02x04 - Fools Rush In

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

Fore!

[ grunts]

You've got to use
your head, Chuckie.

Okay.

My head tells me I don't have
a head for soccer.

Especially the "me-against-
everyone-else goalie" kind.

I mean use it
to head butt,
butthead.

And Dil,
I know learning the rules
to an actual team sport

doesn't come naturally to you,

as in rules
for non-rule followers,

but it's not kickball;

it's soccer, no hands.

Why can't we shake it up
a little

like no feet or no elbows?

Ugh... Dil.

You got it, Dil.

Dil, this isn't a game.

Ah, okay, it is a game.

The point is,

when you've got
an opening,

you can't hesitate;

you just got
to go for it.

Ugh, so many rules and laws.

You got to take it slow, Bro.

I still haven't totally accepted
the law of gravity.

PST.

Walking growth spurt, :.

Oh, man,
not Francine again.

Why has she been all
in your face, Tommy?

[ whining]

No clue.

What's the matter,
Pip-squeak Pickles?

Don't you want
to come over and
sh**t the breeze?

Don't antagonize her, Tommy.

For all we know, she could chew
right through the chain link.

[ clucking]

Hey, what's your beef
with me, Francine?

If you don't know,

you're more hopeless
than I thought.

Just be glad there's a fence
between us!

Oh, we are soscared.

[ screaming]

ANGELICA:
Low self-esteem can be tricky,

especially when you're a loser.

[ groans]

Has the "Ask Angelica"
revolution already lost

its luster?

"Dear Ask Angelica,

"If you were going
to a fancy party

would you wear and up-do
or a down-do?"

Duh. Down-do.

I should know,

I was recently a witness
to a horrific up-do tragedy.

Why tell, when a picture's worth
a million words?

Wow, this gossip thing could
give "Ask Angelica"

a whole new life.

Ooh. I can't wait
to get more dirt.

Seriously, why yellow?

Why not break free?

How many of your brethren
can tool down the highways

in a bus that's, say...
chartreuse.

[ camera clicks]

[ moans]

I'm on in less
than half an hour.

Be honest, do I look okay?

Uh, you're the new
PA announcer,

as in, no one's going
to see you.

Oh, yeah.

So do I look okay?

Tommy, you've got to show
Francine who's boss.

If she taunts you,
you triple-taunt her back.

I'm not really
the taunting type.

I'd rather
just find out

why she's got
it in for me
and fix it.

Uh, fine, fix fast.

Look.

If experience serves me,

you're in for
a balloon-induced sliming.

So, we turn the tables
and slime her first.

She'll never see it coming.

I'm going to settle this.

Uh, what you got there,
Francine?

This?

Uh, nothing.

Uh, can we just talk
this out like two
mature, semi-adults,

because...

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

All right, I'm ready
to close the deal on
a fuchsia bus if...

DIL:Tommy!

[ Dil screaming]:
No!

[ screams]

[ laughing evilly]

Aw, Dil, what did you do?

Helped my bro
in his time of need.

You call this helping?

Ah, ah, what do I do?

I can't let anyone else see me
like this.

[ laughing]

[ laughing]

Uh... it's all
in the attitude.

[ Lil clears throat
over loudspeaker]

LIL [ over loudspeaker]:
As a reminder,

the Languages Club will meet
in the library at lunch.

That's all. Bye.

Angelica, I noticed

that the number of hits
on your Web site are up.

Now that I've gone wireless

I'm free to roam and mingle
with the little people,

my loyal fans.

Oh. "Ask Angelica" has
the potential

to be so uplifting
and inspiring

to the fragile psyches
of today's angst-ridden youth.

Make up your mind, Miss O'Keats.

You want hits

or uplifting
and inspiring?

Oh, hmm.

This will be the gossip
story of the decade,

full of good old
raw humiliation.

[ laughing]

Aw.

Okay, so a few kids saw it.

But in the big scheme of things,

how many kids actually waste
their time

reading "Ask Angelica"?

[ kids laughing and talking]

[ all stop]

Ugh. That many.

[ kids laughing]

DIL:
I still don't get
why you're so t'd, T.

What was I supposed to do,
just let her slime you?

No, I much prefer
you doing it for her.

I'm definitely going
to have to call
that girl's mother.

No!

Aw... look, could everyone
just leave me alone?

Oh, all right.
but if you ask me,

you're being
a little hard on Dil.

He was only
trying to help.

Come on, T.

I totally followed
the rules.

I saw an opening,
I didn't hesitate,

I just went for it.

Different rules, Dil-- the
older/younger brother rules.

I know you were born
without the embarrassment gene,

but I wasn't.

It's just not cool

to have your little
brother make a fool
of you in public.

So you're saying
I have a whole new set
of rules to learn?

Yep, as in the
"you don't get to make me
look like an idiot" ones.

Older brother/younger brother
rules, huh?

Sure, I can give you
a few pointers.

You see, even though
older brothers might seem

like they push their younger
ones around a lot,

the bottom line is
you love them unconditionally--

even when they steal your
girlfriends, trash your room,

market your ideas
without permission...

There can be no denying
the family bond

which will always win the day
over petty differences!

TOMMY:
I'm just going to lay low

until I can find a way
to regain the status cool.

My entire reputation's at stake.

To think,
all this could
have been avoided

if only Francine
had been honest
about her feelings.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

What?

Would someone mind
filling me in?

KIMI AND LIL:
She obviously likes you.

News flash, Tommy:
she's a girl.

The truly scary thing is
that almost makes sense.

Ah, I'm totally picking up
what you're putting down.

I mean, hey,
I don't blame you
for the way you feel.

As in?

You know.

Hah! How you're
digging on me.

Yeah, I guess you're
on to me, huh?

I really do like you.

Only I'd like you
even better

in there.

[ grunts]

Loser.

Uh... at least we're past
the humiliation part.

[ grunts]

Look, dude-a-roni,

it's those girls who hang
with Tommy Dorkheimer.

[ boys laughing]

[ both whine]

[ whispering]

Guys, our table's collective
cool quotient

is taking a serious hit.

Hi, Angelica.

I just wanted to tell you

how fabulous your hard-hitting
gossip coverage has been.

Like, how did you find out
that Paris was planning

a surprise toe-ring party
for Savannah?

What can I say?

I have one of those
personalities

that makes people want
to tell all.

Now get lost or my
next headline will be

about how you pluck
your unibrow.

[ girl crying]

Angelica,

you have to post
a retraction.

I.. I demand it.

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas...

uh, yesterday's news.

But you owe me.

What about our history
together?

Or the fact that we're
blood relatives?

Hmm...

No.

But I'll tell you what,

if you're planning
any new ways to
humiliate yourself

I'd love the scoop.

Tah.

[ sighs loudly]

I will not stop.

I will not sleep.

I will not eat
until I get my rep back.

I will prove that I walk
among the unlame.

[ grunts]

Uh, sorry, big dude.

Man, that's one
tough-looking, kid.

Troy? Nah, he's
a total teddy bear.

So is his snake.

ALL:
Snake?

Yeah, Mayflower.

He's, like,
a hundred years old.

Troy's grandpa
brought him over
from the old country.

You know, Tommy,
you should get
to know Troy.

He's a wannabe actor.

Yeah? Can his snake act, too?

Huh?

Phil, get me that snake!

Promise Troy a part
in my next film if you have to.

I have an idea
for a little publicity stunt.

If it works,

Tommy Pickles will go from
school zero to school hero.

We only have, like,
a minute to talk.

We think
it's important
to help you see

where you went so
wrong sibling-wise.

Dil, you have to understand

that Phil's unflinching respect
for me is based solely

on the fact that
I'm two minutes older

and light-years ahead
on the maturity scale.

Yeah. Right, Lillian.

That's why I heard you do
"The Fart-Spangled Banner"

in the bathtub last night.

[ imitating farting]

[ ringing]

Hello, my good friend, Troy.

Oh, hello, Thomas.

Can I just say that
you are looking very cool

and definitely not the least
bit, uh... uncool today.

Did you bring the snake?

Did I hear
you say snake?

It is a very dangerous
and ferocious snake.

That's why I keep him
double-locked in his cage.

I would hate to think of what
would happen if he ever got out.

Ooh...

Do not worry.

That will never,
never happen.

Come see for yourself,
behind the gym at :.

What time did
he say, Tommy?

: exactly.

[ kids chatting excitedly]

I'm totally going
to ask Jason to
the dance next week.

I thought he
was taking Tiffany.

He was, until I wrote
them "Dear John" letters
from each other

to break them up.

But what if they find out?
And how could they?

Yeah, how could they?

My brother and I never pay
attention to who's older

or who's younger.

We've always just watched out
for each other like brothers do.

So if your little bro
accidentally slimed you

while trying to help,
you'd be okay with it?

That was your older brother
you slimed?

[ crashes]

What little brother
in his right mind

would try to help an older one?

You can't just interfere in
your brother's life like that.

What was I thinking?

I will not butt in
to Tommy's life.

I will not
butt in to Tommy's life.

I will not butt in
to Tommy's life.

[ kids whispering excitedly]

[ hisses]

That horrible snake
looks so dangerous.

Someone, stop the madness.

[ grunts]

Oh no!

He is escaping!

[ all gasp]

Look, Troy, he is charging.

Please, somebody help me.

The snake is squeezing me.

I will save you.

Get off my friend,
you big, bad, vicious serpent!

[ Tommy grunting]

Tommy! You are a hero.

[ cheering and applause]

I will not butt
into Tommy's life.

I will not butt in to...

Tommy!

No slimy snake is going
to eat my bro.

[ grunting]

[ shouting]

What are you doing?

Saving you.

[ grunts]

BOY:
You saved Tommy!

[ kids cheering]

BOY:
You saved Tommy!

GIRL:
You saved Tommy!

Dil! You did it again!

Huh?

But I thought...

Oh, the rules.

Well, guess what.

I can't just stand by

and let my only
brother get hurt.

Yeah?

Well, you don't have
to worry about that.

Because as far
as I'm concerned,

if you can't follow
the rules,

you can just stay
away from me...

forever!

How dare you plan

a "feeding Tommy to a snake"
event

and not invite "Ask Angelica"?

You have all officially made
my blacklist.

I vow to use the full power
of my poison pen for payback.

Hmph!

Hi, Angelica.

We're a little concerned

about some of the things you've
been printing about us.

Since most of it
isn't true.

[ gasps, giggles]

You cannot silence me.

You will not, cannot stop me

from printing my version
of the truth.

No, but I can.

The very idea that a Web site
meant for such good

was used instead for such ill

makes me, um... ill.

If you can't find a version
of the truth

that doesn't involve
so much malice,

I'm afraid I will have to pull
the wireless plug

permanently.

[ bike bell ringing]

FRANCINE:
Got something for you,
Porky Pickles.

I come bearing good news
and bad news.

Good news: Angelica missed
the snake fiasco.

Bad news: I didn't.

Gee, and that was
my only copy,

except for the ones I posted
on half a dozen Web sites

and spammed to e-mail
addresses around the world.

Why are you doing this to me?!

Hmm, does this
ring a bell?

No, no, I'm not
the one you want.

Please... don't!

I'll be a fifth grader
myself in two weeks!

Please! Spare me!

No!

And cut.

That was a scene
from the original cut

of my cult classic,
When Fifth Graders att*ck.

But it ended up on
the editing room floor.

How did you even know about it?

Because it was my part,
Mr. Big sh*t Director.

You're little Franny?

It was the part of a lifetime.

I was so excited,

I invited all my friends

and family
to the premiere.

My proudest moment,

and all that survived was
a long sh*t of my elbow.

I-I had to cut the scene
for time.

It was the most
insensitive thing

anyone ever did to me.

I've never been so humiliated.

Man, I know
what it feels like

to be totally
humiliated,
trust me.

I guess I owe you
an apology.

You think?

I really wasn't trying
to embarrass you, I swear.

Just like Dil wasn't trying
to embarrass me.

Aw, he was just trying
to protect me.

Hey, I'm not done
tormenting you!

Have you seen Dil?

He's not in his room,
the basement, the hamper

or even the weird places
he hangs out.

He went out.

He seemed upset,
but he didn't want to talk.

Aw, I'm really worried
about Dil.

What if he never
speaks to me again?

I'm sure you guys will
work it out.

You and Dil are lucky
to have each other.

Yeah, we are.

Hey, my soccer ball--
it's gone.

I know where Dil went!

I can follow rules.

I'll get it.. someday.

[ gasps]

Man.

ANGELICA:
Something real, something real.

Oh, who wants real?

Real's boring.

Hmm... there's potential.

[ grunts]

Seriously, guys, if you're
in the neighborhood,

I could use a three-fingered
hand right about now.

TOMMY:
I was sure
he'd be here.

A little to the north, T.

[ panting]

Hang on, Bro!

[ shouting]

I got you, Dil.

[ grunting and panting ]

T, I'm so sorry
for messing up

on the whole
brother rules thing.

You know, Dil, brotherhood's
totally a team sport,

and the only real rule is
you can't put any rules on it.

I was a total idiot.

Hey, you want
to sh**t some hoops?

[ chuckles]

Uh, sure.

Uh, Dil?

FRANCINE:
Go ahead and drop.

I got you.

Either I'm facing a new friend

or certain death.

[ grunts]

[ clicks]

Thanks, Francine.

You just might have saved me
from a broken leg.

Mm, almost would
have made us even.

Francine, the whole film thing,

I'll make it up
to you, I swear.

[ Angelica clears throat]

Tommy,

which of these do you think is
better "Ask Angelica" material?

This...

or this?

I'm leaning towards the second.

You know what, Angelica?

Go ahead and print
the picture.

My reputation
will recover...

eventually.

There are a lot more
important things.

Way to take all the fun
out of it, Pickles.

FRANCINE:
I have a question
for "Ask Angelica".

In my e-mail to Miss O'Keats

about how your gossip is
damaging the fragile psyches

of our already angst-ridden
student body,

should I sign my name
"Francine" or "Franny"?

[ growls]

So Tommy, I'm thinking
now would be a good time

to talk about our next
film collaboration.

Fore!

TOMMY:
I-I had to cut the scene
for time.