01x06 - Thief Encounter

[bunniefuu]

I... I don't want to look
a workhorse in the mouth,

but you do know you're
doing my chores, too?

Some people call them chores;
I call it P.R.

Mom said if I screw up,
I can't go on the school trip

to Sully's Museum of Absurd
and Disgusting Oddities.

Extra work is
a small price to pay

when you're talking
about shrunken heads

and six-fingered
skeleton hands.

You boys seen
Rufus anywhere?

[ softly]:
Who's Rufus?

Garden gnomes don't vanish

into thin air.

I'm sure Rufus will call
if he's in trouble.

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

MAN:
On Friday, the fifth-grade
class

will take a standardized test.

[ all gasp]

This is not just any test.

This is the mother of all tests.

[ all gasp]

The one from which
all other tests run in fear.

Compared to this test, the rest
of the tests are just testettes.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

Before this test,
I looked like this.

[ all gasp]

I had no idea
my entire future

depends on
the outcome of this test.

Oh, it does.

Haven't you heard the rumors?

Kids with bad scores end up on
the bottom of the food chain

as career criminals,
elephant-dung slingers

and mimes.

Calm down,
guys.

How bad
could it be?

You show up with your number-two
pencil, fill in some ovals

and try not to stare
at the mole

on the neck of guy
in front of you.

What kind of mole?

Big? Small?
Three-dimensional? Hairy?

You have to be specific.

I need to be prepared!

CHARLOTTE:
Most kids don't start padding
their résumés until high school.

Start now and you'll be
way ahead of the hoi polloi.

Huh?

Good breeding
and a new library wing

can only get you so far.

What sets you apart
are the ECAs--

extracurricular
activities--

so I enrolled you
in a mentoring program.

Teaching some kid how to read
sounds lame.

Can't I do another ECA?

Maybe one
that takes place in a mall?

No, you must do things

that'll impress
the college admissions office.

Show concern for the
environment, your fellow man...

[ cell phone ringing]

Yes.

Jonathan.

Just tell them
the factory runoff

will turn their
dirty little river

a beautiful azure blue.

It's an aesthetic improvement.

GIRL:
Listen,
you stupid urchins,

I get first pick
of the toys,

and then you can choose
from the rejects.

Understand?

[ whimpering]

What a brat.

WOMAN:
Bernadette?

This is Mrs. Pickles

and her daughter,
Angelica--

your mentor.

[ sweetly]:
Hello, Ms. Pickles.

Hi, Angelica.

Aren't you lucky,
Angelica,

to get such a sweet
little girl?

Hmm.

[ Spike gobbling noisily]

DIDI:
Before I forget,

has anyone seen
my watering can

with the decoupage...

[ Spike farting]

Ew.

Oh, jeez!

That's a
paint peeler!

Who fed Spike
Brussels sprouts?

[ Stu panting]

Guilty as charged.

Sorry, Mom.

[ Spike farts loudly]

Let's get a fan
in here.

Thanks for
the solid, T.

How come you took the fall?

You want to go
to the museum, right?

Well, that's what brothers do.

[ Spike farting]

BOTH:Spike!
Ew!

[ electronic beeping, buzzing]

I told you--

when my skeleton
ninjas att*ck,

your ghost androids

have to take a dive!

Play it again
and let me win this time!

Hold on there, sister.

I think it's time we establish
a few rules around here.

You're so right,
Angelica,

and here they are!

I decide what we do,
when we do it

and how long we do it for,

and I don't do "please"
and I don't do "thank you"!

Oh, yeah?

We'll see
about that.

[ crying squeakily]

[ sobbing]:
My mentor's supposed
to take care of me!

But she's yelling at me
and being mean!

[ stops crying abruptly]

First one with a
brain freeze wins. Go!

[ all slurping]

Aah...!

I win.

[ door opens]

I'd say "Nice outfit,"

but that's
a degree of lying

I do not feel
comfortable with.

They're good-luck
charms for the test.

She's superstitious.

I wore this hat
when I won the softball throw,

the socks when I was
the only one in school

who didn't get
last year's k*ller flu,

and I had this clown head on me

when I fell off a horse
and didn't get a concussion.

Lucky you.

You guys are getting
all worked up over nothing.

I promise you,
this test is going to be cake.

If you don't believe me,
ask Chuckie.

He took it last year.

Worst experience of my life.

I can describe

that test in one word.

[ screams]

BETTY:
Keep it down
over there!

As I was saying,
every morning,

there's something new
missing from my yard.

Oh, that sure is
a coincidence,
isn't it?

I'm missing a rake, Kira
lost her ceramic ferret,

and Didi's shy one reversible
Portuguese-English welcome mat.

That's no coinkidink.

We got ourselves
a thief in the 'hood.

Which is why
I am now initiating
a neighborhood watch.

All I need is a volunteer
for my second-in-command.

[ Chas slurping coffee]

Chas, you're it.

[ gasps]

I don't remember
raising my hand.

[ game beeping]

I want to return it.

Return what?

ANGELICA:
It.

She's not a shirt,
Angelica,

she's a human being.

That's up for debate.

What's wrong with her?

Everything!

I want a quiet one
that takes orders,

doesn't talk back
and gives pedicures!

You're in
the program.

How do I
exchange it?

You can't.

Okay, then
I'll quit.

Not a good idea.

Mentees fill out reports
evaluating their mentors,

which goes on
your permanent record.

The cold, hard truth?

Your future is
in her hands.

[ video game zapping]

Care to b*at me
at a game

of "Super Skeleton
Ninja Androids"?

[ crickets chirping]

[ birds singing]

Didi's nasturtiums are missing.

BETTY:
He struck again!

All right, we're
taking inventory
of the stolen goods.

CHAS:
What can I put
you down for?

He hit me up for a sprinkler,
a recycling bin

and my wind chimes carved
from the horseshoes

of my boyhood pony,
Crackertoe.

[ sniffling]

[ alarm beeping]

Aw, Dil, wake up.

It's time for school.

Uh, I'm just going
to go ahead

and throw this
out there:

Any particular reason
why you're spooning

the DeVilles'
garden gnome?

Uh, not a clue.

But you got to admit,

Rufus sure does
brighten up the place.

Yo, Suse!

Silly sweet transpo
you got there.

Thanks, Dil!

Uh, I don't have
solid proof,

but if you ask me,

the stolen gnome in his bed
means all signs point to Dil.

[ birds singing]

[ snoring]

Rise and shine,
sporto.

You missed the bus.

Come on.

I'll drive you
to school.

It isDil.

My brother's a thief.

WOMAN [ over loudspeaker]:
Will the students who ran

the frozen turkey up
the flagpole...

I saw the bike.

Is that some kind
of secret code?

Okay.

I ate the banana.

Dil, don't try to deny it.

I know.

First the gnome,
now Susie's bike--

you're the thief.

You, my own
flesh and blood,

are accusing me
of being a common thief?

Then how did those things
get in our house?

How should I know?

Maybe the gnome
had bad dreams,

so he walked over
and climbed in my bed,

then tried to thank me
and gave me the bike.

Just a theory.

Did he admit it?

Nope, he pushed
the "I'm innocent" act.

I'll have to stay up
all night and catch him.

You expect to pull
an all-nighter

when you can't stay awake

during the least-boring
school activity?

What's that?

Lunch--

that thing
you're wearing.

DIL:
Man...

the thief-- it's Tommy.

DIL:
No wonder

you accused me
of being the thief.

You were trying to throw
the scent off yourself.

What are you talking about?

I was sound asleep.

Oh, really?

The missus says
you weren't!

Nice work, Dil.

You steal and then try
to frame me for it?

This is an all-time low
for you, T.

You're a thief
and a liar!

There's only one thief
and liar in this house,

and that would be you.

I'm going
to prove it.

Not unless I do first!

BERNADETTE:
Make sure she
has curlers.

Penelope always
has curls.

I know, I know--

thirty-two.

You want to count them?

Drop it.

Don't even think about it.

"Dear Mentors 'R' Us,

"I'm afraid to report
that my mentor,

"Angelica Pickles,
is mean, selfish

and horrible."

Hi, girls!

Having fun?

We sure are,
Mrs. Pickles.

Angelica just gave
me this shirt.

I didn't want
to take it,

but she insisted.

How sweet.

Hey, anybody up
for milk and cookies?

Yes, please,
Mrs. Pickles.

[ growling]

[ touch tones beeping]

[ phone line ringing]

Susie, you got to get over here
stat, or it's going to get ugly.

While you cram
for the test,

I'll keep an eye on Sticky
Fingers down the hall.

He thinks I'm here
to help you study.

Good cover,
and remember,

wait until five minutes
after he leaves the house

before we follow.

Give him time
to load up on booty.

Chuckie,

quiz us on words
from the dictionary.

Tommy, I do not want
to oversleep

and miss the test.

Did you set the alarms?

All seven of them.

Oh, they let you
in the country with that?

It's my good-luck
sleeping bag.

I used it on a camping trip
and caught nine fish.

Ugh! Well, it's time
to let them out.

I don't know how I'm going
to make it through this test.

What if I freeze up
or my mind goes blank?

What if I can't remember
my own name?

[ gasps]

What is my name?

Chill, Phil.

You'll be fine.

How can you say that
with a straight face?

I haven't made it

through one
practice test

without getting
distracted.

Honestly, I... I think I've been
unlearning stuff all week.

Aw, why am I fighting it?

Maybe a mime's life
isn't so bad.

It's garbage.

You want to check it?

[ door opens]

Hello?

Time's running out.

Next word.

"Brobdingnag."

I don't know
what that means.

Why are you doing
this to me?

Time to call it a night.

I'm sure by now

your brains are
filled to capacity.

[ light switch clicks]

TOMMY:
"Napoleon is to France
as Caesar is to..."

ANGELICA:
I'm telling you,
she's pure evil.

And trust me, I know
evil when I see it.

You do have
a point there.

Well, there's only
one thing left to do.

And I can't believe

I'm the one telling
you to do it.

You've got to play dirty.

Tell her you know
all about you-know-what

and thr*aten to tell
you-know-who.

But what if I can't find out
any you-know-whats or whos?

If Bernadette's as rotten
as you say she is,

she'll fill in
the blanks.

Hmm...!

So busted.

Tommy?

Now you're supposed
to look guilty

and beg me not to tell Mom.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

[ gasps]

I recognize that
zombie-like stare.

Your mind has been
taken over by aliens.

Oh, this is so unfair!

Why does all the cool stuff
always happen to you?

And here I am, practically
begging for alien contact.

Look, Chasy--
two open holes

from a stolen
"For Sale" sign.

And they're fresh.

He's close.

I can smell him.

[ sniffing congestedly]

Nope-- I got nothing.

Tommy,
Betty and Chas

are right
down the street.

They're heading
this way.

I know

you're probably
gathering stuff

for the mother ship,

but down here
on terra firma,

it's called
stealing.

If you get caught,
you go to jail.

Trust me: No one's going
to buy the alien angle.

Too many nonbelievers.

Tommy?

Tommy!

What do aliens want
with all this junk?

Well, as much
as I hate to interfere

with alien communications,

I'm going to have
to get rid of the evidence.

Tommy's my big brother.

It's my job to protect him.

And if you alien guys
can hear me,

I am an open vessel,
completely available

for abduction
anytime, any place.

[ wheelbarrow squeaking]

You guys hear that?

[ gasps]

Dil's the thief.

Tommy, wake up.

Dil's at it again.

What?

What's he doing?

He's having
stealer's remorse.

Then we should
leave him alone.

Technically, if he returns
the stuff he stole,

it's not really stealing,
is it?

You don't think that question
will be on the test, do you?

I hope not.

I barely scanned
Legalese for Preteens.

Let's head back.

Not just yet.

We've got to keep them
away from Dil.

Honestly, I never
cared for Gwendolyn.

But Howard... he's
sentimental for
that little gnome.

Oh, Betty...

you might want to stop
talking for a second,

and get out of the way!

Maybe we should call
for reinforcements.

There's no time
for that!

We have to collar
this perp on our own!

Now what
do we do?

They're heading
straight for Dil.

[ barking and whining]

[ mooing]

Phil, we're
trying to get
the dogs barking,

not summon some
cows in Idaho.

[ barking and whining]

Stellar play,
Tommy.

[ neighbors yelling]

WOMAN:
It's the thief!

[ screaming]

I'd like to retract
my last statement.

WOMAN:
I'd like an explanation
for this.

What's going
on here?

Go home, folks--
show's over.

Your official neighborhood
watchers will take it from here.

What do you say,
young man?

I'm innocent.

Try again.

TOMMY:
He is innocent...

Technically.

Excuse me.

Anybody around here
ever heard of a curfew?

Dil did steal
that junk, Mom,

but he was
returning it.

I didn't steal anything.

I swear.

Okay, I'll bite.

If you didn't take
those things, then who did?

I'm taking the Fifth.

Figures-- he already

took everything else.

CHAS:
Let's get
you home, Dil.

I had a dream like this once.

Only I was in my underwear.

I told you:

I'm not the thief.

How can you expect us
to believe you

when there
were at least
witnesses?

Can't you give me the BOTD
just this once?

No, I definitely cannot
give you the BOTD,

because...

I don't know
what that is.

"Benefit of the doubt."

Oh, well, I can't
give you that either.

You have to accept
responsibility

for your actions,
which means...

No visit to the Museum of
Disgusting Things tomorrow.

But... I've been looking forward
to this my whole life.

Mom, Dad...

Can't you just
ground him

or cut out TV
or something?

[ sirens blaring outside]

How did I get up here?

Drop everything and put
your hands in the air!

I... guess you've
got yourself a thief.

Yes, we do, son.

We'll have to take you downtown.

Actually, we're
already downtown,

so we're going to have
to take you... here.

I was sleepwalking.

You seriously think I'd go
out in public like this?

If I had a dime
for every Joe

who blamed his crime
on sleepwalking,

I'd be a rich man.

Well, maybe not rich,
but I'd own a boat.

But why'd you do it?

I have no idea.

[ watch alarm beeping]

[ gasps]

The test!

Oh, I've got
to take the test.

Oh, my entire future
depends on this test.

Oh, where's my
number-two pencil?

I need my
number-two pencil.

Where's my booklet?

I've got to have my booklet.

Whoa, rein it back
in there, pardner.

Are you talking about the
fifth-grade standardized test?

Just thinking about it
gives me the willies.

That test
has driven people

to do a lot
of crazy things.

You're off
the hook, kid.

And don't worry--

I'll deal with your folks.

Aw, thanks.

You know, before
I took that test,

I didn't have
astigmatism.

POLICEMAN:
Oh, yeah?

Before I took that test,
I had a real hip.

[ giggles anxiously]

[ doorbell ringing]

Let me guess: You're here
to pick up your English paper.

Duh... and it
better not be

over or under
words.

Sorry, I'm afraid
it's just a tad under.

[ reading aloud]

ANGELICA:
"Dear Mentors 'R' Us,

"My mentor, Angelica Pickles,

"has been
an absolute inspiration.

"She's beautiful, smart,
generous and a model citizen.

"In fact,
when I grow up,

I want to be
just like her."

You've got to be kidding me.

Do I look like
I'm kidding? Hmm?

There.

Now that it's over,
can you be more specific

about the you-know-whats?

There weren't any.

Too bad this is over.

There's so much
I can learn from you.

[ clock ticking loudly]

[ bell ringing]

Pencils down.

It's over, people.

Counselors are
waiting outside

for those of you in need
of psychological assistance.

Ha!

Mom and Dad are
waiting for you
in the car.

Guess where
you're going.

A home for
wayward boys?

m*llitary school?

A convent?

Sully's Museum of Absurd
and Disgusting Oddities?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Wait... did you confess?

Yeah.

A person can't be blamed

for what he does when
he's sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking?

Oh, man!

Are you absolutely sure

this had nothing
to do with aliens?

I'm sure.

Oh, one thing I can't
figure out, though.

You knew I was
the thief all along,

and even after you
were publicly humiliated

and banned from
the disgusto museum,

you still had my back.

Why?

Because that's what brothers do.

Thanks for
the solid, T.

[ Spike farting loudly]

TOMMY AND DIL:
Spike! Ew!

DIDI:
Who fed Spike
Brussels sprouts?