04x01 - Better the Devil

[bunniefuu]

Marti.

I made two.

I thought of you.

Oh.

Get down.

Get down.

What's that? It's a dog and it's with me.

Why? Well, you remember by neighbour Sam? No.

No, well it doesn't matter because he's dead.

Someone had to take care of Buddy so here we are.

What were you doing in there? Er nothing.

Come on, call it, call it.

It's gone in there.

It's just a dog, Martin.

Come on, Buddy.

He's good company.

He's like that stray that used to follow you around.

I do not wish to have my home and practice polluted by microcontaminants.

What has he got there? Well, that's not the point, is it? It's clearly not his.

All right, all right.

Come on, Buddy.

I think we've outstayed our welcome.

Yes, I think you have.

And thank you for the pie.

Enjoy.

It's pitch dark, you can't relax cos you know It's going to start again, you just don't know when.

I had a sheep that snored.

It's the silence that kills you.

Pauline, have you collected myr anti-microbial soap from Mrs Tishell?r No, I haven't.

I overslept.

I couldn't sleep, could I? My brother's been kicked out of the army.

Who's my next patient? That'd be me, Doc.

For, get this, snoring too loud.

So what does he do? He sleeps on our sofa and keeps us awake all night with the (snores) Where are his notes? Come through.

She didn't sleep very well, Doc.

I think there's something suspicious going on down here, Doc.

This mole just appeared from nowhere.

Has it changed shape? Nope.

It's not inflamed or raised.

Does it bleed or itch? Of course not.

But it just feels suspicious.

No.

Are you positive, Doc? Yes.

Well.

oh, Doc, there just was one other thing that I wanted to discuss with you.

Yes.

Well.

oh, Doc, there just was one other thing that I wanted to discuss with you.

I've got this feeling.

A suspicious feeling? No, no.

It's more like when you're travelling by train.

I see.

Well, you got your newspaper and you got your tea.

But you just can't settle because you're not where you want to be yet.

Do you have any chest pain, dizziness or nausea? Then pull up your trousers and go away.

No, Doc, Doc, Doc, just bear me out, right? There's something wrong.

It's like a piece missing.

in matters of the heart, Doc, you know what I'm talking about.

Except you know what piece is missing.

I'm with a patient.

I know.

You don't interrupt me when I'm with a patient.

I know.

Then you'll also know to turn around, walk away and close the door.

Fine.

We'll just let her bleed to death then, save you the trip.

What? There's an emergency at the school.

Would you like to know why? Would you? Would I what? This is why we don't run in corridors.

I want my pencil back.

there could be brain damage.

It hasn't gone into the brain.

You can't see anything from over here.

It's my favourite pencil.

Parents sue for this sort of thing.

What are you doing? Why don't you do something? I'm assessing.

Don't move.

Don't break it.

All right.

Will it need stitches? I don't think so.

Hold that.

Thank you.

Ow! Miss.

Miss.

Erm Thank you.

Here's your soap, Dr Ellingham.

I was reading a fascinating article about pica.

That's when people have a compulsion to eat dirt, paper and other things they shouldn't Ooh, sorry, you know that, of course, don't you? Sorry.

Half-baked sensationalism.

a box of gloves, please.

Well, that's exactly what I thought, half-baked sensationalism.

I'll be heading out now.

Pay the papers, take the bottles for recycling.

Oh! I'll put the lottery on.

Well, you never know.

This is Clive My husband.

Oh.

I'd assumed he was dead.

No, he is here.

He works on the rigs.

He's a safety officer.

Safety officer, on the rigs.

Not for too much longer, though.

This is Doctor Ellingham.

Sal talks about you all the time.

not all the time.

Anything I should be worried about? Clive.

Clive.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Heavy machinery pounds away 24/7.

Desrtoys your ears.

Poor me, eh? But very soon there'll be sending me back home to the wife on disability.

Clive, could you Sorry.

But I really I'm really looking forward to coming back home to the wife.

Lidocaine.

One or two percent, Doctor? Two.

Thank you.

Won't be long.

Clive's only here for a couple of weeks Doctor.

Ah, how sweet.

Don't k*ll that one too.

Go on.

Go away.

Get! Go on.

Get out! Get off! Go on then, get out.

Get out! Get out! Buddy! Where was he? Making a flea-ridden nuisance of himself in my surgery.

He ran all that way? He must be really fond of you.

It's a dog.

It eats, it smells.

Some of my best friends are dogs.

You have my sympathy.

This is an old friend of mine.

Barbara Collingsworth.

This is Martin Ellingham my nephew.

Quite good timing that you're here.

I was going to make an appointment to come and see you.

I've got this pain.

Call my receptionist.

Get that creature out of my car.

Come on, Buddy.

Come on.

Good boy! Come on, Buddy.

Now be a good boy.

Let me take a run at him, Joanie.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Communication, understanding.

That's all it is, really.

Barbara is a behavioural therapist.

Fascinating.

Goodbye.

Perhaps she could help with your little problem.

Martin has a phobia of blood.

Why don't you find another complete stranger and tell them all about my childhood bed-wetting? Well, 12 is hardly childhood, Martin.

It might be worth a try.

I don't wanna bang my own trumpet but I do get quite speedy results.

Only yesterday I had this bitch who proved to be very stubborn but I soon sorted her out.

You're a dog trainer? Dog psychologist.

It's all the same, really, simply a matter or rewiring the brain.

Or analyse its unhappy childhood.

I am taking you down, Large.

I don't think so.

Put your money where your mouth is then.

I don't think so.

Put your money where your mouth is then.

I'm all in.

Almost a whole matchbox there.

Welcome to the big time.

Why don't I sweeten the pot? Bloody hell.

You'd give me this restaurant? Result.

Not the restaurant, Pauline.

It's just a way of saying if you fancied it, you could move into the flat.

Oh.

Oh.

What have you got, then? Er, a pair of eights.

Oh, beats mine.

Yeah? Yeah.

Never mind, eh? Oh.

Maybe some other time.

What's in the bag, Doc? Why don't you look where you're going? I'm going to the recycling.

Why do you ask? Mr Tishell! Mr Tishell! Call an ambulance.

What? Call an amb - Oh, don't worry.

She's in shock.

Lucid but no apparent fractures.

Come on.

Now make sure that's nice and snug.

We've done this before, Dr Ellingham.

Did she attempt to alert you to the danger? No warning.

Just came down the hill and went flying.

Could have rung a bell at least.

Hit the ground.

Splat.

Put,"Splat!" Do you mind? Ow! Oh, that looks painful.

Ooh, nasty.

That's your medical opinion, is it? You better come with us.

I'm fine.

That's gonna need stitches.

Are you gonna do 'em yourself? Yes.

No.

It's a simple, uninterrupted suture, yes? Yes.

not too tight, Don't want to cut off the blood supply.

Do you want to finish this yourself? Doc? I just wanted to thank you.

I didn't do anything.

Have they tested your reflexes? I think so.

Slight percussion but everything's hunky dory.

If you'd reacted faster, that accident could have been avoided.

You look flushed.

Are you hot? Yeah, a little.

My stomach's hurting again.

Again? Well, like I said before, i was gonna come and see you cos I'm - Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Woman here is suffering acute abdominal pain.

Who are you? I'm her GP.

Get me a surgical specialist now.

Immediately now.

What is it? I'm not sure.

That's why I need to get you seen.

Is that all right? Ellingham.

Edith.

Bad pasty? Something like that.

What are you doing in Truro? Well, I was going to examine my patient but let's have a catch-up instead.

Nurse said your GP reported you were experiencing abdominal pain.

Where is he? I'm here.

Right.

Does it hurt when you cough? on a scale of one to ten, how does it feel when I press? How long has she How long is it now? 16? We've been married 18 years.

Don't seem that long, do it? Suppose it's still the honeymoon period.

Eh, Sal? There you are.

All combs sorted according to colour.

Good.

Sal, how about we put up the r "Back in 5 minutes" sign? Oh, Dr Ellingham.

You could have caused a serious accident yesterday afternoon.

Like I told PC Penhale it wasn't my fault.

You are irresponsible and a danger to the public.

You can't talk to me like that! Have you had your ears examined? No.

There's no point.

Then you need to call my receptionist and make an appointment before you cause any more accidents.

No! Yes! Please, Clive! There's no need! I am trying to help you! I don't need help! The very fact that we are all shouting surely proves that you do! I'm never going to sleep again.

They shouldn't have kicked him out of the army for snoring.

They should have kept him in and used him as a w*apon of mass destruction.

Dr Ellingham, please.

He's with a patient.

I'll see him next.

Oh, so you're Chipping Miller the crab man.

What? You don't have an appointment.

I'm Dr Montgomery.

I'm Pauline the receptionist.

He'll see me.

No, he won't.

Unbelievable.

There really is no way of knowing.

Perhaps weeks, if she's one of the lucky ones.

You hear about this but you never think it's gonna happen to you.

It's headlice, woman, not leukaemia.

Stop that.

All right, that'll do.

We're finished.

Grace, come on.

No, no, no.

no! Come on! Pauline, control this child.

Who let that dog in here? Where's my aunt? This woman thinks she's gonna see you.

I see you're busy so I won't take long.

It's nice.

Do they pay you in chickens? Are you just passing? Collingsworth woman.

abdominal pressure and pelvic pain.

The picture showed a mass in there.

She has a cyst.

It's been a while.

I see you still like your practical footwear.

What were you doing in Truro? One day a week common obstetrics.

Gathering data.

I run a private fertility clinic next door.

Married? Not long enough for there to be any permanent damage.

You? No.

Isn't it customary to write a letter outlining your diagnosis rather than reporting in person? Then I wouldn't have been able to poke around in your underwear drawer.

I heard whispers of a surgeon with haemophobia.

Did you? How are you finding general practice? Busy.

Right.

Have you lost your edge, Ellingham? Are you trying to diagnose me? I don't have to, do I? Catch of the day is sea bream.

The soup is leek and potato.

The vegetarian option is .

.

also leek and potato.

It's a big day for leeks and potatoes.

I'll take your drinks order in a matter of moments.

Here I am You just made me add on 58.

I'm a waiter in a restaurant I used to own.

You still own it.

Ten percent is not much to show for a lifetime.

You know what, boy, I need more.

Dad, we've had this discussion, right.

We've got a contract.

Ten percent is what we agreed.

No.

I need some of that companionship.

That's what's missing.

Some closeness.

Oh.

Well, erm, you've always got me.

More like what you've got with Pauline, if you know what I mean.

Oh.

It's been so long I've forgotten what a woman smells like.

All right, Dad.

You know, the tender touch.

Do you know any women, like, for me? What? Your age? I know it's a long sh*t.

Why don't you give Caitlin the napkin lady a ring? Caitlin? Mm.

She's single, she's your age.

I mean she even laughs at your jokes.

There's not many of them out there.

Oh, I dunno.

I'm not sure she's my type.

Martin.

Chris.

What happened there? Nothing.

So who's complained about me now? Look, can't I just drop in on an old mate? Was it Mr Turnbull or Mrs Felcher? Mr Walton.

Oh.

He says you called him a mentally deficient parasite.

He is a mentally deficient parasite.

Fair enough.

The man complains about every little thing.

right, I've spoken to you.

Complaint dealt with at chief executive level.

Job done.

So, how have you been? Consultations are up five percent.

How have you been? Erm, I suppose things are all right.

Could be better.

Yes? Well, since you ask I'm beginning to think that perhaps my time here is at an end.

You mean you want to move practices? No.

I'm thinking of going back into surgery.

And you're ready? I mean, your problem I'm working on it.

Do you want me to see what's out there? Yes.

Yes, I do.

Oh, Doc.

I'm glad I caught you.

And your shadow.

You should be in hospital.

I have surgery tomorrow morning.

Feeling a bit under the weather but otherwise ok.

they let me pop home for a few bits and pieces.

Erm Dr Montgomery.

Er, she's obviously very good at her job.

Yes, she is.

but she's not very generous with information.

I see.

I just don't get what's going on.

There's nothing to get.

It's a logical progression.

You had the MRI, it showed a mass in your abdomen, you had the CT scan that confirmed a cyst, And now she's going to operate.

it's straightforward.

Er, no.

I don't think so.

You don't think so what? I don't think they did all those things.

Of course they did.

It's a standard procedure.

It's how other conditions are ruled out.

PC scan, they didn't do that.

Yes, they did.

Big machine with the rotating thing? I mean, I'd remember something like that.

There was no CT scan? I don't mean tor be annoying.

I'm sure It's notr important but I You can't help being annoying.

Yes, it is important.

Right, it is, yeah.

Right.

Do you have her number with you? Yeah.

Yeah.

Montgomery.

'You didn't order a CT scan on Barbara Collingsworth.

' Correct 'You should have.

' I think not.

So how did you rule out diverticulitis? Women's intuition? 'Experience.

' It doesn't necessarily have to be a cyst.

Mind your own business.

this isn't your case.

It could be a diverticular mass easily treatable with antibiotics.

I'm afraid you've lost me with all those long words.

Your diagnosis is premature.

Stick to the sore throats and the diarrhoea.

Leave the surgery to the grown-ups.

Erm, it appears we assess the situation differently.

Goodbye.

If my brother doesn't leave soon, I'm going to m*rder him.

I'll probably fall asleep halfway through, though.

Dad looks like he's having a good time.

He had to phone her three times before he plucked up the courage to ask her.

Ah, sweet.

Mm.

We've got napkins for the next five years now but at least he's got a date, eh? Pauline.

Mm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Write it down and i'll read it when I wake up.

I'm going home.

Bed.

The final frontier.

It must be very exciting owning a restaurant.

Well, I only sort of own it, I'm letting the boy have a cr*ck.

Still, it's very flash.

You've got lovely eyes, if you don't mind my saying.

And they like what they see.

So, do you want to move on? Sunsets are lovely this time of year.

I mean, we could go and have a walk along the cliff.

I'm too tired for a walk.

Maybe more of a lie down.

Well, of course, if you're tired we could always call it a night I mean, a lie down together.

Why don't we freshen up our drinks first? What could be better? You me and the sea.

We'll have an eternity of time together just you and me.

I think you really should see Dr Ellingham.

Sal, this is my lot in life.

I can deal with it.

Yes, but - Sal, be happy.

Your husband's coming home.

Same again? Oh, just an orange juice.

Orange juice.

Come again? BrandyI I'll have a double brandy! Aye.

What the hell? I could have k*lled you with my bare hands.

I'm a deadly w*apon.

I can't take it any more! Buy some ear plugs! Move out! Mum said I can stay as long as I wanted.

You move out.

Next time i'll finish the job for good.

I'll be waiting.

You'll be snoring.

Shut the door when you leave.

Sorry, Doc.

You're late.

I know.

I overslept because I couldn't sleep.

There's gotta be something you can do about his god awful snoring.

Don't touch me.

Like vacuum his nostrils.

Cancel my morning appointments.

Where are you going? Out.

Morning.

I was thinking, do you think this could just clear up on its own? No.

But Dr Ellingham said You've been talked through the procedure.

You've signed the consent, yes? Yeah, but It's just last-minute nerves.

You'll be fine.

Would you help me, please? No.

Edith.

Hello.

The Collingsworth woman, lower abdominal pain, elevated temperature, complained of nausea.

You've made a diagnostic leap and assumed that It's a cyst.

without taking a proper look and ruling out diverticulitis.

sorry, what were you saying? Which is treated with antibiotics rather than charging in with an invasive and potentially harmful procedure.

You miss playing with all the machines, don't you? How many years have you been a specialist? of symptoms more times than I can count, Do you think all those years have narrowed your vision And you're only capable of seeing a gynaecological solution? I must scrub up.

Edith.

I wasn't going to interfere out of respect for you but you leave me no alternative.

I must insist that you authorise a CT scan.

She's my patient, Ellingham.

You can't insist.

All right, get in.

What? The wheelchair, get in.

Come on.

What? What's happening? I believe you may have been misdiagnosed.

I'm taking you for a CT scan.

That's it, feet up.

Are you allowed to do that? Sh! Out the way.

Out of the way! Patient needs a CT scan lower abdomen.

So do they.

Get on the bed.

Don't get on the bed.

It's an emergency.

Who are you? What do you think you're doing? Er, listen, mate, there's a bloody queue and you belong at the back of it, Fine.

I'm sure that Dr Montgomery will enjoy operating blind and when she nicks this woman's bowel, you can explain it to her family's lawyers! Get on the bed.

it wasn't hard to find you, Ellingham, I just followed the trail of outraged people.

Hello, Edith.

You hijack my patient and perform an unauthorised procedure in a hospital where you have no privileges.

If you weren't already an obscure GP in the back end of nowhere, you certainly would be by the time i'd finished with you.

It's a diverticular mass.

Right, good news, Mrs Collingsworth.

No need for surgery.

No apology? Well spotted.

Bye now.

Excuse me, shopkeeper.

Do you recommend these condoms? Clive, come here! Yes, miss.

Sit down.

Oh.

All right, then.

Agh! It is probably just wax.

Well, you're not gonna find anything.

Oh, hold still.

Ow! Look.

Oh, shush, Clive.

Agh! Stop struggling.

Just - Clive.

Shush, I am - look, will you - Clive, you cannot tell the doctor i did this.

Do you understand? What? Hm.

At some point you perforated your septum.

Subsequent scar tissue's formed a partial blockage which is causing you to snore.

Very loud.

Shouldn't you be dozing at your desk? Mm.

Surgery is inappropriate.

You'll just have to live with it.

It's the rest of us that suffer.

Well, how do you get a perforated septum? any sharp object will do.

Pauline stuck a lollipop stick up my nose.

You were five.

You perforated his septum.

Whatever.

He buried My Little Pony.

It's your fault I got kicked out of the army.

All my life i've wanted to serve my nation, protect my country.

Don't tell Mum.

I so am.

Oh Thanks a bunch, Doc.

Er, yes, obviously I'm the one at fault.

Doctor Ellingham, we've got a bleeder.

I'm almost done.

I told him not to go probing around in there.

He had no idea what he was doing.

Leave it to the Doc, I said.

Mr Tishell, stand on one leg, please.

One leg.

Stand on one leg, please! How long do I have to do this for? The balance test will ryle out Let me give it another try.

No.

Just sit down.

What? Sit down! Your lack of balance coupled with your hearing loss could indicate any number of serious inner ear conditions.

It's the machines, I told you.

but not noise-induced deafness.

if it was the machines, you'd be able to stand on one leg.

Yes, yes.

but i've always had weak ankles.

I need confirmation but I suspect cholesteatoma.

Yes, that's exactly what I suspected.

What is that? It's a con - Put that in your good ear.

What? They'd have to perform a mastoidectomy.

What is that? It's a - It's a procedure, Cl - It's an operation to remove the infection behind your eardrum Which left untreated may desrtoy the delicate bones of your middle ear.

Which left untreated may desrtoy the delicate bones of your middle ear.

You mean it can be cured? Yes, and your hearing can be restored.

I'll be able to go back to work? Yes.

Oh, what a shame! I mean not having you around all the time.

Oh, but It's all for the best.

I suppose so, love.

Better be sure we make enough time to catch up.

So Clive will be gone soon, back to his job far away.

And I'll be on my own again.

Good.

You ok, Dad? It's a scary world out there, son.

Very scary.

What's happened? Caitlin.

She liked me.

Oh, yeah.

She wanted to get to know me.

I mean really know me, follow my drift.

Yeah.

That's erm.

That's good, innit? Take a look at that.

Yeah? Well, that's filth, innit? That's Caitlin, that is.

We buy our paper products from that woman.

She sent it to me half an hour after we said good night and then the call started.

The calls? Oh.

Sailors would blush.

Dockers would cover their ears in shame.

I know.

I know but It's not what I want.

Don't get me wrong, I mean the physical side is nice.

But it's only one slice of the pie.

A big heart and a good friend, that's what I'm looking for.

The whole pie, know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah.

So, did you erm send a reply? Get out of it! Go on! Get out of it.

Yeah, just a minute.

Chris is on the phone! Chris who? Parsons! Right.

Yeah.

I'll just put you through.

Are you done for the day? Yeah, yeah.

I'd say so.

Yeah.

Right, I see.

Well, that sounds promising.

When would they want me to start? Yes.

Well, tell them I'm interested.

Definitely interested.

So I figured I'd give you another chance.

Another chance? To let me move in.

Seeing as you're rubbish at poker, I thought scissors, Paper, stone, best of three.

You win, I move in.

Well, no, Pauline.

I don't want to pressure you or nothing.

Three, two.

Ok, I'll erm.

i'll give you a big clue.

I'm going to go for stone this time.

Stone? Yeah, stone.

Just a little heads up.

Three, two What did you do that for? I thought you were bluffing.

No, I'm not bluffing.

I'm trying to help you, you idiot.

There's no need to insult me, Pauline, I'm just I've been demoted to the sofa cos I got Adam kicked out the army.

His snoring is getting worse but I'm not gonna come begging to you for help.

I've got my pride.

So the only way you'll move in is if I win you in a game like a goldfish or Exactly.

You could just ask nicely.

I am stone, got it? Stone.

Three, two.

Again.

Three, two Oh.

I - three, two Three, two.

Oh, God.

Just give me the bloody keys.

You're dead predictable, you are.

Dead predictable.

I accept your apology.

Thank you.

What you did was deeply patronising and violated protocol.

I'd expect nothing less.

You haven't changed, Ellingham.

Neither have you.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

How's the hand? I haven't looked.

What happened? Some utter moron.

Another one.

Let me.

I always thought you'd end up somewhere else.

You assume this is some sort of purgatory.

In March the local farmers have a competition to see who most resembles their pig and for the last two years they have petitioned me to be the judge.

Mm.

It's considered an honour.

Well, that explains why you stay here then.

A bit of inflammation but no infection.

As a matter of fact Chris Parsons has contacted me about a post at Imperial.

Head of vascular.

Oh.

Right.

What about your problem? I'm dealing with it.

But even this is making you queasy.

No it isn't.

Right.

Antiseptic.

Louisa.

Hello, Martin.

How are you? You're pregnant.

Yes, I am.

Not a church wedding, I would imagine, this time.

Not in God's house.

It's not my fault.

I mean, it is my fault.

It's not my fault that you don't know.

I didn't know until yesterday.

Hello.