02x06 - Candy Zombies

[bunniefuu]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Mm. Vision. I love it.

Lil U*i Vert.

I'd be sure to throw away
all my trash today.

Oh, right. Of course.

Ant season?

Ghost season.

[LAUGHS]

That's funny.

Nothing funny about it, playboy.

The janitor used to work right here...

spent his days picking up trash.

Was good at it, too.

But he couldn't stop people
from leaving their trash everywhere.

And it haunted him till the day he d*ed

mysteriously on Halloween, right here,

in the very basement of this school.

What?

Every Halloween, if you listen closely,

you can hear the wheels
of his mop bucket

rolling down there.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Ohh!

Happy Halloween, Gregory.

Or, uh [CHUCKLES] should I say...

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from "Airplane!"?

No, he's my friend Steve.
You'll meet him.

N-No, I'm Sully Sullenberger.

Chesley Burnett Sullenberger?

A.K.A. the pilot who landed
the plane on the Hudson River?

Ooh, ooh! Guess mine.

The Hamburglar?

Clearly, you're wage theft.

Ah! Exactly!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

So that's the costume you get?

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Happy Halloween, y'all!

Reap the whirlwind of Storm!
[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Look at all these bee-autiful costumes.

Hey, baby!

Oh, I love Halloween.

Best holiday... by far.

Disguises, crime, lookin' hot?

These are my specialties.

We're both Scarlet Witch!

We look exactly the same. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, I don't know about exact.

I started working on my costume in July.

So did I! Look. [CHUCKLES]

That costume is trash.

Oh, look, Mr. Johnson, he's you!

That's pretty cute.

But I didn't approve my likeness rights.

You better lawyer up, kid.

Let's play the mirror game.

Or you know what?

They turned the library
into a haunted house,

and they're keeping
all the candy in there

till the end of the day
when they hand it out to the kids,

so why don't you go in there
and guard the candy?

Doesn't that sound like fun?

That sounds super boring.

You said you didn't want to play
the mirror game,

but it honestly feels like we are.

It's crazy.

Ah.

Black Frank Abagnale Jr.!

Uh... Uh-oh.

Somebody's going hard in the paint.

Bewm, bewm, beww! [LAUGHS]

That is the best and maybe only

James Harden costume I've ever seen.

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

Oh, my God. Did you see Jacob's costume?

He's wage theft.

I guessed it on the first try.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.

- That is a good costume.
- Thank you.

Yes, millennial Tuskegee airman.

I love that.

"Red Tails"? So underrated.

Oh! Ooh.

[BALL BOUNCING]

Ha-ha! Got him. [LAUGHS]

I knew he was a regular Tuskegee
airman, not a millennial one.

Did you see his face?

Where is it?

Oh.

- Ooh, she a basketball fan.
- [LAUGHS] I am.

Hey, Amber.

- What are you dressed as?
- A bad bitch.

Oh, language.

Okay, see you later.

Good morning, everyone.

Janine?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. Erika?

I haven't seen you since high school.

I know!

- It's been forever!
- I know.

Last time I saw you
was at our graduation party.

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- You brought "Trivial Pursuit."

Yes, and people had fun playing it
in between illegal drinking.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I guess my nephew's
in your class.

He's dressed as Baby Thanos.

I'm helping my sister
with dropoff this week.

How are you doing, though?

I saw on Facebook
you and Tariq broke up.

He made a memorial page for your
relationship and everything.

Yeah, I asked him not to do that.

Um, but, yeah, I'm... I'm doing fine.

Just had to take a step back...

- Oh, oh.
- ...sorry...

- It's okay.
- ...from the relationship.

- No, it's okay.
- Yeah.

Oh! Did you hear about Malik
and Brandy's party tonight?

- You going?
- I was invited,

but they were always
more of Tariq's friends.

- Oh, all right.
- Yeah.

Well, my girl Michelle

throwing a Halloween party tonight, too.

You should come through!
Oh, no board games.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you, um, but, you know,

I-I actually have plans already.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Cool.

Erika's super nice from what I remember,

but I just don't know her that well.

And I won't know anyone at that party.

And I really do have plans tonight.

I put up a camera to try to keep
kids from egging my house,

and, as of this morning,
it has not worked.

But maybe tonight.

- You busy, it's cool.
- Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, Louis, hey! Baby Thanos!

No candy until the end of the day.

Oh, my bad. I passed out
the little candy bags we made,

but I'll take 'em back.

Okay.

But it's Halloween!

We should be able to have
candy whenever we want!

- Oh.
- Ooh.

That boy loves his candy.

Yeah, well, we try to wait
until the end of the day

to pass out candy, you know?

Make sure the parents have
to deal with the sugar rushes.

Oh, okay. And that's why
I'm glad to be the aunt.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Thank you.

Oh, and can you give this to Gregory?

- To Mr. Eddie?
- Mm-hmm.

Something special in it.

Oh, my God, dr*gs?

No.

Now that's a bad bitch.

- I know. Every morning.
- She looks amazing.

- Even Mondays.
- Does she take Pilates?

I don't know.

[BUBBLING]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Hey, Ashley.
Got more candy for the stash.

I'm so bored.

This is hell.

'Kay.

Oh, hey, Ron Burgundy.

Oh, look at you... You shaved.

Look, I got this bag of candy
from Joel and Carolina's mom.

She wanted me to give it to you.

Maybe she wants you to get
a cavity or something.

Oh. That's nice of her, but no thanks.

I truly hate candy
unless it's % cacao.

Uh, but you can hang on to that,
and I'll tell her thank you.

Okay.

Well, thank you to your
donation to my mouth.

Sorry, no.

Ooh, Werther's!

"Here's a little extra something sweet."

♪

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

♪

Am I going to steal this candy?

We shall see.

Okay. So, what did we learn?

Don't go to Salem. Or Boston.

You know what?
Just skip the whole state.

[CHILDREN SHOUTING] Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Guys, what has gotten into you today?

Gu... Come on.

They're really on one today.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

VENUS: Ava, could you please
come out here?

- No. Stop right now.
- I said have a seat.

MAN: You know you're not
supposed to be doing that.

What the...?

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

[CANDY SQUISHES]

Witch! [THUNDER CRASHES]

No candy until the end of the day.

Enjoy the haunted house.

Hello?

Where's the candy
that's supposed to be here?

Oh, hey. The candy's right...

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Oh, dang.

Where'd the candy go? [CHUCKLES]

Guys, what is going on?

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

Where did you get this?

What is in your mouth?

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

What is going on?!

What? What the... What?

Oh!

What does it look like, boy?

They got into the candy bag!

Hey, watch it!
Need to get my deposit back on this.

What the hell is happening?!

It was her.

She's too absorbed
looking at that damn phone

she let the candy get stolen.

Alleged phone, alleged candy.

Well, I saw those bags.

That's two Halloweens' worth of candy.

How did they even pass it out so fast?

Yeah, and what kid shares candy
on Halloween?

We're dealing with a real sicko here.

The important thing to focus on
is that no one person

is to blame, except of course the thief.

Because, in a way, I've been
robbed, when you think about it.

We need to find who took the candy.

We'll get to that,
but firstly, there's no way

we can teach these children
when they are like this.

They need to burn that energy off.

They can't go outside, it's raining.

- It's...
- Hey!

Little gremlins!

Free recess in the gym!

[SHOUTING STOPS]

I'm one of those people where
chaos really affects my mood,

so I'm just gonna call it a day.

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

What are you doing?
Let me show you how it's done.

Truth zone?
I'm feeling a little conflicted

about the constitutionality
of stop and frisk, okay?

All right. Let's remove your hat, bear.

I feel like Eric Adams.

Okay.

MELISSA: All right,
that's the last of them.

Now to put this candy
contraband someplace safe.

Oh, I have a human-sized sa...
Uh, a, uh...

A safe that's bigger than
a breadbox in one of my closets.

AVA: Wait. How big is it?

I've been looking for a safe
place to keep my other safes.

Oh. Look, you two guard the door,

make sure the kids don't leave,
and we will be right back.

JANINE: Okay.

- [SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]

You know, when I woke up this morning,

I did not expect my day to include

- patting down the students for candy.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh! That reminds me.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Um, so Joel and Carolina's mom

left that for you in the bag
of candy you didn't want.

Oh, thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Her phone number.

- Yeah.
- Nice.

Yeah.

Good penmanship.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Guess she has a thing
for Kevin Hart

in "Soul Plane." [LAUGHS]

One, he did not play a pilot in that.

Two, we, as a society, do not talk
about Sully Sullenberger enough.

I'd say he's had his time.

He landed an Airbus

of people safely on a river!

Okay, I'm just saying that,

as a pilot, like,
half his job is landing,

so he kind of was just doing his job.

Shouldn't have had a movie
before Harriet Tubman.

Tom Hanks can't play her.

And I don't know why that's
Mr. Sullenberger's problem.

I will not rest until the world
gives that man

the respect that he deserves!

- Okay.
- Okay?

- All right.
- I'm serious about this.

- I see.
- I'm really passionate.

I understand.

So, are you gonna take Amber

to some kind of pilot party tonight?

No.

Friends are dragging me out.

Oh.

They've been doing that
a lot now that I'm single.

Oh.

That's nice of them. [CHUCKLES]

Y-Yeah, yeah, um...

It was a lot at first.

- Mm.
- But it is nice, actually.

Have your friends been doing
the same since the breakup?

- Oh, yeah. Well, no.
- Oh.

But Jacob did take me out to a drag

"Settlers of Catan" brunch,
and that was fun.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, that sounds fun.

Yeah.

But what about your
outside-of-work friends?

Um...

Oh, my... My outside-of-work friends?

- Um...
- JACOB: I'm just saying,

you didn't have to lock me in the safe
to show me how big it is.

Eh, quit whinin'.

What's going on in there now?

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

Yeah, they've locked the doors.

Kitchen window.

GREGORY: I'm sorry, y'all.

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

Yes!

[GASPS] Baby Thanos!

He stole the candy bag?
I should've known.

Dear God, can we not know peace?

Clear a path.
And no one try and stop me.

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

Ooh.

Oh, Lord. Get him.

- You...
- BARBARA: Come on... Jacob.

JANINE: [GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

[BALLS DRIBBLE]

Hyah!

Okay, all right, okay.

All right. Okay!

Yeah.

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

Help!

- Oh, my!
- Hey!

Hey! Cut it... Cut it out!

Did anybody see where Baby Thanos went?

He has to be in here somewhere.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

BABY THANOS: It's Halloween.
Kids deserve candy.

It's not fair to keep it from us.

I am inedible!

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

I think he means, "I am inevitable."

- Yeah, okay.
- Mm, Baby Theranos is in Ava's office!

And I've only passed out
half the bag so far.

Looks like we're gonna need
a bigger trash can.

Oh, we gotta get this kid.

But somebody absolutely needs
to stay here.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll stay.

I've been training
for this my whole life.

Storm's a-brewin'!

And he's gone!

Well, the kid's good,
I'll give him that.

We must have just missed him.

Ooh.

Still fresh.

Ooh!

The kid is on the run.

[GASPS] Oh.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

And that door leads to the basement.

The ghost janitor.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Mr. Johnson said there's a ghost janitor
that lives down there.

A-And obviously I don't believe that.

You know, because I am
a grown-up person.

So, you'll go look for
Baby Thanos in the basement?

Yeah, I will accompany you, Gregory,

if you're scared.

Oh.

Search the basement.
We will search the hall.

Throw us a bone, please. Amen.

You wanna... You wanna go first?

'Cause I-I don't have
a preference, really. I...

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?

Oh, I've got some consoling to do.

Why's that?

Gary, the vending machine guy,

he has a hard time with Halloween.

Like, every house turns
into a vending machine.

I never thought of it that way.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that does sound tough.

But, uh, Barbara,
what are you doing tonight?

I'm going to a screening
of "Rocky Horror" at my church.

They take out all the cursing,

all the references to sex and sexuality.

It comes in at just under
minutes, and it is a hoot!

It's a yearly tradition.

We've watched
"Nightmare Before Christmas,"

but only the Christmas parts,

"Practical Magic"
without the witchcraft,

and "Hocus Pocus"
without Sarah Jessica Parker.

Ooh, that sounds fun! Can I come?

Oh, sweetheart, it has been
sold out for months.

Yeah, you are a newly single
NBA All Star.

You must have plans.

Well, I did, but then I decided

I wanted to hang out with my friends.

Well, respectfully, kiddo,
we've been over this.

We're not really your friends.

Yes, no, I know, of course. It's just...

you guys are the only people
I kinda hang out with, so...

Only? Why?

Look, ever since I broke up with Tariq,

I don't have any friends.

And I realize that's kinda on me.

Janine, you're young.

There's so many ways
for you to make friends.

Mm-hmm.

What's the problem?

It just feels really hard to start over.

I've started over tons of times.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Let me tell you something, it sucks.

Great.

No, it's scary at first, but you do it.

- You know why?
- Absolutely, Melissa.

I didn't make my point yet.

I fully wasn't listening.

Okay, point is that it is way scarier

to not put yourself out there.

You don't wanna be the lonely
old lady sitting at home

on Halloween hoping no one eggs
your house, right?

Oh, yeah, no, of course not.

- Yeah.
- Not me.

I think I've been avoiding
making new friends because

the unknown, it's scary.

But it is Halloween,
the time to face your fears...

Ghosts, ghouls, and new friends.

Do you feel, like, a cold spot?

No.

[CREAKING]

[GASPS] Did you hear that?

It's just the sound
of a normal school basement.

[SQUEAKING]

And are you seeing that?

Yes. You don't have to keep asking.

We're having the same experience.

Okay, when I say run, we run.

Welp, I didn't find Baby Thanos,

but I did find my favorite mop from ' .

She's still got it.

Jacob, it's just Mr. J...

[SIGHS]

You!

Me!

Why?

It's Halloween!

No!

What are you doing?

It's chaos out there, man.

And you're only making my job harder.

I have to do this. It's the only way.

Dude, I traded
an eighth grader for that!

What did it cost?

Everything.

Oh, my goodness.

They're out.

Oh, Ava.

Ooh, what happened to your face?

I did my job is what happened
to my face.

Did you guys find Baby Thanos?

No, we came to see if maybe
he scurried back in here.

That child is slipperier
than a buttered otter.

Excuse me? Adults?

Chad!

You found Baby Thanos?

Where? How?

Just followed the trash.

I'll see you in court,
you little [BLEEP]

Let's go get you cleaned up.

[SIGHS]

MELISSA: [GASPS] Aah! No!

- Noooo!
- Oh!

Get some rest, guys.

Something like maybe Beyoncé.

Really?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

ERIKA: Hey, Janine!

Hey, Erika.

Hey, is that offer still on the table
to go to a party tonight?

- Yeah, of course!
- Yeah?

Okay, cool. Well, I wanna go.

Um, do you think
I'll know anybody there?

I mean, you'll know me.

But I'll introduce you to everybody.

I promise, it's a good group of people.

Okay, cool. Sounds fun.

Cool!

Oh, you do have a sexier
costume, though, right?

Oh, for sure.

- I have an Eric André wig...
- Absolutely not.

Okay, I will find
something else to wear.

Good.

Oh! Sugar crash?

Oh, yeah, he ate, um, a lot of candy.

- A lot.
- Okay.

Well, sounds like a problem for his mom.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Mm-hmm.

[LAUGHS] All right. Bye.

- I'll see you later.
- See you tonight.

I'm actually kind of excited
for tonight.

I get to start over.

I am telling you, I saw
the ghost janitor down there.

Okay? The story is real.

You saw Mr. Johnson.

- Mystery solved.
- No.

No, no, no, this was something else.

Something sinister.

Okay, Shaggy.

[SQUEAKING]

[LAUGHS]

[WATER COOLER BUBBLES]

This one has a word we
should try that sexy

- Walmart greeter costume.
- Ava?

You know the school day's over, right?

Yes, I do.

What, you trying to celebrate?

Why you still here?

Oh, I'm just waiting on...

B-i-i-i-i-i-itch! [LAUGHS]

- Yeah? Okay.
- Yes!

Obviously I look better in it,
then Marilyn,

but honestly, then you.

Okay.

Tell her how good she looks, Gregory.

Uh, y-yeah, yeah, no, you look,
um... it looks great.

Really form-fitting.

Gross.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you.

Good night, Mr. Johnson.
Have a happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Like that?

I had it made at Dorney Park. [LAUGHS]