01x07 - Satan's Lot

[bunniefuu]

When you said
you were taking me to Spain,

I thought we'd eat tapas
and stroll the Riviera.

Not watch defenseless animals
get k*lled.

- It's just a pit stop!

Afterwards, we'll hit up
the flamingo thing you wanted.

- Flamenco.
It's art through dance.

- Now watch your dad
work his magic.

Hey, pal.

You got three punctured organs
and 30 seconds to live.

Any unfulfilled desires

from your tragically short life?

- What if I could give you
that dream after you die?

That you could have the freedom
to fishbrain and soul grind

for eternity under my care?

All you have to do
is sell me your soul.

- Uh, yeah, don't do it.

- Just spit here.

Spit!

Spit right there. Spit.

Jesus Christ.

- Congrats, sweetie.

You just witnessed
your first soul collection.

- Yeah, congrats.

You duped a guy
into signing a contract

he didn't even read to go
where and do what exactly?

- I just fulfilled
his ultimate desire.

- Dude, I've heard
straight preachers

warn about eternal damnation.

I've seen Little Nicky.

- Western culture's given you
a misguided view

of how I operate.

I'm actually very above board,
morally speaking.

- Then, like, show me
his eternity under your care.

I mean,
if you want me to consent

to join a siren seed someday,

I gotta know
what I'm consenting to, right?

- Exactly!

It's about f*cking time.

Come on! Hot damn!

You're gonna love this place
so much,

you're gonna want
to k*ll yourself to join!

Don't yet, okay?

- Yet?

- Welcome to my Soul Hole.

Take a whiff.
- What the f*ck?

- The smell is my favorite part.

- Sit on me!

I'm a chaise lounge.

- Sing Billy Joel to me.

It's the only thing
that makes me come.

- Morally above board, huh?

- Well, the thing is, you see,

souls are super valuable

because they power the universe.

This is a tiny collection

compared to my Soul Imperium
in hell.

But I'm seeing steady growth!

- So you trick innocent people
into signing up

for this t*rture p*rn flophouse

so you can have more power.

- Well, it's not t*rture.

What you're seeing
is absolute free will.

Look at our friend over there,
rollerblading around the room.

Happier than a pig in sh*t.

- I guess.

What the f*ck?

You call that free will?
- Yeah!

See, that guy wants
to rollerblade.

Those guys want
to eat rollerbladers.

Free will means no limits.

He'll regenerate eventually.

- So he can do it
all over again?

- Yeah, that's the way
it works here.

- Man, this is some real
messed up libertarian bullshit.

- Ah, you're being
pretty reductive.

Oh, f*ck yes, they're here!

- Ooh, yeah, I think
that's my cue to skedaddle.

- No, no, honey...

- Snake with Arms said
he'd introduce me

to the Step Up franchise.

And between
a hot, sweaty Channing

and that burger gobbler...

- The hole can be overwhelming.

But seeing newbies arrive
will change you forever.

- Fine.

But this is your last chance

before I stan my Chan.

g*dd*mn, I love that Chan.

Hey.

- Hey, Laura! What's up?

- Yeah, so I caught Irwin
hoarding anger leeches

for his substitute teaching gig,

so I set off a bug b*mb
to prevent another infestation.

Can I crash here for the night?
- Oh.

Uh, sorry, Laur.

It's... it's not a good time.

Try the Thompsons.

Their normcore lifestyle
screams Murphy bed.

- You're the only neighbor
I haven't threatened

physical v*olence to, so...

- Ugh, fine. Fine, come on in.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!

Oh, well, you must be exhausted

from your bug m*ssacre
or whatever.

Let's get you to bed.
- Bed? It's 8:35.

- Okay, here's a pillow.
There's the bed.

You know what to do.
- Ah!

- Hey, Darlene...
- Night, Laur!

- What the... are you kidding me?

Is this because I wouldn't go
see Sade with you?

Hello?

Darlene?

Ugh.

Okay.

Holy sh*t, this place looks
a lot smaller on the outside.

Ah!

There we go.

Mama needs her medicine.

What do we got here?

I want that brown stuff.

- Couple of cubes of ice
in that, please!

Ah!

- Hey, I was saving that
for a special occasion!

Gus, are you okay?

What did she do to you?

- Gus?
- I'm okay, Leeny.

I just got the bejesus
scared out of me, that's all.

Made a little piss.
- Wait a minute.

Darlene, you know this ghost?

- Laur, this is my husband.

Ex-husband.
- Who are you?

A wrestling coach?

- That was good.

Why do all dads like boats?

Was there a meeting
or something?

- Wait till you see
how excited they get.

It's like a baby eating
chocolate for the first time.

All right, here we go.

Any minute now.

Huh.

Where are my f*cking souls?

- Uh, that might explain it.

- "Dear Satan,

"Thanks for the souls.

"Biggleheim will pay
big bucks for them.

Eat sh*t.
Marv, the Beast Guard."

That backstabbing son of a...

- Who's Biggleheim?

- Biggleheim's not a person.

It's a place.

The hub of the soul trade.

A funhouse trash heap

where corporate con artists
trick souls

into eternal suffering
by offering

roller coaster rides
and branded swag.

We gotta get my souls back
before it's too late!

- Those souls sound better off
in Biggleheim

than your Soul Bowl.

- Soul Hole!

And didn't you hear what
I just said about Biggleheim?

- Yeah!
Branded swag, roller coasters.

It sounds cool.

- Man, your selective hearing
is on fire today.

It's an evil place, Chrissy.
- And this isn't?

I think you've been sniffing
your own farts

for way too long.

- You're gonna wish
you were eating my farts

once I show you a place
of t*rture and torment!

We're going to Biggleheim!

Relax your grip, baby.
Good.

- I thought
both your exes ran off

with Russian catfishers.

- Oh, that was
hubbies one and two.

Gus was number three.

We were in the process
of mending fences

when he d*ed.

- One moment, I'm getting my new

Craigslist business
up and running.

The next, a weather satellite's
crashing on my head.

Luck of the Slovaks, I guess.

- Darlene, how long has Gus
been here like that?

- Uh, I noticed he was here
when my broken bidet

started working again.

Gus always loved me
with a clean caboose.

That was a few months back.

- Mo... months?
Oh, f*ck.

- What?
- Ghost can only stay

on the corporeal plane
for so long

before they turn into wraiths.
- What?

- Vengeful spirits who hunt
the living and feed off misery.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.
Gus couldn't hurt a fly.

- Show me where you keep
your most precious memories

from your relationship.
- What? Why?

- Oh, man.

Uh-oh.

- He doesn't look good.

- Man, I'm feeling strange,
Leeny.

Like when I opened
that hookah restaurant

on top of that open gas line?

- Oh!
- Do it now!

- Just give me a moment
to mourn that hand!

- Darlene.
- It did things to me

you'd never believe.

- Ugh.
- Boom, boom.

Welcome to the Biggleheim,

where remarkable souls
like you have the freedom

to choose your own afterlife.

- Milady.

- No wonder you're so sensitive
about your Soul Hole, Dad.

I mean, how could anyone
compete with this?

- Stop!
- What are you doing?

- We need disguises
to sneak inside.

You want dibs on being
the big pretzel?

No? Okay.

Why are we sneaking?

- Eh, I'm a rebel
of the industry.

So much so,
the Biggleheim schmucks

banned me from re-entering

and revoked
my soul-collecting license.

Pretty rock and roll, huh?

- Yeah, the Phil Spector
part of rock and roll.

Phil Spector!
I love Phil Spector.

I got the Christmas album.

Welcome to Biggleheim,

where your afterlife awaits you.

Funky like a chicken?

You like to f*ck chickens?

- Come to Polymelia afterlife
and get a hug.

Two of them!

- Wow! Mutton chops? Who knew?

- So are all these booths run
by real gods?

- There are no gods, Chrissy.

Some douchebags invented
that concept

to manipulate naive souls
like yours to their cause.

These afterlives are run
by eternal beings

called primordials.

That's what I am.

Slip and slide here.

Mormon afterlife over here!

No birth control allowed.

Seems like these souls
get to live plush,

peaceful afterlives,
and yours get ripped to shreds.

Make some noise
for the Biggleheim Angels!

- Whoa!

- Oh, f*cking k*ll me.

- B-B-B-B-Biggleheim!

Y'all having
a good time tonight?

I can't hear you!

I said, are you having
a good time tonight or what?

Yeow!

- Now, this is an afterlife
where souls would actually

want to spend eternity.

It's like they're BTS
and you're some old guy

who records BTS covers
in their mom's basement.

- These are the assholes
I was talking about!

They're frat boys trying
to make you drink their piss!

Oh!

There's that rat bastard Marv.

Okay, Chrissy, let's go!

Where'd she... I should have
brought the leash.

- I still don't understand
why I gotta get rid of

all these precious memories.

- Most of this stuff is dildos
and gardening tools, Darlene.

- Yeah, that's my entire 40s!

- Unfinished business
is the reason Gus can't go.

He d*ed while trying to mend
your broken marriage.

His unfinished business is you.

That's the sweetest
thing I've ever heard.

No.
We need to cut all ties

between you two
so he can cross over.

- Cross over?
I just got settled.

Leeny-Beany-Tortellini and I
are doing gangbusters.

My online business
in ladies' fashion

is gonna get off the ground
any day now.

I can feel it in my garter belt.

- Aha! Divorce papers.
- Oh, God.

- This will help you remember
how much you hated each other.

- If I didn't know any better,

I'd say this
was unnecessarily cruel.

- Darlene, you called Gus
a serial adulterer...

- Yeah?
- Who cheated on you

- multiple times.
- Yeah?

- Doesn't that sting?

- It wasn't multiple times,
Laura.

It was one time
with multiple people.

- Actually,
it was multiple times

with multiple people,
but one family.

Lot of sisters.

- Darlene convinced you
that you were

the star of a Truman Show-like
experiment

entitled,
What's All the Gus About?

- I still stand by that title.

- But her abuse did reunite me

with my biological father,

who then turned out
to be a paid actor!

- Argh!
- Laura.

Let's not get our panties
in a bunch.

Speaking of,
the duck pattern pair

you got on
is a real nice choice.

- What the? Why, you

Norman Bates
peeping m*therf*cker!

- Stop fighting!
Stop fighting right now, okay?

There is no unfinished business.

Our love is strong.

Stronger than death!

Oh, God. Okay.

Let's maybe put unfinished
business back on the table.

Thumb Realm
is like Palm Springs.

Weather's always nice,
and we have a heated pool!

You're gonna love my afterlife,
little girl.

The email list, by the way,
is really just

a community bulletin type thing.

We really won't advertise...

b*at it, you fat f*cking toe!

- Hey, man.
The lady can speak for herself.

- The lady is alive and 13.

- Hmm.
Come find me when you die.

- Ah, man.
This thumb guy's so cool!

He runs this, like, resort
with a giant projector

so his souls can watch movies
on the lawn.

You should take some tips!

- You won't make a verbal
agreement with me,

now you're signing up
for other afterlives?

Who knows what dystopian
shitstorm that assh*le runs.

- You trick souls into living
in a pit of agony.

Hanging with that thumb

couldn't be worse
than your Soul Hole.

- I know you're a kid who
thinks the hereafter

should be sunshine
and ice cream,

and you judge me for being
the genius who created hell.

- If you created hell,
then why aren't you there?

Why are you running a sh*thole
ambulance chasing on Earth?

- Before you came along,
I commanded fear and respect

from every g*dd*mn
belief system ever created!

- And now you're trying
to convince yourself

that you're still on top
because you don't want to admit

you're an outdated fossil!

- I had this stupid idea
that having a child

would make me stronger.

But you're just
too f*cking naive!

You're never gonna get this
until you open your eyes

and experience it.

Big pretzel out.

g*dd*mn,
she takes after her mother.

I'm telling you,
I got two of them now.

Go, quick, quick, quick, quick.

Quick, quick, quick.

Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick.

- My souls!

All right,
a little bit to the left.

To the left.
Okay, that's great.

Now drop it slow...

- Hey, Marv.

Any last word before
I finger your eyes out

and f*ck your empty skull?

- Just a couple.

We got him!

Quick, quick, quick, quick.

No need to struggle, Satan,

'cause we ain't ever gonna
let you go from our hearts.

Or our clutches.

- I'll never get this sh*t
until I live it?

Well, f*ck you, Dad!

Who's living now?

Happy Hour,
boat to Thumb Realm at 6:00.

Free drink ticket.

Huh, I guess I gotta open
my eyes and experience it.

Oh, no! There's so many
afterlives recruiting me.

It's like, oh,
this is so awkward!

I mean, I was popular
in high school,

but who would have thought I'd
be popular in the afterlife?

Whoa!

What the...

Hmm.

I didn't recognize you
in that whacked out man-suit.

- Didn't recognize you

without your boss's d*ck
in your mouth.

- Back in the day,
you would have never

fallen for a trap like this.

You're weaker than ever now.

- I can't believe your bitch ass

sold me out to these jag-offs.

- They offered me my own realm.

It's open concept.

Everything's buffet style.

- Spare me, shitbag!

- sh*t's about to get biblical,
b*tches.

Chrissy!
So glad to see you dead.

Oh, this place
is so great and classy!

- Hey, everybody.
This is Chrissy.

She's here for pool hour.

- Why do they all look
like thumbs?

- Here in Thumb Realm,
we all take on

the one true and pure form.

All is balanced, fair, peaceful.

- That thumb get too much sun?

- Pool time is over!

Game time!

Why don't we show Chrissy
Thumb Print?

Chrissy, you're gonna love this.

I present the Great Thumb!

It measures our love
for thumbness!

- Huh. Okay.

- Who wants to go first?

How about you?

- Oh, uh.
Yes, of course, Thumb.

No problem.

- This is a Dybbuk Box.

It won't cure him,
but it sure as sh*t

will contain him forever.

- I don't know, Laura.

I already put Gus
in one wooden box.

I... I don't want to do it again.

- Break it off, Darlene!
- I can't!

Even the bad memories seem
not so bad now.

- You're romanticizing
a toxic relationship.

- Okay, and you and Satan
didn't have good times?

- He's made my life
a living hell!

- Without him, you wouldn't
have Chrissy, right?

- Oh, whatever. I'm doing this.

- It's okay, baby.

Don't be scared.

Leeny! I love you!

- Gus-Gus!

- Ooh!

I'm still going in!

I'm still going...

- Darlene, no!

Uh-oh.

- So, Alan, how does thumbness

help you
in your day-to-day life?

- Uh, we... well, when I think
of how fleshy

and... and stumpy I am,
I never feel down!

- You use pleasant words,
but the Great Thumb

sees through your lies.

What? No!

Thumbness
is a "dream thumb true."

Ah, f*ck it!

I hate thumbs!

I miss my fingers
and my genitals!

- Oh, f*ck!

So fun. Who's next?

- You're insane!
- Hey, now.

Check yourself,
or you'll get thumbed.

- sh*t, my dad was right.

Stick yourself up an ass,
you f*cking thumb!

Ah, sh*t!

I'm stuck! This sucks!

- What sucks?

That you're on your back
like an amputated turtle?

- Oh, bend,
you useless f*cking knuckles!

Damn it!

I only had some hands!

- Oh, thank you!
Thank you so much!

- With Thumb gone, we can make
this place a real paradise!

- Uh, I...
I gotta go find my dad.

He needs help with a thing,

but have fun
thinking for yourselves again!

- Oh, wait, wait,
we're gonna have

lots of good thinking times!
Ha!

- Darlene?

I should warn you,

I get violent at hide and seek.

Ask Chrissy.

Oh, God.

Okay. Um...

Oh, f*ck!

Leeny!

Oh, God!

I have a confession to make!

I'm not his unfinished business!

- What?

- We started
a business together.

We wanted to succeed as a team,
even if it was

just selling my used underwear
online.

- Oh, God, Darlene!

- Not that it matters!
Nothing sold.

We're gonna die 'cause nobody
wants my dumpy dundees!

- Okay, so what you're saying

is if someone buys
your underwear...

- His actual business will be
complete and he'll leave, yes.

But it has to be
from a stranger!

He'll know we're pitying him.

- Who do we know that would buy
your dirty underwear?

Wait.

- Hello?

Buy what now?

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

God, you son of a bitch!

- Darlene?

What... what happened?

- Good news. Online perverts

are sexually attracted
to your wife.

- We got our first sale?

Oh, Leeny-Beany!

I told you, great collection,
great hips, great...

Oh!

Goodbye, Gus.

Thanks for the memories.

- Goodbye, Darlene.

Hey, real quick, are...
Are you gonna send me

my half of the money, or...

You know, you keep it.

I'll hit you up for it
on the flip-side!

- Hey, you okay?

- I think so.

It'll be nice getting back
to the single life.

There's a speed dating event
down by the adult bookstore

tomorrow if you want to...
- No, no.

I'd rather go die in a bug b*mb.

- Did I just get
the craziest deja vu?

Or is this exactly how you
looked when we...

- Kicked out?
- f*ck hell!

I got a new thing going on.

- Word from Wibby Turkle
is that girl of yours

is a powerful little bastard.

- So that's what this
is all about.

- We can't have you
and your Lucifreak

grabbing up all the power
for yourselves, now, can we?

Boss feels
that wouldn't be fair.

- Where is that Beelzebaby,
B-T-dubs?

- When you find it, you better
bring a f*cking army!

I'm talking tanks! Nukes!

Golems that sh**t lasers
out of their dicks!

Because Chrissy don't take sh*t
from nobody!

She gets that from me.
We're rebels.

How sweet.
But heart to heart...

See?

What did I tell you?

- Hey! Get that bitch!

Quick, quick, quick,
quick, quick.

- Hey, girl, it's time to die!

- Get away from my daughter!

- f*ck this.

We outie.

- This ain't over, Satan.

- Not by a long sh*t.

- Could a fossil go nuclear
like that?

f*ck no.

Hey, thanks for the save.

- Yeah, back at you.

You were right.

This place blows chunks.

- So, you've come around, huh?

Finally see the wisdom
of the Soul Hole?

- Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

The Soul Hole's still
a sh*t place

f*cked up
beyond all imagination.

It's just not the worst place
out there.

- That's fair enough.

Come on, kiddo.
Let's get out of here.

- Hey, Dad,
what the angel said about you

getting kicked out of hell,
was that true?

Is that why everyone
now thinks you're a loser?

- Um, yeah, I guess.

- Pretty rock and roll.

- Speaking of, you want to go
mess with Phil Spector's soul?

I know where it is.

- Yeah, I'd like that.

- So how was your weekend?

- It was actually pretty good.

- Yeah?

What'd you do,
wipe out a fairy forest?

- Dad's not as two-dimensional
as you think.

- Uh, okay.

What'd that fucker say
about me this time?

Nothing.

- Well, that's right.

He better not.

Because if he did, I would say
something to him that...

Say something back, so...

And he knows it.

He knows he can't say sh*t.

Got nothing to say to me.

If he was like, "You're ugly,"

I'd be like...

"You are."

Uh, whoa, is that a bird's nest?

I didn't know they're... no.

That's just a pile of sticks.