04x07 - In The Family's Way

[bunniefuu]

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

ANGELICA:
In Hawaii...

and I want a different
spa treatment every day

while I'm in Hawaii.

And make sure you book me in
for sea kayaking lessons.

I want to experience it all

when I'm
in Hawaii.

I guess Angelica's
going to Hawaii.

Oh, you heard?

People in Hawaii heard.

What did you expect?

She can't stick it
in our faces

unless she's loud.

Nice try,
Angelica,

but we see right
through you.

Yeah, we know you're just
trying to rub in our faces

that you're going
to Hawaii.

You?! Please!

I've got bigger faces
to rub it in.

Them.

Angelica.

Brianna, quit
hiding on me, girl.

Oh, so you're going
to Hawaii.

Cancún seems so over.

I'm impressed.

Don't forget
to book a room

overlooking
the lifeguard stand.

Thanks for
the tip, babe.
Did you see that?

Brianna and I are
practically like this.

Soon you'll be
nothing in my eyes.

Now I'm off to shop for clothes
for clothes shopping in Hawaii.

What do you mean
we're not going to Hawaii?!

Sweetie, you know
Mommy has to spend
the next few weeks

shaking the money tree

to raise capital
for her venture.

We'll go next year.

I promise.

DREW:
Hon, I can't find the car keys!

Oh, did you try the...

Right, the car.

Your father and I
have to meet some
investors for dinner.

You can order out

after you pick up
all this stuff.

First no Hawaii,
now I'm the maid!

[ groaning]

[ crickets chirping]

CHARLOTTE:
Do you know what
college costs these days?

You wouldn't
want Susie

at anything less
than Ivy League.

The Dummy Bears movie
I wrote,

Dummy and Dummier,
really didn't catch on.

You see? You can't afford
not to invest in my venture.

What exactly is it?

The cost structure is just
too complicated to go into,

but it's big--
bigger than foldable eyewear.

That is big.

[ refrigerator door thumps]

Yeah, saw you lick the spoon
and put it back.

Got to set the table,
Susie Cutie--

family rule.

[ groans]

How do you get them
to behave like that?

Years of practice
and a well-planned chore chart.

And to think
Angelica's only chore

will be to stop whining
about Hawaii.

I guess if things
ever get really bad,

you can always send her
over here.

I'll keep that in mind.

If you'll sign here,

here, here, here, here,

and don't forget
to initial here.

[ crickets chirping]

[ Drew humming tune]

Dad, I'm going out.

Righty-o, Princess.

Just where do you
think you're going?

It's :
on a school night.

Clubbing.

I was denied Hawaii,
which means I deserve

at least six
broken curfews.

Let's face it,
I'm owed.

Credit card, please,
and don't wait up.

Owed?

You don't know
how easy you have it.

Now, you march yourself up
to your room!

Ooh, this house bites!

[ groans]

[ door slams,
electricity crackles]

I was joking.

Well, I'm not.

This girl

has to appreciate
what she has.

It's just not
a good time.

Elisa and Ty

are here
with the baby.

Tight quarters-- even better.

It's time
Angelica learned to share.

A week
should do it.

A week with
Angelica?

Absolutely not.

In exchange for a free % stake
in Charlotte Pickles Limited.

Well, just don't stand there.

Come on in.

Let's see how you like it

at someone else's house
for a while.

Treat her like one
of your own.

ANGELICA:
I'll be just fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
which way is my suite?

Well, what the...

[ groaning]

Sorry about having
to share, girls.

Lights out in .

Share?!
Share?!

What is going on here?

ANGELICA:
My mother thinks

that after living
with you,

I'll come crawling
back home.

Well, I've got news
for her.

I can survive
anywhere.

So, where's your
ionic steam iron?

And these sheets better be
thread count.

You won't last hours
in this family.

Oh, really? Just watch me.

And I'll be needing
all of the closet.

[ clock ticking]

[ alarm buzzing]

[ yelps]

Rise and shine!

I've got first-period gym,

so just make it
decaf latte,

fresh grapefruit juice
and poached egg whites.

Your princess days
are over,

and by the way,

last one out of bed
has to make all of them--

family rule.

[ alarm still buzzing]

[ gasps]

You snooze, you lose,
Peaches-- family rule.

Oh!

Hey, I was
here first.

But the line's
always this way.

And last one
in the bathroom

has to clean the toilet--
family rule.

[ groans]

ANGELICA:
You can start me off
with grapefruit juice--

fresh-squeezed
is good,

organic is even better.

You'll start
with orange juice,

reconstituted.

But I...

You get what you get

and don't get upset--
family rule.

Fine.

How about sending
the grub this way?

What's the magic word?

"Now."

Dad, Angelica didn't pass

the politeness.

We say "please"
and "thank you"

around here, young
lady-- family rule.

Another family rule?

And you don't complain
about family rules--

family rule.

Well, let me lay down
a couple of my rules.

First off,
I'm not a morning person,

so I don't get up before :
on a school day.

Secondly, I don't clean
toilets, ever!

Then I guess you
don't get breakfast.

[ giggling]

Hey, I was going
to eat that!

Now let me lay down
a few rules.

You are not a guest.

You are part
of the family,

and in this family

no one is any more important
than any other.

[ groans]

The school bus is coming!

Hello! Do I look like
I'm ready for school?

You're going to have
to drive me.

And this brown-bagging
is cute

in a vintage kind of way,
but I buy my lunch.

It's not vintage
in this house,

and I don't drive anyone
to school.

You take the bus.

Anything else I need to know
about this prison?

Yep, last one at the table
clears it.

Family rule.

But I already made
all the stupid beds.

[ giggling]

[ gasps]

[ cooing]

[ groans]

[ giggling]

Wait!

[ yelps]

And then my niece oatmealed her!

[ group laughing]

So what you're really saying

is Uncle Drew and Aunt Charlotte
are childless.

That is so sad.

Their house must echo
like their hearts.

Don't worry.

It won't be for long.

I give her till
the end of the day

before she totally
caves in defeat.

I think you might be
wrong there.

Hey, it's not like
I want her to win,

but trust me,
I know my cousin.

She's a lot tougher
than she looks.

She stuck her head
in the freezer for two hours

to catch a cold so
she could get out of a test.

I'm with Tommy.

I say she lasts.

We all agree Angelica
always gets what she wants.

But only when she's
playing by her rules.

This time she's got
to follow the Carmichaels'.

Definite handicap.

Totally.

However,
if you care

to make a friendly
wager...

All right, if Angelica
survives the week,

you have to clip
my toenails for a month.

Deal, but if Angelica
bails early,

you have to comb my hair
for lice.

ALL:
Eww!

You are so going
to lose.

[ gasping]:
Last one... had to...
clear table...

missed bus... ran here.

[ moans]

Your comb or mine?

[ drips plunking slowly]

Drew, do you
hear that?

Is it silence?

I'd forgotten
how quiet it can be.

Our little princess can turn out
quite a ceaseless racket.

And do you realize
we can actually hug

without hearing all those
annoying gagging sounds?

What do you say we
give it a try, wifey?

[ doorbell rings]

Huh?
Huh?

[ doorbell ringing]

Heard about Angelica
temporarily moving out,

so I'm here
to fill

that hideous ringing
void in your lives.

What'll it be--
backgammon or Chinese checkers?

[ breathing heavily]

I did it!

I'm here first!

No chores for me!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

First!

Do you hear?!

I got
here first!

Congratulations.

That means you get
to start dinner.

What?!

Family rule.

It's why the kids
always go

to the library
after school.

It's going to be
mashed potatoes
for nine,

so be sure
to peel enough.

[ moans]

Quit touching me.

I'm not
touching you.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

[ grunts][ giggles]

SUSIE:
Where are you going?

ANGELICA:
In front of the tube.

We do not eat in front of the TV
in this family.

We sit together

and share our day.

Good, you guys talk.

I'll be in there.

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, yes, I will.

Just keep pushing.

Look, I've done nothing

but cook, clear and make beds.

I'm going to watch TV

whether you
like it or not.

OTHERS:
Ooh...

Someone's going to get it.

Oh, please.

What am I going to have
to take care of this time?

The dishes?

No, the diapers.

[ making straining noises]

P.U.!

We've got another
one for you.

Have fun.

[ cackling]

Oh, big deal.

How bad can it be?

[ retching]

[ sighing]

[ snoring]

Angelica, what
are you doing?

You said take care
of the diapers.

Meaning put them all in the bag,

tie it up, and
leave it on the porch.

We have a diaper service.

[ screaming]

[ cackling]

This is too good.

[ laughing]

But couldn't you just
stick it out a few more days?

No!

I cannot stick it out
a few more days!

Whoa! Girl
on the edge.

And do I smell...
dirty diapers?

[ sniffing]

Forget it...

because... I'm getting out.

Angelica Pickles admits defeat,

and no amount of familial
loyalty is going to stop me.

Well, I guess it's
about that time.

Time? What time?

To quit.

I checked with Susie.

She said there was no way
you were going to make it.

Susie said that?

Mmm... that's why
I bet against you.

So... thanks awfully
for quitting.

No way I was going
to make it, huh?

Floor!
[ yells]

What's going on?

Word to the wise, Susie:

Never count
Angelica Pickles out.

Ever.

DWAYNE:
Quit touching me.

I'm not touching you.

Yes, you are,
Peaches.

No, I'm not,
Dwayner.

Dad!

[ mockingly]:
Dad!

[ Angelica whistling tune]

[ turning]

[ gasps]:
Oh, my gosh!

What's that?

Where?What?

Get itoff me!
Hey, Peaches, no fair.

ANGELICA:
You snooze,
you lose.

Family rule.

[ laughing]

She's getting good.

No, she isn't.

Yes, she is.

Look at this crease--
and it's terrycloth!

I sensed your ennui with
my previous game choices,

so I brought along
one of my own.

Dil,
I'm impressed.

You invented this?

Yeah.

Looks like the nut

doesn't fall far
from the tree.

I call it
"Annoyance."

I'm hoping that
after some tweaking,

I can market it.

What's the object
of the game?

To keep cool.

If you lose your temper,
you're out.

I'm talking
real st-century stuff.

Nothing fazes me.

[ cracking knuckles]

All right, where do we start?

Right on top.

[ groans]

[ muttering angrily]

See how that vein is
starting to bulge

on Uncle
Drew's forehead?

Could be
just us two.

Sweet.

[ Drew groaning angrily]

But you said
she was caving.

Now I'll
have to take

Chuckie's shift
at the Java Lava,

and it's sea kelp-garlic
smoothie month.

You've got to do something.

If I lose, I have to clean
Tommy's room for six months,

even under the bed, and no one's
ever cleaned under there.

O ye of little faith.

Do you think I'm
going to let Angelica

b*at me at my own game
in my own house?

She thinks she's got chores now.

Just wait.

[ cackling]

Ooh...

busted.

There is no way

I'm letting Angelica win.

Are you with me?

Or should I just stencil "loser"
on your foreheads?

But if we help you, that
would be dishonest, cheating.

And I've got a much better chore

for the Queen of Mean.

Okay, okay, my turn.

[ snickering]

[ snoring]

[ alarm buzzing]

Wh-what... huh?

:?!

[ yawning]

Time to get up.

Saturday... day off...

checked chore list last night.

Oh, you only checked
the weekly one.

The monthly one
is on my desk.

"Angelica," "Angelica,"
"Angelica."

Of course, if you
want to quit...

[ hardware clinking]

[ sighing]

Not bad.

So, I'm done, right?

Normally, but
because this is

the third sunny
Saturday in a row,

the second one out of bed
cleans the rain gutters.

With this.

Family rule.

Wow!

Look what the kids did.

They even alphabetized
the spices.

Do you think we have them
so well trained that...?

They're freaks
of nature?

[ Angelica yelling]

And then she said
I had to clean them

with a toothbrush.

Buster came up with that one.

Did not.

Did, too.

[ yelling]

Enough!

Not only was making up
a chore list unfair,

but it was
downright dangerous.

Yeah, you tell them.

And I haven't heard
an apology yet.

You said it,
sister.

Sorry, Peaches--
no harm intended.

Same here.

Really sorry.

Okay...

I'm sorry, too.

It was all my idea, so...

you should punish me.

You're all punished.

Grounded for a month.

Ooh, ouch!

That was harsh,

but frankly,
you deserve it.

Angelica,
anytime you want
to go home, you feel free.

You've more than survived
the Carmichael household.

Yes!

I'll clean! I'll cook!

Out of here.

I'm really going
to miss that girl.

She could get
the mildew
out of grout

like nobody's
business.

Now, I'm fairly certain
it's the person

who rolls the number
that's most easily
divisible by three

who gets
to go next.

Aunt Charlotte?

I'm really starting to miss
our little one.

Steady my hand for me,
will you, Drew?

You're, uh, asking
the wrong person.

I'm back

and better than ever.

[ yelling in surprise]

I win!

Princess!

Oh, have we missed you!

What are you
doing here?

Just acting as the putty that
keeps this family together.

Well, b*at it.

Their real putty is back.

My job here is done.

Honey, I never thought
you'd make it this long.

They couldn't break me.

Oh, they tried,

but every chore they threw
at me, I mastered.

I even learned a few things.

Like what,
sweetheart?

Like bleach is
a great mold k*ller,

and there's actually a bag
inside a vacuum cleaner.

And...

And I never knew how
easy I had it here.

It seems only fair

that for surviving a week
at the Carmichaels'

and learning a valuable lesson,
you should be rewarded.

You can order in whatever
you want for dinner.

And watch whatever
you want on TV.

Halt!

New Pickles family rule:

We all make dinner and
sit down and eat together.

Together?

Together, and discuss our day.

Well, what's
the holdup?

Well, nothing.

Coming, Princess.

First off, all cell phones
and pagers off.

Dad, you make the salad.

Hey, I could make
my famous Caesar.

Mom, I'll need help
kneading the meatloaf.

Meat... loaf?

So, how was your day, Mom?

Well, I got a new investor
for Charlotte, Inc.

Really?

That's great, Mom!

And you, Dad?

Oh, nothing,
really.

Oh, oh, oh!

Well, I parred
three holes

in golf today.

Good for you,
honey.

Now, Angelica,
tell me more

about this
loaf of meat.

CARMICHAELS:
Family rule!