03x05 - It's Karma, Dude!

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

PANGBORN:
As we stand here
on the eve of dedicating

our Conway Deever-Dowd-
Dodd Memorial Auditorium,

I'd like thank those
who made possible

this stunning achievement
in engineering imagination.

Not quite sure how
the fire drills will work,

but golly hey,
she's a beauty, eh?

[ polite applause]

On a personal note, I'd like
to thank the Board of Education

for putting me in charge
of the opening festivities,

An Evening with the Arts.

Apparently the board felt
"a little nervous"[ audience tittering]

about my idea, "An Evening
of Pile Drivers and Leg Locks."

[ laughing]Apparently providing years

of wholesome family
entertainment isn't good enough,

but I'm honored, really.

[ laughing]

Phil... we'll
get in trouble.

As president of
the Audiovisual Club,

I have certain
responsibilities.

Aw, no one knows
we're up here--
chill.

Oh-ho, watch this.

[ laughter continues]

PANGBORN:
As producer, I'll be looking
for one lucky student

to sing the first-ever song
from our new stage.

Sing?

PANGBORN:
Anyone interested in performing

can sign up on the creative arts
bulletin board.

Thank you.

[ laughter and applause]

Hmm...

ANGELICA:
Excuse me.

Excuse me...
Move it!

[ stammering]

Hi...

Hi.

[ gasps and moans]

Hey, Angelica, looks like
this'll be your big break,

if you win the audition.

"If"?!

As if.

Yeah, what
about Susie?

She's the best voice
in the school.

Well, she's away
at her grandma's

helping her
with her hip replacement.

So it's
her tough break!

You weren't going
to call her?

Tell you what-- I'll call her
when I get home.

Why don't you
call her now?

You have
a cell phone.

It's out of juice.

[ cell phone ringing]

All right, all right,
I'll call her now.

[ phone begins ringing]

SUSIE [ on recording, rapping]:
The Carmichaels
aren't in the house

So leave a message and what's up

And at the tone,
you leave your phone

And we'll be able to catch up--
word.

ANGELICA:
Hi, it's Ange...

[ electrical crackling,
machine plays gibberish]

Anyway, babe, there's this
big show at the new auditorium,

but you have to sign up
by tomorrow,

so call me right away.

[ machine playing gibberish]

Satisfied?
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to figure out
what I'll sing

for the opening night...
oh, audition that is.

[ humming tune]

[ chuckling]

I can't believe
we got away with that--

it's totally wicked.

I say
a hula skirt

would've gotten
a bigger laugh.

Let it go, Philip.

CHUCKIE:
Whoever said Audiovisual Club
wasn't cool

never rocked with me.

[ woman weeping loudly]

Uh-oh...

Oh, children!

Don't look
at my shame.

Uh, something wrong,
Ms. O'Keats?

It's blank.

[ screeches]

No one signed up for my "Rhythm
of Art" performance piece.

This is what held me back
from the stage.

Gee, I'm sure
someone will
sign up.

Oh, no--

teenagers are
too caught up
in popular culture

to be enchanted by true art.

They wouldn't move their keister
to see ballet for anything!

Teenagers can be
stuck-up sometimes.

Right, guys?

Yeah.

You bet.

Then... you know.

My, you're not a teenager,
are you, Chuckie?

Yes! You'd be perfect for my
movement and spoken-word piece.

I can see it now--
you three in costumes...

or better yet,
unitards.

You'll celebrate the human form.

My human form?

In front of the whole school?!

Thank you, my children.

We shall make art together
simply for the beauty of art.

ANGELICA:
I got it! I'm a star!

I'm a... Susie?

Too bad no one called me

to let me know
about the sign-ups.

But I left
a message.

Didn't you get it?No, I didn't.

I know you,
Angelica,

you'd do anything to claw
your way to the middle.

I'm offended.

I even volunteered
to sign you up.

If you don't
believe me, ask...[ yells]

him.

Did she call me about
the audition sign-up?

Yeah, she did,
I heard her.

I don't want
to get hurt here.

Gee, I didn't
think...

My parents did say

our machine has been blinky.

I'm really sorry.

I know you'll do just great.

Can you forgive me?

I'll try
to work through it, somehow.

[ laughing]

I'm telling you people,

see a teacher cry,
seven years' bad luck.

It's karma, man.

Isn't it obvious?

Nothing's obvious
to me, Dil.

Karma's this cool Eastern
philosophy that says

if you do good things,
good things happen to you

and if you bad things,
bad things happen.

And I for one believe it.

You also believe
aliens live in your
mashed potatoes.

Only the instant kind.

See, you guys were messing
around with Pangborn

during the assembly;

this is how the
metaphysical world repaid you.

By stuffing my butt
in a unitard?!

Why me, why?

Forget it.

Karma has nothing to do
with that whack job O'Keats

and her stupid
performance piece.

[ splat]

[ cawing]

It's karma, dude.

[ alarm clock buzzing]

♪ I'm a diva of the nth degree

♪ So get out of my way
and just let me be ♪

♪ You can search every corner
of this country ♪

♪ And never find
a sister like... ♪

[ screams]

[ moans]

See you.

Don't you look nice!

Have an effective
day, dear!

[ girls greeting Angelica]

Hello.

[ grunting]

[ groaning]

[ yells]

[ crying]

[ grunts]

Hey, Ange,
heard you snagged

the big solo
at the show.

I'll be running
your follow spot.

My what?

Your spotlight.

I'll be backstage

shining , kilowatts
on your every rocking move.

It's brighter than the sun.

Brighter than the sun?
Wow.

Something wrong
with your face?

No!

I mean, nothing a blowtorch
wouldn't cure.

Look, I got to go-- see you.

[ sobbing]

[ banging drum]

Where there is breath,
there is art!

Elemental, like fire...

And chimes.

Oh, yeah.

[ chimes tinkle]

Next.

Or breaking wind in the trees.

[ snickering]

Uh, Ms. O'Keats,
about this line...

Don't lose the moment, Charles.

[ grunts, thumps drum,
chimes tinkle]

[ imitating wind]

[ grunting and groaning]

Ow, you're pinching me.

Move your hand!

I can't.
[ Lil yells]

ANGELICA:
Zit Stopper, Zit No More-
Zit-B-Gone.

Concealing cream,
consoling cream.

Benzochloricdexasulfamide
cream, gentle formula.

Smooth and Creamy Face.

Make Your Friends
Green with Envy Face.

Which one?

Which one?!

This performance
will make

throwing up peas
on the field trip bus

look like a picnic.

You have to quit it.

How?
You can't tell a teacher no.

They have the power,
and I can't fight the man.

[ struggling]

I can't even get
my jacket closed.

Make up an excuse.

Like you're allergic to your
own sweat or someone else's.

[ Chuckie groans]

This whole thing
is ruining my life!

[ both grunt]

Zit Zonker?

What is this stuff?

Oh...

Go ahead, gawk.

I know what you're thinking.

There it is--
Mount Zitmore!

The Empire Zit Building!

The Leaning Tower of Pizza-face!

We're not thinking
that at all,
Angelica.

It isn't even that bad.

Really?

Really.

PHIL:
Man, Angelica!

Look at that thing!

Back off, everybody!

It's ready to blow!

[ Phil chuckling]

[ groaning]

See?
And my big solo's
in two days.

I can't believe this
is happening to me.

Karma?

Karma.

Karma...

What's karma?

TOMMY:
It's payback

for something
mean and selfish
you've recently done...

or did...
or are going to do.

Me?!

I haven't done anything
that's mean or selfish.

Someone can get you for that?

DIL:
Not someone,

but the whole cosmic realm.

I should have guessed
this was your idea, alien boy.

Where do you get this baloney?

Books.

The library.

I'm yawning.

Look, my karma--
if I have one--
is just as good

as any of yours,

maybe better.

[ gasps]

[ grunts]

[ meekly]:
Oh! I have bad karma.

Aah!

Listen up, karma king.

I have to sing in front
of the student body

and I can't do it wearing
the Washington Monu-zit!

Get me some major karma!

Whoa. Doesn't work
that way.

You can't fix problem
skin with karma.

Try astringent.

Why not?

I did something bad
and I woke up with this!

Just undo the bad thing you did.

And lose my big solo?

You arecrazy.

Tell me what to do
to get my hands
on some karma

and I'll do it.

Uh... be a good person?

Okay, excellent,
I'm on it.

I need specifics.

Okay.

See Ryan Rodriguez?

DIL:
Tell him he looks good
in his bolo tie.

And risk
social ridicule?

I was voted
biggest sl*ve to fashion.

I couldn't.

All right, watch me.

Hey, Ryan,
ace accoutrement!

How'd you do that?

Do what?

That light-glow-warmth thing.

That's the fuzzy
feeling you get
when you do good

or when you clean
out your ear

with a Cheez Doodle.

Oh, brother.

So, how do you know
it's working,

that you're racking up
karmic swag?

You don't.

You just know
you've done a good thing.

Okay, now me.

Hey.

Have a Cheez Doodle.

Oh! You couldn't look
more... human.

I'm soproud!

[ honks nose and sobs]

That's it,
we're getting out of this.

You with me, Phil?

[ groaning]:
Oh.

[ panting]

Feel anything?

Just back pain.

[ growls]

Don't even ask.

Hey! That was mine.

[ wind whistles]

[ crying]

Let me give you
some kind of reward.

No, no.

It's reward enough

knowing little Bocce
is back with the child
who loves him.

[ thunder crashes]

ANGELICA:
It's not fair!

I should get extra credit
for doing good deeds

because I don't
enjoy them.

That makes sense
in a twisted Martian-logic way.

Now can you explain
light-years to me?

It does?

Then with all the karmic
goodies I've done today,

tomorrow I should be
looking like my old self--

beautiful, talented
and perfect!

And she thinks I'm
two eggs short of a frittata.

[ alarm clock buzzing]

♪ I'm a diva
of the nth degree ♪

♪ So get out of my way
and just... ♪

[ gasps]

[ screams]

There she is.

Okay, Finster,
you can do it.

O'KEATS:Charles!

Why aren't you somewhere
centering yourself?

Uh... Ms. O'Keats,

about the performance
tonight...

um, Phil, Lil and I feel...
well...

maybe we're not,
you know, um...

ready to do this.

Oh?

[ quietly]:
Just lay it on her, quick.

[ groans]

Okay, that's not
a good sign.

[ groans]

That's it, he's down.

Oh.

The good news is
I got us a guaranteed encore.

[ quavers]

No!

[ sobbing]:
No!

It's okay, Lillian.

We'll get through this.

Hey, Ange.

[ moaning]:
Oh...

[ sobbing]

[ gasping]

[ circus music playing]

Step right up, ladies and gents.

See the world's
biggest zit.

The pustule of all pustules--
not for the faint of heart.

Just one nickel.

Step right up.

[ people laugh and cackle]

[ cackling]

EMCEE:
Pickles!

Listen, Pickles--

the aboriginal dancers
from Bora Bora
are having a fit

because we didn't
put bottled water
in their dressing rooms.

So be ready
in ten minutes.

And lose the bandages.

This is no time to set
some crazy fashion trend!

Susie!

These are for you.

I felt so bad
accusing you of lying.

I thought
you'd like them.

Oh!

[ sobs]

Oh, Susie,
I didlie!

I knew your machine broke.

I should have
called again.
I'm sorry.

I don't know why
I do these things,

but now I'm being
punished for it
with this.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Whoa, man, those are
some honkers!

I can't go on
like this.

Please, would
you do the solo?

Please!

I don't know.

It would serve you right

to have to go on stage
with Mount Zit-suvius.

But... it wouldn't be
good karma.

So...

Thank you. Thank you!

You know about karma?

Sure--
doesn't everybody?

CHUCKIE [ dramatically]:
Where there is art,
there is life.

[ flute plays primal tune]Elemental... like fire.

[ grunting like chimp
and drumming]

[ chimes tinkle]

[ flute plays primal tune]

[ audience laughing]

[ banging drum]

Or... breaking wind
in the trees.

[ yelps]

[ all three shout]

[ audience laughs and applauds]

I'd like to thank Ms. O'Keats

for that enchanting
performance piece.

And for our final performance,
one of our most gifted students,

Miss Susie Carmichael.

[ orchestra plays slow,
contemplative melody]

♪ Look in the mirror,
tell me what I see ♪

♪ All of the things
that I could be ♪

♪ Empty page in an open book

♪ So color me so vividly.

♪ I'm a wave in the ocean,
the sunset on the sea ♪

♪ All the power of the mountains
is the force that lives in me ♪

♪ The fire in the dragon
to fill an empty heart ♪

♪ Not so sure where I'm going

♪ But this is where I start...

[ music ends]

[ applause and cheering]

[ laughing]

There you are!

Oy.
Oh, no.

Let us go.

I know
you probably want
to dash out of here

because you're embarrassed
by tonight's performance.

"Humiliated" is more like it.

I know, and it's all my fault;
I should've rehearsed you more.

I'll know better for the spring
arts festival next week.

[ all groan]

But the truth is,

you kids stuck with me
when no one else did,

and for that I will
always remember you.

Oh, honey,
what happened?

Stage fright get you?

No-- these.

Well, no one would have
noticed a little...

Oh, who am I kidding?

There isn't enough
cover-up in the world.

Are you okay?

Actually, I'm better than that.

I made a lot of people
happy tonight,

and it felt really...
well, good.

Oh, that's my girl!

Tomorrow I'll call
my dermatologist.

Man's a genius.

You can go to a doctor
for these things?

Karma has nothing to do
with them?

You can't get them
from being bad?

Of course not.

Who gave you a silly idea
like that?

Dil! You're a dead man.

SUSIE:
Whoa! Man,
those are some honkers!