04x14 - Headless Cabbie/Friday the 13th

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.

Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(SIREN WAILING)

GERALD:
And though some say

the guard at the zoo
just happens
to look like a gorilla,

others swear,

that on moonless nights

they have actually seen
the hairy man
out of his uniform,

hopping around
in gorilla cages.

The end.
(APPLAUDING)

Well, that was
sort of scary,

but I've got me a fable
that'll knock your socks off.

Let's hear it, Slim.

This here yarn
of a horror

is about the ever
frightening...
(LOUD MUNCHING)

...monkey-cat!

In the dingy laboratory

of the despicable
Dr. Mischief,

there lived an old, furry cat.

One day, the cat snuck into
the cage of a frisky monkey

and got himself caught.

Dr. Mischief watched
as the monkey
and the cat began to fight.

They became
entangled together,

and that's when
the evil doctor
got his big idea.

He cut off the monkey's head

and sewed it on the cat's body
and invented

monkey-cat!

Monkey-cat?

Monkey-cat!

What's so scary
about that?

It's a banana-eating,
milk-drinking horror monster!

Monkey-cat!

HAROLD: That's not scary,
that's stupid.

I came to this sleepover
to be scared, and I'm not.

I'm just hungry!

(YAWNS)

Well, we ate all the pizza,

I guess the only thing left
to do is just go to sleep.

Uh, Sid, it's 6:30.

Oh, yeah, right.
(CHUCKLES)

I have a scary story.

One that'll scare
your pants off.

STINKY: I'm not wearing
the pants.

I'm serious.

Alrighty then,
let's hear it.

This is the tale
of the headless cat.

One hundred years ago,

on a misty,
foggy Autumn night,
just like tonight,

a lonely cabby
was driving his carriage.

WOMAN: Oh, cabbie.

ARNOLD: Suddenly,
a mysterious lady
hailed the cab.

She said she had lost
her dog in the park.

I've been quite upset
and I wanted to clear my head.

You see, I lost my Scottie dog
a few weeks ago and I'm still
hoping to find him.

Might we ride around the park?

Yes, ma'am.

ARNOLD: It was cold out,

and the lady politely offered
a red scarf to the cabbie.

It's so cold out.
Won't you wear this scarf?

Uh, thank you, ma'am.

It is cold out.

ARNOLD: They had no sooner
reached the woods

when the lady
sat up and said...

(DOG BARKING)
What's that sound?

ARNOLD: The cabbie
looked around,

but saw only the dark trees
in the fog.

That sounds
like my dog.

My poor
little baby.

Follow him.

Hurry. Hurry.
(HORSE WHINNIES)

The cabbie didn't want
to go too fast

because it was getting
darker and foggier the farther
they went into the park.

But the sounds of the dogs
barking grew louder.

The lady told the cabbie
to drive faster.

Faster, please,
I implore you.

We're coming, sweetie.

We're coming to save you!

ARNOLD: It was getting darker,
and colder,

and foggier by the minute.

The wheels of the carriage
made a crazy echoey sound

as they rattled
among the cobblestones,

but all the time
the dog kept barking,

and the lady kept yelling...

Faster, do you hear?
Faster, I say!

We must save my doggy!

(BARKING)
WOMAN: I see him!

ARNOLD: "He's just
ahead of us,"
the lady screamed.

The dogs barking
echoed like crazy,

and the horses hooves
were clattering
on the cobblestones.

The cabbie
hung on to the reins

as the horse
pulled the carriage
as fast as he could go.

And now, he could see
the gaslights glowing
at the end of the tunnel.

Suddenly, the lady stood up
and screamed...

Watch out!

It was a man with
a huge golden hook for an arm!
Hey.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

And they
barely missed him.

They swerved out
of the end of the tunnel,

and off the main road
and down a steep hill.

The cabbie hung on
to the reins and tried
to pull up his horse.

That's him!
My doggie's down the hill.

Go down there!

Hurry! Hurry!

ARNOLD: But the lady
b*at him on the shoulder
and yelled...

Faster! Faster!

My doggy!
My little Scottie doggy!

ARNOLD:
No one saw the low branch
hanging over the path

until the cabbie's red scarf
twisted around
and caught on to it.

And then, of course,
it was too late.

The horse kept
pulling the carriage,

only now the reins
were held by...
(NEIGHING)

...the Headless Cabbie!

(WHINNIES)
(CACKLES)

People say that
to this very day

when the fog comes down
on quiet Autumn nights,

you can still hear the barking
of the demon Scottie dog.

You might also hear

the rattling
of the carriage wheels
on the cobblestones.

And then it won't be long

till you hear the laughter
of the horrible ghost lady.

And the next thing you'll see
coming at you
out of the fog

will be the haunted carriage,

driven by

(VOICE ECHOING)
the Headless Cabbie!

(BOTH GASPING)

A righteously told
urban legend,
my brother.

(INAUDIBLE)
(WHIMPERING)

(TEETH CHATTERING)

Harold? Are you okay?

Easy squeezy lemon peasy.

STINKY: Oh, come on, Harold!

It's only a crazy,
made-up ghost story.

Right, Arnold?

Right.
Yeah.

It's not like it actually
happened or anything.

Well, a yarn like that
sure gives me
an appetite.

Let's go out
and get some
ice cream, fellas.

What do you say?
HAROLD: No, no.

We can't leave.
We can't go anywhere.

Come on, Harold.
You'll be fine.

We'll all
go together.

You promise?
We promise.

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey,
wait a minute!

This is City Park.
I'm not going in there.

Harold, we're gonna
go get ice cream,

and the fastest way
is through the park.

Oh, can't we take
some other way?

It's the fastest way!
Come on,
don't be a baby.

Come on, man,
there's no
horse and buggy.

Or a Laughing Lady
or a Headless Cabbie.

It's just
an urban legend.

Yeah, Harold,
my grandpa told it to me.

And he always
makes up stories.

We'll be fine.

Okay, I'll go.

But only because
I'm really, really hungry.

SID: (IMITATING GHOST)
Ooh!

It's me, Harold,

the Headless Cabbie!

Stop it!

Ooh!
Stop it, Sid!

Stop it or I'll pound you!

Hold on, fellers.

Do you hear barking?
(DOG BARKING)

(PANTING)

No! It's the demon
Scottie dog!

STINKY: Oh, it's just
a happy little old mutt

come sniffin' up
to us, Harold.

There ain't nothing
to be scared of.
(WHIMPERS)

HAROLD: No! No, no, no!
It's a demon Scottie dog.

Don't touch it!

It'll put a spell on us
and we'll all wind up
with our heads cut off!

Come on, Harold,
relax!

It is kind of
a weird coincidence.

I mean, it's just like
the dog from the story.

Oh, shucks,
he's just a nice old boy.

We can't
just leave him here.

I reckon I'll take him
with me.

No! No, no, no!

(WHIMPERING)
Oh, come on, Harold.

(WIND BLOWING)

(OWL HOOTING)

(CLATTERING IN DISTANCE)

What's that?
It sounds like a horse.

Just like
in the story!

It's the Headless Cabbie!

ALL: Eugene!

Hi, guys!

(ALL SIGH)

You scared the stuffing
out of us, Eugene!

Oh, sorry.
I was just practicing
for my clog dancing class.

Clog dancing
on the cobblestones
in the early evening.

Now I've seen everything!

Oh, I hate this!

First the dog, then Eugene,

this whole sleepover
is scaring me to death!

Let's get out of this park
and get some
ice cream now, please!

We're almost through
the park, Harold.

See?
Here's the tunnel.

HAROLD: A tunnel?

I ain't going in any tunnel!

(WHINING) Aw, jeez!
I don't want to!

Man, this is creepy,

it's just like
in Arnold's story.

What story?

The Headless Cabbie.

Gosh, what's it about?

Don't tell it, Arnold,
I don't want to hear it!

We're already in
the dark, foggy tunnel.

And the demon
Scottie dog's barking.
(DOG BARKING)

And at the end of the tunnel
is going to be a man with
a golden hook for an arm.

Harold, that's not
going to happen.

We're almost
out of the tunnel. See?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

(ALL GASP)

Hey.

It's the man with
the golden hook for an arm!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Just wanted to sell them
a quality watch.

(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)

Wait, stop, you guys.

Nobody's chasing us.

We just let our imaginations
get carried away.

HAROLD: What imaginations?

(STAMMERING) That guy
with the golden hook
for an arm,

and the
barking dog...

It's all
a coincidence, Harold.

Speaking of coinkidinks,
Arnold, lookie there!

(ALL GASP)
No!

It's the red scarf
of the Headless Cabbie!

You guys, cut it out!

This is crazy!

It's just an old scarf.
(CLATTERING)

There's nothing weird
going on here.

Eugene, will you please
stop clogging.

I'm not doing anything.

(BARKING)
What is it, boy?

(BARKING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

(WHINNIES)

(CACKLES)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Where you going?
It's me, Ernie!

(PANTS)
Ernie?

(STAMMERS)
What are you doing here?

What's it look like I'm doing?

I'm driving this buggy
at night to earn
some extra cash.

You got a problem with that?

But, who's that
lady laughing?

That was no lady.

That was me!

Mr. Hyunh?

Yes!

I have a very creepy laugh.

Can we get out
of here now?

All right, all right, hop in,
I'll give youse a ride home.

Who wants to hear
my creepy laugh?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

HAROLD: No, stop it!
Stop laughing!

Please! Mommy! Stop!

(CAR HORNS BLARING)
GERALD: All right, then.

See you later.
SID: See you.

STINKY: See ya.

What a night!

Tell me about it.

Ooh, I'm
the Headless Cabbie!
(DOOR OPENING)

Where's my head, Harold?

Stop it, Sid!
Please!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
I'm the Laughing Lady,
Harold!

(LAUGHING)
HAROLD: Stop! Stop!

Stop! I'll never
pound you again, I promise!

Just stop it!

Cabbie, I'd like a ride
around the park, please.

Yes, ma'am.

I lost my Scottie dog
a few weeks ago

and I'm still hoping
to find him.

It's so cold out.
Won't you wear this scarf?

Oh, thanks, lady,
it is pretty cold out tonight.
(DOG BARKING)

(LAUGHING LADY
LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

GRANDMA: Happy
Friday the 13th, everybody!

(CACKLING)

Well, I'm off to collect all
the black cats in the city

and walk them
under some ladders.

Who's coming with me?

You crazy old bird, taking up
with a bunch of black cats
on Friday the 13th!

Well, that's just
asking for trouble, Pookie.

Come on, Grandpa,
you're not really
superstitious, are you?

Darn tootin' I am,

and you better be too

if you know
what's good for you!

For hundreds of years,
wise men have feared
the number 13,

and Friday the 13th,
well, why, that's the most
unlucky day of all!

That's the day I paid
the so-called medical student
50 bucks to remove my spleen.

No, Arnold, you go
playin' fast and loose
with any superstitions today

and you'll end up
with a curse on your head!

I don't believe
in that stuff, Grandpa.

Friday the 13th
is just like any other day.

GRANDPA: Oh, no,
now look what you've done!

Hurry up, toss that salt
over your shoulder

or "Bad Luck"
will be you middle name!

Grandpa, it's only salt.

Only salt?

Give me that salt.

Salt, as you fly,
hit the devil in the eye!

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

That was close.

(MEOWING)

Yes, my pretties.

No amount of salt
can save you
from the likes of that.

(BOTH HISSING)

GERALD: I don't know,
maybe your grandpa's
got the right idea.

I mean, my mom wouldn't let me
take the bus today
because it was 9:13.

Plus, she wouldn't let me
out the house without
this lucky rabbit's foot.

But you don't believe
in bad luck.

I'm only saying,
maybe it's

not an everyday
kind of day.

WOLFGANG: Watch out,
there's another cr*ck!

Don't step on it,
beanpole.

Or you'll break
your mother's back.

(EDMUND LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, now I've done
broke my momma's back.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't listen
to him, Stinky,

it's just
a superstition.

Yeah, don't worry,
it won't come true.

WOLFGANG: Will too.

Ask anybody about
Friday the 13th.
(MURMURING IN AGREEMENT)

Yeah, well, I don't
believe in that stuff.

You talk real big,
football head,

but I don't see you
stepping on any cracks.

Go ahead, I dare you.

Forget it. I'm not playing
your dumb game.

Aw, what's the matter,
you too chicken?

(CHUCKLES)
He's too chicken,
Wolfgang.

Look, I'm not afraid
of stepping on the cracks.

Me neither.
Watch me now.

Mmm. Mmm!

(CHEERING)

So you broke
one crummy superstition.
Big deal.

If you really don't
believe in superstitions

then why don't you break
a whole bunch of them,
right now,

on Friday the 13th.

(ALL GASPING)

What about it, you wussy?

Put up or shut up.

Okay, I'll do it.

You with me, Gerald?

Gerald?

I'm thinking.

Gerald.

I mean, I'm...
I'm with you all the way.

Come on, lucky rabbit, work.
Come on!

(CROWD GASPING)
GIRL: Oh they're doing...

(KIDS CHATTERING)
GIRL 2: Something terrible.

(CROWD GASPING)

(CROWD MURMURING)
GIRL: I can't believe
they did that!

Now you guys are
going to break it.

You can either step on it

or maybe just look into it
with your ugly faces.

You're supposed to laugh
when I say smart stuff.

Uh, sorry, Wolfgang.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(CROWD GASPING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)
(GASPING INTENSIFIES)

Guess what this is, losers?

Seven years of bad luck,
except on Friday the 13th,

and then it's triple bad luck!

You guys are cursed.

(CHUCKLING)
That's real funny.

Not now.
Ow.

This is serious.

Friday the 13th
is just like a regular day.

There's no curse.

Right, everybody?

Well, you sure
convinced them.

Look, it's going
to be okay.

Yeah. Things are
looking up already.

I actually stepped in gum.

(BELL RINGING)

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey, Stinky.

Sorry, Arnold,
I can't stop to jaw with ya,

I got to keep away
from you and Gerald

on account of you're
both cursed,
condemned, and blighted.

Stinky, we are
not cursed,

we are not condemned,
and we are not blighted.

What is blighted?
We'll look it up later.

(ARNOLD AND GERALD GROAN)

I told you,
you're a couple
of accursed souls.

Somebody messed with
our lockers, Gerald.

They were
booby trapped.

Whatever you say,
Arnold.

ARNOLD: We're not cursed.

It's all in your mind.

(BOTH SCREAM)

(LAUGHING)

(KIDS LAUGHING)

It's all in my mind,
huh?

ARNOLD: Okay, so somebody
left a can of paint
on the stepladder

and it tipped over.
It could happen to anyone.

But it didn't.
It happened to us.

It just goes to show you,
my friend,

we are definitely cursed.

No we're not, Gerald.
It's a coincidence.

Oh, no.

Another coincidence, Arnold?

Come on, let's just
walk our bikes home
and change the tires.

It's no big deal.

You're a genius,
Wolfgang.

Yeah, you ain't seen
nothing yet.

Hey, mister,

I'll give you $5
for that bucket
of fish heads.

I don't know,
is this some kind of trick?

No, I really need them.

I don't think so.
These are grade A fish heads.

Primo stuff.

Okay, then, $5.50.
Deal!

(BOTH GROAN)

Fish heads?

Man, on top
of everything else,

now we smell
like fish.

(BOTH LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)

Please, please,

just give me a sign!

(FLIES BUZZING)
One measly little sign
so I...

I know our luck
is going to change
and things will get better.

That's not exactly
the sign I was looking for.

They're probably
Grandma's cats.

She's, uh,
collecting them.

Collecting them?

ARNOLD:
Don't ask.

Look, Gerald,
I know what it looks like,

but there's absolutely
no proof that bad luck
follows people around.

Whoops!
(CATS SCREECHING)

(EUGENE SCREAMING)

(EUGENE GROANS)

(GROGGILY)
I'm okay.

Is that enough proof
for you?

That's going to be us
for the rest of our lives.

We were crazy
to do all of that stuff
on Friday the 13th.

It's the baddest
bad luck day of all!

Don't worry, guys,
there's nothing unlucky
about Friday the 13th.

I was born on
Friday the 13th,

and look at me, I turned out
just fine. (LAUGHS)
(MEOWS)

Whoa!

I'm telling you, Arnold, we
need to get professional help!

(SIGHS) All right,
I guess it couldn't hurt.

MADAME BLANCHE:
This is your basic
anti-bad luck kit.

You've got your
curse in reverse cream,

your good luck powder,

you've got your
chains of garlic.

Everything you need
plus much, much more.

Thank you,
Madame Blanche.

I'm feeling lucky already.

Yeah, right.

Oh, wait,
now don't forget,
read the instructions

before you open the kits.

That's all
we have to do?

Yup, that's it.
Oh! And, of course,
pay me 10 bucks.

Ka-ching!
I love Friday the 13th.

(MEOWS)

Step one, place the chain
of garlic around your neck.

Step two, open the jar
of curse in reverse cream.

You're now ready to use
your anti-bad luck kit.

Okay, we have to put on
our garlic chains.

And then we say
the chant, right?

Right.

BOTH: Garlic chains
around our necks,

save us from this evil hex!

We really got 'em
going, Wolfgang.

They actually believe
in this stupid Friday
the 13th junk.

What are you
talking about?

Friday the 13th
is real.

You don't see me
walking under ladders,
do you?

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, right,
Wolfgang.

Ah! Shut up, Edmund,
I'm serious.

ARNOLD:
Curse in reverse cream.

Smells like barbecue sauce.

Smells more like
honey to me.

Whatever, we just have
to smear it on.

This stuff is
our last hope.

Now everything's
going to be fine.

We're curse-free.

Come on.

(BUZZING)

I don't think this cream
is working too good.

Give it time,
Arnold.

Is it my imagination
or is the buzzing
getting louder?

Ahhh, bees!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

No, not that way,
it's 13th Street!

No!

(CROAKS)

(BOTH LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)

Ah, this
is beautiful.

It worked out even better
than we thought.

Well, at least
the bees are gone.

Yup, things are really
looking up, Arnold.

It's not that bad.
It's just

terrible.
It's really terrible.

It's the worst day
in my entire life.

We went too far, man.

We should have never
had broken that mirror.

Now nothing's
going to help us,

not even
these garlic chains.

Hey, what's that
on your chain?

Gum? How'd purple gum
get on my chain

Purple gum?

Arnold, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

BOTH: Edmund!

WOLFGANG: Hit me.

Oh, look,
it's Mr. Bad Luck.

Oh, how come
you're wet?

Have a little accident?

Yeah, maybe
he wet himself.
Look, Wolfgang,

I know what you guys
have been up to.

We know that you've been
behind every bad thing
that happened to us today.

You rigged our lockers
and our desks.

You poured paint on us and
you flattened our tires.

And we switched
your curse in
reverse cream.

Shut up! And so what
if we did all those things?

Big whoop.

What are you going
to do about it?

You know, Wolfgang,
you really shouldn't
treat people like that.

Someday it just might
catch up to you.

Yeah, right,
like that'll ever happen.

I wouldn't be so sure
about that.

(MEOWING AND HISSING)

(GRANDMA HISSING)

EDMUND: Ten, 11, 12, 13...

Thirteen black cats on
Friday the 13th, Wolfgang.

Thirteen black cats
on Friday the 13th?

That's like
the worst bad luck
you could have!

That's like,
a gazillion years
bad luck!

Gerald?

Get away!
No, no, get back.

Edmund, help me!

Well, what do you want
me to do?

Yes, my pretties!

(CACKLING)

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS) Mommy! Mommy!

Lock it, Mom. Hurry!

Happy Friday the 13th,
Arnold.

Happy Friday the 13th,
Gerald.

Come on, let's go
look up the word "blighted".
(CAT MEOWS)

Happy Friday the 13th!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

GRANDPA:
♪ Salt, salt,
whiten demons

♪ Save us from
the evil demons

♪ That was close

♪ Salt, salt,
pure white wonder

♪ Save us from
the men down under

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

Phew!
That was close.

(CAT SCREECHING)
Phew! That was close.

♪ Salt, salt,
we are feeble

♪ Save us from
the Devil's evil

♪ Phew,
that was close

♪ Salt, salt
from the ocean

♪ Save us from
the devil's potion

GRANDPA:
♪ Salt, salt,
queen of spices

♪ Save us from
the Devil's vices

♪ Phew, that was close

♪ Salt, salt,
chilling darkness

♪ Save us from
the Prince of Darkness

GRANDPA: That was close.