01x13 - Brother, Can You Spare The Time?

[bunniefuu]

[ playing jazz]

[ piano suddenly solos loudly]

What?

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

I am Tommy Pickles.

Welcome to my life as it exists

the day after winning the Junior
Director's Chair award

for my short film,
Kaleidoscope Lunch,

my entree into the elite world
of filmmakers extraordinaire.

This is my bed.

Maybe once I'm famous,
I could pay someone to make it.

These are my best friends
and my brother, Dil.

Here are my trophies
for baseball, soccer and...

My brother, Dil?

Auteur at work here.

Sorry.

Here's my old dog
and his father.

Ah...

I remember when I planted...

Dil?

What up with this?

Quite simply, I'm capturing
my place in your history

before it's too late.

Who knows what effect
across-the-fame-border

has on sibling symbiosis.

Earth to Dil.

Translation, please.

This award is
just the beginning.

Once you're a big-time director,

the dynamic duo of T. & D.
Pickles will be no more.

All my dreams of Pickles
Brothers, Inc., dashed.

And Pickles Brothers, Inc.,
was going to do what exactly?

Duh-- make ink.

Now I guess I'll just be
the brother that fame forgot.

Okay, Dil,
this is whack.

First of all,
even if I do get famous,

who says you won't be

the brother
that got famous,
too?

Three words, T.:

"Lars Christian Anderson."

Who's that?

Exactly.

Wait till you see my robotic
balloon animal maker.

[ lid hinge squeaks]

[ rumbling and rattling]

[ air hissing]

MAN [ on TV]:
Okay, Mr. May Be Me...

TV AUDIENCE:
Dump him!

Dump him!
Dump him!

Hello?

Aren't we supposed to be
planning...

[ whispers]:
a surprise party for Tommy?

Of course, Stu,
you're right.

I'm afraid
we got caught up

in What's Your Tragedy?

This poor gal's mutt

dragged her wedding dress
through a mud puddle

and her bonehead mother
washed it

and threw it in the dryer--
on "high."

She has one day
to lose pounds.

Okay, party-planning time
for my award-winning...

ALL:
Tommy!

Uh...

Hi.

[ audience on TV cheering]

[ cheering continues;
man yells in excitement]

TOMMY:
And here, we check my growth
as a boy and an artiste.

And who knows
where

the next notch
will find you,
sweetie.

TOMMY:
And this is the artiste's mom.

[ giggling]

See, even
our own mother

sees your future
as a vast unknown.

There's only one thing
left for me to do.

Join the circus, I hope?

Eventually.

But until then,
I must make the most

of our remaining time
together as brothers.

[ screams]

What are you doing?

Not wasting a minute

of the Pickles
Brother-thon.

Two of everything...

except one
double-yoked egg.

Your spork.

Let the brother-hooding
begin!

It's going to be a long day.

This party's
going to rock.

How cool is it
that Tommy won
that award?

Remember, it is
mongo importanto

that we keep the party
a secret.

Why did they have to tell us
about it?

Why, why, why?

So we could
help decorate.

But you know

I'm a terrible
secret keeper.

There's lying involved

and I'm the world's
worst liar.

I'm going
to spill the beans,

I just know it.

I might as well
just live here

until the party.

Good idea.

He's coming--
not a word.

BOTH:
♪ Pickles Brothers,
that's right ♪

♪ Uh-huh, oh, yeah,
that means we're tight ♪

♪ Brothers bump

♪ Brothers bend

♪ Pickles Brothers
till the end. ♪

You happy now?

You're... reading
a math book?

In front of Chuckie's locker?

Uh, where is Chuckie?

Just hanging out.

Not saying anything
about anything.

What's there
to talk about anyway?

Weather's nice.

Got to go.

And uh...

What's up with... the...
whatever it is you're doing?

We're savoring
the last few inches

on the brotherhood
yardstick,

before T. is
suddenly thrust
to the other side.

Fame is funny that way.

Numerogazillion
on Dil's

"My Brother And Me"
to-do list

before he's
the forgotten sibling,

lost in the shadow
of my greatness.

It's not like it hasn't happened
to brothers before.

Two words, my friends:

"Gabe Ruth."

[ groaning]

[ cloth tearing]

Okay, Dil.

While I praise the idea
of swapping cloths

as yet another shared
brother bonding moment,

I must point out
that hand-me-downs

are easier to maneuver in
than hand-me-ups.

I've gone along with this
so far,

but now it's time to...

Begin a retrospective

on The Brothers Marx,
Ringling,

and Dr. Joyce.

Cool it!

It's getting annoying--

you got to get
off my back.

Ah-ha!

The first brick crumbles in
the oh-so-real imaginary wall.

Dil!

Hear me loud and clear!

Sure it's a cool award,
okay?

But whatever you think
is going to change between us

is bogus.

Got it?

DIDI:Tommy!

There's a reporter
on the phone.

He wants
to interview you!

Awesome.

Isn't this exciting, Dil?

[ harp playing]

TOMMY:
Remember, people,

you're kangaroos.

I'm Dil,
Tommy Pickles' brother.

Yeah, right.

[ sighs]

WOMAN:
Next.

I'm sorry,

I'm afraid
you're just not right
for the part.

Next.

But I'm...

Uh,
Stone Sterling.

[ applause]

I want to thank my mother, Didi,
and my father, Stu,

for their support
and inspiration.

And my dog, Spike,
and my other dog, Spiffy,

and, uh, and...

Oh, yeah,
and my broth...

[ applause drowns out words]

[ sighs]

I now know what I have to do.

[ groans]

First, get out
of this butt trap.

Then, prepare for life...

without Tommy.

DIL:
I am ready to initiate plan E--

seeing as I never accepted
B to D as legitimate letters--

I shall learn to hang with
my fellow fourth-grade brethren.

How hard can it be to fit in?

GIRL:
Ew...

Is this seat taken?

You're... ugly.

You got
that right.

That was just a test to see
if Chuckie could lie,Philip.

Well, Lillian,
maybe you should have a test

where he actually has to lie.

Yeah.

May I remind you
that you look just like me--

if you had style and cute hair.

Okay, Chuckie.

Let's try it again.

Uh...

KIMI:
Tell that girl
her shoes are way cool.

But I think
they are cool.

They're pukie
chartreuse green.

Here she comes.
Do it.

Uh...

I think your pukie green shoes

are cool.

Uh...

I mean, way pukie.

I mean...

Uh!

It's no use.

I'm hopeless.

[ sighs]

[ slurping noisily]

Aren't you the kid who thinks

the Earth is
triangular?

And walks backwards a lot?

And, like, talks to aliens?
Absolutely not--

they respond to more
of a whistle thing.

But stick with me,

and over the years,
I can teach these

and other seemingly
difficult feats
to you,

my new compadres.

Amigos.

Buds.

So, my new brothers,

what say we cartwheel to class
in formation?

No.

What was I thinking?

That's weird.

We'll spin!

KIMI:
So remember,

Java Lava
right after school.

I'll bring
the crepe paper.

I'm color-coordinating
balloons

to match people's
outfits.

Uh-oh, ix-nayon
the par-tay talk-ay.

Hey, guys,
what up?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, Chuckie?

What's wrong
with your face?

You look weird.

Weird?

Nothing's weird.

What could be weird?

It's a normal day
with no surprises.

No!

Not surprises!

Who said that?

And don't come
to the Java Lava--
it's closed.

We got, uh,

ter-termites.

Got to get to class
early.

Want to get a good seat.

You almost
totally blew it.

You are so without

the sneaky,
lying and
conniving gene.

And you call yourself
an -year-old.

Okay.

You have got
to avoid Tommy.

But what if I can't?

Hmm... sneaky, conniving
and the world's best liar.

Teach him to what?!

Do you not realize

that the art
of lying is a gift?

Something you're born with.

Like my perfect nose.

Mm-hmm, there's
a good lie right there.

Angelica does
have a genius for it.

I still believe her
every time she swears

she'll only take
a sip of my smoothie.

Who cares about some
stupid surprise party

just because Tommy
won a dinky award?

It's not dinky, Angelica.

It means a lot to Tommy,

and this party
is a way

of congratulating him,

and I just can't be
the one to ruin it!

Okay, okay...

You're lucky
I'm a giver.

Plant your feet
solidly on the ground...

look me straight in the eye...

lose your conscience...

[ blathers]

and say it
like you mean it.

Here comes an example:

You're smart,
you'll get it.

Thanks.

Don't-- that was the example.

Oh.

[ groaning]

[ over intercom]:
This is Miss O'Keats

with an important announ...

Hey, guys...
where are you going?
Hey, D.

Why the long face?

Oh... hi, T.

It's just
that I figured

it's time I made
some new friends.

But when
I tried, they...

[ girl screams]

Aren't you
Tommy Pickles--

the one they wrote
about in the paper?

You have got to come over

and meet my friends.

We will simply die

if you don't give us
your autograph.

Huh?

I'm really not...

[ yells]

Catch you later, D!

Yeah, whatever.

[ both warming up]

So, how'd it go
with Angelica?

I think you're
a very bright kid.

Success!

DIDI:
Now, Betty is taking care

of the smoothies,
coffee and party hats.

Where is Betty?

I just used the baldness
paint spray

to cover a tiny, little spot.

Then I had the allergic reaction
leaving me with this!

[ gasping]

I'd shave it, but... it hurts!

[ sobbing]:
It hurts...

Geez, Louise, talk
about your losers.

♪ What's the haps
for Tommy's tomorrow? ♪

♪ We know our boy's round
the corner from fame... ♪

Now, when
Charlotte gets here,

remember, this is
her first public appearance

since she
had her work done.

So when you see her, try not
to look too surprised.

Let's just hope
I don't have to see her

on What's Your Tragedy?

[ gasps]

[ gasps][ gasps]

♪ ...Tommy's
tomorrow... ♪

♪ Row, row,
row your boat ♪

♪ Gently
down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily ♪
♪ Row, row,
row your boat, ♪

♪ Life is
but a dream ♪
♪ Gently down
the stream ♪

♪ Row, row, row
you boat ♪

♪ Gently
down the stream.. ♪

Hi, sweetie.

I thought you
had soccer practice.

I did, but I had to duck out.

I have groupies.

Can you take
something for that?

Oh, no-- I'm not here.

[ all heave sighs of relief]

Go back there and
keep Tommy busy

while we hide this stuff.

Then, get him out of here

and bring him back
for the shindig.

Me?

[ gasps]

Do you have any idea
what it's like

to be chased by crazy,
lovesick girls?

One of them wanted my sock.

No, and ew.

MAN [ on TV]:
I tried mint mouthwash,

even a professional
tongue scraping,

but no luck--
halitosis sent her packing!

Wow, that is tragic.

HOST:
Who's life could be more tragic
than that, folks, huh?

I'll tell you who.

Meet Dil Pickles!

[ both gasp]

Dil, tell our
studio audience

and viewers at home,
what's your tragedy?

My one and only brother
has forgotten I exist.

[ audience sympathizes]

Sorry, no admittance.

But I've got
to get in there.

I'm Tommy,
Dil Pickles' brother.

Yeah, right.

Sorry, kid.

Okay, this is serious.

He's got to get inside
to tell his brother

that their mother's uncle,
Uncle Dil--

who he's named after--

met with an untimely
elephant accident,

and he's at
the zoo infirmary

asking for little Dil.

It's touch and go as we speak.

Would you deprive a partially
crushed man his last wish

to see his great little, uh,
little great-nephew?!

Would I make this up!

Go get him...

for Uncle Dil.

Where'd you learn
to lie like that?

Eh, it's a gift.

DIL:
But... he just didn't

have time.

Oh...

Dil!

Tommy!

"Tommy"?

The selfish,
self-centered,
all-about-me brother?

[ audience hissing and booing]

I think they're coming.

Man your stations!

EVERYONE:
Surprise!

False alarm, people.

[ all groan]

[ all gasp]

Remember,
we aren't supposed

to look surprised.

She started it.

[ audience grumbling]

Look, Dil,

I'm sorry I made you
feel this way.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

But it's all
in your head.

[ audience boos and hisses]

Okay, D., I'm sorry
for telling you

to get off my back

and that I
was signing autographs

instead listening
to you, okay?

ALL:
No!

Who asked you?!

Boo!

Okay, Mr. Me-me-me,

tell us why you

launched a campaign
to have Dil's name

stricken from the family tree?

Huh?Huh?

ALL:
Huh?

Go with me.

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!
That's not true...

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

Come on, Dil,
let's get out of here.

What's it going
to be, Dil?

Do you really need
a brother like this?

AUDIENCE:
Dump him! Dump him!

Dump him! Dump him!

Sorry, Tommy,
after this I'm doing

the Dr. Ned Showsegment,

"Only Child:
Like It Or Lump It."

That's it!

You're coming with me!

[ audience gasps]

Alone!

Well, uh... time to sell soap.

[ audience booing]

What do you want
me to say, Dil--

that I'm sorry
I won the award?

I can't believe you
wouldn't be happy for me.

So what's this really
all about?

I am happy for you, T.--
I'm really proud.

I guess... I guess...

What?

That I've always known

I see the world...

Like a giant triangle,
I know.

No... well, yes, but no.

I'm different, Tommy.

You know, like,
how I think?

And I guess
I was worried

that if you're gone,
there won't be
anyone who...

well, you know,
"gets" me.

D., I'm not going anywhere.

And so you're different.

So was Einstein and Mozart

and... and the guy
who invented Spam.

You're the one

who's going to make
a name for himself.

You think?

I know.

And I'm going to be

right there with you
when it happens.

Brothers bump,
brothers bend,

BOTH:
Pickles brothers till the end.

Uh, guys, can we go?
They think I'm the next tragedy.

And we're already minutes
late for the, uh, quilting bee.

Uh, bingo...

Oh, who's got time!

You're having a surprise party!

Sorry.

Wow, really?

Well, let's go, bro.

It wouldn't be
a surprise party

without one
of your surprises.

ALL:
Surprise!

[ groaning]

Uh... surprise?

Surprise!

[ everyone
congratulating Tommy]

[ screams]

You look... good.

So, Chuckie,
you pulled it off.

Uh, not exactly.

I'm kind of happier

being a good
truth-teller.

Oh, yeah?

Me, too!

You're hopeless.

Hey, how about we work
on my next film... together.

Pickles Brothers
Productions.

♪ What's the haps
for Tommy's tomorrow? ♪

♪ We know our boy's round
the corner from fame ♪

I see it--
"The Dil Pickles Story."

No, no, no--
"Life With Dil."

No, no, wait!
"My Brunch With Dil."

How about
"Dil, Cool It!"

Not as catchy.

♪ We know our boy's round
the corner from fame ♪

♪ So listen up, all
you sisters and brothers ♪

♪ To us, T. Pickles
will still be the same. ♪

[ applause]

Two words my friends,
"Gabe Ruth."