05x02 - Golden Boy

[bunniefuu]

SUSIE:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

Got to go hang
with Rachel
all day today-- bye.

Mom, there's some Germ...

Mind giving me a hand?

What is all
this stuff?

A yard sale,

but since I don't
have a yard,

I'm borrowing yours.

Who's she?

Your grandmother,
back in the day.

Eww.

[ laughs]

You boys will fall for anything.

It's Rita.

I won her in a poker game.

You boys help yourselves
to my treasures

before they fly
off the shelves.

I'm all over these wire hangers!

Uh, one man's trash

is another man's
intergalactic transmitter.

Bring it to
the baseball game
tonight, Tommy,

so you don't
get beaned
with a foul tip.

Look what happened
to him.

Anybody? Hello.

Hello!

The game is tonight?

I have plans with
my almost-girlfriend Rachel.

But it's opening day
and it's tradition--

you and me, kid.

I don't know if I can cancel.

Well, I guess you won't
be needing this then.

Want to go
to the game
tonight, Dil?

Oh, I didn't know
you guys were into
organized sports.

Yeah, that and
Italian cooking.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, I guess
I'll go to the game.

GRANDPA:
But there are
some conditions:

No rooting for
the opposing team

and you got to wear
normal clothes.

Deal.

[ Drew laughs]

Whoa.

So, this is where they
put the new dumpsite.

Dad...

what did you do
to my lawn?

And what's your jalopy
doing here?

GRANDPA:
Fact is, I've
been waiting

for just the right time

to give this baby away.

But I couldn't figure out

which one of you
should have it.

Dad, I'd love to have it,

but it wouldn't be
fair to Drew,

who's always
wanted it.

Yeah, but Stu is

your favorite son.

Which is why Drew

should have it.

Hope you enjoy her.

I know I did.

Oh, you are
going to pay

for this.

Don't just
stand there.

Get your junk heap
out of my driveway.

[ car banging noisily]

[ machine whirring]

DIDI:Oh.

Grandpa's old shredder
is a gift from heaven.

Clutter just
disappears.

I've already tackled
old newspapers,
expired coupons...

Ah.

Who does that belong to?

Hands off, that's mine.

The yearly
fishing trip, huh?

Grandpa gets me
a new rod every year
to celebrate

and because I break the one
from the year before.

Yeah, that was awesome!

Nobody does the wave
like you, Lou!

How was the game?

BOTH:
Unbelievable.

DIL:
Our team
was losing

until the bottom
of the ninth,

when they
cleaned up.

Hey, Lou,
hey, hey.

Who am I?

[ Dil and Grandpa laugh]

[ laughs weakly]

Oh, and what
about the kid
with the peanuts?

I'm, like, "Hey, try
taking the shells off
before you eat them."

[ laughs weakly]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

No, it's not.

He almost choked
to death.

GRANDPA:
You sure missed

a good game, Tommy.

I think it was
the best game ever.

[ both laugh]

[ doorbell rings]I guess you just
had to be there.

"Happy late birthday.
Love, Drew."

[ car door closes,
tires squeal]

[ screams]

The old re-gifting scam, huh?

Well, two can play at that game.

[ gasps]

"Happy fishing, Dil.
Grandpa."

You're destroying
our pictures?

Only the ones where I'm
having a bad hair day.

I'm running
out of paper,

so I thought
you and I

could clean out the garage
this weekend.

But I'm going fishing
with Grandpa.

Grandpa assumed
you were busy,
so he's taking Dil.

No, I'm not busy,
not busy at all.

Well, you can
let them know that

when they get back
from B-Movies in the Park.

What is going on here?

I'm the movie guy, not Dil.

[ Dil and Grandpa laughing]

Where have you been?

The movies.

Oh, the movies, huh?

Do you know what time it is?

Why didn't you call?

Is that a root beer float stain

on your jacket?

I will not be
ignored, Grandpa.

"World's Greatest
Grandfather"?

It goes
with this one.

TOMMY:
"World's Best
Grandson"?

I demand to know
where you got those shirts.

Don't get your panties
in a bunch.

I got you
one, too.

"World's Greatest Yodeler"?

It was either that
or the one that
said "Foxy Mama."

Well, we'd better
hit the hay
if we're going

to get a jump
on the fish.

Ah, our old fishing trips...

Reminds me of the time
we ran over our cooler

and had to eat
flattened fried chicken

for a week.

Or the day we saw
a family of beavers
building a dam?

It rained,
so we checked
into a hotel

and watched
the Wild Animal
Channel.

Tommy, do you
want to go, too?

No... not really.

Fine.

I'm already packed.

My grandsons
on a fishing trip--

life doesn't get much better
than that.

I know exactly what
you're trying to do:

replace me as
number-one grandson.

Are you sick?

Your minutes
are over.

The shine's
off the nickel

and it's "in:
Tommy Pickles;

"out: What's-
His-Name,

the younger
brother."

Dude, I have
no interest

in being
Grandpa's favorite.

I'm happy to be number two--

after you and
before Angelica.

Besides,
the crazy lady

with the bird's nest in her hair

says I'm her favorite
every time I give her a quarter.

Know this:

I may be leaving
this house in second,

but I will return from this trip

having reclaimed my spot
as number one.

I'd rather not
indulge you

in your infantile competition,
but if I have to...

bring it on.

Don't even
think about it.

From here on in, boys,
we leave civilization behind.

Hope I can get the game on this.

Look no further-- I found the
perfect spot to set up camp.

Nice work,
Dil, my boy.

Wait-- I've got a better one.

With a view!

Over... there.

Number one.

Now, this is
the perfect spot.

[ splash]

DIL:
Guys!
Over here.

Check out the view.

You planned this, didn't you?

Yeah, I planted
the flowers months ago,

but the guy in the
deer costume was extra.

[ chuckling]

[ mosquitoes buzzing]

A little slice of heaven,
isn't it, boys?

Except for the skeeters.

But they got to eat, too.

Nature fun fact:

A dryer sheet under the belt
wards off mosquitoes for hours.

I'll try
anything once.

That's ridiculous.

Fancy that.

Works like a charm.

Thanks for
the helpful hint, Dil.

[ imitating Grandpa
as mosquitoes buzz]

Ooh, I got
something.

[ laughing]

GRANDPA:
What a beaut!

And your first time out
of the gate, too.

[ camera clicks]

Uh...

GRANDPA:Dil,
you're a natural.

I have
an advantage.

I speak fish.

[ cawing and hooting]

You got to be kidding me.

Whoa!

Promise me you'll teach me

how to speak fish
one of these days.

Be happy to.

It's a lot
like turtle

but with more lip.

[ kissing]

I got a bite!

Ha, I... hey, it's coming!

I got it, I got it!

DIL:
It's a little payback
for littering.

The lake has
eyes, bro.

The lake has eyes.

Aw...

[ cawing]

Dil, that's
our dinner.

Sorry, I wouldn't
feel comfortable

feasting on
our brethren
of the lake.

We have a relationship now.

[ cooing]

[ mosquitoes buzzing]

[ alarm chirps]

[ screams]

Throw me that rope,
will you, Dil?

I'll do it.

[ yells]

Isn't it a bit chilly
for a swim?

[ shivering]:
No, it's like
bath water.

What? What is it?

[ screaming]:
Aah, leeches!

[ screaming]

[ laughing]

Okay, nature boy,
why don't you

just talk these
things off of me?

[ whispering]

Okay, sit up.

Now beg.

Good leech!

I'm hitting
the woods.

Why don't you two
set up the tent?

It's mine, all mine.

Congratulations, psycho.

Where you going?

That's for me to know...
and for me to know.

Unbelievable!

Sound structure,
easy on the eyes...

You know, in
all my years of camping,

I've never seen
anything like it.

Yeah, thanks.

I thought you'd be into it.

[ whimpering]

[ squeaking]

I wasn't talking to you.

[ both gasp]

I got up early this morning
to get breakfast started.

Nothing special--

eggs, bacon,
pancakes, tiramisuù.

Sheesh, I haven't eaten
this well

since your great-grandma's wake.

Number one.

Tiramisuù?
Cheap sh*t.

Oh, if we're
talking cheap,

you taking credit
for my tepee

was discount city.

TOMMY:
I had no choice.

You kept showing me up,
you and your leech talking.

How can I compete
with that?

You can't, which is

why you should settle
for number two,

because that's
where you'll stay.

You think so, huh?
I know so.

Hey, isn't it time
for a hike, Grandpa?

Hey, hey!

I'm still chewing here.

But seeing how gung-ho
you two are, how can I say no?

[ hawk cries]

Let's see...
which hike should we take?

I was thinking
we hit the five-miler.

Really?

I was willing
to go ten.

Thirteen.Fifteen.
Whoa!

Hey, don't forget there's
an old guy in the mix.

DIL AND TOMMY:
Deadman's Peak.

Wait, let me read
the fine print:

"A difficult trek,
length unknown

"as no one's ever
completed the hike

"without a helicopter rescue.

All hikers must sign
release forms upon entry."

This is really
what you guys want to do?

Yep.You bet.

Then who am I
to be a wet blanket?

To Deadman's Peak!

Where I can only hope
false advertising is at play.

[ panting]

What's the matter?

Having trouble
keeping up

with Number One?

Don't worry,
you'll be coming in second,

just like you always do.

[ panting, then groaning]

TOMMY:
Let's make
this hike interesting.

DIL:
Make it so, brother man.

I'm going
to finish this hike

with only half
a canteen of water.

I'll do it with a third.

No water.

No water and no food.

No flashlight,
no sunscreen,
no pocketknife.

No compass,
no first-aid kit,
no dryer sheets.

No shirt.

No shoes.

No socks.

No pants!

You're on your own
with that one, bro.

[ whistling tune]

[ laughing]

[ gasps loudly]

Stu!

This has gone far enough!

You and Drew need
to work this out ASAP.

Oh, and don't worry
about the tickets.

I'll take care of them.

[ shredder whirring]

A tie.

Now what are we
going to do?

We're all
out of trail!

We'll forge a new one...

with our bare hands.

It's just crazy enough
to work.

[ Grandpa panting]

Dead man reporting
for duty.

BOYS:
Grandpa!

[ muttering incoherently]

Grandpa, are you okay?

We're... we're
going in, soldiers--

for mile-high pie!

What's wrong with him?

It looks like heat exhaustion.

And when the fighter planes flew
over, I took cover under a cow.

No!

No more bologna sandwiches!

[ yelling]

He needs food.

And water, I know.

Oh, why did we throw
our supplies away?

Jungle fever?

We're in the woods.

Woods fever?

We're idiots?

[ muttering]

We have to get him
to a hospital.

How?

I don't know.

Maybe he'll be okay

and he just
needs to rest
for a little while.

i¡Viva la revolución!

[ boys straining]

I'm losing my grip.

At least
I warned you.

[ straining]

He'd be so much easier to carry

if we could redistribute
his weight.

If only we had a stretcher.

I'll find
some branches.

And I'll find,
uh, something

that goes between
the branches.

[ hawk cries]

[ boys straining]

Sticker bushes
on the right.

Thanks for
the bottoms-up,

but after what
we did to Grandpa,

we deserve to suffer.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

I know what you mean.

BOTH:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

There's my shirt...

and your shoes.

My pants!

Hungry...

Thirsty...

Achy...

Oh, hang in
there, Grandpa,

we're on the case.

Was he just smiling?

Rubber biscuits!

[ boys grunting and straining]

You sure you want
to do this?

Absolutely.

What are we going
to say happened?

Spontaneous combustion?

BOTH:
Accident.

Well, let's put her
out of our misery.

[ both grunting]

We shall never speak
of this again.

Nice dress.

Nice shoes.

You want a straw?

Right now,
all I want

is for Grandpa
to be okay.

That's all I want, too...

and maybe some pants.

I can't believe
Grandpa's in the hospital

all because I wigged

about not being
his favorite.

People have done
worse for less.

And hamsters-- well, they
don't do nothing for nobody.

Not grandparents?

It seems like
the older I get,

the harder it is to talk
to Mom and Dad,

but with Grandpa,
it's different.

Color me intrigued.

I can tell him anything

and I won't be judged,
yelled at or punished.

Though sometimes I think
it's because he's dozed off.

So that's why
you went so aggro

about being
the favorite.

This grandparent thing
is a sweet deal.

Yep.

Too bad he's never going
to speak to us again.

Yep.

Tommy...

I need to ask
you something.

Why are we
drinking coffee?

You watch
soap operas.

That's what people do
in waiting rooms.

[ Muzak playing]

[ both spit and groan]

MAN:
The patient will make
a full recovery

if he doesn't exert himself
for the next decade.

[ boys sigh]

Grandpa, I'm so sorry

for being such a jerk
on the fishing trip.

Me, too.

I forgive you.

Just like that?

No yelling?

No getting mad?

No punishment?

That's what
grandparents are for.

Sweet.

Since you can't get mad

because it's
in your job description,

mind settling
something for us?

Who is your
favorite grandchild?

Tell you what.

I'll write down the name,
put it in an envelope,

but it only be opened
after I'm gone.

Boys, the patient
needs his rest.

Bye, Grandpa.

Check you
later, Lou.

[ both laughing]

Oh, when you
first showed up,

I knew you were
up to something, Lou.

Teaching my grandsons a lesson.

Faking an illness was
the only thing I could do

to get them to stop fighting.

Well, it worked.

And here
I was thinking

we'd have to break out
the full-body cast again.

[ both laughing]

Grandpa, you got
to stay elevated.

Here's your paper,
some soup, ice cream

and a laser pointer
in case you get bored

and want to point at
some junk in the room.

There's been
an accident.

With the car.

It's totaled.
Sorry.

Do you have any idea
how much that car was worth?!

It was a piece of junk.

That "junk" was
driven by Elvis!

Not only was it
a collector's item,

it was worth
a fortune!

I can't believe
you made us push
it off a cliff!
It was your idea!

"Come on, Stu,
let's make it disappear."

You pushed it off a cliff?

Stop getting him
all worked up.

He almost d*ed
from heat exhaustion.

BOTH:
Heat exhaustion?

I've... got to go
out for a while.

Sorry, boys,

the heat exhaustion thing
is a scam.

Don't
feel bad.

When we
were kids,

your dad and I
fell for it, too.

Told you he was smiling
when he was unconscious.

That guy...

We promised Grandpa

we'd wait until
he's gone to open this.

But he didn't say
gone where.

[ Didi humming tune]

What's she doing?

[ both gasp as shredder whirs]

BOTH:
Mom!

Hey, Dil,
I got a letter.

A... a "G"?

But neither one
of us has a...

[ gasps]

Oh, no...

It couldn't be,
could it?

His favorite is... Angelica?!

[ groans]

I refuse to accept that as fact.

"Gotcha."

DIL:
Sweet.