10x05 - Uncle-ing

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Goldbergs". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"The Goldbergs" is set in the 1980s in Jenkintown, Pennsylvania and shows the reality of the '80s from a young boy's eyes.
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10x05 - Uncle-ing

Post by bunniefuu »

[Adult Adam] Back in

the '80s, audiences loved

the John Candy movie Uncle Buck,

about a ne'er-do-well uncle called

upon to watch his brother's kids.

But nobody loved it more

than me and my brother Barry.

He washed clothes in the microwave

and dried them on the ceiling fan!

He's a menace, and you root for him!

His garbage car is spewing

smoke on the school carpool!

The children are coughing!

They're in harm's way!

Turn that crap off.

My pregnant brain hates

that blathering idiot.

She'd be much obliged if you'd

kindly watch your film elsewhere.

I'm her awfulness-to-politeness

translator.

It's been a full-time job lately.

[Erica] Mom!

What do you need, Schmoopy-Doo?

Let mama bird cater to her life-giving

- baby bird's every need.

- I'm here, too.

You know, for when

my wife needs catering.

How ya feeling, Pumpkin?

Ready to pop that baby

into my waiting arms?

That sounds nothing like

our four-page birth plan.

Right now all I want is for

someone to turn off this dumbness.

How dare you ask us to turn off

John Candy's number-one comedy film

in the subcategory "Babysitting"!

Oh, I love him in that

one movie with the guy.

You know, um, eh, the one with the face.

Uh, Adam knows what I like.

- [sighs] Stripes.

- That's the one!

Oh, he is comedically unhealthy

and shouldn't defend this country.

He's not just hilarious.

He's also teaching us how to be uncles.

The only thing that clumsy oaf

is teaching anyone

is to never leave your kids

alone for a minute.

Why is he feeding beer to a dog?

'Cause he's recklessly hilarious!

No one is safe from his antics.

Do you dopes really think

this is an okay way

for uncles to behave?

With all my heart.-I'd stake your

unborn child on it.

Okay, well, that seals it.

You two will never be allowed

anywhere near our baby.

- Whoa!

- Whoa, indeed!

How do you expect us to

"Uncle Buck" a baby from afar?

I don't want my baby

to be "Uncle Bucked."

Cheggit. He made a pancake so huge,

he's serving it with a shovel.

Breakfast has never been more zany!

Well, that's actually the only

appealing thing about this whole movie.

Geoff, make me that pancake.

Uh, I wish I could, my cranky angel,

but I don't think anyone's ever

made a pancake that large.

[in singsong voice]

Get it while it's hot!

- Didn't even see her leave.

- What in the hell?

She literally bends time!

You're the best, Mama.

Thank God someone sees

to my wants and needs.

Hurtful to the man who was up all night

scratching your unreachables.

I want some of that impossibly

large morning entree.

Me too! Giant flapjack me!

Mama! Geoff! Circle the wagons!

Protect my cake!

Unh! Ow! Ow!

I'm twisted up inside ♪

But nonetheless,

I feel the need to say ♪

I don't know the future ♪

But the past keeps getting

clearer every day ♪

[Adult Adam] It was October

19th, 1980-something,

and life for our family

was about to change forever.

- It's time! Go! Go! Go!

- Gah!

It's 3:00 a.m.! What the hell?

Your water broke! You're having a baby!

I should put on pants!

There's no time. Is that a nightgown?!

It's a floor-length sleep shirt!

I have sleepy-time heat issues!

Get your sweats, your comfy shoes,

take this framed photo of me

for bedside inspiration.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Wait. How did you know my water broke?

Uh, I heard it from my bedroom.

It was like a rolling, gushing sound

like, uh like the waves

on the North Shore of Hawaii.

Okay, I'll never know the

mysteries of the female body,

but wouldn't Erica be aware

of her water breaking?

Enough chit-chat! We're wasting

valuable seconds, people!

Is this another one

of your stupid drills?

Fine. It is a drill,

and you both failed miserably.

Had this been the real thing,

we wouldn't have even made it

to the hospital.

I'd be yanking a baby out of my daughter

on the front lawn of the Kremps' house.

What a haunting suburban tableau.

Mom, enough with the drills.

Well, it's important to be prepared.

Hopefully you'll do better next time.

Don't let there be a next time!

You're right. No more drills.

[chuckles]

So don't expect one.

[door closes]-I can't go back to sleep.

My heart is still pounding.

You know what I want, Geoff?

What, Schmoo?

- I said "Geoff"!

- She said "Geoff"!

Sorry! I thought you said "Bev"!

Okay, just let me know

if you need me, all right?

I mean, of course, you need me,

but I am talking about, you

know, in the immediate sense.

Just checking in on needing me.

Huh? No? Okay. Here I go.

Okay. Well, what I want is to

get my giant body in water.

Okay. So should I run a bath?

You mean the one

that we share with Barry

and all of his body hair?

So, like, the pool

at the Jewish Community Center?

I don't want to swim where a

rabbi's wife teaches water aerobics.

I want a baby moon.

We still have three weeks.

Take me away somewhere I

can float and feel weightless.

Your wish is my command.

Although it may be hard to find a place

to float in Philadelphia in the fall,

so is there by chance

a backup wish/command?

Just make it happen.

On it, my surly dove.

Whatever you do, promise me that

[softly] she is nowhere near us.

Well, it is famously not easy

to get away from your mom.

Mom what? I heard "Mom."

- Gah!

- Go!

Fun mistake. Okay.

I'll just wait right outside this door

for the inevitable calling of my name.

[chuckles]

[Adult Adam] As Erica desperately

wanted to dodge my mom,

Barry and I went straight to his friends

for some uncle-ing advice.

JTP but not lame Adam.

[all] JTP but not lame Adam.

Hard to not feel deeply wounded,

but nice to see you, fellas.

No pleasantries!

- The JTP's time is too valuable.

- Not really.

You called me away from a mixer

with upper management.

Because it is important, Matthew.

Our sister said we would be

"garbage uncles"

and we won't be allowed near her baby.

We have three weeks to figure out

how not to suck at uncle-ing.

- Why us?

- It seems intuitive.

For this, I basically handed

the Head of Regional Sales job

over to Lydia?

Well, you're here now,

so let's start with, "What is an uncle?"

- The husband of an aunt.

- Mother's brother.

A cousin's male parent.

- Your half-sister's stepdad.

- A father's brother.

Your dad's friend

who doesn't have his own kids.

And famous uncles?

Uncle Vanya, the titular

character from the Chekhov play.

Only word I heard is "titular."

[chuckles] Next.

Scrooge McDuck. Hah!

All that money,

and he couldn't fine peace.

A personal hero.

But I hate feathers. Next!

Uncle! Like when you tap out

and stop trying to

think of famous uncles.

Wow! All truly terrible examples.

You're no longer leading

this crucial meeting, Adam.

I wasn't sure why we were here

until now, so that's fine.

JTP, tell us how to become good uncles.

My Uncle Phil calls me cool nicknames

like "Sport," "Champ," and "Superstar."

It's possible he doesn't know my name.

My uncle let me drive

his car. Oh, that's fun.

Like, when you were 15 or something?

No. No. Recently.

Uh, I think his license is suspended

and I just taxied him around.

Keep it coming, guys.

There are no bad ideas.

I know. Why don't we go

to the park, right?

And use candy to lure children

into Matt Bradley's van

so we can practice uncle-ing on them?

When I said "no bad ideas,"

clearly I was off by one.

What if you practice on Andy?

He's the side of an average baby.

[groans] Come on, man.

Maybe you guys are over thinking this.

My brain's pretty jacked, so

that happens a lot. Continue.

Erica is going to be an anxious

mother with a newborn.

She might just want you

to be responsible adults

who are always there for her.

Matt Bradley, please stop punishing us

with your nonsense.

Look, don't you guys have an uncle?

We do, and he's a real piece of work.

[Adult Adam] I was talking

about our Uncle Marvin.

He was just as much of an unpredictable

loose cannon as Uncle Buck.

- [both chuckle]

- He's the worst.

Can't do anything right.

There's your answer.

Why don't you just do

the opposite of what

your uncle would do?

I guess that could maybe work.

[Adult Adam]

And so we sort of had a plan.

Which was to learn

at the feet of the master

how not to be an uncle.

Hey! My nephs came to visit!

Wait a minute. How did you find me?

Your address was on the

"if any left over" section

of our mom's holiday-card list.

Aww. Well, that's not nothing.

Is that the truck from "The Fall Guy"

in your depressing carport?

Yeah, it's the official

show-sanctioned replica.

No way. That truck

is TV-vehicle royalty.

Big-time, and now it's mine,

pending payment of outstanding DMV fees.

Enter. My house is your house.

But it also might not be my house.

The stupid city doesn't

consider it a legal dwelling.

Man! Am I glad to see you boys.

You know, ever since your dad left us,

I've been trying to think of ways

that I could be more involved

in your lives.

What about ever visiting or calling?

Ohh! Monday morning quarterback.

Look who's got all the answers now.

Here's the thing.

Erica's baby is due in three weeks,

and we need to learn

how to be good uncles.

Oh, my God. I am beyond touched.

You want the Uncle Marvin playbook.

Sure. Let's say it that way.

Celebratory sodas all around!

[Adult Adam] While we

had come to the right place,

the same couldn't be said

for Geoff and Erica.

Here we are, my swollen princess.

It's so steamy and damp. Where are we?

You're at Tubs of Love,

where consenting adults come

to do whatever they want.

[clicks tongue] Why did he wink?

Geoff, I need so many answers.

Well, you said you wanted

to float in water

without your mother.

So I made both those wishes come true.

Good sir, where do we change?

Changing rooms are back there,

but just so you know, we are

a clothing-optional resort.

Resort? All I see are a bunch

of skanky hot tubs

with couples in them.

No, that guy's there by himself.

Correction his tub-mate

just surfaced.

And so few people opted for clothing.

Geoff, how did you find this place?

In the Yellow Pages, under "Indoor

Water-Themed Adult Experiences."

Our rate is 20 bucks an hour

or 30 for a themed tub like

"Desert Oasis" or "When in Rome."

Ooh! "When in Rome"

sounds fun. Shall we?

Ew. No, we shan't.

Geoff, pregnant ladies

can't even go in hot tubs.

This was a giant swing and a miss.

Oh, dear Lord, there are

three people in that tub.

Yeah, they fit up to eight

open-minded and slippery bodies.

I'm gonna make something very clear.

I want to go home, never come back here,

and somehow surgically remove

the part of my brain

where the memory

of this place is stored.

Thank you for your hospitality.

We'll be leaving now.

- Tell your friends!

- Seems unlikely.

Ohh no.

What is it, my grumpy peach?

Are you hungry?

- I think my water just broke.

- Are you sure?

I mean, the floor

is already covered in

I don't really want to know.

Yes, I'm sure, Geoff! It's happening!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[Adult Adam] It was happening.

My sister was going to have a baby,

just nowhere near the hospital

where she and Geoff had planned.

Okay. The doctor's on his way in.

Oh, we don't need the doctor.

We just need to get to our own hospital.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

[chuckles]

Dudes! We're having a baby! Up top!

Left a bro hangin'. Not cool.

Um, why is the doctor wearing

Air Jordans and a Swatch?

Did our baby somehow sneak

out of me and throw a lab coat on?

Good one! I'm Dr. Schiff,

but everyone calls me Scotty.

Or Schiffy. Or Scoot.

Or the occasional Dr. Butthead.

Yeah, I can see that for you.

Sorry. You just look very

Young? Yeah, I get that a lot.

But rest assured I'm a professional.

Okay. Let's have a looky.

Whoa! You are wicked dilating.

Scooty Scoot,

could you give us a minute?

Totally.

I'll just go crush a quick round

of "Centipede" in the break room.

I cannot have Doogie Howser's

younger brother

- deliver our baby!

- Okay, I'll go find another doctor

who might be more unlike a child.

And also I need my mom.

Ooh, here's the thing about that.

Why is there a thing about that?

Remember when you told me

to plan this baby moon

and you didn't want her

to be a part of it?

I did something to ensure

that she wouldn't be around.

Oh, Geoff, so help me,

if you k*lled my mom

No, but I may have indicated that

we were going to the beach house.

You sent her an hour

in the other direction?

Possibly. And also yes.

- Get her here! Now!

- On it, my demanding flower.

[Adult Adam] Geoff's mission was

clear get my mom to the hospital,

- no matter how far away she was.

- [phone rings, beeps]

- Hello, Geoffrey.

- How'd you know it was me?

Who else knows I'm here?

Listen. Mrs. G, I can explain.

No need to explain. You didn't

want me crashing your baby moon,

so you told me it was here

at the beach house.

I'm so sorry, but in my defense,

doesn't the fact that you went there

to crash our baby moon vindicate me?

The [bleep] it does, Geoffrey!

My daughter is about to

give life in three weeks.

I want to be with her.

About that. Um, Erica's in labor!

What? I know. Yay.

Also, we're in the one-doctor

town of New Hope.

Well, that's two

[bleep] hours from here!

Again with the salty language.

But if you leave now,

maybe you can make it.

She's crossing her legs,

so you never know.

That's a great idea, but,

uh, when I first got here,

I was so hurt by what you'd done to me

that I drank an entire bottle of Chablis

that my neighbor had carelessly

left in her garage fridge.

- Oh, no!

- You drove me to the bottle, Geoff!

Okay. I'll send Barry and Adam

to pick you up. Just sit tight.

To be clear, when I finally do see you,

you and I have some

very unfinished business.

That's the scariest kind of business!

[Adult Adam] As my mom

was gonna teach Geoff a lesson,

Opposite Uncle School was in session.

Compadres, I am going to teach you

how to be the greatest

uncles in the world.

Are you ready?

- Hell yes!

- You know it!

I gotta check out

these scratchers first.

Lesson number one

Uncle-ing happens on your time.

"On our time." Got it.

Damn it! I was three cherries

away, man! Three!

[Adult Adam] Yep, we were

about to learn everything not to do.

Think about it.

The kid's parents aren't gonna

bail on him for holidays and birthdays,

so it leaves the door wide open

for you to bail on them.

"Bail on significant life events."

Another important function of the uncle

is to provide a loophole

around the "legal drinking age."

"Play fast and loose

with our nation's laws."

Where's the queen? Where's the queen?

Where can it be? Where can the queen be?

Is it over here? Can the queen be here?

The queen is here. Is it here?

Where's the queen?

I'm so convinced she's on the left,

I will up my bet to $20.

- Ooh, wrong again.

- Damn it!

That was my textbook money!

Now it's my chicken-fried

steak money. Ba-bam!

"Swindle children without remorse."

Most uncle-ing happens

around the margins.

[sniffs] Baby's first

R-rated movie? [fingers snap]

That's where you come in.

Baby needs a diaper change?

[fingers snap]

That's where you go out.

You getting all this?

"Be the worst." Got it.

Okay, let's recap.

If the kid's birthday is April 10th,

when should your card arrive?

- Never.

- Cards are a gateway to gifts.

And now you know all

the knowledge known to man.

Why does your notepad say "opposite"?

Uh

Uh

Uh

"Never do the following."

Geez, Bar! You could have been

a bit more savvy with your note-taking.

Did you two come here

to learn how not to be uncles?

Uncle Marvin, it's nothing personal.

We think you're the greatest.

You're super fun,

like our own Uncle Buck.

Except, you know, not exactly a model

of reliability and follow-through.

So I'm a joke. A dope. A screw-up.

See? He gets it.

[telephone rings]

Can I call you back?

I gotta pull this Kn*fe from my chest.

Huh? Y-Yeah.

Hold on. It's for you. Sounds

like someone real sweaty.

Geoff?

Oh, thank God!

The JTP said you were there

getting "opposite uncle lessons"?

Don't explain.

Your sister's having a baby.

You need to get your mom.

She drank too much ice wine

at the beach house.

The New Hope hospital.

- New Hope. Got it!

- [receiver hangs up]

We gotta jam. Erica's having a baby.

Congrats! Oh, wow.

That sounds like something

that I might kinda

want to be a part of.

But only on your own time.

Yeah. No obligations, right?

See you whenever.

[Adult Adam]

As we were off to get our mom,

Geoff finally had everything

under control.

Barry and Adam are on their way

to get your mom

and bring her here,

and I talked to Scotty.

Turns out he just took over the practice

from his recently retired father,

so I had him ask his dad to come in.

- Oh, phew.

- Greetings!

You must be, uh, Greta and Eric?

Uh, it's Geoff and Erica. She's Erica.

Confound it.

Where did I put my bifocals?

- That's Scotty's father?

- [door closes]

Was it, like, a second marriage?

Isn't there a generation

in between? Or two even?

I don't know their family history.

I'm learning in real time

that they represent the

extremes of the age spectrum.

I want my mom. I want my mom now!

She's coming, but in the meantime,

I found some other comforting adults.

Mazel tov!

We couldn't be more excited!

Absolutely not.

But they're my parents.

And I'm a man of medicine.

You work on eyes!

Go help our blind doctor!

- We'll be in the waiting room.

- She's very scary!

[Adult Adam] While storm clouds

were brewing over the delivery room,

Barry and I were driving our mom

through some pretty steady rain.

Thank you, boys, for picking me up.

Of course, Mama. Nothing could stop us

from getting you to that hospital.

[engine revs]

What the

Damn it! We're stuck in mud!

- [horn honks]

- Dirt's wet cousin!

[crying] No!

Okay, this is lightly on me for

saying nothing could stop us.

[Adult Adam] Erica's baby

was coming any minute,

but we weren't going anywhere,

so Barry swung into action.

My Lou Ferrigno-like strength

will get us out of this mess!

Hit it, Adam, and I'll push!

One! Two!

Three!

[engine revs]

Oh, no.

My contemporary stylish pants!

And we're deeper in.

Get over. Get over. Ugh!

Well, thank you for trying, boys.

You did good. Unlike Geoffrey.

Oh, don't be so hard on him, Mama.

Yeah, that nervous nerd means well.

Oh, I will be plenty hard on him.

He made me miss the birth

of my grandchild

and future best friend!

[Adult Adam] Yeah, all hope

was lost, and then this happened.

- [brakes squeal]

- Oh, no!

It's an unsophisticated rural type!

He'll know we're not from these parts

and make quick work of us city folk!

What Duck down!

Ow! I'm not limber enough!

Damn my careless attitude

towards exercise!

Adam, Adam, tempt him

with your soft eyes

so I can hit him with my shoes, okay?

No, I won't be your hillbilly bait.

Adam, just befriend

the country gentleman

so your brother can

sucker-punch him with his footwear!

It wasn't a good plan, but

fortunately, we didn't need it.

- Marvin?

- How's it going?

- What are you doing here?

- I'm rescuing my family.

Was I cool? It sounded cool.

[laughs] Let's ride!

We got a baby to meet!

Hah! That was really fun to say.

You saved us, Uncle Marvin!

I know. I'm trying to be a better uncle.

How about I go to the hospital

with you guys?

- We'd love that!

- For sure!

[Adult Adam] Sure, he may have

been a screw-up like Uncle Buck,

but that night, Uncle Marvin was a hero,

and not a moment too soon.

- Oh, God, it hurts!

- I'm so sorry, my love.

I would take all the pain if I could.

I wish you could, too. All of it!

- Erica, it's time.

- Time?

Oh, you mean the thing that

you don't have much left of?

Sorry. The pain and my failures

have made my lady-love very direct.

She's here!

You may have this baby now.

Mom!

Beverly Goldberg. Mama of the mama.

Babe, you did it. Thank you.

I love you so much.

Doctor, if you need help,

I'm almost a doctor.

I'm not at all a doctor,

and I just accidentally

saw some stuff,

so I'm gonna wait outside.

You all need to wait outside,

except for the husband!

And her. She stays, too.

[Adult Adam] Despite being stuck

hours away in the pouring rain,

we'd pulled off a miracle.

Sure, she wasn't thrilled with Geoff,

but in that moment,

all my mom could think about

was that her baby

was about to have a baby.

Oh, thinkin' about our younger years ♪

There was only you and me ♪

We were young and wild and free ♪

Now nothing

can take you away from me ♪

We've been down that road before ♪

But that's over now ♪

You keep me comin' back for more ♪

Baby, you're all that I want ♪

When you're lyin' here in my arms ♪

I'm findin' it hard to believe ♪

We're in heaven ♪

And love is all that I need ♪

And I found it there

in your heart ♪

[Dr. Schiff] Here we go. And push.

It isn't too hard to see ♪

[groaning] -♪We're in heaven ♪

[Adult Adam]

And just like that, the person

we had all been waiting for

finally arrived.

It's a girl.

That day, the world welcomed

a new Goldberg.

Everyone, meet Muriel Allison

Goldberg Schwartz.

Muriel, after Murray.

Is Allison for Albert?

You know it.

Pops would be so proud.

[Adult Adam] Yeah, in a year

filled with too many goodbyes,

this was a hello

that brought us all together,

even those of us no longer here.

'Cause nothing fills you with hope

more than a brand-new baby.

Mrs. G, I-I need to apologize.

[gasps] Geoffrey,

you shut your sweet mouth.

After what you've given me today,

you don't ever need to

apologize to me again.

It isn't too hard to see ♪

Oh, so beautiful.

Perfection. Sheer perfection.

[Adult Adam] She really was.

Muriel changed all our lives that day.

You dopes want to hold your niece?

- Seriously?

- Could we?

[Adult Adam]

I'd never held a baby before.

I couldn't believe how tiny

and warm and sweet she felt

and how I could immediately

love someone I just met.

I know what I said before,

but you two are

going to be amazing uncles.

How could we not?

We learned from the best.

I do what I can.

[Adult Adam] Yeah, our family

had gone through a lot that year,

but that's the amazing thing about life.

Just when you think things

will never be okay again,

here comes a miracle

that proves you way wrong.

I'm a bubbe!

And that is pretty damn awesome.

I think we all can agree that

Uncle Buck did one thing right,

and that's the giant pancake.

- Big is beautiful.

- He wasted so much food!

But why stop there, when

there are so many other meals

that we can enlarge to their

atomic breaking point?

Let us begin!

Behold the McMarvin quarter tonner!

- I don't know where to put my mouth.

- I do.

I always do.

Two gallons of Rocky Road

carefully molded

into a single scoop

of creamy deliciousness.

Sorry, belly, you're in trouble.

Nuts and marshmallows for days!

Meatballs!

Oh, yeah. Get the sauce.

- Mmm.

- Should the middle be this pink?

Or this cold?

Bigger is not better.

Movies have failed us!

Ohh!
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