03x12 - Witch Day 3

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[rock music]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[laughs and groans]

- [groans]
- Mommy.

[screams]

BOTH: Duncan.

♪ Witch Day, Witch Day,
throw crones upon the pyre ♪

Happy witch day, Huxter.

I'm a little dirtbag.
Oink, meow.

[sighs] Why are these fake
tombstones so heavy?

'Cause they're real.

I had your father borrow them
from the cemetery.

Oh, my God.
How many times have I told you,

do not disturb the dead?

Calm down.
They're our relatives.

Jam them in the dirt, Jack, respectfully.

[groans]

"Reader's Digest" told me
about this amazing new website,

AncestorsLife.com.

At first I misspelled it with an I

and that website was disgusting,

but AncestorsLife.com tells you
the history of your family

and their gruesome deaths.

People d*ed in such
crazy ways back then.

Stonings, beheadings,
petticoat fires.

Hey, Dad,
someone's here to see you

around the side of the house.

Okay.
Unusual place to meet, but...

[gasps]
That creepy doll!

Time to die, Jackie.

[screams]

[laughter]

- Yeah.
- It's hilarious, you're scared of a doll.

Get it away,
so I can open my eyes!

Okay, it's gone.

- Hi.
- [screams] Oh, my God.

I'm on fire today.
[laughs]

Witch Day is
corporately sponsored now?

- Five for Witch Day please.
- What are you talking about?

I want five tickets
for Witch Day.

Oh, you mean American Liberty
Bank presents Witch Day.

You'd have to ask for
tickets to that.

Okay. Five tickets for

American Liberty Bank
Witch Day.

Presents Witch Day.

American Liberty Bank
presents Witch Day!

There ya go.
Have a spooky, good time.

American Liberty Bank
takes no responsibility

- for you having a spooky, good time.
- [groans]

All right, who's ready for
some family Witch Day fun?

[cheering]
Me, me, me!

Oh, there's my friends.
See ya.

Sup?

[spooky music]

Okay, girls,
if you're gonna scream or cry,

let me know,
so I can take a video.

[creepy laughter]

Now, we're talking.
Scare the hell out of us!

I'm going to slash

your ATM fees in half.

- Oh.
- [groans]

- I'm Freddie Mac.
- I'm Fanny Mae.

BOTH: And we want to finance
your home forever

and ever and ever.

Can we just nap on a hay bale?

Hey, Mr. Mitch, nice cloak.

Thanks. It's my bathrobe.

I just pinned some
stars and moons on it.

Step inside Mr. Mitch's
midnight m*ssacre,

a totally immersive
terror experience.

No offense, but everything
and everyone here sucks butt.

We're getting too old to be
scared by Witch Day junk.

That's 'cause you haven't
seen my junk.

- [all groan]
- Come on, guys.

Let's give his junk a chance.
I bet it's gross and scary.

Mia said something.
Let's do it.

Cool. Enter if you scare.

[laughs]
Yeah, that's good.

Bark, bark.
I vant to suck your blood.

Uh-oh, I think I see my man,
Frankenstein.

Damn, that's just my gym sock.

Let's get out of here.
It's a puppet show.

We're definitely too old for this.

Yeah, let's blow this totally
immersive terror experience.

It's like an A movie.
Not scary, but maybe smart.

We're done here.

[munching]

Banking with American Liberty
is a no-brainer.

[groans] This is supposed
to be a festival of women

being falsely persecuted
for crops going bad.

They've taken the magic out of it.

Ugh, I hate seeing our kids
not scared to death.

Let's put on a Witch Day
of our own at home.

Yeah, we don't need this
corporate jive-fest.

- DIY Witch Day.
- Hey, wait up.

We want out of this
babbu Witch Day too.

Hey, there's a $
disappointment fee.

[spooky music]

Gee, I wonder if
when the girl splashes

cold water on her face,
in the bathroom mirror

suddenly there'll be
a k*ller behind her.

[screams]
[chainsaw revs]

Yawn.

This movie is, like, "IT"
with an S-H in front of it.

Yeah, maybe we are
too old to be scared.

[phones ring]

[all scream]

Hang on.
My phone's on silent.

[screams]

I've hacked your devices
and gained access

to your most embarrassing
personal videos.

Bring me $ in untraceable
Cheesecake Warehouse

gift cards by midnight

or I release the videos
to everyone in your contacts.

- [all scream]
- And to prove it...

Hey, Beyoncé,
Mia Abara here,

activist and also, hot.

Just wanted to show you this
dance move I came up with.

Whoo.
[farts]

Oh, God.
Bey, no, no.

That's not part of the dance.
[farts]

- Turn it off.
- Man!

For a vegan,
you can really rip 'em.

The other videos are far worse.

Get the gift cards and await
further instructions.

You heard that freak
in the plague mask.

To the Cheesecake Warehouse.

♪ ♪

Welcome to the Harris family
Witch Day.

- Presents Witch Day.
- [groans]

Some other little kids
were here before you.

We dismembered them
and filled these bowls

with their body parts.
Feel their eyeballs.

- [groans]
- I'm gonna ralph.

These are worms we pulled out
of their stomachs.

[all groan]

Why did they eat
so many worms?

We forced them to
before we m*rder*d them.

You're so good with kids, honey.

We're gonna set up
the next scare.

Wait a minute.
These ain't no freakin' worms.

There's spaghets
and they're al dent.

Oh, my stars!

Kimberly, bring him back.
I only have two friends.

I didn't do anything.
Where did he go?

I'm in your freakin' wall.

There's ghosts up the wazoo
in here and termites.

Oh, thank you, big guy.

And that's why
you take communion.

What happened?

You got some gabba-ghouls
in these walls.

I'm out of here.
Let's go, B.

[panting]

[spooky "Ooh"]

[both scream]

Take that,
American Liberty Bank.

Excellent child scaring, honey.

[both scream]

Okay. A little late,
but we'll take it.

Who dares disturb
my eternal sleep?

- ALL: Gabba-ghoul!
- [yelps]

I told you not
to disturb the dead.

Where's my good sage?

- On top of my toilet.
- Never mind.

[eerie music]

Oh, my God, she's horrifying.

Hello.
I'm floating right here.

The ghost looks like you, Mommy.

- Huh?
- Hmm?

Hmm. Hmm.

That's my great-great-
great-great cousin Winifred,

the one whose tombstone
we took.

I wonder if her being here
is connected to that.

It's not-not connected.

How exciting to catch up
with a dead cousin.

I don't talk to
any of my living ones

'cause they're judgmental trash.

I got a million questions for you.

I'd be happy to answer them
all for you over dinner.

I'll make a pot
of my famous fox stew.

Be right back.
Here, foxy.

Wow.
This is gonna be fun, huh?

Mom, ghosts don't
usually come back

to make dinner and have an AMA.

Trust me,
she's got unfinished business.

I'm sure there's
a perfectly innocent reason

her soul can't rest.

Now, go screw the plastic
wine glasses together.

I don't want
to have dinner with her.

She smells like
a thousand dead birds.

Yes, we can all smell her,

but she's family
and you'll be there.

[fox screeches]

That fox sounded
really old, right?

Wow, standing in line
is , calories.

All right, y'all, let's hear it.
What's the worst video you got?

Mine was me squatting over
my phone with no pants on

for medical reasons. Bex?

I was rapping along
to Soulja Boy's album.

- [all groan]
- Every, single word.

- What?
- Whoa.

Yikes. Wolf?

[all scream]

Why are boys always
squattin' over phones?

All right, Duncan,
you're the only one left.

No way. It's way worse than
any of yours.

- Worse than this?
- Ah. Stop, Wolf.

[chuckles]

Welcome to
Cheesecake Warehouse.

- Five for dinner?
- God, no.

We need $ in gift cards.

Ooh, being blackmailed
by a psycho?

That's most of our business.

Now, what do we do?
[phone chimes]

I sent a car
that will bring you to me.

What kind of music
would you prefer?

- Soulja Boy.
- ALL: No.

[horn honks, tires screech]

Hello. Are you...

hold on, let me check
my phone... victims?

We gotta take the chance.

I don't want my video
getting out.

And he does have a . .

Ooh, little water bottles.
[chuckles]

Mm, mm, mm.

This fox stew is amazing.

So much better than
Cheesecake Warehouse fox.

So, Cousin Winnie, tell me all
about your life in olden times.

- Were you a career gal?
- Oh, yes.

I placed notices
from the constables

on carriages
that were parked too long.

[gasps] We're parking
enforcement sisters.

Whoo!

[groans] That was cold
and I had a vision of my death.

You've crafted a fine home
for your family, Jack.

Oh, I didn't build it, but
I did help find the realtor.

have you ever considered
growing muttonchops?

They'd be quite becoming on you.

I really wanted to
but Annie said no.

You know, Winifred, we can
buy butter in stores now.

I'll take you later
in our automobile.

Ooh, that would be lovely.

Jack, can you escort me?
Hmm.

- Is the dead chick hitting on dad?
- Dead, smelly chick.

She's a ghost, girls.
Don't be silly.

Ooh, hold the fox's fur
up to your cheeks.

[gasps]
Very strapping.

Your jaw is strong
like a magistrates.

- A magistrate? Ooh.
- Hmm?

"No cell service"?

How do people call for help
if they need it?

ALL: Oh.

Just 'cause a town has a scary
name doesn't mean it's evil.

Okay, a gas station
that does not sell premium.

We are gonna die.

Been driving two days straight.
Need an energy drink.

- Monster?
- No. Why would you say that?

I'll take a beverage and
if they have peanut M&M's...

Okay, we need a plan in case
this guy tries to k*ll us.

I say, hide behind Mia.

She's got major
"Final Girl" energy.

- What about me?
- You the clown.

The fact that you're still
alive is a miracle.

Hey, guys, he's not buying
an energy drink.

He's got a shovel, duct tape,
and a plastic tarp.

No peanut M&M's?
I know he heard me.

Wait, he just grabbed
the energy drink.

[all sigh]
[clanging]

And he's bashing the cashier
to death with it.

I'm calling the Bloodville police.
No cell service!

Here he comes.
Run for it.

[all panting]

Hey, your M&M's!

- Oh, sweet.
- Duncan, no.

[laughs]
[tires squeal]

[all panting]
[engine revs]

How does he know
where we are?

Hey, guys, hope you don't
think this bit is too "corny."

Oh.
[groans]

Oh, they were right.
The clown dies first.

Don't die for a pun, Bex.

- Whoo-hoo.
- ♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Old Dan Tucker, you're
too late to get your supper ♪

Don't tell the pastor
I'm jigging so shamelessly.

Oh, it feels good.
[laughs]

Hurry up, Kimberly. Tell me
what my cousin is doing here.

That fox is going
right through me.

Okay, here it is.

Winifred had a beau named
Jackariah Harrisburg.

He was dad's great-great-
great-great-great cousin.

- Here's a link to a drawing.
- Daddy.

No wonder
she was hot for chops.

That shady, stinky lady.

Jackariah stood her up
on her wedding day

and she was never the same.

She was committed to
The Home For Upset Women

because "the devil got her brain".

What did I tell you, Mom?
Her unfinished business is

- getting up in dad's business.
- That's it. Get your sage.

I'm sending this bitch
back to .

This smelly bitch.

Okay, Jing, once she's gone,
you're back to no cursing.

Damn.

[both vocalizing]

The jig is up, Winifred.

Get your dead, filthy hands
off my husband.

- [groans]
- My chops!

Mind your own business, cousin.

Jack, this ghostly trollop
is trying to steal you from me.

Dad, you look exactly like
your cousin, Jackariah,

the man who left her
at the altar.

My God, I really would
look good in muttonchops.

Like Wolverine. So hot.

Jack, I'm taking you
to the spirit realm

where we can spend eternity.

- I'm gonna jig your brains out.
- I don't think so, cuz.

Kimberly, toilet sage her
back to hell.

I banish thee back to the afterlife.

[groans]

[screams]

Wow. She really had me
under some kind of spell.

That's the only
possible explanation

for me being so into it,
right? Right?

[yawns]
What a Witch Day.

Okay, I'm gonna take my bra off
and drink wine.

I will not be abandoned
a second time.

That's Winifred!

[growls]

Whatever Dad did in that
bathroom ruined my sage.

Why do we keep that damn doll?!

[groans]

I'm dragging you to hell, Jack.

Sorry about me
going bananas in your house.

- Hope these cannolis will...
- [groans]

Help me, Little Joey!

[screams]

[screams]

You are not dragging
my husband to the afterlife.

We have parent-teacher
conferences next week.

[screams]

You can have his carcass.
I just need his soul.

[choking]

Back in my day,
this is how we said "hello."

[moans]

I'm not gonna let some Cabbage
Patch Kid k*ll my husband.

[all groan]

Then you and all
your children will be cursed.

Your tongues
will become snakes,

jump down your throats,
and eat your intestines.

[hisses]

- We'll miss you, Dad.
- Wait, don't curse anyone.

I'll come with you.
Just let me say goodbye.

- Jack, no!
- I'll make it work.

The kids can visit me in the
afterlife every other weekend.

Sex is gonna be painful and
scary, but I'll get used to it.

You're accepting this
way too easy.

[car engine revs]

[all panting]

We can hide in there.

No way. There's probably
old guys walking around

- in gowns with their butts out.
- Or we can die out here.

Yeah, you could die out here.

I'm rolling with "Final Girl",
but I will not be the dude

who sacrifices himself
to buy you some extra time.

Meddling kids.

[all panting]

Down here.

- Yikes.
- The basement of an insane asylum.

Well, I'm crappin' my pants.

You'll explain to Duncan
that the creepy doll

possessed by your ancestor's ghost

- dragged me to the afterlife?
- Of course.

So how would
you like to die, Jack?

Well, I've given that
a lot of thought.

Heroin is pretty rock 'n' roll,

but a feel a little weird
OD'ing in front of my kids.

So will you sh**t me while
I eat a quesadilla?

Ooh, whatever my man wants.

[g*n clicks]
[groans]

Please let me
make the quesadilla.

I know how much butter he likes.

- A lot.
- Pull it together, Mom.

I'm gonna try a spell
to summon Jackariah,

so Winifred will go back with him.

Jackariah Harris, I summon you
to fetch Winifred, your bride.

ALL: Huh?

Well, that was a big nothing.

It didn't work again.
You're bad at magic.

[eerie music]

Oink, meow to ye.

[all scream]

[saw whirring]
ALL: Huh.

[screams]

Mr. Mitch, you've gotta help us.

What the hell is wrong
with you? I'm gonna die.

Give plague mask
the gift cards.

That's the only way to stop it.

I dropped them in the corn field.

How much time before the
buzz saw tears your face off?

Ten seconds.

That's cutting it close.
Get it?

How am I not dead yet?

[screams]

Stop. Don't k*ll him.

[phone chimes]

There I just sent my embarrassing
video to all my contacts.

Will you at least accept that?!
[phone chimes]

Oh, sure.
Now, there's cell service.

[saw whirring slows]

Hey, Mia, it's me, Duncan,
from high school

and, like, hanging out.
Um, the first time I saw you,

I felt like I had to pee,
but I didn't.

Oh, that blows.
Start over. Okay.

Hey, Mia,
me go movies with you?

- Mom wants your dirty underwear.
- Get out!

Aw.

Damn, you made
my squat video look good.

Yeah, Duncan, you should've
waited another couple seconds.

Happy Witch Day.

I hope you enjoyed
Mr. Mitch's Midnight m*ssacre,

a totally immersive terror experience.

Exit to your left.

ALL: Huh?

For once in my life, I'm confused.

Everything that happened tonight

was a part of my scary attraction.

That's the back
of my booth right there.

Wait. What about plague mask?

That was just Mavis wearing a
mask filled with peanut butter.

And that creepy Uber driver?

Oh, that's Gerald Perry,
the school drama teacher.

- Get in here, Gerald.
- The world is a stage.

You were never in danger.
Nobody hacked your phones.

But you leaked Mia's video.
We saw her rip one.

Actually, that video was a fake.

I helped Mr. Mitch
put this all together

because you guys said
you were too old to be scared.

- Gotcha.
- Oh, yeah.

Uh, my video was fake too.
Gotcha.

I hope I didn't
traumatize you too bad

with all the thinking you were
gonna die and whatnot.

Are you kidding me?
We'll need therapy for years...

and that, my friend,
is entertainment.

- Can we do it again?
- Give me a minute.

This immersive experience
is a bitch to reset.

Places.

Too bad that video
was a fake, Duncan.

I might've gone
to a movie with you.

Wha... [stammers]
I-It was real.

My underwear was filthy.
Ask Kimberly.

I mean, uh,
me love go movie sometime.

I am Jackariah Harrisburg,

w*r hero and vigorous lover.

Who disturbs my eternal rest?

And why do I have a little,
curly pig tail?

'Cause she's bad at magic.

Look, Winifred,
Jackariah came back for you.

- Jackariah, is it really you?
- Yes, 'tis me.

I've been searching
the spirit realm to tell you

I didn't stand you up
at our wedding.

I was working overtime
at the mill when it collapsed.

- I was saving up to buy you a goat.
- Oh, Jackariah.

But my neck was snapped
by a big, old bag of flour.

I have loved only you

and waited centuries
for us to be together.

Are you ready for some vigorous
loving as my eternal wife?

Nah. I have a new beau.

- Jack Harris, hunter of realtors.
- Hi.

A new beau?
Did you jig for him?

Hey, did she jig for you?
Did you jig my wife?

[stammers]
I don't think...

- I don't even...
- 'Tis a simple question!

- Did you jig my wife?
- Enough hocus pocus.

Let's do this st century
style and kick some ass.

[groaning]

[groans]

[all scream]

[both panting]

Whoo.

[both panting]

[screams]

Yeah.
Always put away your toys.

- Oh, what's going on?
- Let me go.

Let us out of here.

Oh, thank God.

I can still feel
her slimy tongue in my ear.

Okay, somebody remind me
they're up there

when we get
the Christmas decorations.

Nobody, dead or alive,
licks my man.

Jig for me, baby.

[both vocalizing]

Of all the things I saw today,

this is what
I'll have nightmares about.

♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Throw a pine cone on the fire ♪

Jack, I'm gonna go up to the attic

- to get the Christmas decorations.
- Okay, have fun.

[groans]

- Hi-ya.
- [screams]

Jack, I told you to remind me.

- About what?
- We're free!

- Suck out their souls for energy.
- On it.

[groans]

Hey, my mom baked
Christmas cookies.

[gasps]
Baby Jesus!

- [screams]
- [laughs]

Ho, ho, ho.

Happy Witch Day, everyone.