01x06 - The Antichrist's Monster

[bunniefuu]

CHRISSY: Are you sure we should
do our project on a whale?

What about all the cooler
unsolved mysteries,

like people who jog for fun?

This isn't just any whale.
This is 52.

He spent his life
calling out at 52 hertz,

which is too high a frequency
for other whales to hear.

Sounds like
his life's a beach.

Hey-oh! Ha.
Still work shopping that one.

Well, maybe the song
isn't for other whales.

You know,
it's just for himself.

It's like when I sing
Stevie Nicks while

eating a sub at Hamboni's...

It's for me,
and everyone else can...

BOTH: Stand back.

Wait, you sing
at the Hamboni's?

Yeah, man,
their subs are ridick.

AMALIA: Dinner's ready!

Chrissy, Benny has told us
so much about you.

Did you pass your
algebra test retake?

- Mom.
- Oh, my God, yeah, wow.

[chuckles] I did.
- Oh... sorry.

I tell my parents everything.
- Nah, that's OK.

Congrats.

Miss Kim can be
cold-blooded when grading,

but I guess all lizard people
are like that.

Ay, no.

[laughter]

Don't worry about
eating too much.

We have plenty left over.

So if you want seconds,
or third, or fourths...

Our mom likes to
have us all split our pants.

It's the Filipino way.

It's the Amalia way.
[laughter]

- Oh, you two.
- I love this.

It's like I'm in an ABC sitcom.

Sinister music
and chortling...

You better not go for a
second helping, fat boy.

You think Chrissy wants a boy
with a paunch like that?

Even if you sucked it in you'd
just push out your man boobs.

[sinister laugh]

- No boobs!
- Say what?

I mean, no boos, only yays

because this meal
was A-plus, Mom.

[chuckles] And it was
so great, I'm done.

May I please be
excused to feed Otis?

I gotta be honest,
between the fresh food

and the reusable plates,

I feel like
I'm in a five-star restaurant.

Is everything OK at home?

No.

I'm just kidding. Ha ha!
Sort of.

May I be excused to
help Bennigan feed Otis?

Of course.

Get some gloves though.
He snaps.

Otis, not Bennigan.

BENNIGAN: [coughing]

No more.

I've done enough.
I'm done.

[toilet flushes]

Oh, Chrissy, hi.
Hello.

Hey, I was coming
to help you with Otis.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, let's feed
that reptilian fiend. Ha.

Uh... you OK?

As OK as the classic
and underperformed

Rodgers
and Hammerstein musical.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

AMALIA: You sure you don't
want anything else?

Some soda cans?
A popcorn machine?

Iggy, give the girl
our fruit bowl.

No, no, I'm fine.
Thank you for having me over.

Now I won't have to scrounge
for food at the 7-Eleven

for a whole other week.

Ha, ha, ha, just
joshing, kind of.

Thanks again.

[eerie music]

Hmm.

[whoosh]

[hums]

CHRISSY AS LIZARD:
Whoa, that can't be.

BENNIGAN: A self-portrait...
no better way

to face the truth
about yourself

and try to change who you are.

CHRISSY AS LIZARD: Damn.

Could use a couple
more inches of fat gut.

CHRISSY AS LIZARD:
I gotta help him.

Holy sh*t, do lizards
have two penises?

[dramatic music]

*LITTLE DEMON*
Season 01 Episode 06

Episode Title: "The Antichrist's Monster"
Aired on: September 22, 2022.

♪♪ ♪♪

[crickets chirping]

[Kn*fe scraping]
- Hey, Mom, I have a question.

Let's say I have a friend who
may or may not have a problem.

A friend, huh?

You don't have to
speak in code, honey.

Masturbation
is perfectly natural.

And girls can do it too.
- What? Eew! No!

It's a necessary destressor,
and you can do it anywhere...

- Jesus. Never mind. Forget it.
- ...In bed, in the school

bathroom, before a test.

Hey, Snake with
Arms, my dad around?

I got this friend I want
to help and thought maybe

there was a power that...

Wait, that's not... what is
everyone's obsession with...

Come on, don't you want
to chew your yeti bone

or fetch your gorgon balls?

Snake with Arms, I told you
to leave me alone.

Flicking the bean already?

God damn it, I can't deal
with this sh*t right now.

She-she can't see me like this.

Tell her to go to my study.

She'll find what
she needs there.

It ain't me,
but it's the next best thing.

My dad journals?

[door slams]

[suspenseful music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Hello, Satan.

Which of your glorious
musings would you like

to revisit today, hot stuff?

How do I, um, change...

I heard change.

I have 2,503,859
volumes on changing...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changing
Bowie's contract

Changing the game,

a new way
to fart without sound.

I think I changed the past
and f*cked everything up...

Wait, no.

I just don't remember
that chair there.

Let me finish.

How do I change the way someone
thinks about themselves?

How to change the way
someone

thinks about themselves.

Closest match...

Changing minds,
A satanic discovery

on manipulation and how
to make soft-brained losers

give you sh*t.

Well, I guess that's
the closest I'll get.

[rumbling]

[clink, ching]

CHRISSY AND SATAN:
"735 BC, mercury phase."

SATAN: Rolling hard
at King Midas's

when I come across
this golden toilet,

most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Fucker wouldn't give it to me.

So I used a new
trick to convince him

that everything
he touches is gold.

Ha, what a ding dong.

He's so busy thinking he's
turning things into gold,

he gave me this
solid gold shitter.

I think I'll call this new
trick Mind Mess-em-ups.

Bingo.

[whimpers]

[sighs]

I guess I knew
this day was coming.

Never show weakness.

The only pain that matters
is the pain you inflict,

Varsity Blues.

Hey, Snakey, uh, I, uh...

Shut up and f*ck off.

[whimpers]

All right, I'll call her.

OK, Chrissy, you got this.
Let's do it.

Let's save our best friend.
[doorbell rings]

BENNIGAN: I'll get it.

SATAN: First, you want
to square your hips

to establish dominance.

Chrissy, to what do
I owe the pleasure?

I got you the latest issue
of your favorite comic,

The Roo-Stars, to remind
you that you're not alone.

Chrissy, that's so
clucking nice of you.

I do have one
more thing for you.

SATAN: Rapid burp
their name three times.

[burping] Bennigan,
Bennigan, Bennigan.

SATAN: Then stare into their
eyes and yell with authority.

CHRISSY AND SATAN:
Mind mess 'em ups!

SATAN: Next, recite mantra
that summarizes

what you want them
to experience.

For example, you will
see blades of grass

as little dicks.
[chuckles]

You will see the
beauty in everything.

[humming]

Oh, family sculpture time.

[singsong] Now let's see
what Benny sees.

Yes. Ha ha.

In the mind of every artist,
there is a masterpiece.

[humming]

Ugh.

I knew nothing good ever
comes from flossing.

I'll give you
something to floss with.

- I'm hanging up.
- Just wait, you shrill cow.

It's important.

Bark Woofalo is dying.

Wait, what?
He must have d*ed years ago.

What are you talking about?
- He didn't.

His soul's been living in
the body of a hellhound

for the past 13 years.

f*cking God...
you body swapped our dog?

I was in need
of companionship

because some psycho bitch
kidnapped my newborn daughter.

King of revisionist
history over here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, hellhounds are eternal.

But earthly dog souls aren't.

They're too pure to live in
a corporeal body for too long,

and it's time for
Woofalo to move on.

But the dog won't
f*cking die, OK?

And I think...

I think he's holding out
because he wants to see you.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, our dog, in a
hellhound, wants to see me.

See?
Here he is, OK?

Oh, that could
be any hellhound.

Look, I don't give a sh*t.

I prefer you don't come anyway.

Wait, hold on.

Wait, you and Satan
had a dog together?

That's a massive reveal.

Bark Woofalo was a
puppy we found together.

We were high on reindeer urine.
We had just watched Zodiac,

and Mark Ruffalo
was so damn good in it...

Doesn't matter...
this is a trap

to lure me into and k*ll me.

What if it's not?

This could be your
chance to say goodbye

to the puppy you left behind.

What do you know, Erwin?

I've seen you eat
a slice of tomato

that fell onto the floor
of a Dollar Store bathroom.

I guess some
people have never

heard of the five second rule.

But all right,
you can kiss my ass.

[school bell rings]

[cheerful music]

Good day, Santa, other Santa.

Ooh, thank you, Santa.

[squeaking]
Tiny Santas.

[Bennigan gags, vomits]

CHRISSY AS RAT: Oh, no.

[coughing, vomiting]

[evil laughter]

EVIL BENNIGAN: Do you think
that purging after eating

two full trays of
crap-a-teria food

is going to work, fat boy?

BENNIGAN: Why don't
you shut the hell up?

What is going on?

I'll shut up when
you grow up, piggy.

You know you'll never
look like your brother.

Stop!
Why can't I cancel you?

Well, you could put down the
fork every once in a while,

Tubs, but we both
know you won't.

So I'd say you'd
need a miracle.

And I don't see Kurt Russell
acting as a coach

to a group of hotheaded college
all-star hockey players,

[voice deepens] so
you're stuck with me forever.

[evil laughter]

I gotta be honest.
I didn't like that movie.

Miracle?
Oh, I actually really liked it.

I'm a sucker for
Patricia Clarks on.

EVIL BENNIGAN: Well, she's her
generation's Joan Fontaine.

[roaring]

All right, bitch,
it ends today.

Huh. Guess this
wasn't a ruse.

[Kn*fe clatters]
Who did I just k*ll?

The veterinarian.

Hey, boy.

[whimpers]

The last toy I gave him,
Mixologist Mike.

OK, reunion's over.
Let's go.

Go? Go where?

The Isle of Wepwawet where
all dog souls come into being.

And if they're on the beaches
of Wepwawet when they die,

their soul particles
get recycled

into new dog souls on Earth.

Oh, you're into
recycling now,

the guy who jacks off
to oil spills?

Are you coming or not?

There's always
a twist with you.

[whimpering]

What the hell did I do wrong?

Bennigan, hey, hi.

I was just studying hard
or hardly studying.

Chrissy,
the other day I lied.

Oh, about what?
You don't like the way

I roll my Rs
when I say "burrito"?

When I said
I was OK as the famed

Pulitzer and Tony Award-winning
musical, I wasn't.

My life right now feels like
a slapstick tragedy,

a much lesser known
Broadway musical.

I haven't heard of
any of these, so I...

I don't like the way I look.

And sometimes
I make myself retch.

And then I feel
worse about myself,

and it's an unending spiral.

You're the first person I told.

I'm so sorry, Benny.

You haven't told your family?

They're so sweet.
- No, they are.

It's just... it's hard
for them to accept

that things aren't the ideal.

You know what's weird?

Everything in the world has
felt oddly beautiful lately.

I assumed the chemical plant

dumped waste
into the reservoir again,

but whatever toxins
we're drinking,

it's only made me
feel worse about myself.

I wish I could do
something to change that.

Not unless you
can change the fact

that my brother can cut
diamonds with his glutes

and I never will.
- Benny, that's not true.

When I look at you,
I see a really awesome...

Nah, nah, don't
worry about it.

[whimpering]

So you come here often?

Announcement, everybody...

This impotent old man
is accosting me.

All right, all right, don't
come to me the next time

you need a jar opened.

ANNOUNCER: Next stop,
Isle of Wepwawet.

Isle of Wepwawet
next stop.

[distant barking]

Look, when pugs fly.

[peaceful music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Reminds me of when we
took Bark apple picking.

That was the first time
we b*at the sh*t out

of somebody together.

The guy tried to
steal that autumn crisp

right out of my basket.

So you busted his lip.

And then you broke his ribs.

- Didn't you also key his car?
- Oh, yeah.

SATAN: [chuckles] f*ck him.

[small laugh]

You realize how unfair
this is, don't you,

making me relive the trauma of
losing my dog all over again?

Lose?
You didn't lose him.

You abandoned him.

Oh, the absentee father
is going to lecture me

about abandonment...
that's rich.

My daughter
was stolen from me.

You know, what is
the real reason

you needed me to come with you?

Oh, sh*t, you didn't
have the guts to watch

Bark Woofalo die alone.

Oh, this coming
from a woman who

spent her entire life literally
running from her emotions.

Says the guy who had
his tear ducts removed

because he
was terrified of crying.

You got a real
holier-than-thou attitude

for a shitty mom
who's only screwed up her kid.

Oh, f*ck you.

f*ck you right back.

[both grunting]

[screams]

Why didn't that work?

SATAN: Caveat on this
reality warping...

If their sh*t
is already warped,

you could make it worse.

Now you tell me.

OK, there has to be
a way around this.

Let's find him a miracle.

CHRISSY AND SATAN: "Some
banging broad name Charybdis..."

SATAN:... was looking
to get stronger,

to help her daddy Poseidon in
a w*r against her uncle Zeus.

Who am I not to intervene
in some domestic disputes,

especially with two
dip shits I've been wanting

to take out for centuries?

I worked my magic to
discover a way to change

the form of things around me.

Now I can level her sh*t up
so she'll destroy Zeus for me.

I call it
Matter Move Aroundsy.

Ain't nothing bad
happening from this.

Oh, hell, yeah.

You may be an unreliable
support system in my life,

but damn,
these powers are useful.

BENNIGAN: I'll get it.

Oh, hey, Chrissy.

[burping] Bennigan,
Bennigan, Bennigan.

[shouting]
Matter Move Aroundsy!

[grunting] Oh, arms,
oh, yeah, that's a delt.

Six-pack!

♪♪ ♪♪

Yeah, buns of steel.

[sighs] Oh, ho, ho, ho!

All right,
let's try this again.

BENNIGAN: I'll get it.

Oh, hey, Chrissy!
Wow, I just got hit

with some hardcore deja vu.

Hey, you been
working out recently?

Whoa, I've never noticed
that muscle before.

How about around
of mini golf?

- Putter late than never.
- Ha!

[laughs]

[grunting]

[barking]

[arf!]
[splash]

- Barky Woof.
- [howling]

Oh, sh*t, he's headed
toward Bad p*ssy Falls.

This is all your fault.

I'm not doing this
with you right now, OK?

We have to save Bark.

[Bark whimpering]

Wait, you're the
stronger climber.

I'm the stronger swimmer.

I'll get Bark Woofalo.

You throw me a tree vine.

That's weirdly rational.

Don't tell me you're
post-menopausal already.

[suspenseful music]

[whimpers]

♪♪ ♪♪

Hold on, Woofie!

[distant meow]

[both coughing]

[Bark sighs]

[distant barking]

- Wanna wrestle again?
- Shut up.

[doorbell ding]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
Spike's Family Fun Zone.

For your safety,
you may be randomly

selected for a cavity search.

Whoa, the security's
insane in this place.

Spike, the owner,
is ex-m*llitary.

When a bunch of
raccoons on mescaline

destroyed this place
five years ago,

he swore on his fallen
soldiers he would

never let it happen again.

I have five
follow-up questions.

SINGERS: ♪♪ Sports, hey, hey ♪♪

♪♪ Let's play some sports ♪♪

- Yeah!
- ♪♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪♪

Yah!
[ding]

SINGERS: ♪♪ Sports, hey, hey ♪♪

♪♪ Let's play some sports ♪♪

I gotcha, I gotcha!
Yah!

Yeah!

SINGERS: ♪♪ Let your hair down
and play some ♪♪

♪♪ Today ♪♪

[wolf whistle]

[giggling]

[sighs]

[eerie music]

EVIL BENNIGAN: Why don't you
just give up, plumpy dumper?

You should do the
world a favor and choke

to death on chicken nuggies
like the scrubby f*ck you are.

Stop, just stop.

You're being a d*ck.

I'm not just a d*ck.

I am a sick, unlovable
blob just like you.

[moaning]

♪♪ ♪♪

[moaning, groaning]

[screaming]

Is this really happening?

EVIL BENNIGAN: Uh, yeah, yeah.

Our body is eating
everything in sight.

Kobe.

[crashing]
[commotion, screaming]

[roaring]

Oh, crap.

SATAN: Much to my
chagrin, her body

couldn't sustain
demonic aura, and she

kind of became a huge
vacuum butthole with teeth.

[chuckles]
Pretty f*cking wacky.

Dang it, I really got to
read to the end of these.

[screams]

Hey, buddy, I know
it seems like people

are running away from you
like you're a monster,

but they're not.
You're great.

You're a...
- Monster!

[groans]

[crowd screaming]

My life's work!

OK, I can fix this.

Focus, Chrissy, focus.

No, stop.

I'm so sorry, Bennigan.
This is my fault.

You do this to me?

I just wanted to help fix
the way you saw yourself.

Fix me?
Fix me?

Because you think
I'm disgusting too?

No, no.
That's not it.

- [groans]
- [chuckling]

Another head? The monster's
got a double head now.

You can all see it too?

I don't blame
them for screaming.

You were already
terrifying and hideous.

And now look at you.

[sinister laugh]

Unleash hell.

[roaring]

SPIKE: Pyramids of Giza,

Christ the Redeemer.

Fire!
Hit him with a fastball.

Bennigan, stop,
or they'll k*ll you.

How is this legal?

Thanks for saving our dog
and acknowledging that I'm

actually good at something.

You're... welcome.

And I think we need to
chill on trying to k*ll

each other every time we meet.

It puts the things
we love in danger.

[whimpers]

I think it's time.

[gentle music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Goodbye, buddy.

I'm going to see you on
the face of every puppy.

I know a piece of your soul
will be in all of them.

I think some puppy pom
got in my eye or something.

[mysterious sounds]

[howling]

[all howling]

[somber music]

♪♪ ♪♪

[ghostly echoing cries]

♪♪ ♪♪

LAURA: Nope.

Stop hurting him.
Please listen to me.

This is all my fault.
He's only this way because of me.

I rebuilt once.
I won't do it again.

Let's end this.
- OK, I can do something.

What can I do?
What can I do?

SATAN: The only way
to stop the corruption

is for another subject to
absorb the matter themselves.

That's a no for me, dog.

[burping] Chrissy,
Chrissy, Chrissy.

Absorb-sy warbsy!

You haven't seen
the last of me.

OK, call off
the scud missiles.

Don't look at me.

Bennigan, wait.

MOM: I told you, honey,
mini golf's for freaks.

Then she tried to make
a move on me at the lake.

It was pathetic.

You should have seen it,
Snakey.

[thud]

[moaning] Please help me.

Is that Bill the Behemoth?

If so, I definitely don't
know where your

Nymphs Gone Wild DVDs went.

Matter Move Aroundsy.

Oh, ha ha, sh*t, Chrissy?

You got deep into my journals.

Fun stuff, huh?

Can you please...

Yeah, chill.
I got you.

Thank you very much.

Oh yeah, Bill exploded.

I keep forgetting.

Snakey, fire up them DVDs.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I know you probably don't
want to talk to me right now,

but, um...

Oh, ha.

Um, I was hoping
you'd stop me there.

It seems like you want
to tell me something,

so I'm listening.

I... I shouldn't
have inserted myself

into your life like that.

I violated your body
and your trust

by trying to change things,
and I'm so sorry.

But, hey, on the bright side,
it all worked out, kinda.

So are we cool?

Chrissy,
you're my best friend.

But after I told you my secret
at school, you didn't stop.

Now everyone knows my private...

Never mind.

I know,
and I feel so awful.

But maybe my dad
could help me fix it.

I finished our project,
by the way.

Have a good night, Chrissy.

52 calls out year after
year to no response.

There's no reason
he would do that

unless no other whales
could understand him.

He really must be

the loneliest animal
on the planet.

[whooshing]

[rumbling]

[quiet music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Excuse me,
I'm looking for

a 1/8th diameter
spear tip drill bit,

and I can't seem to find it.

Cheaper brand's fine too.

My budget's a little
low these days.

I had money stored up
for emergencies

and was given a severance
pay from the Pope,

so most of my funds are going
towards this sort of stuff.

I'm OK, though.

I'm not telling you that
to make you feel better.

It's just an instinctive
reaction when I see someone

confused or pitying me.

I'm now heavily medicated
to maintain the pain

of the loss of my d*ck.

And even though it's affecting
the filters in my brain,

like over sharing, I can
still pick up on social cues.

But yeah, I'm making a laser
to k*ll a little girl.

The drill bits
are behind you.

Ah! What do you know?

This is perfect.