05x09 - Brothers Grimm

[bunniefuu]

BOY:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music plays]

♪ Every birthday
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ You're another year older

♪ Another year wiser

♪ But I still go to school
to get an education ♪

♪ I treat each and every day
like a mini vacation ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up with you

♪ All grown up with... you!

[ shouts out]

Over here!We're stranded.

[ grunting, wood clattering]

Must be a
native greeting.

Soz!

Don't leave me here!

Wait! Come back!

Wait! Come back!

[ audience laughing]

Tommy, fajitas!
Wait! Come back!

[ audience laughing]

[ lively Latin music
playing on TV]

Dinner time, Dil.

Stu, sometimes I think

those boys are getting
way too much tube time.

Mm-hmm.

Alone in their rooms
playing video games.

Glued to those Spanish language
dance shows

with the coochie-coochie girls

wearing inappropriate
tee-shirts.

Mm-hmm.

Stu, is that a buffalo
up your nose?

Mm-hmm.

[ lively Latin music plays]

DIDI [ screaming]:
Family meeting!

I mean, I've heard
about families

who don't have television.

Yeah, but you never think

it'll happen
to someone you know.

My mom says we don't talk
as a family anymore.

Our family watches TV,
and we talk.

That's what commercials are for.

It's Tommy's fault.

And did you learn anything,
bro? No.

Never say to your mom,
"You're too old

to carry that TV
out of here."

What are you going to do?

[ swallows]:
Ugh!

Nothing we can do.

Except miss my favorite
soap opera,

Hospital de Temptacion.

Incredible!

No TV?

I cannot even imagine that.

[ gasps]

And this is the week
they'll be picking the winner

on America's
Most Talented Icons.

Mi corazon!

Mi corazon!

I don't get it.

How can anyone concentrate
with all this... quiet?

I know.

[ makes crackling noise ]

Not helping.

[ liquid dripping]

What is that faucet sound?

It's not a faucet.

It's my postnasal drip.

Well, can you knock it off?

How? Stop
breathing?

You offered.

Do you have to
write so loud?

Just trying
to block out the sound

of your postnasal waterfall.

You know,
before Mom took the TV away,

I thought
Iwas the annoying one.

[ sniffling,
stuffy breathing]

[ crying]

We finished our homework.

Now, what do we do?

Yeah, we're bored.

You know, when we were your age,
we didn't have kids channels

and hour programming.

We used our imaginations.

You also had cars
without seat belts.

Was that a good idea, too?!

Ixnay on the
old thing, bro.

[ lively Latin music playing]

Well, Deed,
that's the last of 'em.

[ sniffles]

See, isn't this better?

We can finally talk as a family

without competing
with that annoying boob tube.

[ phone ringing]

I'm expecting
somebody.

Let me get it,
let me get it!

Hello?[ males sigh]

BETTY:
So, Deed,

word in the hood is
you pulled the plug.

[ bones snapping]That true?

Yes, it is, Betty.
Not a television in the house.

And the boys couldn't be
adjusting better.

It's so much more relaxing
around here.

I even took up knitting.

You make a lot of sense there,
Didi.

[ music playing]

[ music stops]

[ deep gasp]

She did, did she?

[ simple playful melody]

[ grunting and panting]

BOY:
Did you see
Really Talented American Icon?

Can you believe
that guy won?!

I can sing
better than that.

What do you think, Tommy?

Go jump off a cliff!

Hey, T, want to snag
a piece of pie?

Better yet, why don't we go
bake some?!

The home ec room is open.

Dil, I think
you've had enough sugar.

No sugar, bro.

Just a lot of sleep.

I was so bored
without television last night,

I was nighty-night by :.

Now I've got energy to burn.

Good, 'cause
you're gonna need it.

Why?

To run from them!

There
they are.

Get 'em!

Yeah!Yeah!

[ panting loudly]

Guys.

[ laughs]:
What up?

What up?!

I'll tell you what up!

Our parents took away
our TVs, too!

I take it

that you're not happy?

Not happy?

We're choleric
in our displeasure.

BOTH:
What?

See what you did!

He's been talking like that

ever since my dad
unplugged the TV.

Guys, ease up.

We miss TV, too,
but we'll come up

with other ways
to entertain ourselves.

Yeah. Like, we could learn
to fly rockets.

Oh, better yet,
why don't we build our own?

Cut out the middle man.

Liquid nitrogen
or solid fuel?

TOMMY:
Come on, guys,

we didn't used to
need TV to have fun.

And we don't need it now.

Let's show our parents
they can't break us.

We don't have much choice.

We should give
it a try.

To the victors go the spoils.

Stop that!

Agreed?

ALL:
Agreed.

Come on, come on, come on!

Yes! Level six!

Oh. Too sad.

Here's one that
looks fun.

It's some kind of money game.

Mom and Dad bought it for us.

[ coughs]

Who says we need TV
to be entertained, huh?

Whoa! Look at all the pieces.

This'll take us forever
to set up.

What's a convertible bond?

A form of debit investment
that compounds over time

and can be...Shuffle.

Okay, so who goes first?

"Play begins
when the second player

"from the left rolls three times

"his total
revenue output

"or percent of his

"annualized income.

If he does not..."

My turn.

Yes, yes, jump it,
jump it, jump...

All right!

Now, this is better.

Out in the sunshine.

Getting our verb on.

See, according
to Newton's second law

of physics,
acceleration
equals that

of force times mass.

Hence, a beach ball

has less acceleration
than, say a...

Bowling ball?

Uh, Phil...

[ thudding, car alarm sounding]

ALL:
Run!

[ panting]

You forgot Newton's
first law!

Tommy's Dad is

gonna k*ll us!

[ metal clinking]

Do you have
to keep doing that?

Just turn on the TV, honey.

Oops.

Darn. Broke another one.

[ screaming]

[ shrieks, panting]

[ whimpering]

LIL [ chortling]:
Nice backpack, Tommy.

Beats the thermos
she knitted me.

It's :.
What are you doing

eating lunch?

It feels like lunch... to me.

I got here at : this morning.

I even helped Karl
wax the floors.

Why, Phillip, you
look so wan.

If that means bad, I am.

I'm losing it, man.

Last night,
I had the scariest dream.

I was a shrunken head
on Gallegos Island.

Definitely subconscious anxiety.

Better known as the TV-DT's.

What's this look like to you?

I hate smart Chuckie.

Come on, guys,
we can make it without TV.

I know we can.

[ lively Latin music plays]

Shh.

I hear a television
from in there.

Kimi?

Relax, Charles.

What do you think
I'm going to do?

Geesh, chill.

KARL:
Yeah?

Hi. It's Kimi Finster.

I, uh, need toilet bowl cleaner.

Some what?

A dry erase board.

My teacher sent me.

KARL:
Go away.

I know you have a TV in there.

I need to watch it.
I need to watch it

very, very badly.

minutes.

I'll never bug you again.

I want in.

Weakling.

I haven't had one urge
to watch TV.

How much gum
are you up to now?

Like, ten
sticks of it.

Anytime somebody just
mentions TV,

boops, another stick goes in.
It's like

she's addicted,
or something.

I am not addicted.

I can quit anytime.

I am about two seconds
from being an only child.

What can you do to
me that's worse than
being a head kabob?

Open the door, Karl!

I can't take it anymore.

I'm freaking, man.

Guys, we've come this far.

We can't let our parents
break us now.

It'll be a lot easier

if we get away from TV.

Backyard camping.

My house,
tonight.

Isn't this better?

Just us and the
world around us.

Hey, check it out--
the North Star!

See?

Judging from
its position,

it's precisely : o'clock.

You know what that means.

Dumb Tricks
That Can Get You Killedis on.

Ooh, ooh,
did you see
that episode

where the guy was locked
in a box of live bats?

[ all shuddering]

I think bats are way cool.

You want to
know creepy?

Uh, guys?

[ squeaking]

Anyone ever seen that special
on alien crop circles?

[ chuckles]

Yeah, like there's
such things as aliens.

Which brings to my mind that
program, My Uncle The Martian.

It continues to be amusing
without being derivative.

I actually heard
my brain cr*ck that time.

Speaking of time, remember that
episode of Those Wacky Webers

where Jermaine gets
his watchband

stuck on that girl's sweater.

[ laughter]

What was that he said
that was so funny?

[ laughs]

Icht bin laben mein kopf.

[ laughs hysterically]

That's it!

I can't take it anymore!

We've got to get TV back!

Stitch one, purl two...
morning.

Morning.

And you're sure
your mind control stuff

will really work on dad?

I got him to call the fire
department telepathically

that time, didn't I?

That small grease fire
in the oven didn't hurt either.

Hmm.

Let me get you some milk, Dad.

Hmm.

DIL:
French toast, Dad?

Don't forget
the cinnamon sticks.

[ moans]

So dad, how's that-- evening
news-- French toast?

Uh... good.

Better than-- big
football game-- pancakes?

Yeah, I guess.

Dil, you gonna finish your--
inane game show-- eggs?

Listen, TV... I mean, Didi,

I'm really beginning to miss
a television in this house.

I suppose it couldn't hurt
having one for special events.

On second thought, no TV ever.

But, Mom,
there's nothing to do!

Not true.

Without that mindless boob tube,

we finally have the time to add
some culture to this family.

Four tickets to the opera!

[ sings loudly]

That's it.

Mom's going down.

This isn't funny anymore.

We need TV!

I think we can take
your mom, Tommy.

She's scrappy, but
there's only one of her.

If we're gonna scam my mom,

we're gonna have to
step it up a notch.

We need to think
like our parents.

Well, statistics show
parents tend to work

from a place of fear.

So what do parents fear most?

Dirt in the house?

Gum in the car?

Low density lipo proteins?

What? That's
a bad cholesterol.

My mom always says
bad things happen

when kids have too much
time on their hands.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Gosh, I hope not.

We do something stupid
and dangerous that only kids

with too much time
on their hands would do,

and our folks will
be begging us to watch TV!

We can make homemade fireworks!

Or papier-mâché
Phil into a mummy!

A human sacrifice!

No, that's just cool.

I'm thinking a tall tree and
the world's longest zip line.

[ kids enthusiastically agree]

What's a zip line?

Working with
gravity, the subject

is strapped into a rappeler's
harness and attached

by a carabiner to the taut line

of a stainless steel
aircraft cable.

In English.

It's one of those handle
bar thingies you hang onto

and swing across on a rope.

Now did it k*ll you
to say that?

Here's the deal.

We build a rickety platform
way up on

that spindly limb,

string a somewhat frayed rope
over to that other tree,

where the guy drops off into
our half-finished swimming pool.

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

It's perfect!

Uh, query.

Who is said "guy" who is

allegedly taking the plunge?

Why me?

Because the youngest always
has to do the stupid pranks.

What can I say?

When you're right,
you're so wrong!

Don't worry, Dil,
Mom will shut it down

long before you ever step foot
off that poorly constructed,

seemingly unstable platform.

Color me dubious, but I guess
it's worth the risk.

It's embarrassing going to bed
before the sun does.

What are we waiting for?

Let's build us this
piece of junk!

[ hammering]

PHIL:
Ow!

Ow!

PHIL:
Ow!

Too straight.

Perfect.

Chuckie, what is all that?

I'm designing a viewing platform

so we can observe
the action.

That's never gonna happen,
right?

I thought this was
gonna be a pain,

but I'm actually having fun.

Me too.Yeah.

I'd be whooping it up, too...

if only the universe had granted
me a younger brother.

[ chirps]

You're preaching to the choir,
my furry friend.

[ imitates chirping]

[ chirps]

TOMMY [ imitating pirate]:
Argh!

[ making fighting noises]

[ giggles]

[ sighs]

This place is so cool,
I could live up here.

Yeah, it's fierce.

It rocks.

Uh, actually, it doesn't.

With a grade of .,

it's well within
the industry standard.

I'm now scared of
you andfor you.

Well, guess it's time for us

to put the rest of our plan
into effect.

Oh, yeah, the plan.

Dil, climb out to the plank
and grab the handlebar.

Just for show, right, Tommy?

Right.

And I'll go grab some cushions
to break the fall

just in case you miss the pool.

[ chuckles]
Good... What?!

To alarm Mom!

Because it's not happening,
right, Tommy?

Right?!

Right.

Oh, sorry, I stepped
on your, uh...

House cozy.

Knit one,

purl two, knit
one and reduce...

Let's see.

I need something
to use for padding.

Ah, couch cushions.

Couch cushions...

that I'm using

for padding...

next to the tree fort...

wayup in the tree.

Where's Mom?!

I don't know.

I thought I was being
really obvious.

Well, be obviouser!

Don't mind me.

Just taking this out
in case we need more padding.

It's a pretty big drop from that
plank, if you know what I mean.

Hey, Mom, mind if I use
your physician certified

first aid kit
for emergencies only?

Darn!

Dropped a stitch.

Great!

'Cause it'll come in handy
for the massive contusions

Dil's gonna get when he zip
lines feet off the ground

and drops into
the half-empty pool!

Do you think I should knit
room for rain gutters?

[ groans]

Is that what I think it is?!

Yes, it's a first aid kit.

[ screams]

Which you won't need

because you're not even
gonna pretend to jump

because Mom doesn't
seem to care

what we do!

I guarantee you,
if she had the TV on,

she would have heard every word!

Pardon me, Thomas, but...

Chillax.

I told Phil to go down
and keep a look out for my mom.

I thought you said Lil.

[ laughter]

[ chuckles]

[ laughter]

Knit one, purl two, knit one...

[ gasps]

Zip line?!

DIDI:
Tommy Pickles!

[ kids cheer]

Dil, stay in position.

[ muffled laughter]

DIDI:
Get down here
right this instant!

This has to be
the single stupidest thing

you have ever done!

Dil, I want you
on the ground now!

Trust me, Mom,
we all want the same thing.

[ screams]
Woo hoo!

That was wicked awesome!

Can I go again?!

It was completely safe.

My head barely
touchedthe bottom.

Chuckie, this show is lame,
see what else is on.

No can work clicky thing.

He's back.

You know, guys,
this is really boring.

[ kids agree]

Huh?

Anybody up for hanging out
in the tree fort?

[ kids cheer]

Television.
I have to have some television.

Television.
I have to have some television.

I have to have some television,
television.

I got to have some television!

[ pained scream]