06x04 - Nobody Likes Me

[bunniefuu]

Mike'll be here in about 15 minutes.

Well, actually he'll be here in exactly 15 minutes.

Do you want to hold James? You'll be starting work soon and you won't see him all day.

Ah! Yes! There! Ugh.

He's draining a brain abscess.

Good.

Now I won't need any breakfast.

I know it's just shapes and movement to him but I can't help worrying that those videos are going to make a lasting impression.

Let's hope so.

This man's one of the best.

Yes.

Concentrate.

You like that, don't you? Daddy will play with you, won't you, Daddy? I'll watch this later.

Well, that's the last of it.

It'll be a pleasant change to be around people again instead of animals.

You'll love it round here.

Everyone's really friendly.

Morning, Mr Moysey! This is Dr Ellingham.

She's your new neighbour.

Yes.

I know.

She's Joe Norton's sister.

Used to live on the farm.

Hope you won't be knocking on my doors at all hours.

I'm not that type of neighbour.

Good.

If you're expecting pleasantries and small talk, you've got a long wait coming.

He's a grumpy old bugger.

Ignore him.

Don't worry, I got the message.

So is everything all right? Yes, thanks.

It's ever so kind of you to let me have this room.

When you say let me have, I did mention No wonder Mrs Tishell went funny on her own with her husband away.

I said If I didn't have friends like you I'd go mad myself.

That's what it'll cost you.

Yeah, you said.

It's just with the bills and such.

Do you have a washing machine? Only I In advance if you don't mind.

And cash wouldn't be refused.

Right.

Oh, right.

Oh, yes.

I've got a washing machine, yes.

You're very welcome.

There we go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Better get going.

Prescriptions to dispense.

Breakfast on the house! Oh, thanks! Good morning, Mr Moysey.

I'm at the doctors, what's good about that? I could have a terminal illness.

Thought you were here for a check-up for your repeat prescription.

Your nose is bleeding.

Mm? Oh, have you got a tissue? Er, yeah, somewhere, I think.

Erm Two seconds.

Today would be nice.

Thank you.

Next patient! That's you.

Thank you.

Don't sit there.

Take off your jacket and sit there.

Your nose is bleeding.

Yes.

It is.

I must apologise for coming to the doctors with a medical condition.

Come here.

Breathe in.

Out.

In.

Out.

Your breathing's very laboured.

I've got asthma.

Had it for 50 years.

Read your notes.

Roll up your sleeve.

Your condition's obviously worsened.

Are you experiencing any light-headedness or fatigue? No.

Well, once in a while.

Think you can write that prescription now? No.

I won't write a prescription till I finish my examination.

Your blood pressure's normal for a man of your age.

It seems to have dried up now.

You had nose bleeds before? Once in a while.

Tilt your head back.

Yes.

The membrane's inflamed.

Well, I've got allergies.

Do you ever use over-the-counter nasal sprays? Yes.

They can cause bleeding.

You should stop using them.

Couldn't you just have done that the moment I came in? No.

Good day.

I'm not paying you for slacking.

Sorry.

It's good to see people walking past the window again.

Hmm, must have been lonely.

Sometimes.

I know what that's like.

Have you considered finding yourself a girlfriend? Well Bit too busy.

I see.

I mean, I wouldn't mind.

But er It's not that simple, is it? Well, you certainly won't meet anyone with that attitude.

Take a seat.

What seems to be the problem? I got a lump, Doc.

Worried it might be the mumps.

Have you had an MMR vaccination? Don't think so.

I drove a kid to hospital last week, he had them.

They're contagious.

Any fever or aching joints? No.

Fatigue? Knackered.

Been working all the overtime I can get.

Me and my wife's aiming for a baby.

Shush, open your mouth.

Morwenna, bring me in a lemon, please.

Yes.

The fruit.

Yes.

The thing that worries me is that ten per cent of men who catch mumps can't have kids.

Don't know what I'll tell the wife.

What do you need that for? Why do you need a Kn*fe? Stop talking.

All right, Stu? Shut the door.

Thank you, Morwenna! Bite that.

Argh! It's not mumps.

You've an infected parotid gland.

Blocked by a stone caused by a build up of calcium.

When you bit on the lemon it stimulated your saliva gland which pressed on the stone.

Drink two glasses of fresh lemony water every day for the next two weeks.

It should work its way out.

If not come back and see me.

Spit it out.

Bert! Right.

It's just me.

Knock next time! Sorry.

I don't think it's too much to have a little privacy.

I forgot I had company.

Force of habit.

And a lock would be nice.

I am right on it.

Night, then.

Martin? I forgot, Mike's got a dentist appointment.

Can you take James to Millie's Playtime at the library? Oh, why don't you do it? It's my heads meeting in Truro.

Oh yes.

I know it's awkward but he has so much fun there.

It's important for James to learn to socialise.

Mmm.

At six months old I don't know how much socialising he's actually going to do.

But he needs to learn to interact, Martin.

Do you want him to grow up to be shy and introverted? We don't want that, do we? No.

Morning.

Morning.

Whoa! I see you got a load of shopping in! I hope you don't mind.

Certainly not! You make yourself at home.

So is everything all right? Absolutely fine! Healthwise? All working nicely? No complaints.

It's just that I couldn't help but notice that yesterday you had a needle.

What? In the bathroom.

Oh, right, well, actually I'm diabetic but I don't really like to talk about it.

So, if you're diabetic, how come you got all that sweet stuff in the fridge? Mind your own business! Right, I better go and open up.

The insomniacs will be hammering on the door wanting their sleeping pills.

I'll see you later.

I told him not to call you.

She could have been k*lled, Doc.

Can you see anything? Hold still.

I don't have concussion.

I'll be the judge of that.

Follow my finger.

Oh, stop it, Martin! I don't know why Al even called you.

I wasn't hit on the head.

Maybe you were and you don't remember.

Take my word for it.

I'm fine.

Aren't I, Martin? Yes.

What you've got is a slow leak.

The plaster has soaked up the water, got too heavy and joined you in bed.

You need to call the landlord.

I can't get hold of him.

Can you fix it? The leak's coming from next door.

So? Mr Moysey's house.

That's a good little boy! We had a difference of opinion about breakfast.

I lost.

Yes.

How's Ruth? Surprisingly well.

Fine actually.

That's a relief.

We eat at this table.

It's fine, I'm in a hurry.

Where's the filter basket? Filter basket Erm Silver cup, yea big.

Black handle so long.

It's over there with the carrots.

What's it doing there? It's shiny.

Makes a nice noise when you bang it on the table.

Can we talk about this playgroup thing? No.

No.

Martin, you promised.

It wouldn't matter if he missed one week.

I'll finish getting ready and tidy the kitchen, then go to my meeting in Truro.

Mike will be here in a minute.

You can take James to Millie's Playtime at lunch.

Yes? Yes.

Drink plenty of water.

If your urine gets darker, drink even more water.

Just the man! Do you have a minute? No.

I've got a question for you.

Is it medical? Kind of.

Make an appointment.

It'll only take a moment.

Why would a person inject themselves if they weren't diabetic? Not with a pen thing, but with a proper needle.

I'd assume they were ill.

If it wasn't? I'd assume they were a drug addict.

Could it be something else? I can't tell, can I! If they did happen to be a drug addict, how could you tell? Tremors, slurred speech, mood swings, constriction of the pupils.

I have patients.

Barbara Shoe.

Constriction of the pupils! Thank you very much, Doc.

Mr Moysey, I You told me you wouldn't come knocking on my door.

Yes and I'm sorry.

The only reason we're bothering you now is we think that you might have a leak in your loft.

I haven't got a leak! Well, can we come in and check? No.

Why not? Because I haven't got a leak.

I think I'd know if I had a leak! Now leave me alone! If you knock on my door again, I'll call the police.

Who'd have thought it! It's playtime! I hope everybody's up for some fun and games! Now, who've we got here today? Ooh, the dashing daddy! No, I was just looking for the reference section.

Louisa said Daddy would be bringing little gorgeous today! Oh.

Right.

Come on, come and join our g*ng! We don't bite.

Apart from Rufus, of course! Now, would Daddy like to introduce himself? No.

He's Doc Martin.

That's right, he is! Actually, it's Doctor Ellingham.

Oh but we don't want to call him that, do we? That's so formal! We can't call him what we normally do! We'll just call you Martin.

I'd prefer Doctor Ellingham.

Now, does any clever person here know what the wheels on the bus do? I thought I warned you Hello, Mr Moysey.

Now, what's all this about not letting Doctor Ellingham into your house? Have you got a warrant? What? I'm not allowing you to search my house unless you've got a search warrant.

Oh, for God's sake! He doesn't need a search warrant.

That's right.

To search my property without my permission you need a warrant.

Well, yes, you're right.

I would need a warrant if there wasn't a danger to life and limb.

But I'll have you know that Dr Ellingham here was almost k*lled as a result of your leak.

I wasn't almost k*lled but my ceiling did collapse and we think it was caused by a leak in your attic.

If you don't let them in, I will get a warrant and you'll be in big trouble.

If you don't let them in.

When I get the warrant.

It's all useful, you know.

Don't like to waste anything.

Magazines can be turned into logs.

Newspapers are very good for cleaning mirrors.

Useful if you've got a lot of mirrors to clean, I suppose.

Ah, the loft hatch is there.

I'll have to move some stuff to get the ladder up.

So long as you put it back in its proper place.

I thought you were supposed to be helping with the leak.

Right.

It's an awful intrusion, I do apologise.

Oh, just get on with it.

We won't be long, will we? Hello! Jenny? Just a minute! Right, what can I do for you, Bert? Yeah, I know, I've got a little conjunctivitis.

Makes you look like Captain Hook! Yes? I was just strolling by, thought I'd pop in for a chat.

Oh, that's nice! How are you then? Not bad at all.

Oh good.

Could I We got sage oil in yesterday.

Supposed to help with rheumatism.

It's from Turkey.

Have you ever been? Do you travel a lot? Excuse me! My boy Al went on his travels a few years ago.

Some people abroad pick up some nasty habits! Really? That is an interesting titbit! Here, let me have a Stop it, Bert! What are you doing? Morning.

Morning, love.

How can I help? It's a bit personal.

Was that all, Bert? No, not really.

Catch you later.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me I think I'll go and eat worms Big fat juicy ones, incey-wincey skinny ones See how they wriggle and squirm When was that sock last washed? This isn't a sock! This is Mr Wiggles! Isn't Daddy silly? No.

We're going to leave, actually.

You can't! Yes, I can.

We were just starting to enjoy ourselves.

No, we're not.

Yes.

Right, everyone! Oh, nobody likes me Everybody hates me I think I'll go and eat worms Yeah, it's coming from the water t*nk.

I've taped it up.

You'll have to get someone out to fix it.

I will.

Shall we give you a hand moving this stuff back? No, I can manage.

Go.

Now.

OK, now, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

I want everybody to find a baby buddy! Quickly as possible, chop chop! Martin! Doctor Ellingham.

I'll find you a partner.

That won't be necessary.

You and Shona come and baby buddy up with Martin and James! This is how we learn to interact.

And how mummies and daddy make new friends! Hello.

Trace Hunnerford.

You probably don't remember me.

I'm one of your patients.

You have a yeast infection.

Oh my God! You can't say that out loud! What's going on here? Looks like the big people need a lesson from the little people! Haven't you got anything you want to share with each other? Not in front of the kiddies.

Actually there is something I wanted to ask you.

About Shona.

About what? My baby.

Yes? The thing is, she isn't really grabbing hold of things.

Shouldn't she be doing that now? Infants develop at different rates.

Child's probably just backward.

What?! Cheese! Just capturing the magic moment! Oh.

Well, it's nice of James anyway.

Hello! How did it go at Millie's Playtime? Did he enjoy it? Yes.

It's fun, isn't it? Why does everything have to be about having fun? Is that why you've taken his toy and given him a spoon? He's enjoying it just as much.

Really? We should put these in his room now he's not sleeping in ours.

You'd prefer him not to have toys.

No.

Are all of your friends going out with someone? You mean apart from me? That's why I'm here watching telly with you.

Cheers.

No, I just happen to be a bit more choosy than my friends.

No, I mean Are any of your friends available? Oh, right! Tried the internet? Cornish Couples is supposed to be good.

Yeah, I don't think that's for me.

You could always put up a photo from when you were younger.

I could ask around if you like.

Nah.

Well, you could if you felt like it.

Janice is about to dump Gary.

Oh.

Jenny? Are you on dr*gs? What? No! Then why are you wearing an eye patch? I told you yesterday.

Cos I got something wrong with my eye.

Let me have a look.

No! A-ha! What's that supposed to mean? That is all the proof I need, that is.

I am not on dr*gs.

I am hiding my eye cos it looks horrible.

Oh, really? All right, I'll show you.

Just to shut you up and you've got to promise not to pull a face, all right? I promise.

Ooh! Well, that's a face.

What happened to it then? I'm probably just a bit tired or something.

Does it really look that horrible? No! Not really, no.

Honest? Mmm Mr Moysey? Are you all right? I can manage.

Are you sure? Just a bit dizzy.

That's all.

Are you sure you don't need help? No, I don't! Why don't you come and sit down a moment? Fine.

Thank you.

You know, I really think it would be wise for you to see a doctor.

That's where I'm going.

That Millie woman from the Playtime thing brought it round for Louisa! Look at his cute little face! I bet James will grow up to be just like him.

Be quiet! Millie dropped this picture in for Louisa.

What's that doing here? I've got an official request concerning your canine.

Can I have him for a bit? It's not my dog.

Technically you inherited him from Joan.

The thing is, I'm planning on bringing our department into the Just get it out of here! I'll take that as an affirmative.

Don't you want to know what his job's going to be? No! Sniffer dog.

He's good at that! I'm early.

Go through.

Not there.

Sit there.

Yes? Well I've had more of those nose bleeds.

You said they'd go.

I advised you to stop using a nasal spray.

Is it safe to assume you didn't? No, I did.

And er I've been having some dizzy spells.

Feel like I've been run over by a bus.

What does that mean? Be specific.

My joints ache.

At night or during the day? All the time.

It's agony.

How long's it been going on for? Too long.

A couple of weeks.

Why didn't you tell me about it when you came to see me? I thought it would get better.

It got worse.

Which joints ache the most? All of them.

Does that hurt? No.

Have you had a fever recently? No.

Is there a history of joint pain in your family? No.

Have you had any sort of infection? No.

I'll prescribe you anti-inflammatories.

That should help the pain.

Make an appointment to come back in five days.

What happens if I drop dead before then? Then we'll cancel the appointment.

You are now officially a representative of her majesty's police force.

I want you to imagine that this is in fact an escaped criminal.

- Now it's your task to - Stop! It could be armed.

Just a sniff.

Now it's your task to track the felon down.

Stay.

Don't Stay.

Stop! Wait! You're aiding and abetting a criminal! Course, that would have been 1955.

Now takes me half hour to get up the hill.

Yeah.

Frank used to say, that hill is steeper than it used to be.

Joke.

Hmm! He didn't have much of a sense of humour.

Anyway, Frank's not with us any more.

Oh dear.

Not many of us left now.

Scared to pick up a paper in case I see myself in it! You youngsters don't know how good you have it.

Skipping round like larks.

I know.

I'm on the way out myself.

Next patient.

Go on, Mrs Eddy.

Count myself lucky to be here at all.

Don't run off.

Might as well book the buffet now.

I take it you haven't seen too many as old as me.

Which would account for why you're staring.

Take a seat.

I shall be dead in a few months.

What? I just want you to confirm it so I can make my arrangements.

Why do you say that? We got a medical dictionary.

At the tea club.

We all chipped in.

I see.

Got a melanoma.

Under my arm.

The right one.

Fine, sit on the chair.

I can see it.

Take off your jacket.

These buttons might take a few minutes.

Medical dictionary said it's a dark pigment melanoma.

Did it? It's a raised lymph node.

You've got an infection.

So why is it black? What's that? A nicotine patch.

Are you a heavy smoker? What do you think? I got the patch now, haven't I? Get off! Would you remove your plaster, please? Bugger off! Come on.

Leave off or I'll scream! Who do you think you are? Your doctor.

Fine.

Ow! What on earth is that? Do not resuscitate.

In case I have a heart att*ck.

I don't want to be brought back.

You ought to know that.

Yes, I know what the phrase means.

The tattoo is infected.

That's why your lymph node is enlarged.

It has a dark pigment.

It's a melanoma.

No, the ink has entered your lymphatics and accumulated at the node.

So it's not a melanoma? No! The infection's probably caused by an unsterilised needle.

In future I suggest you use a different tattoo parlour.

Them places are for teens! We bought an ink g*n off the internet.

Who's we? Me and Ethel! Tattooed each other.

Ethel were a right wimp about it though.

Well, tell Ethel she needs to come and see me as well.

Tell her yourself! She's through there.

Ethel? That'll be me.

Show me your tattoo.

What? Now, please.

Which one do you want? You've got more than one? Joke.

Ow! Do you want me to help? No.

Bully! It's infected.

I can't believe what you two have done.

Even properly applied tattoos can cause skin conditions.

Not to mention carcinomas, hyperplasia and vasculitis.

Well, we like 'em! Good because they're permanent.

I'll prescribe you some antibiotics for the infection.

Like what you see? How long have you had that? What? That ulcerated lesion on your neck.

I don't know.

It's a rodent ulcer.

What? I'm not surprised.

Her place is a tip.

It's caused by exposure to the sun.

It's not cancer, is it? Yes, it is.

It's not invasive.

I can remove it.

Oh! What are you waiting for? Right.

I'll have a cup of tea while I'm waiting then.

No, she won't.

Al? Yeah! There's nothing wrong with Al.

What's wrong with him? He's Al for a start.

Got a good sense of humour though.

I don't fancy an evening with him no matter how good his jokes are.

Come on, he's a nice bloke.

Yeah but.

Yeah but what? Well, what if it worked out? Yeah? Well, what if we went out, got to know each other and got married and I ended up loving him.

Where would I be then? I'd be married to Al, wouldn't I? There's Daddy and there's James! Just because Daddy isn't smiling doesn't mean Daddy isn't enjoying himself.

Look, Millie dropped this round.

Yes, I know.

At least James looks happy.

It's just not a very flattering angle.

Morning! No matter how many times I look at it it still makes me laugh! Find this Trace and tell her to bring her daughter in.

Can I take my coat off first? Tell her it's urgent.

And good morning to you! Morning.

I think you've had a stroke.

What? Your eye being all peculiar, like.

I don't think so.

I googled droopy eye.

It's either that or you've got a brain tumour.

Stop going on about it! You are going to see the doc as soon as you've had your tea and toast.

He's got bigger fish to fry than me judging by some of the prescriptions I've had to give out.

The stories I could tell but pharmacist's oath and all that.

Jennifer, you'll see the doc and you'll see him today even if I have to carry you on my back.

Argh! Mr Moysey? Mr Moysey? Mr Moysey! Are you all right in there? What's this all about then? Take a seat.

I need to examine little erm Sheba.

Shona.

Yes.

You've thought of a new insult for her, is that it? What are you doing? What's wrong with her? Look at this photograph.

Look at her eyes.

Why? What's wrong with them? One's red, the other one isn't.

So, isn't that just red eye? Yes, exactly.

Something is stopping the flash reflecting in the retina of the other eye.

I think she has a cataract.

A cataract?! In the left eye.

She's too young for that.

No, she's not.

Infantile cataracts are rare but fixable.

She'll need an operation to replace it with an artificial lens.

She'll be all right, though? She'll need a check-up every six months but yes.

Complications are rare.

I'll make an appointment for you at the ophthalmology unit in Truro.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Mr Moysey! Penhale, come and help me get this stuff off him! Try closing it again.

Give me a moment.

I can do this.

You've no idea what caused this? No, it was like this when I woke up.

There's a puncture mark on your forehead.

Strange.

Must be a mosquito or something.

Frown.

OK.

Frown, like this.

Come on.

I am frowning.

You stupid woman.

What? You know exactly why your eyelid's drooping, don't you? I don't You've had Botox injections, haven't you? Well, I've done it before.

And it's always been all right.

You did it yourself? You self-injected a lethal material into your system with no training whatsoever? You're an idiot.

You've completely relaxed the muscle that holds your eyelid.

It will wear off, won't it? Yes, in time but you run the risk of your eye drying out and ulcerating! I didn't think of that.

No, of course you didn't.

Lie down on the examination table.

Going to perform a lateral tarsorrhaphy.

Close the lids up and stop your eye from drying out.

You're going to operate? I'll use Super Glue.

We don't stitch them any more.

It's a standard medical tool.

Next time you feel inclined to inject poison into your system, find a qualified practitioner.

Would you be prepared No, of course not! When the Botox has worn off I'll remove the glue and your eye should operate as normal.

What? Doc, Ruth needs you.

Now.

Are you sure you're not in pain? You mean worse than usual? We just pulled you out from under a mountain of newspapers.

The least you could do is be polite.

Sorry.

This your wife? She d*ed? How long ago? Couple of years.

My sister d*ed about the same time.

Not long after that you found yourself unable to throw anything away.

Yes.

Got the tea on.

Couldn't find a kettle then three turn up at once.

Thank you, Penhale.

Let us know when it's ready.

Next to the kettle was what looked like a mummified cat.

Penhale? Yes? Please.

Oh, right.

Yes, I'll go and do those things.

Well, I'm sure some of this stuff is useful.

Eleanor could find a use for anything.

Your wife? Mmm.

She never wasted a thing.

So you lost everything in a short space of time? After that you couldn't bear to throw anything away, could you? Egg boxes, glass jars.

Elastic bands.

What's happened? Well, I had a dizzy spell and Everything went dark.

What do you mean? You lost your vision? Buried under an avalanche of newspapers.

When did you last eat something? Breakfast.

Spaghetti hoops? Eleanor did all the cooking.

I never learnt properly.

Do you only eat tinned food? No fruit or vegetables? I don't like fruit and vegetables.

Unbutton your shirt.

It's OK, everything's under control! Idiot.

You had any chest pain? No.

What are all these bruises? Some of the cardboard boxes are very heavy.

Some of them fell on me.

What are you doing? I'm not a horse! I need to look in your mouth.

Yes, your gums.

They're all raw and bleeding.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Yes.

Don't panic.

I'm all right.

What is it? You've got scurvy.

I didn't know you sailed.

It's a vitamin C deficiency, Penhale.

The consequence of sticking to a diet with little nutritional value.

I didn't know you could get scurvy in this day and age.

You'll need regular doses of ascorbic acid, citrus and vitamin C tablets and stop eating rubbish.

It could be Mr Moysey's depression led to a lack of interest in food and therefore to his illness.

It's also possible the illness led to the depression.

I am here, you know.

Shush.

Either way, the man is depressed.

Mr Moysey, you need help.

Martin will refer you to a qualified practitioner.

Won't you, Martin? Yes.

Drink for the lady? For the stupid old fool, you mean? I don't think there's any cause for you to go on injecting yourself with that stuff.

Here's to a fine-looking woman.

If you don't mind my saying so.

Well, I was once, wasn't I? A long time ago now.

Enough of that talk.

You're the best-looking pirate I've ever seen! You still look at me the way you did all those years ago.

I think I always will.

Well, they do say that beauty's in the eye of the beholder, right? And I like what I see! Thank you.

Dinner's in a few minutes.

Yes, I'll be right through.

Here's Daddy! Making a sauce with the anchovies but leaving out the anchovies.

Thank you.

Oh.

Trace from Millie's Playtime was saying nice things about you.

I still need that.

I've just tidied those things away.

I'm sorry.

There's no point, it's only going to get messy again.

You should clean as you go.

Oh, really, should I? Martin, those don't go Yes.

I know.

I was just Why don't you sit down and give James his supper? He'd like that.

Hiya! I took these home with me to iron.

I wanted to watch the cycling on satellite.

Thanks, Mike, just pop them over there.

Right, er Martin, do you want olives? No, thank you! I've made a list of what you're running low on.

Baby wipes, bath wash, cotton wool, Q-tips.

That's great.

Just pop it there.

Fine.

Is Doctor Ellingham free? No.

But Hello, Doctor.

Living off my wits is nothing new.

Survival experts don't need mobile phones.

Just their intelligence.

I met her on a dating website.

You use usernames instead of your real ones.

What did you call yourself then? Colin.