04x09 - A DeVille House Divided

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

TOMMY:
The rain clouds foreshadowed
the doom

waiting for the competition
that yucky April day,

the day a group of ten-year-olds
with nothing but guts--

and shin splints--
limped to victory

with the help of their
professional coaching staff.

[ growls]

TOMMY:
The day the Limburger
Recreational Field

became known as...
the house that DeVille built.

[ grunts]

Lil DeVille.

[ cr*ck; static]

[ cheering and applause]

PANGBORN [ slurring]:
Before we give out
our individual awards,

let's give
Tommy Pickles a hand

for his gutsy
photography.

[ applause]

Sorry again, Tommy.

And let's thank
Principal Pangborn

for coming here tonight

after three hours
of extensive dental work.

Thanks.

Now, remember--

we're a team,
and no one player means

any more
than any other.

Now, the first award
for highest scorer

goes to Lil DeVille!

[ applause and cheering]

Most penalty sh*ts...

Lil DeVille.

[ applause and cheering]

Most assists...

Lil DeVille!

[ cheering and applause]

And best snacks, Lil DeVille.

[ cheering continues]

[ trophies clanking]

Way to go, Lillian.

[ trophy crashes]

Hey, I wouldn't
be holding these

if you hadn't shown me
the game.

Thanks, bro.

BETTY:
Now, moving on
to our next award.

Whoa. Who's that?

BETTY:
Best defensive player:

our own team captain,
Wally Ramone.

[ applause]

That's... Wally?

Now, before you kids
hit the pizza,

I got a big
announcement.

Our unmatched record
qualified us

for a slot
in the Pacific Soccer League.

[ cheering and applause]

Two weeks from now, we take on
the Pacoima Pythons.

If we win that game, it's off
to the regional finals in...

Honolulu, Hawaii!

[ wild cheering]

PHIL:
I guess I never noticed
that Wally was...

real pretty.

[ chewing noisily]

But she's
at your house

all the time
playing with Lil.

Yeah, winging soccer balls
at my head.

Oh, gosh-- it's her.

How do I look?

LIL:
Yeah, with you
at sweeper

and me midfield,
those Pacoima Pythons
will be cowboy boots.

PHIL:
Uh...

Slast plice
a lizza, Holly?

[ chuckles nervously]

[ giggles]

Sounds like somebody had

one too many
root beers.

Did you say something, Lil?

WALLY:
Oh, Sarah, I'd love
to come to your party,

but I don't have
pretty dresses

like you
and your friends.

LIL [ in high voice]:
Balderdash! Wear one of mine.

But your father
wouldn't approve.

Hang my father!

They already did
hang your father--
for cattle rustling.

No, that was
your father--

when you were Daisy Mae,
this tough saloon owner.

Today you're Emily Weston,
orphaned pioneer girl.

Oh, yeah.

Here, Emily,
take my purdiest dress.

Oh, Sarah, no one will ever
have as good a friend as you.

PHIL:
Incoming! Incoming!

[ girls shout]

Name's Scott Adams,

and I'm here to save you
from the Indians.

Phil, we live in peace
with the Indians--

and they're called
Native Americans.

We could into a w*r
with the Indians, Lil.

The settlers did take
their land.

Get a load of my chest--
turns into a rocket launcher.

[ servos whirring]

Ooh!

What comes out
of your back?

A pontoon boat.

[ air hissing]

[ sighs]

[ Phil and Lil panting]

Invisible Volcano King!

[ laughing]

Loser.

[ both laughing]

Hey, you can't do that.

I'm invisible!

Not without
your atomic pine cone!

[ giggling]

Hi, guys.

Hey, what are
you playing?

Invisible Volcano King.

We made it up a long time ago,
but it's only for two people.

So?

You made up
the rules--

just change them.

That's brilliant.

Wally's on my team!

But that's two against one.

I got an idea.

Why don't we do something
all three of us can do?

That's brilliant!

LIL:
Left foot, red rhinoceros.

[ sighs]

Right hand, green hamster.

[ both straining, laughing]

Oh... man!

[ both laughing]

TOMMY:
Ow!

Now I know
why I played this with Phil.

You're a lousy
paper football player.

Well, gee, I guess
that means I'll never go pro

with the National Professional
Paper Football League

or have professional
paper football fans.

I getit.

I guess I just miss Phil.

It's not the same

since he started
hanging around with Wally.

DIL:
Hey, guys, meet Morty,

Mr. Pangborn's nephew
from Ohio.

My sister's kid.

He's staying with me
while she undergoes

some minor
reconstructive surgery.

Drat that Pangborn chin.

I said we'd show him the ropes.

You play
paper football, Morty?

Ha! Are you kidding?

But I like to play with my own.

Oh, gee, that looks
kind of sharp.

Whoa!

Ow!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, I rule!

[ laughing]

[ groans]

I don't get it.

Ever since the soccer awards

Phil and Wally act so weird
around each other.

It's messing up everything.

Earth to Lil:
they like each other.

[ laughing]:
Oh, please.

Who would like Phil?

He's so immature and gross.

Look.

No, you look.

[ giggling]

[ gasps]

They... dolike each other.

How come I'm the last one
to see it?

You're not.

They are.

Well, there's only one
way to handle this.

[ giggling]

Phil, stop it.

[ laughing]

[ whistles sharply]

Phil, do you like Wally?

Huh?

No way!

Wally, do you like Phil?

Are you whack?

That proves it.

Only people who like each other

act so weird
about liking each other.

Why don't you just admit
you like each other

and we can all go back
to doing stuff like before?

Okay?

Okay.

I... I like you.

Me, too.

Now that that's over with,
let's go down to the field

and run some drills
for the playoffs.

Race you to
the ice cream line.

You're on.
Guys...

Hey, guys!

Man, iced out
for ice cream.

That's cold.

Hey, Chuckie's shadow
was in the fairway!

That's an a*t*matic
hole in one for me.

But it's...

Uh, complaining--

that's six strokes
added to your score.

Uh...

Look out!

[ Tommy shouts]

[ laughing]

I love doing that!

We know you do.

So, what's everyone think
about my nephew here?

Quite the sportsman, huh?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

Right on.

[ laughing]

[ Wally giggling]

[ laughing]

Oh, please.

Does she have
to do that?

He's not that funny.

Trust me, I know.

[ bell rings]

[ ball rattles into cup]

You've gotto be kidding.

I've never seen him
make sh*ts like that.

Because he doesn't!

This place had to
shut down one day

because he lost
so many balls!

And when did she suddenly turn
into such a girlie-girl?

Lil, lighten up.

It's not like
they're getting married.

[ distorted
bridal march playing]

Phil, don't leave!

We didn't finish our game yet.

Phil!

Phil, come back!

PANGBORN:
Saturday we're playing

the biggest game
of our lives.

Win it and we're off to Hawaii.

I want to see passing,
teamwork, concentration.

[ grunts]

Ew!

[ laughing]

You have
to do something
about Morty.

We can't take
him anymore.

Why me?

You brought him
to the group.

But he doesn't annoy me.

I find his humor
disturbingly complex.

Get that gum
out of your hair yet?

No.

[ knock at door]

Hey.

Hey.

Listen, I'm sorry about
zoning out at practice.

I know this game
means a lot.

It's okay.

Is that Doom Raider ?!

It just came in today.

Yes! We've been waiting
three months to play that.

I know.

Listen, can
I talk to you
about something?

I'm listening.

The weirdest thing
happened today.

Wally and me were
sitting in the park...

watching the clouds--

her idea.

Then it happened.

It was so weird.

I started sweating

and my stomach got all queasy.

It felt like riding
Whiplash Gorge

three times in a row!

Boy, you really
didn't like it, did you?

Are you kidding?

It was
the greatest thing ever!

I cannot wait
to do it again.

Can we please not talk
about this anymore?

Oh...

Oh, sure, yeah--

because I got to go anyway.

Wait.

I thought we were playing
Doom Raider .

Oh, no, I just brought that
in for you.

I'm going over to Wally's.

Tell me how it is.

[ in doll voices]:
Oh, Sarah, I'll never have
a friend as good as you.

Until I take away your brother

and leave you
with no one to play with!

Ow! Ouch!

Give me back my dress!

I'm going to kick
your little classic behind!

Hi.

Gee, where's Phil?

I ditched him.

Really?

Yeah, I wanted to talk

to you about him.

Oh...

The other day in the park,
I held his hand

and he got all pale
and started sweating.

I don't think
he liked it very much.

Did he say
anything to you?

Well... as a matter of fact,

he did mention it
to me,

and, since we are friends,
I'll just say it:

He said it made him
sick to his stomach.

[ gasps]

I'm really
sorry, Wally.

But you know guys,
they're such jerks sometimes.

Pickle?

No, thanks.

I'm suddenly not very hungry.

[ crickets chirping]

[ whistling tune]

Guess what!
Guess what!

I just heard the Pythons'
midfielder got chickenpox!

We are sure to win.

[ sniffling]

Don't look at me.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?!

Everything is wrong!

The world has fallen
off its axis.

The sun shall never shine again.

Is this about
your penalty sh*ts?

Because we can work on that.

It's Wally.

She dumped me!

[ sobbing]

Oh.

She didn't even say why.

You're her friend, Lil--
did she say anything to you?

No, nothing, nada,

zip, zilch, zero,
goose eggs, goose eggs.

[ sniffling]

Phil, I have never
seen you act like this.

What?

I can't have feelings?

Feelings?

You hit yourself on the head
with a hammer on a dare.

I got just the thing
to cheer you up, mister--

a game
of Doom Raider .

Just turn off the light
on your way out.

I'm going to lay here
and listen to sad songs.

Sure.

[ wailing]:
Wally...
Why, why,
Wally?

[ sobbing]

You broke Wally
and Phil up?

No...

I just told Wally
what Phil had told me.

He'll get over it.

You know Phil, he has
a short attention span.

TOMMY:
Just come in--
it's one drink.

I can't...

this was our place...

Wally and me.

We'll share
an Orbit Smoothie.

[ tearfully]:
Weshared an Orbit Smoothie.

Look, just
sit over there.

Wesat over there.

Oh, man...

I remember the first thing
she ever said to me:

"Move it, loser."

Tommy, some help here.

Hey, have you
seen, Dil?

Nope.

Lil, can you do something
about your brother?

I think
Hurricane Lil

has done
enough damage
to two lives.

What?

I... sort of was the person

who sort of told Wally
Phil didn't like her...

sort of.

Why would you
do that?

They were annoying!

CHUCKIE:
Any more annoying

than that?

[ whimpering]

I can't be here.

It cuts too deep.

Boy, if my sister

did something
like that...

I mean, if she
told my girlfriend

I didn't like
her... geesh.

Man, I'm sure glad
I don't have a sister.

So is she.

You told Wally
I didn't like her?

I will neverforgive you
for this, Lillian!

Geesh, he's a little testy.

Anyone drinking this?

Well, if anyone sees Dil,
tell him I was looking for him.

I'll get rid of him.

PANGBORN:
Okay, Phil,

you'll be right
defense with Lil.

I don't want to play with her!

She's the one
who told Wally

I didn't like holding
her hand when I do!

You tell her
about what we do?

I'm his sister!

It was supposed to be
a secret, Lillian.

Okay then, Wally, you be over
on left defense with Lil.

I don't want
to play with her.

She lied to me.

Okay, Phil,
you play midfield.

I'll put Lil in right field
and Wally on left.

PHIL:
Then I'm between both of them!

LIL:
I'm not doing it--
I'll play goalie.

I know there's
some personal issues

going on in the team,

but this is
a sh*t at Hawaii,

so let's put it aside
and focus on the game.

She's right, let's keep
our heads in the game, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Gonzalez!

Tell my sister, the jerk,
I'm open!

Wally, I'm clear,
I'm clear!

Like I'm supposed
to believe that.

What is going on
out there?

They're not playing together.

I've never been
to Hawaii!

Man, your
friends stink.

I'd be embarrassed
to be seen with them.

Uh, funny you should
bring that up.

Except for you,
Tommy and Chuckie--

you're the coolest guys.

So, what were you saying?

Never mind.

But I got to ask you:

What's with that hat
you wear all the time?

It's a Sherpa hat.

Yeah, Sher-pathetic!

[ laughs]

It happens to be
a Himalayan chulu hat.

That's because
it chul-looks ugly.

[ mockingly]:
"Look at me... I'm Dil.

I'm the weird one."

That's it!

I've had it with you!

You're selfish,
obnoxious,

and nobody likes you!

And one more thing--

nobody... touches... the hat.

I'm... Morty-fied.

[ all grunt]

Way to go,
Lillian!

I called it first.

Oh, you just want everything
to yourself, don't you?

I'm not the one
who blabbed

behind her
brother's back.

Well, I'm not the one
who ignored her friend!

Hey, I'm the one
who got dumped!

I'm in pain here!

You're the one who said
he didn't like me, jerk!

Creep!

Liar!

[ cheering]

[ blows whistle]

I guess
I jumped the g*n

on the victory
celebration.

Tell me you didn't
order a clown.

Worse.

Hey, what's this?

A quarter
in your ear?

[ growls]

I can't believe we lost
the chance to go to Hawaii.

Maybe if Wally hadn't dumped me,
we wouldn't have.

Say that one more time

and I'm making you sit
with the rest of the team.

[ knuckles cracking]

I'm sorry.

This was all my fault.

I have to admit, I was jealous.

I didn't want
to lose my brother.

I can't believe
you thought that.

I'll always love you.

W-w-what did you just say?

Nothing.

LIL:
Wally!

Wait.

Look, I don't blame you
for being mad at me--

I did an awful thing--

but don't take it
out on my brother.

He really does like you.

The thing is, this
whole boy-girl thing
is so confusing.

It just seems
to mess everything up.

So that means we can all
just be friends again?

Totally.

Hey, I heard
they just repaved
Nosebleed Hill.

Let's go get our bikes.

Great!

Hey, little lady,
what's in your ear?

A quarter?

Hey, slowpoke,
what's keeping you?

Are you coming
or not?
Right behind you.

PANGBORN:
Hey, Pickles!

I want to talk you

about what you said
to my nephew.

I don't know what you said...

but you really
turned Morty around.

All of a sudden he was

this polite, considerate,
kindhearted child.

I was just honest with him, sir.

Whatever you did,

when I put him on that bus
back to Ohio this morning,

he was changed man.

Thanks.

[ laughing]

[ Morty laughing]

I love doing that!