03x38 - Fort Tender/Germ Warfare

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Recess". Aired: September 13, 1997 - January 16, 2006.*
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Six brave fourth-graders at Third Street School make it their mission to protect the other kids on the playground.
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03x38 - Fort Tender/Germ Warfare

Post by bunniefuu »

[bell rings]

[cheering]

[yell]

[whimper]

[scream]

[gulp]

[burp]

[Mikey] Oh, what ironic fate
has befallen us?

Stranded upon a playground

with nothing at all to play.

Well, how about kickball?

[T.J., Gus, Mikey and Gretchen] Nah.

We've played kickball every day this week.

Maybe foursquare?

Lest you forget, Gus, we took up kickball
to cleanse our palates

of the stale taste of foursquare.

We're just in a rut, that's all.

We need to find
a little something different to do.

My friends, you want something different?

I say we send away for one of these.

[Vince] "The Johnny Manta-ray
genuine authentic two-man sub!"

-[group] Whoa!
-"$. plus shipping and handling?"

I know, Gus. It's a little pricey,

but hear, we're talking passport
to undersea adventure.

It is the fantasy of every child
to own a submarine.

Let's do it, man!
We can go looking for sunken treasure!

I want to see some them giant crabs
that glow in the dark!

Let's torpedo something!

Um, I hate to burst your bubble,

but in our enthusiasm
we seem to have overlooked the fine print.

[T.J.] "Not intended for use
in actual water."

[groans]

So much for childhood fantasies.

Wait a minute, guys. There is one other
childhood fantasy we haven't tried.

Of course!
We shall compose an epic love poem!

Even cooler, Mikey.

Guys, I say we build ourselves a fort!

-[cheering]
-[Vince] A fort!

I'm surprised
we didn't think of it sooner.

Fun of epic proportions.

My friends, cast your peepers
upon yonder work

and swell up with proudness!

I give you... Fort Tender!

Man, I've got to say,
fort living is where it's at.

I think building this old girl

was maybe the best idea we ever had.

Who ever thought being inside
during recess could be so cool?

It's changed my life.

I mean, even when I do
the same old stuff I used to,

if I do it in here,
it's like doing new stuff all over again.

I heartily agree with you, Vince...
I think.

What ho, my fine fort fellows?

From up here,
the view is inspirational indeed.

[Gus] Not only that,
but building on high ground

makes it impossible
for enemies to sneak up on us.

Fort Tender is just what we need...

A place of our own for the ages.

[bell rings]

[cheering]

[T.J.] Fort Tender, here we come!

Last one there is Menlo's granny!

[laughing]

[Gus panting]

Oh, man!

I'm always Menlo's granny.

Don't worry, Gus.

It'll feel completely different

being a granny in Fort Tender...

If I can ever get the gate open.

[grunt]

[mocking laugh]

-Why, it looks like we got visitors!
-Lawson.

Hey, Lawson, you got no business
being in there!

Fort Tender is ours,

so get out and let us in!

What's that? "Fort Tender"?

Sorry, but I don't know
what you're talking about,

'cause this here is Fort Fort!

Aw, man! First Lawson busts
into our cool new fort

and then goes and gives it
the lamest name in history!

Enough fooling around, Lawson!

Open the door and give us back our fort!

Oh, I'll give you something, Detweiler...

Or should I say... Wetweiler!

What's the matter, Wetweiler?

Can't you take a soak?

[mocking laughter]

Who you got hiding in there, Lawson?

Yeah! Come out, you cowards!

Okay. Fellas, come on up

and give our visitors
a proper Fort Fort welcome.

-[gasps]
-Fire!

[T.J.] Take cover!

[mocking laughter]

[panting]

att*cked by our own fort.

That's just plain wrong!

-We got to get them out of there.
-But how?

Hey, I know. My uncle Manny
drives a bulldozer.

But that would wreck our own fort.

I suggest we write a scathing editorial
and stir up

a decidedly anti-Lawson sentiment
throughout the community.

Writing something would take days.

I say we talk to King Bob now.

[Gretchen] And so,
as we sat studying in class,

Lawson and his band of fifth-grade thugs

willfully sneaked into
Fort Tender and usurped it.

The facts in this case are clear,
Your Bobness.

Reason must prevail.

You make a compelling argument,
Smart Girl.

I especially like the use
of these plastic spacemen.

However, the law of the playground
is against you.

-[all] What?
-[Mikey] It can't be!

Surely you can't be serious.

[imitates zapping and booming sounds]
Oh, but I am quite serious.

I believe the technical term
is "finders keepers."

Finders keepers?

But that's not fair!

Perhaps not, but it is my ruling.

Servants! To the playground!

I wish to take in a game
of duck, duck, goose.

[imitates zapping and booming sounds]

I must confess, this weakens my faith

in our playground's judicial system.

And it strengthens my resolve.

Guys, I say we're taking back Fort Tender,

and we're taking it by force!

[yelling]

[Gretchen] As long as we stay up
against this wall,

they can't hit us with balloons.

Then we've made it.

[cheering]

What now, Teej?

Now you get wet from behind!

-[mocking laugh]
-[screams]

Aw, man!

[mocking laugh]

[Gretchen] Those mediterranean shutters

seemed like such a harmless idea

-during construction.
-[panting]

Oh, man.
That place is impossible to att*ck.

This madness must be stopped.

Surely they cannot be so evil

that reason will not sway them.

No! Mikey!

[Mikey] Oh, Lawson,

we share the sun, we share the rain.

Why, we share delight in the antics

of the frisky little squirrel.

Throw open your doors,

and let us share the fort.

In the name of humanity, I beseech you.

What will be your answer?

[splashing]

Looks like we need another plan...

Something sneaky.

This is the life.

I can do nothing at all
and feel like I'm doing something.

[Menlo] Attention, Lawson and his buddies.
Attention, please.

Huh?

[Menlo] Please report to the office
at once.

At once? We better get going.

Hang on, guys. Not so fast.

Your mothers are here to see you.
All of them

Please don't keep your mothers waiting.

[Menlo] Your mothers
have brought you brownies

and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Why, as I speak,
they're feeding some to me.

It is very good, Lawson and friends.

Wouldn't you like some?

Grilled cheese?

[Menlo] Your mommies miss you.

Come to the office and give them a hug.

It will make them so very happy.

Now here's a song for all of you to enjoy.

-Remember this one?
-[record needle scratch]

[music playing]

I got to go.
[sniffle]

Me, too. Mom's waiting for me.

[crying]
Grilled cheese!

[Lawson] No! Wait!
It's a trick, I tell you!

Jocko, your mom's hauling gravel
cross-country today,

And, Buster, your mom's
on-call at the shoe store.

They couldn't possibly be in the office.

[Gus] Hey, T.J., the song ended.

You want me to flip it over?

[Gus] T.J.? Spinelli?

How come you guys
look so mad all of a sudden?

[Gus] This great plan to fake out Lawson
is going perfect.

Sorry for ruining our great plan.

That's okay, Gus. It was an accident.

Man, this whomps.

We tried King Bob.
We tried attacking the fort.

We even tried psychological warfare.

Nothing's working.

Perhaps we should just give up.

Give up...

Ain't no way I'm giving up!

But now I think giving up
is exactly what we should do.

-[all] Huh?
-There's nothing Lawson likes

better than winning, right?

Especially since it never happens.

And I propose we make him think
he's done just that.

We'll take a page from history.

You see, according to Homeric legend,
the Greeks used trickery

to end their -year siege
of the ancient city of Troy.

They pretended to give up

and, as a gift,
left behind the infamous Trojan horse.

I see. And this horse,
it kicked down the walls?

Not exactly.

Was it carnivorous?

No, Gus. It was made of wood.

You'll understand as we go along.

Suffice it to say, we need a gift.
A trophy as it were.

It has to be something
that even Lawson can't resist,

and I think I know just the thing.

Alarm! Alarm!

[Chewy] Aoogah! Aoogah!

Hey, you stop right there!

What do you think you're doing?

Lawson, we've come to surrender.

We're simply no match
for your superior strength

and fifth-grade intellect.

Fort Fort is yours to keep.

[cheering]

Hang on just one minute!

Now, where are Detweiler,
Spinelli, and LaSalle?

They're behind the handball wall crying.

Now, that's more like it!

Indeed, Lawson,

we were wrong to challenge
your claim to Fort Fort.

To make amends,

please accept our humble offering,

a gift for you and your friends to enjoy.

[all] Whoa!

A mini-sub!

It's the fantasy of every kid
to own a submarine!

Hey, didn't somebody once say
"beware of geeks bearing gifts"?

You're out of your brain!

That submarine is our passport
for being underwater.

Now open the door and bring it in!

-[cheering]
-[Lawson] Way to go, men!

Fort Fort is ours for the ages,

and so is the submarine!

I christen you S.S. Sub!

[cheering]

And I christen you, the good ship loser!

[yelling]

[Lawson] Run for your lives!

Huh?

[screaming]

[cheering]

-[Gretchen] We did it!
-[Gus] All right!

[cheering]

Did you see the look on Lawson's face?

I didn't know Koreo
could move that fast.

Taking back this fort was the most fun

in the history of playground fun.

That it was, Gus. That it was.

What do we do now?

I guess it's back to sitting around.
Just us and Fort Tender.

[sighs]

That would be the easiest thing to do,

but would it be the funnest?

Making the fort and getting it back

really were funner than just having it.

I guess you could say it was a challenge.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Let's do it!

Hey, Lawson!

Aw, great.

What do you want, Detwinner?

There is a nice fort.
Bet you can't take it back.

We'll just see about that.

[yelling]

-[laughter]
-[splashing]

[T.J.] Hey, I see them.

Whoa! One of the blobs just split in two!

Now he has double att*ck power!

Pardon, T.J. Might I see the blobs?

Hang on, Mikester.
I just got to see one thing.

Ah, the life cycle
of the common bacterium.

I remember my first view
of a single-cell microorganism.

This is so cool! Bacteriums rock!

Gos, T.J., I really would like
to see the little blobs.

Yeah, yeah, hold your horses, big guy.
I'll be done in a... second?

Thank you, T.J.

Wow. They're beautiful.

[Mikey] Like tiny balloons
caressed by the breeze.

Care to peer into their world, Gretchen?

Through an underpowered school scope?

No, thank you, Mikey.

I'm already extremely familiar with germs.

Did you say germs?

I thought Teej called them bacteriums.

It was right, Gus.
Germs and bacteria,

the correct pluralization of bacterium,

Are the same thing.

They are?
[yelp]

Relax, Gus. Those things are harmless.

Harmless?

Don't you watch TV, man?

Germs aren't harmless!

They're little scary creatures
that cause decay and disease!

Ah, you must've seen
that program's -hour special

about microorganisms
on the science channel.

No, but I've seen mouthwash commercials!

Well, I don't think these things
are going to hurt anyone.

They're between two microscope slides.

Yeah, sure. I guess you're right.

We're probably safe as long
as they're trapped there.

Trapped?

Don't worry, little ones.
I'll get you out of there.

Are you nuts?

Don't let those things loose in here!

But germs are living creatures, Gus.

They should be as free to dance
and frisk about as you and I!

Don't you dare
let those things out around me!

Now, Gus, there's really no reason
to worry

about the few germs on that slide.

The truth of the matter is
there are billions of germs everywhere.

Ev... Ev... Ev...

Psst, Gretch. Not helping.

In fact, there are billions of germs
living on your very skin right now.

My skin?

[scream]

-[bell rings]
-[muttering]

I wonder where Gus went to.

Probably home.
Those germs really freaked him out.

My little friends wouldn't hurt anyone.

That's why I'll give them gentle names.

You're Hattie, you're Cecil,
and you're Joshua.

And you're dented.

Wait a sec. I've got a hunch.
Excuse me, ladies.

Must... Get... Clean.

Must... Get... Clean.

I think Gustav's going to need
a little more time

with this whole
"germs all over his skin" thing.

-Who's ready for some b-ball?
-I am!

-Let's do it!
-I'm ready!

No, thank you, T.J.

I promised my three tiny friends

that I'd show them around the playground.

Maybe I'll take my slide on the slide.

I get the feeling that Gus isn't
the only kid around here with germ issues.

Where is Gus, anyway?

[muffled voice]
[Gus] Hi, guys.

Gus? Is that you?

What's with the funky raincoat, man?

It's a biological hazard suit.

In here, I'm completely protected

from any and all foreign germs.

Gus, don't you think
you're overreacting a bit?

I mean, you can't even see germs.

But that's my point! They can be anywhere!

Do you know where that ball has been,

[Gus] what kid has sneezed on it,

or worse?

Ha. Here, Vince. Catch.

Guys, guys, allow me to clear up
a few misconceptions.

There's no reason to...

[sneeze]

Ah. Sorry. As I was saying...

[sneezing]

Excuse me.

I think I need to see the nurse.

Suddenly, I'm not feeling so well.

See? Those hideous germs got Gretchen!

Come on, Gus, why don't you forget
all this germ junk,

take off that futuristic getup,

and come play some b-ball?

No can do, Teej.

I won't rest until my fellow students

are safe from this vicious,
unchecked menace.

If you'll excuse me,
I must spread the word.

So, like, I'm all, "as if,"

and she's all, "totally."

[Gus] Good morning, girls.

I'd like to speak to you about germs.

Ew! You are a germ! Ashleys, scatter!

[screaming]

What's all this, Gus?

Having trouble getting your message
of impending doom out to the people?

Wholesale. No one wants to face
this problem head-on.

What you need is
a good propaganda machine...

Or in this case, a photocopy machine.

Where am I going to get one of those?

I believe I have access to one,

but I'll need one of those
nifty suits in return...

slim, if they've got it.

Here you go, Menlo. slim.

Ah, clean and pressed, unlike germs.

Here. This should prove
a more efficient way

of getting our message out
to these less-inclined to accept it.

Ugh! Gross!

What... What is that?

[Menlo] It was a kid's toe

until germs had their way with it.

Golly, if kids on the playground
saw that picture,

they'd really understand
what I'm talking about.

Indeed. Follow me.

[Menlo] Push the button, Gus,

and bring your dreams...

To life!

Ew! Gross.

[Gus] Wake up, rd Street!

There is an invisible menace among us!

I speak to you today of germs.

They have already claimed
Gretchen Grundler,

And I ask you,

if our best and brightest are not safe,

who among us is?

Surgical gloves,
pairs of gloves and masks!

Five comics a pair!

Get them while they're uncontaminated.

We must take action before it's too late!

We must eliminate germs
from our classroom,

our pavement, and from our play apparatus.

[children] Stop the germs! Stop the germs!

You know, I hate to admit it,

but Gus is starting
to make a little sense.

Yeah. You see that picture
he got off the internet? That was nasty.

I say let's kick some germ butt!

Excuse me, Spinelli,
but it's time someone spoke up

for those who cannot speak.

When these germs have been eliminated,

we will lead the childhood of our dreams!

Do you hear me?

We will live our dreams!

[children] Live our dreams!
Live our dreams!

Fellow rd-streeters,

I'd like to say a few words to you

on behalf of our willowy friends
the germs.

Did he say the germs were our friends?

-Get off the stage, germ-friender!
-[shouting]

Oh, but you'd like germs, too,
if you got to know them.

I mean, what have they ever done to you?

Try asking Gretchen Grundler!

Oh, wait. You can't! She's home sick!

She's home sick!

-[chanting]
-Wait, you're making a terrible mistake!

[yelling]

Friends, forget everything that boy said!

Let's all remember the real enemies

are the evil, vile germs!

[kids] Down with germs! Down with germs!

Down with germs! Down with germs!

What a sight.

[sniffles]
It does an old heart good.

[muttering]

Phew. Hey, how do we know
when we've gotten rid of all the germs?

That's easy, Vince.
We'll know when we, um...

You know, um... I have no idea.

Good news, Gus.

The petition I filed with the city
was approved.

Disinfectant trucks should
arrive within the hour.

Operation Sterile Thunder is go!

Excellent.

First, we disinfect
the rd Street playground,

and then we'll disinfect the world!

[insane laughter]

[truck horn honking]

Attention, please.

All children must evacuate
the area immediately.

Disinfectant spraying will only begin
when the area is clear.

[children] Germs, germs, go away!

We don't want you! Spray, spray, spray!

Excuse me, mister.
You've got a cool truck and all,

but how long before
we can go back out and play?

State says you gotta wait three days.

This spray is tough on fabric

and unprotected skin.

-No way!
-That's not fair!

Pipe down! You saw those flyers.

If it's got to be done,
it's got to be done.

Time to make my play.

[horn honks]

Blow, horn, blow!
I listen only to my heart!

Yo! What's the holdup, buddy?

Why aren't your people spraying?

Easy there, junior. It's a crazy rule,

but we can't start spraying

till every last kid is off the playground.

Him again? Ugh!

Mikey, you're holding up de-germification!

Get out of the way!

In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi,

make me!

Mikey...
[grunts]

[grunts]
You can't sit there forever!

We'll never abandon our germ friends.

Isn't that right, H, C, J,

and whoever else
you may have divided into?

Mikey, do you have any idea

how dumb you look talking to that slide?

And I suppose wearing
that goofy plastic suit

makes you look brilliant?

-Give me those germs, Mikey! Mikey!
-[grunts]

No!

Look what you've done!

Hattie! Cecil! Dear, sweet Joshua!

Speak to me!

Gee, Mikey. I didn't mean to.

I mean, I...

Oh, this is exactly what you meant to do!

And why?

Just because the germs
are smaller than you?

That's no reason to destroy them.

Think about it. I'm way bigger!

[Mikey] Should I destroy you?

[gasps]

Are you insane?

I could get a runny nose or malaria!

Give me back my mask! It isn't safe!

Only if you call off your germ squad!

Never!

[children cheering]

[whistling]

[children gasp]

Gretchen, you're alive!

Thank goodness you're here.

Gus has gone crazy.

He's trying to k*ll
all our beautiful bacteria.

Tell him to stop!

No, tell him germs made you sick,

and now we really
must disinfect the world!

Actually, what I'd like to say is that
you're both behaving ridiculously.

[both] Huh?

But what about the beauty
of all living things?

And your horrible germy disease!

Yes, it's true. Germs made me sick...

See?

But the fact that I caught a cold,

doesn't mean you should
disinfect the world.

Germs are everywhere.
And you've got to learn to live with them.

See?

Mikey, stop acting

as if bacteria were your pets.

They're single-celled organisms
without legs or eyes

-or even a brain.
-I kind of knew that.

But germs made you sick as a dog!
That's just plain bad!

And they made me healthy again, too.

Ah... You lost me.

With something called antibiotics,

which are essentially bacteria

that help the body fight illness.

-Really?
-Germs aren't bad or good.

They're simply a part of life.

Some are harmful,

but others are used
to make medicine, yogurt,

-even cheese.
-I love cheese!

So do I!
Gus, I guess I got a little carried away.

Not as far away as me, buddy.

Friends?

[grunts]
I guess that's a yes.

rd-streeters!

Please disregard
all I have said about germs

And come out and play!

[cheering]

Used to make cheese.

Boy, you learn something new
every day, huh, Bart?

[truck reverse alert sounds]
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