04x01 - Full Moon/Student Teacher

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head.

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

HAROLD: (CHUCKLES)
This is gonna be great.

STINKY: He's sure
gonna be surprised.

Hey, guys,
what are you doing?
(ALL LAUGHING)

We're all gonna moon
Principal Wartz.

It was Harold's
brilliant idea.

You wanna do with us?

I don't think so.

Oh, come on. It's fun.

It's all the rage.

All the junior high kids
are doing it.

It sounds great, you guys,
but I think I'll pass.

Oh, you're just a chicken.

I'm not chicken, Harold.

I just don't think
it's a good idea.

That's because
you're a weenie.

You don't have the guts,
that's all.

Yeah, you just don't
have the guts.

No guts at all.

It's not that, I just...
HAROLD: Shh, shh.

(HUMMING IN THE DISTANCE)

Here he comes.
Get ready, on three. One...

Are you really going to
go through with this?

Shh. Two...

(UNZIPS PANTS)

(VOCALIZING)

Three!

What the... What is this?

(GASPS) Oh, my!

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Come back here,
you little hooligans!

(PANTING)

You won't get away with this.

You there! Where do you think
you're going, young man?

ARNOLD: But Principal Wartz,

I told you,
I didn't do anything!

Well, that may be, but you saw
the hooligans who did do it.

Yeah.
Ah-ha!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Just give me their names.
Last name first.

I can't do that.

This isn't a joke, young man.

Do you think exposing
portions of your anatomy

to your school principal
is funny?

Well, I guess it depends.
Depends on what?

The situation.

Mooning is not funny.
It's not a game.

You may think it's a harmless
schoolyard prank,

but let me assure you,
it is not.

Someone could put an eye out.

Because of mooning?

I'll ask the questions here.
Now, for the last time,
you tell me the names

of the boys
who exposed themselves.

I can't do that,
Principal Wartz.

Of course, you can.
It's easy.

If I told you, then I'd be
ratting on the other guys,

and I can't do that.

I'm assigning you detention.

Detention? But why?

Failure to cooperate.

I want to see you
every day after school

in my office
for the next four weeks.

Four weeks? But I...
That's all.

Now what's the name
of our art teacher?

Mrs. Flunt, yes.

Ask her to come in here
please, would you?

And tell her
to bring her sketchpad.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Hey, Arnold, you didn't
tell on us, did you?

No, I didn't tell.

(ALL SIGH)

What did Wartz do to you?

He gave me
four weeks detention.

Four weeks?

But you didn't
even do anything.

I know, Stinky.

You better not
rat on us, Arnold.

'Cause you know
what will happen if you do.

(SIGHS) I won't tell.

You think maybe
it ain't fair

for Arnold to take the blame
for what we did?

You mean like,
maybe we should tell Wartz

that we're the ones
who mooned him

and get Arnold off the hook?

No, no, no!

Arnold got caught.
That's his fault, not ours.

We got away with what we did
and that's all that counts.

Nobody is going
into Wartz's office

and telling him what we did.

Nobody! You got it?

I guess there's no sense

in all three of us
getting detention.

Hmm. I guess
you're right, Harold.

You figure he'll cr*ck
and spill the beans?

GERALD: Four weeks?
Well, that's hard time, bubba.

He said he'd let me
off the hook

if I tell him who mooned him.

So, are you gonna do it?
No.

Why not? After all,
you didn't do anything.

If Harold and Sid and Stinky

wanna tell Wartz
what they did,
that's their decision.

But I'm not gonna tell him.
I'm not a rat.

Man, that's solid.

I mean, it's stupid,
but it's solid.

See you, Gerald.

(ARNOLD SIGHS)

WARTZ: (OVER PA) Students,
yesterday at approximately
3:38 p.m.,

a heinous crime was committed
here in the halls of P.S. 118.

Three of our pupils
engaged in the flagrant
violation of district rules,

namely the dropping
of their trousers

and exposing of
their fleshy unmentionables

to a respected and beloved
school official.

Some of you may know
this despicable practice
as mooning.

Well, let me assure you,
the culprits
will be uncovered.

I will get to the bottom
of this. That is all.

What if he finds out
we did it?

He won't find out
if nobody tells him.

No, no, the third mooner had
a rounder, fuller posterior

with a mole
on his right cheek.

Very nice. Very nice.
That's much better,
Mrs. Flunt.

Now, Albert...
It's Arnold.

Right, right. Look, Arnold,
I know you're not a...
a bad kid.

You keep saying
you didn't actually

display your end region to me,

but those other
three boys did.
Can we agree on that?

Okay.
Good, good.

Now that we're on
the same side of the fence
on that point,

let me pose
this question to you.

What's the harm
in just letting me know
the names of the boys?

Well, it's just that...

You can just let them slip out
or whisper them to me,

or we can play a guessing game
until I got the answers.

No, I can't tell you.
Why?

I'm not a rat.
Young man, I must warn you

that unless you play ball

and tell me the names
of the hooligans

who exposed themselves to me,
I will be forced

to take note of your lack
of cooperation

and write it down
for all eyes and ears to see

on your permanent record.

STINKY:
I reckon this will go on
his permanent record.

I don't know
if I can take the pressure.

What if you bet he cracks
and rats us all out?

Don't worry,
Arnold's not a snitch.

He won't rat.

I don't know, Harold.

I'm telling you, he won't rat.

Did you rat?

No, Harold,
I didn't rat.

Well, you better not,
'cause if you do,

you know what will happen!

You'll pound me.

That's right. I'll pound you.

Yeah. Right.

I will, Arnold!
You can believe me!

I... You know what,
I'll pound you so good

that you'll be sorry!

So, you want to go
to the arcade?

I can't.
I still have detention.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Four weeks?

Man, you really took the fall
for those guys, didn't you?

Yep.

WARTZ: Don't think of it
as being a snitch.

Just think of it
as being a good citizen.

Chocolate cream?

You know, Albert...
Arnold.

You know, Arnold,

it's not easy
to do the right thing.

He's gonna rat.
He's gonna rat.

When I was a boy,
I found myself
in a situation very similar

to the one you're in
right now.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

You see, I witnessed several
of my fellow classmates

placing a frog
in our teacher's desk.

When she came back
and discovered the frog,

she singled me out
and demanded

that I tell her
who was responsible.

What did you do?

I did the right thing.

I sang like a canary.

I tattled on every
single one of them.

What happened?

The culprits
were severely punished,

and I was rewarded
with a gold star.

Oh, sure, my classmates were
pretty mad at me at first.

They called me a weasel,

they refused
to eat lunch with me,

and b*at me up
on a regular basis.

In fact, my reputation
as a weasel

followed me all the way
into high school and college.

I was stuffed into lockers,

had "Kick me" signs
taped to my back.

I can't tell you
the abuse I suffered

from practically every person

I ever came in contact with.

I didn't have a date
till I was 23.

But I didn't care
about those things,

because I knew that
I had done the right thing.

And in the end,
I overcame all that abuse

and I grew up to become

an elementary school
principal.

Wouldn't you like to become

an elementary school
principal?

Not really.

You told him, didn't you?
No, Harold.

You're lying.
I saw you talking to Wartz.

You told him it was me,

and Stinky, and Sid,
didn't you? Didn't you?

No, Harold. I didn't.

Well, why not?

Because it wouldn't be right.

But you got detention
for four weeks,

and you didn't
even do anything.

If I was you and you were me,

I would have cracked
the first day

and ratted you out.

Well, maybe
you would've, Harold.

But I didn't,
and I'm not going to.

I gotta go.

WARTZ: Young man?
Huh? (GASPS)

Hello, Principal Wartz.

Hello. Do you recognize
anyone in this sketch?

No, sir, I don't.
I really don't. Not at all.

All right. Well, keep up
the good work, son.

I sure will,
Mr. Principal Wartz.

ARNOLD: He gave me
four weeks detention.

STINKY: But you didn't
even do anything.

HAROLD: You better not tell,
or I'll pound you.

WARTZ: Keep up
the good work, son.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Man, Arnold,
I can't believe it.

Your last day of detention

and you're completely
innocent.

If you finish off the day

and don't snitch
on those other guys,

this is gonna go on
your permanent record.

It's just something
I've gotta do.

Young man,
I hold here in my hand

your permanent record.

Now you still have a chance
to save yourself.

Just tell me
who the real mooners are.

Tell me their names,
and I won't have to enter

this terrible black mark
on your record.

I can't do that.

You understand that
your permanent record

will follow you
all the way to junior high?

I understand.

And you still won't tell?

No.
Then you leave me
no choice.

(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
I did it! It was me!

I'm sorry!

Arnold is completely innocent!

I'm the mooner!

(WAILING) I'm the mooner!

I'm guilty, too.

And me.
We all did it together.

(BOYS SOBBING)

STINKY: Arnold had nothing
to do with it.

He was just a pawn
in our horrible twisted prank!

STINKY: He's a saint!
He's a saint.

Well, young man, I suppose
this lets you off the hook

for now.

I had to do it. I just
couldn't live with the guilt.

It's gonna go on
your permanent record.

Oh, I know.
But, I never figured

I'd make it
to junior high anyways.

I'm feeling so much better
now that we fessed up.

Me, too. I guess
we didn't realize it.

But deep down,
the guilt was
driving us crazy

the whole time.
You know, subconsciously.

Hey, Arnold,
remember when I said
you didn't have any guts

because you wouldn't
moon Principal Wartz?

Yeah?
Well, you didn't
have any guts then.

But after you stood up to
Wartz and didn't rat us out,

well, I figured
that took a lot of guts.

More guts than me, and Stinky,
and Sid got put together.

Yeah, Arnold.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
You got guts.

You're just chock-full
of guts.

Thanks.
Hey, guys.
What do you say tomorrow

we'll make a great big ol'
sign that says "Kick me"

and tape it to
Mr. Simmons' back?

(LAUGHS) What a great idea!

STINKY:
Everybody will be kicking
him all day.

And he won't get why.

ARNOLD: I don't know
if that's such a great idea.

The eagle has landed, Miriam.

Oh, it's just so exciting.

Seven whole days of Olga.

This is gonna be great.

This stinks!

Why can't Olga just go
to Fort Lauderdale
like a normal college student?

It's the same thing
every year.

Olga comes home for a week,

she's the center of attention,

and I'm shoved
into the background

like I'm invisible
or something.

(SCOFFS) Some sister.

All she ever thinks about
is herself.

She's never cared about me.

No wonder we don't get along.

(SIGHS) Oh, well.

Olga and I
will never be close.

Mommy! Daddy!

-Oh, come over here!
-We missed you, dear.

Is that you hiding back there,
baby sister?

It sure is.
Nothing gets by you, Olga.

You're such a silly.
Now, give us a hug.

That's such a pretty bow.
Is it new?

I've only worn it
since I was four.

Oh, Helga,
I've missed you so much.

Really, I have.
I've been thinking about you

ever since my developmental
child psychology class,

which absolutely
changed my life.

I learned that
sibling relationships

are the most important
inter-personal relationships

we as human beings
can ever form.

And so, I decided
that I want to use

my vacation
to bond with you.
Huh?

I want us to spend
every waking moment together,

getting to know each other,
sharing secrets.

You know, Helga, you and I
have never been very close.

I want that all to change.
You do?

Oh, yes, Helga.

That's why I planned
a special surprise

only I can't tell you
what it is until tomorrow.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

I mean, it's bad enough
that Olga

has to be so darn
touchy-feely,

but then she has to bust out

this "let's get closer
together" crap
all on top of it.

I'm telling you, Phoebe,
she's giving me the creeps.

Well, at least she'll
only be here a week.

Class, I am happy to announce

that we have
a special addition

to our academic family,

a student teacher.

Another teacher?
One is bad enough.

Please join me in welcoming
our new instructor,

Miss Olga Pataki.

Good morning, boys and girls.

And surprise to you,
baby sister.

I'm not really home
for spring break.

I'm spending
the entire semester

here at P.S. 118,

pursuing my true passion,

the teaching of
little children.

I was gonna go to Alaska
to teach Inuit students,

but then I was struck
with a brilliant idea.

If I came here instead,
I'd get to teach

and spend time with you
getting closer.

Isn't it fantastic?

So, since you're gonna be
hanging around

and we're gonna be spending
a lot of time together,

I thought we'd better
set up a few
healthy boundaries.

Boundaries?

(STAMMERING)
Like, for starters, you don't
wanna boss me around too much

or meddle in my
personal affairs.

It just wouldn't look good.

And if I were you,
I'd steer clear

of any embarrassing
family stories.

It might make
people uncomfortable.
Wouldn't you agree?

Don't be such a silly.

I'd never do
any of those things.

No, really, Olga, I'm serious.

I've got a reputation
and a lot of years

put up in P.S. 118,
and I don't wanna lose that.

You know things about me
that can blow all that work

right out of the water.

Helga, don't worry.
I assure you.

Your concerns are my concerns.

The one sole all-encompassing
purpose of my being here,

my primary goal,
my raison d'etre,

is to simply get closer
to you, baby sister.

(SIGHS) Oh, come on, Olga.
You're just saying that.

No, Helga, it's true.

You see, I realized
all those spring breaks past

weren't exactly wonderful
between us.

And I suppose much of it
was my fault

for, well, for being
a little bit selfish.

But I want this year
to be different.

I want us to get along.
I want us to try.

You're really serious?

Oh, yes, baby sister.

Will you give me that chance?

Will you give us that chance?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Oh, another "F."
I always fail.

I might as well just give up
on book learning altogether.

You mustn't give up, Stinky.

If at first
you don't succeed,
try again.

You know, class, this reminds
me of an inspirational story.

It's about a little girl
who didn't think

she could overcome
her own problem.

Was she a failure
at book learning, too?

No, Stinky. This little girl

had another kind of problem,
you see.

She was a bed-wetter.
(GULPS)

(ALL GASPING)

Hard as she tried, she just
couldn't stop wetting the bed.

Every night, she went to sleep

with rubber pants
and rubber sheets.

And the tragic thing is

that this bed-wetting went on
until she was seven years old.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
That's pathetic!

Yes. But one day, she decided
enough was enough.

And that brave little girl
threw away her rubber pants,

and went to bed that night

determined to overcome
her delicate problem,

and she did.

And after that night,
she never wet the bed again,

except for one or two
little accidents.

And do you know who that
little girl grew up to be?

Look, it's Helga,
the bed-wetter!
(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS)
Listen, you big tub of lard.

If you ever
call me that again,

I swear I'll...
OLGA: Helga!

It's not a very nice way to
play with your little friends.

But... (SIGHS)
But nothing, baby sister.

I'm gonna have to
assign you detention

for the rest of the week.

And I feel like
I'm truly connecting

with the children.
How wonderful, honey.

Yeah, that's great, Olga.

Now, pass me one more
of your home-made dumplings.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Arnold!
Hey, Helga.

I mean, what are you
doing here, football head?

Arnold's here for his tutoring
session with me.

That tears it.
She's embarrassed me,

given me detention, and now
she's stealing the affections

of the boy whom for years
I've tormented and belittled,

but whom I secretly
and passionately love

in my own twisted way.

She doesn't wanna
be closer to me.

She wants to destroy me.

I've gotta get rid of Olga
before she completely
wrecks my life.

(TIRE HISSING)
(CHUCKLES)

If Olga can't drive her car,

then she can't
get to work tomorrow.

(TIRE HISSING)

(SIGHS) A day without Olga.

This is gonna be sweet.

Oh, Helga, there you are.

I had a flat tire
this morning.
Isn't that fantastic?

At first,
I thought it was terrible,

but then I realized it was
actually a lucky thing.

I thought, "Why am I
driving to school

"when I can take the bus
and be with my baby sister?"

Isn't it just wonderful?

(GROANS)

When Olga bites into this,

she'll freak out
and have to go home.
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, look.

Someone left me
a shiny red apple.
(GASPS)

Mmm! (GASPS)

There's a worm in it!
(GASPS)

Miss Pataki,
I think I'm gonna...

I think I'm gonna
have to lie down.

Do you think you can
handle the class

for the rest of the day
by yourself?

Olga's lesson plan.

If she's unprepared for class,

maybe she'll get fired.
(CHUCKLES)

Hmm. That's so strange.

I've misplaced
my lesson plan.

Well, that's okay, but, gosh,

what... what are we going
to do without a lesson plan?

Well, I don't wanna overstep
my boundaries,

but we could take
the children to the park

and organize a nature study.

(CHEERING)
That is a wonderful idea.

Thank you, Miss Pataki.

So, this is
about your sister?

Duh! In case
you haven't noticed, Arnoldo,

Olga is making me miserable.

Have you tried talking to her?

Only about a thousand times.

But she's too busy blabbing

about how wonderful
everything is

to listen to me.

Then you have to make her
listen to you.

How? You mean,
like, with a club

or a baseball bat
or something?

No. With just
plain honest talk.

Sit her down and tell her
how you really, really feel,

even if it hurts.

If Olga really cares about you
like she says she does,

then she will listen to you.

What is it, Helga?

Did you need me to help you
with your homework?

Gosh, isn't it so wonderful
that I can help you

and we can get closer
at the same time?

It's perfect.

No, Olga, it's not perfect.

It's not?
No, it's not. It's rotten.

Rotten? But how could
it be rotten?

We're spending
so much time together,

getting to know each other.

That's the rotten part.

Look, Olga, you think
you're getting to know me,

but you don't know
the first thing about me.

You think spending a lot
of time together

is making us closer,
but it's not.

The truth is, Olga,
I can't stand you.

(VOICE BREAKING)
You can't stand me?

But all I ever wanted was
to be closer to you, Helga.

I tried. I really did.

But I just didn't do
anything right.

And now you hate me,
baby sister.

You hate me, and there's
nothing I can do about it.

(SOBBING)

Well, there is one thing.

What, Helga? What can I do?

How can I show you how much
I love and care about you?

I'll do anything,
just name it.

Just tell me what to do.

But Helga,
I still don't understand.

If I get on that plane
and go to Alaska

to teach desperate
and underprivileged
Inuit children,

how will that ever make us
closer to each other?

Olga, I know it may not
make much sense

to you now, but trust me.

The further away you are
from me, the closer we'll be.

I don't understand, Helga.

But I do trust you,
baby sister.

Then get on that plane.

If you don't,
you and I will both regret it.

We'll regret it today,
tomorrow,

and for the rest of our lives.

But Helga, I may not
see you for a year.

Think of all
the Inuit children

who need your teaching skills.

And in your spare time,
you can think of me.

Okay. Yes.

(SNIFFLES) I will.

(SOBBING)

Get on the plane, Olga.

OLGA: "Dear Helga,
Alaska is wonderful.

"I'm really connecting
with the Inuit children.

"I still don't understand
what happened between us.

"But all I know is I miss you
terribly, baby sister.

"Write soon.
Love, love, love,
more love, Olga."

HELGA: "Dear Olga, I'm glad
to hear you're doing well.

"Everything here is fine.

"Most of the kids have even
forgotten about the incident.

"From Helga."

"Love, Helga."

(MUSIC PLAYING)