Martin, I'm just so sorry.
- Colonel.
- Ellingham.
I was just mending the chicken coop and I went over my ankle.
I see.
And you call that an emergency, would you? I didn't say it was an emergency, Martin.
I asked you to look at it.
- You're sweating.
- I had to walk here.
- My car's still in the garage.
- Fresh air will do you good.
Well, there's nothing broken.
lt's just sprained.
But you will need to rest it.
- I said keep off it! - Oh! Oh.
Ellingham.
Hello, Joanie.
10.
30, time for a cup.
I would get up, but apparently I'm an invalid.
Is that loaded? Oh, don't worry, old man.
I'm a professional.
lt's for protection.
Not for me, you understand.
- For the choughs.
- Who are the choughs? - Well, they're birds, old man.
- Oh.
Extremely rare birds, and they're nesting on the cliffs for the first time for many years.
Luckily, word hasn't spread.
lt's still on a need-to-know basis.
We don't want a bunch of gawkers disturbing the nesting site.
I thought sh**ting bird watchers was frowned upon.
Wise up, man.
Rare birds' eggs are worth a fortune on the black market.
- What's that, then? - Uh nothing.
- Bert.
- Oh, almost done.
I just gotta get a new part.
I'll be back in an hour.
Why haven't you finished? You've been here a week.
You can't rush it.
You want a proper job or a job done quickly? I'm beginning to wonder if you're capable of doing either.
That was close.
Now, you'll keep this info about the birds on the QT, Ellingham? Doctor-patient confidentiality, you understand? - The birds aren't my patients.
- Who's he gonna tell, anyway? A couple of warning sh*ts should do the trick.
- Like Robert Finn.
- That was an accident.
- You sh*t him in the back.
- Yeah, but it was dark.
Anyway, l I thought he was I I thought he was a wild boar! Well, it wasn't permanent.
What's the fuss all about? That's reassuring.
I'd love to chat, but I have a long walk ahead of me.
Auntie Joan, in future, unless it is a real emer My God! You've k*lled her! - Auntie Joan? - You bloody, bloody fool! - I didn't do it on purpose.
- Wasn't my fault.
- This one's down to you.
- I'm not the one who left - a loaded g*n around! - Perfectly safe, in my hands.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Is my bleeding bothering you? - That's because of the g*nsh*t wound.
- lt's just a few pellets.
- The bulk of it missed you.
- lt's all right, dear.
He just winged you, Joanie.
We've learned a lesson about carrying loaded g*ns.
Yes, keep them away from you.
- Oh? - The expander slipped.
Mixer seized up again.
Got blood all over the bakery.
- Bet that hurts.
- The doc busy? He's on a house call.
He'll be back in a minute.
Have a seat.
And try not to bleed.
- Like a doughnut? - They're not mine? Supermarket's are gonna do me in.
I'm not exactly getting rich standing around here waiting for the doc.
Calm down.
lt's just a doughnut.
You'll be all right, Joanie.
- Yes, I'll be fine.
lf it's all the same to you, I think we should keep this whole thing to ourselves.
There's no point in anybody getting a reputation for this kind of thing.
Gilbert, leave it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh All right.
There's no point in lugging it around.
I'll, um I'll pick it up tomorrow.
- Uh, goodbye, Joanie dear.
- Goodbye.
Right, I'll, uh, check in on you tomorrow.
There'll be some bruising and tenderness, but you'll be fine.
Apology accepted.
Can you take that thing with you and drop it off with PC Mylow? - No - I don't want Gilbert stalking with it.
Oh.
I suppose I'll, um How do you find the safety switch? I'd feel happier if you weren't playing.
I'm not playing around with it.
I'm just trying Fine.
I'll give it to Mylow.
- Don't sh**t anybody on the way home.
- Yes.
Third time the mixer's gone down this week.
Can't afford to buy a new one.
The doc gonna be back soon? Just don't fancy bleeding to death, that's all.
- He should have been here by now.
I'll take care of that.
Come this way, please.
- Are you sure? - Hush.
- lf you'd like to sit down there - I might just wait.
lt's fine.
You don't need the doc.
- I'm his loco.
- As long as you know what you're doing.
There is nothing to worry about.
I'm almost a trained nurse.
Well, in three years or so.
lf a university accepts me.
Um I really don't think you should be doing this.
I've worked here for ages.
- I'm a medical professional.
What the hell's going on? - I knew he wouldn't like it.
- lt's a superficial laceration.
No, it isn't.
You don't acquire medical knowledge by sitting in the next room.
- Couldn't go off by accident, could it? - No.
'Course not.
Call PC Mylow, would you, and have him come get it.
Off to his honeymoon.
Hawaii.
Alone.
How depressing.
Could you get a move on, Doc? I need to get back to the shop.
All right, hold that.
Stop whining.
You're not haemorrhaging.
Life isn't in danger.
You have a minor wound.
Shush.
- Can I help you? - Your doctor has a unique way of dealing with his patients, don't you agree? - Do you have an appointment? - I'm here to see the doctor - on a private matter.
- You still need an appointment.
I'll come back later.
So - Right, then.
- Something bothering you, Bert? Oh, no.
No.
- These birds.
- Which birds? Chough birds.
They're valuable, aren't they? I wouldn't know about that, Bert.
I'm going to feed the chickens.
Right.
The hardest is writing something about myself.
I have to sum myself up in a paragraph.
Do you think three pages is too long for a paragraph? lt's gonna be weird, you not being here.
They have this great invention called a phone, you know.
Yeah, I know, but It'll be different.
- Maybe I won't even get accepted.
- 'Course you will.
You got your GCSE, didn't you? Like metalwork, woodwork and PE Don't mess with me, AI Large.
Want me to post it? I'll go past the post box.
- Thank you.
- Yeah? See you later.
- Oh, Doc.
- Mrs Tishell, I was just I was just thinking about you.
ln the latest issue of the MHRA, there's a fascinating article on elephantiasis.
- Um - Time for a cup of tea? - I ordered some antiseptic wipes.
- Yes, that's right.
- And? - Yes? - Have they arrived yet? - Oh, no.
Not yet.
- I have biscuits.
- I see.
You look like a HobNob sort of man.
I need a tube of Tolnaftate cream on my personal account.
- is it for yourself, Doctor? - Yes, it is.
Is it athlete's foot or the Dhobie's itch? - Just the feet.
- All right.
Yes.
Sorry.
How long have you had it? Is it in both feet? I've got just the thing.
lt's an aerosol combination spray.
I'll clear it up.
- I'm sure I'll survive.
- I'll express order it.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Dennis.
- Hi, Louisa.
- Are you following me? No.
I wasn't I've been to see Mrs Tishell.
I hate to think you were stalking.
I know what it's like to be accused of being something that you're not.
Like, I don't know, a certain doctor claiming I suffered from delusional romantic attachment.
Right.
Well, perhaps when I said that I was being Rude? I hadn't thought through the diagnosis.
- That's your apology.
- I didn't apologise.
- Here, l - What's this? - lt's a card.
- Hmm.
- What's it? - Happy birthday.
Joan put you up to this, did she? No, it's a birthday card.
Oh, I see.
Thank you.
And, um, I was wondering, perhaps, if you weren't doing anything later, you might like to have, um, dinner with me.
- I don't believe it.
Dad? - Oh.
What are you doing here? You should have called! Wouldn't have been a surprise then, would it? You look beautiful.
- Oh, no, Dad.
- Yes, you do, just like your mother.
Terry, this is Dr Ellingham.
- My dad.
- I thought he was dead.
I never said that.
- I must have dreamt it.
- What happened to Doc Simmon? Uh, he is dead.
- Tosser.
Uh, don't worry.
That was meant for me.
Local dialect for 'welcome back'.
- Uh, I have to go.
- Thank you.
I bet he's the life and soul of the party.
Martin's all right.
He's just different.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little bit surprised to see you.
Especially here.
I thought it was time to pay you a visit.
- Couldn't forget your birthday.
- Why? You usually do.
- Turned over a new leaf.
- You staying in the village or? Oh.
Come on.
I wish I wasn't empty-handed.
I saw this lovely dress in a shop in London.
Full of flowers.
lt would look beautiful on you.
I went in and they said, 'Wholesale only.
' Yeah.
School's fine.
I've got a promotion.
- Headmistress.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's great.
- I better behave myself then.
- You're a little old for detention.
Not that you'd ever turn up.
Can't get higher than that, can you? Head of school.
What's the pay like? - Why? - I'm just I'm interested.
Look, Louisa, don't worry.
I didn't come back here to borrow money, if that's what you're thinking.
No, it wasn't.
So why are you back? I missed you.
I knew you'd be on school holidays.
I hoped to see you.
Oh.
Cup of tea? You always change the subject, don't you? No, I don't.
I just wanted a cup of tea.
I know what it's like down here.
Listen hard, you can hear the curtains twitching.
Can't have been easy for you, putting up with what people said about me.
- No, it wasn't.
- I'm not gonna win Father of the Year.
I'm not getting any younger.
I thought we could spend a bit of time together.
- Well - When people say that, they usually follow it up with 'I've only got six months to live.
' No, I'm not dying.
I just miss my daughter.
I tell you what.
Why don't you sit down.
I'll make you a special birthday dinner.
Well, I'm supposed to be meetin' up with people in the pub.
- That's all right.
- No, but it doesn't matter because it's not definite.
And And I would love that.
Great.
Just two questions: Do you have beans and do you have toast? ln the cupboard.
All very well, you saying things will get better.
You don't have an ex-wife who wants you destitute, do you? You're not competing with that supermarket.
You've gotta make your own luck, don't you? Taken half my customers, it has.
Who wants a sausage roll from me when you can get light bulbs and toilet roll - in the next aisle? - Yeah.
Take a look at this.
Here.
Chough birds, eh? Now, just think of this.
All those rare bird fanatics that go up and down the land in search of them.
- And we got them right here.
- Doesn't help me now.
Well, you gotta think about it, right? Now, I made some phone calls and I told them twitchers, 'Pack your throne, missus, come to Portwenn.
The place will be teeming with them.
' That's when I can do my bird-watching tours, see? They rare, then? - The Colonel thinks so.
He thinks those eggs are worth thousands.
The only trouble is he's not letting anybody near them.
lt's a bugger for my tours.
You You know what you need to do, don't you? You need to make some of those bird-shaped pasties.
They fly off the shelves.
Don't think that's gonna solve my financial problems.
They fly off the shelves.
Oh, don't worry.
Things are looking right up, my friend.
Things are looking right up.
Good morning, Doc.
Ah! Hello again.
I thought I'd catch you before morning rush.
Gavin Peters.
I'm a doctor's friend.
- What? - I work as a liaison between practitioners and local medical committee.
I assist colleagues with complaints.
lt's part of the Cause for Concern Initiative.
There are issues brought to our attention regarding your patient care.
- Right.
- Oh.
Oh, that's good luck.
I got it.
Right.
We've had a few complaints about your manner, the way you deal with patients.
I don't want to go into specifics.
Just to say that certain people felt you're a little brusque.
- Can I come in? - Brusque? Yeah.
First of all, I want to assure you nobody's in any trouble here.
But patient care isn't just about the right diagnosis.
We have a pastoral duty as well.
What do you think is a doctor's greatest tool, huh? - Take a guess.
- A thermometer.
No.
lt's these.
When we listen, really listen to patients, we let them know we're here.
- Can I just stop you there? - Sure.
- Doc? Can I have a word? - Not now.
- lt's quite important.
- What? Ah! Ellingham! Now, what did I tell you? Not to broadcast it around the village.
- Broadcast what around the village? - You told the baker about the choughs.
Hmm? That man can't keep his trap shut either.
He probably told the butcher and Lord knows who else.
Now, people know there are choughs nesting on the cliffs.
- There are choughs on the cliff? - I don't care where the choughs are nesting or who knows it.
You're obviously not aware of how common the theft of rare birds' eggs is.
Not aware, don't care.
Unless you have a problem, please leave.
Doc, about that word? Can't help you.
All I need is to borrow your boat for an hour or two on Wednesday.
- There's 50 quid in it for you.
- Where'd you get the money, eh? Don't start with that.
Sixty.
I don't need your money.
Fellas! Listen, fellas.
Can you help me out? - What are you doing? - Hello, boy.
- Another feather in your dad's cap.
- lt's the police car.
I know.
PC Mylow asked me to look after it while he was away.
I don't think he meant turn it into a tour bus.
- Tours of what, anyway? - Ever heard of chough birds? - No.
- What we have here is a real money-spinner.
Here.
Don't go spreading it about, but Are we gonna do any work today? - You having a problem? - No.
Troubles with your girl? Well, whatever it is, be sure of one thing.
At the end of day, it'll all be your fault.
That's the way their mind works.
Come on.
Lend us a hand.
You see, the thing is, - it's just easier to apologise.
- Yeah.
lt gets you off the hook, and before you know it, she's cooking something tasty and you're watching Match of the Day.
Result.
Remember that conversation we had about some things I don't want you interfering in? - This is one of them things? - Yeah.
All right.
Give us a hand with the other side.
Come on.
Like I said, all you have to do is apologise.
What about a nice bunch of flowers? Worked for me.
Flowers.
- Did your mum send you a card? - What do you think? You know what she's like.
She was never good at dates.
I know.
- I'm not sure this is a good idea.
- lt's just a drink.
lt's gonna be fine.
Some people will make the odd comment, talk about us behind our backs, - but that's just villages for you.
- lt's not that I'm worried about.
lt's when they grab the flaming torches and the pitchforks.
- Still, you've always believed in me.
- Terry, hey! Hey! - There you are.
- Jonathan? - I didn't expect to see you here.
- Surprise.
Uh, this is my friend, Jonathan.
This is my daughter, Louisa.
- Pleased.
- Good to meet you.
- We have to talk.
- Sure.
Later.
- I'm taking my daughter for a drink.
- Great, I'm parched.
What? I can't join you for a drink, Terry? Sure, you can.
Garage has returned your car.
- Can I sit down? - No.
What I'm about to say is gonna come as a shock.
Wow, this is really hard.
OK.
OK.
Now, we've been through a lot, you and me.
I don't want to leave you in the lurch.
I know you've come to rely on me.
What are you talking about? I'm going to university.
To train as a nurse.
I'm leaving.
Goodbye.
Not straight away.
I'll help you find my replacement, not that it'll ever be the same.
I know.
I am gonna miss you.
Thanks, Doc, and don't bother about my reference.
I've already written one for you.
- Never said anything about a friend.
- He's my lodger.
He said he'd say hello if he was in the area.
What was that about having to talk? He seemed upset.
Probably nothing.
I never thought I'd miss this place.
- Same old decor.
- Same old bird, too.
You know, the government are making a camera that goes into the eyes of birds.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Miniature things.
lt's nano-technology for, um, surveillance.
Don't ask where they put the battery pack.
Painful.
Everyone is watching.
Give me money to put in the box.
- Not looking - They are.
No, they're looking at me.
I left Portwenn under a bit of a cloud.
- Wish they'd mind their own business.
- Well, they better stop.
- Like elephants, this lot.
- Ignorant sods.
Don't worry about it.
lt's not worth it.
l I don't like this.
There's too much coverage here, Terry.
- I don't like this at all.
- Keep calm.
Finish your drink.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
My dad is a good man.
He doesn't deserve to be treated like this.
He didn't have anything to do with him.
Because of people like you - Look, I know my father.
- I'm on to you, you know.
disgusting.
No.
There's no point pretending.
I know you're watching me.
- Give us a kiss.
Don't make fun out of me, all right? Oh, yeah! I just wanted to say that.
That's all.
And that had nothing to do with my father.
His friend just doesn't like parrots.
Come.
- What do you want? - Just a chat.
Then chat with the receptionist.
I'm busy.
Dr Ellingham, may I call you Martin? No.
There've been complaints about your attitude towards patients.
Have there? They always complain.
That's what patients do, isn't it? - Yes.
- What I'm here to do is make a report.
Talk to people, find out what's what.
Nothing to worry about.
Send me a copy when you've finished.
This is an official matter.
I'd appreciate your cooperation.
- I have a job to do.
- So do l.
Ideally, we'd like to resolve this issue without it going to a screening panel.
The practice is clean.
My medical knowledge is current.
Patients with urgent medical needs can consult with me immediately.
I work within budget.
There is no problem here.
That's not for you to decide.
The medical committee will decide whether the GP should have to undergo training or Are you saying that my position is in jeopardy here? I urge you to help me to help you.
Indeed.
I'll get the door.
Very well.
Unfortunately, you leave me with little choice but to set up a review panel to look into your conduct.
You will be required to attend.
- Morning.
- Which way to the choughs? Up at the top of the hill and turn right.
Thanks.
A right's gonna take us over the cliff.
You mean left, don't you? Right.
I had no idea that bird watching was so popular.
Look here.
lf you're gonna take those ghastly twitchers up there, make sure they don't get too close to the choughs.
Right.
But I thought it'd be nice for you to meet like-minded folk.
This way for the Large Tours! We are the best ornithological tour operator in town.
Come and see the amazing birds.
Yeah.
- Oh? - Open it.
Oh! Dinner at your place.
That's romantic.
- Maybe.
- Wait, you're not gonna dump me? - What? - I know the signs.
- No, Pauline, I'm not gonna dump you.
- Of course not.
Why would you? - I'm great.
- See you then.
- Morning, Doc.
- Yeah.
Next patient, please.
I'm next.
It'll be a lot easier if you let me explain.
Take a seat.
Sit down.
Take a seat.
There we are.
He needs lithium.
- 400 milligrams is the usual dosage.
- is it? That's not how it works.
- I'm just trying to save you time.
- I'm not in the habit - of writing prescriptions to save time.
- I'm fine.
I'm here because he is annoyed.
He doesn't want me here, - he didn't want me on this job.
- Jonathan! - Surname? - Crozure, with a Z.
GP's name? I don't know.
I don't remember.
He smells like soup, though.
Trust me, you'll give them to him in the end.
Don't tell me how to be a doctor, I won't tell you how to be an absentee parent.
There's a couple of tests I need you to do before I hand out prescriptions.
Tests? l, uh, don't like tests.
Sadness.
Choose from the following statements one which applies to you.
I do not feel sad, I feel sad much of the time, I feel sad all of the time.
Pessimism.
I see.
You've already taken the rating test for bipolar disorder.
- Who told you that? - Well, I assumed, because you memorised it, that you had a familiarity with it.
Clever.
Good.
- You almost had me there, Doc.
- Mr Crozure, when did you last take your medication? lt's just the smoke detector.
- That's what you think.
- Mr Crozure.
How about you, Doc? Do you ever feel helpless? Do you feel totally helpless, a little helpless, not helpless? Choose from the following statements the one Mr Crozure, be quiet.
Now.
- I'm sorry.
I was making a joke - lt's OK.
Jonathan, it's OK.
lf you don't resume your medication, you could suffer a psychotic breakdown.
Since I got down here, the headaches have been much, much worse.
Could you just, um, write me a prescription, please, doctor? - What's the usual dosage? - Who wants to know? You? Or the giant rabbit? - I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
He gets it.
Sorry.
Four hundred milligrams.
Could you make sure it's the ones without tracking devices? Yes.
A few more minutes.
Sorry for your wait.
Take your time.
We're not in a hurry.
- You know the doctor professionally.
- And personally.
Yes, you see a side of the doctor that I'd like to know about.
Uh, I'm a doctor's friend.
- My! And I'm investigating Dr Ellingham.
- 'Investigating's' a strong word.
- He's not in trouble, is he? - 'Trouble' is another strong word.
- Well Of course.
Anything you wanna know, just ask.
Much appreciated.
Makes my job easier.
You talk to his patients, they talk to you Excuse me.
Dr Ellingham is a wonderful man! Warm, caring, even charming.
We are truly blessed to have such a giant of a man in our small village.
That's my professional opinion.
- I see.
- I'm a scientist, but if anyone has healing hands, it's our doc.
Big hands.
- Big heart.
- Fascinating.
- lt's not quite the impression I have.
- Mr Crozure.
Thank you.
- Doc is a sweetheart.
- Isn't he just? Anyone who says otherwise is a tootie liar.
- Wow! She was a looker.
- Will you shut up! Take one of these.
It'll make you feel a lot better.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you? - I told you not to come! I told you I wanted to collect it myself.
- What part don't you understand? - You're hurting my hand.
lt's just that you never - You never tell me anything.
- You take that pill, I'll tell you.
The boat arrives tomorrow at 12.
When I get the package off it, we'll leave town and head home.
Is that clear enough for you? Good boy.
What are you doing? You shouldn't be exerting yourself.
Shouldn't l, now? Does that mean you're going to pitch in and help here? Um no.
Oh.
The more you rest, the shorter your healing process will be.
I wouldn't need a healing process if someone hadn't sh*t me.
Nobody actually sh*t you, did they? You just got sh*t.
- What am I doing? Right.
- Eggs.
The Colonel is feeling guilty about the whole thing.
Yes, well, he should be.
Oh Entirely his fault.
Shoo.
Shoo! Running around the cliffs with a loaded g*n.
- Paranoid.
- Yes, he is.
But he could have a point there.
He thinks he saw someone on the cliffs the other night - trying to steal eggs.
- Of course he thinks he saw someone.
- The man's a nutcake.
- Terry Glasson is back in town.
- I wouldn't put it past him.
- Louisa's father? - Have you met him? - Yeah, thoroughly disagreeable.
- Does that make him an egg thief? - You haven't heard why he left.
There was an incident involving money for charity that went missing.
- Quite a large amount.
- Must be embarrassing for Louisa.
She didn't believe it.
But he was prosecuted? Um, no.
Oh, I see.
You all must have been so disappointed when they stopped burning witches.
Martin, I caught him red-handed.
He took the money.
- You should have called the police.
- I know.
I couldn't do that to her.
Louisa's the only one you'll find around here who still thinks he's innocent.
That's the funny thing about families.
Loyalty is a step away from delusion.
For an extra fiver, you can travel shotgun up front with me.
Bert.
- Terry Glasson.
- How are ya? - Busy.
- So I see.
Listen, you still got that old dinghy of yours? - What's it got to do with you then? - I'd like to borrow it tomorrow.
You don't borrow, Terry.
You take.
I'll give you 60 quid.
- Seventy.
- No.
Look, I'm not asking you to do me a favour.
I'm giving you money.
Eighty quid, final offer.
- Where'd you get that money from? - Won it on a horse.
Whistling Bow.
Six to one.
No.
And I'll tell you the reason why.
lt's a poor man who steals from his friends.
Look, Bert, I'm giving you 80 quid for two hours on your dinghy.
You're a man of principle.
I respect that.
- You'd be an idiot to turn down this.
- I'm not an idiot.
Take the money.
Good to see you.
I'll drop by at 11 tomorrow.
Right! Best be having you.
Gonna have to hurry you along, Doc.
Not long before I need to, you know, again.
- How are your bowed movements? - Not pleasant.
Not pleasant at all.
Any pain? Hmm.
I'll need to take a stool sample and have it analysed.
Don't envy you on that one.
I'll get you a container.
- Oh.
- And in the meantime, be a good idea to take time off work.
That'd be a fine thing.
I've got a couple hundred pasties to bake for the eating competition.
Biggest earner of the year.
Interested in taking part? I warn you, Bert's won it five years in a row.
No.
Cancel it.
No, Doc.
ln all probability, you have a stomach infection.
Until I find out what, - I don't want you spreading it around.
- lt's a tradition.
The tradition of mass food poisoning and complications that ensue.
Cancel it.
Afternoon, Colonel.
- Which way to the birds? - Wasted journey, I'm afraid, old man.
- What? - Birds have flown the nest, literally.
- You've gotta be joking.
- Probably disturbed by the attention - they've been getting.
- What am I gonna do with customers? With your well-known charm and personality, you'll sort that one out.
Right? Right.
Uh, excuse me.
I've just been informed by my learned co-associate that the birds have, unfortunately, flown away.
But don't worry.
There are plenty more rare bird types for you to do your observations.
We just might have to drive around for a bit until we find them.
Now, if anybody sees a rare bird type, just give me a holler.
ln we get.
Lovely.
There we are.
Now, the next one.
Thank you.
Oh.
You'll be glad to know, no extra charge.
Thanks.
- Louisa.
- Martin.
- Ice cream? - No, hurts my teeth.
Dad always used to take us for ice cream every weekend.
Said that up to the age of six, my arteries were made of ice.
- Sounds fun.
- Mm.
Said you had a bit of difficulty at the surgery yesterday.
- Oh, no, not really.
- He had to force you to give his friend some medication.
I told him that was how you like to welcome new patients.
- lt's not.
There are procedures.
- Blood out of a stone is what he said.
At least I'm not a thief.
Martin, I was just teasing you.
I wouldn't have thought that you, of all people, would join in with gossip.
- I'm not.
- All this time, you keep your distance from everyone.
When you finally decide to show community spirit, it's to join in - with rumours about my father.
- But they're not rumours.
Ask Joan.
She said she caught him red-handed stealing money.
- Louisa - Ah.
You've received your official notification about the review? - Yes, I did.
- I expect I'll see you there.
- Do I have a choice? - Martin.
This isn't personal.
I don't bear any ill will towards you, as I'm sure you don't Take your hand off me, you unctuous platitudinising eunuch.
- You have ice cream - I know! All right.
- How much romance can one girl take? I've never made this marinara sauce before.
Says on the jar 'open and heat up'.
How long you think 'heat up' is? - I don't know.
- Eh? Right, sit down.
Not that one.
The comfy one.
Here.
Here.
Red wine.
Uh - What's that, then? - What's it look like? - Open it.
- Uh OK.
Oh, I can't believe it! I thought, for a second, you got all bodmin and were gonna propose to me.
I'm actually having a heart att*ck.
Oh, but it's just a key.
A lovely, almost shiny key.
- So you will then? - Will I what? - Move in with me.
- Oh.
Can I think about it? But, uh Just gonna Want some, um Want some cheddar on yours? No, thanks.
lt's really sweet of you, Al, but, um I just thought if you moved in then you wouldn't want to leave.
That's all.
lt's not you.
I just don't wanna stay in Portwenn forever.
What's out there that you can't get here? - I just don't wanna end up - What? I can see us moving in, getting married, getting fat, getting old.
You'd be Bert and I'd be Mrs Bert.
We'd never have done anything.
I'll come back.
You could go off if you wanted and it'd be OK with me.
Cheers.
Let's take this down to the beach, lie on our rock and watch the sun set.
We'll stay all night and watch the stars.
- Will there be other stuff? - Maybe.
Well, it could get cold, couldn't it? - I'll keep you warm, AI Large.
- Want to borrow a jumper? Well, since you tidied, I can't find anything.
Um Uh That there, I hadn't got round to posting that yet.
- This is my application.
- Yeah.
I see.
Bye, Al.
Mm! Now, aren't they the best scrambled eggs you've ever tasted? - Well, maybe not the best.
- Dad.
What is it? I haven't forgotten, you know, sitting in the bookmakers' on my tenth birthday with a packet of sweets, you telling me how the next race was gonna be the one that would come in.
- lt was always the next one.
- Louisa.
Dad.
I need to know.
Did you take that money? No, I didn't.
I might be many things.
I'm not a thief.
When one person tells you you're wrong, you can ignore them.
But when it's a whole village, it's hard.
Every day I'd have to ask myself, 'Am I being a fool believing in you?' You know, I know how hard it must have been for you bringing us up - after Mum left.
- lt's nothing to do with your mother! Louisa, that money was for the lifeboats.
Do you really think I'd stoop that low? So Joan Joan never caught you? She never saw you take it? She's lying as well? - Joan, meddling cow.
- How could you? I had gambling debts.
Big debts.
There was this horse, a sure thing.
When it won, I was gonna pay the money back.
- Of course - I meant how could you lie to me all these years? How could you let me make a fool of myself in front of my friends, - in front of the whole village? - I'm sorry.
I think I think you should leave in the morning.
Dad.
- Pauline.
- I have nothing to say to you.
Well, maybe I've got something to say to you.
I'm sorry about the application.
I passed the post box.
I honestly saw it, I just didn't Ah! - Got your finger, didn't l? - Yeah.
Maybe I should come to see the doc.
Right.
Ah! So last night, he only goes and asks me to move in with him.
- What? - AI thought he could blindside me with marinara, didn't he? And he walked right past the post box.
Sorry.
Sorry.
You know, you've got your review panel.
- I know.
I'm on my way.
- Not like you can miss a post box.
lt's big and red.
- Pauline, I'll be back in an hour.
- Yes, sorry.
Yes.
Good luck.
- Jonathan? - Terry! Terry, come here.
Terry, Terry, come here.
I like what you've done with the room.
OK, l, um I think I've worked it all out.
You see, it's all in here.
You haven't been taking medication! Yes, of course I have.
That's why I'm thinking so clearly, Terry.
There's a chip in my head and they're using their chips to connect with it.
Listen, listen.
Shh.
- Hear it? - lt's a dialling tone.
What are you doing? I just need to, um There's someone down here.
And he's transmitting into my head.
Longer I stay here, the worse it gets.
I just need to need to work out who lt's OK, Terry.
I know it isn't you.
Where are you going? - We have to go and meet the boat.
- I'm leaving now.
Oh, OK.
No, good.
Good.
lf you're going out, could you get me a roll of aluminium foil? To put on your head and stop government mind control? I've got some cheese I don't want getting hard.
- Jonathan, we're leaving for London.
- Yeah, of course we are.
- Soon as we meet the boat.
- No! I'm going now! I can't meet the boat on my own.
Then do yourself a favour, please, and come with me now.
- You're lying.
- What? You're lying! You're not going anywhere.
You just don't want me to do the job with you.
Goodbye, Jonathan.
And take your pills, huh? Now, we all know the rules.
Each pasty must be finished before you start the next one.
lf you have to be sick, please use the buckets provided.
While I don't condone betting on such a spiritual contest like this, I will say I'm having a fiver on Bert here.
So on your marks, - get set - Wait! I thought I told you to cancel this.
It's a serious health and safety risk.
- Did you bake these yourself? - Well, yeah.
Whatever your stomach complaint is could be passed on by handling food.
- I can't allow this to happen.
- You can't call the police, can you? There aren't any in town.
I'll have you shut down with a health violation for good.
- My pasties are fine.
- Bert! Put it down.
- But I got money on this.
- So what? Come on.
These pasties here.
Give 'em to me.
He's probably been held up by a patient.
He's very dedicated.
lf Dr Ellingham doesn't feel his attendance is in his best interest, then the board will have no choice but to consider the accusations substantiated.
- Tosser! - That is not funny.
This is potentially contaminated meat.
Honestly, I try and help these people.
Don't know why I bother.
Well, I think we've sat here long enough.
Dr Ellingham has decided to show his contempt for this process.
Can we push this along? Something I have to attend to.
I also have potentially infected processed meat in my hair.
- Dr Ellingham, this review board - I know what a review board is.
Get to the point.
Are you aware that I've spoken to a number of people in the village? They felt that your attitude towards them was a little superior.
Some would go so far as to say condescending.
Others simply settled on rude.
I have a list of incidents cited.
Is there a particular medical problem you wish to discuss? Healthcare is more than that, especially in villages like this.
A doctor needs to go the extra yard to be a part of the community.
All right, you've carried out your investigation, got lots of evidence.
I don't doubt you've reached your conclusion.
Just cut to the chase.
- Fine.
- I'm actually quite surprised by people that you've interviewed about Dr Ellingham.
I mean, Mrs Redtree.
She's always got an axe to grind, you know? Last month, the postman left her gate open.
Practically strung him up for it.
Mr Thornton.
Complaining is his hobby.
He even wanted to ban the seagulls because they made too much noise.
- He's hardly a reliable witness.
- I spoke to a number of people.
Really? And none of them had a good word to say about Dr Ellingham? Well, some, um The chemist, for example.
She was very enthusiastic about him.
Mrs Tishell, yeah.
So you just chose to write down the testimonies of those who enjoy whinging? Miss Glasson, what's your point? Well Even I find Dr Ellingham a little bit frustrating at times.
But I also know that we are very lucky to have him here in the village, and, you know, so do most of these people.
- So my point is - Thank you, Miss Glasson.
Dr Ellingham, there is a recent initiative, a training course focusing on people skills.
- Oh, God! - lt's two weeks, and it will teach you how to relate to your patients as people, not just medical complaints.
After that, I'll return to see how you've taken it on board.
What if I choose not to attend your initiative, Gavin? Well, then I'll recommend you be removed.
lt really is down to you, Dr Ellingham.
Right.
Well, he probably just needs some time to think about it.
Oh.
How'd it go? Went well, then? Come.
Was that really necessary? - No, it wasn't.
- You do realise how serious this is? - Yes, I do.
- Martin, they want to get rid of you.
Don't you even care about that? Look, I know that you've never really fitted in around here.
I know you've never tried and you're not interested in doing so.
I've always tried to understand that about you because Well, that's just you.
That's what you're like.
But I don't even think this is about that.
I think that you deliberately wanted that review to go wrong, and I think you want them to replace you and to send you away from here.
Well, Martin, for what it's worth, I would like you to stay.
So there.
Louisa - Can I help you? - No, no, shh.
- Stop! - Oh! Hi.
Um, we, um - We need to talk.
- Get out.
- Shh! Um - Mr Crozure, you haven't been taking your medication, have you? Of course I haven't.
- Why not? Because Because I know what's going on.
I know you're waiting for me to leave town.
I know that.
I know there's somebody else that is behind all this.
So just I need you to just call your dad for me, please.
'Cause I really need to talk to him.
No, you see, you don't understand.
lf You need to call him, and then he'll come back.
Otherwise, he - lf you could give him a tinkle - Mr Crozure.
Wait outside.
- Just - Wait outside! - Ah! - OK.
No, no, no! Don't do that.
Come back.
That's just upsetting me.
Why? Let her go! Don't think you're supposed to antagonise him.
OK.
Hello? Hello? Daddy! Ah! Louisa? Daddy, your friend's here.
- Jonathan.
- Jonathan.
And, um And, um, he's he's not in a very good mood.
And, um, he would like you to come back here.
- Um, he's got a Kn*fe - No! OK, the boat leaves at 12.
Don't be late.
Good.
OK, sit down.
This one! This one.
All right, Jonathan.
I want you to take a few deep breaths and give me the Kn*fe.
Then I want you to sit down so that I can sedate you and call the police.
Nice.
Why don't you just go over there, get that chair and bring it over here.
Come on.
And you, reception chicky, get me some tying up stuff.
- Surgical tape? - Yeah.
And a gag for him.
Put it down.
Sit down on it.
- I've never done this before.
- I wouldn't have guessed.
Mr Crozure, why don't you stop and consider the consequences.
- Put that clock down.
- Just stop, please.
Listen.
Listen.
Electronic static.
Can you hear it? No.
I think I can.
I don't want anybody to worry, but they've got in here, too.
They'll call a hostage negotiator in soon.
He's getting worse, isn't he? Much, much worse.
Martin, I'm sorry.
You break it, you pay for it.
Martin, just stop annoying the man with the Kn*fe.
Yeah.
Don't trust Terry.
Don't trust Terry.
He's He's nothing but a liar.
Seems to be having a moment of clarity.
Talking about my father, actually.
Um, why would you want him to come back here? What? The boat, the shipment, that's none of your business, OK? - What boat? - Who told you about the boat? Did Terry tell you about the boat? I told you, you can't trust him.
You can't trust him.
This is really interesting to see what goes on in the mind of a mental.
I'm thinking of becoming a psychiatric nurse.
- You'd meet all sorts - Shut up.
- Camplyobacter? - Campylobacter.
- This is code.
- No, it isn't.
lt's a strain of bacteria.
Don't you think it's convenient this comes in now? I'm a doctor.
I tend to get faxes about medical things.
This is about me.
- What does it say? - A local baker has a bacterial infection associated with raw chicken and bird faeces.
- I don't see your name here anywhere.
- You're a liar.
I know you're lying.
Tell me what's really going on here.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Get rid of him.
Get rid of him.
You don't think he might find it suspicious that I'm strapped to a chair? Probably.
I'm with a patient.
Out in a minute.
Ah! Mr Peters.
- How nice to see you again.
- Look, Ellingham, you've forced my hand.
I'm going to recommend your removal.
Fine.
Fine.
Um, send me the relevant papers and I'll be off.
This could have been avoided if you'd agreed to the course.
- I'd love to go on the course.
- Really? Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Count me in.
Well, I'll sign you up then.
- I'm your man.
- lt's two weeks, you know.
- People skills.
- Sounds super.
- I will be checking your attendance.
- Thank you.
- Well, thank you.
- No, thank you.
Lock it! Lock it! Come on! OK.
Sit.
Oh, I'd, um Jonathan, put the Kn*fe down.
- Doc? - Things seem muddled for you now, but you're amongst friends.
- I'll sit down.
- I think that would be a good idea.
Just I keep getting these headaches.
They're burning into me right there.
I got them checked, but it didn't show anything.
Headaches or migraine? I read an article last year about the correlation of migraines - and bipolar disorder.
- I don't know the difference.
All I know is it really, really hurts.
With a migraine, you get blurred vision and nausea.
- Sensitivity to light.
- But is it caused by radio waves being beamed into my head? Hit him! - Jonathan! - Ah! - Ah! - No, uh, I didn't I didn't I didn't do that.
- They made me do it.
- Don't.
You'll sever an artery.
- lt really hurts! - You'll bleed to death.
I'm the worst friend ever.
Just, um, fix him! - Fix him! I'll pay.
- I'm tied to a chair! - All right, sit there.
- Be careful.
- Oh, no, please! - Shh! - Give me something - All right! Be quiet.
Ah! Good.
lt hasn't severed the artery.
You all right? I'm fine.
- Could I have the Kn*fe? - No, you can't.
Fine.
You OK, Louisa? - Fine.
Does it hurt, Dad? lt's a bit sore.
Stop moving your arm.
- Martin! Put that down.
Why are you leaving g*ns lying about? What's the matter? - Shut up.
- Ah! How did you get in? The front door is locked.
- I came in through the kitchen.
- Right.
Well, that makes more sense.
OK.
Twelve.
Twelve.
We need to, um We need to get to the boat at 12.
You're on your own.
What? No, we need to go and get the package.
Jonathan, I'm not going anywhere.
OK.
All right.
I'll go.
Yeah, I'll go, and, um, you need to tell me where to get the boat.
And then I'll go down there No, because then I'll be out there and you'll all be here and you'll just call the police.
OK, we need to get someone else to go and get the boat.
You won't do it.
So, um You.
You can do it.
You're going.
- I can't work a boat.
- He's from London.
Can I point out that you're automatically assuming a woman - isn't up to the job? - Fine.
- You do it.
- I'm probably not strong enough.
Pauline! I know you're in there! Pauline! I know you're in there! I just wanna talk! I don't care how long I have to wait.
You're gonna talk to me.
Come on! - Come on in.
- That's not real, is it? Through there.
Come on! Come on! What's going on? I know.
You can go.
- Go where? - You need to get a boat and pick something up at 12.
I can't get a boat, mate.
I'm just a plumber.
Al, Mr Crozure's suffering a psychotic breakdown.
- What does that mean? - He's mad.
Just do as he says.
Either you do it, or I'll make a colander out of the reception chick.
- What's a colander? - A type of sieve, Al.
lt's bigger than a sieve.
My dad's got a boat.
I wanna go home.
OK, tell him.
Tell him.
Three miles up the coast.
- Nelson's Point.
You know it? - Yeah.
A Spanish trawler about a half a mile from Nelson's Point.
Tell 'em Terry sent you.
Say, Terry me manda, uh, por el paquete.
- All right.
OK.
- Say it.
Terry me manda por el paquete.
No.
lt's Terry me manda por la paquete.
No, it's por el paquete.
Seriously! Tick tock, tick tock! Come on! He'll be all right, won't he? Of course he will.
What is all this about, Dad? Jonathan, will you please take a couple of your pills? What is in the package? - dr*gs.
- Oh, Dad.
You wouldn't wanna be putting this stuff up your nose.
lt isn't dr*gs.
- lt's expl*sives.
- That's much better.
- We're bank robbers.
- lt isn't a bank.
lt's a warehouse.
- lt has a safe in it.
- Doesn't make it a bank.
Wait.
You sent AI to pick up expl*sives.
Oi! Uh, Terry me manda por Uh Terry me manda Terry Glasson sent me.
Ten mucho cuidado.
- Got it.
- Con cuidado.
AlI right, yeah.
Cógelo con cuidado! I don't speak Spanish, mate.
You there! What do you think? Ah! Oh, God.
- Surgery.
- Yeah, it's me.
You got the package? Yeah, I've got it.
Yeah.
Is Pauline OK? Pauline is fine.
Pauline's great.
- Who's Pauline? - Al, careful with the package! Shh.
OK, bring it back here.
Let me speak to the doc.
Someone's been hurt.
No, no.
Bring it back here now.
But someone's fallen off the cliff near Porter's Cove, yeah? For God's sake, bring the bloody package! - Shh.
- Shh! You'll get your package.
Let me speak to the doctor.
All right.
lt's for you.
No, wait.
No funny stuff, OK? No code.
All right, hold on.
- He said someone's fallen off a cliff.
- And? - He says, 'And?' - He can hear me.
Al? I think he's hurt badly, Doc.
- I can't see him moving.
- Call the Coast Guard.
- No Coast Guard.
- No Coast Guard! - Why not? - They'll see the expl*sives.
The doc can go down there.
- I don't know.
- Doctor can treat his patient, and we can get a hold of the package.
Right.
Um, OK.
Plumber boy? We're coming there.
All right, everybody, come on.
Let's go.
We're leaving now.
I said we're leaving! Come on! You deaf? Oh! Just Yeah, Dad, it's me.
No, the flowers didn't work.
Uh, listen, I'm gonna need some help.
- Ted.
- Got one, eh? Be all right now.
Oh, Ted, no.
Oh Ellingham! Ellingham! Quickly! Over here! - The baker fell! - Where is he? That bloody fool, he was trying to steal the eggs! I must say, I expected better of a local man.
Hold on, hold on! - OK, where's plumber boy? - Bloody hell.
That's my g*n! What's going on? Hi.
Name's Jonathan.
OK.
Where are the expl*sives? - What? - How do you know about expl*sives? - Has the baker lost consciousness? - The baker, the Colonel? Do these people have no names? What's going on here? Doc! - Come on.
What is so important about the baker? Come on.
Come on! Down.
Down there.
Down there.
Doc, I think he's having a fit! Push on his head.
He may be haemorrhaging.
Ah! God! This is the baker they sent you the fax about? lt's causing pressure on his brain.
- Something's pressing into his brain? - Yeah.
You've got to get down there, man! No.
- The baker.
He's in charge of this.
Everything has to get coordinated through him.
- All right.
- That's why it's so strong down here.
He's got a transmitter chip in his brain and been using it to send signals into my head.
This chap's absolutely bloody barking.
OK.
We've got to, um We've got to neutralise the transmitter chip - in his brain.
- We need to get some pulley system to get the baker up here.
You're going down! You're gonna go down there and take the transmitter chip out of his head.
Right now.
- Hello! - Doctor.
My lad said you'll be needing this.
Bert, have you got a drill.
Pull tight now! OK, mind your backs.
All right! Hang him out now! Let's do it! All right, Doc? You ready? Keep going! - Let it all out! - Another few feet! That's the end of the cable! Hold on! Go on! Oh, God! Not looking good, Doc.
I think he's on his way out.
- That's your diagnosis, is it? - Yeah.
- OK.
- What's he doing up here, anyway? - Huh? - Stealing chough eggs.
Hold this, Al.
And contracting a bacterial infection from bird faeces.
- He'll be all right, though? His optic nerve is swollen due to the increased intercranial pressure.
Which means that your first diagnosis could well be right.
- Hmm.
- He's not gonna make it.
Unless Wait a minute.
I need to relieve the pressure - on his brain.
- How are you gonna do that? Doc, uh - How do you know if you go far enough? - His eyes will open.
Watch him.
Don't touch his head.
Give me that bag.
- You're kidding, right? - Give it! - Come on! Get off! - Give me that back! - No.
Pauline, call an ambulance.
Tell them to expect a man with an Intercranial bleed treated by emergency trepanation.
Accompanied by a man who needs sectioning under Mental Health Act.
Me? I'll I'll - Al? - Ellingham.
l Look those expl*sives in the boot of my car before somebody gets blown up.
- expl*sives? - Come on.
You carried up a cliff.
- You'll survive a trip to the car.
- I'll take that now.
No, you won't.
Al, lock that up, too.
- Yeah.
- Uh Colonel.
I'm not going to put up with this.
Don't be ridiculous lt's the chip.
Thank you, sir.
The both of them.
Yeah.
That's right.
Yeah.
Thank you.
On their way.
Oh.
Thank you.
Martin, um Yeah.
I should - Action man.
- No.
Yeah, totally.
Climbing up the cliff and all that.
Well, it was quite exciting.
You OK? Yeah.
My shaking stopped.
Don't think I'll be setting foot outside the house again.
Well, Portwenn, anyway.
Not for a while.
I don't know.
You're onto something.
lt's a big world out there.
Well, you know I'll always come back to you, don't you? Huh? I do love you.
I better go.
Dad? Bye.
So, uh, I'm gonna take off then, folks.
Where did you get that bag from? I just got the crowbar from big plumber man's van and pried your car door open.
Thanks for that.
I feel, uh Thanks for your help.
- Give that Give that back.
- No.
- Give it back to me! - Shut up! Excuse me.
02x09 - Christmas Special - On the Edge
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Successful surgeon Dr. Martin Ellingham abruptly leaves his London practice to become general practitioner in the sleepy fishing village of Portwenn, where he spent the holidays during his youth.
Successful surgeon Dr. Martin Ellingham abruptly leaves his London practice to become general practitioner in the sleepy fishing village of Portwenn, where he spent the holidays during his youth.