05x01 - Susie Goes Bad Lite

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ school bell ringing]

GIRL:
I thought I'd die of boredom.

If only.

At least then
I'd be out of my misery.

Did you understand
one single thing
that man said?

Only equations one through

are due tomorrow.

Yeah, what a drip.

I don't even think

he knows anyone's name;

he's always looking
on the seating chart.

Mr. Marsh has
got to be

the worst
math teacher ever.

Ever.

SUSIE:
Thanks,
Mr. Marsh.

I'll be sure to return

that quantum
mechanics book.

Hey, girls.

You stopped to talk
to Mr. Marsh?

Of course not.

He stopped
and talked to me.

He knew your name?

Of course he
knows hername.

It's Miss
Perfect.

Perfect?

I don't think so.

Please.

Perfect grades,
perfect attendance...

Perfect oral hygiene.

It must be so nice
gliding through life.

But as our teen years
advance, Susie,

you do increasingly
run the risk

of being seen
as a...

hmm, how shall I say it?

A goody-goody.

A goody-goody?!

You know, just something
to think about

as you hover on the brink
of say, uh, boring.

[ girls laughing]

Boring?!

Did you just
hear that?

Yeah, and keep away.

I don't want any of
that goody-goody stuff

rubbing off
on me.

I am not a goody-goody.

I mean...

Okay.

Just last week,

I, uh...

Ooh, and then there was...

I almost tipped a cow once.

Remember?

"Almost" doesn't
cut it.

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I want to make
an anonymous statement

about Marsh the Harsh.

SUSIE:No!
I'll do it.

You call that
insulting?

I-I was just
warming up.

Now, that's more
like it.

PHIL:
Of course I got
my paperwork in on time.

I just can't remember which
elective I picked is all.

How hard is it
to remember one class?

I remember I signed up
for news photography.

And I'm going to get me some
serious by-line in journalism.

I even made up
a nickname for myself.

Go ahead, guess.

Bet you can't.

"Scoop."

Aw, man, you guessed.

Now, was it shop class...

Sweet.

Except it might
have been astronomy.

Not bad, but now I'm thinking
it was synchronized swim.

Okay, I'm hoping it's not that.

TOMMY:
It isn't.

It's cooking.

What?!

[ softly]:
I didn't sign up
for that.

No, the school did.

It's the fallback class.

When you don't sign up
for anything...

Cooking?!

[ sighs]

Might as well go
to the football field

and get the b*ating
over with now.

[ dryly]:
The sextant of quadrant B
intersects here.

So exponent y is over .

Or is it over ?

[ Pangborn clears throat
over loudspeaker]

A little announcement.

I have just been informed

that some young lady has taken
to rendering some art

in the girls' room, and not
that I'm pointing any fingers...

but Angelica Pickles is to
report to my office immediately!

Me?
Oh, you're Pickles?

Here.

But, sir...

I'm the one who graffitied
the girls' room.

[ class laughs]

Susie Carmichael,
it's very gallant for you

to want to take the fall
for a friend,

but that won't be necessary.

[ groans]

[ door opens, closes]

And the ability to separate
yolks from whites

is a cornerstone
in the culinary arts.

We shift the yolk back and forth
between the two shells,

thusly allowing the egg white
to fall into our bowl.

Now, I know this is difficult,

so I don't expect you
to get this right... away.

[ class gasps]

[ sighs boredly]

Impressive, but know
what to do with this?

Get the yolk.

And it's down.

And then it's over.

Pow!

[ laughs]

Oh...

The hall monitor claims
she saw me leaving the bathroom

right before the graffiti
was discovered.

Now I have to scrub the graffiti
off the entire bathroom

all because of this force field
of perfection around you.

This is the worst.

GIRL:
Angelica.

Love the misdeed.

You've gained some
serious street cred, girl.

GIRL:
Is it true

you have to scrub all
the bathroom graffiti?

Bathroom?

Try the whole school.

Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.

Sit with us?

Hey, it was mymisdeed,
therefore mystreet cred.

Oh, Susie, you really are
too good to be true.

Now, you just
give it up, girl.

I wouldn't have
done the crime

if couldn't
do the time.

Fine.

You don't believe me?

I'm going to go confess
to Pangborn.

Just watch and see
who's scrubbing the graffiti

off the walls around here.

[ Pangborn laughing
uproariously]

But I am telling the truth--
I did it!

[ laughing]

[ choking]

[ gasps]

[ choking]

[ groans sharply]

[ food splats]

Susie, what can I say?

You saved my life.

Didn't mean to,
it just sort of happened.

But you sure
had me going there.

The day Susie Carmichael goes
bad is the day chickens fly.

[ laughs]

Now, get back to your class
before you mess up

your perfect
attendance record.

You hear?

[ guffawing]

[ groaning]:
Oh...

"All-Around Perfect Student."

Well, look out, people.

There's going to be
eggs on the sidewalk,

because chickens
are going to fly!

KIMI:
Are you sure you want to mess
with this perfect thing?

Yeah-- you've,
like... perfected it.

Well, I am over it.

I am tired of everyone thinking
I'm so perfect.

And I'm going to start
with some wicked pranks,

like turning all
the library books backwards.

[ giggling]

[ bell rings]

Mrs. Hamfish?

I need to do
some research.

Mind if I stay an extra hour?

Just remember to lock up.

Listen to me--

like I need to tell
Susie Carmichael that.

[ laughing sinisterly]

Hey.

What's an "M" doing
with all the "A's"?

An "S"?!

Were you people raised
in a barn?

Dickens, Dostoyevsky...

[ door opens, man whistles]

P-jiminy!

That sure looks festive.

Thanks!

D'oh!

She called me a culinary genius.

Can you imagine?

Me, a genius?

Mrs. Cunningham said
if I keep working at it,

maybe one day I could have
my own cooking show.

[ sniffing]

Ugh...

How about calling it
"School Cafeteria Makeover"?

All it needs is
a little parsley.

Ugh, don't tell me.

You're going to use curly-leaf,
am I right?

Step aside, knave.

It's, like, I'm genetically
incapable of being bad.

LIL:
So? We like you
the way you are.

What, on the edge
of... boring?

I am so goody-goody,
I even ran out of ideas

for bad things
to do.

You could start
a food fight.

But they just repainted it here.

And...

Hand me the sandwich.

Wait!

It's all about
presentation.

Okay, now just
throw it.

Well?

Where'd it go?

You threw it,
right?

Of course I threw it!

[ gasps]

It isn't me...

It-it's my hand,
it won't let go!

Creepy.

Angelica's right:

I do have this force field
of perfection around me.

I'll always be reliable,
always get good grades,

always floss,
and always do the right thing.

I'll probably end up
president of the United States.

My life stinks!

MAN:
Do all
your homework?

Yes.

How about
the extra credit?

Yes.

Draft that essay

about why I'd like to go
to space camp this summer?

Yes, yes and yes!

Did you just
mouth off to me?

No, I didn'...

Yeah...

Yes! Yes, I did.

I did mouth off!

There's hope for me yet!

[ whooping]

That's right! I'm bad!

[ door closes]

PHIL:
See, Chuckie, you've been
doing it all wrong.

You have to add the fruit
while the blender's going

so you emulsify
the ingredients, see.

You just don't want to throw
everything in there

and hit "puree"--
that's amateur hour.

Darn, forgot the mango.

You ain't seen nothing

till you see me
pit a mango.

You got to help me!

He's been here for two hours
lecturing me

on things like prep and
the proper way to peel a banana!

Isn't there only one way
to peel a banana?

No, Tommy, no, there isn't.

I can't take it anymore.

We need to do
something about it!

I know he's annoying,

but shouldn't we
be happy for him?

Phil's found
something

he's really
good at-- food.

I just never expected it
from a guy

who just last week filled his
bellybutton with peanut butter

and called it a meal.

Ah, glad
you're here, Tom.

I was thinking about
your mom's fajitas.

Her specialty--
got to love it.

No, you don't.

Walk with me.

ANGELICA:
And then Pangborn told me
if I ever did graffiti again...

He'd suspend you.He'd suspend you.

Did I tell you about how
his neck hairs stood on end

when he yelled at me?

Each and every
follicle.

Face it, Angelica,
your bad isn't
good anymore.

[ kids gasping]

Susie, is that you?!

What's up, fool?

I just
can't believe it.

You look so...

Bad.

Yes, you look bad,
but are you?

Susie Carmichael?

She wouldn't
hurt a fly.

[ buzzing sickly]

Well, judge for yourselves
just how bad I am.

Sorry, got my vest caught
in the copy machine,

so I'm going to have to write
today's quiz on the board.

[ scratching]

[ students titter]

MARSH:
Hmm...

how'd this get
in here?

ANGELICA:
I mean, big deal.

Chalk in the eraser.

Seen it a million times.

And that one, too.

And did you grease

all the toilet seats
in the girls' room?

Hmm, maybe.

That was you?

I could've used a warning.

Gee, Angelica,

Susie's getting to be
better at this than you.

All those things
are straight out
of Bad for Morons.

Well, here's one that isn't.

You know
that old pair of sneakers

hanging the top of the abandoned
telephone company building?

The ones
that those two
football players

stole from a freshman
and stuck up there
a long time ago?

Only when they were
coming down, they fell off?

One of them broke his leg

and the other one can't
say "thermometer" anymore?

Uh-huh.

Never heard of them.

No one's gone up there
to get them since

because they're too afraid.

And you want one of us
to go up there get them?

You'd make
bad history.

This is
insulting.

Insulting!

I've spent my whole life

lying, cheating
and manipulating people.

No, ten lifetimes!

I don't need to prove
how bad I am to anyone.

Nuh-uh!

My résumé
is full.

I'll do it.

You're on.

TOMMY:
Okay, Phil, step away
from the whisk.

Huh?

We're here
to help you, son.

Have you guys gone loco?

The step is to admit
you have a problem.

I do--

these eggs aren't organic.

[ grunting]

Hey!

Oh!

Poor thing.

Look at yourself,
Phil.

All you think about
these days is food.

The other night at my house,
you made my mom cry.

Well, frozen peas!

You can't let
something like that go.

You know what?

I think you guys are jealous
because I've found

something I'm really good at
and you guys didn't.

In fact, I have been chosen

to do a cooking demonstration
tonight for the school board.

I was going to invite
you guys,

but since you think I'm just
some bizarro food snob,

you can stuff it!

[ licking]

Ahh...

Wow, he is good.

[ wind whistling]

Doesn't look
so scary to me.

A walk in the park.

What were we
even thinking?

I'm blowing
this pop stand.

Me, too.

I mean, there is
a world of difference

between being bad
and being stupid.

No one could have said
it more perfectly.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah... I'll see you.

[ knock at door]

In a minute!

My base coat's still tacky.

Angelica, you got to...

Yike!

Hey, beauty isn't pretty.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'm in the middle
of a home spa treatment.

But Susie's climbing
the phone company building.

What?!
She said she was going home.

Uh-uh.

We went by to see
how scary the place was

and she had
already snuck in.

We tried to talk her out of it,
but we couldn't.

Give me a minute.

You've seen that place--
we don't have a minute!

Okay, okay.

They won't be back
for another hour.

LIL:
There she is!

It doesn't look
sturdy enough
to hold all of us.

And I had
a big dinner.

Fine, I'll go.

[ grunting]

[ panting]

ANGELICA:
Stop!

[ gasping]

You got to stop skipping
gym class, girl.

Look, Susie, you said yourself

there's a big difference
between bad and stupid,

and this is stupid.

Forget it.
I didn't get all the way up here

notto get those sneakers.

Oh, man!

Now I know why those
football players fell.

They must have passed out
from the smell of those things.

I mean, we are talking ripe.

Stop!

Listen to me...

If you get those sneakers down,
you won't be proving you're bad.

You'll just be
doing one more thing
absolutely perfectly!

Now, do you really
want that hanging
over your head?

You do have a good point.

I do?

I do.

Now, let's go home.

[ screaming]

[ screaming continues]

Angelica, I don't know
if I can hang on.

You don't and
I'll never speak
to you again-- literally!

If we sprint,
we can probably catch up
with that patrol car.

Hang on!

ANGELICA:
Did you hear that?

We just have to hang on.

And hope these laces
hold out.

[ moaning]

TOMMY:
You realize this may be

the last time
we hang out with Phil?

And I say this
as a journalist:

It's real hard
being objective.

[ applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight I shall be
making for you

a Swiss cheese torte
with caramelized onions.

AUDIENCE:
Ooh...

[ gasping]

ALL:
Eww!

What?

What I do?

[ girls groaning]

SUSIE:
Where are they?

My fingers feel like
they're about to fall off.

You just need something
to take your mind
off the pain.

I know-- I'll sing.

You sing and I'll
let go for sure.

I just can't believe
you got us into this

just to prove to Brianna
you're not perfect.

Since when do you care
about what she thinks?

That's my pathetic deal.

Not her.
I wanted to prove it to myself.

Prove what?

That you can break
every bone in your body?

You're the one
who never caves
to peer pressure.

We need girls
like you around

to make the rest of us
look bad.

But people don't realize
the kind of sweat

that goes
into being perfect.

I don't glide
through anything,

I have to work at it.

You do?

Of course I do!

Oh.

[ screaming]

[ air hissing]

[ sniffs]

[ groans]

That was the stupidest,

most dangerous,
stupidest...

You said that already.

And I'm going to keep
saying it, young lady.

You're right.

It was dangerous and stupid,

but don't blame Angelica.

She just came up
to talk some sense into me.

I don't believe it.

This was youridea?

Do you realize what this will do
to your permanent record?

Susie, please...

You don't have
to cover for me.

I was the one
who started this.

Now, thatI believe.

Folks, I need you
to sign off
on your kids

and these rank sneakers.

Why did you do that?

Do you know what kind of grief
you're going to catch?

Look, you wanted
to prove to yourself

you weren't perfect;
you did.

No reason
you need to mess up

everything you've
worked so hard for.

Thanks.

Besides, that kilt-
with-the-jeans look--

you really
can't carry it off.

Watch it.

I still can't believe they
kicked you out of cooking class.

Who knew
there were things

called
health regulations?

But you're so good at it.

Aw, that's
okay, fellas.

I'll find
something else.

You know my motto:

"Never pursue a profession where
you got to wash your hands."

Swiss cheese torte?

Uh, no, thanks.Rain check?

SUSIE:
What's up, fool?