01x05 - Truth or Consequences

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All Grown Up!". Aired: April 12, 2003 – August 17, 2008.*
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Tommy, Dil, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Kimi, Angelica and Susie are now in middle school and have to deal with adolescent issues.
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01x05 - Truth or Consequences

Post by bunniefuu »

BOY:
If you look close enough,

you can find beauty
in the strangest places.

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

You can thank me
later, Pickles.

This is for
a student film contest,

which you
willbe entering,

and it will be my star vehicle.

So I need at least
three crying scenes,

two nervous breakdowns

and an uplifting speech
where I take on "the man."

A local contest to be judged
by Martin Costomiris?

He's my favorite
director ever,

my hero, my idol,
I worship him--

in a healthy,
respectful way,

not a creepy,
stalking kind of way.

You're going to enter?

Aw, I don't know.

Tommy, we noticed
your natural talent

at the age
of months,

when you picked up
your father's camera--

that he swore
was a lemon--

and sh*t
your first masterpiece,

Creature from the Backyard,
starring...

ALL:
Spike.

[ yawns]

I'm going to enter.

BETTY:
Nobody do anything!

Just stay put.

According
to my astrological charts,

Mercury is retrograde
or reverse or something.

Point is, it's not going
in the right direction!

Must be
the hormones talking.

Grape-tomato-peach-
bratwurst shishkebabs?

This is dinner?

It was Dil's idea
that we eat only foods

with skins tonight.

Dad, I'm going to need
your Button Gwinnett

on this permission slip.

You mean
my John Hancock?

He's old school;
Gwinnett's the man--

the only
unidentified signature

on the Declaration
of Independence.

Good to know.

So, what's it for?

A field trip
to the aquarium?

Another trip
to the zoo?

A trip to
the vice-principal's office!

What did you do, Dil?

Don't know.

Pangborn wants to observe me.

Thinks I'm, uh...

What's that word he used again?

Oh, yeah, "interesting."

What up, T.?

Just waiting
for my muse to contact me.

I wonder how Marty C. figured
out who he was as an artist.

Maybe I'll direct

a high-voltage
international
spy thriller.

[ lasers pinging]

LIL:
I've got five seconds

to detonate the missiles
and to save the world!

No fair--
how come you always get

to detonate the missiles
and save the world, Lillian?

Because
I do it better.

Or a musical.

[ imaginary music
begins playing]

♪ Don't have the neighbor...

Nah.

That's it!

A m*rder mystery.

Don't be a chump,
Chuckie.

I did
the dirty work.

It's up to you
to get rid of the body.

What are you doing?

Dead people
don't get up.

They do if they have to pee.

Nah.

Something brilliant
will come to me.

We will have to mind-meld

in order to defeat
the man from earth.

Gross!
Dil farted in here.

It was you, Lillian.

Nuh-uh, Philip.

It's biologically
impossible

for girls to fart.

Cut!

Take five!

Air out the suit.

Oh, how come I'm playing
the whitey, boring human?

I want to play
the alien robot

with the
rotating head.

Tell you what,
I'll k*ll you off in this movie

and bring you back as
the alien robot in the sequel.

Action!

What is wrong with my lens?

It's a filter, bro.

Not working
for you, huh?

Do me a favor,
lose the dessert.

Let's focus, people!

And... action!

I know you sabotaged

the transport room
on my spaceship.

And I did it
all with my mind.

You earthlings
are so primitive!

♪ I will have
to destroy you, earthling ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't know
what you're up against. ♪

It's a choice.

Make another one.

Still rolling!

[ grunts]

Watch it, freak!

You watch it.

Hey, you're wearing

my half-human,
half-alien glove.

KIMI:
You don't need it--
you're playing a man.

But you can't
go in my room

without permission
and take junk.

You go in my room
and snake stuff...

Cut!

I wouldn't go near...

People!

I'm asking you as a friend

and as an artist
to please focus.

This is an important
opportunity for me.

So get it together and
let's make some cine-magic!

[ creaking]

Uh, Dil,
a little help, please.

PANGBORN:
Definitely a career high

and my proudest moment to date--

earning my masters
in early childhood psychology.

Sweeter than defeating
"The Boulder"?

Make that
my second proudest moment.

Feet off couch!

I've been observing you,
Pickles,

and I must say I find
your behavior disturbing.

Tell me more.

This past week I've noticed you

eating exclusively green foods,
hopping to class on one foot

and wearing your clothes
inside out.

What does that tell you, son?

That you have a lot
of free time on your hands?

[ growls]

This is a standard
psychological Rorschach test:

I show you an inkblot;
you tell me what you see.

A Rorschach test.

[ growls]

Now what do you see?

Uh, a medieval castle,

hundreds of
angry villagers,

a raging moat, a fire-breathing
dragon and a honey-baked ham.

[ groaning]

BETTY:
Mercury won't be forward
for a few days,

so expect the bizarro.

Take cover--
it's going to blow!

[ hissing and rattling]

See that?

That machine's
usually as reliable

as Howard's bimonthly
nosebleeds,

and today she dies.

That tears it--

it's too screwy a day for me.

I am out of here.

Even the temperature
is wildly vacillating.

One for the road.

[ sizzling]

Say good-bye, earthling.

Ouch!

That wasn't
a stage throw, Kimi.

You were trying to hurt me!

Cut!

Why can't you guys
get through a scene

without fighting?

Okay, we're moving on.

Next sh*t.

ALL:
We have deprogrammed
the specimen.

Shame on you,
bad aliens.

As your beautiful
and benevolent queen,

I order you
to release him.

TOMMY:
Angelica!

For the hundredth time,
say your lines as written!

Hello?!

How can I be loved by millions
if I play an evil, nasty alien?

I want to play
a nice alien! Nice!

Now, get that through
your thick skull or I'm walking!

You're right.

Oh, what was
I thinking,

casting you
as the evil villain?

That better
not be sarcasm.

Let's try the vaporizing
asteroid scene again.

And... action!

I saw the reports.

Our creator is
not from here?

TOMMY:
Oh, no, no, no.

I need more angst.

Depressed aliens
are more artsy.

From the top!

I saw the reports.

Our creator is
not from here?

This is hopeless.

SUSIE:
I wonder who is

on the VIP list
for Savannah's in-crowd party.

Oh, right,
that would be me.

ANGELICA:
Oh, please.

I'm on the TVIP list--

totally very
important person.

Everyone knows
Savannah just wishes
she could be me.

CHUCKIE:
What's the matter?

Afraid you'll miss
The Dummy Bears?

I told you not to tell
anyone, you bigmouth.

I didn't.

But maybe now I will!

PHIL:
A scale from one to ten:

How mad would Mom be

if I got a D-plus
on the math test?

Ten being
the highest?

Gazillion .

ANGELICA:
But I wouldn't be
caught dead

at her stupid party.

This... is my movie.

So, it would be better
for everyone involved

if I changed my grade
from a D-plus to an A-minus.

This footage is real.

It's true.

It's life.

Forget sci-fi--

cinema verité is
my artistic calling.

I don't know--
kind of miss the aliens.

TOMMY:
I haven't even scratched
the surface yet.

I need to go so far
under the surface

I'm over it.

Imagine the raw footage I'd get

if I secretly
followed people around.

DIL:
Hey, you can tape my sessions
with Pangborn if you want.

Today, I said
his wrestling costume was lame

and I made him cry.

I'm there.

Look out, Marty C.,
Tommy Pickles is in the house.

[ blowing]

[ both gasp]

Hello.

I wonder what
Dil would be like

if we'd never
dropped him on his head.

[ groans]

Let's try
a word-association experiment:

I'll say a word;

you respond with the first thing
that comes to mind.

Hot.Hot.

Cold.Cold.

Stop it.Stop it.

You're supposed
to give me a new word,

not the same one I gave you!

You said the first word
that came to mind.

And when you say "hot,"
the first word I think of

is, well... "hot."

[ growls]

Get out!

No session tomorrow.

Instead, I want to see

the people responsible
for your existence.

[ ripping]

It's stuck.

[ growls]

Now it's not.

[ playing loudly and lamely]

The poor guy doesn't seem
to have a knack for it.

It's always important
to encourage kids,

even if they have
no natural ability
whatsoever.

This is gold, pure gold.

[ laughing]

And the genius
keeps on coming.

BETTY [ on TV]:
No offense, but I think
my ears are bleeding.

Poor guy doesn't seem
to have a knack for it.

Ouch.

That was wicked harsh.

Aah, they're just
being honest.

In the privacy
of their backyards.

They'll go aggro when they see
their secrets exposed

on the big screen.

Aw, you really think
they'll be mad?

Well... yeah.

But I love
that you're risking

lifelong friendships
for your art.

You are one brave
little hombre.

Aw, I was so amped up
about the movie,

I... I didn't think about
hurting people's feelings.

Now this raw stuff
is so awesome,

but it makes everyone
look like a bunch of jerks.

And if I show it in the contest,
I'll be the last jerk standing.

Let me tell you a story
about a man named Van Gogh--

an artist so passionate,
he cut off his own ear.

Sure, the pain was incredible;
yes, he almost bled to death;

and of course, he had trouble
wearing earmuffs after that,

but he knew he had to suffer
for his art.

[ gasps dramatically]

So he did.

Aw, I thought he was just crazy.

I'll conclude with
one last crunchy nugget:

An artist's got to do
what an artist's got to do.

And what's that?

I don't know.

That's all I got.

[ door opens, closes]

Pickles!

I need to see the tape now.

I have to make sure
I was lit properly.

Get out of the way, freak,

or I'll move you
out of the way.

Over my dead, lifeless corpse.

ANGELICA [ on TV]:
Everyone knows Savannah
wishes she could be me.

I wouldn't be caught dead
at her stupid party.

Savannah can't see this!

I'll never get an invite

to the party I wouldn't
be caught dead at.

Tommy Pickles is a dead man.

ANGELICA:
Just thought you'd want to see

what Tommy the traitor sh*t.

And this is tame compared
to the rest of the tape.

You talk in
your sleep, lame-o!

Well, you make disgusting
noises when you eat!

I'm not usually that mean
to you, am I?

What about me?

I was all up in your face
and everything.

I didn't think there
was anything worse

than Angelica's singing...
until I saw her act.

[ tape stops]

I told Kimi that in confidence.

I'm sorry, Angelica.

I... I said it because...

Because you're jealous
of me? I know.

Who isn't?

Now that I see it on tape,

changing a grade
almost seems illegal.

KIMI:
If it gets out

that I watch
Dummy Bears...

What about Phil and me?

This is an outrage!

It's defamation of character!

I say we sue so this thing
never sees the light of day.

ALL BUT CHUCKIE:
Yeah!

KIMI:
Chuckie, don't you care

that Tommy taped people
dissing your drumming?

Oh, I hate the drums.

I only took it up
because Dad wanted me to.

ANGELICA:
What are we? Lame?

Let's destroy this stupid tape!

KIMI:
You betrayed us!

SUSIE:
Don't forget
humiliated us.

LIL:
How can you even

think about
showing this?

You'll be hearing
from my lawyer!
Uh... you're bad...?

[ mumbling through tape]

ANGELICA:
Get it!

[ all shouting]

I should have known
you'd play dirty.

Destroy that tape

or I'll have
your head, Pickles!

But this is my art,
my passion!

Then you better take good care
of this stupid camera,

because it's the only friend
you've got!

[ door opens, closes]

[ wheels on chair squeaking]

Forget something, you two?

ANGELICA:
Your hair looks
totally shiny

and split end free

today, Susie.

Angelica being nice?

If that ain't proof things
are out of whack, nothing is!

[ tires squealing]

Just admit you
didn't get invited
to Savannah's party

so you can stop
being nice to me.

Okay, I'm not on the VIP list.

I didn't even
get invited.

And as far
as I know,

Savannah doesn't
want to be me.

You happy now?!

Just so I know, I... I'm
getting the freeze, right?

Afraid so.

ANGELICA:
Keep it up, Finster.

There's plenty of ice
to go around.

[ blows raspberry]

LIL:
I think you did
the right thing.

Mom's still
going to k*ll you,

but you did
the right thing.

WOMAN [ over loudspeaker]:
Will Mr. Sargentino

please report to the office?

Boy, now I know
how Van Gogh felt.

The emotional pain

of my friends hating my guts

must be as bad as the physical
pain of cutting an ear off.

Don't you think?

Uh, it's close.

But the ear thing...

Man, that smarts.

PANGBORN:
Let me bottom-line it for you.

I think Dil would benefit

from some aggressive,
hands-on counseling.

We weren't aware
until yesterday

he was having any kind
of counseling.

But we're completely fine
with it.

Dil is a very interesting kid.

But he's a little too
interesting for his own good.

But a few weeks with me,
and I assure you,

he'll be just like
a functioning member of society.

What you're saying is
with your help,

Dil can be like every other
generic, h*m* kid

without an original
thought in his head?

Well, I, uh...

Now, you listen
to me, mister!

Just because my Dil sees
the world differently,

you want to change him?

Well, shame on you.

He is a one-of-a-kind,

an original

whose individuality
should be encouraged.

In fact, if everyone
was more like Dil,

the world would be

a better, more interesting
place to live in.

Just for the record, my wife
was the one yelling, not me.

I'm in a lose-lose situation
here, Marty.

I sell out and soften
everything in my movie

or surrender to honesty
and lose my friends.

What am I supposed to do?

MARTY:
You'll have plenty of time

to sell out later on,

when you have a hefty mortgage
on your country house

and massive repair bills
from that German car

you just had
to have.

Right now,

be true to your vision,
and just remember:

There's more to truth than
one moment captured on film.

It's all the truths,
past and present,

that have brought you
to that moment.

I know what to do!

I'm a little concerned

that I just had a conversation
with a poster,

but I'll worry about that later.

Right now,
I've got a film to cut.

WOMAN [ over microphone]:
The raffle winner

is number !

Yes!

That's not me!

I didn't win!

I never win anything.

This means Mercury's
officially out of reverse.

Whoo-hoo!

WOMAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Martin Costomiris!

[ cheering and applause]

[ swan honking]

[ dog yelping]

[ scattered applause]

WOMAN [ over microphone]:
That was Ed Woo's
Swan Bites Dog.

And our last film,
by Tommy Pickles,

is entitled The Days Before a
Day in the Life of My Friends.

Good luck, Tommy.

[ trumpets playing fanfare]

What's the matter?

Afraid you'll miss
The Dummy Bears?

I told you not to tell
anyone, you bigmouth.

I didn't.

But maybe now I will!

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

I'm sorry
I yelled at you.

Me, too.

And you can have
my half-human,
half-alien glove

if you want.

ANGELICA [ in movie]:
I want

to play a nice alien! Nice!

Now, get that through
your thick skull or I'm walking!

Turn that stupid
camera off, Pickles,

or I will lock you
in my toy chest!

[ growling]

It's hard
to believe--

you're much nicer now
than you used to be.

[ Chuckie playing drums]

[ playing without rhythm]

[ audience groaning]

MAN:
Make it stop.

[ ringing bell]

[ laughing]

Yes, yes!

Yes!

Ow.

[ whimpering]

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

[ laughing]

[ audience laughing]

I wonder what
Dil would be like

if we'd never
dropped him on his head.

[ gasps]

[ smattering of applause]

Mom? Dad?

Do you think
I'm one bump short

of the candelabra?

Honey...

you're the brightest candelabra
in the store.

[ dog barking]

[ children laughing]

[ audience laughing]

[ applause]

[ cheering]

PHIL AND LIL:
We're sorry about Dil.

Gee, Didi.

I... I guess this is worse

than when they broke your faux
antique Prussian vase, huh?

Don't worry, Betty.

Personally,
I think it's genetic.

From Stu's side
of the family,

of course.

LIL:
There goes nine years of guilt

up the aisle-- backwards.

PANGBORN:
Hey, Pickles.

I owe you an apology.

Maybe being odd isn't
necessarily a bad thing.

I'm going to miss
our little one-on-ones.

But I'll stop by
now and again

to check up on you.

Please... don't.

I was just being polite.

SUSIE:
Congratulations, Tommy.

Your movie
was awesome.

That's the only basket
I ever made,

and you got it on tape.

Oh, friends for life.

You and me, Tommy.

LIL:
Me, too.

PHIL:
Ditto.

Yeah, I guess
it was... touching.

If you like
that sort of thing.

You should've won.

That Mad Cows From Planet Moo

was a snore-fest.

The way I see it, I still won.

ANGELICA:
Hello?

Do you see a trophy?

A medal?

A ribbon?

[ others laughing]

LIL:
It's biologically impossible
for girls to fart.
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