05x04 - Parent Traps and Heart att*cks

[bunniefuu]

This is the last
of the sausage rolls.

I know it's against your nature,
but try chewing this time.

I will decline in anticipation

of the cupcakes you hid
in the pots and pans drawer.

So how long is Mary staying
with you? Louise: About a month.

She's splitting her time
between us and her grandmother

till DJ gets back
from visiting Geena in Germany.

Yeah, having a spouse
in the m*llitary,

that's gotta be hard
on a marriage.

Right up there with
hiding cupcakes. Call.

Yo!
Ah!

Suck it, losers!
Full house!

Oh! Damn it. Haven't won
a game in 150 hands.

Maybe not, but you
are lucky in love.

Yeah, yeah, love don't buy
mama no Soda Stream!

Ugh. The coroner.
That's a big "no."

Why is the coroner calling you?

When they find someone
in a forest preserve

that's been chewed up,

they want me to
identify the animal

by the bite or claw marks.

It's always a bear.

I will call them back
in the morning.

How can you be sure it's a bear?

Because if something
has ripped the head off,

it's probably not a raccoon.

Neville, they are really
trying to get a hold of you.

Neville Goldufsky. DVM.
What do you got?

What?

Oh, my God.

Uh, yes.
I'll be right down.

Thank you.
I-I mean, I-I appreciate it.

Thank you.

What?

Our brother Aaron's dead.

Jackie:
Oh, my God.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

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Captions by VITA...

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of
a live studio audience.

Come on. You're up.
You can stare at it forever,

but you gotta pick
a utility bill to pay.

Alright.
You feeling lucky?

Every day when I wake up
in the basement.

Okay, the dryer's
been broken for a month.

Let's go... gas bill!

Damn it!
Electric bill.

Ah, yes!

I've been running my space
heater every night for free.

Hey, don't get cocky.

The cellphone bill is still
coiled up in there like a cobra.

Hey. Isn't your grandma
coming in?

No, she says she's too old to be
exposed to this "filthy house."

Last time she came in
for coffee, she got pinkeye.

Yeah, I guess
if you didn't grow up here,

you don't build up an immunity
to our filth.

So, tonight we're gonna do
all your favorite stuff!

We're gonna make s'mores
and hot chocolate,

and after we're all twitchy
from the sugar

we'll play Operation.

Mnh... ehr!

No, thanks.
I'm kinda tired.

I'm just gonna hang out in
my room and go to sleep early.

Something's going on with Mary.

The last few weeks she's been
here, she's spent all her time

in her room
with the door locked.

And now she doesn't even want
to mainline sugar with you

and play her favorite game?

You're right.

She's antisocial,
she's lethargic,

hates fun.

If she stops caring
how she dresses, she's you!

Yeah, she's me at 14.
She's depressed.

With all the pressure to fit in,

14 is brutal for a girl anyway.

Even for me, and I was

exceptionally popular
and pretty.

DJ is traveling all the time,

her mom is still
stationed overseas,

she's being shuttled back
and forth between two homes.

I mean, what if she's in,
like, a really dark place?

I-I'm gonna talk to her
and help her get through this.

Just because you're depressed
doesn't make you an expert.

I'm a Psych major.

I'm being trained to
handle people in crisis.

I'll talk to her.

Why don't you stick to
addiction? That's your specialty.

When she's guzzling cough syrup
through a crazy straw

out of her pencil bag,
you're up.

Fine.
We'll both talk to her.

Feeling lucky?

Alright. Come on...

Senior Lifeline basic cable.

No Whammies!

Yes! Cable!

Uh... Dad ordered
the Sunday NFL Ticket.

Damn it!

Hey.

Oh, God.
You read my journal.

I didn't do any of those things.
I-I'm writing a screenplay.

No.

Louise and Neville's brother
had a heart att*ck and d*ed.

Neville and Jackie are
bringing his son, Caleb, over.

I'm sorry. I didn't even know
you guys had a brother.

It's okay.
We weren't close.

Aaron was a drunken,
lying degenerate that destroyed

everything he touched
and drove us all away.

God rest his soul.

You can do all that
and still get to God.

That changes my plans.

Caleb is obviously a troubled
kid growing up with my brother,

but he's only 17, and they're
gonna put him in a foster home

if he doesn't come live
with me and Dan

or Jackie and Neville.

Oh, great.
We're taking in an angry teen!

Normally we make 'em here
and ship 'em out.

Are you sure this is a better
environment than a foster home?

The criminals
who come to live here

just become better criminals.

Well, it's only a year.
You know, when he's 18,

he's gonna want
to go out on his own.

I submit to the court
exhibits A and B!

Hey!
Look who's here!

Hey, everybody.
We're home with Caleb.

Caleb, this is your family,
who all love you very much.

Very, very much!

And I love you...

ancient guy,

hot old lady, blondie...

flannel dude.

You forgot me.

No I didn't...
Backwoods Jessica Rabbit.

Maybe we're all
coming on too strong.

Let's start over.

I'm your Aunt Louise.

We know you're hurting and that
all of this is very awkward,

but we just felt
that we owed you

the option of being able
to live with family.

This is your cousin, Darlene.

Come on.
Give him a hug.

Sorry about your dad.

Not as sorry
as the whiskey industry.

I'd like my hug back.

Hey.
I'm cousin Becky.

I'm only hugging you

because you called my sister
"flannel dude."

And this is my husband,
your Uncle Dan. Oh.

You're with him?

He must have a ton
of life insurance.

He thinks I have life insurance.
That's... That's funny.

Where should I put my stuff?

We're all booked up on rooms,

so tonight you can sleep
in the empty trailer out back.

Ah. Nothing says welcome to the
family like sleeping outside.

Is that where you hillbillies
keep the moonshine?

That's an unfair stereotype!

You can't miss it.

It's right through the kitchen

and then turn left
at the chicken coop.

Oh, can we keep him?
Please, please, please?

I want him so bad!

Louise: Wow.

I know he's been through a lot,

but what does he have
against us?

Well, as Lanford's leading
life coach, I don't know.

But... as the child
of a monster

who somehow managed to be
both abusive and negligent,

I'm pretty sure he's got
some major trust issues.

Mm-hmm. Harris,
he seems to like you.

Why don't you go talk to him?

Find out why he's being
so hostile towards us.

Great, yeah.
He's angry and creepy.

I would love to go into
a tiny trailer with him.

If I don't come back,
burn my journal.

It's not a screenplay.

Hey, Mary, could you
come down here for a minute?!

Remember, when she comes down,

we are here to listen,
not to judge or lecture.

Don't patronize me,
Sister Golden Hair.

You don't know half of what I do
about crippling sadness.

Ah, that's two out of two.
Nice sh**t'.

Hey, Mary, we just want to
talk to you for a second.

Sure. What's up?

Uh, Aunt Darlene and I have
noticed a few things

that we want to
talk to you about.

Like?

Well, you don't seen to want
to be around anyone lately.

I mean, I think it goes
without saying

that none of us
really wants to be here,

but it does seem
out of character for you.

We're just worried.

Withdrawing from people,
sleeping a lot,

losing interest
in things you used to enjoy

are all signs of depression.

Okay. I knew I couldn't
hide this from you.

Yes.
I'm depressed.

I'm sure it's just a phase
and I'll feel better soon.

Love you. Thanks!

Mary?
Yeah?

You know, depression
feels endless,

not like a passing phase.

Well, I'm new at it.

I'm sure it'll feel
endless soon. Thanks.

Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

Is that... that a new dress
you're wearing?

I think it is,
and I love how her nails

match her lipstick, don't you?

And somebody's
blowing up your phone.

I don't think you're depressed,
I think you got a boyfriend.

No.
I'm super miserable.

Mary, no depressed person
puts on a dress,

nail polish, and lipstick.

A depressed person
looks like this.

Okay, fine.
I have a boyfriend.

Why didn't you just tell us?

Because you'll embarrass me
just like Grandma Rose did

with your boyfriends.

Uh, no, you're lucky it's us.

She would have already
shown him the video

of you falling down
in the kiddie pool

'cause your diaper
was too full to stand up.

Here's the deal.

We're not gonna embarrass you,

but we can't let you go out
with somebody we don't know.

We're gonna have to meet him.

Fine.

Just be nice, okay?

"Be nice." Ha ha!

Hey.
Hey. What's up?

Well, Mary has been
sneaking around with some boy,

so we told her
she had to bring him over.

So what do you need?

Should I be sitting shirtless on
the couch sharpening my knives,

or would you prefer me
sitting at the table

in the dark cleaning a g*n?

Well, as effective as
those were at driving us

into the arms of the wrong men,
we think we got this.

You got me all worked up
to scare a kid.

Holler if you need me.

To screwed-up families.

Sorry about your dad.

I mean, even though you guys
didn't get along,

it still must be rough.

It is rough.
I'm hurting bad.

I'm just gonna go ahead and ask.

Ever had orphan sex?

Not happening.

I'm just here to find out
what the beef is

with Neville and Louise.

They avoided my dad because
they knew he was a nightmare.

But they didn't care
I had to live with him.

It's not always easy to take
a kid away from a parent,

no matter how bad they are.

They had their chance.

When I was 9, he went to jail,

and they called them
to come get me.

No one showed up.

I had to live on my own
for three months

until child services
dropped a net over me.

That's weird.

I mean, Neville and Louise
are good people.

Once, I saw Neville
put eczema cream

on the little feet
of a naked mole rat.

Well, that's super creepy.

Anyway, that was the end of me
hoping someone would rescue me.

Now I feel like I'd rather do
the foster-care thing

than live with people
who bailed on a 9-year-old.

I'm sorry you had to
go through that.

It all just hurts so bad.

There's only one person
who can save me from the pain.

You know what? I'm just
gonna stop you right there.

Save it for hitting
on your future foster mom.

So when his dad called you,
neither of you guys came to get him.

I feel horrible.

Aaron lied so many times
about needing bail money,

I just assumed the bastard
was lying again.

It sounds like you've got
a hole in your heart

that only taking him
into your home would fill.

Yeah, well,
you guys fight it out.

But if he's gonna stay here,
I have to hide my stash better

because I have a feeling
he won't hesitate

to look in a tampon box
for weed.

Which is where it was
until right now.

Oh, no.

I guess we should talk
about Caleb living here.

We could put him on a cot in the
hallway like a field hospital.

It'll be fun.
Ohh.

Well, let's be honest here.

Neither one of you guys
want him.

You're feeling guilty,

and you're some kind
of weird child hoarder.

The best person
to take him is me.

What?

When you say "me,"
you mean "we."

I don't understand why
you would want to do this.

Louise was b*ating herself up

about not being there
for the kid.

Let's help her finish the job.

Look, I know it's weird,
but I just feel

a connection with the kid.

And I know you're not
thrilled about this,

but you'd rather
have him live with us

than live with strangers...
right?

Y-Yes.

I-I want...
I do... him...

...him to live with us.
...us.

Thank you.

Oh, crap.
I just remembered.

The only thing that Harris
is gonna find in that tampon box

is tampons.

That's why I shouldn't be a mom.

I steal dr*gs from children.

I hope you left room
for some fresh baked cookies.

They're LL Cool J's favorite.

"Mama Said Knock You Out"
for a chocolate-chip scotchie.

I'm still leaning
towards foster home,

but keep the bribes comin'.

Damn it.

Oh, no.

I'm pushing too hard, aren't I?

I think letting him have
our bed to sleep in tonight

is a little much.

His dad treated him like crap.

I want him to feel special,
not like my mother.

When I wanted to sleep
in her bed,

she said it made
the bed smell like me

and she didn't need
that constant reminder.

You do leave a scent,
but I love it.

Aww!
That's why I love you.

Because you remind me
that I do matter.

And that's what I want for him.

Mm.

Can you run down
to the convenience store?

We're almost out of milk
for breakfast.

Yeah, sure.

Thank you, my love.

Aww. Hey. Have... Have you
seen my watch?

Hunh-unh.
Should be right there. No?

Oh, duh. No, I dropped it off
at the shop for cleaning.

Oh. Yeah.

That calf was coming so fast,

I really didn't have time
to take it off.

Yeah.

Caleb.

Yeah?

I think you might have
mistakenly taken

Neville's watch
when you were, you know,

looking for something to steal.

You shouldn't leave stuff
laying around

if you don't want it stolen.

You don't need a watch.
You need a plan.

I had a plan
until you took the watch!

Sit down.

You know, a foster family would
have called the cops on you,

and that's not
gonna happen here.

You're stealing because
you feel worthless.

Because you think that
that's all you can do.

I know what that feels like.

That's why you
have to live here.

Why do you care so much?
You're not even my real aunt.

Oh, we're related
in a different way.

You and I are both members
of the horrible parents club,

and nobody who's not been
through that can understand us.

You know the password
to get into the clubhouse?

"You're the reason I drink"?

Ohh!
That's like a hug.

We can't let their bitterness
define who we are.

Anything you want to be or do,
you can do that now.

There's nobody to tell you

that you're not good enough
or smart enough.

See, you're lucky
that your dad's dead

because that's gonna shave years
off this whole process.

Well, then I'm glad
I k*lled him.

Oh, wow. Okay. Wow.

Um, okay, well, I mean, I'm...

sure he deserved it.

God, no. I'm kidding.

Oh, oka... Okay!

Well, now you know what kind
of love you're gonna get here.

Brayton, this is my
Aunt Darlene and Aunt Becky.

Brayton:
Great to meet you.

Mary told me how much
she looks up to you both.

Oh, aren't you
a little smoothie?

Alright. Tell us
about yourself.

Interests, life goals,
how many kids you have,

your favorite movies.

No kids yet. I'd like to
get out of middle school first.

Um, my favorite movie
is "Ant-Man,"

and I'm really good
at math and science,

so I'm hoping to get a job at
a private spaceflight company.

So do you believe young people
going into space

should have sex
before they get married?

Aunt Becky!

I don't know.
I never really thought about it.

Oh. Come on, Brayton. That's
all teenage boys think about.

And you better think twice
before you pressure

a sweet, naive young girl
into having sex.

Okay.
We're gonna go.

Hold on. Hold on.

Look, Brayton, we don't know
much about you,

but you are her first boyfriend.

Third.
Third?!

We love Mary,
and we want to make sure

you treat her right
and with respect.

He does, and he will

because he knows
what he'll get if he doesn't.

Come on, Brayton.
We're going.

Can I finish my cookie?

Are we gonna have a good day
or a bad day?

Apparently the Conner
alpha lady gene

is getting stronger with
each generation.

We were worried about her,

but now I'm kinda worried
about Brayton.

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Hey, we're just bringing
some of my clothes

back here to store them again

because I'm hoping I might
be able to make some room

in one of my closets for you.

Can we talk?

Sure.
As much as you want.

So... I've decided.
No foster home.

I want you and Neville
to be my guardians.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
This is great!

We gotta start looking
at colleges right now.

You can get in anywhere.
You can get in.

You're an angry
abandoned orphan?

Easiest essay ever!

Okay, so, you know
how you told me

I could do or be anything
I want to now? Yes, I do.

And that I should forget
everything my dad ever told me?

Absolutely.
So what are we thinking?

Doctor? Lawyer?

I don't want to sway you,

but this... this family
could use a good lawyer.

Maybe somebody who
specializes in, um,

tax evasion?

Um. Marine.

Biologist?

No, the other Marine.

I just thought,
for once, it'd be nice

to be someone
that people look up to.

But my dad always told me
the Marines don't take losers.

So this morning I went down
to the recruiting office

and I signed up.

The only thing is, I'm 17,

so I need you to sign this
so I can enlist.

Well, hold on. What...
What about you living with us?

What about you going to college?

I wanted to help you.

You already did.

But I wanted it to take longer.

Hey. What's up?

I told Caleb he could do
anything, and now he's doing it.

I mean, I want
what's best for him,

but he says he... he thinks
he wants to join the m*llitary,

like, right away, and so...

Okay! I thought
you'd probably w...

Kid's got a good head on
his shoulders. I support him.

...take a few minutes to...
Ohh.

This isn't fair.

I just got you.

I'll send you a bumper sticker
that says "My Son is a Marine."

Well.

That would make me proud.

Thank you!
Yeah.

I'm gonna get this down
to the recruiting office now.

Oh...

You only had a day, but you
did a great job raising him. Yeah.

By the way, did you
take my wedding ring

to the jewelers, too?

Son of a bitch.

Call!
Let's see 'em!

Alright. I've been
waiting for this moment.

Read 'em and

weep... the hell?!

You know, Becky, it's not enough
to pull a bill out of the jar.

You have to pay it, too.

I put it back in the jar
so somebody else would pull it.

Let's just call it a night.

No, no! Guys! Guys!
No! Come here! Hey!

Hey. Look. I got a-a...
I got a light on my phone!

I got a light! See?

Guys, come on!

I got four kings!