04x08 - R.V. Having Fun Yet?

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

Uh, that's
okay, Mom--

you could have dropped me
back there.

Nonsense, there's a spot
right by the curb.

Uh!

I could have let myself out.

Please.

You want to look your best

for your girlfriend,
don't you?

Mom!

There's Rachel now.

Bye, Mom!

Don't forget
Susie's party after.

Kiss.

[ groans]

Hey, Tommy.

New look?

Ugh!

[ honks horn]

[ marching band playing on TV]

LIL:
Wow, Susie--

being chosen to sing

in the Gracy's Day Parade
in New York City.

This is big.

Bigger than big.

This is as big as Dummy Bear's
head from last year's parade.

Sometimes I can't believe it.

I am representing the
American Cheese Council.

[ sighs]

Did you know cheese
represents .%

of our gross national product?

Uh, no.

Really?

Fascinating.

Did you know that,
Angelica?

I'm sorry,
I wasn't listening.

I was just admiring
my cuticles.

Aren't they lovely?

Aah!

Oops.

You did that
on purpose.

Did not.

Only I wish you guys could all
come to New York to cheer me on.

New York City?

That sure would
take the sting out

of narrowly missing the chance
to sing in the parade.

Narrowly?

You didn't even make it
past the first audition.

Aah!

Were you talking
to me?

Might as well forget
New York.

No way that's
happening.

Take the kids
to New York City?

Why not?

We're not using the plane
tickets the parade gave us.

But it still wouldn't cover
all of us going.

What if it was just
the moms and kids?

According to the Lipshitz book
Tweens: From Angel to Enemy,

this could be our last chance

to get close
to our adorable children

before they turn into sulking,
bloodsucking ciphers.

Well, if it's a bonding
experience you want,

why fly?

Why not see the country
the way I did--

from the road?

Hang on tight, Butch.

[ revs engine]

[ tire squeals]

That's a great
idea, Betty.

We could drive
cross country.

You in, Charlotte?

Huh! Are you kidding?

I haven't driven across country
since I was a college gal.

Hang on tight, Butch.

[ revs engine]

[ tire squeals]

Guess what?

We just decided to take
all of you to New York City

to see Susie sing!

[ cheering]

What's going on?

We'll all going to see
the Gracy Day Parade.

No way!

That's wicked awesome.

So, how are we getting there?

First-class airfare?

Staying at swanky hotels?

Better!

We're taking an R.V.!

You've got
to be kidding.

Just you and your mothers
for a whole week!

Wicked.

Cheese!
Sweet.

Guys!

The bathroom has a spa tub!

I am finally beginning to
understand the pioneer spirit.

I wonder what this does.

Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!

Check it out.

We can see
where we're going

and where we've been
at the same time!

I've been training myself
to do that for a whole year!

Uh, Angelica?

Thanks.

DIL:
You know,
I'm kind of surprised

you wanted to come
on this trip,

what with Susie getting

so much nationally
televised face time

and you still being
basically, you know, a nobody.

Please, Dil.

Susie is my friend,

and I'd feel terrible
if something awful

prevented her
from performing
in the parade.

[ bang; groan]

Oh...!

I thought you were...

Never mind.

Okay, show's over.

Let's get rolling.

We have an early start
tomorrow.

And I mean early.

[ crickets chirping]

[ all yawning]

[ cell phone ringing]

[ cheers]

That was Betty, everyone.

She's on her way
with the R.V. right now.

I'll miss you.

Me, too.

Tommy!

Did you go to
the little boys' room?

We're leaving.

Wow.

Did you see that?

Did you?

She kissed him--

on the mouth
and everything.

Of all the things
that have touched my lips,

the thought of someone else's
never even occurred to me.

I'm repelled...
and yet oddly intrigued.

But I'm months,

three weeks and five days
older than Tommy

and no girl has ever
planted one on me.

It's never gonna
to happen for me, Phil.

No girl's ever gonna
to want to kiss me.

You don't know that.

This is
a big country.

I'm sure somewhere
out there there's a girl

who won't find you
freakishly repulsive.

You think?

[ horn honking "La Cucaracha"
theme, engine rattling ]

[ brakes squealing,
engine clunking]

[ window creaking]

BETTY:
Feast your sockets on
the Itex American Cruise Deluxe.

What happened to the nice,
tasteful Cascade Supreme?

Sold out.

Besides, I got twice the size

for half the price.

Come on in.

Oh, and
don't worry

about that moldy
bathing suit smell--

she'll air out.

Um, well, it is roomy.

Yeah, it...
it'll still be fun.

Guys, did you see this?

CHUCKIE:
"I am crud"?

[ laughing]

BETTY:
Ah, the open road.

According to Lipshitz,

this could be our last
great bonding experience

with the kids, Betty.

I don't want to miss one natural
wonder or cultural highlight.

Ah, just as long
as we make good time--

we got a whole country
to cross in five days.

DIDI:
My, that isa lot of driving.

That's why I brought along
my own personal blend of beans.

I call it "Betty Blast."

A couple of slugs of this...

[ slurps]

[ shudders]

and I'm good to go!

[ groaning]

Betty, I'm not feeling so good.

I think it was the burrito
we had for lunch.

Nonsense-- you always find
the best roadside chow

at diners/
car washes.

[ groans]

[ heaving]

[ retching]

I'll be sure
to write that down.

Lil, are you gonna dribble
that ball

all the way
to New York City?

Mm-hmm.

Eighty-seven...

I'm going for
the book of world records.

All I have to do is keep
this ball off the ground

and Alvin Fremont's Sydney-
to-Melbourne record is dust.

w*r.

I wish we had that R.V.
with the plasma screen

and channels
of satellite TV.

The moms wouldn't let us
watch it anyway.

Remember the Lipshitz rule:
no electronic devices.

No cell phones, computer games--

nothing but long stretches
of open road to numb our minds.

♪ When I was
a little tyke ♪

♪ I thought there was
one kind of cheese ♪

♪ Cheese, cheese, cheese,
cheese, cheese... ♪

[ retching]

Talk about mind-numbing.

Boy, are you guys
sticks in the mud.

This trip's gonna be epic.

You want to know why?

Because this is
the Southwest, my friend,

home of UFO crashes,
nuclear test sites,

frozen alien bodies
hidden in government hangars--

along with all my missing socks.

We are talking the freaky
capital of the freaky world!

And I say...

Look-- Bigfoot!

Nix that.

Just a really hairy guy
with his shirt off.

[ retching]

Maybe Dil's right.

I'm getting down
on this trip

before we've
even started.

Hey, look what I pulled
off the 'Net.

"The Most Upchuckingest
Thrill Rides In America"?

And we'll be passing
at least half of them.

Aah!

Okay, everybody.
First stop.

What is it, Mom?

Queasy Canyons?

Whiplash Willows?

Even better.

Welcome to Clifford, California,
onion capital of the West!

The onion was first brought here

by Klabner Maxwell in
from the Canary Islands.

[ all sniffling]

It's the onions,
right?

No, I'm just
bored to tears!

Now, follow me

and we'll be entering
our gift shop.

Don't touch
anything, kids.

[ rumbling]

[ all sniffling]

[ blowing noses]

Watch the Finster magic
at work.

CHUCKIE:
Hi.

Hi.

Have you been
eating onions?

Oh!

Ow!

Okay, everybody--
photo op!

TOUR GUIDE:
One...

PHIL:
Hey, look!

GUIDE:Two...
A flattened lizard!

Three.

[ camera shutter clicks]

MAN:
Welcome to the world's
widest Christmas tree.

[ camera shutters clicking]

[ camera whirring]

Dil, don't touch.

SUSIE'S MOM:
Isn't it wonderful

how well our girls
have been getting along?

I know-- Angelica
hasn't shown

one hint of jealousy
about the parade.

[ door lock clicking]

Hey, Susie!

You locked the door!

[ R.V. starting up]
!
Susie?

Susie?

[ squeakily]:
Susie?

, ...

... ...

TOMMY:
Hey, Mom, why can't
we go do that?

You'd hurt yourself.

Besides, you can do
cheap thrill rides anywhere.

Where else
but in Needleston, Nevada,

could you have seen
the world's biggest
ball of string?

[ people shouting]

Oh, no!

[ man shouting]

[ sobbing]:
No... no, not that!

It's official:
This trip is a bust.

LIL:
Four hours

in the Museum
of the Mayonnaise?

When do we get to do
what we want to do?

PHIL:
Snakeskin...

possum tails, squirrel bones...

What is that?

It's my collection.

I'm so bored I'm
exploring my interest

as a budding naturalist...

or a chef.

Ew!

What is it with moms, anyway?

Why do they have to be
all over us all the time?

Yeah, what's with
all these photographs?

And the "don't touch anythings"?

And why are they always coming
at you with their spit?

On your face, in your hair...

I'd get grounded for
spitting on someone's hair.

When's my mom gonna realize
I'm grown up?

DIL:
I don't know.

I kind of like it
when Mom wipes my face

with a saliva-
soaked tissue.

It's like a warm,
wet "I love you."

[ zipper unzipping]

I was over at the bathrooms,

and guess who I found digging
in the garbage?

Hey, I was here
the whole time.

[ barking]

I went to every campsite,
and no one knew him.

He must be abandoned.

The moms said
you could keep him?

No way-- so I figure
I'll sneak him.

Come on, Pumpkin.

[ panting]

Well, one good thing:

We're out here in the fresh air
and not stuck in the Crudinator.

Yep.
You said it.

You bet.

[ insect buzzing]

[ slapping; kids shouting]

[ yawning]

Ah... up and at...!

Oh, mother of mayhem!

[ dog growling, barking]

Aah! My collection!

Don't you dare,
you little fleabag!

[ barks]

[ growls]

[ laughing nervously]

[ R.V. chugging]

[ bolt clinking]

Because of this morning's
dog mishap,

we're a little
behind schedule.

So I've mapped out a tour

of the most amazing natural
wonders you'll ever see.

You'll all have precisely
six minutes at each stop,

or I'm taking off without you.

[ camera shutter clicking,
camera whirring]

Hi, my name's Chuckie.

I'm, uh, traveling
across the...

Hello, Mike!

[ screams]

[ splashing]

Aah, man, could this
trip get any worse?

BETTY:
Look what we found

in the gift shop!

Matching hats!

Doesn't it
just scream "tourist"

in a tacky yet trendy
kind of way?

Oh, yeah, this will really
help me with the ladies.

[ camera shutter clicking,
camera whirring]

[ all exclaim]

DIDI:
Ah, the Grand Canyon.

You know, Tommy, it takes
four billion years

for Mother Nature to make
a rock tower like that.

And you're gonna
make me stand here

and watch her make it,
aren't you?

Kimi, can you try to control
that stinky little mongrel?

It's not my fault.

If Phil didn't carry around

his bag of death...

[ dog barking]

Ow!

[ fast music
coming from camera]

Whoa-- I love
this movie!

SUSIE'S MOM:
Movie?

Didi, I thought
the kids

weren't supposed to
zone out on this trip.

Tommy!

I downloaded a DVD.

I needed something to get
my mind off leaving Rachel.

DIDI:
The Grand Canyon
wouldn't do it?

[ Didi's voice echoing]

Not like Revenge
of the Crypt Comber V.

[ gagging, retching]

Nice work, Betty.

From now on,
I pick the lunch spots.

Oh, well, look who's
getting all la-di-da!

Fancy girl.

[ whistling]

SUSIE:
Excuse me, but
have you all forgotten

what this trip is for?!

[ Susie's voice echoing]

To make you even more
insufferably perfect

than you are?

And to promote
the good work

of America's hard-working
cheese producers.

And it was about us moms
getting closer to you guys.

Well, I'm sick of getting close,

I'm sick of being told
what to do,

and I'm sick
of having a mom!

[ gasps]

[ wind whistling]

Maybe we should be going.

[ rumbling]

[ loud crash]

[ fire crackling,
crickets chirping]

What you said to Mom, T.,
about not needing her-- harsh.

Yeah, well,
wait till you're older.

You'll understand.

I will never understand
not loving my mommy.

Hey, you guys going to see
the Curtain of Tears tonight?
I'm trying to catch a ride.

Curtain of Tears?

What's that?

Oh, man, you never heard of it?

The story is this Indian
princess, Sowanami,

ditched out on a bogus dude
her dad wanted her to marry.

So her tribe
left her behind

to starve to death

on these red rocks
not too far from here.

Whoa, talk about harsh.

They say she cried
so many tears,

a geyser was made on that spot.

Every year at midnight it blows

and you can see the princess
rise in the mist

and hear her screams
echoing in the rocks.

Wow!

Righteous.

Guys, did you hear that?

A genuine apparitional
sighting-- with water feature.

Finally--

something we want to do.

Our moms aren't
gonna let us

go out in the desert
alone at midnight.

Oh, yeah, we might
touch something.

We can always sneak out
after they've gone to sleep.

SUSIE:
Sneak out?

What for?

To see a real live
dead Indian princess

out in the desert.

Sounds epic.

But I don't know
if it's such a good idea.

I gotta sing in New York
in four days,

and I don't even have
my song down yet.

Oh, maybe Susie's right.

We don't even know
how to get there.

We better bag it.

DIDI:Kids.

We want to apologize
to you kids.

We haven't been listening

to what you guys want to do.

So tonight we're going

to a real Southwestern fiesta--

Fiesta de los Ojos Rojos!

[ mariachi music playing]

Uh-huh!

Show me how it's done!

Mom, stop it.

♪ ♪

[ both laughing,
cajoling in Spanish]

Vengan, reinas...

Preciosas...

[ music continues]

[ women whooping and shouting]

[ cameras clicking]

Oh, that's it.

We have to get away
from our moms.

[ women whooping and cheering]

[ snoring]

Does that shirt
make me look fat?

Whatever it is
you're dragging me to

better be worth it.

ANGELICA:
Whoa!

ANGELICA:
We've been walking an hour,

and I haven't seen
any red rocks.

You've been conned.

[ animal howls, group screams]

What was that?!

Nobody worry.

I'm keeping lookout.

Thanks.

It's probably tracking
Phil's bag of bones.

I told you
you should've left that thing.

I did, but you came anyway.

I... I shouldn't be doing this.

The entire cheese industry
is counting on me.

Yeah, I'm sure
whole economies
will collapse

if you don't
sing perfectly
about sour milk.

[ laughter in distance]

[ laughing and talking]

[ engines hum]

[ yawning]

Would you lookee here--
no traffic.

Well, time to rack up
some miles.

[ engine revs]

[ dog barks]

,... ... ...

DIL:Hey, T.,
meet the Rogers.

Hi.Hi.
Hi.

They were cloned
and abducted by aliens.

This place rocks!

♪ When I was a little tyke

♪ I thought there was
one kind of cheese ♪

♪ Yellow...

[ humming "Battle Hymn
of the Republic"]
♪ Oh, glory, glory, hallelujah

♪ The cheese goes
marching on... ♪

Angelica!

And then, you see
this bicuspid?

They had to scrape
the gum three times

before it was right.

Which headgear
did they give you--

the G-force twister
or the mandible mangler?

Mandible mangler.

Oh, me, too.

Nice night.

Yeah.

[ loud roar]

[ screams]

[ all gasp]

[ faint howling]

[ all cheering]

Did you see...And the part where...

I know,
and then when the...

I was so close.

I could almost feel her overbite
on my cheek.

SUSIE:
Uh, oh, no!

It's gone!

[ all gasping]

I don't get it.

The R.V. was right here.

Maybe my mom went
to fill up the t*nk.

Maybe someone stole it.

The "I Am Crud"?
Please!

Or maybe it's payback
for what Tommy said to Mom,

and we've been left behind
to starve to death

just like the Indian
princess Sowanami.

How long you think
we can last

if we take turns licking
this fuzzy mint?

Okay, okay, let's not get
all whacked out about this.

We'll just hike over
to the ranger station.

There is a perfectly
good explanation

for this.

I hope.

♪ A hundred cups of Blast
on the wall ♪

♪ A hundred cups of Blast...

Rise and shine, buttercups!

[ brakes squeal]

Well, where are we?

Brunswick, Missouri.
Not the home

of the world's largest pecan?!

Yep.

While you lazy heads were sawing
Zs, I covered almost miles.

And you know what?

I could do another thousand.

[ snoring]

[ horn honking
"La Cucaracha" theme]

[ snoring]

Wakey, wakey, time for cakey.

[ unzipping]

Oh!

[ screams]

How's my driving?

We in Missouri yet?

Yes, but our kids are
back in New Mexico.

Didi, man the map.

Lucy, grab me up a cup of joe.

We're turning this baby around.

[ engine chugging]

[ engine backfires, quits]

[ Chuckie moaning in sleep]

[ kissing]

I'm sorry, Susie.

I know you worked really hard
to sing in this parade.

Don't sweat it,
Tommy.

We still got
three days

to get to New York.

I'm not worried.

Thought you kids
might be hungry.

I'm Ranger Walking Wind
Little Feather,

but call me Claus.

Claus?

It's easier to program
in the speed dial.

TOMMY:
You know where
our moms are?

I've got guys looking
for the R.V.

Won't be hard to find
something that butt-ugly.

[ Chuckie
kissing]

Chuckie, get off me!

Whoa!

[ phone ringing]

CLAUS:
Ranger Walking Wind.

Uh... Claus here.

Yes, they're
right here.

Mom?

Tommy? Oh, thank heavens
you're all right!

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry, Mom.

Where are you?

They're in Brunswick, Missouri.

Home of the world's
largest pecan?

When are you coming
back for us?

A couple of days?!

We'll never make it
to New York

in time for
the parade.

Oh.

Wow, sorry, Susie.

Yeah, tough break.

Where's the nearest
four-star luxury hotel?

I'll take you to stay
with my family.

I'm heading up to Raton
for a big intertribal meeting.

Hold on, Mom.

Is Raton anywhere near
where our moms are?

It's in the right direction,

but you'd still have
hundreds of miles.

Can we go with you?

We've got to get Susie
to New York

to sing on the cheese float
in the parade.

Susie, Susie, Susie...

What will it take to k*ll
this can-do attitude of yours?

I can get you as far as Denver.

Mom.

DIDI:
I heard, and we're sorry,

but we can't let you travel
hundreds of miles alone.

You've got to.

I can't let Susie down.

I can handle this.

Oh...

Thanks.

[ group cheering]

LIL:
You're gonna make it, Susie.

Do you have that credit card
number your mom gave you

to buy our tickets to Missouri?

Here it is.

As good as money, my man.

[ barking]

[ drum b*ating]

CLAUS:
Good news--

I've found you a ride
through the Rockies

that'll get you to Denver,
so here.

What are those?

CLAUS:
Snowsuits.

All the roads to Denver
are snowed in.

You're going by dogsled.

[ dogs barking]

[ group laughing]

My hair!

[ group laughing]

[ mechanical whirring]

Oh, I'm beginning
to think

letting the kids travel
hundreds of miles alone

wasn't such a hot idea.

Me, too.
My Angelica may seem tough,

but she's just
a scared little girl

with an inflated sense
of self-entitlement.

What do you
think, Didi?

I think Tommy was right
and Lipshitz was wrong.

Sometimes you've got
to give your kids space.

If we did our job right

we've raised bright,
capable children.

ANGELICA:
You've lost the
credit card number?!

How are we gonna
get to Minnesota?!

Missouri.

Whatever M state
our moms are in.

The paper must have
flown out of my pocket

when we were sledding.

,...

ALL:
Lil!

Sorry.

Break.

Come on, guys, we can do this.

You want to prove
we're grown up,
don't you?

No, right now I'd be happy

having Mom gently
chuck me under the chin

and tell me everything's okay.

Look, I picked up a map.

Now, we're here.

In that state shaped
like a board-game box?

Yes, and our moms are here.

In the state that kind
of looks like a shoe?

Yes, all we have to do
is figure out

how to get across that big,
flat state between them.

Don't they teach you
kids geography
anymore?

I have a simpler answer--
give up.

We have no money,
no cell phone,
and our moms

are hundreds of
miles from here.

Face it-- Susie's sh*t
at the big time is history.

No, I'm
not giving up!

I have an idea.

[ chuckles]

Looks like we're not
in Kansas anymore.

Nope,
that's Kansas.

Look.

[ chuckling]

That wasn't so bad.

TOMMY:
I found a guy

who said he can take us
to the next town.

We can call our moms from there,
get the credit-card number

and arrange a ride.

TOMMY:
So, let me get this straight.

You have no phones.

No.

No faxes?

No.

Not even electricity?

What, are these people
living in the s?

Yes. They're Amish.

They don't believe
in modern things.

Even... blow-dryers?

No.

What kind of nightmare is this?

BOY:
E-all booger

taint?

Yah.

Mother took a ride
in the car to Brunswick.

Brunswick?

Big pecan.

Plus the black apron dress

make bed
to the barn?

Yah.

After ye throws some cows
over to the fence some hay.

You understood all that?

Yah.

Don't be shushly.

TOMMY:
Mom!

And I'm sick of having a mom.

Bye, Mom!

Hey, T.--

outen the lights.

[ crowing]

[ all yawning]

Guys, I got us a ride
to Brunswick, Missouri.

Yah.

Big pecan.

I guess this thing
doesn't have overdrive.

Wouldn't be plain.

So, uh...
Esther, is it?

[ giggles]

[ gasps]

Uh, I'll be sitting back here.

You said you'd do it
and you did, Tommy.

Thanks.

[ screams]

Ah.

Check it out--

genuine Amish road k*ll.

All right.

[ animal growls]

[ horse neighs]

Phil, it wants
your backpack.

[ growls]

Phil, he wants
your collection.

Give it to him!

[ growls]

[ barking]

Pumpkin!

[ whimpering]

[ barking]

KIMI:Pumpkin!
I was so scared.

Are you okay?

I told you guys
he was a great dog.

He tracked us all the way
just to save us.

I don't think wehave
anything to do with it.

Who's up?

[ groans]

Guy with the beard
made it sound so easy.

Does anybody have any idea
where we are?

We're right here
on Route North.

Or South?

Two words:
home schooling.

[ wind gusts]

I'm cold.

I'm tired.

I'm thirsty.

I'm ugly.

[ wind whistling]

I wonder what our moms are doing
right now.

Probably worrying
about us.

I bet if my mom was here,
she'd have something to eat.

They always have something
to eat when you're hungry.

Or a sweatshirt
if you're cold.

It's the purses:

Moms are like pack mules
of love.

Guys ever catch your mom

sneaking into your room
at night

just to watch you sleep?

Oh, yeah.
Sure.Uh-huh.

It's creepy but,
like, in a good way.

You guys ever think
what it would be like

not having a mom?

Been there, done that.

I'm sorry, guys.

This mess is all my fault.

I wanted to prove something

and now we'll never get Susie

to the Gracy's Day Parade
on time.

It couldn't get any worse.

I... want... my...

mommy!

[ all wailing]

Oh, you preteens are pathetic.

I want my mommy's...

credit card!

[ sobbing]

[ horn honking
"La Cucaracha" theme]

Mommy!
Mommy!
Mommy!

Oh, Mom,
I missed you.

Tommy, I'm so proud of you.

Look how far
you came.

Huh. No big d.

Okay, everyone, we've still got
four states to cover

if we're gonna get Susie
to the parade on time.

Ah, the "I Am Crud."

It does smell like home.

Hold on, everybody,
we're on Betty time now.

[ tires squeal]

[ Pumpkin barking]

Pumpkin!

Look out
for Pumpkin!

[ tires squeal]

[ crashing]

DIDI:
Is everyone okay?

You sure?

Okay.

Yeah.

They can't get anyone
out here till tonight,

being the day
before Thanksgiving.

It just doesn't look like
we'll make it in time.

I'm sorry, honey.

Maybe you can
get in the parade
next year.

But we worked so hard
to get here.

We came so close.

I memorized
kinds of cheeses!

[ sobbing]

What are you people? Quitters?

I didn't ride
dogsleds, balloons

and live without
a blow-dryer
for three days

to give up now.

[ whistles]

[ tires screech]

We need to get
to New York

and you are gonna
to get us there.

What are you waiting for?

DIDI:
"Clifford,
California,

onion capital
of the West."

[ all sniffling]

PHIL:
Wait, I gotta go
to the bathroom!

[ tires screech]

[ tires screech]

WOMAN:
After everything
you did to get here--

especially riding in
an onion truck for hours--

the parade committee
wanted to reward you

with special
luxury suites--

on us.

Ew!

Boy, people sure are
snooty around here.

[ laughing]

PHIL:This isso cool!

Angelica, I just wanted
to say thank you.

You didn't have to do
what you did

and, well, it was...
amazingly out of character.

Well, I can top it.

You're welcome.

One question:
why?

Because I know that
if I ever got a chance

to sing some cheesy song
on national television

for hundreds of millions
of people around the world,

I'd want you
to have my back.

Hundreds of millions?

[ moans]

And somehow thatmade it
all worthwhile.

[ marching band playing]

Man, I
can't believe

with the entire United
States at our feet

you couldn't get
one girl to kiss you.

Oh, don't feel
so bad, Phil.

I've decided it's
not that important.

I mean, after
all the exciting
stuff we've done

the last couple of days,

kissing a girl
just doesn't seem

like that big
a deal anymore.

[ cheering]

This one's for Tommy.

♪ When I was a little tyke

♪ I thought there was
one kind of cheese ♪

♪ Yellow, waxy,
wrapped in plastic ♪

♪ Or in a can
you can squeeze ♪

♪ Then one day
my mama slipped me ♪

♪ Some domestic mozzarella

♪ And all at once I knew

♪ There's more cheese than
American cheese in America ♪

♪ There's provolone,
mascarpone ♪

♪ Bleu and brick and Brie

♪ cheddars
from mild to sharp ♪

♪ And a feta from Mississippi

♪ Maytag Blues from Iowa

♪ Monterey Jack's out West

♪ But if you like your cheese
all molded and green ♪

♪ New Jersey Gorgonzola's
the best ♪

♪ The Italians call it
formaggio♪

♪ In France they say fromage♪

♪ But give me ricotta
from Duluth, Minnesota ♪

♪ And all the rest is garbage

♪ Now, don't get me wrong

♪ I'm not knockin'
that plastic yellow stuff ♪

♪ But there's just more cheese
than American cheese ♪

♪ In the country
that I love! ♪

[ song ends]

[ cheering]

It was definitely
worth the drive.

Whoa...

[ screams]

[ gasps]

Whoa!

One... two... three...

ALL:
♪ Take one down,
pass it around ♪

♪ cups of Blast
on the wall! ♪

[ horn honking
"La Cucaracha" theme]

PHIL:
Moms are like pack mules
of love.