03x06 - The Big Score

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

ANGELICA:
No. No.

Too blah.

Too dorky.

Pea green stripes?
No way.

SUSIE:
Polyester? Get it off me!

I want that
"I don't care" look,

but these jeans look
like they totally care.

[ gasps]

What's wrong?

When did those three
all get boyfriends?

SUSIE:
They're just walking in a group.

No, they're walking
in pyramid formation,

which means
they're definitely hooked up.

If they have
boyfriends,

I need one,
too.

But the boys our age
are all so immature.

What's love got
to do with it?

It's about
accessorizing--

without a boyfriend,

I won't even
be allowed

a chair at the end table.

What do you think
about these jeans, Lil?

Lil?

I think I'm out of here.

Don't you guys ever get tired of
shopping and talking about boys?

Uh-uh.
Nope.
No way.

DIL:
Set me up with
half a sticky bun,

sansthe sticky.

Camera adds ten pounds.

You're a mascot--
you'll be covered up.

But I'm using the opportunity

to give our endangered brothers
their day in the sun.

And there's a certain
pygmy grasshopper

I'd rather not offend
with a saggy bum.

Phil? I thought
you were training.

Chili cheese dogs are
a soccer staple--

for gassing up.

What better way to clear
the field and score?

[ boys all laughing]

That's disgusting.

How else are we going to break
a four-season losing streak?

I'll be front and center, Phil.

I'll even roll vid
for the Sports Channel.

[ growling]

TOMMY:
Or the Animal Channel.

[ belches]

[ boys all laughing]

Pretty ripe, huh?

Don't you guys ever get tired

of talking about sports
and bodily functions?

[ belches]

[ boys all laughing
and applauding]

[ playing sprightly tune]

♪ Some folks call it Missour-i,
some Missour-a ♪

♪ Where the land's so flat,
you'll never need a sherpa! ♪

♪ If you leave now,
I'll have no one. ♪

♪ Missouri, Missouri

♪ They call it
the "Show Me" State ♪

♪ Not half as neat
as New York City ♪

♪ But it's still
my favorite place. ♪

♪ Cruel, cruel girl

♪ How dare you abandon me?

♪ Please stay or I'll wither up
and die slowly. ♪

[ piano notes crashing
disharmoniously]

♪ 'Cause there ain't no state
that's quite like my Missouri. ♪

[ song ends]

[ applauding alone]

LIL:
I'm sorry, I lost track of time.

Held hostage
by a cheesy piano
player at the mall?

Lamest excuse I ever heard.

But, Mom, it's the truth.

I was just trying
to find something to do.

So you decide to show up
two hours late

and scare me half to death?

It's just... you're so busy,
I didn't think you'd notice.

Everything around here
is always soccer,
soccer, soccer.

Dad, can you put on
the Soccer Channel?

Lil, every season
I invite you
to join the team.

That's your thing with Phil.

Oh... forget it.

How about we squeeze in
some Lil time tomorrow, huh?

After practice we can have
a girls' night out.

We're not shopping
for bras, are we?

That's your father's department.

[ gasps]

Psych! That's what you get

for worrying me.

KIMI:
What's with the getup?

I'm going shopping...
for a boyfriend--

preferably years of age
or older, with a pulse.

[ dully]:
How romantic.

Hey!
Hey!

sh**t!

Hey, boys, what you doing?

I said what are you doing?!

We're trying to play a game,
but you're in our way.

Oh!

That worked
out well.

Put a lid on it,
Carmichael.

COACH:
Wally, eye on the ball!

Eye on the ball!

No! No! No!

You have to keep your eyes
straight ahead and feelit.

[ blows whistle]

You ever heard of
the word "assistant"?

It means you zip it
while I do the coaching.

BETTY:
Lil, watch out!

[ kids talking excitedly]

Lil, this is Wally,
our team captain.

Yo, what up?

Savage save there.

So, you going to join practice
or what?

Oh, I'm not really
a soccer-type person.

But, hey, anything's better
than conjugating verbs, right?

Time to work
on penalty sh*ts, people!

[ softly]:
Because heaven knows
you need it.

Lil, get in goal.

In what?

Just get in the box--

that thing with the net--
and catch.

[ grunts]

[ grunts]

[ laughs]

[ groans]

[ kids laughing]

Didn't feel it.

Go, team!

What the Sam Heck
are you supposed to be?

A flat-spired
three-tooth snail.

Mascots are supposed to be...

you know, carnivores!

I think you and I
both know

those animals get
way too much face time.

Do me a favor,

just try something
a little less... repulsive.

[ cheering]

Whoa, what a move!

Did Phil finally get
a piece of the ball?

Nope, not Phil-- Lil.

Wow, Lil's amazing.

And that's
a good thing, right?

For Lil-- not
so sure about Phil.

[ groans]

[ laughs]

PHIL:
Oh, oh,

and when I'm, uh,
taking a penalty kick,

I always aim straight
for the goalie's head.

He'll duck.

And that works?

Totally.

It doesn't sound legit,
but who cares, right?

And, uh, now
that you're part

of the DeVille
soccer dynasty...

I'm passing these
on to you.

My lucky cleats.

That's weird--
they don't even smell.

That's why
they're lucky.

Wow. Thanks.

BETTY:
Is that
the overhead light

you just smashed
to smithereens?!

Yeah...

You're putting
too much spin on ball.

Come at it from the side,
not the bottom.

[ laughing]

ANGELICA:
This place is crawling

with "accessories."

[ video games whirring
and bleeping]

Ooh, good game.

[ groans]

What is wrong
with these people?

A gorgeous girl
standing right
in front of them

and I may as well
be invisible.

[ sighs]

Susie, the time
has come

for me to lower
my standards.

A lot.

To the computer store.

[ keyboard keys clacking]

Hehe, you're pretty.

[ gasps]

I can't!

I can't!

And just because we've lost
every single game... ever...

doesn't mean that today

we can't lose
by a little bit less.

Wally, you're
center forward.

Lil, right forward.

Phil, you're midfielder.

Everyone else, go out there

and pretend like
you're playing soccer.

Phil, do you ever get

that kind of sick,
about-to-throw-up feeling
before a game?

You'll be fine, Lil.

And if you've got to hurl,
do it by their goal.

Another winning strategy
from Phil DeVille.

[ crowd applauding]

[ blows whistle]

[ kids panting and groaning]

CHUCKIE:
Uh, Phil's pretty good...

isn't he?

He never stops
running after the ball,

and he moves his arms
around a lot.

But has he ever scored

or made actual contact
with the ball?

He does wave his arms
around a lot.

Yeah.Definitely.

Good arm waver.

Give it up, Ang.

You're not going
to find a boyfriend

with binoculars.

[ gasps]

What is it? Is he cute?

Ooh...

Lil, just kick it!

Kick it anywhere!

[ grunts]

[ whistle blows]

[ cheering]

Sweet!

Way to go!Way to go,
girl!

[ groans]

Ha!

[ kicks ball, whistle blows]

[ crowd cheers]

Aah!

[ applause and cheering]

[ whistle blows, crowd gasps]

[ whistle blows, crowd cheers]

I love this game!

♪ I do! I do!
I do, I do, I do. ♪

[ cheering continues]

BOY:
All right, Lil!

Good game!
Good game!
Good game!

Uh...

Game?

ANGELICA:
Do you see that?

Lil's surrounded
by boys!

That's it!

Sports-- it's
a guy magnet.

I just need a sport.

You're forgetting
one itsy-bitsy detail:

You have no athletic
ability whatsoever.

Yeah, but that sure
doesn't stop Phil.

[ steam hissing]

Ow, so hot!

Ow, ow.

So, Lil, have your
teammates erected

a statue
in your honor yet?

Yeah, right.

Well, they
should, girl.

You handed them their
first victory ever.

Are you guys talking about me?

Why would we talk about you?

[ laughs nervously]

Unless we were talking about
what a good game you had.

Man, it feels so good to finally
find something I love.

I dare you--
punch my stomach.

I won't even feel it.

Go on,
punch my stomach-- go on.

I'll do it.

[ sighs]

Lil's ego is so huge
it needs its own ZIP code.

Phil, your team won
for the first time ever.

Shouldn't you be happy?

I amhappy, but
everyone's acting

like we only won
because of Lil.

What's the big D?

She's good, but she's
not better than me.

Right, Chuckie?

Ow, ow, ow!

[ grunts]

[ shouts]

You're supposed to aim it
at my racket, you moron!

[ shouts]

[ crowd cheering]

PHIL:
Over here, Lil!

I'm wide open!

[ whistle blows]

[ cheering, air horn blows]

We won!

Why didn't you
kick it to me?

You weren't open.

I was so open I had
a welcome mat on my head.

You are so lame, Lillian!

Oh, Phil's
out of control.

Last week he welcomes me
to the wonderful
world of soccer,

gives me his lucky--

and amazingly odor-free--
cleats,

but since then, he's been
completely hostile.

I don't get it.

Tell me
the truth.

Do I have helmet hair?

More like
helmet brain.

You're trying out
for football?

Are you whack?

Look, I know it's stupid,

but I tanked at everything else,
so this is my last sh*t.

If I fail, I'll have to come
clean with Savannah

and reserve my star
on the Loser Walk of Fame.

[ with British accent]:
I don't care
what me mum says.

I'm going to play
until the day I die.

[ kisses loudly]

[ ball lightly tapping]

Chuckie, will you tell
that person

who's hitting the ball
around to knock it off?

Chuckie, tell the jerk
to turn the volume up
on the TV

if it bothers him
so much!

[ groans]

Hey, this is
my soccer game tape.

Cool!

No, wait--
that has to be edited.

[ whistle blows]

[ whistle blows]

LIL [ on TV]:
Yeah!

[ crowd cheering on TV]

[ sighs]

[ chuckling flatly]:
Hey, let's watch it again.

[ horn honks]

[ ball pops]

Lil, get your junk
out of my room!

She's returning them.
She quit the team.

[ yawning]

[ knock at door]

I know you feel
bad for Philly,

but you're too good
to quit.

In all my years of coaching,

I have never seen anybody
with your talent.

You're way off base, Mom.

I've had a soccer-free life
for ten years.

Obviously, I can live
without it.

[ groaning]

GHOSTLY VOICE:
Play... you know you want to.

Just one little pass and sh**t.

No!

I told you!

I'm never playing again!

[ ghostly voices saying "play"]

[ "play" echoing]

I won't play.

I won't!

[ groaning]

[ whistle blowing]

[ players grunting]

[ whistle blowing]

You expect to be
on junior junior varsity

with no upper-body strength?

[ blows whistle]

You're the coach!

Why don't you show me
how it's done?!

Put your money
where your big,
fat mouth is!

That's some squawk box
you got on you, Pickles.

Any chance
you'd be interested

in a student
coaching position?

Hmm...

[ whistle blowing]

[ Coach sobbing]

How can Lil do this to me?

To us?

Sometimes you got
to let them

make their own choices.

[ sobbing]

You should shave
your neck.

Get that frog
out of my face!

But there are only
a few yellow spotted
tree frogs in existence.

And there's about
to be one less.

[ shouts in fear]

[ grunting]

[ kids cheering]

[ sobbing]

As team captain,
I order you

to get your sister
back on the team.

I can't tell her what to do.

We're playing Kirkwood
Heights tomorrow.

If you don't talk her into
playing, we're history.

Let me bottom-line it
for you, DeVille.

Stop thinking
about yourself,

and start thinking
about the team.

[ crickets chirping]

[ static hissing]

[ whistle blows; cheering]

[ cheering from TV]

[ shuts off TV]

Tell me the truth!

Who's a better soccer player,

me or Lil?

She's better, isn't she?

Isn't she?

Mom, Dad, please
don't make me choose!

Answer me.

She's really good,
isn't she?

Yes.

Good?
She's great.

Beyond great,
like scary great.Shh!

She could go pro.

He asked.

[ sighs]

It's so unfair.

Soccer's always been my thing.

Yeah, but if you were
the one with the gift,

I seriously doubt

Lil would want you
to stop playing.

Yeah, yeah,
I guess you're right.

Look at the bright side:
If she goes pro,

she'll only make ten percent
of what the guys make.

[ softly]:
Not helping.

[ Lil straining]

Thought you were bored
with soccer.

I'm just putting
the ball in storage.

[ straining]

We're playing
Kirkwood,

and we'll never b*at
them without you.

I don't get it.

You're mad at me
when I play

and mad at me
when I don't.

Guess it kind of...
bugged me

that you were so good
and I'm just... okay.

You're more than okay.

You just need to focus,

not put so much spin
on the ball.

I didn't come in here
for advice, Lillian.

[ straining]

I know
it's tough for you.

I didn't ask for this.

I almost wish... I was lame.

I almost wish
you were lame, too.

[ furniture crashing]

Hallelujah.

Well, from the size
of that big, old smile,

I'm guessing you scored
yourself a boyfriend.

I recently discovered
there are better things in life

than sacking a guy...

[ blows whistle]

You call that
a practice?

Looked more like
a cotillion to me!

Now, shower up,
you lazy bums!

Getting to boss them around.

[ whistle blows, Coach groans]

Shake it off, kids.

We're only down by one.

We can still win.

Who's going down?

Kirkwood!

[ cheering]

This one's working
for me, Pickles.

Good choice.

Thank you, sir.

You can never go wrong
with a northern hairy-
nosed baboon.

[ whistle blows]

[ cheering]

[ crowd gasps]

[ cheering]

Oh... seconds to go.

[ grunting]

Over here, Lil!

You can do it, Phil!

Nail that sucker!

[ whistle blows]

[ cheering, air horn blows]

[ cheering]

Sweet-- that is
the way to play 'er!

Phil, you scored
the winning goal!

I only did it because
you said I could.

Thanks, Sis.

Anytime, Phil.

[ laughing]

[ crowd cheering]

PHIL [ chuckling flatly]:
Hey, let's watch it again.