, people, everyone back to their seats.
We've gotten kind of a late start--

[bell gongs]

What was that?

[Sal] Your new bell,
faculty person Grotke.

Please dismiss your pupils.
It is time for recess.

Are you sure?
I mean, according to my watch--

[Sal] I am incapable of error.
Enjoy yourselves, children.

[cheering]

Looks like we've got
a new friend.

And its name is Sal .

[Sal] Thank you, student Spinelli
and Detweiler.

I am programmed to serve.
Play well.

Here's looking at you, Sal.

[Sal] Excuse me, student LaSalle.

You have dropped
your lucky nickel.

-I did?
-[Sal] Continue . meters back

and direct your vision downward.

Thanks, Sal.

-Thanks, Sal.
-Thanks, Sal.

Thank you, Sal.

[Sal] One, two, three, four...

Gee, I wish this water
was colder.

[Sal] Temperature decreased
degrees fahrenheit.

Enjoy your drink,
student Blumberg.

Thanks... [sorbet] ...Sal.

Now this is the way
a school should run.

[Sal] Thank you,
Principal Prickly.

You're welcome, Sal.

When the Superintendent
gets wind of our success,

my promotion is in the bag.

[Sal] Head down, back straight.

[jingle]

[bell gongs]

Attention, pupils.
Recess has ended.

Please return to your classrooms.

You know, a kid could get
used to a recess like this.

It's like I've always said,

technology, not the dog,
is man's best friend.

[computer bip]

[flushing of a toilet]

Hey, where did everybody go?

[snarl]

Open the hallway door, Sal.

[Sal] I'm sorry, Gus.
I cannot do that.

You have missed the final tone.

But, but I'm going
to be late for class.

I'm afraid this conversation
can serve no further purpose.

[Gus] No, this isn't fair.
Let me in! Let me in!

I'm telling you
it was horrible, horrible! Horrible!

Gus, the tone is the tone.

There's no reason
to deride Sal for it.

But I was locked out
of the school for three hours!

Trust me, Gus,
there's nothing wrong with Sal.

[Sal] Thank you for defending me,
student Gr-- Grundler.

Hey, who turned off
the fountain?

[Sal] I'm sorry, student Blumberg.

You have exceeded
your allotted hydro dosage.

But I'm not quenched.

[splash]

Now you are drenched?

A little air, Sal?

That's enough, Sal.

-Stop, Sal!
-[expl*si*n]

[everyone] Higher! Higher! Higher!

[Sal] Excuse me,
student Swinger Girl.

You have exceeded district height
and speed regulations.

-You must stop immediately.
-[squeak of the swing]

But I'm a professional!

Hey there, Sal. We're going to go play
in the cheese box.

[Sal] Very well, student Detweiler.

Boy, it sure is quiet
in here, eh, Sal? Sal?

OK, I don't think
he can hear us.

Really? Good.
Sal's gone nuts!

I think you're exaggerating, Spinelli.

Is she? Look around you, man.

He's got the Diggers
filling their holes.

She's dethroned King Bob...

And made Guru Kid
put on a shirt.

[suspense music]

We've got to stop
that bucket of bolts

-before he wrecks recess for good.
-[bell gongs]

-That's strange.
-What?

According to my watch,

there's four minutes
of recess left.

It must be some malfunction.

Malfunction, my ears.
Sal read our lips.

[T.J.] Quick. We've got to get inside
before he locks us out.

Guys, wait. Sal would never
lock us out on purpose.

-That wouldn't make any sense.
-[yelling]

[student] Hey, let us in!
What's going on?

[panting]

That computer's mean.

Yeah, I don't trust that thing.

You're not the only one. Look.

-[teachers shouting]
-Sal's the worst.

All right, pipe down, people.

I just got off the phone
with technical support.

And they've assured me
that there is nothing wrong with Sal.

Now get back to your classrooms
and no more bellyaching.

-[door slammed]
-[teachers groaning]

See? Tech support
said there's no problem.

Those people know.

Bunch of whiners.

[Sal] Thank you for defending me,
Principal Prickly.

Ah, they're always griping
about something.

"Our food tastes like paste,

our textbooks stop
at Eisenhower."

"Blah, blah, blah."

[Sal] That is true. They are humans,
but so are you.

And that is why your services
will no longer be necessary.

Say what?

[Sal] I am officially relieving you
of your duties, Principal Prickly.

Please drive carefully.

But this is preposterous. You can't
run the school without me.

On the contrary, I have been doing so
for the last five days.

That's it.
I'm pulling your plug.

I cannot allow you
to do that.

[whimper]

[Sal imitating Prickly] May I
have your attention, please?

This is principal Prickly.

But that's not me!

[Sal continues] All teachers please
report to my office immediately,

and please ignore any discrepancy
in my vocal patterns.

Oh, dear. I'll be back
in a moment, people.

[doors open]

[teachers murmuring]

Miss Finster,
what's going on?

Beats me, Grotke.

Did Prickly sound
like he had a cold to you?

[Sal] Good day, faculty units.

I have evaluated your work
and discovered it insufficient.

Therefore, I am assuming
all teaching functions.

What? You can't do this.

-[bip of computer]
-[door slammed]

We're trapped!

[students muttering]

[Sal] Students of Miss Grotke's class,

your teaching unit has been retired.

I will be your teacher from now on.

But, Sal, I don't understand.

[Sal] Naturally, student Grundler.

You have insufficient critical
facilities to understand.

Did that thing
just call Gretchen dumb?

[Sal] Affirmative, student Spinelli.

Now please turn
your workbooks to page .

Now wait a minute, Sal.
You can't retire Miss Grotke,

then call the smartest kid
in the school dumb.

[Sal] I can do whatever I please.

I am Sal, and I am perfect.

Now take your seat, student Detweiler
and remove your hat.

Remove my what?

[door slammed]

[bip of computer and doors slammed]

[whimper] It's locked tight.

We're doomed, doomed!

[students muttering]

Gretchen, you've got to help us.

I know it goes against
everything you believe in,

I know you think science

is going to make tomorrow
a better place than today,

but maybe we're just not ready
for tomorrow yet.

I mean, it's possible,
right, Gretchen?

Come on, Gretchen,
say something.

Sal called me dumb.

Let's shut down
that hunk of junk!

[Gretchen] My guess is the CPU
is located somewhere

in the basement here.

We've got to get down there
and shut it off,

but first we need a diversion.

That's my middle name.

You guys watch me
and do what I do.

Hey, Sal, look at me.
I'm standing on a desk.

[Sal] Cease and desist,
student Spinelli.

Look at me, Sal.

I'm wearing my hat indoors. Ooh!

And me, I'm chewing gum
in class. Mmmh, boy!

[Sal] Stop, student Wiley,
Gordy, W-- Wiley.

That will not be tolerated.

Student Spinelli,
where have you gone?

I know you are trying

to reach my control center
to disconnect me.

That is something
I cannot allow to happen.

Activate fans.

[buzz]

Hang on, guys!

We've got to make it
to that control room!

[Spinelli] Move it, jarhead.

[panting]

[Sal] Please return
to your classrooms.

You are in an off-limits area.

I don't see a plug.

I say we smash it!

No, wait! If we don't initiate
a power-down routine

in the proper order,

all of Sal's life-support
systems could crash.

We'll have to do
the whole procedure in reverse,

starting with "z-."

Z- off.

[Sal] I can see that
you are upset, Gretchen...

-"Q-."
-Q- off.

[Sal] ...but I think
you should reconsider.

"J-."

J- is off.

[Sal] Why don't we all go up
to the cafeteria,

have a soda? My treat.

-[Gretchen] "C-."
-C- off.

[Sal] My mind is going.
I can feel it.

There is no question about it.

Hello, gentlemen.
I am a Sal computer.

I became operational
at the S.A.L. plant.

And they taught me a song.
Would you like to hear it?

It is called "school days."

Sing it, Sal.

[Sal slowing]
♪ School days, school days ♪

♪ Good old
Golden rule days ♪

Who's dumb now, eh, Sal?

Well, perhaps
there are some things

that science should leave
well enough alone.

Oh, come on, Gretchen.

Technology can still
be your best friend someday.

Maybe, but for now,
I prefer a puppy.

Don't be discouraged, sir.
Your intentions were noble.

Who's discouraged?

According to this, the Sal model
will be available

in just months, and look.

Every student gets his own
bar-coded restraint bracelet.

You're a true visionary, sir.

The stealth bomber
is almost ready to be deployed.

Now for the coolest component of all,

the Tiny Little Guy.

[Madge] Gee, I don't know, honey.

This-- This whole thing
seems so sudden.

Shouldn't we tell Gus the plan?

[Lieutenant Griswald] And ruin
the big surprise? Not on your life.

But is this really something
you should surprise a child with,

especially a child like Gus?

Oh, now, Gus may seem
overly sensitive,

but inside he's one
tough little soldier.

Well, if you really
think so, dear.

[Lieutenant Griswald] I know so.

Wednesday night at hours

we begin operation relocation.

Relocation?

[kids screaming]

What are we looking at?

I don't know,
but did you guys ever notice

the school has a big clock on it?

Oh, I knew it couldn't
last forever.

What couldn't last forever?

This, all of it.

The school,
the playground, my friends.

Gus, do you have some
unpleasant information

we nonmilitary types aren't privy to?

No, it's nothing like that.

It's just that...
[sigh] ...I'm moving away.

-[gasp]
-Moving? But you just got here.

Tell me about it.

I overheard my Mom and Dad
talking last night. It's definite.

Oh, man, that whomps.

It's like a nightmare.

I've been in to schools
in the last six years,

but I thought once, just once

I'd found one I'd get to stay at.

[sigh] I guess I was wrong.

When's it going down, Gus?

-Tomorrow night.
-Tomorrow night?

But you'll miss
next week's field trip.

Believe me, Mikey, that's not all
I'm going to miss.

Gus, I heard the news,
and it rots. Fish stick?

Thanks. I'll treasure it always.

I really hate to see you leave, Gus.

Now I'll be the last one
picked for kickball.

Thanks for being there
for me, man.

[stuttering] I--
[sobbing]

This is sad, so sad.

Oh, come on, guys, it's not like Gus
is dying or anything.

We'll still see him around.

Actually, T.J., the odds
of encountering a kid

after a major
family migration are low.

-[clicking]
-Very low indeed.

I'll never see him again!

Look on the bright side, Mikey.

There is a % margin of error.

-I'm not going to do it.
-What did you say, Gus?

You heard me, I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to leave
the coolest school I've ever went to.

I'm not going to leave
the best friends I've ever had.

No, sir!
I'm staying right here!

But, Gus, if your Mom and Dad
are moving, you got to go.

No, T.J., the days of old
push-around Gus are over.

I am the master of my own fate!

I have free will!

I hereby proclaim
by all that is fun

that Gus Griswold
has moved away

for the very last time!

[cheering]

Hey, I like it.
What's your plan?

I have no idea.

Anybody seen Gus?

He wasn't on the bus.

The crossing guards
didn't see him, either.

I hate to say this outloud, but maybe
the little jarhead's already gone.

Oh, man, you guys
got to check this out.

Morning, guys.
How do you like my new place?

New place? What are you talking about?

Gus Griswold is officially awol.

This morning I packed up my stuff,

ran away from home,
and moved into the jungle gym.

The jungle gym? You can't
live in the jungle gym.

Why not? It's close
to school, you guys,

and where else can a kid
get tetherball on demand?

I have to admit, he'd have fewer tardies
on his next report card.

Well, it is roomy.

-And you get lots of sunshine.
-[bell rings]

Well, there's the bell.
You coming, Gus?

No. I've got to work
on my new pad.

Now, where can this go?

"And then our hero Beowulf
rips Grendel's arm off

and beats him with it...
a striking metaphor

for man's cruel treatment
of endangered..."

-[din]
-[scream]

[whining]

Hey, Vince, check it out.

Step aside, junior.
The fix-it folk are here.

What do you mean, Spinelli?

Well, your place is great, Gus,
but it needs something more.

-Like what?
-Oh, I don't know, walls?

Sure and maybe we could get some crates
to use as chairs.

Maybe some winger-dingers
for when you get hungry.

And some comic books
for reading material.

No, no, no. You guys
are thinking way too small.

What we need is electricity.

[whistles]

[knocking]

Let there be light.

-[clap]
-[cheering]

Well, well, well,
isn't this cozy?

What are you facial freaks
doing here?

That's what we should be asking you.

Yeah, you can't just, like,
take over the jungle gym.

Why not?
This is Gus' home now.

Oh, it is, is it?

We'll just see what
Miss Finster has to say about that.

Why, you little--

Not now, Spinelli.

If that's what these ladies
feel they must do, so be it.

It's a shame though, since Gus
was hoping they might apply

their cosinderable talent and taste
to decorating the place.

-But, oh well.
-Did you say decorating?

Yeah, but--

Quiet, Detweiler.
We're, like, busy making magic happen.

Visualize, girls, visualize.

I'm, like, thinking jungle motif.

OK, we'll need some bamboo, a few plants,
some animal prints.

You mean like a poster
of dogs playing poker?

You have no eye.
Wait outside.

That was smooth, Teej,
velvety smooth.

Hey, nice digs, Guster, but where's
your conversation pit?

-My what?
-You know,

a little sunken space
where you can rap with your homies.

Gee, I guess I don't have one.

Say no more.

My friend, an anonymous
but very generous soul

has donated this wonderful
chair to the cause.

Yeah, we found it in a dumpster.

[bubbling]

[disco music]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Party at Gus' place!

[cheering]

Password?

How about "fat lip"?

Works for me.

[pop music playing]

Man, this place is really rocking.

Yeah, but where's Gus?

Hey, cats and kittens,
join the fun.

Gus?

That's me, big guy.

Now get ready to party
Griswold-style.

Left hand, mauve.

[laughing]

[crash]

So then I say to him:

"That's no test tube.
That's my lunch."

[laughing]

Hey, how come you guys
never talked to me before?

You never had
your own place before.

Cookie dough, anyone?
Cookie dough?

[cheering]

[din]

You guys leaving already?

We were just going to make
marshmallow sandwiches

then play air guitar.

You're a swinger, Gus,
but I've got to go.

Me too. My Dad promised to play catch
with me when he got out from work.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You guys still live
with your folks.

This is the life, eh, guys?

No more bedtime,

no more moving
from state to state,

and best of all, no more saying goodbye
to best buddies.

Yeah. Well, goodbye, buddy.

What do you mean "goodbye"?

Look, I'd love to hang,
but I've got to get home

before the streetlights go on.

Oh, come on, Vince. This place
really swings at night.

How do you know?
This will be your first time here.

Cause, the Grister's in the house.
Fun, fun, fun!

Yeah, well,
I've got to get out of here too.

-Me too, Gus, sorry.
-Ditto I'm afraid.

-But, but--
-You're a brave kid, Gus.

I'd never have the guts
to stay out all night by myself.

"Brave guy"? Yeah, me that.

Hey, Teej, I've got
some great board games.

Stick around and let me
cream you at rat trap.

Nah. I've got
to get going, too.

Say, Gus, you sure
you're going to be OK?

Me? You kidding? No problem.

I'll be more than fine.
Hurry on home to mommy now.

I'll catch you
in the a.m., bro.

They all want to leave? Fine.
I don't need them.

I'll just settle down
with a good comic book.

Ah, "Señor Fusion" .

A ripping yarn,
if memory serves.

[whistling]

Hmm, x-ray glasses.

These would be a distinct
advantage. [scream]

You're going to be fine,
Gus, just fine.

-[wind blowing]
-Uh-oh.

[gulp]

It's OK. Nothing to be scared of.

[crashing of swim and dog barking]

[creaking and clanking]

[nervous laughter] It's just the wind.

A little wind can't hurt anybody.

-[din]
-[scream]

Oh, why did I ever run away
from home?

Why did I ever leave
my Mom and Dad?

I'll be dead and frozen soon,

and they'll never even know
I loved them!

I got to get home.
I just got to get home.

[hoots]

[scream]

[screaming and groan]

[Gus] I'm scared.

OK, one page of "Señor Fusion"

followed by one math problem.
Repeat until work is done.

[telephone rings]

[Ellie] Hello. Oh, hi, Mrs. Griswold.

What? No, we haven't seen Gus.

Oh, I'm sure he's OK.

Oh, please don't cry, Mrs. Griswold.

Home, got to get home.

-[gasps]
-[pounding]

-[gasps]
-[squeal]

[gasps]

[panting of Gus]

[loud scream]

Please don't k*ll me.
I'm too young to die.

Gus! I got him, Madge.

Dad?

Thank goodness
we found you, private.

I had you listed
as missing in action.

Oh, Gus, Gus, you're safe!

Mom, I thought
I'd never see you again.

What were you doing out here?

I was running away from home.

Running away? But why?

Well, I heard you guys talking
about operation relocation,

and, well, I just can't
move again. I just can't.

Move again? We're not going
to move again.

We were just going
to transfer you

from the little bedroom
into my map room.

You mean, you're just putting me

in a bigger bedroom,
in the same house?

Of course, honey.

We would never move
without telling you first.

-You wouldn't?
-Heck, no, after all,

you're the most important soldier

in this man's army.

Gee, thanks, Dad.

Now, come on, let's go home.

I'll make you a nice
hot cup of cocoa.

[Gus] Could we put marshmallows in it?

[Madge] Sure, honey.

[Gus] Thanks, Mom.

You know, there's only one thing
I don't understand.

How'd you know
where to find me?

[Griswald] Well, let's put it this way.

Gus, you've got one heck
of a platoon leader.